Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Lupita on November 28, 2010, 12:26:04 PM
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For CB or any friend desiring to help.
The one thing I know is that you are not seeing your own status as "victim" correctly. You already have had escorts and the prospect of escorts, friends to go to movies with, a son who loves you and was able to cause you to "forget" for awhile. I dont see you as alone at all--and that's a GOOD thing. The BAD thing is that you see yourself as alone, abandoned, without a friend in the world. You are telling yourself a truth that I think you DO believe, but it isnt true. I think the most important thing you can do as the next step in your healing is to discover what this "story" is giving to you that you need?
I think its really, really, really important to know the answer to that question.
Love
cb
I do not understand what you are telling.
You are telling me that despite that I have a son who loves me, other gentleman to go out with me, a lady willing to be my friend, I still feel a “victim” “abandoned” when I am not really am.
So, I know that. I feel empty, lonely, and abandoned, because I was not welcome in to this world and my mother made sure I knew.
The hole in my soul is there, and has never been filled. It is temporarily filled when I have a man who devotes his time to me, but when he wants to get away from me, I get a horrible anxiety and get desperate and fill abandoned and like wanting to dye.
I know I should not put my needs on a man only, I have to satisfy my needs by my self. But I have been fighting that for more than 50 years now. I have been fighting the loneliness for all my life.
Maybe I need medication. I will talk to my T tomorrow and ask for a referral for my doctor to prescribe some SSRIs, or something to help me fill the hole chemically because I cant do it on my own.
What do you think? Please, help.
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For example, last night i went dancing, i danced with M, we had a good time, he thinks I am still with him, my heart tells me that I have to finish that, that he causes me too much stress.
We ended in good terms last night, still today I feel fear of him, I feel anxiety, asn if we are still fighting, I do not want to be with him anymore. i did not tell him last night. Why do I not have the courage to call it quits, and move on? I know I dont want to be with him, he is totally unpredictable, he causes me stress, he always does things that are hurtful to me, he critizies me constantly, he does not like when I am happy, if I am happy he does something to hammer me in the head. He hates to see me happy.
Why, last night I let him think that we are OK when I know we are not? Why do i fear him so much, just like I fear my mother?
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Lupe,
I am not saying that you dont feel lonely--of course you do.
But I have paid attention to everything that you say when you are in pain...and you frequently feel that the person you are with is hurting you on purpose. Perhaps they are. I dont know though. You had a very nice gentleman friend a year or so ago, who just wasnt right for you. He didnt stimulate you intellectually and he was too clingy. I saw you as a grown woman who was deciding whether or not to continue spending time with someone she didnt really enjoy.
M. is someone that you really enjoy...but he has made some choices in his life that are not compatible with what you want your life to look like. Again, I see you as a grown woman who is making grown up decisions about the suitability of a man for you.
You have had a couple of guys in the last few days to do things with, a girlfriend, your son. I see you as someone who is probably very attractive and engaging and that people like to be with. M. doesnt want to lose you (of course he doesnt! You are a keeper!) but he isnt right for you.
That's what I see: he isnt right for you. He isnt trying to hurt you, torture you, make you crazy. But you feel as though he is. And you often bring up your mother and what she did to you as a similar situation.
Maybe that's where you are getting stuck. When you feel badly, you impute to the person who you feel badly about the same traits as your mom. Maybe that is easier for you than to see yourself as a grown up woman who is no longer stuck, but who can make decisions about who she wants to spend time with.
I love journalling as a way to clarify what I am thinking. I dont know if you journal, but you could use the pages here as your journal and go back and read the entries over the last year. Maybe you will see a thread that will pop off the page at you and show you where your thinking gets stuck.
Wishing the best for you Lupita
CB
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Lupita:
Hey..... where are you?
Nestled in with a new journal, and hot cup of something comforting I hope.
(((()))) Everyone goes through lost, dreadful times, dear.
It's the soil serenity grows in (if we don't go back and distract ourselves with M's to shift our focus from the pain.)
