Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on August 10, 2010, 11:00:47 PM
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Not really an update but I want to say I'm sorry I haven't been participating much.
So many things have come to a head or are reforming, collapsing, changing...it's hard to write about it.
My daughter is leaving within the week, in what I feel are pretty dangerous circumstances. Enough money for just a month or two, no support group there whatsoever, estrangement between us, no job to go to, just going to find a very cheap fleapit studio in Miami Dade somewhere in the very high-mileage car she bought, boxes of food in the back, two cats...
She has no security at all. Either financial or professional or emotional. And we're at such a painfully distant place that I can't help her even though I'm yearning to.
So it's a very hard leavetaking. She's terrified and angry and I can't bridge the gap. I really can't, I just have to let her go and deal with the fear and grief. The last 10 months were a nightmare for her, and not so good for me either.
On another subject I've given up the idea of keeping my home...not going to buy my brother out. I just can't afford it. So I'm dealing with that impending loss/change. But I do have friends, a church, a job. I have everything, compared to how she is right now.
I just wanted to say what's happening and apologize for not offering much energy to anyone else here right now...I promise I will again once things settle down a bit.
Meanwhile, love to all of you...
Hops
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Dear Hops,
So good to hear from you. Sorry things are hard for you right now. Sometimes everything happens at once and it is good to reach out to old friends here for support.
My heart goes out to you.
Sea storm
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Hopsy dear,
Things I have learned about change:
It never turns out as bad as you fear it might...
and even when it's not everything you hoped it would be - it's always close enough to it, to still be a good thing.
Take care of your heart and "home" will take care of itself. I'm mentally wrapping my arms around you in a giant bear hug... to hold you up when you're too tired to stand, hold you together when you fall apart inside, to infuse you with what you NEED and didn't know you had in you... to carry on.
Blessings...
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Dear Hops,
My heart goes out to you as well. I will pray for you and your daughter. Maybe things will work out for the best? Maybe she'll find what she needs and you will find a nice little place to start over (some place where you won't have to deal with your jerk brother!).
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Take care of you.
Sela
PS:
Maybe you could write a little note and tuck it in some where where your daughter will find it? Let her know how much you want to find common ground with her? Whatever feels right?
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I love that idea, Sela.
Thank you.
Maybe I'll put a note in her python tank.
xo
Hops
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Hey Hops,
You and your D will find your way. I know as a mother I would be feeling the same way you are. I have. I do.
They find thier way Hops. Sounds like she is growing up. Sounds like you are growing up.
We don't stop growing. Our children are starting out....scared....trying to hold on...letting go.....making changes....some choice....some no choice........everything you have written......everything I am doing....everything my kids are doing......only we are just at different ages.
You may think that they don't worry but they do. And it annoy's them.
I never realized this until one day my S said....I worry about you. You worry about me? Are you sorry you were a stay at home M? Not one bit am I sorry.
What are you going to do now? You are 53 and you have to start over. And I realized..............WOW.....we both are scared entering a new world, what do we want to be, where do we want to live, now
that we are Growing Up and me Growing up Again~!
and I think that sometimes pisses them off as much as it pisses us off....the worry....the mistakes, the things should have, shouldn't have, wanting things, getting things, giving up things, holding on, letting go.............just at two different ages.................
But fear is there .....should I shouldn't I.........I'm going for it ..angry, scared, same things they are ........only I do think they get (guilt) for wanting to be just them and go ....
I was a single parent hops and my S is seeing a middle aged (well over) who at some point kicked some ass, knew where she wanted to be and got there, to errrr...what to do now and tired with some fear of.....new beginnings.
Your gap I believe is being bridged. Your both crossing over.....fearless......scared but fearless..........you both going (seperate) which will unite you.........for you are not that much different.....just different ages.............Gowing up again.
You want her to find her way. She wants you to find yours. We really are all trying to find what place we want to be in....just at different ages.
She knows she can always come home (you know she knows it). She is going to do this. She will find her way. Give her high fives, know she will get a job, give her kudos, you know she'sll make it.....Be proud of her being so fearless.
Now for you dear (fearless) herself................You are going to do this. You will find your way, your home, always had your heart, just a new lovely place to rest it in, and your making it..........kudos, high fives!!!!!!!!!
So my hats off.......to M and D....and thier new scary beginnings..but really fearless and some where you unite with out even knowing it....with new beginnings...another sate of life........entering, middle, and ending .......and each thinking......same things about each other........
At some point..we do the......They should be settled......They should be settled..........and we both have our feelings about that.....which is not all that different....to the point where we both do the......I have to let this go......
And we're at such a painfully distant place that I can't help her even though I'm yearning to.
And we're at such a painfully distant place that I can't help her even though I'm yearning to.
I did that twice by mistake Hops but then I looked and thought it is very appropriate because I do think....that children may feel the same as we do...but they can't help themselves never mind help us. Being young (thinking back) it really bothered the hell out of me that I couldn't help my parents (didn't have the means) and they didn't need it but it bothered me to need the help and not be able to just give back .....until...........I walked the same walk as your D.
