Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gaining Strength on July 18, 2010, 12:30:44 PM
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All that is past is prologue.
No joke. What I have been writing about in my process of healing here the past three years has at many times felt like some kind of self something or other that was just going through motions and a bunch of BS, up one step and down two others, chasing my own tail. But it was NOT. It was all building, building, building a platform. Unbeknownst to me, the ups and downs were gathering the tools and excavating the damage. It was an up and down business.
I struck a level, a solid level and now I have picked up so new tools and am moving forward.
I can't wait to share more about it but for now I am strengthening my own mind and holding a solid focus, allowing no distractions and do doubts to enter in. I am like a ant chewing through metal. And I am, as always, thankful for this place to come an share and receive.
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This sounds great, GS
"Breaking through.." put me in mind of my new (for neurological paiin) medication. I feel so free, loose, agile, limber, almost pain-free, and compare it to before when it was like all of me was coated with paint and 'keeping me inside', immovable, stiff, in pain, creepy, crawly skin feelings that set off tremors and shakes, but...
..yesterday I dressed almost normally and took the car out as though these past 15½ months never existed.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if such a simple pill could do that for our minds? (Of course the above gave me a new mindset, but not for healing of the mind that takes every thought we have and puts it to the test of 'righting' our thoughts, about whatever brought us to this forum in the first place!)
Good on you!
xx
izzy
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I'm eager to hear more about this! Sounds refreshing and empowering!
Hugs to you.
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Izzy - what incredibly great news. Maybe the "mind" pill will be next.
PR - thanks so much. There will be more to follow. next up - financial freedom - well the start of tackling the financial mess - I fear, nay, know that it will be more like 5 months rather than 5 days but even 5 months will only be about getting feet on ground (if that) but it will only be worse if I don't get going. The news for me is that for the first time since my husband died 9 years ago last week I will be getting my feet on the ground. Lots of loss to make up for but if these shackles of paralysis are broken then it is like having life, it is a hope that can truly conquer instead of the emptyish hope/fear I have been living in.
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Hi Strength,
Just wanted to cheer you on and say that I believe in you! I am so excited about the strides you are making...I can hardly to wait to hear the details when you can share them. I know that your journey is going to encourage me in mine--already has, as a matter of fact!
CB
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CB - thank you for your continued support.
I continue to make progress. All to slowly but progress none-the-less.
I have been daily using prayer, meditation and focused work to make shifts in this backward way of living. This morning, I had a full two hours before my child woke up. I am not discovering new issues but I am focusing on making shifts. The biggest issue that stand before me is compex but I am becoming aware of how I have lived into the wounds and stayed emotionally stagnant. Now my work requires that I shift out of those life-long habits of feeling and energy.
I am working on shifting out of "inadequacy." There are so many connected tissues to those feelings including the need to be brought out, waiting for my parents or some authority to give me the go ahead. When I write about it here it seems so simple, simplistic even but this understanding is the result of YEARS of work. That is what is so crazy about the whole thing.
These days I am using internet connection at Starbucks so I get little online time. I have more that I would like to share but time is very short.
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Hi Gaining Strength..this sounds good and solid - meaning its on a solid foundation, not the temporary euphoria of awareness and the feeling that all will shift on its own - it still takes hard work to unwire old patterns. Does that make sense? I've been caught in that trap before....
Over christmas last year, I bought a bracelet with a charm that I had engraved that reads "Breaking free brings great rewards". Its reminds me that I need to make a break from the difficult past to reap the rewards in life I want. Whenever I get stuck and am about to do the same behavior, I repeat that saying and it helps me to make a different choice.
Good luck with your recovery...hope it continues its upward trajectory!
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Dear GS.......this almost brings me to tears! I knew you could do it, honey!!
I am so proud of you!! You are a wonderful woman and you are learning!!!!
You go girl!
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Through prayer, dreams and meditation I am sinking deeper into these age old issues.
I have been doing a specific prayer with a friend for a few weeks, it is about "alignment". Without going into the details about the prayer, I will say that it is helping me see how I have been "aligned" with the insanity that my father imposed on me. Day by day, I am recognizing that beginning as a young child and throughout my young adulthood he forced me into crazy thinking. He appeared to be reasonable and successful. When he would tell me specific things about a subject that seemed to be contradictory, I always assumed that the problem was with me rather than his lack of reasoning. I could not see that the views or information was not logically possible.
Now I have to realign my thinking and my emotional reactions.
I was listening to NPR this morning, the Diane Rehm Show. the conversation was about the new credit card rules concerning college students. I found myself getting more and more frustrated and angrier. And when the moderator used the phrase, "The Big Talk" I knew why. Most of the conversation was about a parents responsibility concerning teaching financial responsibility to their children. Not an odd point, very reasonable. But the problem is what about the offspring whose parents never teach them and the further asssumption that they have been taught. I had this sudden insight in a gap that applies more broadly to people whose parents never taught them things that society expects offspring to know. Some of this stuff cuts straight down a socio-ecnomic line but not all, not by a long shot.
One of the things that I am understanding is that points of focus for me are issues that draw strong emotional energy. This understanding is not particularly new but the the way in which to apply it is. This issue about parental instruction is one for me. Because my parents left me to fend for myself concerning almost every issue. I may as well have come from the lowest of low economic levels in terms of the instruction I received about life. That would be NONE - about anything. And once I was out of school and married, (I now realize) I was simply off my parents radar screen. "Responsibility done." sort of thing. No more relationship needed except for my mother to get from me what she could.
This is a hugely sore issue for me and one that I must work on righting myself concerning. By righting I mean that I have been knocked asunder by it and am at a tilt and must be righted or set upright.
Some how this issue get to the very concept of being able to act on my own behalf.
One of the other things that is coming to me, albeit way to slowly, is that thinking about and doing things for myself were sabotaged and punished as a child. And this has been a big problem for me. This may be my biggest problem. I can definitely overcome it but it is indescribably painful.
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Finally able to meditate, after years of anxiety standing in the way.
I am not yet up to a daily regimen but on my way.
This is truly helping. I am beginning to differentiate between the emotional being that i desire and the person who is attached to survival. Very difficult to convey in words.
While my child was out of town two weeks ago, I was able to clean the entire upstairs. That is a huge accomplishment for me. But even better, though I have not cleaned the downstairs, I have worked daily with my child to maintain the order upstairs. It is such progress. And I am making some progress downstairs as well, particularly in the kitchen and concerning planning and making meals and keeping the kitchen clean and orderly.
Progress is important and noting the progress is important as well. i am very, very thankful and hopeful. Much more progress to be made particularly on generating sufficient income to pay off my debts and sustain our modest lifestyle.
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Hi GS - your news sounds very good! Even if there's still a ways toward your goals - you are getting there!
One thing you posted tho, isn't quite accurate. Economic status doesn't determine whether or not parents do their job - or teach children what it is they need to know to "grow up" or function as adults. I grew up one of the poorest of the poor - and while my mom did an absolutely lousy job teaching me the finer points of interacting with others and even basics like taking care of myself... and instead giving me a whole bunch of bad habits under the guise of "this is the way WE do things" ....
... as a poor kid taking care of my "family unit" I learned quickly about money, budgets, stretching a dollar, making do and the "horror of the situation" when there simply wasn't enough money for the most spartan of basics. It's what I needed to know to survive. I wonder, if your parents didn't know the financial side of life? I mean, didn't they have accountants, secretaries, lawyers and bankers who "took care of" all that for them? I'll bet your mom didn't even know how to keep and balance a checkbook - someone would've done that for her. Did they keep track of the budget themselves? Do you remember seeing anyone open bills, write monthly checks, discuss large purchases and expenditures? Maybe... they didn't know HOW because they never had to do it themselves.
You are correct about strong emotions being tied to memories of certain events, interactions, memories. It's how specific parts of the brain work, you know? Something I'm finding out - and wanting to know more about, so I'm working on it - is that we can "edit" that connection of strong emotion and those memories. In positive ways. In ways that are still truthful, fact-based... but by breaking that link of strong emotion (or processing through it, maybe)... it is possible (and it gets easier with practice I would think) to free oneself from the pattern of stimulus - response - and treading down the same old paths of the scripted loops that our brains have learned so well.
I'm becoming more and more convinced that it's possible to use the same brain that's kept one in those loops... differently... and get a different result that is experienced and perceived as freedom from the old responses. More soon - I have little time.
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GS--
Wow. Oh wow.
Your progress is absolutely MASSIVE, woman.
I see this. Oh good for you oh keep going oh that's exciting!!!!
Atta GIRL.
My daughter has for 10 months absolutely excoriated me for the things I did not teach her that she needed to know in order to run her life.
She has been unfair, and unkind, and also accurate.
Dave Ramsey's our new daddy. (I wasn't taught what I needed to know about money either.)
I am so glad to be learning it now.
Life will be different than if I had been taught to not daydream instead of plan.
But it wasn't.
I won't be well off and perhaps not even secure. But the thing I am sloooowly figuring out is, even if constrained, I will be okay.
And so will you.
O BRAVO!
Keep doing! That's actually all it is.
love,
Hops
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As I continue forward with my meditation and EFT I am learning more still about my anxiety and paralysis.
I find that with both of them, when I first begin a session, the anxiety actually ramps up. I have written about this here every now and then over the past couple of years. But if I stick with it about 10 or 15 minutes into the 20 minute sitting suddenly there is an opening into calmness. It is as though a trap door or drain has opened up and suddenly the dirt fluid drains out of my mind and body. This is such a relief. It may last only a moment or it may last through the rest of the session. But the more I do it the more I am able to get to it. It is happening with EFT as well but it does not have a lasting effect yet. Still the instantaneous relief is a God send.
As I am getting these brief moments of relief I am able to understand more about my anxiety, how it functions within me and where it came from. I'm not sure this will make sense to anyone reading it but it is worth a try.
