Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Lupita on July 25, 2010, 01:56:03 PM
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Now, I am totally sure that M is an N. We have been together for 8 months now and I am constantly feeling stressful by him. I have been spending all the time in his house, although I pay my own rent of my ap[artment in which I so not live, but it is better to know that I have my own place. I went to my apartment ofr one night day befopre yesterday, Friday night. When I came back, he was on Saturday morning, he was hiding and scared the sh*t out of me. I started crying and told him that I did not like that. He has onde it in the past but he thought it was nice. I thrhew him to the pool in revanche a little later. I enterd the pool too and had fun there. But I was already depressed.
Last week on Sunday he got out the wave runner and made me wait under the sun at the duck 20 minutes before and 20 minutes after, while he took the trailer home and caome back just to save six dollars of parking. He called me brainless when I did not do something the way he wanted. I cried and he asked me for forgiveness. On Thursday he called me Silvia instead of my own name infront of his brother and sister in low who were visiting.
Later we went dancing and he left me in the middle of the dance floor. I kept dancing on my own and went out discreetely. Nobody notriced it. But the next day I tiold him he was very rude and disrespectful and he said he was just having fun and nobody would have been mad by that. After that he was dancing with me and started suddenly dancing with another lady. I told hime that was disrespoectful. i cried and he said that he was going to try to be more proper in the dance floor but that I shoudl not take it personally because he was only having fun.
Yester
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On Thursday night I was very tired after a four hours exam (GRE) we were dancing at our Thursday dancing place and they gave free wings. I was eating like desperate after 8 hours without eating and he told me to put my food down and dance with him. I swalowed my wing and danced but he told me I was a basket case because I could not concentrate in the steps.
Yesterday we went to tango and he told me I was having a bad attitude. He said that I was not worth a tooth when I have a bad attitude. I called him ass hole.
He stopped the dancing close embrace when he saw me doing it. I did it once and then another one of the best dancers asked me to dance with him. After that he held my hand and told me that eh did not want us to change partners.
Yesterday he danced with two ladies but only one song and all the time he danced with me. But I was depressed. He dsoes not understand that he little remarks he tells me are making me depressed. He things that I should take antidepressants but he does not know that as long as I am with him I am going to be depressed because of the way he treats me.
I cannot leave him yet. I am studying for my GRE exam and after that will apply for a phd degree at a university so I can teach in university instead of middle school.
I will have cosmetic surgery because I lost weight and and my skin hung down after that.
Now I have to do it again. For free with my friend in my country.
So, we have not had intimate life for two months because I don’t feel like it for the resentment he is creating.
But the good thing is that I am learning how to treat an N. How to deal with him. Now I want to learn how to feel indifferent to his actions. If I leanr that I will be able to deal with anything in my life.
My therapist says that I have to leave him, and I know I have to, but I am not ready yet. Still she says that if I am going to stay with him a little longer I have to see him as a car that I will dispose of when I am capable to buy a new one. I will buy a new one when I enter my doctorate degree and move from my town to a dorm in the university or small room around the university talk to studious people, educated people, better dance school at the university beside the phd, I will be taking piano lessons and dance lessons.
I want to be able to go to dances and not to feel anything when I see him with another woman. But I am not ready for that now. I will be. Little by little he is killing me and eventually I will stop loving him. But I have to wait till that moment so I have no regrets at all.
Still, I am learning so much from him. He is just like my mother. He is not as malignant as my mother, but he is a strong N big N. he has even turned the TV off when I was watching it as if I did not exist. I am learning a lot because I know I have done some of these things to people and to my beloved son who has become a wonderful man despite my problems. I am learning a lot. I need to learn not to suffer. I will leanr that with him.
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On Thirsday night when we were coming back from dancing with his borther and siter in law, he put his cell phonein speaker and called a girls friend and started talking about her love life. I thought that was aukward and everybody was lstening this girl freind confiding in him. I got my ceell and called a male friends and he immediately hung up his phone. Last night he asked me permission to dance with a beautiful but very ncie and respectful lady and I said yes. he did not dance close and it was only one song. i can live with that. That does not bother me. if he continues behaving like that I can ignore th other stuff.
