Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on November 28, 2010, 01:21:33 PM
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I think I do this every year. I'd like to do it more simply this time:
I hate the holidays.
I begin to feel the dread around freaking September.
Nuclear family shouts of joy reverberate in the very air.
I know people are just being happy. I find myself resenting them, seeing them as smug. They're not! I'm just jealous.
There's no relief until January.
When I'm in a very good frame of mind I re-claim it in a small way: reminding myself what I care about is peace on earth, one candle lit, and sacred music--and I really enjoy how people are unusually nice to each other in December.
When I'm struggling (as this year), I feel waves of lonely anguish that nearly stop me in my tracks.
I just sit with it, mostly. Nothing else to do.
I have no family. I do have a child but she has made a (sharp) point of boycotting all the traditional holidays for many years. I used to make a celebration (decorations, outings, etc.) for my mother.
Now...all gone. No parents, Nbrother thank-god-NC but my only sibling, no extended family, my old-man friend dead last year (when I could take him to things it felt better), and I found out during her year with me that my D hates me. (Maybe she won't, years from now. I know that's possible.)
I do fine, eventually, and will this year also. The church usually has a Tgiving potluck but not this year, so I invited a stray galpal and we enjoyed nice food and part of a movie (turned it off since it was lousy). But after a couple hours it felt awkward so we wrapped up early.
I'm going to line up a volunteer thing for Xmas. I think I'll volunteer to walk dogs at the SPCA twice that day. THEY don't care what the calendar says.
Otherwise, bleahh. I am normally so depleted by my job that I lack the energy for volunteering, and volunteering is exactly the cure for what ails me.
I am very certain of that, that altruism is the answer...getting my focus off myself. So, just having written all this, I am feeling better. I sat and held hands with an old lady at church today, fetched coffee for an old man stuck on a walker-seat thing so he couldn't fetch his own. She told me she loves me and he called me beautiful.
I hate it but sometimes I think I'm called to love the very old. It is so easy to touch and love and comfort them and their loneliness is way worse than mine. The reason I hate it is it's so sad and I am afraid of how I'll be then myself.
Typical VSMB experience. I come to the Board sometimes with a ball of pain and within a few minutes, just having told it, said it, described it, it has softened some.
So thank you. I'm grateful to be able to post. I have so much to be grateful for and am annoyed with myself that I'm feeling self-pity.
I'll work on it!
xo
Hops
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There's nothing to "work" on, dear heart.
It just is.
It's called grief and you are entitled to it, like anyone else. You are also entitled to more than grief...do you believe that?
I love your idea about taking care of the animals on Christmas day. But what if you dressed up in something red and sexy and gorgeous (and you ARE gorgeous--I have seen you!) and did that beautiful silver hair up in a very glamorous way...and wear red shoes and took yourself to a very nice place for a deeply sensual dinner and a glass of wine?
Not for anyone else, but just YOU. I know that you think that's a very lonely prospect...and perhaps from this side of the event, it is. But I have done it myself, and I can tell you: it is wonderful, glorious and you really will change because of it. You will not just feel better, you will be different. Because you deserve that bit of beauty and sensuality.
Love you, dear Hops. There are many, many more adventures for you ahead.
CB
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hI Hops
I, too 'hate' the holidays, ANY holiday. Well I ignore them and just dislike that the stores might be closed.
My physical therapist is traditional and I expect she will bring me a fine little gift that will suit me to a "T", as she has that ability.
I don't, and I will just write her a Christmas bonus cheque and leave it at that, as she is definitely worth a bonus! and will be with me for a long while, with already 13½ months under her belt here!
She brought me a Thanksgiving dinner plate, which was delicious, and no doubt a Christmas dinner plate is in the picture. She says she doen't expect gifts, as she is paid to come to her people.
humbug
izzy
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Sometimes we need before we can give... and we're allow you know. It doesn't have to be a big to-do, either. Sometimes it's just the smallest little interaction that can set free that wish to "make merry" and to spread it all around. Sometimes, it takes more than that. I keep eyes & ears open for opportunity... it can't be forced, tho.
The whole thing about holidays reminds me of the conversation I was having with Bones today, about "rules". Whether we accept it or not; whether we're aware of it or not... we've had the ideas about the "rules" for what consititutes a "happy holiday" drummed into our brains and expectations. Sometimes the rules just don't make sense. For years, and through good times and bad... I've felt BAH HUMBUG about these holiday rules. It's like saying the only beautiful women are those whose body weight is 10% less than average and height 10% above average. BULL you know what. And yeah - I feel this way about my own family's holiday "traditions", too. The implied message is that you do "x, y & z" every year.... or you're not "celebrating" and you're a party-pooper or worse.
Holidays are the ideal time to reinvent "tradition"... to effectively break the rules and throw out convention and ostentation and just enjoy ourselves and other people.
Even though we have two memorial services for MIL this upcoming month - we are decorating, shopping and having "fun" with Christmas. No matter what one's religious affiliation - this is the renewal time of year. A time to wipe the slate clean and start over - even if that's "again". A time when light returns to chase away darkness. That doesn't have any rules, does it? The most difficult thing I'm dealing with at this time of the year, is the expectation that I'm going to be sad about losing MIL. I'm so much more happy that we had her for as long as we did... than I am sad at missing her now. She wouldn't want to be the reason for sadness. MIL was master of fun ceremonies and so loved to be surrounded by happy, chaotic family enjoying themselves. She would be most perturbed if we were all weepy and helpless and not thinking of caring for each other and enjoying life.
So, I'm feeling "immune" to the "perfect holiday" icons that are being force-fed to us all the time. There have been years when my ideal holiday celebration was simply visiting my favorite grove of pine and oak trees, newly frosted in a swath of snow. All by myself. Way more important to me than any of the other images and messages being pushed onto us... with the expectation that we'd better measure up - OR ELSE!! Or else what??!
You mean I might not be accepted into the Martha Stewart hostess hall of fame???
How will I EVER go on???!
ROTHFLMAO.....
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Thank you, CB, for the vision of me being sensual and feminine.
I accidentally got a "glamour shot" this year that was a surprise and you're right, I could do that.
I need to let my inner beagle take a nap and access my inner Afghan.
An updo is a good idea, I should make the most of this mane!
Now to figure out which establishment the lonely geezers hang out in.
One thing that makes me snort is the thought that, well, if a nice gentleman asked me what I wanted, I'd just say: I would like a husband. A kind one who makes me laugh. And isn't alcoholic. I do tend to startle people sometimes by saying just what I think. A nice thing happened in church a few weeks ago. A handsome older gentleman (former congressman) was standing in the aisle and for some reason, he said something about holidays, and I said, I hate them, and he said why, and I just said the truth, well I have no family with me and I feel the pressure to pretend, and he said, yes it's very hard for lonely people, I have that problem too, and I said, well we can commiserate, and then he was gone. I'm sure I'll see him again. (Rumor had it he was briefly engaged to another woman in our church...all I know about her is she'd had an astonishing facelift! But I'd bet anybody who befriended him now would be mightily scrutinized by his protective family.)
Izzy, I've been thinking about you...still my hero for all you endure and with mind intact and spirit strong. If I could brave Canada I'd come bring you a mug of the finest Southern brew to keep your spark going against the cold. Thank you for sending some of your strength. And thank you for hanging in here. I care about you and I want to know more how you're coping. I'm so glad for your fine PT who is pragmatic and kind, both.
PR, it's the "we" I miss. I wouldn't much care what I did with anybody, it would be just having somebody (with whom I'd no doubt complain about having to "do" anything!). But thanks especially for the reminder about the grove of trees. Yes yes yes. That IS it. All it is.
I think this year being kind of immersed in MTR and doing that witness trip and writing a sermon about it and seeing us merrily devour the planet and be cruel to animals, I (temporarily) lost the joy of nature. I need to remember that nature will have its wisdom and its results no matter what humans do...
I feel much better right now for the simple reason that I went for a longer walk than usual. When I am lonely I have to fight like hell to unplug myself from my womb-room and do it, but being off this week, I was determined to go every day whether I wanted to or not. And I always, always, feel MUCH better when I get back.
Thank you, my friends. And anybody who has any holiday-blues issues at all is most welcome to vent them here!
love,
Hops
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Hops, I hate the holidays too. I would love to sleep right through November and December, and just have someone wake me up about a week into January. People keep asking me what I'm doing for the holiday. Mostly I will be avoiding people :) I hate being expected to spend money that I don't have, being expected to do loads of extra work, being expected to haul myself around the country visiting people and being expected to eat a shed load of food that I don't like and will then be expected to diet in the New Year to get rid of the extra weight gained by eating the extra food that I didn't want to eat in the first place. What a crock. Although I have to say I've cheered myself up by being so grumpy about it :)
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Grump away, Tupp...complaining welcome!
And thanks for adding a few things I also find frustrating--the money/cooking/eating pressures that just mount up around one during this time.
I hear you!
xo
Hops
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Ya know what? I got distracted by a phone call (more sympathy stuff) when I was starting that last post Hops, all.
CB's picture of a drop-dead elegant, self-contained and kindly Hops treating herself to a "present" is what I wanted to respond to. Do you have a red dress, Hops? Can you indulge in a bit of playful fantasy? I'm hearing that you really want a playmate... someone to kinda push you out of your comfort zone cocoon and do something different - and fun.