Today I got an insight that opened a door onto an understanding that I have had brief flashes of a couple of times in the past. It is difficult to explain but here goes. I have oftern written about the double bind that I live in due to some of my childhood experiences within an N family dominated by an NPD, OCD, bi-polar, autocratic father who demanded and received complete controll and dominion. Part of the double bind that I gained insight into today is that there was anxiety that was part of our family life. While my father did not raise his voice he dominated with a quiet rage. It was a clenched jaw that held back a threat of violence that was experrienced as normal by my brothers and me. (I have no idea if my mother thought it OK. Her parents did not exhibit that kind of temperment.) Life was frightening. Home was frightening though I was completely unaware of it. The sound of footsteps or car tires sends my anxiety into overdrive even today. It sends me into performance anxiety and the profound sense of inadequacy. Retreat was the only safe place, being alone in my room but it was always only a temporary reprieve and would soon give way to the silent rage that would come because something was demanded of me that I would not be able to perform up to snuff.
But what I saw today was a two fold insight. While I lived in a baseline level of anxiety, if my father saw that I was not sufficiently anxious he would see to it that I reached that state. Somewhere along the way it became a norm for me so that if things are going peacefully for me at some point my body unconsciously turns on its radio scanner and searched the universe for the right anxiety wave and tunes in. Bop - anxiety level soars. Not in reaction to anything other than peace and calm. Add a task and WHAM performance anxiety skyrockets into shutdown. Performance may be something as simple as planning and fixing dinner, cleaning the kitchen, writing a thank you note - the mundane and the significant alike.
But, I digress, the insight today was that anxiety was also a form of punishment. If I made a mistake or was unprepared, or without adequate resources (time, money, ability, etc.) and my father caught wind or became aware or turned his own scanner on looking for my inadequacies then the punishment was executed in the harshest form - BZZZ - but no tell tale signs were left only a child (or young adult) left to dissolve in utter fear and paralysis which exacted even more silent rage.
My point is this - silent rage (his action) and extreme anxiety (my reaction) were the punishment for setting a goal or receiving a task and the certain (through unreasonable demand or sabotage) failure.
Anxiety is the result of my scanner anticipating more anxiety AND it is the punishment for not being adequate - a double bind - the only solution to which is overcoming anxiety. Much, much easier to say than to find. But at long last, meditation (which has eluded me for so long - ironicallly due to anxiety) is opening the drain, oh so slowly but surely. And where EFT did not have enough power, (I suspect because there is no one or even two or even multiple "events" that led to it but it was a steady state) coupled with meditation, together, I am beginning to get relief.
The other insight is even more difficult to describe. But here goes.
I have been praying and "alignment" prayer for a few weeks. I think I wrote about this yesterday. The way I have gained my insight is be seeing how this worked for the other person and then I immediately saw how this applies to me. The friend I have been praying with is in a difficult place in her marriage and is separated. The other day after we had been praying I saw that part of what happened is that when she was married she became aligned with her husband and her marriage. Four years into their 8 year marriage, he began to run up credit card bills and make less money than he said he was and used a home equity loan on the house which she bought before their marriage. It was a mess. But they were able to get things patched up and sorted out - in a way. Then he got cancer and almost died 3 years ago and brought in no money for over a year. This past Jan. he lost his job but did not tell her for over 3 months and again racked up credit card debt and then - shorted the health insurance premium in June leaving them and their young child uncovered. All of this happened without my friends knowledge. To put it mildly, there are some trust issues there and some issues concerning security.
Anyway - the point is that what I saw is that as she was aligned to her marriage to a deceptive and not forthright man, her alignment with God was out of kilter. The image that came to my mind was that her marriage alignment went off to the left a few degrees but as she has been praying she simply let go of that alignment and moved into alignment in a vertical direction.
When I saw this, I knew immediately that I have been, lifelong aligned to my father, trying in vain to generate justice in an injust family situation. I have wanted that get things "right" in a family where no relationships are going to be right. It is like clinging to a sinking ship, unable to let go of the dream I had when I embarked on the lovely voyage rather than recognizing that the voyage has gone horribly askew and needs to be abandoned in favor of something different, in favor of saving my life.
Strangely enough I got part of this understanding from a fascinating book on financial types that I just happened on in the library. I sort of presented itself to me - and for all the right reasons. Now that I see this, I know that I must let go of trying to "right" (as in set upright) this injustice that I have lived my entire life. I was truly unaware, in denial of the fact that I was still operating within the constraints of those disfunctional boundries. I knew they were not good for me but I falaciously thought I had moved beyond. Not so - at least not until now.
Am I completely free of my denials? Probably not but I am now aware of at least two binds and obstacles that have kept me from succeeding in life. And this is significant progress. I look forward to continued progress.
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Hops - I am replying to your post without rereading what I wrote.
I hate that you have been the recipient of "excorizting" criticism and condemnation. I hope that I did not write something that was "blaming" parents for not teaching because I know when I heard that NPR story my reaction was great frustration at the expectation expressed by the panel that parents DO have that financial "Big Talk." I think very, very few do and I attribute it (correctly or incorrectly) to two primary factors - 1) they don't know the information or 2) they don't take the time or prudent (responsible) action. And, I for one, think it predominantly falls into the former. I think few, few people have the knowledge themselves and money and financial issues are so overly laden with moralistic valuation, therefore financialy ignorance is a source of shame and must be covered up at great cost.
I do love Dave Ramsey and he was my favorite until I discovered Clark Howard who is fantastic as well. Check him out online if you get a chance.
I am so thankful to be learning these financial things now. There is no age that is too late. My anger concerning my parents not teaching me is NOT so much that they didn't but it is that they simply never saw it as a responsibility, that they didn't even address it and sort of hoped it would go away. There was a pattern of abundance that had been in operation for several generations and it accrued to my father's and mother's first cousins and to their friends and their children's friends. While that same financial situation was NOT going to accrue to me or my brothers my father (and heaven knows my mother had ZERO idea about any of this) choose to NOT address this rather than simply being honest. All I would have needed was one or two sentences along the lines of, "You will have to provide your own living. You will not be receiving any financial assistance from us or your grandparents." That is all but not only did he nor she EVER say this they simply pretended that nothing needed to be said or that nothing had changed or that they had no responsibility to point me in any direction and to make things worse, my father and my mother sabotaged several ljobs that I did have.
Even if they chose not to help me financially, which is absolutely their perogative, they have never even acknowledged that I am struggling, that they never struggled financially. It is as though the gulf does not even exist. It is a HUGE elephant in the room that they simply pretend is not there. That is actully far more difficult than the financial struggle itself - it is the utter pretense that my struggle simply is not there. And furthermore, because my parents and family prefer to pretend it is not there, I don't have the comfort of even discussing with any of them any kind of strategy for getting out of my situation and into a better one. Having someone or anyone to talk with and to receive advice from would be such a remendous help. And that lack is definitely a greater burden than the lack of financial resources.
BUT, I am getting stronger and stronger and will be able to learn what I need to know on my own. The fear has defnitely stood in my way.
I realize that I started this post in reply to yours and yet it took a decidely rant and venting direction. My apologies. I hope you will forgive me. I relaized mid-stream that something of significance for me was tapped as I wrote. It was very helpful in opening yet more insights for me. I hope that it did not feel - I'm not sure how to finish this line except to say I hope that as I shifted from being responsive to you to venting about me, that it did not feel offensive to you.
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PR - Thank you, as always, for your post.
You wrote, Economic status doesn't determine whether or not parents do their job - or teach children what it is they need to know to "grow up" or function as adults.
oops - of course you are correct. I know that. What I was trying to say is that there is an assumption, presumption that parents in the upper socio-economic levels have a well developed financial understanding and knowledge AND share that knowledge with their children. Society also presumes that in the lower socio-economic eschelons that parents don't have the knowledge to share or prepare their children.
Obviously these presumptions are not about fact. I actually know no one whose parents conveyed such financial knowledge to them. One family I knew growing up had three children. The oldest two are males and the youngest female. The oldest is autistic or something like that though his parents have denied that anything is wrong with him his entire 56 years of life. The second son succeeded his father in the family business. The daughter was given only the $10,000 taxfree max per year for many years and taught nothing about finances. This family is on, and has been on for many, many years, Forbes list of 500 wealthiest individuals.
Because this daughter had zero training, her business brother was able to use his position as a corporate head and his access to top attorneys and accountants to trick his sister into signing away her rights to an enormous amount of money. She was unaware that he would trick her into such a give away until a couple of years ago. Not surprisingly this led to a huge scandal and law suit that was quietly (out of the newspapers) resolved this summer. I have no idea how it was resolved but I know that the contract she signed must have been well drawn because I know many of the attorney's involved.
I actually know a half-dozen people who I grew up with who had something similar happen to them by a sibling or parent. And in each case my friend or peer, or school mate had little if any knowledge about financial issues though they stood to inherit significant wealth.
Thank being said, I cannot even begin to convey the admiration I have for you and for others who determinedly figured out financial matters for themselves. It is a remarkable ability and character trait. I have a couple of friends who fall in this catagory as well.
I'm becoming more and more convinced that it's possible to use the same brain that's kept one in those loops... differently... and get a different result that is experienced and perceived as freedom from the old responses.
I completely agree with this point and with your entire paragraph in your post above it.
That is why the book by Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz, The Mind and The Brain is so meaningful to my. He writes about his scientific inquiry and understanding and therapeutic use of neuroplasticity. I believe in it, I count on it and all the things I have been using to make progress are chosen because I believe they contribute to "rewiring" my brain and/or my son's brain.
Thank you for your patience with me particularly when what I write seems to come across insensitively. I do not want to be insensitive nor offensive and always want to know if my writing takes such a twist.
thanks so much - GS
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Yegods, GS, this is fantastic thinking.
I can see and believe in this progress you've made, it's wonderful!
(And heavens no you didn't offend me in the slightest, no idea what you're on about....it's delightful to read your leaps and bounds of growth.....)
I am just thrilled about your insights and I can hear your gaining strength.
Wowzers!!!
:D
xo
Hops
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GS.