One of the ladies that chase him, came and sat with us for a few minutes and I asked him about an ex dance partner she had who domped her, so I had a small revanche. I want to learn to stand up for my self. To be strong and to be not affected by this idiot. I know I will not spend the rest of my life with him and I will leave him sooner than later. But I am not ready now, I still want to prove somehtings. i have seen that he has been makling some changes that are positive to our relationship. I want to see if I can train him to be a tolerable individual to be with. He is a lot of fun, he dances super well and I love dancing with him and it is so difficult to find availaboe men at our age that I would like to see if I can learn not to be affected by his actions. I have seen him to moderate his flirtiness. I have seen him to stop the close embrace dancing, he is paying more attnetion to me. The names calling are diminishing when I tell him the sameand start calling him names, he stops. He is providing me with an amzing opportunity to practice to deffend my slef which I was never capable to do. Now I can think what to say. He does not know how much he is teaching me. I am learning not to ell
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I am learning not to tell him my plans, I am learning to tell him what I will do at the last moment so he does not have any time to call other friends, I am learning to keep my information private, I am learning to show unaffected in front of other people and I am learning to have fun despite everything. I am learning to have fun. He is Teaching me. He says hello to people who does not answer hello to him and the next time he does it again and I have seen that after 251 hellos the person starts talking to him and he constantly makes new friends by ignoring the arrogant attitude of some people. I am learning to be positive. N people do not suffer. I want to not suffer at all. I will get there.
In Spanish we say, le voy a comprar sus zapatitos de ballet para que de puntitlas se valla a chingar a su madre. It means, I am going to buy him ballet shoes so he can go doing pas de buree to f*$#k his mother. I am learning from him. And that is being in power. Now I have to learn to have fun on my own so he can get jealous. I will start doing things on my own. Let us see how he reacts.
He wants me to leave my walks. I stopped going but I will start again. He wanted me to leave the church. I think I will leave it but not for him, but for me because they make me work too hard and pay me very little.
I am learning.
My time of recovery is every time faster. I was depressed yesterday and i worked on it and I am feeling so much better today. Soon, it will not trigger me at all
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Good morning everyone! Today is Monday, and it seems like I am new. I guess I most have a chemical problem since I am feeling good today. I felt I was going to die all Friday, Saturday and part of Dunday.
I am still at his house, he is being a little distant. But still gives me hugs when he sees me. I guess it is difficult to deal with an N. I have to get trenght and make a desicion for my own good or soak it up and do not complain anymore.
It is just that I am so lonely, that I do not want to be alone anymore.
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Taking on a serious life change (intentionally) is the accomplishment -
I wish I could do that.
It is so scary to go alone again. Although I was alone for 20 years and I survived OK, now have someone ofr 8 months and feel that I will die without him, tha perceptive value of what he is giving, is better than the pain he is causing. I guess.
My T told me that I think I deseve to be treated badly. I dont think that way, but if I allow it it is because I guess I do just dont know.
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Lupita
I read your posts with a heavy heart for you and me. I am "in love" with someone. I have not gone further with the relationship cuz of various factors BUT BUT BUT when I read what you wrote--I think I would end up in the SAME place with him.
He FEELS familiar.
That means--prolly-- that he IS my mother.
I feel awful tonight.
I am gonna take a bath and have a Guiness.
I will be back.
Ami
PS Prince Charles had it right when asked if he were in love with Princess Di. He said"Whatever love is"
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Hey... now that I have the whole story, I can relate to some of what you're going through and my response over on CB's thread is still the same. You probably can, but you need to convince yourself that you can - and that you're ready. You've already made an intentional choice to try to work on yourself within the context of this relationship, for the time being and learn what you can. I respect that very independent, grown up choice! Leaving only to not have to deal with the difficult parts would close the opportunity to learn. You're accepting that their is a cost to this choice, too. And you're trying to put together enough of the pieces to see the bigger picture. Bravo!
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Lupita, just sending you love...
It sounds to me as though you're learning a lot, and it's wonderful that you have a T for support and balance.
I know you will be okay.
And you have grabbed your life by the horns and you're going back to school!
FANTASTIC. Great job, you.
love,
Hops
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Lupe: Sounds like you're able to identify your feelings and causes within the relationship.