Anyway - red dresses have a bit o' magic in them. Not so much for their effect on swooning males - but for how we ourselves feel. I have a story 'bout a red dress, back when I was hell on wheels. But, here's the story that I want to weave around Hops in a red dress:
You have a reservation at a special place; this place is somewhere you're comfortable, the wait-staff is nearly hovering in their attention, and it has that lovely warm, softly lighted, sparkly crystal glow to it. A la Scarlett O'Hara - your whole day up to the reservation time is spent preparing for a lovely night out. Choosing the clothes, accessories - maybe a special necklace or earrings - that you'll wear. (I'll lend you my elbow length, buttoned white kid gloves, if your hands are small!) The idea is that you are designing the "effect" of your meal and experimental excursion out into "fantasy-land".
Take a long time doing your nails; makeup... even trying a couple different things and redoing your face, if you don't like the effect. I can't wear foundation of any kind... (just emphasizes the laugh lines)... but a compact of translucent powder is a very important piece of the take-along "kit" to exude glamour & mystery... and lets you spy on people behind you! :D
When you get to the restaurant - feign some struggle getting the coat off, and accept the help of whomever shows up to assist. Smile! As the maitre d' or hostess seats you... take stock of the room and the people in it; surreptiously, of course. Smile at everyone who makes eye contact... and then retreat behind the menu. Of course, you already know which wine to order while you're choosing dinner. But ask the waiter(ress) for their recommendation. If the waiter's cute - flirt a little! (You'll make his day... no matter how old he is...). After ordering...
just let the atmosphere sink in. Absorb it. A really good restaurant is satisfying to all the senses... and even if I'm with a rowdy crew, with kids... I'll take a few to simply appreciate the pleasantly stimulating experience of the place. Take your time eating - and always, always interact with the wait person! Even a short "how pretty" on the salad... keeps you engaged with the experience and this person who is helping to create it. Dessert is optional, but do allow yourself some time to simply sit and finish the wine - or order a coffee - to let the meal and the experience settle into coziness. Rushing off sort of diminishes the feeling of sensual satisfaction. This is the stage when I can really people watch... I allow the people in the restaurant to become part of my meal-story... without intruding or being rude, I let these real people take their place in this moment in time. It's something we're sharing. And it's quite possible... that this is the moment you'll be approached by someone. And if not, tell yourself - next time.
When I used to travel alone to conferences, the hardest thing of all for me was eating out alone. I would hide behind a paper or book... and tell myself that I must be a horrible pathetic person to have to eat alone, this way. I'd be afraid of making a fool of myself, too. What if I knocked over a glass?? My inner bully always took advantage of situations like this. Well, maybe it was just that I was travelling a lot, but eventually I realized that there were a lot people eating alone... or travelling alone. And eventually, I realized that I could make whatever I wanted out of this experience, all by myself. And I started to enjoy it. I don't go many places alone now - a retired hubby tends to cling a little too much for my comfort, but I indulge him - and ya know, I really miss it. I miss meeting all those different kinds of people who are "on the road", too. I think a lot of them were just as happy to have someone to talk to, as I was.
I'm convinced that this is a good exercise and I might just have to start picking a time for myself to do this again. You should try it too Hops. Consider it an adventure! Anything can happen, in an adventure you know. ;)
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CB, haven't managed the red dress yet but you and PR would be proud of me.
I went off to a cozy diner I like (occasionally go there after church with buddies) and had a leisurely cheap breakfast in a very friendly atmosphere, then went off to the SPCA for my first solo. I'm sticking to pooches 20 pounds and under for now because of my back, but I'll find some bigger ones that don't pull, too. Very nice skinny little red dog (named...Red) was super skittish but we settled in for a good tramp and got along fine. She relaxed more after a while. (Adoption fantasies, but she so clearly needs other dogs to play with, wouldn't be fair.) The second one was a solid "puggle" who pulled so much that I realized I'd need a harness for her next time. Dang hair-trigger back. There's a different vibe walking these dogs than one's own indulged pet. A desperation about them. (Plus, some days they get walked only once for 10 minutes--more volunteers needed.) It feels good when about halfway through they are less desperately reconnecting with being a dog instead of cage-dweller and seem as though they perk up and start enjoying it more. It's a 5-acre place with nice paths through the woods...
There are sad areas you can't go into but it is a very attractive, well-run, well-supported, no-kill organization--a model one in the region (they do conferences and training for other facilities). I may have told you but I was SO happy that the beautiful cat I had "turned in" (found him wandering the woods in the downtown area behind a little house I was looking at late this summer--and he was Very Hungry and not neutered) was finally adopted in October. He was so sweet but kind of shy and it took a while. So this winter he'll be snuggled up with somebody who loves him instead of starving (and making stray kittens) out on his own. If I hadn't tested so allergic I'd have adopted him myself. I don't know how expensive allergy shots are, nor how effective, but if they really work, I might do that one day so i could have kitties again.
xo
Hops
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You have such a kind heart, ((Hops.))
It makes me happy to picture you meandering along wooded trails, with lucky little companions.
Lighter
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Thanks, ((((Lighter))).
It's their acceptance of me that blows me away. Such grace.
xo
Hops
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Hey Hops,
Your such a kind, loving, soul. My dog (which turned into dogs) two adopted and one was/is my Ds and b/f's that I watched for (2months) while b/f moved
that is now 2 years later..is here to stay.
And they know things. When my D moved out last month with b/f our dogs ...cried and mourned. They were so sad. When she comes in what a greeting of hysterical happy cry's of we missed you.
I think they have emotions. I can even see facial expression. Sad, mad, worried.
I think I have become barklingual or completely lost my mind for I know what they are trying to grunt out.
And I'm glad you are spending time with the animals. I wish I could but I would take them all home.
One of my little ones was a day short of being put to sleep. He was very aggressive and the vet's suggested it would be the best to do.
And I took him. That was 7 years ago. He still thinks he is tuff at times and all you have to do is look at him and he rolls over and pee's (lol).
Happy Holidays Hops!!
Your giving more then you know!
Love
Deb
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Hugs back, Deb.
If I were an abandoned pooch I would definitely dream of being adopted by a human JUST like you.
xo
Hops
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Maybe I'm going certifiably nuts. If so, I'm going willingly!
I think I'm finally learning something that explains some complicated things - including why some of us are so holiday-averse.
The popular image of "happy christmas" activity misses the boat completely. It's a false image. It's easy to reject it as inadequate or simply not appropriate. But the gloom, irritation, and outright pain that comes with it... is because of longing for the real happy times - the sharing, the spreading, of love, thoughtfulness and kindness. To all and sundry. That is what the "light" of Christmas is supposed to be about. Especially in "dark times".
And I for one, have always kept that at arm's length; guarded myself vigilantly against this. Because in my experience, this always came with strings attached; a "gotcha" that made it seem as though it wasn't real... or wasn't worth it... or worse yet, just an empty illusion behind which lurked a prison of torture. I learned to fear what I needed and hoped for, the most. I'm still not sure how I learned to hope for "the real thing" - maybe my grandma; maybe the angels in my life who touched me over & above all my defenses and objections (and some of those angels are here on this board); my dear hubby - but I definitely got a "wake up & smell the coffee" reminder in my relationship with my MIL.
Now, I despise funerals. By the time I was 12, I'd already been to many - and of course, at that time experienced other kinds of losses and griefs. My mom had plenty of opportunity to plant the wrong ideas about these rituals in my head. And a funeral or memorial service at Christmas? How awful would that be? I expected it would trigger my own deep griefs. I was so anxious about this I don't think I was at all "in my right mind" last week. And I don't know exactly what happened; how it happened... but that kind of detail doesn't matter.
The result was all that mattered - and the result was a group love fest. I don't know what else to call it. Joyful remembrances of MIL... being able to share those with each other... mutual sharing of love among people who may not really know each other... people giving this to each other without stinting or judging... sharing the "gift" of love and happiness. Which was exactly what MIL was all about... during the service, the minister connected this to advent... tears were shed without embarassment or explanation and often simultaneously with smiles and laughter.
It was as if the spirit of love and comfort and caring was the very air around us. As if, MIL was there, saying - if this is my party, this is how it's going to be. I think we were all blessed in that experience.
The key being - that it wasn't so much about the receiving of love and happiness... to be able to turn around and give this again. It was about giving it in the first place... sending it out into the universe... and like a boomerang, it comes back and it grows. The comfort and connection and caring I'm longing for gets created - for me too - when I give it.
In that spirit, I wanted to share this here - for Hops and all. We all can find ways like Hops has to "bloom where we're planted" and add some of the "real thing" - the love and acceptance and sharing and connection - during this season. It can be just the simplest of things - a smile, a hug, simple kindness - walking a dog.
For ourselves and everyone else.
Merry Christmas!
Love to all --
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((((Amber)))) Merry Christmas, to you: )
Lighter
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That is so wonderful, Amber.
She gave that back to you too -- the goodness of a caring ritual, done in true spirit.
I'm so glad.
love to you,
Hops
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Thanks!
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I used to love Christmas. I'm a giver and I was never happier than when I could give gifts to people I cared about. Buying the gifts and cooking for them. After many years, I experienced a shift. I got almost nothing back. I think I expected them to love me more or give me approval b/c of my gifts. But nothing happened. The emptiness and disappointment I felt finally got to be too much. I was giving and giving, hoping to get back, and when that didn't happen, I felt that big hole inside of me acutely. So I have stopped.