I dont think words can adequately express how encouraging your posts are. I have known you a long time on this board, and to say that you have grown immeasurably since I have known you seems like an understatement. I admire you so much for the way you have hung in there and pushed your way through extremely painful issues. I see the fruit that it is bearing in your life and it is a huge encouragement to me in my own push.
Your journey has been part of my own thinking about money and material things....I almost started waxing eloquent on your thread about my own wonderings. But thought the better of it and will start my own thread. I do think you are mining deep things that are about more than your own situation. Thank you for sharing what you are learning.
Love
CB
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Dear GS -
I don't think you were being insensitive! But I do recognize how in subtle, undetectable ways our thoughts & beliefs can color our perceptions... and affect our emotions. Just didn't want to let you make a wrong turn, unwittingly!
But, I'm reassured after reading your later posts that you won't make that kind of wrong turn. I am SO GLAD that you are able to experience relief from anxiety - even if it's anxiety-inducing right now - to get there! I can completely relate to the anxiety of "ok, everything's going too well... dare I risk feeling happy, or satisfied, or comfortable..." because my memory doesn't have many examples of when it was actually safe to do so, before being blind-sided by something "awful" or chaotic or anxiety-inducing, yet again. I wonder if: if it's possible to memorize that feeling of relief... so that you can turn it on at will... and perhaps that can assist with tasks imbued with the greatest anxiety???? I think I'll have to experiment with this one.
What you said about the alignment prayer and seeing your own predicament in your friend's -
I think (tho I wouldn't take it as gospel) that this is a form of mirroring (seeing yourself in others; others in you) and that along with marking - you got neither in your relationship with your parents. Marking would've acknowledged your anxiety as separate from your parent's lack of it. Mirroring would've tried to help you identify the cause of the anxiety... and helped to soothe, reassure, and dispell it. A little compassion and listening goes a long, long way toward getting anxiety to subside. And yes, I think this might be a way out of your anxiety feedback loop; the double bind. The EFT and meditation will help settle your nervous system... sending signals to your brain about calm, peace, safe... and help to re-wire how your brain reacts to today's challenges - separately from what happened in the past.
'member a while back, I said it might be possible to re-write how I react to things that trigger old wounds? through fiction? I think I might be getting to closer to making that idea make sense.
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Thanks Hops.
CB I am looking forward to your thread but your thoughts generated by something in my posts are always welcomed here as well.
PR - I completely get the mirroring concept - absolutely. And rewriting - that is completely up my alley. Great to hear that you are doing it.
The night after I last posted I had more insights. It was extremely helpful.
Then today I started out with great plans of creating order and getting down to the work I must be about right now - generating income and creating financial order. No big surprise - my plans have been sidetracked and I am finding myself mired in issues with my mother.
Here's the deal -
Saturday night I had taken my child hundreds of miles away to a two day workshop on meditation at a Dhamma Brothers center in rural Georgia. I spend the afternoon/evening in an internet cafe and then camped out (only $5). During that time I wrote, meditated, tapped and read and boy did I get some help.
I began to be afraid for my physical safety. As I worked on that I saw that the paralysis that I have struggled with had a looping aspect that kept me trapped. It worked like this - a torture victim is forced to stand up for days on end. If he or she buckles at the knees or falls down then the victim experiences excruciating pain through an electrical shock that is triggered by the body dipping down. So the victim learns to sort of normalize the torture of standing well beyond the human capacity.
In a way that I have long known but was unable to articulate, my father required of me to state in a state of self-condemnation and anxiety. If I slipped then what awaited me was worse than these - it was a kind of death - a psychic death or physical death. Because of this threat I chose to stay in a state of self-condemnation and anxiety.
In some ways, the loop has been exactly that. In other ways there are layers and layers of the way this worked.
I also identified aspects of the psychic and physical death and aspects of the self-condemnation. And that gave me an order in which to work on these things. I must recognized the source of these aspects. For instance - any thing that attaches to abandonment for me is under this fear of psychic and physical death/danger. As I make these connections I can use my old friend - Jeffrey Schwartz' 4 steps to disconnect the shut down from what is happening today at this minute and apply it to THEN.
Once I did this work, by Sunday I realized that there was a significant shift in the volume of anxiety from my being. This is going to be a big help.
this morning as I was doing chores I found myself momentariy stuck in a "perfectionistic" loop/trap. I quickly identified it's source, disposed of the problem and moved on.
In that moment I saw how disempowering it was for me to grow up in a household with an autocratic father who was vereer and admired in our family who was operating out of OCD, anger, and dictator like power. I was FORCED into thinking/action that was wwaayy out of the universe of rational thinking. And all action led to condemnation and belittlement. No decision, no choice of action could get me out of the condemnation. No choice or action could get me into "acceptance". Hence - paralysis.
I arrived home last night fafter 9:30 after an almost 7 hour drive (6.5) the day before. Tired to be sure but also invigorated about starting life anew in many ways. The chain of paralysis has been broking. Now I have to learn how to live outside of that. I am cautiously optomistic. Caustious only because it is all so new after such a long imprisonment.
anyway - I have not been taking my mother's phone call for a few weeks. It makes her mad but what she does aboutit is tell anyone who will listen that she is worried about me and my child. The last time we spoke, I told her that I needed a break and would let her know when I was ready.
I'm not even going to get into the dynamics, the shades of pretence and controll that are going on here but after I got my son off to a fencing camp and headed to starbucks to use the computer I called my brother and we spent over an hour talking about why I wasn't calling her. He did a good job listening. he understood some parts of it and he acknowledged that she does not treat him the same way. Some of what she does - like telling people she is worried about me and my son is a way of deflecting what is really going on because it works to get her sympathy. As I said to my brother, "She is not saying that 'She won't take my phone calls and it hurts my feelings.' because that would be HER problem and not get her sympathy but she says 'She won't talk to me and I am worried.' and that gets a 'I bet you ARE worried' response." She is not worried - she wants me to give in and she is playing it.
Anyway - I was doing welll after this weekend of peace and development and looking forward to figuring out how I am going to get money for gas and food (to start with) when I got smashed back into reality with my "mother problem".
I had hoped for a slight honeymoon period but I am going to just be thankful.
Now I have two things to work out - finances, mother and another issues as well so my clean plate is now overfull.
Yuck.
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I am so irritated about my day. But I have much to accomplish and I must move forward.
Clearly this mother thing is needing attention and I know that and am willing but having just unlocked a HUGE father/FOO thing I really wanted time to process that and make necessary adaptations.
One of the things that has been made clear to me over time and more acutely since this experience Saturday is that when something I do for my child, whether it is prepare a meal or arrange activities or necessary accoutrements for activies, I have such a strong inner reaction to any of his negative responses. I have known for some time that this connected to my childhood issues but I now understand it in a totally new light.
Often in the morning, I do anything to avoid getting him up because of anticipation of his reaction to what he is going to wear or what I have prepared to eat. Now I know what these simple, daily things carry so much weight for me. I look forward to letting go of much of this as well.
Now I understand the paralysis - the fear - the expected pain and the certain knowledge of lack of appreciation.
Thanks for listening.
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WOW.
When you go for it - you sure get what you want! Not only are you seeing through all the invisible chains around you - and breaking it all down into manageable chunks - you're STILL moving ahead. I'm impressed, GS.
And what you've written helps me, as I'm sort of relapsing into dealing yet again with my mom issues swirled together with my dad's abandonment... and losing my brother to a regressive, neuro-traumatic silence worse than my own. That death-abandonment connection is pretty familiar to me (especially in light of how close I came to experiencing the reality of it)... and it has almost it's own emotional language, separate from other types of experiences. But there are many different kinds of abandonment. My dad's leaving and almost no contact with him for years is one kind. But my mom's inability to parent or even be rational sometimes, is another kind of abandonment. Remember how I said I used to describe myself? I felt like an orphan, who had living parents. And in a way, I would've preferred being a real orphan - because then maybe I would've connected with another sustainable parent figure.
Here's what hit me with recognition like a 2x4:
[/quote]In a way that I have long known but was unable to articulate, my father required of me to state (stay?) in a state of self-condemnation and anxiety. If I slipped then what awaited me was worse than these - it was a kind of death - a psychic death or physical death. Because of this threat I chose to stay in a state of self-condemnation and anxiety. [/quote]
There are different ways of seeing this... understanding this. For me, that kind of psychic death was what I call "annihlation of the self". It IS worse than self-condemnation, over-responsibility, anxiety, depression, self-abuse, self-torture, rage & resentment or self-hate. But it doesn't have to be a permanent state... and I believe (don't have an argument to support it yet) that it isn't really possible to enforce that on another human being... that the nature of human spirit and will to survive - intact - is stronger even than the worst types of this kind of abuse. Hence, the moments of relief you've found in prayer and meditation.
Usually, in 2 parent families, there is a sort of good cop - bad cop play going on with kids; if kid is on the outs with one parent - the other parent will offer some refuge, comfort, relief and explanation and guidance, even if parent #2 is technically in agreement with parent #1. When that doesn't exist... I think kid feels betrayed by parent #2 - abandoned - along with being the target of anger & frustration (or worse) from parent #1. This is usually a temporary state; say a "time-out" punishment of finite time. Kid re-establishes a positive relationship with both parents when "punishment" is lifted. For some of us - time out was a permanent state of punishment.
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I connect with this:
I felt like an orphan, who had living parents. And in a way, I would've preferred being a real orphan - because then maybe I would've connected with another sustainable parent figure.
I recall learning about the concept of adoption when I was 5 or 6 and hoping that I was adopted just for the reason you describe. Later in my childhood, when my parents would go out to parties, especially if it were rainy, I remember lieing in bed thinking that if they died in a car wreck on the way home I might be free. I used to go through the list of my God-parents trying to decide who I would like to live with.
PS - and still the fact that I had an unhappy childhood or that there was anything wrong with my family eluded me. Had you asked me during my college years I would have in all honesty claimed that I had a great childhood and came from a perfect family. How deceptive denial can be!