Sounds like most of it's pretty familiar stuff.
The saying goes "We are where we want to be."
When we want to be somewhere else, we go.
There's another saying "When the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving, then we leave."
You'll stay till you're ready to move on, and you'll be stronger and and more capable than you already are (((Lupe.)))
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Just like my mother. he tells me something he know I donotlike to hear. The, he accuses me of having a bad attitud. My mother was always herassing me and then he always blamed me for being in a bad mood. I did not understand it until now.
yesterday we went to a dance. Just before the dance he strated talking about a woman that chanses him all the time and how much he would like me to be her friend and that hse is a good friend of his. I told him that a good friend does not interfere in the love rleationship of a friend she or he appreciates. I got in a bad mood. then he got mad because I could not get eagerly smily and ebullient.
He did not talk to me all day today.
Just like my mother used to do until I left her for good and came three thousand miles away from her.
I guess I have to be extremely lonely to put up with this man.
I have to get courage and leave him. How can I survuve the dance floor on my own. I lost all my friends becuase of him. Everybody got jeallouse because I got a partner and they did not. Now many of those ladies do not talk to me. How can I dance again looking at him bragging with other women. I need to get courage. He casues me a lot of stress.
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This is part of and e-mail from CB. I am just copying only a part becuase the other part is very much private. Thank you CB for writing me.
"I believe that the first step in dealing with your relationship with this guy is not that you leave. I think you first need to decide if you WANT to leave. Do you? Its possible that you want to stay--it's uncomfortable and you aren't really happy, but maybe that's okay with you. Maybe you would rather live with someone and be unhappy than to live alone. That's not the choice that I would make, but many people do. Decide if you want to leave--we can figure out a way for you to do it."
I know I do not want to leave him. But he is drving me insane. But, since he has controlled a lot of the dancing problem we used to have, I do believe that I can educate him to not tell me ugly things before the dances. But to do that, I have to be detached. Which I am not. I over-react , I get all upset, turmoiling inside my brain.
It is just too much time consumming. That is why when I pass the GRE and enter a PhD, will not have time for his BS. I will need peace and calm to be able to work with mice in the lab and read tones of articles.
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It is just this feeling of abandonement that I always have and that never goes away. This feeling of loneliness.
This feeling of being unprotected, a guess it is a "victim" mode.
The feeling "nobody loves me, nobody cares for me, if I die nobody is going to cry" which it comes from the total detachement from my mother who never loved me and told me she wished I was dead.
if not for that, If I just had a noce mother I would not feel the way I feel.
But it did not happen. Now is the now and I have to be present in the now. Just very difficult.
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I understand those feelings, Lupita. I can tell you that they won't go away, no matter who you are with--unless you work through them yourself. No one in the whole world can give you enough to make you feel whole. And you are right, the reasons why you feel this way no longer matter. They did matter, very much, when you were in early recovery. It's important to know where you have come from and what you inherited. Its the first step in understanding that the things that were done to you WERE NOT YOU.
I do believe, Lupe, that you are at a later step. Now, you need to recognize that things being done to you NOW are not you. Everyone you meet and have interaction with have their OWN inner struggles and feeling of loneliness. They are dealing with those feelings in ways that were developed in them when they were very young--just as you have. They are not thinking to themselves: how is this making Lupita feel? They are thinking: how can I escape this feeling of unbearable loneliness? Some people are sociopaths and really enjoy hurting people. Most are simply consumed with their own pain and oblivious to anyone else's. Even when you explain it to them, they may not be able to hold onto your reality in the face of their own, if their own is unbearably painful.
I think a good first step in dealing with your boyfriend is the exactly the step you have taken. You don't want to leave. I think it would be good to sit with that reality for a bit. You dont really need help from anyone to leave, because you don't want to . What you want to do is stay where you are and for things to be different between you.
I think where you are going to hit the wall over and over again is to think that you need for him to change for things to be different. First of all, things will be different if EITHER of you change. And either of you changing could make the situation less painful. Second, the likelihood of him changing is close to 0%. There may have been a slight chance when you first started talking to him about the way you feel. But now the whole dynamic is one of competition and control. That has assumed primary significance and that means one of you is going to have to let go of that dynamic for it to change. I dont think it will be him. I think it will have to be you. If neither of you does, it will not change. Period.