Unlike you, Hops, I do have 2 family members left, but it feels like none. My dad is gone, my middle brother is gone, just my NM and baby brother left, but there is no sense of belonging. So it feels like I am alone. Of my 2 good friends, whom I usually give to, one has sworn off Christmas giving and the other is too poor to give anything except friendship. I always believed in, cherished, fought for the sense of family. But I did that alone. So now, I have to accept my aloneness and the dogs and I will be alright, have a good Christmas meal, and sit by the fire. And wait for Jan. 2.
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(to PR...and everybody)
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Maybe you could use some mental PHamily, especially this year, hon.
If I were in your shoes holiday slippers, I'm sure the contrast would be painful. Your having just lost a loving, life-full and delightful non-bio elder on the one hand vs. bio-Sad Sack and his bioNic* Mum.
*BioNic. Wish I could patent it for its multi-functioning, but I'll settle for a short WDC (Word Dedication Ceremony), to wit:
Ahemm. Harrrumphh. Ting-ting!
"Thank you for coming. We appreciate your attendance at these outdoor ceremonies on a cold winter's day. After your aptly-named iceberg lettuce has finished freezing under the dried bits of ch, no, car, no, ch, bits of either shredded cheddar or carrot, depending on what you ordered and the proximity of your plate to the large magnifying glass that is being passed from table to table to aid in the defrosting of the lunches through the vehicle of concentrated beams of sunlight, I would like to take just a very brief moment to remind you why we are gathered here. It is not the nation's VES' highest nor its only honor, but it is one I persoNally, being your most Humble Hops the Honorable Host and Might I Add, Inveterate Speech-Giver who, Modestly, Just Loves the Sound of My Own a well-turned phrase, or perhaps, if I might put it another way, and drag out my intr, given my remarkable skills at spinnnnnnnning graNdeur into even the sm-- rather, Who Vastly Respects the Prodigious Insight and Outputs, respectively, of our dear Member who is Honored Here Today, and particularly by my Humble Introduction.
On this day of the 12th of December in the year of Our Lord (or perhaps not all Our Lord, but whatever Lord suits for filling in the blanks and infusing this sparkling assemblage with a sufficient sense of awestruck importance) and among the assemblage of important personages gathered here, or at least they are very important to Your Humble Host, Ms. Hopalong, or perhaps they have simply felt called to witness out of their dear and well-placed loyalty to Myself, and for which I, Hopalong, most humbly thank and acknowledge them for their perspicacity, sagacity, alacrity, and splenectomy, but then, my own accomplishments, considerable though they might be, are not the purpose of this gathering....errr, what was my purpose? Oh, yes! Beg your pardon.
Ting!-ting!-ting! Ladies, Gentlemen! Errrr, Mud-things! I have not finished my remarks. Please, may I have your atteNNNNNNtion! Ting!-ting! Ahem! I suppose I may have to turn up the microphone, there could be a probl ... oh? No need? Why, thank you for your applause. That is very kind. My goodness, I was never expect... Why, I am quite overcome. Look, how very long this ovation is. Good Lord, this isn't all about ME, oh heavens, I simply can't express how undeserv--. Really, you're all stand-- Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? Oh, good. Now, Ladies, Gentlemen, it is my great hon-- SIDDOWN! Security! Nobody gets out of the square until I'm finished!
Yes, as I was saying, my brief remarks, this simple introduction of our event, have been my great honor to perform...and now I shall make the presentation, just as soon as the fleet of jets have completed the formation overh---
RUMMMMBLE RUMMMBLE BLASSSTTT ROARRRRRRR THUNNNNNNNDER SWOOOOOOP
My.
Those flyboys are just so fond of me.
They simply insisted...
And now to our purpose. Stand up, PR. Right by me, yes...no, don't get between me and the microphone. Fine, nice, yes. Thanks. You just stand there, I'm still talking.
Ting! Ting!
The alternate spelling and type treatment of the term "bioNic" is hereby dedicated to Ms. P. R., aka Amber, aka The Artist Formerly Known as Twiggy, aka "hon". This public ceremony is conducted in honor of Ms. PR-A-TAFKAT-h because of her energetic, committed, generous, and unflaggingly inspiring contributions to the members of the VESMB, all of whom are likewise offered the new "bioNic" to take home--
Everybody! Look under your chairs! Everybody gets a "bioNic"!
Now, stop squealing and jumping up and down. Everyone must remain in their places. Where is your dignity? PR, don't drop your plaque.
Yes, yes, I suppose you can make a comment, if you want. Make it snappy, I have closing remarks...
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And wait for Jan. 2
Yes, I understand.
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uh........ OH! OW! (you're standing on my foot!!)
uh - thank you. (ahem... cough - cough... damn cigarettes!)
Long live "bioNic"... uh, maybe not... but long live the usage!
Hops et al - I've been protesting for a while that "I'm OK - really". And it's been more or less true, each day. OK - some days, a lot less. I found myself at the hairdressers to buy more goop for my hair - and absolutely no wallets; no cash; no cards. I'm so anal, I NEVER do that.
Then I see my "other" SIL - married to BIL - at the service last weekend and we both lose it and block traffic - babbling a mile a minute... BUT
I feel bouncy, and funny and happy and... oops! I just got flowers again!....
but I will gladly endorse the term "bioNic" for ongoing usage in place of FOO - which only recommends itself from the old joke: if FOO sh#%&s... wear it.
OH - and if anyone's doubting the value of PHamily... I'm hear to tell ya, those are the folks responsible for the fact that I'm still babbling & typing away.... !!!!! I started building PHamily.... oh, about 1970... to replace the moron bioNics.
And I really really like this word, Hops...more later - life calls, AGAIN...
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thanks a bunch hops - more than I can say right now.
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PR, you're totally welcome, hon, and I was really just amusing myself...humor's one of those things that often flops in translation, but I had a fuNNy fantasy anyway!
"bioNic", in my mind, is an adjective, meaning (when fitting), "biological and narcissistic".
So, a bioNic mother is indeed someone's mother, but also a person greatly afflicted by NPD/narcissism, which renders people mechanistic in their emotional lives and ways of relating, as though they came with bionic pumps where others have more vulnerable (and interesting) hearts.
Could be a non-related person, too, such as a bioNic spouse or acquaintance.
I do love words.
xo
Hops
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It's a reaaaal good word for it, too!
I smell Barbie doll plastic, see the metal rods & gears inside... and I know it's going to feel cold and hard; not like a real human at all.
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A Hobug thing...
Gennulman, who along with his sister was an absolute ROCK for me during the terrible 2 years of battle with my brother...is triggering guilt and frustration and I want to handle this honorably and without Nishness. Advice welcome.
For two Christmases, feeling utterly lost, I accepted every invitation from them. For 2 Tgivings, I spent the meal with them (also taking my dear old--95--friend, whom they were delighted to meet, to a large group evening). It was nice. But also a little odd (his sister had a lot of "power" over me until the legal settlement was solved and she is a very forceful person, so it was difficult sometimes). For two Christmases, while he house-sat for his sister (amazing place) -- he invited me to join him there for a peaceful Mas afternoon drawing and listening to music, which at that time, was utterly perfect. I really did enjoy it. I just don't want to continue it.
This year, after the emotional tumult of the year with my D (who does not do anything about holidays, which is more painful than usual because of her behavior this year, but is generally something I've made my peace with) -- I made a proactive decision NOT to make plans for the holidays. Or, to be free to do exactly something I want to do that day (like SPCA dogwalks) or nothing at all, or accept another invitation if one appears. And privately, particularly not to spend them with Gennulman and his sister's family. They have a kind of engulfing nature that I am feeling uncomfortable about, and I just had the sudden feeling that if I didn't put on the brakes, I'd be expected to be their Tgiving stray and his Xmas comfort for the rest of my life. I could sense his growing expectation of me doing these events with him/them months beforehand and I just had a very strong desire to set a boundary around it.
So I did. And courteously. I told him well ahead of time, when he passed on the invite for Tgiving, thank you very much, I appreciate being invited but won't be joining you this year. He sent me an email that started friendly but ended with a snarky criticism about my "retreating into a fetal position". Pissed me off, as I had politely declined. And I know HE wants me to be merged into his life and family in a closer or, more importantly, more codependent way than I feel comfortable with (though I absolutely benefitted from his eagerness to be enmeshed for two years, and so I feel guilty now that I'm trying to pull back).
I finally wrote him a very firm email telling him that holidays were hard enough and I hadn't appreciated the snark, and that I really mean what I say -- I do not want to discuss my feelings about them this year or make any plans.
Last night he invited me to come (if one gambit doesn't work...) for Christmas Eve. I said No (I had called to ask about his back pain, offer to help with a new bed I could get him through some contacts and he just slipped in that invite at the end of the conversation). Anyway, the exact same thing happened. It feels juvenile. He emails me later: I don't understand why you reject spending any time with your FRIENDS. Or maybe I am not one...
It really makes me angry and I think it's a huge boundary problem on both our parts. He "has none" (his own words) and I am setting a very rigid one and feel very guarded and prickly about it. Both of these things are unhealthy. But I feel so invaded by his expectations, and them am very triggered into guilt by his complaints. I get angry at the little "friend tests". This has come up with us over and over. When I am not spending time with him (even though I call and email) he goes through these times of wanting MORE TIME with me (I work full time and freelance, he is unemployed except for occasional work) -- and when he doesn't get it, I get these petulant emails about being a bad friend.
It really triggers me and also makes me recoil. I should probably just back away from this relationship and realize we can't sustain it. On the other hand, he is 90% of the time a wonderful person and I will miss him. So I don't know how to manage it well. He's not going to catch on, I don't think. And we are in the same church community.