*****
In our home there was no good cop/bad cop, mainly because my mother couldn't be a good cop. she preferred to stay in la-la land not dealing with anything. she popped out everynow and then when our lives and needs demanded it but then she acted like a two year old whining and throwing tantrums b/c her la-la land was disrupted. My father sometime could be good cop in that he was the only one who did activities with us but there was so much bad cop intertwined with these experiences that there was no differentiation.
*****
The psychic death was the greatest ruler with my father.
When I was meditating and feeling fear re: danger for my safety, a memory popped into my head. As a teen, I asked to go to a local mall near our home to purchase something. The mall was a couple of miles away in a very safe neighborhood and I was going for a specific item. My father said no because it was too dangerous for a girl to go by herself. (My parents controlled my every move but not out of concern but purely controll.) What I realized on Saturday was that this "fear" of safety was about this - if I were hurt or a crime victim, then my father would be right and if right then everything else he espoused would be right as well. It is very hard to convey but if I were injured it would be annihilating to the phyche.
What I am able to do now is to see this fear of death issue as a large dark sphere just to the left of center. Above this dark sphere is a greyish area that intersects the vertical center at an angle and goes off indefinitely to the left. The dark sphere in some way supports that entire grey area. If I can annihilate the dark sphere by becoming aware of how it works and when it works then the grey area which is the section of self-condemnation will also lose its grounding.
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Well, I don't know how you work on the black and gray spheres... but I think if you can see the "patterns" in specific situations - like the mall memory - there is enough "stuff" there for you to begin seeing what went wrong (identifying the problem), propose alternative solutions from what actually happened (look for a correction to the problem) and then, through trial and error - experimenting - find the most satisfactory one.
I think... not entirely sure about this... that I tried to completely separate myself from any "legacy" connection whatsoever with my parents. No, I don't have have my dad's freckles... no, I'm not "just like mom".... but, without any guidance or assistance, I made an error. That was, I still carried an unconscious "legacy connection"... in that I was so ashamed of their inability to be parents, to even care about me that I simply decided, again unconsciously - that I didn't matter... and that therefore I could treat myself any old way, to the extremes of pathological caretaking, self-sabotage and self-abuse... including always keeping alive that threat of psychic annihilation via shame for failure to perform perfectly and intuit the unknowable... as some kind of deep, dark, genetic - or even legacy connection - secret about "who I am". And I wouldn't even let myself know I was doing this....
so I was preventing myself from ever putting any emotion into "context" - to make it a part of my story, my personal narrative and coming to a different conclusion about myself. Almost intentionally preventing myself from changing emotional states from "shame" to "attunement" (i.e., balanced positive relationship). Because, in my family - as yours sounds, too - shame was a permanent thing.
It derived out blame, in my family... every normal child need I had was considered to be an intentional attempt to hurt my mom, make her sick, get on her nerves, or otherwise drive her crazy. Even her own mental/emotional states were blamed on us. From blame, it was easy to jump to shame - the toxic variety. When you can't do anything - or be anything - "right" or acceptable in a positive sense with a parent... ever... how else is a young'en going to feel about oneself, except that there is something wrong or bad about him/herself? And in some ways... that psychic annilhilation was preferable to always being in an environment where you never knew when/where you'd trigger the next emotional assault.
I'm babbling again, friend. But I think I see the "way out" of this kind of constant reinforcement of wrong brain development and the loops that we built in our brains. It does require that I re-enter the chaos-zone of all those emotions - again; one more time. But this time, I'm going to look at "alternate endings"... use my brain to imagine, write-over the "old" files about meanings... and between me, myself & I... re-attune... adjust the frequency... of me, myself and I... leaving the parents and the old blame/shame cycles as some kind of minor walk-on characters not central to the plot of the screenplay. They are setting, background, only. They are not "part of me", in reality... so why should I allow my experience with them to control who I am NOW?
"Simultaneous activation of neural networks of emotion and cognition may result in a binding of the two in a way that allows for the conscious awarenss and integration of emotion". Quote is from my "Neuroscience and Psychotherapy", Louis Cozolino.
This can be understood positively - as a healing process. But the flip side of it is more important at this point, for me. The binding of cognition/emotion can be negative, also - this is where I went wrong - so many years ago. Things got "bound" incorrectly... because of that blame/shame cycle... assumptions were falsely made... and I accepted a belief about myself that is completely not true.
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I'm going to look at "alternate endings"... use my brain to imagine, write-over the "old" files about meanings... and between me, myself & I... re-attune... adjust the frequency... of me, myself and I... leaving the parents and the old blame/shame cycles as some kind of minor walk-on characters not central to the plot of the screenplay.
This is extraordinary stuff PR and it makes complete sense to me.
Everything I am doing and the writings that have resonated with me in recent years point to something similar. Rewriting. It comletely comports with the neuroplasticity that drew me in completely when I happened upon it. It also comports with a healing theory of a woman Agnes Sanford who writings have shaped my thoughts about healing for some time.
The binding of cognition/emotion can be negative, also - this is where I went wrong - so many years ago. Things got "bound" incorrectly... because of that blame/shame cycle... assumptions were falsely made... and I accepted a belief about myself that is completely not true.
Yes - absolutely. The binding is a big problem for me. Recognizing the pattern in my life is the first step to releasing from it. I am in the midst of recognizing the "binding" about daily anxiety and the feeling that a person is about to come down hard on me. I see it play out over and over. The next step is to act differently and see the results. I haven't develop the strength/courage there yet but am close. And I have learned that it is not a one time solution but a pattern that must be repeated until it becomes the norm rather than the resistance and "bound" expectation.
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Right you are - it's not just a one time thing. In tai chi, the saying goes - it takes 1000 repetitions to learn something and 5000 to unlearn something. Doesn't matter how big the "thing" is either. I take heart from your extrordinary progress!
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4009, 4008, 4007
Just a little more to go :)
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Yeah, if you're gonna keep score... it helps to know that each time COUNTS and even if you forget... you aren't made to start over from zero, again.
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Yesterday I was thinking that keeping track may even be helpful. I was noticing how often I am using this and and I suspect that 5000 xs will come quickly.
I have a friend with whom I pray each morning via the phone.
She is beginning to hold me accountable. She says that she feels called to do that.
It is so unpleasant and I am incredibly thankful.
It is beginning to propel me forward.
The timing is excellent.
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Huh! Being held accountable, huh? That's pardoxical... but I see it and what that value is for you. There is power in it - the power to decide and do... and follow through.
Is it possible, that the old script of the double-bind denied you the opportunity to learn that you could do/be this? If so, then my logic would suppose that since the very first time you chose to do X, took the time to do X, and then enjoyed the satisfaction of completion of X... the hold that the old script had on you was effectively broken. But because it was a habit, a way of seeing yourself even, then the realities of "practice" are necessary - repetition until the new way of doing/being feels natural and becomes a part of you.
I've been thinking about failure. About how society's attitude has changed to denying that failures exist and are necessary and that they aren't shameful or destructive of self-esteem in themselves... and the repercussions of that attitude-change for individuals, businesses, and society in general. As children - and as beginners learning anything - we are going to fail and we require a safe environment to fail in... so that we can learn. Think about how an infant holds a spoon... and how that changes as she learns it has to be bowl-side up, to carry the food to her mouth - and how many times she will hold it upside down before figuring it out. The failure is necessary to success.
I think you're very lucky to have to your friend working with you.
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I laughed out loud when I read your first line. I see the confusion.
Actually, there was zero accountability in my family now or then. It was ALL condemnation and set up. There was never any point of achievement. Achievement was impossible. There was never any ATTABOY.
The accountability actually requires that I move into action. It isn't about the results it is all about getting going.
She lent me some budgeting software and asked me to set a date for when I would have it filled out.
Things like that.
It helps me feel like I am getting things accomplished rather than being set up to fail.
Another big difference is that she flat out believes I can do it and if I can't she has already suggested a couple of people who can help me. THAT is totally different from my experiences.
I've been thinking about failure. About how society's attitude has changed to denying that failures exist and are necessary and that they aren't shameful or destructive of self-esteem in themselves... and the repercussions of that attitude-change for individuals, businesses, and society in general. As children - and as beginners learning anything - we are going to fail and we require a safe environment to fail in... so that we can learn. Think about how an infant holds a spoon... and how that changes as she learns it has to be bowl-side up, to carry the food to her mouth - and how many times she will hold it upside down before figuring it out. The failure is necessary to success.
You've got it. This is so, so critical.
I have been working on helping my 9 year old learn this.
During karate camp a couple of weeks ago he was given a saying each day. One day the saying was, "Even monkeys fall from trees." I have been reading the book "Switch" and there is a section about the vitality of failure in success. It is critical to be willing to fail. Absolutely critical.
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Well - having that safe place to do it, is really important too. At least, I see that's true for me. And for me, therapy and tai chi were my "safe" places. It was tai chi, where I started to poke my head out of my shell enough to start to form new relationships. It was tai chi, where I learned that I COULD look at myself in the mirror while I worked... I could see my mistakes and fix them - and know that everyone, including the teachers, sometimes forget the sequence of the postures or set their foot wrong. And for a while, I think I actually obsessed and gloried in those mistakes (which I came to see as learning opportunities - not risks of being "caught out" and criticized) and enjoyed being "corrected" a bit too much that way... because I was trying to learn that "nothing bad would happen" as a result of my mistake - what that FELT like, mind you...
the 1000 x's... so that I could then go work on unlearning through the 5000 x's... of expecting the bad things that never came - unless I manufactured them, by twisting myself into a role/script that I'd outgrown.
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I took my little boy to Star Wars camp today. For 3 days he will be a Jedi with 47 other children.
He was beside himself.
I made a Jedi costume for him yesterday and he L-O-V-E-D it, especially the robe. When we walked in to register
there were 5 adults in their Jedi outfits and he walked right up and announced that he too had an awesome robe.
I hope he has a fantastic time.
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I think tai chi or yoga or some other discipline can be so, so valuable.
It is time for me to revisit yoga perhaps. and maybe tai chi when I have an income.