Stay with it......
choose yourself.
Lighter
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Why, last night I let him think that we are OK when I know we are not? Why do i fear him so much, just like I fear my mother?
Lupita, sweetie - you just gave yourself one big clue in these questions.
M is not your mother. Even if he does some things that remind you of her... your relationship with him and your boundaries with him... are still different. M is not your mother...
Part of our brains know this; but we have another part that doesn't. It's the part that can be so frightened because it mistakes a stick for a snake; our flight - fight - freeze reflexes. I've come to know how that part of my brain works; I think everyone's is unique and so just a bit different. In my case, total intimacy with another person - like my own Mhubby - can send me to that total fear zone. It's because that part of my brain mistakes hubby and our relationship - for the inappropriate boundary intrusions and projections and self-soul-pain that level of intimacy evoked in my relationship with my mother. It's like I have intimacy PTSD, you know?
It happens more than I want it too, even now. It happens with lots of other situations and people, too. But the more I learn about how my own system works... the more in control of it I am... and the less likely I am to take the old pattern of relationship with my mom and superimpose it on someone else. I've learned that that "reflex" - or learned fear experience - is mistaking a stick for a snake; and sometimes now, that is even true of my interactions with my mom. (My boundaries with her are stronger now; I'm "training" her sort of... with mixed results.)
The result of working on and through this is - the level of intensity of all feelings I have about boundary issues decreases; I'm able to look at what's going on in a relationship or misunderstanding or situation a tad more objectively than I used to; and so I've convinced myself (right or wrong) that I'm making more informed, cleared, decisions. One thing I know for a fact: I am never completely a blameless, helpless victim in these situations; only in that ancient, engraved on the fear brain, old situation was I helpless. I always find things I could've said or done differently that would've prevented issues or been more true to expressing what I really wanted. I know now, that I'm a part of the problem too.
The reason I think you might be doing something like this too, is that you've said a couple of times that you felt abandoned. I'm sure that's true of your experience with your mother... but M is not your mother and spending time with his other family members isn't abandonment of you... unless you're expecting (with part of your brain) to replace that previous family and all his other relationships and make him into a substitute for the mom who really did abandon you. After all, you left him - right? And doesn't it "take two to tango"? Maybe you unconsciously gave M the message that it was OK with you or that you didn't mind him spending time with his children and ex? (That's a big maybe that only you will know the answer to, sweetie... I'm just guessing.)
Poor Lupita, I wish I could explain this better and make it all better. I know how awful and confusing and painful that place is. But CB is right; if you look at what you yourself are saying in your posts - you'll also find the clues to understanding what's going on and healing that place and changing it, to your gain in wisdom about this and yourself. Read your posts as if someone else wrote them. It'll help. Do a complete de-briefing on this whole relationship and how you were feeling and are feeliong now, with your T; it'll help.
I hope you don't misunderstand and think I'm "blaming" you, either. I'm only trying to use my experience of discovering how I actually helped create the situations that brought everything crashing down on me... to help explain some of what MIGHT be going on with you, too.
I know I could be completely wrong and if you persist in trying to understand it yourself, you might very well come up with a completely different explanation.
Hang in there, sweetie.
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Lupita,
I do not believe that you have a hole in your soul.
You may FEEL this, but that feeling is not equal to reality.
I think you need to use the deep intelligence that can help a woman graduate from medical school in one language find her way into another culture and language and start that education again.
Do you have any respect for yourself? It is okay if you do not. But it is important for you to answer the question. If the answer is No, then you know what you need to fight for with all your courage. If the answer is Yes, but only about my looks or my seductiveness or my talents...then --
You need to challenge your idea of soul. You need new experiences and new assumptions and new teachers. The dance and the desperate search for other people to reassure you is empty. You could find a man tomorrow who would pledge undying love and devotion and marry you and never ever look at one other person and be riveted on your every word for the rest of your life...
