Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gaining Strength on November 30, 2010, 10:36:52 AM
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I am in a prickly state and it is painful like a dull, omnipresent electrical needling.
I receive it as an invitation to do ever deeper work on ever smaller but significant pain.
The struggle this past week was huge and the getting through without reacting and without damaging that friendship is a complete reversal. I am thankful for it. I continue to find things that once I would be able to pass over quickly are presently sticking and causing sustained pain. I am, without question, more capable of being with it and processing it rather than supressing it. I am glad for that.
Two things I wanted to write about quickly this morning. One is about how I function on this site. I was at my mother's house this morning, taking some things to her. He are having wretched, thunderstorms and downpours - over an inch in a couple of hours this morning, no electricity, etc. I went by her house to take a warm shower and take some things. While I was there i was thinking about this place and about some things I wanted to post and I came to an understanding. For some time, it really, REALLY weighed on me that I was writing, writing, writing and reading but mostly posting about myself and very little to others. That bothered me but this morning I finally had an insight. For so many years in my growing up I was expected and required to be aware of and care for others feelings and needs while my own went unacknowledged and unmet. Very quietly, unconsciously and/or subconsciously that same demand and tug was happening here - not overtly and not from anyone else but from within me, a repetition of the old pattern. This morning, I realized that I have more and more stuff that I need to pour out. At times there are things that I have to add or to offer but often the poignant postings strike me in such a deep way that I am bereft of words. The sense of obligation that comes from the deepest core of childhood sends me into a quiet, still spiral, unable to say what I feel and to feel of value and so at some point I found it necessary to retreat, unaware of what was at work.
Now that I know, I feel marginally freer to come and post even if my offereings in return are not much. This is definitely part of the process I find myself needing at this point - the ability and permission to pour out more and more without giving on par. The giving will come a little later when this next round of healing has come.
While I was at my mother's house, I stood in her doorway until there was nothing left that she seemed to have to say. I turned and she called after me. It is a L-O-N-G established pattern by her. It is a controll tactic - unconscious to be sure but strong and clear and MADDENING. When I finished what I was doing, I went back into her room and told her that, "I waited until you were finished talking and then I left and only when I was in another room did you call out. You have a deeply entrenched pattern of this and I am telling you to stop it." She said she would. She likely won't but that is neither here nor there. It was helpful and momentarily empowering for me to be able to recognize and state what was deeply, beyond the present action, irritating me.
There is another thing going on between me and a person in charge of an event that I am a part of. It has taken me 3 or 4 weeks to figure out why it is such a charged issue for me. I know, because of what I went through this past week that I can get through this without displaying anger and that is an incredible salve for me and hope for me. It is about communication, being left out of the conversation but left with responsibilty as a result of the conversation with ZERO input and the EXTREMELY anger inducing expression by the person with the power of "I don't know WHY you are bothered by this because (absurd, irrational explanation of why her actions are reasonably and my reaction is not)
More of the same. But I am most thankful that at long, long last I am able to see how my lifelong pattern of reacting has been a devestating downfall that has carried me lower and lower and lower and rendered me not only disfunctional and depressed and isolated and bewildered but also hopeless and lost. How extraordinary that a very normal reaction to such power trouncing and foot on the head heal grounding has been the very key that was available to me but to which I have been completely blinded to, unable to see or discern and therefore unable to grab hold of and use. Being able to see this brings me one step closer.
Now I will use the techniques that I began developing a couple of years ago, the EFT and though changing. I know that this will not be nearly as difficult as any of the other changes and yet it will be far more freeing than any of the others. Each had to come in order. The process is so dadburn slow but I am so incredibly thankful that I have found my way to it. I see so many aroundme who never even looked and so many others who looked and are looking but have not found. I count my lucky stars as I work through this change and I look forward to the other changes to come.
Thanks for this place of healing - this strange, strange cyberplace of friendship and understanding and encouragement.
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this work is as difficult as any and all that I have done before. It is not as debilitating but it is as difficult. It stirs up such profound anger and pricks the membrane that cuts me off from the powerlessness and rage, allowing the toxic treacle to ooze through. Of course I want to keep that membrane in tact, even knowing that the wounds will never heal. The re-experience of that poison is wretched. I want healing and so I will endure. It feels like too much. That must be the memory, the past evoked yet again. It will not be too much but it feels as if it will.