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After I post here, I went to Barnes and Nobles, ran into some friends, while talking I received a phone call from a friend who needs me to help her son with some math and physics so we all had dinner to gether. I get home about 20 minutes ago and my lights are out. Electricity turned off. I meant to pay it last week and just never got around to it. Couldn't find the bill actually. Don't know what I owe. It is dark and hot and
I'm so thankful my little boy isn't here tonight.
Why didn't I just get it done last week???
I don't know how much I owe. There was no hang tag on the door knob.
I resolve to get my life in order. No more loss of service. bills paid and paid on time going forward.
But I'm not going to beat myself up either. I did somethings well today. Took care of some business that normally would have me back in a funk. I'll take care of this tomorrow and then it is time to get my ducks in a row.
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You're not the only one, GS! I still have an anxiety-phobic-jumpy nerve about forgetting to pay a bill... so here are some ways I came up with, combined with hubby's "way of thinking" about how to organize and manage this so that I don't "forget" or get so involved with something else that I'm distracted and don't even think about... paying those bills.
We have a designated spot to sort mail. Fun stuff I want to look at later, gets put in one pile and then moved somewhere else. The mail that needs to be shredded - that I'm not interested in - goes to it's own bin and when the bin gets full, I shred for 5-10 minutes (it's not a big box). That leaves bills. (Of course, I'm still dealing with all of hubby's magazines and stuff he subscribes to...)
Bills get opened the day they come in. I review the bill in full - new charges against last months & last months' payments, etc and on the outside of the envelope it came in, I write the due date. If I'm feeling a little antsy about it, I'll even write the amount of the payment on the outside, too. The bills are all left together, with the next due date on top... in the same place everytime, so that I can see the due dates clearly. They're in a place I walk past, every single day... so I can check to see if anything is coming up that I need to remember to get in the mail. (no, I still haven't felt comfortable paying bills online yet - techie that I am; it's not that I'm fearful of the 'net version... I'm afraid I'll lose track - I'm worried about my ability to stay on top of things!!) So this way - bills don't get shuffled under other paper, forgotten about, and because I'm forced to write a check & put a stamp on the envelope, I KNOW I've paid the bill. It's in my check register, too. (This part isn't always perfect, mind you; I have recorded payments incorrectly... transposed numbers... and even made math errors while using a calculator. Anxiety and money are a volatile combination... but usually with this system, it's not so hard to find the errors.)
The amount of interaction & engagement I have with my money & paying the bills, kind of gives me a sense of emotional control... I'm consciously making decisions and paying attention to what I'm doing and allowing myself to feel good about writing the checks... which leads me to the second part of my rube-goldberg process.
I'm a huge fan of steno pads. They don't take up a lot of space and being well-bound, the pages stay together with minimum care. Pencil, sharpener, good eraser and a reliable calculator make up the rest of my "kit". This is my money-bill management and planning kit. (And yes, I'm STILL doing all this despite the change in circumstances... it's how my brain is able to turn the swirl of numbers into a comfort-zone of order) Steno pads are divided vertically into 2 columns, which is all I need to organize balances... payments... and to plan out pay-offs... and most importantly for me, to divide the bills by due date into those due on/before the 15th and those due after. Typically, if I have a credit card balance, I will always pay the same amount on it, every month unless I'm paying the whole amount. I can estimate or average the monthly payment for other bills that vary each month - like electricity or whatever; or even review the old bills to see what the highest monthly payment was to create a "master list" of bills & amounts that get paid in the first and second half of the month. Income usually doesn't change month to month, so it can simply be totalled and listed at the top of the master list.
Then, each month... as bills come in and I pay them, I create a new sheet that mimics the master sheet - 1st & second half of the month) indicating just the bill and the amount paid. When I write the check, I put a check mark next to the name of the bill. If I mess this system up, it's easy to go back to the check register and doublecheck... or if I've recorded an amount wrong there - to the chkg acccount statement to verify how much I paid to whom. I keep all these until the steno book gets full (and then start a new one).
These steno books provide a valuable record for me - to see exactly where money is going, yes. But also to help reassure myself that I CAN deal with it in a responsible fashion... that I HAVE done so in the past... so that slowly but surely, I'm able to relax more about money and trust myself and have some confidence in my ability to "take care of things" well. Having more money to manage doesn't automatically make these kinds of things go away... I find I still have to work at the emotional/psychological side of this, more than I think I "should"... and now that the amounts are bigger, I'm still doing it all myself so that I can sleep well at night. Hubby has his own version, using Quicken and his own custom spreadsheets... and I can manage that version as well. But the tactile, eye-hand-brain, connection of paper & pencil is absolutely required for my own peace of mind... that's its real value to me.
Maybe there's something in our system that you'll find helpful. I know there's lots of different ways of doing this... as many as there are people, probably! I'm not even sure where all this anxiety (it's shame-based, too) comes from for me. Yes, there was a time when bill collectors hounded me, I was regularly late on my rent, etc. and I had to fight for child support income. The origin of this is even more toxic than that, though. My fear/anxiety is that I'll be having so much FUN** or be so preoccupied doing something interesting... that I won't "remember" to pay my bills. To my knowledge - that's never happened to me - even though I did have to arrange for smaller payments at one time or another and I learned about interest rates and late-fees and prime rate-based APRs the hard way!
** Yeah, right - like I allow myself to have so much fun! That's still an uphill struggle for me and I'm continually coming up with excuses to "not do" things that do sound like fun... and fully prevent other people from engaging with me this way, too.
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I am writing before I read any posts since my own previous post. By pouring out my raw emotion and my working through it there is tremdous relief and this interior work takes on a quality of concreteness. The words give it a tangibility, a quality by which I can then expunge it from my being.
I slept somewhat fitfully last night. It was hot, very hot and dark (normally good but a little too dark with no options) and quiet, frighteningly quiet last night. I woke early, took a cool shower (as always since I not only no long have gas service but my water heater was barely working as it was) which today was quiet the deisred temperature. I dressed and headed out early to the cool interiors of a local Starbucks for AC, a cool drink and internet. A moment to find calm and peace before the rigors of the day.
First thing on my agenda was to meet a friend's son to help him with a math/science packet that is due on the first day of school (tomorrow.) There a so many aspects of this experience that were good. This friend, whom I have known since earliest memories as her family lived next door to my grandparents, has been a real anchor for me. We have been more acquaintences until a few years back when she invited my child and I to join her family and 3 other families on a beach trip. Since then our lives have intersected off and on. That trip was the beginning of the first "family" friends that my son and I have had, something that is beyond description valued by me for my son.
A year and a half ago my friend took her son out of school mid-semester in 8th grade. I agreed to help him through his online math course. It was not a good experience for either one of us. He was stubborn and angry about somethings that had little to do with me but for which I became the target. None of that was a real problem for me but my greatest fear during that time was that it would be the end of our relationships which were SO important. But miraculously our friendship remained in tact. Fast forward, today was such a gift, because it was a time of redemption. He did well and was appreciative. I enjoyed helping him and it was a benefit to him, to me and to his mother.
Plus we met before the banks opened and before I could get to work on restoring my electricity.
Once tutoring was completing, I noticed my blood pressure begin to soar and anxiety coursing. These wretched feelings only worsened as I got in my car and started out toward the electric company. As I was on my way, I used every technique that I have found to overcome it. And underneath it all was one aspect that loommed the largest - unworthiness. I saw that I more than any of the other dark qualities that have been oppressive, when it comes to matters financial, "unworthiness" has a powerful charge that overrides everything else. It sends a panic through my being. It makes me sick to my stomach and deep in the recesses of my mind I feel the screams of agony and self-loathing and name calling.
It took every ounce of determination that I had to force myself to pull into the parking lot and to get into line and stay there. I reminded myself that courage is feeling the fear and doing the work anyway. I heard my psychiatrist saying that earlier in July. I remembered how many ways that message had come into my life just this summer. I used EFT to find a place of calm in the midst of chaos. I remembered where this "unworthiness" came from and relabeled it as a false message. And as I stood in the long line, I looked around and saw a display of electric appliances including a water heater. A sign on the water heater read, "Ask about our program for a free water heater when you switch from gas."
So I did. Now I can "afford" a new water heater and have the source of energy to power it. Soon, within the week, I will have hot water. This was something quite good that came out of something that felt so bad.
It is a shift in the tide. Things financial are beginning to turn. Today, I get my first draft of my budget in place. After 8 months of having a gadget that will allow me to download software to my disk-drive-less notebook, I have picked it up and am learning to use it. Why didn't I do it sooner? I felt such fear and such a huge sense of being overwhelmed and under resourced as though I would never get it right or as though I had made such an error in buying it. It all fed into that self-condemnation. But, finally, I am finding the strength and courage to be accountable and to move through this fear and move forward. Finally, step by step, day by day, I am finding the ability to move past this shame and self-comdemnation and paralysis that has gripped me for so many years.
This is a frightening, difficult and lonely process. The worst of it is that in going through it, all the dust and the extremeity of the wretched feelings are kicked up into a blinding, and choking duststorm that feels as if it will kill me. But I know that if I don't risk then that doing nothing is more of a certain death and whatever might happen from the fear and shame. It is a do or die and though I would rather lie down and die, some strange sense of survival that has eluded me all of these years has kicked in at long, long last and I am finally moving forward.
In recent days, it has become increasingly clear to me that I have had my identity in that child that my father saw as a subject of his own displaced self-loathing. I have had my identity in comtempt of some people who were once valuable friends. I have had my identity in a image of failure and worthlessness and rejection.
All of this came to me one mornign last week when I was processing a dream. I used a technique that I read about years ago in which I put myself into the being or mind of one of the characters in my dream so that I can view the dream experiences through that person's eyes. (I haven't used this very often so I see it as perfect gift that I would remember it at just the right time.) As soon as I remembered this concept I knew, without even applying it, that I had been living life as though through my father's and my high school friends' eyes - with dismissal and contempt. And I have lived into those images.