And you would wake up one day and realize that he was not the answer. Nobody outside YOU is the answer. Not even your mother.
YOU ARE THE ANSWER. YOU HAVE THE ANSWER. Your worth and dignity as a human being IS the answer. It has to stop becoming an abstraction and you have to create space inside yourself for THIS to become a feeling.
You know all about passion and pain. You don't know much about compassion and kindness and peace -- for yourself.
YOU CAN LOOK IN NEW DIRECTIONS TO DEFINE YOUR WORTH. I refuse to believe you can't.
You probably need to stop dancing for a while. I think it confuses you.
I remember a long time back telling you I think a support group for women, a regular and committed group of women who meet to support and hear and value each other, would be powerful for you. I think if you find some women's spirituality group -- it would help you rebalance.
You have lost drastic amounts of weight and had surgery on your face and danced until you dropped.
Is it time to be kinder to yourself? Is it time to stop acting out your mother's ignorance?
You don't deserve to just act out the pattern she had. You are so, so much more interesting than that. You are forcing yourself to be small and terrified. You may have moments of terror, but it is true...you can actually look forward to a life that is NOT ruled by panic.
love,
Hops
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Lupita:
I remember reading ADDICTION AND GRACE many years ago.
I identified with it, and it helped me understand that we're all addicted to something..... all needful, very human beings.
We all have a hole in our souls, and we're going to fill it with something.
If we're filling it with something harmful, we come to crossroads and often consider making better choices. We do that A LOT.
We can make different choices, educate ourselves and take leaps of faith that not repeating our pattern won't kill us......
or keep doing what we've been doing, and get the same outcome.
It's difficult to change habits and patterns. Almost impossible for some, bc it's painful, and humans spend their entire lives going from one distraction to another, avoiding pain. That's what we do. Hopefully, the distractions aren't toxic, KWIM?
I think you're at a very important cross road right now. You have choices. You can hope to feel better, or you can remain where you are, but it's a journey, and you learn from any path you take.
There's no wrong decision, only different decisions, and different life lessons. Maybe you're learning exactly the lessons you need to right now, and you're right on track.
Please try to embrace the hope for change, and know the pain is what drives it..... the pain isn't your enemy. It's your catalyst for change, Lupe.
You're smart, and interesting and driven to educate yourself. It's going to get better, but it takes time and perhaps a whole lot of journaling so you can see what's really going on inside your soul. So you can see what's inside, and make mindful choices for yourself.
We're here for Lupita. You aren't alone ((())).
Lighter
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Against my best judgement I got back with him. Why is it for me so bad to be alone? I was alone for 20 years and now I do not want to be. I survived alone before, why amd I so afraid now?
I know we will soon be fighting about something else. Oh yes, about Christmas. I will spend my vacatio at his house but I will leave 25 and 26 for his adult children narcissistic family to come to spend "rivate time" with him, of course with the ex wife there.
Why do I take him back if I hate him so much?
Why am I not learning?
Lack of courage for delaying gratification?
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I know my biggest fear is to see him with other women. That will kill me. Sometimes I think that the only reason I keep taking him back is because I do not want him to have someone else.
What a stupid reason to suffer the way he treats me.
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It feels like I finallly have my mother and since she is mean to me I have to let her go with my sister.
my sister = other women
That is why I feel so aufle with other women dancing or flirting with him, i feel it is my sister stilling everything from me. But it was not my sister stilling everything from me, it was my mother denying everything to me.
So, it is M the one that is causing me damage, not the other women. Therfe is no reason for me to be afraid of other women. Every women in tango hates me. He has provoked it that way. I played the game, i was competeng with "my sister".
I need to leave thais man, but it took me 52 years to detach from my mother, it should take me less than that to detach from M.
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Lup,
How did he provoke all the women in dance to hate you?
Deb
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He tells them that I don't let him dance with them. Every time a woman is trying to make friends with me, he starts flirting with her so we feel uncomfortable and have no more friends. One day an older woman came and saw mw so sad that she gave me a kiss in the forhead and told me to never be sad in tango. He immediately told her in front of me. I am attracted to older women too.