Anyway, I left him a voicemail last night saying that I felt we were not doing well in the boundary department, that I had set a clear boundary about the holidays and he was not respecting it, and that I have shown my friendship for him in ways I can and that I am sorry it doesn't satisfy him. I specifically told him I didn't want to receive any more confrontational emails about failing "friend tests".
I think that's probably as clear as I can be with him, but the reason I'm writing here is that every time it comes up, the whole exchange "hooks" me, agitates and upsets me. So I can tell I am not "cured" of the boundary issues. That whole thing of being able to create boundaries that defend one's serenity and peace without any shame or any sense of having to justify them that I described her about a week ago, I think on Deb's thread?
Jeez. I need to do better at it myself. I'll say, I have no trouble TELLING him a boundary, but I do have difficulty not getting upset when he TESTS the boundary. IOW, I feel quite angry when he keeps sort of obsessively returning to it. Part of it is not his fault--something about his wiring means that he is genuinely upset when anything changes. He does NOT like it when a friend or a family member retreats or isn't as close as they were. So he's uncomfortable with ebbs and flows.
I could have more sympathy, except that he retreats into a sort of passive-aggressive position from which he fires snarky little criticisms about being a "real friend" that make me feel guilty (what if i AM an N? Maybe I AM a horrible selfish person?). And that triggers my own boundary/identity fears and I react by withdrawing even further.
My only 3-D friend who totally gets N issues has a simple response: "You just want to not have unhealthy people in your life." Hell, if that were true, I'd never see anybody. But I know what she means--she's particularly sensitive to boundary invasions (her bioNic mother made mine look healthy).
But I hate jettisoning Gennulman. Same time, with the alcoholism, the unreliability (when he's hired for handyman stuff) and the cycle of periodic passive-aggressive snark-remarks...the friendship does feel brittle now. And maybe it has to be over.
I find that sad and disappointing and wish it were otherwise. But I don't see us making any progress and I don't want to be preoccupied with these dramas with him.
Same time, I've been very isolated and he's been a rock. I support him as well, always interested in his wellbeing. Just not willing to be his "default companion" because something about that is despairing.
I think the cure will eventually be to start dating again, and find some hopes for a new relationship in the new year. Perhaps the fact that at one point we seemed to be heading toward romance, and then I veered away when I really faced his drinking issue...means that our transition into "just friends" was foolish. I do remain friends with a few other men with whom it was once something more, but perhaps this is just not a transition that Gennulman can be peaceful about.
He did tell me once that the last woman he was romantically involved with got to a place where she simply wouldn't have anythingn to do with him. I asked why and he said, "It was because I wouldn't leave."
Something underneath that, I can relate to. It's like, feeling he's obsessive (not in an abusive way, just a kind of OCD way) and no matter what you tell him, his reality is one way, and he clutches.
Any thoughts welcome, this is a disjointed ramble. Thanks for your patience!
love,
Hops
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Hops, I don't think you have to justify giving yourself what you need - especially at the holidays; especially as difficult as your year has been. If he keeps pressing - tell him it's your Christmas present to yourself; you're not withdrawing - you're taking a break; and you need to think about "what's next" for you.
His return to the topic after you've said - no change; it's the way I said it was - is a way to make it about him, I think. So to friend tests - I'd reply that a friend would be able to give you the space you need to regroup. But you know me! It doesn't take much for me to grab my shield & sword...
As for dealing with yourself and the feelings that have been triggered - seems you're doing OK with that. You recognized it... and while the feelings are still there they are probably a lot less intense than what you've been through in the past, right? Although, if you're as tired as I think you are... those feelings might get temporarily magnified; I know myself when tired - it's like my "throttle" gets stuck open... and it all hits me at 90 miles an hour.
The "what's next" for Hops is a pretty big step. Lots of things will change... and maybe in new unexpected ways. Taking a "time out" for you, makes absolute sense to me!
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Hi Hops!
I dont know if this is healthy or not, but I really dont get into these kinds of powerplays with people that I GENUINELY like and value because I have learned to not tell the truth. I am amazed and a little uncomfortable with this stance (I have always been scrupulously honest, but I dont think it has served me well all the time). But, in your position, I would have probably said: "I have so enjoyed the last few years and if I could, I would be two places at once. But I have made other plans for this year, so I wont be able to be with you."
Yes, he will probably press, but I would probably be vague about exactly what I was doing except that I would make it a "done deal". Then I could listen to his complaining and snarkiness and act almost sympathetic because we werent going to be together. Because I ALREADY HAD PLANS.
Its difficult for most people to understand that you would rather be ALONE than be with them. And, really, that probably does look like a heavy rejection--very very few people CHOOSE to be alone for Christmas. I understand perfectly why you want to do it, and I dont see any reason why you shouldnt. But I can also see why, if these are good friends, why they dont "get it". Thus the attitude I would strive to get across is regret that I couldnt be two places at the same time.
I dont know if you can backtrack and do that? Or if it is already done. Or if, perhaps, this has been both an opportunity to be alone but also a test as to how deep this friendship is--can it survive your own special Hops-ness that requires understanding in this area? Maybe that's what else you need this year at Christmas.
At any rate, I dont think you need to break off the friendship. At the worst, if the snarkies start, just excuse yourself because you have a cake burning in the oven. After you have done that several times, he may have had time to deal with his feelings. I think he is as trapped in his feelings as he is trying to make you be. Sounds like HUGE abandonment issues.
Love you
CB
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Thank you so much, PR and CB...you both said things that were very valuable and insightful for me and triggered progress in my thinking.
I went to see a couple I'm close to this evening. I adore these folks, and being around them was reinforcing of my instincts to take up sword and shield to defend my boundaries with Gennulman. They both know him and were pretty adamant that I am withdrawing from something unhealthy. She views his alcoholic cycles and codependency as something I can't fix/change, and he says I didn't do anything wrong by making my own choice for how I want to pass Christmas and secondly, that a healty friend would not force guilt and accusation into a space that I already feel fragile/protective about.
We just had a joyful evening talking about everything from families to religion to politics to Christmas to their neighbors and childhoods -- we just range everywhere with great delight and comfort and affection. I realized, in contrast, there's something repressive and restricted with Gennulman, because he is so needy and covertly demanding and because I can lapse into voicehoggery and entitlement with him--that I don't have that kind of feeling of discovery and growth enjoyment with him.
When I leave them I feel like a better version of myself. When I leave him, I feel drained and don't like myself much. I am not feeling respectful of him and I don't like that. I think it's because we're not well suited to being close or intimate in a sustained way, and my boundaries are rigid and, as he says, his are nonexistent.
CB, I do know what you mean about sometimes recognizing the larger wisdom of falsifying a bit, for decorum and comfort's sake (perhaps it's really just your wise understanding that often grace needs to be beyond literal--bigger than that). That is EXACTLY true about my current relationship with my D. In order to maintain it and give it space and time to become better, because loving and staying ready for her that is a near-absolute value for me, I will suppress all sorts of present truths. (I do know we need in any relationship, even a non-critical one, to offer each other shelter from starkness and forgiveness of failings so we continually see each others' best selves--just...compassion.)
But I've also been a champ at denial in my past, and in staying in eutrophic relationships when i shouldn't. With Gennulman, especially just now after being with friends with whom there is such ease and acceptance/respect...I am not feeling that this is what's being asked. I think my not being very direct with him feeds a kind of disrespect that continues to cycle to the surface with boundary invasions and passive-aggressive jabs that are not only unpleasant but not healthy to tolerate. (I could make all the "gee, what a shame, I'm already busy" kinds of feints but that would to nothing to stop his jabs. There's a healing part of me that is just saying, No. I do not have to submit to this in order to have a good friend. There are more friends in the world for me.
I think the brutal truth is that I was needy and fearful and quite dependent during the 2 years of legal nightmare with my brother, Gennulman was new in town and feeling very needy to be needed after ending his period of homelessness (the first night we spoke he spontaneously said of himself, "I am a raging codependent") and I benefited enormously from the collision of his codependence with my need for support. As did he, honestly...as I did a loy to give him confidence and support as he was trying to become integrated into the church community and likewise, support his own family in some things they were going through. But the dynamic (particularly my dependence on--and some fear of--his dominating sister) also fed off weaknesses in each of us and created a pattern that is not sustainable for a healthy friendship. I think if I keep up fictions with him, it will be a draining and unhappy relationship.
I'm getting selfish enough, and my energy and time are both so limited...that I just don't want to make that kind of commitment. To "maintain the space" (even with white lies) for my child is worth enduring the guardedness and watchfulness that it is taking, to see where we evolve to.
With Gennulman, though I will do want to continue to cherish him as a member of my "beloved community" and always be grateful for his support...I can't keep this act up. I don't want to. I'm finding it exhausting to go through repeated spats over his wanting more than I can give if I'm going to thrive. So for that reason, I want to say NO, rather than make up stories to avoid it.
(I am glad you posited what you did, CB, because my response to it really surprised me!)
I think he's beginning an old spiral of spending his evenings in bars, has abandoned all dreams of becoming regularly employed (and he's younger than I) or self-sufficient, and his passive attitudes about his health or any goals -- plus the active alcoholism -- are just not things I want to keep grappling with. As we were first getting to know each other, my old pattern reared of thinking loving a person -- as an external source -- can get them to love and change themselves. I don't believe that any more. I'll continue to love him in the agape way. With compassion but hopefully, without caretaking.