Immediately I realized that I must change that image. While that is easier said than done, it has given me a path and I have taken the first steps along the way. Oddly enough, no matter how many times I have seen what step on my healing journey should come next and found that it leads in the correct path, it is still incredibly frightening, terrifying even. Though I know only good will come, I am frightened even as I write this but I chose to do it any way.
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Wow - PR - how kind of you to take the time to write that out for me.
I get your system. I can do that.
I can first do the sorting.
And I can definitely, easily write due dates and amounts on bills and keep in order.
I need to find the right place for them - other than a pile on the breakfast room table (as they are now) where I will walk past them.
I will think about a version of your steno pad work that will work for me.
Thank you for your kindness. It really feels like a salve.
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CB - wow, that was so helpful to read.
It is always helpful to know that I am not alone.
I have been reading a couple of books that have been giving me some great ways to handle money. One is about an investment strategy, another about 8 financial types and the way to balance all 8 within our lives. I have been able to read these and organize the ideas as though I could use them - a strange kind of compartmentalization keeping my current financial disfunction and anxiety out of the picture. The 3rd book SWITCH is about change and bringing it about on a personal level or organizational.
So in a weird way I am working through stuff and putting order and organization in place in one compartment in my being, sort of like storing up nuts in my tree even while I shut down and do my dysfunction dance in the here and now. It is so nice to know that I am not the only someone who struggles and is anxious and forgetful over the everyday, hum-drum necessities of being a responsible adult. Thanks for sharing with me and letting me know.
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Ah, hon... while it's true we gotta do our own work, on ourselves by ourselves (and be accountable to ourselves!)... you ain't alone at all. I think perhaps you don't realize how many people have been in your shoes (or are in your shoes)... and were able to change the situation. It's not easy to do or explicitly clear how to do it - but it's also not as hard as we think or fear it is, before we start the process. It's certainly not shameful at all; the only people who think poverty is shameful and that people get what they deserve are Nsnobs who wouldn't admit to having anxieties or money problems or flaws at all. I've been so impressed by your strength and determination and creative solutions, reading your posts the past few years. You're gonna be just fine, I can tell. You're building positive change experiences... accomplishments... momentum!
I like that you are expressing your insights, before replying to my suggestions and attempts to help. I like that the resources you need are now coming to you, in all those different forms and on so many levels. To me, this is a great omen portending gigantic positive directional change to come in the very near future. You're doing foundation work for raising the wall and adding a roof...
Sorry I got a little carried away with detail in that last post! I used to write how-tos for using software and one couldn't assume any knowledge on the part of the learner, at all. Every now and then, I have someone who didn't know that they could click a button on the screen with the mouse... because they were used to things on the screen just being "pictures" and they didn't know they could interact with them. Not knowing didn't mean they couldn't learn - but I found I had to listen to more of what the student was saying than just the words, to be able to figure out what the specific piece of information they needed (and didn't have) was... and then I poured more information out than they could hold most of the time! :D
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I have to tell you PR, the detail that you use is so helpful. And your style of writing is so pleasantly readable. I especially appreciate the concreteness of your writing. I am able to connect and understand rather than scratching my head wondering what you might be alluding to.
I really love your writing. That is why I will always encourage you to write that book. It is greatly needed. You have a special style that would open up worlds of understanding for so many, ME included.
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Timing is everything, my hubby likes to say... What I mean by that, is that the creative process finally percolated and made coffee at 3 am this morning. The ideas came together and what I propose to do, is put together a "first draft" over on the Member's stories page and since it's alot to write (actually rewrite parts of Twiggy's Tale from all my other posts here... woven together, finally...) it will be a kind of serial story. I don't think there's enough content for a book - but we'll see. For the sake of coherence, I'm back to my journal writing in long-hand first... working out order and sequence, that kind of thing... then, I'll write the story here. Things I've read... even from others here will probably make their way into the story. They'll be "further processed" than they were presented originally, though and it may not be possible for me to remember who said what, all the time. They are things that hit me like a ton o' bricks and opened up my perception and understanding faster and way more, than I could've done on my own.
I've seen it said in a lot of different places - most recently in my Neuroscience book - that co-construction of personal narratives is one of the main goals of therapy. Bless my T for helping me do this enough to be able to see that I wasn't a helpless victim... I wasn't crazy and I didn't have anything to be ashamed of... and that I actually DID manage to try - albeit unconsciously - to resolve the conflicts in my present day life with the old stuff that I wouldn't allow myself to remember. Bless her AGAIN - for also realizing that I was fully able to integrate the old narrative with the current one on my own (even if I didn't have much confidence in that ability and needed her reassurance periodically) and that within the context of my narrative it was actually fundamentally vital for me to do it completely solo without her help.
Hope you like it, GS!
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I am becoming aware of how I identify myself and it is with all the negative aspects that I have often written about here.
I realize that it is important that I develop a new identify for myself.
While I continue to make changes and to keep up the progress I have made, there is more that is needed and the past difficulties and failures have conditioned me to expect and accept disappointment and discouragement. Time for a change.
On a more positive note: since I cleaned up my son's room and playroom he and I have kept it clean together. We have worked to develop a positive morning and bedtime routine and are keeping it up. These are such a positive turn and I am glad for them and looking forward to adding more beads of change to this string.
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Completely blown away by #32, GS...
just blown away.
What ACTUAL work and progress.
What courage and determination.
Just thrilling to me, and deeply encouraging re. my own similar resistance places, too.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so impressed and awed.
I know what courage and deep deep effort these stories (disemboweling the "unworthy" voice in the electric co. queue; decided Yes I Can learn to use software to help me build a way out...) take.
love and understanding,
Hops
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I realize that it is important that I develop a new identify for myself.
YAY! I know you're not talking about an external, superficial makeover - but sometimes something as simple as a new haircut or new style of clothes does help to energize the inner process. It's something tangible to express something inner, though. A type of validation. In my experience, everytime I've made the external the focus of my change-energy... it's always run out of steam and I "revert to type".
The deeper, inner self type of changes that you're talking about are very organic, seem to have a mind all their own and also seem perpetually just beyond the ability of any plan to affect them. That said, I'm discovering that there are ways to influence (persuade) and nudge those kinds of changes along. The best way I can talk about this, is using the example of how children grow and develop and mature. That process is big enough - complex enough - to have all the "crayons" I need to cover all the stuff that comes up.
Babies aren't "no one" when they're born. They've already got their DNA, their brains have already starting growing and changing in the womb - and they have already begun adapting to their home environment, as well. As they grow and develop - those 3 nutrients we talked about so much a couple years back - autonomy, connection, self-efficacy - are provided by the environment and people around them. Gradually, children begin to learn to "do for themselves" and internalize those nutrients - each in their own individual way. Predicting how that happens, usually gets parents in trouble! Kids don't exactly follow the "plan", you know? And when parents are too invested in their "plan" for a kid instead of getting to know the kid who was born - and the kid just isn't that person - well... here we are! (I really don't think you were the perfect kind of person to comfortably exist in the context of who your parents are/were, do you? You're very different! And that's a strength, a plus, to you now.)
So the types of changes you're talking about - and I'm trying to do, as well - are dependent on environment, somewhat. We don't just grow into some ideal mold of a person we think we ought to be or want to be and the mold can't be forced on us... but slowly we discover where there's some wiggle room; or places we can stretch ourselves into; or things we haven't yet tried because we were convinced that "that's just not me".
And it's not like one can easily scrap everything - wipe all the paint off the canvas or even paint white over it (the old brushstrokes still show through) to start all over again. You gotta work with what ya got - paying attention to and nurturing all the good, desired stuff (and I think you've got a lot of things on this side of the list!) and gradually giving less energy, less attention, and time & energy to the things on the list that just aren't working, useful, or attractive to you. Is that a plan and I just said a plan often backfires? Maybe - but this list of pros & cons can be flexible, I think. Adapting seems to be the key word for me, these days.
And I think - still need to verify this - that with the pieces of me that I know I've got, I can basically "remodel" or "makeover" the arrangement of things that make up me, to be sturdier, more storm resistant, more welcoming than the arrangement that "just happened" haphazardly in reaction to parents, life, trauma, etc. in my mad dash to survive.
It's so good to hear that some of the changes you've made are "sticking"! I really like your image of "beads of change"... that's a good way to think of this process. I hope you can feel some momentum energy building up to some more beads...
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I have 10 minutes to sneak in a quick post here as I sit in the parking lot at Whole Foods in a cool snap low of 91 F.
I find myself "thinking" posts so often but seldom getting the time or privacy to actually put them down here.
Just today i was thinking about you Hops and sending you a quiet thanks as I invoked my 4 item rule, which is much like my 10 weed rule which all helps me keep and create order out of chaos. Both of those are variations on your theme of 1 square foot cleaning. My 4 item rule is to iron 4 items at a time. It gives me the courage to get a small pile done rather than never start because the pile is so huge. I usually get more than 4 done but almost every time I am willing to get something done rather than just walk on by.
I have really been doing a decent job these past two months, maintaining the couple of rooms that I got cleaned up in July. Now it is time to expand my clean space and add another room or two. In addition to having a couple of clean rooms, I have been getting up early, meditating and having meals planned and prepared early.
But more important than adding more rooms to my clean space is pushing forward into income production. This is of course the scariest for me.
Time is up so I will add one more thought. I picked up Scott Peck's People of the Lie again because I thought there might be something of interest for a friend of mine. What I have found is that there is so much in it for me. I feel as though i am reading about my life. I'm not sure how I missed that the first two times I read it but who knows, at least I am finding value in it this time, and a number of things that I want to share here. But, alas, I am out of time. Hope to get back very soon. - GS
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Thank you, GS!
I need support for my "square feet" too...and I appreciate the reminder.
I am so moved and impressed by your maintenance of the rooms you've cleaned so far.
That is just SUCH a sign of a changed life.
And the small bits at a time? Bravo.
I know and I share.
love,
Hops
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GS, I know it's bad to write in books, but I highlighted People of the lie both times I read it, and it was amazing to see what I got from each read.