Angry, scared, and moved ........not knowing how I'd do it......do it with less, or even without TV, And I DID IT. Be proud of her even though your scared for her.
And you know Hops. I am sorry that you have to give up your home now but I'm not scared for you. I believe in you. I'm proud of you. I know your'll do it.
I know things will fall into place for you.....as they will for you D.
As for me.....I'm working on it.....scared, fearless, and going where I'm not sure I'm going.....but I'll get there. Growing up again....geesh.
Love to you Hoppy.
Deb
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Hi Hops,
I can't add much to what the others have said. But I can send hugs and I promise I'll pray for your daughter as she travels and for you as you transition on so many things all at once. You're one terrific lady.
Oh Hops, the title of your thread, Home and Heart - says so much. I have a deep sense of how you're feeling about your own transition, but your daughters too.
tt
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Oh (((Hops.)))
You and your daughter have been on my mind.
I hope/believe releasing the big house, in order to make your own little Hops refuge, will lead to more serenity.
As sad as letting the home go, I know it's eclipsed by your daughter's move.
I'm sending prayers of safety and growth for your daughter......
Care and healing for you, ((my friend.))
Mo2
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Hi Hops
I, too, am thinking of you.
I believe that, at 30, your D must be on her own. She will do fine! She will have to, and will find a way. Just keep that thought only--she will do fine. She is a grown-up--then go about looking after you.
She will do fine!
Then the house--well that will be a big change for you and keep your mind busy except for--
She will do fine!
and one day you will believe it! and one day you will see it! and you both will be better off for this 'separation' to get things on track.
She will do fine!
then when you are next togther, all of the past is in the past, and a new relationship will be there.
She will do fine!
Much Love
Izzy
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Dear Hopsy wopsy,
Fpr those who do the best they can, with what they have from where they are, thier ship will find them.
And I know that you are doing the best you can.
About the kids, I have learned by experience thatw e do not learn bye the experience of others. We have to trip on evry single rock on the road to be able to learn. Your D will eventually learn like we are learning. There is nothing we can do but pray for them.
God bless you so much!
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Dear Hops,
My heart is heavy reading your post. I am sorry this has been such a difficult year and I so wish your daughter would have a change of heart. When I put myself in your shoes I feel such a weight and heaviness.
I am thankful that you are able to see all the love and support that exists in your life and I do hope that that will help lift the weight of your burdens.
Thnking of you - GS
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Thank you all so much for all this kindness, what an amazingly loving outwelling of support.
Your thoughtfulness and caring--and perspicacity!--has really helped hold me up through the last few days.
Bless every one of you.
Sea storm--thanks for being one who floated love right back to me when I reached out for it. Thank you, it really helped. I'll keep on reminding myself that more love-surf keeps rolling into my life.
PR--thank you for these perfect words: Take care of your heart and "home" will take care of itself.
The well-timed bear hug was spot on, too!
Sela--I poured my feelings into preparing her food box. Little treats in little bags, fresh cut vegs, fancy granola, cheese sandwiches with her favorite mustard and bread I baked last night, curried cashews, cans of V8, kombucha tea, fruit cups, cocoa-goji energy squares, and a bag of catnip for the kitties! And the notes--your thought reminded me that she absolutely craves real-mail, as in handwritten letters in the mailbox. So I'm going to write her weekly for a while. I know that will matter to her (as long as I keep things emotionally neutral, my homework).
TT-- agnostic or not, I really have seen over and over that I trust that praying for people does help them. I don't know why, but I am really grateful you would offer it. Please do. Thank you very much, good heart.
Deb, thank you--I love the idea of us both growing up again. That's true. We're certainly not either of us without fear...both of us trend toward anxiety and she's at the age where panic attacks are striking--it's also true that she's feeling the fear and doing it anyway. As am I. I loved it that you kept saying "fearless" anyway. I told her the other night I think she is brave. (As to her being able to come home again--I would honestly not say that now, not until/unless she grows kinder. But in my heart, she always has a home, for sure.)
CB--you are a voice of reason and an image of inspiration at the same time. Thank you for always reminding me I can create joy in any home I choose to. Seriously. Your vision, your sense of hearth, always eases my heart (and it's contagious!). I will let myself grieve over losing this house because I should let the feelings be what they are, but thanks to you, I will also have faith there can be much happiness in another. and I know it will come out all right. A place is just a place, until we put our hearts there. Faith is what you remind me about. Thank you.
M02--Refuge is the right word and little is a NICE one. Thank you. I send you the same....refuge, comfort, safety. You deserve refuge too and I hope it manifests soon and solidly. Keep me posted, please.
Izzy hon--What a fine and helpful mantra: She will do fine. And thank you too for the reminder that when we are next together, there will be a new relationship then. I agree. I don't think we'll just keep recycling one bad year. Neither of us could want that. Regardless, I'm going to practice boundaries and calm to help that cycle end.
Lupita, thank you. You're right, we really are all doing the best we can. Worrying and panicking really doesn't do anything but wear out my adrenals! I need to remember that.
