Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Overcomer on May 29, 2010, 10:07:16 AM
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My dad died in September. Instead of traveling and enjoying each other in his last years....she tortured me at our store.......she had no time for him. Now I have this wicked cancer that will probably kill me......I stopped working and she spends everyday at the store and spends NO time with me or on me............she buries her head in "work." She REALLY does not care about me. I still after all this time CANNOT BELIEVE IT!
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My dad died in September. Instead of traveling and enjoying each other in his last years....she tortured me at our store.......she had no time for him. Now I have this wicked cancer that will probably kill me......I stopped working and she spends everyday at the store and spends NO time with me or on me............she buries her head in "work." She REALLY does not care about me. I still after all this time CANNOT BELIEVE IT!
Narcissists can NEVER change! They will always believe that the entire universe revolves around THEM! :P
Bones
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Overcomer:
This is your life riddle that will NEVER be solved (IMHO). I still can not believe it either, and why? I haven't the slightest idea. I think it has something to do with justifying things. One can't possibly go through life each and every minute completely confused, tortured and frustrated and at the same time trying to solve the biggest mystery of the earth! Yet, we try to do it each and every time we get mistreated by NM. Their behavior: it defies logic. It defies gravity. It defies the laws of nature. It defies the natural order of things and it defies love. It defies the earth and the way it turns from West to East.
It defies our preprogrammed mind that our mothers were supposed to love us unconditionally. We will NEVER, NEVER understand why they don't because we love and loved them unconditionally. That's the problem. Water doesn't flow up hill.
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))
Bear
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Overcomer,
My mother is much worse since my father died. Why? There is no one to model parental behavior for her. They don't learn, they can copy but they can't easily adjust what they copy to new situations.
Please love and care for yourself. Breathe in God's love. Do not think that your worst suffering will ever change her. It can not. Join a support group and find love there. N's can't give it. Taking a moment to send you healing and love...
Sea
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Honestly Kelly I really hear your pain in this.
I hope and pray for you that you find release from the pain you feel in relationship to your mother.
That would bring you a special kind of peace.
It need not allude you any more.
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she throws me a bone........every once in awhile!
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If I was Snoopy I'd cover your front porch with meaty bones...
(((((((((((Kel))))))))))))
love love love
everywhere
xo
Hops
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she throws me a bone........every once in awhile!
Just wondering, is that good enough?
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The only reason why I ask is this:
My NM threw me bones and I ate them up like a starving child. But for me, these fragments of love can not constitute a healthy relationship and are not enough to keep me going anymore. They are too far and inbetween. I wouldn't accept this from my husband, friends or relatives, so why do I accept it from NM??? One word: HOPE. When there isn't any
Just something I learned over the past 3 years--about myself. I don't think this applies to you though...you seem okay and in control at this...
Bear.
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Bear, hope, or because we're programmed that way?
I struggle with that program: I mean, every time a thought pops into my head that tells me that I might still have an expectation of any 'relationship' with my M, I have to grab that thought fast and grapple with it til it dies. I am re-writing that program and it's hard work. Even when the facts would send anyone else running away, that program is so hard-wired, from conception for goodness sake, that it will try and survive - even when it's not needed, because it's such a warped version of attachment.
I don't catch such thoughts very often now. Mostly I'm thinking of facts and scorpions.
Oh yes these 'people' 'care'. Like a predator cares about having prey available.
((((((Kelly))))))
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Good point Portia.
The hard wiring is, well, hard wired. Our programs have run on autopilot since birth and now it can be like a runaway freight train when we don't get ahold of the facts right away. So true.
Overcomer, you have made me think about the word "Care" and what it really means. I love to pick apart words and their meanings and the philosophies we attach to them. Like the word "give" or "to give." Your NM seems to not "care" about you, so what does that really mean to you? To me? How does the "caring" part of life weigh in on us. "Care" can also have to do with "give." Your NM doesn't "care" and you do. If you didn't "care" then you wouldn't be here. No? When NM's don't care does that always have to hurt? Why?
Why does the NM's philosophy of not "caring" about us bring us down so much?
I hope you are better...
Bear
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Hi OC
I thing about you often and wonder what to say--I truly wish you good health for a long time!