But this time he pushed once too hard, and the passive-aggressive snark really sets me off. If it were once or twice, sure. But it's been half a dozen times and I think since our path swerved away from a romantic commitment, despite his insistence that he was just fine adapting...he has never been able to respect my choice. His resentment is always lurking. And truthfully, I'm sick of it.
Tonight I was telling my couple friends that I feel guilt because I DID benefit so much from Gennulman's involvement in my life and how I now feel the need to pull away and particularly don't want to be ungulfed by his family, which feels toxic. My friend's hubby (well he's also my friend) said I should not have to "sell my soul" to "pay back" a kindness, and that if it really was a gift of friendship there would not be a series of ongoing demands in "payment".
Thank you both again. I needed your counsel and reaction and I really appreciate it a lot.
lots of love,
Hops
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Hops, what a benefit Gennulman's friendship has been for you.
Even the upsetting snarky stuff has brought insights and perspective.
It's OK to love Gennulman from a distance, or move beyond that friendship.
It's OK to love him the way you need to love him, even though he's unhappy and causing discomfort.
He's where he needs to be, and you're where you need to be..... though it feels alien and strange to say "No", and mean it.
It's OK.
I'm so glad you have RL friends who validate your feelings and provide healthy fellowship.
Your evening with the couple sounded lovely.
Lighter
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Hops,
That was perfect. Someone else to talk you through the maze of the friendship--people who know you both. That's just perfect.
I think these kinds of things happen all the time. I think that codependent people can often make the best comforters when there's a need, but we struggle to give up that role when it is no longer needed. I am so codependent...I will admit it. I understand you both.
I am immensely grateful once again to this board for a place to spill out what is troubling us and get encouragement to examine it all and come up with our own best solutions.
Love
CB
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the passive-aggressive snark ...
Two words: hydrogen peroxide!
(these bites can get infected easily - follow with anti-bioNic).
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Izzy...”That is some undertaking after 54 years!”
Best
Christmas
gift
for
you
ever!
KUDOS!
Hops (been there)
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Thank you, Lighter. You're right, it is okay.
So much caretaker-guilt got triggered by it...if I think about it, that's exactly how Nmom controlled me all those years. Constant little messages that conveyed: You're not being a good-enough daughter and I want MORE atteNtion. Nothing's enough! And with Gennulman, it's you're not being a good-enough friend (despite lots of attention). He's not an N, but he certainly is using the same communication technique...passive aggression...that she did.
Vewy, vewy twiggewing.
(Izz, I was responding to your Member Stories update...which you'll get, of course. Just thought I'd plop it here.)
And PR-- har! :lol: Good one. And it's a noun, too!
love to everybody,
Hops
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Hey Hops,
I had once posted a link for an article:: Narcissim in a bottle. Living with addiction is like living with narcissism.
Of course you were triggered. Of course you are familiar. And he is not N but he does have an addiction.
He is alright 90 percent of the time ...so what's the other 10 percent?
I see that 10 percent....You. A healthy you. I am your friend. I am not your addiction. I will resepct my boundaries and enforce them.
It's not you not being a good enough friend. His friend is his bottle (and in the bottle) floats narcissism even if he's not an N.
Know what I mean, Hoppy?
You get it. He don't.
Don't feel guilty. You have been a good friend. You have understood (Narcissism) and you (are understanding) narcissism in a bottle (even if he's not a true narcissist)
feels like living with narcissism, right?
If I am way off track here....Just slap me.
Love
Deb
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thanks, Deb...I looked at it again.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-tian-dayton/narcissism-in-a-bottle-th_b_249418.html
My friend is so mild-mannered and unassuming most of the time (he describes himself as selfless --not at all concerned about his own life--and really, in many ways that's true). Most of the time he is content as long as he has something to do...volunteers for everything at church and seems very comforted every time he's asked to do something--reports it in great detail. I almost have gotten the sense that it reassures him that he exists, but if something external isn't arranged so he can say, "I am the volunteer for this, I am the person who does that", he sinks again. Back to the bars.
It doesn't help that he lost his driver's license years ago, so his social circle is greatly affected by location. He can walk to his sister's and to the church (and at a longer walk, to my place). But he limits himself that way. If someone wanted to hire him, they have to fetch him and provide the tools.
He's not abusive. But I do think that clutching and nasty resistance to me not going along with his mental image that we should be together during holidays is, in a very passive way, pretty aggressive. (D'oh!)
So we all have our labels, like old slippers (I have an alphabet of them too) -- his are a mix of alcoholism, maybe a mild form of Asperger's, some OCD, and I'm not sure what else.
I feel sad for him but I do realize that despite the good moments and feelings, it has become toxic. So...I'm letting go. I'll continue to care for him in the context of being a fellow member of a church community, but I'm not going to try to be his close pal any more. Tuition's too high.
Thanks, Deb.
love to you,
Hops
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Time to say yes to healthier things, Hops.
So..... what's the latest in your brother's bid for your home, contents and access to inner sanctum?
Last I remember, he wasn't to come in the house, but I can't tell if that's wishful thinking or really happened.
Lighter
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It's all over but the sale, Lighter (which may take a loooong while), and his stuff was shipped.
He didn't even come to town.
whew,
Hops
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Whoo hoo.
So glad you didn't have to endure his violation of sacred space.
I hope finalizing the deal brought some peace.
Light
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So, Hops....
there is a whole universe of "what's next", isn't there? choices, choices, choices...
I hope you're able to take your time making them, listening for that small compass voice within to find a direction that's a great fit for you. I hope you're able to breathe in the change-energy of winter - the cold, crisp clean ice & snow & wind (I keep thinking of Andrew Wyeth's winter paintings) that sweeps away the clutter from last year (mental, emotional, leaves) and starts to draw toward you the soft, warming, greening up of spring and another abundant creative "flowering".
You've been on "pause"; dealing with your mom's passing, and all the details & drama that brought... your D and the changes in that area... still outward/other focussed... while you concentrated on the necessities of life, for yourself. WHEW! That's a lot, huh? And it's all still rolling along... pretty well complete... some more to go yet... almost there.
So, I wonder what's next in "Hops' Great Adventure"? You talked at one time, about trying to find another job - is that still something that makes sense? I know you like to travel - any plans (near or far in time)? Something new sounding like it might be fun to try? Have you had a chance to sit with the question: what do I want? It's an interesting exercise, because you'd think there are going to be answers... clear, definite, specific answers... like when one was younger. Maybe your answers will be clear. Mine are fuzzy, indistinct, teasing/tempting... without any clear "hook" of connection in them. Like the dream I had of aisles and aisles in a supermarket of blank canvases of all different sizes, depths and shapes. That was all - just shopping, not buying. The kind of stuff that makes ya go "huh"... or "whodathunk it"? ya know...
I get the sense that a bunch of things are completing for you... which means of course, that another whole batch is getting ready to launch... so I wondered if you had any idea what this might be yet.
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Have you had a chance to sit with the question: what do I want?
Thank you a lot for this, PR...it's exactly what I need to be doing more of. I think having you remind me, reminded me that I do not need permission to think about this! (Sounds weird, I know.) But it was important to read that. I often need help with the obvious. (One signifier of some of the grief and depression issues for me has been, or so I told my T, I am having trouble being interested in my own life.)
But when I do care and do connect with my own life force, the question is essential. YES, I want a different job. The disrespect, entrenched sexism, ongoing exclusion from advancement (despite record profits) and most especially the climate of worship-the-guru generated by my Nboss -- these are not things I want to expend my last working energies in, until I go facedown in my keyboard at 75.
I am doing things about it. Will report more later.
But thank you for the reminder that to sit with "What do I want?" is where it all begins. Amazing how much noisy surf in my head can prevent me from asking the question -- or giving up on asking it believing the answers will be inaudible.
Not so. I need to try and try again.
xo
Hops
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Well, yer most welcome Hops!
I'm going through asking myself the same thing. Maybe we'll compare notes later, in another thread.
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Thanks, PR.
This is a tough time. All my brave measures flop at times and I just feel decked.
Ah well.
I will rally, I know that.
xo
Hops
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I'm coming to the conclusion - though it's taking a very long time - that the idea that one can dream up a "plan" and execute it exactly as designed - is an N-illusion that's pretty common. A plan is more a compass point... and the destination we're seeking is the journey itself. But the journey can't be the "be all - end all" either... somewhere in there is us; noticing, appreciating, resting, lending a hand, sharing a kindness... for no other reason that we're taking up space on the planet with others who are, too.
So there's room for randomness, surprises, "unintended consequences", etc.
Keeps it all interesting, huh?
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(though I absolutely benefitted from his eagerness to be enmeshed for two years, and so I feel guilty now that I'm trying to pull back).
I know yo wrote this some days ago but I read this sentence and stopped right there to comment.
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. This is a boundary issue - pure and simple. You are setting boundaries which you were NEVER allowed "en famile". You feel guilt because you were trained to feel guilt when you drew your boundaries instinctively I suspect.
Let me share something with you that happened just today. It was so illustrative of just this point.
My little boy and i stopped by my mother's briefly on our way to meet a friend for lunch. She said, as she often says, in a passive aggressive way that I cannot convey via words, (to my child) "Are you going to give me a kiss." He begrudgingly complied and came outside angry. He felt forced. I told him that he had permission to say, "not right now" and keep on trucking. I explained that she had just crossed his boundaries and was inducing guilt but that guilt did not belong to him and he had every single right to say, "no", politely but firmly.