GS--Yes, all this love and support is making an enormous difference. Yours, too, and thank you for it. It's definitely time for me to get back into my favorite state of mind, or at least the one that most reliably holds me up or helps me get BACK up. Gratitude. No matter how simple, a small moment can bloom in the heart and help me see love and beauty, free for the seeing. Much love and beauty back to you, wise fighter.
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She left this morning (well, I had to head for work while she was still loading). My friend came over early to help us carry down Ye Olde Python Tanke. From which poor ole snake was looking out as if to say, a new view? Okay! Been bored! I fixed up the cat carriers with padded newspapers covered with towels and put a little quilt square like a "pillow" in each one. It'll be a long hard yowling two days for D while she's driving, but they'll make it.
She flew down last weekend, truly panicking the night before over whether she could find a place, and promptly found one. A bit of a dump, but she can walk to the beach, she was relieved that they took her bad credit and all (she does have good rental references) -- and it appears that it will all come together. Now, she just has to find a job in 8 weeks before her money runs out! But...that's part of the adventure.
She was prickly and edgy as ever this morning, but as I left, she called me back and asked for a hug.
Please do pray for her as she travels.
Thanks again everyone, from full heart...
love,
Hops
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Thinking of you Hops. (I'm glad for that hug she called you back for.)
And I will be praying for her as she travels.
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Keeping you both in my prayers, Hops.
You are truly such a good and loving mother. Please remind yourself of that.
Sela
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Hi all, sorry I'm still being pretty useless here.
I'm going through the last rounds of "negotiation" with my brother on personal property. I've given up nearly everything and he's debating individual pieces. I gave up my grandmother's tea set -- kind of set me off. Now he's likely coming in 1 week with a truck. Last straw was his lawyer saying he wants to bring his new DIL also, to "see the house that's meant so much to the family." What family? The one he's destroyed?
My last communication from my D, other than one about a PO box, was her writing: "Frankly, the less I see or hear from you the better."
I take that as instructions from the universe and have no desire to contact her.
Been crying pretty often. A lot is about losing my home (and family and daughter) in the same couple years.
But it will end soon and I do believe that next chapter will come. I mostly have perspective, it's just wobbly at times.
Sending love and good thoughts to each of you in your journeys too--there are tough times and tough transitions far more acute than mine. I'm reading and caring.
love
Hops
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I've given up nearly everything and he's debating individual pieces. I gave up my grandmother's tea set -- kind of set me off. Now he's likely coming in 1 week with a truck. Last straw was his lawyer saying he wants to bring his new DIL also, to "see the house that's meant so much to the family." What family? The one he's destroyed?
love
Hops
Oh (((Hops))) it's so unfair, and even if you gave everything, he'd likely have more demands.
I hope you negotiate barring him from entering your home.
It would be appropriate to have his property waiting in the drive when he arrives with the truck, IMO.
Been crying pretty often. A lot is about losing my home (and family and daughter) in the same couple years.
But it will end soon and I do believe that next chapter will come.
love
Hops
It will end, Hops.
Soon.
I can't wait to read what your next chapters brings, and am praying that your attorney advocates for and protects you during this tough time.
Mo2
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Brave, brave Hops. Those tears are a sign of how strong you really are.
Trusting the universe will bring unanticipated, undreamed of joys to you; I'm sure of it.
And I know for a fact - you ain't useless! Here, or in 3-D.
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Thanks, M02--it actually does occur to me that I could minimize the intrusion by hiring some neighbor boys to meet me at the crack of dawn and bring a lot of the stuff out to sit on a tarp in the yard. As long as I leave by 8:30 am, I won't have to encounter him. That's a good idea.
He can't be barred from entering the building though, practially, because there is so much to pick up--and he has to actually pack the china and silver, etc. I'm not packing it for him. But it is a satisfying fantasy to have it all locked up and all his stuff at the curb. My laywer would have a fit if I tried that though. It's been pulling teeth to get this close to an agreement, so I need to keep perspective and remember it'll soon be over with and I'll never have to see him again.
Meanwhile, there will be 2 strong (and large) male friends from my church there the whole time, to keep an eye on things. As a visible reminder that he's not to enter my private spaces (nor start rolling up rugs, for example). There will be a list of what he takes, and that is that.
PR--thank you dear. It is all true. I will be okay and there will be happiness again. I know it. (My D wrote me a civil email about a PO box. We won't be doing any emotional connecting for a while, and that's fine with me. I need the space from her as much as she needs it from me. But any civil message is a bright spot.)
love,
Hops
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Oh, Hops. I know this is all so painful. To the core.
I am so sorry. I do believe your daughter will see what she has done in time and she will feel terrible. Your brother--probably not.
I just wish the smoothest transition through this time. You are on the verge of a brand new awakening and the only way to get there is to go with no luggage. Oh the treasures you will find!
Love you Hops
CB
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Hi everybody,
I wanted to post an update here because Amber so lovingly offered her thread about caregiving and the ultimate loss of her sweet MIL as, for me. Well, hell, PR deserves her own thread for that... (thanks, PR...you are a friend one would wish to be Amber...a forever person, you.)