If you want to let go, it will look like not talking to him about it. That is probably going to be very, very hard, because (in spite of the name of this board) none of us here are voiceless. We are powerless to change the other person in our relationships, but not voiceless. All of us have said plenty to the N's in our lives, and we are here now because it didnt matter one whit. And your relationship with your boyfriend is no different. If you keep talking to him about what is bothering you, after you have already made it clear a couple of times, you are only engaging in a power struggle. A struggle for power that you can get all by yourself. And this is true whether he is an N or not.
If you hold out to him the belief that you cannot survive unless he changes, you have handed him your power. If you have entertained in your own mind that you cant live without him, but that you will fail in grad school unless he changes, then you have handed him your power. If you think you cant dance unless he is your partner, then you have handed him your power. He cant take any of that from you, and he doesnt have to. You have given it to him.
So, the first thing you need to do is stop talking to him about it. This is very very hard, and I have had to struggle every day for 3 years, and my relationship doesnt have your struggles. But it has its own, and it never comes naturally. Or at least it doesnt yet.
Then you need to change what you say to yourself. You ARE going to succeed in grad school and if you need to change something in your current situation to do that, then you can do it. If you need to create space, a peaceful place to retreat to, then you must. Make your own apartment your study space, your retreat space. If you cant move out of his apartment, then create a second space that is just yours. Use it to succeed in your pursuit of graduate school. If you choose not to keep that space, understand that it is your choice and it may mean that you will not be able to reach your goals. It will not be his fault. It will be yours.
Those are hard words, Lupe, I know that. But crying with you and letting you continue to believe that there is any possibility of you "training" him to be what you need to succeed would be horrible, IMO.
Think about what I have proposed--sit with the feelings that come up as you read it. You will have to choose (you do choose--every thing that you do every day, you choose) what will work for you where you are right now. Just dont be afraid to step out into an uncomfortable place. Change is never comfortable.
CB
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I understand those feelings, Lupita. I can tell you that they won't go away, no matter who you are with.
No one in the whole world can gibe me what your mother did not. reasons why you feel this way no longer matter.
My question to my self is “why do I want to be with a man that causes me exactly the same pain that my mother caused me?
He provokes me just like my mother doing an saying things that he knows I do not like to hear. He blames me for the bad feelings he provokes in me in purpose.
I think a good first step in dealing with your boyfriend is the exactly the step you have taken. You don't want to leave. I think it would be good to sit with that reality for a bit. You dont really need help from anyone to leave, because you don't want to . What you want to do is stay where you are and for things to be different between you.
I think where you are going to hit the wall over and over again is to think that you need for him to change for things to be different. one of you is going to have to let go of that dynamic for it to change. I dont think it will be him. I think it will have to be you. If neither of you does, it will not change. Period
IT HAS TO BE ME.
If you want to let go, it will look like not talking to him about it. That is probably going to be very, very hard,
I KNOW THAT. IT IS HARD TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT.
So, the first thing you need to do is stop talking to him about it. This is very very hard, and I have had to struggle every day for 3 years, and my relationship doesnt have your struggles. But it has its own, and it never comes naturally. Or at least it doesnt yet.
SO, 1 NUMBER 1 STOP TALKING TO HIM
Then you need to change what you say to yourself. You ARE going to succeed in grad school and if you need to change something in your current situation to do that, then you can do it. If you need to create space, a peaceful place to retreat to, then you must. Make your own apartment your study space, your retreat space. space that is just yours. Use it to succeed in your pursuit of graduate school.
2 NUMBER 2 CHANGE WHAT I TALK TO MY SELF
Those are hard words, Lupe, I know that. But crying with you and letting you continue to believe that there is any possibility of you "training" him to be what you need to succeed would be horrible, IMO.
ONE OF THE THINGS I CAN TRY TODAY IS DANCE WITH OTHER PEOPLE WITHOUT LOOKING AT HIM. LET HIM HAVE FUN. LET HIM DANCE WITH ANYBODY HE WANTS.