The physical reaction, the physical feeling inside of my abdomen is horrible. It causes me to want to flee, to run as fast as I can to get away from it as a dog tries to outrun his fleas. But I know running will not generate an distance only being present with the pain, naming it, nurturing the wound, pouring salve over it - that is all that will heal it. Why do I long to flee? I think of my child who cries out in pain but refuses the medicine and I know that it is human, perhaps even humane to long to flee from it.
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I'm really glad you give yourself permission to receive.
That is a great perspective. It's the precursor to healing.
One day you'll be holding someone else up from your own serenity and strength.
I am certain of it.
love to you,
Hops
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Sweet Strength...
I am so happy to read your unique, warm, electrically intense and deeply thoughtful insights again! I'm glad that you're reclaiming this because you do have much to offer... and maybe it's even the source of your deep strength.
Can I offer an observation? It's about the membrane and the angry yuck inside...
That yuck has to "get out"; if you keep trying to hold it all in you will explode... it backfires on to you. It's like an infection, you know? At the same time - paradoxically - you also have to claim the anger as your right, emotionally - and in the claiming of it, the power of it over you, gradually diminishes. Instead, you are able to wield it effectively and responsibly... without the negative side effects. I'm talking about the old, all-consuming anger of the wounds to the "self" that come from abusive or neglectful parenting...
Of course, this is easier said than done. I've often wondered if there is ever an end to this kind of anger... but I do think now, that there is. Claiming that anger, isn't at all comfortable. Lord knows, lousy parents have punished the children who dared to feel and show anger a million different ways. Figuring out the ways I was denied this emotion - and then reliving those memories and allowing that anger to be expressed - helped. The colors started to get brighter in the world, and I was able to laugh and make jokes every now & then.
Some of that anger processing happened here; most of it happened in my journals and just sitting with myself. I couldn't allow myself to be angry in 3-D... because I was always shamed for it; punished for it; blamed for it. And I'm still overly conscious and concerned about making other people uncomfortable in the vicinity of the "angry me" - especially when something has triggered "old" anger. So I learned a lot of different ways to try to pretend I wasn't angry (I think I failed miserably at this)... and I'm still about halfway sure that I internalized the parental punishment for my anger... into self-limiting, self-defeating and self-destructive reflexes designed to a.) express the anger and get it "out" of me and b.) find some way to "hide" it so I wouldn't be punished by my mom and c.) punish myself for being angry in the first place --- all because no one allowed me, no one taught me, that there is a difference between good - bad anger. Anger was always bad, was the mistaken belief in a FOO where I wasn't allowed my own boundaries. This just didn't work, but I didn't have a clue what else to do.
The processing of it - allowing myself to first feel it - was how I was able to claim it as "good anger" and drain out the toxic yuck that polluting me. After feeling - looking at it from all angles - thinking about it; observing anger in life... in other people; in myself. And then, finally seeing that hey! I wasn't so angry anymore. No, I don't really know how that happened - but it did. And no, I wasn't ever taught how to process feelings, either! LOL! I was taught instead, that one is supposedly helpless to do anything about feelings - that they were like a cosmic force, say gravity - and I never thought at the time, to apply logic to that and ask - if that's true, then how is it right that I be punished for my feelings? How can I be "bad" because I'm angry that I have no parents who take care of me or love me??
This kind of work is, as you've noted, extremely freeing. There are as many ways to do this, I guess, as there are people. It removes a heavy, heavy weight from one's shoulders - and moves one closer to an easy connection with the rest of the world and the fabulous, interesting and kind people in it. I look forward to reading what you're willing to share of your work on this because I know you're going to be able to find some wonderful, profound truths for yourself. I've really missed you!
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Suddenly my father has started calling. Months and months and months go by and all of a sudden I have received 4 phone calls this week. I guess the timeing is right as it gives me for information and fuel for healing.
In today's conversation he was talking, or ranting, or lecturing or whatever a psychiatrist or psychologist might call it about "his" family, his uncles and aunts and grandparents. He asked me if I knew the stuff that he was telling me and did I want to know. I answered yes to the first and he replied, "You already know it all so that means you aren't interested." Subject closed.
He asked if I knew a particular person. (A person my mother's age who died 2 years ago who I knew my entire life. When I was a child she and her family lived next door to my maternal grandparents.) I said I did. He went on to say that her daughter (she had 4) was "shamefully large." The daugher he referred to is my friend and she is quite obese but she is much more than her size. She is a remarkable mother (single at that and to children who were sexually abused by their father) and business person and friend and church person and volunteer and communicator and on and on and on. She is such a fine person. To hear his flippant, dismissive, and disgusting remark turned my stomach.