Home: So much has happened. Finally achieved a signed agreement with my brother and he decided NOT to come to town. His stuff will be shipped to him (at the cost of its value). So he can sit in a storage unit somewhere poring over his obsessions. This is a great relief, that he won't be here. And, the house is now on the market. Slow time, could take a long while, but I set the price pretty low compared to comps. The location is wonderful for this town, truly prime. So possibly it will go sooner. No idea, so limbo continues.
I've been VERY lucky in that another person has appeared to rent the wing, just as the grad student was leaving. My new housemate is the "ex" of another person at my church, and she just needs a peaceful place to get over her breakup (and she has Lyme disease). A sanctuary for herself and her wee doggie (I am so grateful--the dog-sized hole in my heart will have a little pooch to greet!). She's not bringing a ton of stuff and is very tidy. She's also okay with it being month-to-month, understands it'll be sold and is willing to cope with the unknown future date. So the financial stream from that wasn't broken for even a month, a great relief. The wing is cozy and peaceful and I'm glad she'll be here, even though our paths won't cross a lot.
I have started to daydream about where to go or what I might buy--two imaginary candidates right now: a wee condo near a friend, and a small house that needs a lot of cosmetic work but has a great layout. It needs some massive backyard remediation and tree work, all of which means it's much cheaper than other houses in its location--which is near downtown, 2 blocks from my childhood home, and really an excellent spot. Either of those alternatives could work out fine. And enjoying thinking about both of them has helped me understand that even if it's neither...I will find a new home.
One of my concerns is that it's hard to maintain health under so much long-term stress--my job is really a grind, and I haven't been feeling too well. And of course moving is/will be a huge stress. But it could be in 2 months or 2 years, so I need to continually work on being at peace with the unknown. I feel overwhelmed by "stuff" and paperwork, but found a woman at church who'll work with me once a month to ensure it stays on track (budgeting and the math of it all--her help is going to change my life!).
My D? I feel the relief of not feeling her anger in my life every day, the relief of a peaceful house. But her circumstances are very bleak --even frightening-- and I grieve daily. We don't talk often, there's a kind of detente. Her 30th birthday is next week. I fear for her state of mind, sitting in her bleak apartment that has things scurrying in the walls, three men next door making racket all night (walls so thin she can hear what they say) with people coming and going, an empty apartment on the other side, broken windows in the buildings around, having to park blocks away, feeling unsafe. I have sent her contact info for the one old acquaintance I have there, a lawyer, in case she'd be willing to ask him for advice on how to get out of her lease. It is not safe, she should not stay. But if she can't escape it, she sounded committed to enduring it until the end of the time. I don't know how she'll pay the rent after this semester, or if she has work, or how she's functioning. Or how she'd even afford a UHaul if she did find a way to go somewhere else. She's horrified at the stress and I don't blame her. As of her last call a few weeks ago, she was sleeping all day, huddled awake in tension all night. Doesn't even want to unpack, watching the bugs on the filthy walls. I don't know if she's functioning at school. She said she hasn't been going often. I think she's not coping, or barely.
While I wait for news, I leave her occasional voicemails, short ones. And I grieve, because I need to. I am waiting and releasing the outcome, and letting it go...what will be will be, she is groping for her inner strength and I believe does have a counselor (she mentioned a weekly appointment). I pray about her a lot. I sent her a care package and small check. But even as dire as it is, I no longer imagine sending her more. I know I can't rescue her again, and she is trying to rescue herself. Pushing off from the bottom.
I fear for her, but I need to release my fear, too.
I told a friend that when D was a little girl, I would be so full of joy and look at her and think, "She is evidence of the god of getting one thing right." Now I think, "She is evidence of the god of getting everything wrong." (Not meaning that she is wrong, or her being is wrong, not at all---just this deep shock and sadness that I did it wrong...) I know that's hyperbole, but that is how painful it is. Even if I am not to blame, it's hard not to feel a failure. Even if I am not a failure as a mother, "it" is, for now, a failure. (Our relationship.)
But but but.
I need to live my life. I cannot think about her all the time any more. I just can't, and it's not helpful to either of us. So I am actually thinking about her less. It seems right, though very very strange.
love,
Hops
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Hops,
What a relief not having to interact in person with your brother. Also wonderful you found a tenant. Good to hear you're detaching from D, it sounds painful, but positive. Hope you feel better.
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OK Hops this is just toooo much. You do not deserve this at any level. Your brother..... I just wish I could be there with you when he comes with his daughter in law who can't possibly know what she will be stepping into.
I am sending you white light and praying for you. I have a disordered brother too. He does not have either the listening gene or the empathy gene. Any interactions leave me drained of nearly every drop of blood in my body and deeply shaken. This will not change, short of divine intervention.
I think Lupita is right. She is going to have to trip on her way to maturity in order to realize the significance of having a mother.
Please trust that you are deserving of something wonderful coming your way. There have been times in the last few years when you have been the only person who could reach me, make sense and guide me threw hell. I can never thank you enough. Your gift for helping wounded birds is unsurpassed. You have provided shelter and compassion so many times and have grown to be someone I trust.