NOT TO SAY ANYTHING AND DO MY BEST TO SHOW UNAFFECTED.
HE HAS TO SEE ME INDIFERENT. TOTALLY INDIFERENT TO HIS ATTACKS. AND THAT IS ONE OF MY RPOBLEMS THAT I SEE HIS STUPID BEHAVIOR AS ATTACKS. WITH ALL THE EDUCATION I HAVE AND THE BEHAVIORAL SCIENCE I HAVE STUDIED SO MUCH, I STILL DON’T GET THAT HIS BEHAVIOR IS NOT AGAINST “LUPITA” IT IS AGAINS ANY WOMAN THAT IS IN LOVE WITH HIM BECAUSE HE HATES HIS MOTHER AND NEVER IDENTIFIED WITH HIS FATHER.
I HAVE TO INTERNALIZE THAT.
BUT IF I SEE HIM AS A BEING APART FROM ME I WILL NOT LOVE HIM ANYMORE BECAUSE WE WILL NOT BE EQUAL. I DO NOT NEED ANOTHER SON, I WANT AN EQUAL. BUT I AM NOT BEING EQUAL BECAUSE I FEEL ATACKED. I WANT SOMEBODY BIGGER TO PROTECT ME AND TAKE CARE OF ME. I AM AN ADULT. I HAVE TO PROTECT MY SELF AND GIVING HIM THE POWER I AM DESTROYING MY SELF.
Please, tell me if I am seem to make any progress. I will tell you how I did tonight.
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Oh wow, Lupita...it sure sounds like progress to me!
(And CB, wow is inadequate.)
wowowowowowowowowowowowowow
Lup...you are Meryl Streep.
You are faking it until you make it.
And everything we do can be lightened if we tell ourselves, "I am practicing."
love to you,
Hops
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usually, when he asked me he wanted to dance with this or the other, I got in a bad mood ans asked him why do you want to dance with that shorter woman, fatter, and dacnes much less than me. He got mad and we had more problems.
Las night, when he said, Dont you think it is about time that I dance with somebody else? Can i dance with T? I said, go ahead. He hesitated a moment. Then I pushed him. he got up and asked her, and I got up and asked another gentleman. Fortunately for me, this gentleman was very nice, very experienced dacner and he was patient and caused me to have a great sensation.I even allowed him to get a little closer to me, for a moment we put cheek to cheek and it was great. I was afraid to let M see me having such a good time because he has stopped completelly the dancing close and smutching other women, so I do not want him to start again. He was very respectful to em when dancing with those ladies. He dance with four ladies. I went to the bathroom, put lipstick, I went to the other room and say hello to other people and he came a looked for me. He must have danced with ladies just one song instead of the set. Then he sadi how much fun he had.
Today, suring breakfast, he told me how well he danced last night. I said, you dance with beginners, i had the cohones to ask an experience dnacer to dance with me and I leraned a lot. he frowned and told me to keep reading the paper.
Lat nigth
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Last night he put me down several times. That is why I know it is not going to be possible to spend my life with this person. In the car going there, he told me that he felt the smell of my shaving cream. Not possible since I washed it so well andputt different creams and scents. I said, cannot be true, youa re just trying to make me feel bad. He shut up.
On the dance floor, he told me that I was not stretching my legs well, that I was not doing embellishment like the other ladies, and he constantly tols me to pay attention to not to look at other people. Then he pulles my hand several times in a string way, causing me a shock of adrenaline everytime. He said that I am the one that is extending the hand too much and it should be in 45 degrees. After several times, I cought him doing it and pulled his hand with not so much force like he did to me and then laught. I said "I cought you" it is you, not me. H eluahgt and never did it again.
I am learning to handle my responses to him and I am learning to handle my emotions, despite that I know I do not deserbe to be treated that way. But I know that I have my own problems and he puts up with my porblems too. I have a strong ADD and he puts up with my constant distractions. He puts up with my lack of concentration on conversations. I scrwe up in social stages and he helps me. So, I guess is not equal, because I work harder, and sacrifice more for our relationship and put up with more. But I have never encountered a man who does more than the woman. Anyway, ask me questions, I need to know if I am doing the right thing because I do not trust my perceptions.