She felt so uncomffortable that to this dya she does not talk to me any more nor dances with him.
He isolates me just like my mother did. He makes me look bad just like my mother did. Provoking my reactions that he knows triggers my emotions.
I truely dislike him and cant say no to him. Juts like my mother.
But now I say no to my mother. She has not come to visit me in two years because I do not let her. I said no for the first time to her two years ago.Now I have to learn how to say no to M.
I made one friend last week and he sked her to dance. She said no. I said, she is my friend, she will not play your games. She idd not dance with him. She knows that he flirts to torture me.
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Lupita:
I was stunned to read that M was so innapropriate to the older woman who was kind to you.
What an awful thing to say and do to BOTH you and that woman.
I don't like him based on that alone, Lupe.
I will refrain from name calling.....
Oh what the hell.
MPig.
You're better than that, Lupe.
You don't need his crap, but on the bright side.....
perhaps you're working through it so you don't have to keep repeating this struggle?
Lighter
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Hi Lupita, sweetie...
I agree with Lighter that I think you're working through this, now. Seeing the similarities in the relationship patterns - the parallels - can help you reach the answers to the questions you're asking; because like Hops pointed out - you already know the answers! And maybe unconsciously, that's why you're returning to M - for your SELF - to work through this, answer the questions you're asking your self, and finally break out of this pattern. Maybe, it's this reason... maybe it is fear... maybe it's more complicated than that. I guess that's another question.
Sometimes, we really really don't want to hear the answers to those kinds of questions. That doesn't make you a bad person, or weak... it just makes you human, ya know? But you can get to those answers, if you choose to. No one can decide whether you will pursue the answers now or just stay with M - except Lupita. I don't think there's really a right or wrong choice - either path will get you to the answers you want, if you really want them - the paths are simply different.
The above, is kind of advice that's "no advice", huh? Well, there is one thing I'd recommend you do. When you have a chance or opportunity (without M around)... and you see that older woman who told you you need to be happy to tango... go ask her what she meant. Ask her how she is. Compliment her on what's she wearing - do anything to open a conversation with her. I think she might be an angel-friend for you... it kind of sounds like it, from how you described her - and her reaction to M. And it would be someone - other than M - to spend time with, and maybe be close to.
(((((((Lupita))))))))
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I think you need to join an all-female jazz dancing class.
I think you need to stop tango because it triggers you over and over and over and over.
love,
Hops
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Hey Lup,
I don't really know what's going on but I would really pay attention (to my feelings). Sure you are having (triggers and connection) to your M about how you are feeling with M (with his words and actions) Things that don't just match up but are all so familiar to you.
I have read you Lup and from what I gather:: You have been told (many ugly things) about ex-wife and his past relationship with her. Things he is (sour about).
He has (satanized) her in talk to you. Yet he remains (very good friends) has her over talks different to her (then he has to you). It causes you (much confusion).
On the same hand:: Your not sure what he says to his children (about you) his ex-wife (about you) you know what he is saying to your dance people (about you).
And you said yourself::: He is playing games.
So can you understand (as far as his children) wanting to spend holidays (alone) in thier father's house because they won't go to mother's house where she lives with her lover and his wife that (they) may want no part of...The game. They want to spend holidays with parents. That's it. Anything other that goes on in thier life (drama) they are shutting out. I am visiting you and mom. Anything other then that. We will not be coming.
Lord knows Lup (how they feel) what they have been through....Your only hearing (what you are being told) and by whom. Yet it looks a different way to you.
You see his children as being narcissistic, self-fish, demanding which may not be true or very well could be true.
So ...lets leave the holidays out!!! Lets leave his children out!!!! Let's even leave his ex-wife out!!! Let's leave your mother out!!
And what do you have?
A man who makes you feel uncomfortable, makes other women feel uncomfortable....And you take it from there!!