I know that bad things can happen to very good people. Life is stripping away your home, traditions, role as mother and sister. This is a lot to bear. Please feel free to cry.scream, complain and generally reach out for help. If you want to email me directly that is totally ok.
All the best,
Sea storm
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((((Hops))))
It's going to be OK.
Lighter
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thanks Ann--it is better, you're right. Sometimes I fail to pull back and see that in many pieces of it all, it really is better.
M02, you are right, it really is. Acceptance and releasing the outcome. Working on it all the time.
Seastorm, bless you for your heartfelt thoughts--the relief about my brother is actually, he is NOT going to be here at all. Whew! Knowing I've helped you in any way...thank you for that too. Huge heartlift.
EVERYBODY--good news! Well sort of insane, but you'll get it.
Got a call from my D and last Thursday she answered banging on her door and it was 4 cops with guns drawn. Wrong door. They went to the apartment next door where the scary men are and arrested all three of them for armed robbery. So they're gone. And that very afternoon, she had gone to the rental office, given them what-for (filth, danger, etc.)...and got out of the lease!
I feel relief to my toebones, as does she. She is exhausted and still very very precarious in many ways...but today she is going to look at a place in a building where a friend lives (thank god, she knows someone) and it's right on a bus line that goes to her campus. In Miami, public transportation is terrible, so having such an old car ... that's an important piece. Don't know if she'll take it, yet--but I think this experience has sobered her and she IS trying to survive and move forward. I can't imagine what this last few months took out of her. But I am so so so relieved that she can escape that place now.
I am going to continue to just leave one calm weekly voicemail, short and loving. And just abide with that.
I have no idea about income or how she'll manage, but she is at least trying to save herself.
Next to that worry, having a for-sale sign in my hard is No Big Deal At All!!!!
love,
Hops
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:oops:
oh Hops, you saw right through me! But I was/am a.) worried about you and b.) I needed to hear from you and hoped you'd share your motherly wisdom with me about MIL.
Daughters are both a blessing and curse. They are never as frail and helpless or vulnerable as we're afraid they are (or they complain that they are). And sometimes, they really need to experience things that we would never, ever wish for them and try so hard to protect them from - to find out what they're really made of, for themselves. For your D, and maybe mine too - they need to know they can rescue themselves and actually do this. And I've found that my role is simply to praise my D when she does this; let her know I'm proud of her - and make sure she realizes that she did it all by herself. Sometimes, my D doesn't acknowledge her own strengths. She still needs me to tell her - Look! You did it! Hooray! Telling her, speeds up her momentum, sharpens her judgement and motivation, to actively start making the changes she wants for herself... without me trying to design it for her.
Gotta run, but I'll try to jump back on later this weekend.
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Look, Hops...
I don't think you're a failure at all as a mom; nor is the relationship between you two failed. It does feel that way, though, when the relationship begins to change - morph - from parent-child... to something else. I'm not sure what to call that something else - it needs a word, for sure. But, as the kid begins to separate from the parent there is a rending on both sides - heartrending - as the kid begins to claim all their own attributes of themselves as their own "self". (Nevermind that you're not getting credit for helping them develop some of those attributes!) That time period in the relationship isn't predictable as to age range in the child or duration or process.
Having 2 Ds... I do know that the process is way different with each one. But this "morph" period is not the end of the relationship, any more than the first day of school was. We mourn the change all the same, and there may long silences and absences... and I admit I miss my D a lot... but she's young, has a nice interesting gennulman friend who's a "maker" too... and her own struggles (inner/outer) to get through on her own, to build her own confidence in herself. Much as I miss her I don't want to interrupt her flight path... especially since it took me so long to convince her she could fly, even after she chose to "leave the nest"! LOL... every so often, she'll ask for a another refresher you know? Like a vaccination update...
I went through a lot of worry and scared myself to death with my Ds descriptions of where she was living and the people she was encountering. Similar to your Ds situation that you described. H - my D - had to practically take a 2x4 to get me to realize that this is "real life" for lots and lots and lots of people. Sort of a mad-max, post-apocalyptic, arbitrary/random, lawless and very dangerous universe - but it wasn't without elements of "community". She found protective friends; she learned the "rules" there; she made a place for herself where she fits in and belongs and is doing what she can to make it a better place. After a lot of false starts; dead-ends; shattered hopes & expectations she is starting to get some traction. (In some ways, that's also an accurate description of my life at that age...)
It's not at all the plan we nurture for our kids. It seems that something, somewhere is broken when bright, motivated, and hard-working young folk can't make a life (according to the traditional middle-class definitions) because of the disparity in wages and the cost of living & housing. The recession hasn't adjusted any of that back to a balance, at the level our Ds live on. And it's tough for this mom to swallow that it's come to this. It feels like the whole country has failed, some days. That it's all coming apart. And then, I'll hear my D or one of her friends doing something that's so wonderful it's like a candle shining in window. I think the kids WERE listening to mom... but it's gonna take a while to clean up the mess. Maybe we need a third political party just for moms & grandmas... and a real voice about the things that matter to us. I don't know how many times I've felt the 2 party system (or middle east disputes) were all just like 2 little kids fighting over whose turn it was. The world needs more moms right now - and we need to be active moms - and settle the disputes and pointless arguments and get back to the business of "having a life".