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Thank you CB, Hopsy wopsy, Mo2, PR, and Ami for all your responses. Please, keep talking to me. This is a very important learning experinece ofr me and I need you so much.
Love you guys. Hope that one day I can talk to you face to face and see you in person.
I said
Chelsea Clinton Married last night.
He said
You don’t read the papers, you don’t know current events. I have read of that all week.
I said
You are putting me down. I just made a neutral comment.
Ha said
You are full of baloney.
He has ignored me all the rest of the day, he is mad at me. I took the paper from the table and put it away while he was reading and told him that he should talk to me during breakfast instead of reading. He said, what can I say, I said, do you have anything positive to say?
He shut up and has ignored me since then. For two hours. Just like my mother would do.
I said, you tell me ugly things and blame me for being in a bad mood and accuse me of having a bad attitude. Oh boy, he is mad at me.
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The main point was, no matter what...do not EVER look at them. This will drive them crazy and undermine their "performance
So with any tormeNtor, whose mechanism is the seeking of N supply, I'd simply withhold that.
the Cesar thing is like...in order to interact safely with an aggressive dog--you don't meditate on what the aggressive dog is thinking (his brain is busted). You just remember how YOU are supposed to behave, put out that vibe...and he can no longer intimidate you.
(Unless getting inside their minds is entertaining....but ewww, that means they're still dominating your life.)
That is why when I left the dancing room and went to the other room, he stopped dancing and came to look for me. I guess. he thougth I would sit and watch him dance like I used to. :twisted: :mrgreen:
What a wonderful idea I have gotten from Hops in one of her posts. Hmmmm. I will be aware of that in teh future. :twisted: :mrgreen:
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I am so glad to be back, Girlfriends ,cuz I am a daughter of an N who is in love---head spinning icon like Linda Blair in Exorcist.
Ami
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(((Lupita)))
Nothing to add, just sending a hug.
Mo2
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Honestly, Lupita
I can't believe he turned in to an N.
You got the face lift, looked beautiful, found a great guy, doing activities and then WHAM---N comes flying out of the closet door.
I am astounded and looking at my own life.
I have really strong feelings for someone. Is it instant replay waiting to happen??????????? :?
Ami
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Ami, they have antenas looking for victimd, not anybody fit the oattern that they like to abuse, but unfortunately we are the perfect material alawasy looking for someon to protect us of for someona to give as a little bit of love because even if they give the food of the dog, metaphorically speaking, you come back because you habe nothing else. We attract them with are victim mode.
I am getting a new lfting tomorrow, Pray foir me. My son offered to take care of me but it was too alte I was desperate and acceoted M to take care of me after he had threw me out of his house. He said, get out of my life so I can have a normal life. I was nagging him all day because the day before he was very nasty with me, I introduced a freind to hin and he totally ignored her , Then he did not hold my hand at all, then he dance with another woman instead of me, un tup he was flirting witha nother woman who was in my back and I did not dare to look back and see who she was,
Next day I was so mad that I was nagging him all day about that and tellinh him how nasty he was and how offle he look that at 66 years old he bevaves like a highschool kid, He git mad and told me to leave him so hec oudl had a normal likfe.
If I just coud have visit one of you I would habe sved my self, but I do not have anybody to see, so I called the surgeon ahd he agree, and took a bank loan, and at those moments he came to my house to ask me to go back to his house, I said I was going to have surgery and hesaid I will take care of you.
Here we are at his house again after I had to put all my nelonmgiongd in my car in 10 minutes, including myu piano. But now i have ony a change of close, no big things,
My therapist indidt thsat he liked to torment me and he enjoyd outting me dow,
Example, I said something nice todfa, I said I remember when we fiorst starting dating and asked you to go to a night club and you said no, i was sadbecause we had to spend a lonely night in your housde, Now after eight months I aodre and welkomc the quiet cozy warm night at yourt home,
He barked:
I am training you correctly. I sadi, that is not nice, I am telling you something nice.
Well he is doing thid negative things all day lonh and put mwe in a bad mood allday. <y T said that I am depressed becasue he is recreating the same patterm I had with my mother, I have to leave him. H edoes not love me,. I dont think so.