You and I and so many others simply were not given that permission nor that insight or understanding. You are drawing that for yourself and you have every single right to say "No" and NOT feel the guilt that you were taught to feel when you draw yoru appropriate boundaries.
Thinking of you. - GS
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Jeez. I need to do better at it myself. I'll say, I have no trouble TELLING him a boundary, but I do have difficulty not getting upset when he TESTS the boundary. IOW, I feel quite angry when he keeps sort of obsessively returning to it. Part of it is not his fault--something about his wiring means that he is genuinely upset when anything changes. He does NOT like it when a friend or a family member retreats or isn't as close as they were. So he's uncomfortable with ebbs and flows.
I could have more sympathy, except that he retreats into a sort of passive-aggressive position from which he fires snarky little criticisms about being a "real friend" that make me feel guilty (what if i AM an N? Maybe I AM a horrible selfish person?). And that triggers my own boundary/identity fears and I react by withdrawing even further.
I have these thoughts. (Still haven't read past this post so you may have some great or even similar suggestions or thoughts.) I think you are doing very, very well on the boundary stuff. your's are very clear to you and you are trying to make them clear to him. As you said he said - he has none. He (having none) wants you to have none and you having none of it are getting a 2 year old passive aggressive tantrum from him. You having been raised by a perpetually 2 year old tantruming bioNic are getting triggered by his guilting behavior. Perhaps it would be possible to use these interactions with him as a sort of lab in which you can practise experiencing this 2 year old, boundaryless passive agressive stuff and not reacting as strongly to it or reacting differently to it or even imagining what a nurturing mother might do to help you deal with a boundaryless person. or you can just ignore my muddlings which is a good choice as well. lol.
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Thank you, GS -- I really appreciate your strong recognition of where all those feelings came from. You are completely right. Knowing they are triggered by the past helps me let them go so, hopefully, I can catch up to being more in the present.
BTW, my blood BOILS when I see adults "demand" hugs or kisses from reluctant or uninterested children. To me it's a first step in the long cultural process of dismantling the wholeness of a child and beginning their brainwashing into all sorts of unhealthy roles and reflexes as we do in this culture. I LOVE it when a parent just tells the child calmly and directly IN FRONT OF THE OTHER ADULT, "I know XX has just asked you for a hug or kiss but that is up to you." Every damn time.
(Without drama or shaming the other adult--as they're just following a script, not intending anything malicious...just acting out the usual child-doesn't-own-its-own-body reflex everyone is taught in this culture.)
And thank you for the support in my thoughts about my friend. The fact is, just as he has no boundaries, I have put up a rigid one now. Though it's an end to a 2-year thing, it's been coming. I haven't seen or talked to him and though I felt (and will again I am sure) some loss, what I feel mostly is relief. It really was not a healthy relationship for me to be "parked" in so much of the time, it is constricting and repetitive and suffocating. It became more depressing and frustrating to me the longer it went on unchanged, and there was no change possible. I also did a lot of unhealthy dependency stuff and could feel myself, like quicksand, not dealing with stuff because I could talk (and talk) to him about it instead. Still is a struggle to act in my own best interests.
As far as relationships go, I'm starting to acknowledge to myself that maybe in the new year I would like to create the space for some new person, new discovery, new partnership. Gennulman would've become like a permanent default (the struggle over my Xmas independence was a harbinger of that) -- not healthy for him for me to enable him or be so dependent on him, and not healthy for me to tell myself, I must accept all his issues because the alternative is being too alone.
I do feel too alone right now but I also know that could change. I am relieved to have let this situation go. I won't be "practicing" with him, because I feel as though I'm happier having actually moved on...kind of brutal and I am sure he is feeling upset. I do not like the idea of his suffering but I also don't think he is receptive to doing anything new.
On my end, I'm isolating. But I have also been reaching out to other people, in the space I used to automatically fill with him. I think I need to do this. He has so abandoned his own life that he at times felt like an undertow...
love,
Hops
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You see - you are drawing excellent boundaries.
My hat is off to you!
That is so healthy - and so difficult and the price of loneliness in drawing boundaries actually is a temporary therapeutic pain that promises better relationships in the future. Here's a "cheers" to you! ;D
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thank you GS!
Interesting to just read what you wrote...this weekend I saw an appropriate job posting, this morning I called to find out the deadline for applying and it was today, I had a meeting with Nboss I couldn't miss at 9am, I didn't know what to do...
So I dug deep and made a plan. Wrote work that I'd be in for the meeting but leaving afterward as I didn't feel well (true: I don't feel well about the prospect of staying stuck there...and have had trouble sleeping and staying healthy as a result...). Wrote the prospective workplace promising to have my application in by the end of the day...
Went to work, did the meeting, came home, completed the interminably complicated online application a half-hour before the end of the day, sent it in (got confirmation they'd received it from a very nice HR woman who promised to forward it immediately to those doing the hiring).
All this detour is to say that because I think, as distressed as I've been in my current job, if I were still feeling "hooked" with Gennulman -- I would have let the new opportunity go by perhaps, and not taken action in time to have a chance at it. Because I would've been mournfully talking or writing to him.
If I get it or don't get it that's really okay. What mattered was that I applied. It's a total antidote to hopelessness. (Action, I mean.)
love
Hops
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My fingers and toes are going to cramp from being crossed for you, Hops! :D
I so hope you're catching a wave of positive change and climbing up on that surf board...
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Yes yes yes.
Action=Feeling better
You're absolutely right, Hops: )
Light
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Whew.
It's over.
One of my worst ever, as well (with my D mostly estranged). Tried SO hard to gear up in advance to be boundaried against it all and unaffected but it seems I can't be, completely. So I rode the surf and not successfully but I think...that's okay. There is just no way to stop the tsunami of sorrows the holidays can trigger. One can help each other a bit, but there you go, it just is what it is, and maybe there's no more point fighting it than there is in trying to prevent winter from being winter. So if there is sorrow, maybe the real holiday job is to feel it. I sure did.
On Christmas Eve I felt the MOST pitiful. Went outside and raked leaves for an hour or so. Found myself looking around at my neighbors' houses and thinking nasty bitter thoughts. (Since the For Sale sign went up not one of them has bothered to speak to me about it, and I'm saying to myself, yeah, there you are in your super-Christian pious little families, and here you have a neighbor who is so lonely and isolated she feels heartbroken and you don't even bother to say one word like, I'm sorry you have to move? After nearly 50 years? Working myself up to a really righteous little pity party. Sob. Hating my stupid f-ing neighbors for not caring.)
Five minutes after I came in the door the most rigidly religious one was ringing my doorbell. She hands me some cookies and says, Are you alone this Christmas? I didn't mean to but I teared up and said, My family is not what it once was. And thanked her. I went upstairs and the bell rang again and she was back, inviting me, very sincerely, to join them for Christmas dinner. I was very touched, cried even harder. She came in and saw the one empty room (stuff shipped to my brother). I guess she noticed how sort of bleak it might feel. I told her I had tentative plans with a friend but would call her.
I did have plans, and didn't want to go there--and called Xmas Day to thank her for the thought--but it meant a LOT to me that she noticed, and invited me. I will remember her warmly. She is real.
That evening at the last minute I called another friend and offered her a ride to the Xmas Eve service, which I hadn't thought I'd go to. It wasn't awful. Singing's always nice, sitting among my PHamily is always good. Candlelight Silent Night out under the stars is lovely. So I'm glad I went. But it was noticeable (and scary) to me that later that night, my thoughts went to old age, and the way things are with my D (for now anyway, only messages are when she wants something and she never asks how I am, seems purely indifferent to my life) -- I got into a state of fear about being old, alone, or even abused perhaps. So I was Googling the night away and found myself reading about the Hemlock Society. Fascinating, and I suppose empowering. But still, spending an hour or so learning how to do oneself in (should I ever want to) was a pretty clear indication of how hard the holidays can be. (I hear you, Bones.) A friend a month or so ago had written me that the aunt of a friend of hers, very old and with Parkinson's, had driven her scooter chair into the pool, on purpose. To drown herself.
That reading session passed but it disturbed me. I do not want to go there again. Kind of a wakeup call to how bad pain can get and how much I intend to live a life that does not leave me that isolated again. Need a better plan for next year and I will make one.
Christmas Day I had vague plans with the same girlfriend I did Tgiving with this year. We decided to be Jewish for the day and do Chinese food and a movie. Went really well! Found a nice Chinese buffet and then went to a TERRIFIC movie--True Grit. Highly recommend it. She is in touch with some relatives, and has some friends. But she was rocked, earlier in the week, with her own tsunami. So I'm really glad we could steady each other. She has also trained for the SPCA dog walking.
Today...I need to edit my freelance work so as soon as I stop playing here, I will go do that.
I am very glad in spite of all the anguish that I did not do the holiday with Gennulman. He will never understand, but I knew that I needed to spend a lot of time alone, and what time I did spend with people with friends who would not emphasize that "I am flotsam" melancholy that he exudes. He turned up at the service and I'm sure was surprised to see me (we had talked for a half hour earlier but I didn't mention my plans, because he would think we should do that "together" and I don't WANT to be his holiday "date"...it's just even mustier and sadder than it was to feel my own clean pain with my other friends around me, who are not tugging at me to fill their holes when I'm working to repair my own, if that makes any sense.)
Thank god it's over for another year. Ho-bug doesn't even begin to express it.
love to everybody,
Hops
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Thanks, Hops.
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Hops, m'dear...
I read your post yesterday and it touched me so, that I decided to wait to respond. I would've flailed around tryin' to "fix" you and made a total muddle of things!