I'll make the aprons and put up the website, if you'll write the blog for the website!
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hi hops,
Would it help if I repeat myself to you?
My D swallowed a bottle of aspirin when she was 12, and I found out from the Dr. We had a talk and she said it was me, my disabilty. Where did that leave me, always being disabled?
In her teens at Bible Camp she was almost killed when the other kids put her in an inner tube and shoved it down the hill. The hill ended at a cliff--long drop to death, when she rolled out of the tube then tumbled over the edge and clung on as the others caught up and pulled her back. The cliff edge was covered with broken glass. I found this out when the hospital up North called to get out Health Insurance No. She would never have told me otherwise????
However time passed and her grades were always excellent, 4 awards from elementary school and honours from Grade 13, and she was accepted into 5 Universities (higher than Colleges in Canada)
At age 19 she met the N, and they were married in a year. It was awful and that is the first I really felt she hated me---I didn't like him and he treated me with no respect, but loved my money. I soon saw she was very unhappy but she still claimed to love him, and had 3 children. Later she would tell me that she stopped loving him the day the first was born (He is 24 years old today.) They lived in a one roomed cabin with no amenities and for a time until the eldest was 4½ I looked after him and then his sister who came aong 2½ years later, the N SIL kicked me out. She was so beaten down with this Narcissism, she couldn't speak for herself.
I have been out of their lives ever since, although she left him in 1994, divorced 1996, took the children and left him with the debt of $55, 000.00 to me. That is now repaid.
but there was always a wall. I left Ontario with the damed N in 1998. What a shock to find out he was my SIL all over again.
Then I received notice that she was in a same-sex relationship, then 45, and her children grown but she has not applied a label to herself. I accepted that as she was finally in love and knows what love is. I was happy that she was happy at last, and thought I might hear from her more often, being that I openly accepted her life style. But No!
I seldom hear from her but she and her partner attended my sister's 70th birthday party and she introduced L. as her partner, and apparently no one blinked an eye. (perhaps inwardly?)
I think of her flittingly, and suspect I have accepted that I no longer have a daughter and 3 grandchildren. It was difficult, but it was like NC with an N; the longer the NC the better one's life becomes.
We are not alone, I expect.
If I was a failure as a mother, I cannot see it, but I expect I must have been. I cannot see us ever having a relationship again and that is almost beyond my ability to realize. It is in outer space somewhere.
Much Love, and success in your journey to a peaceful mind
Izzy
P.S. I have always suspected that younger children say 12-20 who try, successfully or not, to try suicide, have sexual identity issues but it never dawned on me when she was 12. I just never applied it to my own child.
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Hiya Hops,
I just have to say that your grace and resilience are two precious, wonderful parts of you. Please keep taking good care of yourself, especially of your health!
I have battled the nature vs nurture issue in regards to my motherhoodness and children ....it seems forever.... and here's what I've concluded:
No one is perfect. All mothers make some mistakes. No child is perfect, some are easy and some are down right difficult to raise. Just as some mothers are terrible, so some are wonderful. And the biggest one of all: We all make our choices. I am neither perfect nor wonderful nor terrible and neither are my children. But I am a good mother and my children are good people. Both they and I have made good and not good choices (I'm speaking of them not only in adulthood but at the age of knowing right from wrong, as well).
Having said that, I come from a chaotic background and could not possibly know how to mother properly. I did have much to learn. I did ask and I did watch people I admired and I did read. I did learn and I did do a much better job than my mother before me, in many ways. I also messed up some too.
I bet, if you examine closely everything you've tried, every way you've tried to help your D, everything you've learned and implemented..... well I just bet you will be forced to accept that you have done a reasonable job and so stop blaming yourself and beating yourself up (which, I agree, is so easy and so tempting and just so "normal" to do, as we watch our children struggle and suffer).
You're doing one of the most difficult but important things any parent can do....and that is.....
allowing your D to make her own way in the world.
It's very, very difficult to watch and absolutely necessary. Your job as nurturer continues, as it should, from a distance and now.....nature takes over.
She will do as she decides and survive and thrive accordingly. Not up to you any more. You're a good mother, Hops, to realize this and contain your urges to rescue. You're a good mother because you have the urges to rescue. You're a good mother because you want what good mothers want for their children....they want them to thrive and survive.
And you are a good mother because you are brave, Hops, for allowing her to take her own course, go on her own way.
Not easy but necessary because you won't be here forever so she must make it on her own. You're a good mother for knowing that and for not interfering in it.
((((((((((((hug))))))))))))) Good job Hops!!
Sela
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Sela, given the kind of heart you have...
and mind...and history.
Your reassurances strike deep and comfort me profoundly.
Thank you so much for writing this.
I am very grateful.
love
Hops
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You are most welcome and bless you Hops.
Sela
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Hi all:
Home update--THE HOUSE SOLD. I'm in shock and emergency find-housing mode, as the buyers insist on closing Aug. 2, and since my yard sale drama you can imagine how much I feel on top of purging/packing/moving (much less finding and buying and inspecting and financing, while working FT...). Buuuuut...it does mean this limbo is over and a new chapter has begun. Hard to believe it's finally happening.