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Oh dear, Lupita.
I'm sending prayers that you get through this operation without complications....... just heal and smile and agree wtih everything M says.
Don't
make
him
mad
whatever
you
do.
When you're feeling better, perhaps you'll have more insights about your relationship wtih M.
Heal, Lupe. Try not to worry.
Mo2
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Why do you need another lift, Lupita??
I think my guy and I are waning. After I hear you talk, I feel better lol.
Goodness, I am a N magnet, too.
I mean--Lord--I have been through enough grief for 10 lifetimes as YOU have.
Maybe, I should thank God my guy and I are seeming to go separate ways.
I am SOOOOO attracted to him
You KNOW what that means??? N
Ami
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How'ya doing, Lupe?
You OK?
Mo2
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He told one of his friends that he was scared of me. That I am so paranoid that it is scary. He is driving me insane. I have to get out of here. I cannot deal with this man any longer.
God, help me.
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Hey, Lupita,
yes, you do need to get out of there. Nothing is making sense for you right now and you need some distance. Do you still have your apartment? Make a plan and then go ahead and leave. Once you have some space, you can think about everything and sort it out. Dont try to sort it out now, and dont try to talk to him about it.
First, leave, then think.
Love
CB
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I called my son's fiance and she picked me up. I am in my son's house now but they will take me to my apartment this afternoon. He called me ungrateful when he saw I was leaving.
I sent him an e mail of "I need to be independent, but I love you, hope you visit me soon"
I did not know what else to say. I am scared of him.
I dont think we can go back again. He will not forgive me. He is extremely selfish and revancheful.
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It is so difficult. Now I am at my house. I know that if I was with him, he would be making fun of me and putting me down in one way or another. Still, I feel so lonely, so lonely.
I know I have many things to do.
Study for GRE, visit my son, prepare for school, play the piano, etc.
Still, it feels so lonely!!!! So lonely!!!
I am reading the article of the Ts posted by Dr. G. I feel so much like that woman. She said, nobody wanted to take me home. i feel that way. The only person who wanted me made fun of me, treated me like sh*t and made me feel bad almost all the time.
Nobody wanted me ever, and I was never welcome into this world.
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Lupita, I am just beginning to do some reading on the critical voice that goes on in our heads all the time--the one tells us that we are stupid, or that we are unwanted or that only somebody mean wants us. I havent read much yet, but I think its important to understand that voice and learn to talk back to it.
That voice isnt even you...that voice is telling you lies and calling you names and none of it is true. It feels true, because it uses the word "I", like it knows something about you. It's just a voice and not even yours.
I dont know anything else, I cant really help you turn the voice off. But I can tell you what little I know, and what I know is that voice that is telling you that you arent wanted in the world is lying.
CB
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Hi Lup,
You sure are welcome in this world.
Lup,
With your parents I don't think they were capable of giving a child what they need to grow and be loved (welcomed) nurtured as any child should be. Ofcourse it is lonely when you don't feel wanted...just there....like they are a gift to you. You were a gift to them. They were blessed with a child. Not everyone can have children and would do anything to have had the chance to have a child as you were.
The put downs, the games your b/f plays with you, comes from some deep f'd up thing going on inside himself. Please do not take it personal (he can't give you or in that case anyone) what a person should have. It puts you in a lonely state (feelings of being un-wanted) especially if you leave.
We know Lup we can beat our brains out trying to make sense, use logic, feelings, clearly saying, You are hurting our feelings...........which kind of makes you feel more lonely (when they don't hear you).
That is the lonely Lup..........
Where your at, what you are feeling, may feel lonely BUT I think your grieving for what you once Thought you had. Now you see the real him and that is what made you feel lonely.
If you are feeling bad then you sure should feel bad for yourself. He treated you (not so nice) and is breaking your heart.
Your heart will heal.
I read a dancing, laughing, full of life Lup....and now...a down part of life. The part that we wish to never cross over (it could be anything) but there is ups and downs. Just a down time.
If you want to sit and do nothing or cry you go for it. You should. You have been hurt. Your wounded.
No Lup.....lonely would to stay with him........never be heard......
Your grieving as you should be. Your sad.