Love
Deb
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When you have a chance or opportunity (without M around)... and you see that older woman who told you you need to be happy to tango... ask her how she is. Compliment her on what's she wearing - do anything to open a conversation with her. I think she might be an angel-friend for you... it kind of sounds like it, from how you described her - and her reaction to M. And it would be someone - other than M - to spend time with, and maybe be close to.
(((((((Lupita))))))))
Absolutely love to see you making reciprocal, maternal connections, Lupe.
If nothing else, she's a strong nice person to cozy up to regularly at Tango class.
Lighter
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I dont know what to say, except that thank you for taking the time to talk to me.
I know that M is very selfish and inconsiderate.
This will have to end sooner or later. I just don't want to end it right now. I need his company. But I am spending less time with him, I have not gone to his house in two weeks, not at all.
So, little by little I am imrpoving.
My first boyfriend when I was 15 was just exactly like M. Same personality. My ex-husband, was exactly like M. My mother is exactly like them, and my father was the same.
I am used to being mistreated. Just dont know how to break the vicious circle.
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I have been abused by almost everybody I have been involved. Boyfriends, girlfriends, workers, etc. I show something that elicits that behavior. I dont know how to behave different.
Constant fear, constant loneliness, constant fear of being alone, and I always end up alone any way.
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Lupita, you now see the pattern and how it's repeated throughout your life.
You're not the only one! I did this too... and even the hubby that I'm with now and our relationship has some of the same "issues" to it, as my relationship with my mom. Just not the really awful ones.
NOW, it's time to breathe and relax a bit; take care of yourself and resist telling yourself that this is "all your fault". Sure, you've got things to learn about why you do this and how to break the cycle; change it. But seeing the pattern is HUGE step forward... so the first thing to do, to make more progress... is to rest and gather yourself together for the next step. I know I said "it takes two to tango" - and you know, that somehow you keep attracting and getting involved with abusive people... it's just not time to go there and start working on that yet.
The best advice I could give you, is to take this to your therapist and work on it there - first. Don't try to change a whole lot in 3-D; you say you're not spending all your time with M and maybe this much distance between you two, will "work" for awhile. Working on this with your T first, will give you a chance to really understand how this works (it's more complicated than it looks!)... before you put it all to the test in life. It really is an educational process - learning things about yourself that you might not even have noticed before - and finding ways to fix them inside first... before trying to make changes outside. I always wondered why my outside changes were never permanent - why I always slipped back into the same old, same old... it's coz I hadn't changed inside first. A T is the best person to help you learn how to behave different - based on the inside changes.
Can you think back to when you first came to the board? Can you see how much you've learned, changed and grown - already? Sure, there's more. That's true for all of us. But you're getting there, kiddo. You don't have to rush this, you don't have to be perfect (you will make some mistakes - you're allowed to make mistakes!!) and you will continue to grow.
And no more of this "always alone" stuff! :) What am I, chopped liver???! Hops, CB, Lighter, Deb.... we're here, right?
When you have those kinds of thoughts that make you feel just lower than low... you gotta start talking back to them; question the truth of them and the basic premises... because I don't think any of us here would agree with those thoughts you're having about yourself or accept them as "true" about you - all inclusive, all the time, stuck like this. People make mistakes; people get "stuck" in cycles, loops as GS calls them... it happens; it doesn't have to be permanent... and it is possible to figure out why and change this.
It will be OK, Lupita... you're doing real well, even if it doesn't feel like it right now! But please do me a favor, and start talking about these patterns with your T. I've only got my own trial & error experience to offer you... and the things I've learned. It's a real good thing that everyone else has chimed in, too - to say what I either didn't get, didn't see, or forgot.
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Hi Lupita,
PR said something that's really key for you, I think: talking back.
I'd like to add, discipline yourself to stop saying/thinking two words: "always" and "never".