I just posted about 'change', (my dysfunctional family,) and what is still the same as when I first came on board--
This flabbergasts me, as I go about small and less small changes in my life, and accepting the inevitable. I sometimes think my life would make a great book, then I realize that there are people far worse off than I am.
I say your NM will never change, and if you are going to die from this, then die with some peace of mind that she was not a part of it. If you are not going to die, then live your life with some peace of mind that she is not a part of it.
That's just me though, as I decided I would die, whenever, without my dysfunctional family being a part of it. Why should my death, which is just as private as my life, make hypocrites out of them? They will then know that I did not care to share anymore about me to them.
Have you looked into any homeopathy solutions to cancer? I don't know if what I have read is a hoax or not, but if all else fails, read the instructions.
I am also aware that there just might be a cure out there, but if used, who loses money over all the instances of the disease?
I do care, and do please take care
Love
Izzy
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I sent her an email and told her I needed to know exactly what she was going to do to help me or I was going to move.......which she will hate!!!! we will see.....
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I sent her an email and told her I needed to know exactly what she was going to do to help me or I was going to move.......which she will hate!!!! we will see.....
Good for you!
Bones
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They won't change. They CAN'T change. They are mentally defective.
It took me years and years of therapy to finally accept that, but once I did, I went NC, and at 49, for the first time, I feel that I am in control of my life. If I should die before her, I know that I will not have to see her, not have to hear to her snarks. She got to control my life for over 40 years. I won't let her control my death. I don't expect to go before her, but if I do, I feel very much at peace knowing that I will go completely free of her. If she goes before I do, I'll celebrate that the NC has been taken to the next level - no more nasty cards and letters.
I'll tell you how screwed up these people are, and how completely unable they are to view illness or death with any amount of empathy. My sister has advanced breast cancer. She has had a double mastectomy, and six subsequent surgeries (reconstruction gone bad leading to infection). Throughout this, NM has been in a rage. She is angry at her own daughter for daring to get cancer and taking attention away from HER. She has mistreated my sister so badly, that an Aunt has had to step in and take care of her, driving her to her doctors appointments and such. I don't know what my sister's prognosis is, but if she doesn't make it, guaranteed that NM won't shed a tear. Instead, she'll seize the opportunity to take her daughter's house and belongings and see that her precious son, the GC profits from it.
These people are SICK SICK SICK. Please Kelly, don't hold onto the hope that she will change. She won't. Whether you have 20 years left, or only two, try to spend every minute with the inner peace that you deserve.
Please take care of yourself, and know that there are people here who care.
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Please Kelly, don't hold onto the hope that she will change. She won't. Whether you have 20 years left, or only two, try to spend every minute with the inner peace that you deserve.
Yes.
Hops
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I think of you,often ((((((Kelly))))) Ami
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My mom came over and we talked about money. I told her without my income I could really use some help until my disability kicks in. She said to me something like this......"am I going to give you a $100,000? No. You will just blow it. I don't want to give everything to Mike and Kelly, I want to have enough to give to the rest of the family."
So I went to the grocery and bought $260 worth of lotto tickets and scratch tickets. It is like a monster has been unleashed in me. I want so much to win some money....it doesn't even have to be the jackpot........it could be $50,000...........I just want enough to walk away from her and be free from her forever.............
she is lost and yet is is clinging on to anything she can to be and stay in control of the family.
My brother absolutely hates mom's sister and her family because they mooch off my mom. They do everything they can to get as much as they can from my mom. My bro and mom had a fight and she told him she expects him to respect her sister and her jerk of a husband and my brother said no, so my mom told him she didn't respect him either so my brother hung up on mom.
My brother has hit the end of his rope. He is so vocal about how our mother neglected us and how she favors everyone in the family except us.
We both are at the end. We cannot believe our mother would choose anyone over us. We would never choose anyone over our kids..........
My mom is so phoney. We were at a graduation open house and no one was talking to her. She kept butting into my conversations because she has lost any and all respect from anyone......she has no friends. No husband. So she clings to family and especially the ones who kiss her ass!!
I am obsessed with winning the lotto. I am like a caged animal who wants to break free!!
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((((((((Kelly))))))))
I hear your pain. So sorry you are going through this right now. Sending peaceful vibes your way, Worn