So, I think you spent your time wisely. The small voice wouldn't be denied it's grieving for the way life turns out and you had time to let it run it's course. So it ran to some extremes... I find mine does; it's almost an essential characteristic of it. In at least one way, I heard how, in your description, you are coming around to facing one possible future. But, we gotta keep reminding those small voices that they're (in fear of &) obsessing on only one of those future possibilities - life is very, very random; miracles DO occur (at least things so unexpected they appear to be miracles); and no matter how much we learn, think we know, and sit with the quiet creative void.... we STILL can't predict the future. It's a miracle that any plans "come together" and maybe that's why it's so temporarily satisfying when it appears that they are coming togehter. Temporary, because it then takes work to maintain the new status quo....
... your D is doing what she needs to do - separate; individuate from "mom". That is a good thing, really. The way she's doing it isn't so good; and perhaps there is some truth to the N-DNA being passed on. It's not YOUR DNA. If she did get that tendency... then the "mom" that you were, the relationship you used to have with D, went a long, long way to mitigating the Nism rather than exacerbating it or enhancing it. We - as moms - can always look back and find things that we could've done, been differently; but I believe (so that I can live with myself) that we can't look back with the knowledge and life-wisdom we have now and judge ourselves in the past, from that perspective. Sometimes, I hear the small voice start to wail: "if only...... I had known....". And I have to give it a firm, but gentle shake! There's no WAY we can judge ourselves back then, from where we sit now. Even if we can state as fact and own the responsibility for what we did and who we were then... even if we acknowledge our failings...
... we were at various stages of coming out of the bubbles of N-deceptions, projections, gaslighting and warpedness; for myself I had no idea who I was (since I'd been schooled so thoroughly in who I was supposed to be). It's not fair - from where we sit now - to go back and blame our past selves for not being us now. FACT: it's who we were then that helped make us what we are now. [OK - so it's a quasi-emotional fact. And convoluted and perhaps self-soothing... excusing even.] But I just can't sit by and watch someone I care about, who's got so much to give and who is so much fun.... ultimately, blame herself for the life-handicap of having grown up in a dysfunctional FOO. BAH!!! Who SAYS this is fair??? [OK - maybe I can't help myself trying to "fix" Hops... sigh!!]
There is still a lot of life to live - when the role of "mom" isn't full-time anymore; when that's been lifted. Even MIL - who found ways to extend that role to many other people in her life; different ways of "mothering" (even in politics) - even she explored options in life that she found herself free, and able to pursue for the first time. MIL grew up with the idea that once a mom, always a mom and that it was her raison d'etre. But she also lived through the same times we have and all the changes to women's lives - and she relished many of those changes and capitalized on them - for herself. Without sacrificing what made her "mom".
"Momhood" is just a role and there is the familiarity of the role that I think many of us don't want to relinquish. So don't. Find a way to fulfill that motivation somewhere else in life - maybe the pups, even. Maybe in a new job - or new role & job... new friends... ....... knowing what you know now about Hops; about what is important to you and what you desire to explore next.... start putting as much time into sitting with the future; with trying to "feel" your way to a new path and what it will consist of (staying open to changes of course due to miracles/surprises/unexpected)...
...as much time as you have done already, chewing on & processing the past.
It's where I've come to, too. There is very little useful left in trying to dissect, parse, grok, and analyze what's already gone before. It's a "re-run" and getting boring. And the more time I give to that - the less time I have for the future and the here & now. And it's my here & now that needs energy and attention... or I'm going to have something ELSE to hang on the Past hook of "things to understand and sort out later".
Ya know?
Love to you! and white healing light... or in tibetan healing, that would be orange/red light...
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Thanks, (((((((PR)))))...for your support and insights.
These days I try not to focus on a possible diagnosis of my D (that increases the emotional difficulty for me). Just try to deal with each communication in a healthy way for us. I certainly am glad she moved away and is differentiating. I have no nostalgia for enmeshment whatsoever. It's a long way from enmeshment to being able to call a parent on Christmas, though.
I am feeling whatever the feelings are, which are of course a little more difficult the first Xmas since she was here and we hit bottom. It's not just the losses related to her and the poignancy of a family-free holiday, though. I believe the grieving I'm doing is about a cumulative sense of loss this year: loss of brother finalized legally (don't miss him of COURSE but it means with him gone, so are the SIL, nieces and nephews--none of whom I'd have picked out to bond with, but all of whom I enjoyed being connected to--and also the other side of the family he alienated from me), my 95 y/o friend, my dog, and soon, my home. Quite a season.
But you are so right about being open to the possibility of good things happening. My "old self" was quite an optimist, my "older" self has perhaps veered too sharply into pessimism, so in the New Year I'll be looking for more balance.
I applied for another job this week, got some freelance editing done, and did get through it all, with friendship around me too. (One closer friend says I'm coming to their feast next year, and I won't argue!) I've also been thinking of online dating a bit in the New Year, making space for that.
I do not plan to spend another year wallowing in losses, but I feel okay that this is what it was this Christmas. I mean, they are real, and they've affected me. I will get through it, but it may take a little longer. I know that untangling from Gennulman meant I was even grieving that, although I feel absolutely certain it was the right thing to do. Something was damp and drowning in that relationship and rising to the surface to surf alone some (wailing and all) was what needed to happen or I'd sink into a defeated, oh-it's-all-hopeless kind of thing I think he lives by in his addiction.
I think the role of "motherhood" is sliding past and I can make my peace with that, sure...right now the role of "abused worker" is really harder to carry. The boss is having new fits of guru-ness and when he's stressed, he acts out by grinding away at me, and subtly--but publically--belittling and devaluing me. My good coworker spotted it at our last meeting and came up to me sort of horrified, announcing he was going to say something to the boss about how do you expect motivated people when you make clear your contempt for their expertise? (I told him I was grateful but it was nothing new, and the blowback, if boss is criticized, would be on me. So I hope he doesn't go there.)
Working on that, too. I am going to continue to look for another job and new opportunity.
Gotta go, get in a quick walk...
love,
Hops
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start putting as much time into sitting with the future; with trying to "feel" your way to a new path and what it will consist of (staying open to changes of course due to miracles/surprises/unexpected)...
yes
yes
yes
and thanks again, (((PR))))!
xo
Hops
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(((Hopsy)))
So sorry the holidays are hard.
You're amazing, my friend.
Lighter
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Thanks, Lighter.
Hope you've ridden your surf well too, and especially the girls...
Whew.
New Year coming!
Hops
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Thanks, Hops.
We're hanging in there..... the girls really enjoyed seeing their cousins.
Lots of snow, fires and coco this holiday season.
To a New Year: )
Lighter
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Dearest Hops,
Thank you Thank you for your honest and heartfelt emotions. Although sad they rang with the strength of a good solid bell. Grief is like a dinosaur that gets its head in its mouth and throws you around. You are brave and lovely and rare to sit with your grief and not go to the bar and pick up some loser to drown your feelings.
I am encouraged and heartened by your confessions of how miserable Christmas can be if you are alone. i was too depressed to go to the Computer and see how things were going with you. The reality is that if you are distanced from your daughter and not plugged into a strong support system it can be Hell. Worse than hell. I will not lapse into fixing it for you. There is something meaningful and soul strengthening in being with those feelings and letting them wash over you, however painful that is. Probably only one in five hundred thousand people have the guts to do this. I think that is why you are such an empathic, deep, insightful and courageous person. You aren't always drowning out the music of you soul with frivolity and distractions.
Thanks for sharing your feelings. They sure resonated with me this year. I was very sad because I am so far away from my daughter in every way. And far away from my granddaughter. These feelings will move on in their way just like the clouds part and the wind blows. The price of love is so steep.
I am trying to say that your feelings are precious to me and I am there with you to hold your hand and accept you just the way you are. Christmas really sucked this year. I could have gone around beavering away to fill it up and I did some of that, but I stayed with my feelings a lot too, and slept and dreamed. Thank goodness Christmas is over.
Love,
Sea storm
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Thank you, ((((((Seastorm))))) -- and back at you.
Did anybody ever tell you you are a poet?
Your writing moved me and your metaphors are wonderful.
Christmas is like the Jurassic Park of emotion...
And spring will come to those who do not deny the power of TRex.
(Of course, I'm often busy persuading myself it's a Guernsey, which backfires...)
Courage to you too, and faith in your future. It is not yet written.
love,
Hops
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uh..... 'scuse me...... (mumble mumble)..... can I butt in here, a minute?
Sea, you said the price of love is steep. Granted, that taking the risk to love makes us vulnerable to being hurt so badly we curl up into ourselves like turtles into a shell... and we'd just as soon stay there & never take that risk again...
... but if we can shift the emphasis or focus just a bit - we can also propose (a what if) that taking the risk to love doesn't cost a thing and that the loving itself, is it's own reward. It's only when there is an expectation or desire for reciprocity or a condition set on the love... that we hurt. At least, that's the understanding of it that I've learned - through my own grief-history and through grieving my MIL. [and YES; there are primary relationships that we naturally expect to have reciprocity of this feeling in....]
It's like, if we can center and ground ourselves in the love itself - the feeling permeates us - we are a channel for it and also benefit from it. No matter the response from the target of the love, you know? We can send love to those we love - even without asking for a return; sort of like sending Reiki "white light" energy... and we also experience the love we are sending. It feels like the balm of comfort.....