When you express yourself or describe your life in negative absolutes, you literally do not allow room for change, hope, or growth. You kill them before they could start. You poison the ground for them. You create a psychological micro-climate that will not support life. [fixed "not" on edit]
I believe the discipline of thought-stopping, daily meditation and use of affirmations (in a morning and evening ritual) would be excellent supports for your work with your T. Add a committed and well-led women's support group, and you cannot avoid beginning to heal.
love,
Hops
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What Is Thought Stopping?
One effective and quick technique to help you with the intrusive negative thoughts and worry that often accompany panic disorder, anxiety and agoraphobia is called “thought stopping.” The basis of this technique is that you consciously issue the command, “Stop!” when you experience repeated negative, unnecessary or distorted thoughts. You then replace the negative thought with something more positive and realistic.
Why Thought Stopping Works
The principles of why thought stopping works are pretty straightforward. Interrupting bothersome and unnecessary thoughts with a “stop” command serves as a reminder and a distraction. Phobic and obsessive thoughts tend to ruminate or repeat in your mind. Left unchecked, they become automatic and occur frequently. If you’re using thought stopping, you become aware of unhealthy thought chains and divert your attention from damaging repetitive thought habits.
Using the thought stopping technique can give you a sense of control. When followed with positive and reassuring statements, you are breaking the negative thought habit and reinforcing a sense of reassurance. If unhealthy thought patterns have influenced how you feel and how you behave, so too, will healthy and beneficial thoughts — but in a much better way, of course!
The basis of this technique is that you consciously issue the command, “Stop!” when you experience repeated negative, unnecessary or distorted thoughts. You then replace the negative thought with something more positive and realistic.
Difficulty: Easy
Time Required: 15 Minutes, Several Times Per day
Here's How:
1. Identify Your Stressful Thoughts.
Start by monitoring your bothersome and unnecessary thoughts. Write down the thoughts that are causing you the most trouble and pick one that you would like to work on.
2. Create Positive Thought Substitutions.
Write down positive statements and affirmations next to your stressful thought. For example, you can replace the stressful thought, “I’m always alone and always a victim. I'll be hurt and alone forever. I will never be close to anyone who's not like my mother,” with:
I’ve been on my own before and have enjoyed my own company.
I am confident that I can control my anxiety and panic by using the relaxation techniques I have learned.
I know that my medications are working to prevent me from having a full-blown panic attack.
I will go to the _____ and have a great time!
3. Repeat and Replace.
Close your eyes and think about the stressful thought. Try to imagine yourself in a situation in which the thought may occur. Repeat it in your mind for about three minutes and shout “Stop!” (You’ll probably want to do this part in private.) Let your mind relax and go blank for about one minute. If the thought intrudes, shout, “Stop!” again. Say the positive substitution statements and affirmations you identified in step 2 above aloud. Repeat these substitutions for about three minutes. Try to visualize your success in the stressful situation as you repeat your thought substitutions.
4. Important Considerations.
In order for thought stopping to be effective, you will need to practice it throughout the day for several days. The unwanted thoughts are likely to continue to recur during the initial days of this exercise. They should, though, gradually diminish.
Thought stopping may not work for everyone. If you find that your stressful thoughts are becoming more frequent or if the exercise is producing increased anxiety, discontinue and talk to your doctor or therapist.
Sources:
Davis, M., Eshelman, E.R. and McKay, M. “The Relaxation & Stress Reduction Workbook, 5th Edition. 2000 Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
McKay, M., Davis, M. and Fanning P. “Thoughts and Feelings: Taking Control of Your Moods and Your Life. 1997 Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
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All good advice, Lupita.
You have to discover boundaries, and begin putting them in place.
They won't be perfect, but they'll grow and so will you.
Lighter
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I am glad Hops had a link or copy of the thought-stopping technique, because it is something you (and I need to do this some more myself!!) can DO, to quickly help yourself.
Helping yourself = having some control = not being "help"less = and being free of "always" and "never" kinds of thoughts... which can grow into attitudes and beliefs (thought-habits turn into self image) about oneself. Healing, in other words. It's the very first step in practicing and exploring how to "trust oneself", too.