I'm looking at tiny houses. There are very very few in my price range in this verrrry expensive area. So some are in more urban and poor neighborhoods, and so it goes. One has so much charm it is a serious draw, though again, I'm a bit concerned about aging in place there as a woman alone. I could choose a tiny apt. in the old-age ghetto and my spirit recoils. I'm working hard to not be led by my fears, though, and there are many reasons that bungalow continues to draw me. (There's also a retired cop next door...) Will keep you posted, but it'll be sporadic as between now and the end of July I'll probably be in daily increasing stress mode.
(Or more likely I'll be posting like a maniac every day BECAUSE I'm in stress mode!)
Heart update -- My D is still jobless, in real economic peril (like, no rent) unless she moves mountains within weeks herself. The positive news, relationship wise, is that she has been so affected by her stepmother's terminal condition nearby (and the resulting renewed contact with her brothers), that she has thawed toward me and we're much more in touch. She feels lost and desperate but is talking to me about it, instead of blaming me for it. What a change.
Please send her tsuamis of white light. She feels desperately alone and drowned in debt and has been negative for so long it's hard for her to think new ways, allow for new possibilities or hope. I've sent Goodwill boxes of things she could wear for interviews but she's deeply distracted by the hospice vigil and all the old family dynamics that are playing out there for her.
Good news on the "distraction" front -- she agreed to try ADD Rx, my own dear dr. here (who's also seen her before) arranged for me to fill an Rx and ship it to her. So if that is the "brain focus" rescue for her I'm praying it will be, her life COULD take a turn for the better. Much, much white light needed though...seriously, I do believe in it and thank you from the heart for any thoughts you can send her way (she's in Miami).
love to all--you have supported me so much in absolutely everything, I cannot adequately describe how very, very much you have meant in my life...
Hops
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Hopsie, I am so happy you have sold your house even though I do understand what a lot of work it's going to be moving in a short space of time. Sorry to hear that your daughter is in a difficult place but glad that you are talking and she seems to be mellowing about the situation a bit. Sending lots of love and white light her way and also beaming the same to you; I hope the right thing appears at the right time and it all starts to fall into place. You're doing an amazing job and I hope that this is the start of a more settled phase for you (((((((((((((((((((Hopsie)))))))))))))))))))))) and (((((((((((((((((((((Hopsie DD)))))))))))))))))))))))) xxx
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OH CONGRATULATIONS HOPS!!!!!!!!!!
I hope you've had time to feel the relief that's part of the sale. If not, I think you should find a few hours to just sit and appreciate the significance of this moment. Finding a new place - choosing the one YOU want - will undoubtedly be a busy, crazy, tiring time... and there's such potential for FUN in this, too. It's time to unfurl those wings o' yours and fly into a future full of new, and good things: people, places, connections.... all of it. Strut your stuff, girlfriend... time to flaunt it!!
Don't fear for your D; I know you will worry anyway... just do add some trust (in the universe) into that mix. From what you've said about her right now... this could be a very pivotal turning point for her... and what she needs to hear and feel now from you, is that you are confident in her ability to choose well for herself; take care of herself. Let her suggest the path... the solutions... and be as supportive as you can, while still being that very realistic sounding board she needs. It almost sounds as if you and she are experiencing parallel transitions - and it's important that you each do this your own way; in your own style; for your own goals. Life is funny sometimes, how this happens... but I've seen windows of communication and relational transition while maintaining or even cultivating a deeper relationship open up with my Ds because this kind of thing. It's been a very good thing for me and my Ds, difficult as their situations have been.
I'd say this news of yours, is worthy of an official amazon happy dance, Hops!
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I am still naive.
It's not SOLD-sold. We had a real offer but then they attached a ton of repairs after the inspectino (what part of "as is" did they not grasp?) and now want a huge price drop which would limit my safe/liveable options even more, so although the realtors are still schmoozing each other...looks likely that these will not be Real Buyers after all.
...still, as these things go, it can all change in a day.
LIMBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, but I'm keeping my balance relatively well...
Hops
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Take heart, Hops. But it won't hurt to cross your fingers... and hope for another offer.
Realtors are professional schmoozers... and believe me, they're "hungry" for sales/commissions... they'll be your best advocate and work hard to find a compromise and explain to the interested party what "as is" means, legally. You could counter with a token price drop - make the bait dance a bit - and see if all they're trying to do is scoop up a rock-bottom bargain (at your expense)... or if they're seriously interested in the property and might counter-counter with an amount that splits the difference...
if you can get anywhere NEAR the amount you need to either purchase another property outright for cash -- or with an extremely small mortage payment (and anything under $1000/mo is considered small these days; those mortgages DO exist) then the decision becomes one of numbers -- the carrying costs of the current place, versus selling for less than you really wanted. Remember that other sellers are also settling for less, in many cases, too; they might be totally desperate to sell at any price and people ARE offering making embarrassingly low offers these days; and therefore negotiations are settling well below (10-20%) of the asking price. That's not considered piracy, these days... it's a real drop in "fair market value", sadly.