You will heal from this. We will see a laughing, musical, teaching, dancing Lup again.
I have been reading you Lup and I have read loneliness with this man but now I think I reading closure.....and closure does feel very lonely but there is an ending and healing.
To stay with him would be livng a lonely life.
And you wrote......you know if you were with him he would be putting you down in one way or another.....and guess what?
Your not with him. You said No.
Either way your going to feel lonely. Closure (good bye) or with him.
You will heal in time with good bye loneliness will pass for him......but if you stay......Will It?
Which do you want?
You are most certanily welcome in this world .......just ask your son.
snd the board......
Do not judge yourself and feeling welcome (by people who don't know how to act, feel, parent, treat others as humans with needs, and love) and why? Because they just can't.
Love
Deb
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CB, what have you been reading. I want to read it too. Thank you.
Thank you Mo2 for your concerns.
Ami, I dont understand what you mean.
Deb, I understand, I felt lonely with him too. But now I feel more lonely. I felt sad with him too. Now I feel sadder.
But I am aware that his problems will keep me under water all the time.
And literally speaking, one day we were playing in the pool, and he put me under water, I yelled like crazy, he got mad, he asked me who did to me before, I said, my father, he said, we are just having fun. I laught. I said, pleas dont do it again, he did it two more times and never again. I thought that he was understaning little by little, he even stopped the cheek to cheek daning. But i guess it was an illusion.
I dont want to go back there, but Ihave to keep my self of not going. How can I talk my slef?
CB where are you reading that?
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Lupe:
The biggest growth comes from sitting with that lonliness, and just getting through it.
If you can avoid repeating destructive choices, you're doing great, IME, and that's something to celebrate.
Heck, look forward to making NEW mistakes.
The work your doing with replacing negative thoughts is a very positive mindful choice.
Growth's hallmark is pain and discomfort, unfortunately.
Your're doing fine (((Lupe))).
Mo2
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What I meant was that IF I am really, really attracted to someone ,maybe I should just run and skip the relationship altogether 8).
Ami
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I cannot believe that he did not care about me at all. Why would he wake me up from my surgery, just like my mother did? He wook me up seven times when I was in pain and needed to sleep?
Who am I going to do complicated movements of tango that I did with him? Nobody dances like he does!!!!
I am so depressed!
With somany women, he will find another immediately.
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CB, I did not know that you ex husband tried to put you in jail. I had that fear with M. That he always wants to make me look bad. One day, he was working with the wave runner, he ended up with some breuces, and he asked me:
how did you do this to me?
I said:
Is there any other way you want to make me look bad? Do you want to destroy my life?
To hear that your husband tried to put you in jail, it is terrifying!!!
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He woke you up after surgery? 7 times?
That's disturbing, Lupe. No denying it.
What's even more disturbing is thinking about him having access to your personal papers..... bank account, Social Security number, phone books, medications, etc, while you slept: /
I know having a good dance partner is important to you..... it would be a great loss if you can't dance with him any longer.
I wish there was some way you could just dance with him without having to date him.
Of course, he'd be all over you if you wanted to just dance and move past dating........ very difficult to say NO to a mean person when they're behaving nicely.
I understand, and have one comment: When the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving, you'll move on.
Sorry it hurts so much, ((Lupe)).
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Dear, very much wanted Lupita:
you talk to yourself, the same way you'd give support to someone here on the board... or your son, if he asked for help... you tell yourself the comforting things you need to hear to calm the loneliness - and give yourself the encouragement to go out and be with other people and enjoy them as best you can right now. You put your energy to work on the things that are starting to pile up, that you are doing for yourself and that you need to do to be ready for the school year. Doing nothing isn't the always the best choice - sometimes we need distractions to put us back into rhythm with our own lives. That's OK, just the same as choosing to sit with the sad feelings... if that helps.
If you came to you, as if to a best friend or wise parent... what would you tell you? Write yourself little notes with your best warm compassionate advice to yourself. Read them, whenever you need to. There are lots of dancing partners; I remember you saying that one of the best dancers asked you to dance with him... and you enjoyed learning the different nuances of dancing with him... and that you thought he was a better dancer than M.
It will be OK. Really.