It's important not to kick oneself for not knowing how to do this already, too. Because this is the kind of thing we should learn from a "mom" who talks us out of our own exaggerated or distorted feelings, about ourselves while we're growing up... and replaces those nascent thoughts with encouragement to try again and do the best you can and that she'll still love you no matter how it turns out.... and damn it, we didn't have that kind of mom... so we didn't learn that THEN.
The beauty of life, is that it's never, ever too late to start learning how to do this for ourselves. NOW.
And you're not the only person in the world who needs to be reminded of things like this, Lup. Turns out that today, I needed just this reminder... because no matter what else I "am" or what people believe me to be based on outward acheivements, characteristics, or personality - inside, most of the time, I am still that little girl who wonders what in the world is wrong with her that her mom won't "mother" her. I feel like a kitten who's been rejected from the litter... and left to fend for herself. And thoughts and feelings like that can start to shade and color my whole being... and initiate the spiral down... and then I'm right back in the middle of an emotional cesspool, trying to sort out mutually exclusive, irreconcilable realities.
In fact - I did remember this morning, my metaphor for this kind of change... that because nature abhors a vacumn, if you are trying to "stop" something or change a bad habit... you almost always have to start the change with finding a replacement - like a place holder for that space - but it has to be "intentional"; planned, thought through the potential consequences, and you have to really, deep down WANT to make the change. Sometimes, that "want" is the hardest part - but it is the magical lever that can start the process.
Hang in there, sweetie - it's going to be OK. I'm probably going to be "off the air" for a few days this weekend. But it looks like the cavalry's here for you... and believe me, they're wiser than me!!
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I send you lots of love, Lupita. This relationship you have is like the tango. It is ok as a dance and a deep artistic exploration of the light and dark of the soul but better left for the dance floor. You go round and round, desperate for approval and love and sometimes you get and sometimes you don't. When you don't, you are devastated.
First love yourself, no matter what. I think a female dance group would be good for you because it is not about who is pretty and who is going to be asked to dance. It is the Dance. Maybe flamenco dancing. Dancing with yourself and for youself. Seeing yourself reflected by others who accept you and care for you.
Medication helps me to keep life manageable. I cant advise you on this. Too much pain alters the brain in so many ways.
Sea storm
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Lup - I can identify with the "hole in your soul" feeling. I had the same feeling most of my life. I finally found a therapist who helped me connect with all the buried, unverbalized pain that WAS the hole. I had never had the courage before to face, acknowledge, and give voice to that pain. When I did, the hole disappeared. I don't mean I feel necessarily fulfilled as a person, but that emptiness is no longer there, plus I have a much more complete picture of myself. With the hole, I would get frantic, panicked, and completely freaked out when a part of that pain was tapped. I would lose it completely, reach out to other people in state of helpless fear. People shunned me as a result. Others couldn't help. I know now the hole was all the silent screams and terror I experienced at the hands of two N parents. I had no idea what was happenbing when something touched that hole and I would freak out. I couldn't feel anything. I sat and shook alone or did that senseless reaching out - senseless b/c I could never explain to anyone what was happening. The more complete picture I have of myself now includes all the pain I could never before put words to. (I was threatened a lot by the N parents that no one would believe me, I'd better not tell anyone, etc. So I buried it beyond the reach of words.) Now I can recognize feelings, I can recognize what triggers the feelings and why. No matter my circumstances now, I can FEEL. Having the hole was such an awful existence that I feel for you, my friend.
(((((((L)))))))
towrite
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My version of Thought Stopping is asking the "four questions" that Byron Katie talks about. She's a little bit airey-fairey when you get into her too deeply, but those four questions really work for me. It forces me to stop and question my reality and admit the possibility that I am not seeing things exactly as they are. I dont have to determine the "truth" of a situation before I am able to cope with it--I can just admit the possibility that there is a greater picture that I am not seeing and be okay with that.
CB