Maybe I'm just wacked out crazy, but to me love is one of the universal energies - just like gravity or electromagnetism. It's all around us, all the time - like our atmosphere.... and oh yeah, all the other things too; some not nearly so pleasant. We can tune our hearts & minds to "seek" for that love wavelength of energy spectrum... and when we find it... relax into it. Our private little love-heart chakra or whatever. I don't know what to call it, really.
And sometimes, in this place - we wail and cry and grieve, only to purge ourselves of what is keeping us from hearing and feeling that love-energy. Turtle shells don't let us connect to that energy, I've found.
Now, if I can figure out how to do this... while going about all the other things I do all the time (emotional multi-tasking???)... and not losing the "frequency" to static and interference... well, I'll let you know!! :)
I for one, am grateful for all the "momming" that gets done here - for me personally, and I also benefit from the "momming" we do for each other, too. It feels good.
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Thought I'd look up my older threads on holidays and it was so meaningful to read this one. Ten years ago!
SO much to be grateful for this year and part of it is knowing that life moves forward and we're still here.
Whatever form your happiness may take this week and for the rest of the year, may it leaves good seeds in its wake.
Hope all that brings hope and splashes of joy, small or large, will come to all of you, and more than once.
Much love,
Hops
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Wow, Hops, I went back to the beginning of this, I will have to re-read it all as only did the first page but aw, it was nice to see Izzy, and I was amazed to see myself on here - I've been on here ten years??!! Genuinely would not have thought it was that long, how amazing. Yes, I am eternally grateful to have this space and all of you.
Happiness for me was sneaking out early this morning with sweets for the neighbours' kids and leaving them on the doorsteps for them, followed by a long walk in almost absolute silence. Very little traffic, the air is really crisp, the stars were out and I could hear the birds singing. That was lovely. Pressies are wrapped, son is currently asleep in bed and yesterday my phone was delivered - I have finally entered the age of the smart phone (second hand, of course, but I want to work out how to use it so that I can check apps for son and then see whether trying to convince him to put them on his own phone is a good idea). Son, bless him, has told me he'll show me how to download stress relieving games and teach me how to play them so that I don't get stressed all the time :) I try to hide it but it obviously shows!
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Hi all,
I just did my annual re-read of this thread and it hit me like a truckfull of bricks how incredibly y'all held me above water during an excruciating season. So many years ago...12+...and what a massive, MASSIVE difference each voice here made in my life. Y'all lifted me up for a good gulp of real air over and over.
Sad past subjects or not, I finished re-reading this thread with a smile on my face and real joy in my heart.
THANK YOU to every one of you, thither and yon...Happy EVERYTHING.
Much love,
Hops
PS --- Once a decade, about, I send a vaguely New Year's card. I was really happy with this one: for under $10 I ordered 2 doz. prints of a really special pix of Pooch curled up in sunbeams (plus an 8x10 for later, to go on my bedroom wall). I already had a box of nice-cardstock blank cards I'd gotten online for $20. Glued prints on the fronts carefully, wrote a Happy Everything message, and have them ready for the mail carrier tomorrow. Felt great!
Wish I could mail them to all of you. Happy Everything.
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Thank you, too, Hops, for all you have done for the people on this message board!
As always,
Richard
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And Happy Hanukkah to you and yourn, Doc G!
I hope you're doing well and will stay warm and full of peace.
love and gratitude,
Hops
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Since we've begun to embrace Yule around here, instead of Christmas - the holidays are much easier to bear. Yule begins today - the Solstice. And the light of day will start lasting long now through spring. There is still February to get through (tough as it is) but I'll have seedlings sprouting by then. :D
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I love that idea!
YULE!
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I feel such relief today! Always very glad that Xmas is behind us, and I enjoy this week a lot, the buildup to the New Year. Not particularly rationally, but I tap into positive hopeful feelings this time of year.
(I wrote somewhere that the Russkies should view the big Zs on their equipment as standing for: "Zelensky's." His speech was a big bawling highlight for me last week.)
Had a nice visit at a friend's today, sipping my fave microbrew and just yakking about church stuff and general home projects and this and that. Came home after the cleaner and felt my regular bottomless gratitude that this gentle woman makes my home sparkle 2x/month, doing things my back won't let me do. I gave her a huge bonus with the Pooch card and that made me happy. Her too.
Xmas itself was (to me, humorously) a near-pinnacle of pitiful because of my poor planning. Xmas Eve I planned after I fetched an Rx at the pharmacy, to go by a favorite restaurant and pick up 2 of their fabulous veggie quesadillas (one for Xmas Eve dinner and one for Xmas day's) which they'd fiddle to half cheese/double vegs...and they had closed the kitchen early. Duh, shoulda thoughta that. So never mind, I tells me resilient self, we'll fetch burritos at the Mexican place and...they were closed. Wound up eating drugstore pretzels for Xmas Eve dinner which was so stupid I laughed. Xmas Day I found a good Chinese restaurant open for delivery, and it was yum. So it all worked out. But I'm planning ahead for next year! I find I can do fine without custom or celebration, but not without some special food!
All in all, another December soon bites the dust and I'm so looking forward to January. There's no "new normal" yet and I'm not sure there ever will be. So learning to roll with it and remind myself I ain't the center of anything, is helpful. Big strides on that. Had a meeting today at the faboo condo of the Pres of the local Village nonprofit I'm VP of, and enjoying. She's driven, I'm in her wake but being as productive as I can. I enjoy brainstorming and planning with her for the course on Aging in Place we're team-teaching at the U. (continuing ed org) this spring.
Meanwhile, I'm warm, safe, and lucky. Pooch is dozing under her "christmas blankie" at the foot of the bed...my friends all loved the card w/ the photo of her in the sunbeams captioned "light in winter" and I feel lucky, alive, well, fortunate and though the word's been annoyingly trademarked by others, blessed.
hugs y'all,
Hops
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Sunshine streaming in and temps in the 60s today. After the bomb cyclone stretch it feels like a miracle, although it shouldn't be this warm.
Visited neighbors yesterday for a stretch, they are such nice people. They go to Italy a lot and she wanted to show me their Xmas tree, photos from the trip, etc. And feed me things I shouldn't sit next to. It was fun and made me feel good. Dunno why it took so long for us to get to know each other better. Her hub's a really good guy who volunteers to help people make health insurance decisions about Medicare, gap policies, all that. I skipped his review during open enrollment this year but asked him if we could do it again in a year.
He's one I'd really like to interest in being on our board (our local chapter of vtvnetwork.org). One thing we need to accomplish is to recruit volunteers in their 60s if possible. We'll arrange social events for them and if they're making friends and enjoying it, it'll grow naturally. They can ask for services for themselves and be both "members" (folks needing help) AND volunteer for others. That'll be true for anybody who joins. You can give and receive and by the time you're st whatever your own tipping point is (iow, you need more practical help at home now or can't keep living independently) you'll have a supportive local network you've already been part of for a time.
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Hobug to all again!
I so enjoyed the last-minute invite to writer pal's writer pal's place. In a cozy 1920's neighborhood, fab house, fab host, fab vegan feast. We yakked and drank gluwine (glogg) and ate Moroccan dishes and it was a feast for everything. I think Xmas with galpals is wonderful.
I drove my friend J who's losing her sight but indominatably independendent. Another pal is facing hip replacement next month. So much solidarity among aging women on their own whom I know. Helping each other face the transitions our bodies bring.
Very strange to be getting short emails from D. I'm responding very carefully and warily but ... responding. She's dealing with chronic illness and chronic pain. Asked me to get her a copy of her birth certif and the mailing address she provided (thanks, Google) is a homeless resource center. I hope she's coping but my gift to myself is to maintain detachment. I know she only reached out for money, but this time my emergency fund was ready and I'm not regretting I committed to fix her teeth. She's made the appt (there'll be a whole series) for next month. I'm glad.
I will not suggest a visit. Me there or her here. If SHE brings it up one day, I'd welcome her visiting during the day but don't feel comfortable having her stay here overnight and would advise her to stay with her stepmom. (My concern, rational or not, is her going through my private papers and/or even, possibly, theft. I know she did that before out of a sense of desperation, but I'm fierce about not allowing anything like staying in my safe peaceful home unless trust has been rebuilt. I just don't believe her sense of right/wrong has been healed. So that's that.)
All in all, I feel grateful, Xmas went well, and I always love this gentle week before New Year's.
Hope alla-y'all have gotten through and found peace in the stillness. And love wherever it lands.
hugs,
Hops
PS -- Speaking of stillness, a major holidays pleasure for me is driving across town on Xmas Day/Evening or the day after. The streets are SO empty, quiet and peaceful it takes me right back to the 50s. In the back seat of a big ole car with huge fins (think ship) moving through familiar old neighborhoods (not new developments) with Christmas lights everywhere. Magical. Always love it.
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Your visit with your friends sounds so joyful, Hops! I know it's a comfort to visit people who share food choices.... just drops tension right down and provides relief and a sense of calm for me.
As for your dd reaching out...... you continue to sound calm and wise. You've learned valueable lessons. Stepping around past reactivity and mistakes opens up hope for something new.
As for Winter Solstice celebrations here.... we've enjoyed watching the squirrels carry off peanut butter bird seed pinecones hung in the Hemlocks. I haven't seen one bird enjoying them and I really thought they'd show up.
Next year I want to come up with better ideas and more pinecone decorations. Maybe string some lights with them. Not sure, but I'm glad to read your updates..... hope you do get your yummy food figured out ahead next year, for sure; )
Lighter