Hops, I've been cleaning china cabinets, one shelf at a time.
No pressure. No guilt.
Both cabinets, and their contents, are now sparkling and it feels so good.
Thanks for the Square feet cleaning ideas.
They do help: )
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About writing notes in books:
I sometimes wish I still had the books that I'd marked up. It's like a journal or study guide for me - even if I can't remember what struck me so much that I had to make the scribble. Like Hansel & Gretl's breadcrumbs those notes give me a way to trace the ideas that were important to my progress in becoming "me". Especially as I would link ideas in poetry or lit, or spiritual books, with science and neuro and psych. Sure, some were naive... even silly wistful things! Still - the books are "where I've been" and if I choose to revisit those, it's nice to know what I thought/felt the first time around... even if I no longer think that.
GS! Thanks for the update and the good news! I'm so glad to know that your progress is expanding and picking up depth & speed. Hugs to you...
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I went to the bank to get money on Monday. The cupboard was bare.
I was dumbfounded because I was expecting a Social Security check deposited between the 18th and 20th. No deposit.
I have checked my last statement - no deposit in July.
That means that they have stopped the deposits for some reason. Now I have to find out why and what I can do about it.
All of this financial stuff sends my adrenalin soarring. This is SOOO frightening for me BUT it is exactly what I need to do and I know that courage is facing what I fear and doing it anyway. Plus, I know exactly where the fear is coming from and there is no way I can get where I want to be without doing this work so no matter how frightening and how much I would like to get out of this I know I must.
It is scary. I am also going to ask my father to loan me money until I get this payment reinstored. This social security check is the only income I have and it has not been enough to keep us alive as it is under $1000 and I am behind in property tax for a year with yet another year looming ahead.
I do need to push forward to generate income. It is all so scary.
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I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that it's a simple mixup - maybe a new computer system or something - and can be quickly, easily fixed. I'll also be hoping you get to deal with someone who's compassionate and kind. Even the gov'mint makes mistakes.
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Bad day yesterday on a number of fronts, but as I was thinking about that this morning, I wondered what did I mean by "bad day." My answer surprised me - "bad day" meant that my reactions has more control over me than I had over them, my fear, anxiety, depression were running amok. That is a bad day for me.
But in reality, while they were running wild, in comparison to even a short while back, I still had more control than for most of my life.
Several things sent my anxiety and depression into over-drive: a $150 bill for car-repair following a $180 bill on Monday; an empty account and realiztion that I had not filed necessary paper work with Social Security (this actually was good news b/c that means that I can rectify this situation and have a financial reprieve to some degree very soon) but also I bumped into my father. He walked by me and spoke, "Hello" in the way you address someone you have seen before but whose name you don't know. It is such a confirmation of what I already know, that he has zero interest or concern about me. It is no surprise but it is jarring none-the-less.
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Thanks PR. It is a simple fix and quick in relative terms -" 3 to 5 business days after tomorrow".
I have made a phone call to borrow a few $100s in the mean time. That may or may not happen. But the bottom line is that it is a reprieve that will give me the time and boost that I need to get my ducks in a row. No time like the present.
I no longer have my two biggest time sappers and attention detractors - TV and internet, (not that that stops me from spending time on line) but it has given me much needed focus so that will help me push through the next step.
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One step at a time.
Same thing as the square feet but it's your real feet!
I'm sorry about the tough week but really impressed to hear your calm and clear thinking...
you're so far ahead of where you were, GS!
love,
Hops
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WOWZERS!!!!!!!!!
You might have to read your last post - and then compare it to some just a few weeks ago. I was struck with how far you've come, impressed with how you've accomplished some of your main goals that (to me) it seems we discussed not so long ago and by how free you are now, from the old double-bind loops and emotional mind-games.
Connection - is necessary, along with communication of your needs and having a reasonable expectation that those needs will be met, to resolve the issue at Social Security. Paperwork is just a formality. You've got that under control and sailed through resolving the problem, with ease.
Autonomy - in a very real experiential way, autonomy is "doing what you have to do" without letting the old emotional loops get in the way and prevent you from doing them. They are still there - as you've recognized - but they've been de-fanged and stripped of their "magical" power.
Self-Efficacy - You realized your crisis; you defined goals; you made a plan - and you are carrying it out! You KNOW you can rely on yourself, trust yourself now.
And not even seeing your father - or experiencing the same old, same old with him - was big enough or powerful enough to stop you from carrying on; it didn't set you back. That's like meeting the devil face to face and ignoring his whispered lies which caused the fear in the first place. BRAVO!! [APPLAUSE!!]
That is EXACTLY the place you've been saying you wanted to get to, and from what you've described I think you're THERE.
That said, I also know that this is still very tough; it still hurts; and it's still very scary. In fact, I know from my own experience that even the accomplishments can generate a bit of fear about reprisals, the other shoe dropping, progress being wiped out - ETC. None of the things I feared were based on anything except the old thought-pattern of fear. Nothing "bad" happened as a result of me moving out of the past and into the new.** Now you know, that in reality, "negative" is only right half the time - and perhaps even less - if we give in to the fear and start to doubt ourselves and our abilities.
But, it's got to feel good - new and good - to know that you've done all this yourself. And rather than looking back at the "old" - which you already know better than you want to know - keep patting yourself on the back for this new good in your life and take a few minutes to cross off one goal on the list, while you add a new one (the next step).
** That's not saying that unpleasant, unwanted experiences don't happen to everyone. They do. But it doesn't happen on the scale or level of the mental/emotional difficulty inherited from our FOO. We've had more issues with bills because of our move than we've had in 10 years. The post office didn't forward a couple - the biller assessed late charges on the next bill; I sent payment and explained what had happened. The late fees were waived. Then, just last week we got a collection notice... one of hubby's cell phones was charged to a card co. that was sold (and so the auto-payments didn't go through)... I was angry, initially, because I kept reminding him to deal with it; but forgot his intention was to end the service in Sept to avoid a drop out penalty - and of course, we've been a little busy (to understate it for effect) this summer, to remember something that was just a few lines on a bill we weren't getting anymore...
Oh... and what we've been through with the vehicles!! I didn't realize I needed a degree in interstate commerce to complete this transfer!! :D
So yes, I agree with you 100% on your definition of what a bad day is! Managing those reactions is necessary for a good outcome, dealing with these kinds of things, I find. Not a guarantee, mind you - just very, very helpful.
So when's the celebration planned for????
:D
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Wow, I am glad I came here today. I was finding myself really down today for the first time in a long while. I had been exercising but not for the past few weeks - too hot. Between than and being slightly under the weather for about 10 days I have begun really dragging. But after reading your two posts I feel much more encouraged. thank you for the perspective.
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I have two brothers and two parents. Each of my brothers have one son.
I get no phone calls about any activities in any of their lives. My mother didn't call or notify me in August when two of her first counsins died. I learned recently from my mother that my oldest nephew is in town for a couple of weeks before he returns to the west coast for his last year of college.
It is such a disappointment that my brother, sister-in-law and nephew have ZERO interest in being in touch with my young son. Both of my nephews have no 1st cousins on their mothers' sides so my son and nephews are the only relatives in their generation and still my brothers, sisters-in-law and nephews have no interest in having even cursory relationships.
I cannot tell you how disappointing and painful this is.
When I saw my father a week ago, it drove home in a new way about how little he ever cared. Not that I didn't already understand it but none-the-less it was driven home in a different way, a deeper level somehow.
I have dreams on a regular basis in which I am in the midst of people and I am totally dismissed, overlooked, tolerated at best. It is such a wretched feeling. But the real issue for me is that I am becoming aware that these dream images are how I live into this "identity" that I acquired in my family of origin. I am so locked between an anger, a rage about this and a weaker determination to leave this identity behind.
My anger is about injustice. I recognize that part of me wants to rail and rage until I get attention of the "authorities" who will certainly come in to right the leaning ship. It is a psychological place that I have been since early childhood. Rationally I know that there is no authority that will come to the rescue, that in truth there is little justice. I am so well aware of this that I find that I spend quite a bit of my parenting in teaching my own child how not to expect "justice" but to learn to control his own approach and attitude. But my own dreams and my own psychological state tell me that I have not made that transformation myself.
I recognize that my well being depends on this transformation.
I am going to go back and reread Switch which I found to be a tranformational kind of book.
http://heathbrothers.com/switch/
Has anyone else here read it. I found it to be fascinating.
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Hi, friend!
Wow. I know just what you mean about that feeling in you that wants the authorities to take charge of this relationship situation and vindicate you... and set it "right". I think I've still got some of that (probably more than I'm aware of). But I've been working on it - trying to catch it "coming up" - and then my way of dealing with it, is to "talk it down from the ledge".
One thing that works for me personally, in this is: I have a "business personality" that I put on when working, just like the professional clothes. I have another, more intimate, personality that is "me" to my close friends and family and y'all here on the board. My "PHamily", as Hops coined. Since my old job was a cozy little nest of Ns (from one perspective), my business personality learned a lot of different ways of keeping me sane in the midst of what could be, at times, a maddening situation. Sort of like - and sometimes exactly like - that injustice felt about the loss of real relationships with parents and sibs.
Except that, in a business situation, I had fewer expectations of being respected, taken seriously, even listened to. I had to create the credibility, earn the respect, and maintain the trust relationships at work to get the results that I wanted. This is the grunt work of creating and maintaining healthy boundaries, I think. But it has a very beneficial unintended consequence, when I use this approach in my thoughts, feelings and dealings with my FOO. It helps protect me from my own expectations (and the hurt & loss when those expectations are inevitably shattered). Now, I think it's been a few years that I've been going through all the emotional processing of the realization that my expectations of FOO weren't at all based on reality. My expectations were based on what I wanted from them; what I thought they "should" be and how I felt I "should" be treated.