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In a way I wish I could have compromised and lowered the price again...
but my brother's contributing not a dime to keep it going and I have
decided I have to conserve my own funds.
If I did the repairs they were demanding, or dropped the price as much
as they demanded, I'd be deeper in debt and farther away from being
able to afford a little place I could smile in.
So I said No. I'll never be certain whether it was the right choice but
it's the only one that made sense and the pressure...whew. I was also
afraid to open the can of worms of volunteering to do these things on
my own dime, since the agreement with my brother on the sale does
specify "as is".
Apparently these buyers did the same thing for another house around
the corner--made an offer, and then demanded everything on the inspection
be remedied (and these are spacious, gracious but 50+ year old houses).
So I'm uncertain and pretty exhausted. If/when there's another offer,
I will be a lot slower to leap into house-hunting, and I won't accept a
four-week timetable. I went into enormous stress and paid $500 to have
this very very old bungalow inspected, since the buyers were trying to
get me out practically immediately. (Their first offer had their closing on
July 20 with taking possession the 21st! Which would give me ONE DAY.)
Nuts. Sharks. Whew.
Hops
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Perhaps things are different state by state... but I know for a fact, that we had to pay for inspections as a BUYER Hops; not the seller. Since the inspection has been done, the major "issues" will need to be disclosed to the next "lookers"... who can still have their own inspection done, etc. The seller's financial choice is making the repairs or lowering the price.
I think you're right; that offer was made by landsharks... and I don't think you'd have felt good if the deal had gone through.
Patience. When a property is being sold as part of an "estate", unexpected things can come up. Including multiple offers, title issues that delay closing, etc. Perhaps your realtor could spend a little time, making sure everything like that is in order... so when the next nibble comes in, all the pieces will quickly and easily fall together.
30 days to close, is the usual Hops. So, I wouldn't stop being an expert on the local MLS listings in your price range... let your list of favs rotate... and I'd try to pack what I didn't absolutely need to have to live normally, so that there is less to do. We moved in Jan '10 - I had to start packing in October 09; and I was just finishing up when the movers arrived at 5 am. Packing DID involve donating a lot of stuff, and recycling tons of paper and books - my guerilla runs to Salv Army and the landfill done while hubs was at work... otherwise I'd still be there packing! As it is - we have the garage yet to clear at that house, some basic furniture left in the house, etc.
Yep; it's certainly stressful. But hey - I lost a few pounds in the process! :D And it's made me really appreciate backpacking philosophy...
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Hi Hops:
I'm familiar with this situation in house selling and house hunting, unfortunately.
The good new is, you have more information on what you'll do when the house does sell, and you can take care of smaller repairs that don't cost, but show the house in a better light.
That you're competing with foreclosures makes it tough. Buyers want the foreclosure price, with owners putting everything in perfect repair. Just nuts in older properties, if you don't want to give everthing away. You'll probably make some inexpensive repairs, that pretty things up, then have a heart to heart with your realtor about the reality of future offers.
Friends used the pods to get their moving situation taken care of. They loved filling the pods at their own pace, and having them stored till they were ready, or just having the pod there on the property. Not sure if that would work for you, but it could help edit the house down so it shows better, and you can have a lot of packing done, just in case.
It warmed my heart to read about the thaw between you and your daughter. She'll find her way, (((Hops)))
::sending prayers and white light to you and your dd::
Lighter
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thanks, PR and Lighter...I know this stuff is an ordeal for anybody who goes through it.
What a whiner I am.
PR, the inspection I paid for was on an 1925 bungalow I was going to BUY, believing
that the offer on my home was going to go through. The "buyers" paid for the inspection
on my home. So, I spent over $500 on finding out all about a place I now can't buy.
Expensive learning experience.
Lighter, VERY good advice to step up the purging and packing regardless. I intend to.
This just caught me off guard because we'd had zero offers in 8 months and I just
figured (stupidly) I'd probably be here at least another winter.
Oh well, lessons learned. And my housemate and I are just fine continuing as it is.
(She's been wonderful. If/when she moves on, though, I'll be hard-pressed to find
another housemate who wants to deal with the stream of showings, uncertainty, etc.)
But it will all work out. Just have to turn the dial down on my anxiety and press on.
I'm doing okay today.
hugs
Hops
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Whine away Hops!! Even when the process goes well, it's exhausting... and physically touching every single piece of accumulated stuff brings up so many emotional associations and memories... and that also takes a toll. I like Lighter's idea of a Pod; my packing situation was made worse by not having any place to put boxes - they were stacked as high as I could reach/lift and they still crowded the space so much, that I eventually ran out of room to pack efficiently. Boxes take up more room than the stuff itself. Thanks Light - I might even be able to use that one, myself.
Packing like this... might have some intangible benefits. You'd be "doing something toward your goal" while in the waiting process. It would be a little at a time - physically less taxing. And Lighter's right - less stuff in your house will help other folks imagine their own in the space.
Sorry I misunderstood about the inspection! My brain is a little scrambled from this book I've been reading - more on that, once I finish it and digest the message.