So much of what I've posted has been my coming to terms with the fantasy in those shoulds and my wants and reality. It's been about gradually accepting the reality, accepting & grieving the loss of the hopes & dreams in the fantasy, and also accepting the "Phamily" relationships I do have, as a real, close and satisfactory emotional "connection". Not chlld-parent relationship, mind you. I made that mistake early on and truth is, it's a minefield for me to navigate. So my boundaries are agreements made between equals; peers; that care very much for either other... and rather than letting myself seek out and try to fit someone into a "substitute mom" role... I try to do that for myself and will accept trading "mothering" of each other among my Phamily. Everyone gets turn when they need it!!
And over time... as the loss becomes an old scar... I wonder why I EVER expected what I did from these "broken" people in my FOO... and I'm just fine without having those kinds of relationships with people who share my DNA. My life is pretty full of other, really good relationships. I am blessed that way. And I'm an adult; sorta mature (won't ever claim "grownup" status!) and a grandma - I am just fine without my FOO... and truthfully, at this point?? Unless some great transformation happens to my brother, trying to support my old wishes for what I believe I missed out on or even having the old injustices righted, just isn't worth the drama and the energy. Life's too short to pursue what I now know I can't have... and Life's rich enough for me to be grateful, feel blessed and safe and happy... without it.
Hope you find your way there, too GS.
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That is so helpful PR.
As I read your post I understood that relationship work, whether professional or social or whatever, will require work on my part. I have been looking for it to be smooth and frictionless - effortless - to just happen. But as I read your words I saw my expectations in a new light. One of the things I do to bring in a little money is tutor - high school math. All of my students happen to be boys. One of the common aspects is that they (my particular students) want this to be easy - effortless. They, to a one, refuse to do the hard work, well actually, they refuse to do ANY work and they get angry because math requires them to be precise. As I read, I saw that I have wanted relationships to be effortless and that is not the way it is going to be for me. It matters not whether relationships are as effortless as they appear for others, for me, due in great part to the Nism of my original fishtank, that is the way it is and just as I truly hope for my students, that they will be willing to do the work, I see now that part of the key is the willingness on my part to do the hard work rather than bemoaning the fact that it takes work and is not effortless. Time to accept the facts and move forward. It could be as simple as that.
Thanks so much for your perspective. I totallly get it.
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Oh, I don't think relationships are natural and effortless for anyone! Somewhere along the way, the people who appear to have many of these relationships learned, absorbed, figured out what the "work" of a relationship consists of... and they practiced, made some mistakes and learned from them, etc until it became "natural" for them. This is a skill - just like being able to chop veggies really fast & accurately, like a chinese chef is a skill. Sure, I think the nature of our original "fishtank" (I like this!) makes a difference. And sure it's easier to connect with some people compared to others. Basically, I think when our fishtank taught us that relationships are dangerous and painful... our marvelously creative brains find all kinds of subtle, subconscious ways to help us avoid relationships... the "rationale" (or rationalization) being that this is a way to protect ourselves. But, when our fishtank repeats the the opposite and "proves" that relationships can be fun, supportive, caring... we seek out relationships more easily.
Another way to look at this, is to see how what we think/feel about ourselves influences that basic choice about relationships, too. I've been telling all my new neighbors that I'm a hermit... or I'm just not ready or too busy, to join the weekly activities groups that are a part of the full-time community here. I know I actively push people away. I know that it's not because I don't "like them"... it's more that I'm afraid they won't "like me" because I'm an inward, more self-sufficient type of person... and I don't need (literally - I don't need) that kind of group acceptance to be content and happy. It can even be overwhelming for me. My fishtank didn't provide this... and the few times I was even close to having and being comfortable with this... it didn't work out, because I don't know the "rules" (again, the fishtank experience). I'm a horrible hostess, because I get so anxious & perfectionistic I'm worn out and resentful by the time my guests get here. Hey - it was a big step for me to even accept offers of help from people who recognized what I was doing to myself and truly wanted to help me relax!! :D I still struggle with this... there's some improvement.
Before I get too far off track, it's because I see myself as not being a natural at relationships... that my sneaky brain developed all these habits to keep myself at arm's length from having to even deal with them - on a personal, social level. This is my attachment style at work in the present, where it's just not relevant anymore. As adults, I can't see any reason for thinking that personal relationships are any different from "professional" relationships... for making that distinction of type. The process and necessary elements are the same in both, right? Maybe.... this just popped up in my brain... maybe this is one of those N-lie-misconceptions that we learn in that fishtank, that simply don't hold up as true, in the bright white light of analysis. The things that differ between personal/professional relationships are feelings - depth, intensity, and trust and mutuality - the give & take experience... and the location of boundaries. But NOT the basics.
HMMMMMM.
The most important part of my success at work was my ability to establish good relationships with a group of 300 faculty - involving communication, shared experiences, caring, and trust. I was very good at it, even with some "difficult" personality types. Rationally speaking - that's a disconnect between my personal/professional self-image. If I'm good at it in one setting... then there's no reason I can't do this in another, right?
Thanks for this turn in the topic, GS. I need to keep looking at this some more and will welcome further observations or thoughts on your experience with this, too.
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part of the key is the willingness on my part to do the hard work rather than bemoaning the fact that it takes work and is not effortless. Time to accept the facts and move forward.
Me, too, GS.
In my case...I'm lazy. Paralysis is comfortable in a perverse way.
xo
Hops
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Oh my heavens Hops - me too. I am finding myself needing to acknowledge and confess - yes siree that lazy bug does bite.
I had an incident this afternoon that has knocked me for a loop, straight down into a real bonefide depression.
My little boy is in the 4th grade and his school is having its annual fundraiser. They run around the field 30 -35 times and collect pledges for laps run. So my son who is crazy about his stepgrandmother, (they go iceskating every Saturday) called my father and asked him to pledge $1 per lap. My father, whom my son is named for (don't even ask what I was thinking) said no because last Spring when we invited him to come to the schools 80th anniversary we didn't show up.
Well we did. But he didn't show up where and when we had invited him. (Nevermind that this is the school he attended.) So 5 months later he is holding a grudge (for his mistake) and taking it out on a 9 year old. Nevermind also that he doles out thousands and thousands of dollars to sychophants who bow down to his knees.
This is such a mainline shot to the feelings that I had as a youth. I knew immediately why I have felt responsible for things that are completely out of my control all of my life, because I was going to be held responsible for them by my father and I would pay significant consequences.
I remember going back and forth in my mind last spring about inviting him but I decided that it was the thing to do. Somewhere in that brain I must have thought I it was the right thing to do I suspect I was confused by what the "normal" thing to do would be and by some sort of societal expectations - who knows. Surely I will have learned a lesson. Maybe I thought that he would not do to my son what he does to me as though he had some control over being a normal human or not - NOT.
It is such a discouraging experience. I am thankful that I can come here and write about it. I really needed to tell someone, anyone who might have even an inkling of understanding. I would have called my oldest brother but when I e-mailed him about my experience running into my father about a month ago he didn't even bother responding. I have one friend who shares personal things with me but first of all I don't think she could quite get it. She thinks her mother is narcissistic and she may be but it is such a mild form compared to my father. Besides she has a way of referring to my problems as "from the past". (Little does she know.) And for some reason that feels like a put down to me. I suspect that feeling is from the old s**t but I can't quite put my finger on it - I only know that it is my stuff and not hers.
Well I am going to do what I don't really like don't really think is polite but I am rushed and so I am going to "dump" and run. My apologies - I think it rude. I hope you will understand and forgive me - GS
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When I knew my brother was irredeemably gone from my life (as in anyone I will ever want to "belong to") was when he hurt my daughter (willingly and with relish).
Matter of fact, the day I decided to divorce her father, the same thing happened (he gratuitiously hurt her, age 6, and she cried for an hour...and he wouldn't go talk to her). Done. Finito.
So ... a grandfather who'd deny his son that $1 pledge, and for such an unfair reason?
Imo...
done.
finito...
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Hops
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We do something that looks a little strange in art, when we're trying to solve for why a composition doesn't feel "right" or doesn't "work". We'll take the image and turn it upside down... and then look at the balance of objects, the balance of color, and how the eye moves across the image. Sometimes we even find a way to improve the image! :D
Your experience reminded me of that because you expressed all the elements you need to solve the remaining questions you have about it. The answers are there; it's just in how you're looking at it that is evoking the questions.
The big question you posed, about the feeling of being put down because you connected with your son's experience (and consequently, recognized your own past feelings)... is one of those "interpretations" that we impose on other people based on how we were treated by the insufficient, cruel, or negligent parents of the past. It would FIT if it was your Dad implying that "it was all in the past" - be a put down, that is. He would be denying you the right to your feelings and his responsibility for his part in your feelings - which are truly outside of time - and until you've resolved them, will continue to occur when tweaked by a present day situation.
But from another person - even a friend - it's something else. It's meant well; to help soothe and restore your equilibrium, I think. To help you resist the magnetic pull into the old black hole loops of feeling bad... paralysis... feeling bad... etc. It's meant to remind you that except for emotional processing and healing ["except" is admittedly a LOT], there's often not a lot we can do about old hurts: we can identify, acknowledge, soothe again (for the nth time... there's always an "again") and then turn our attention to handling the things we can do something about, in the present. Sometimes, we can even find ways to address old hurts by dealing with more current ones... from our new place within ourselves.
You didn't say how your son felt. Was it an important issue for him? Were his feelings hurt? Did he just shrug it off? Like it was no big deal? Or does it bother him? Does he know it upset you and why? And does he want a "mother-tiger" defending him? Or will he decide to work it out for himself?
I know I have to be careful with my girls - when something happens to them and they're expressing feelings or trying to resolve an emotional predicament - I have to make a conscious effort to not let bits of their experience click into my old crap... and then express that back to them from my old wounded perspective. It's just not the same situation for them; even with my mom - it's a whole different set of circumstances for them, than what I deal/dealt with. Sometimes, they even teach me things or put something from the past, to rest!!
I do know these things have to be expressed - somehow, somewhere - or they're like an unnoticed drop of battery acid that in time burns right through skin and bone.
Bounce it off your new armor, GS... you don't have to go "back" anymore!!