A few comments later he refers to someone whose sister is a "friend" of my fathers and he says, "She is a fine person, her brother is not. He is not a nice person at all." He is not a nice person because he has political views that differ from my father. He actually is quite a remarkable person. He started and runs a large environmental law firm that is flourishing now but for many, many years struggled because it was such an new field and usually was a small department of environmental law within a larger lawfirm. But this person is a "bad" person because he has different views from my father.
He went on to say, "I had some portraits hung in your home which you made very difficult because you wouldn't make yourself available when I and my man could hang them. I suppose they are gone now. Do you have any idea where they are now?" "Yes." "Where?" "Where they were hung in 2008." "How do you know?" [no answer - couldn't figure out how]
On Monday or Tuesday he called me and said that my 18 year old (dysfunctional and appearing to be moving into the ne'er do well catagory of life) was in town but had not called him as he said he would. Did I know anything about it? "No." I said but offered to look into it. So I called my nephew who seldom answers my calls and he said he didn't call because he didn't have his phone number. [not be most reasonable explaination] So I agreed to text him the numbers. A couple of hours later I got a call from my father who said that he had talked with his grandson and agreed to get together for dinner at 5;30 but that my nephew didn't show and when my father called him he said that he had made other plans.
I took what my father said at face value and told him I was sorry to hear that. It sounded like my nephew and I thought little more about it until I spoke to my nephew's other grandfather and was relaying this story and I found myself saying, "Most likely my father was 30 or more minutes late. Maybe X got tired of waiting." Then I realized there was more to the story than my father had told. In fact my former sister-in-law told me that my nephew had been on time (only minutes after he and my father made plans to meet) but that he had waited and waited and waited and finally gave up.
I felt guilty for heaping all responsibility for the missed dinner on my, usually, irresponsible nephew. But the ENTIRE point of this long missive is that my father, N that he is, tells the story, completely overlooking his utter contempt for anyone else, his utter lack of concern for keeping someone else waiting without word, his astonishing ability to transfer ALL responsibility away from himself and on to another and THEN telling the story to smear around the bad actions of the other person.
Now that was a HUGE experience - to see how he does it and how [size 20pt]I[/size] who should know better, even I buy into his projection and condemnation of another. EVEN [size=2I0pt][/size] who have been victimized over and over and over via the same method, bought the projected condemnation for several days. No wonder it works.
In one conversation he said to me, "You don't remember but when you were 18 you thought ...."
I don't even know what you call that. Arrogance comes to mind but even if arrogance is involved it is such a minor portion of the violation as to leave me wordless here. It has the outcome of rendering me a form of voiceless but that is the word for me and not the word characterizing his action.
Anyone have a word for that?????
It could be an interesting contest - to most accurately describe that N action in a single word - or even many.
That is what is so dismaying about the changes in the diagnostic manual. It takes away language that is sorely, sorely needed to describe what is going on.
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In one conversation he said to me, "You don't remember but when you were 18 you thought ...."
I don't even know what you call that. Arrogance comes to mind but even if arrogance is involved it is such a minor portion of the violation as to leave me wordless here. It has the outcome of rendering me a form of voiceless but that is the word for me and not the word characterizing his action.
Anyone have a word for that?????
Hey GS. I don't know what the one word would be, but I sure recognize the pattern. It's sort of a complete dismissal of the other person as an intelligent functioning mind. It's one of my father's tricks as well, and it comes through in a lot of subtle and not so subtle ways. When he disagrees with a comment from someone else, he often says something like: "you don't believe that". He rarely ever qualifies a statement with "my opinion is" or "I think such and such". What he believes is TRUTH. What everybody else believes is flawed and unconsidered opinion. So he has no problem outright dismissing the other persons mental process. He turns a disagreement into an insult.
In my fathers case, I've thought it connected with the noted inability of people with Asperger's syndrome to create a "theory of mind" when dealing with other people. It definitely seems arrogant and very disrespectful of the other person in a conversation.
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Oh Silverlining, this point of yours is very interesting. There is much packed into this sentence. Would you be willing to write more about this? Does your father have Asperger's? How does that inability manifest itself? .........
In my fathers case, I've thought it connected with the noted inability of people with Asperger's syndrome to create a "theory of mind" when dealing with other people.
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I sure recognize the pattern. It's sort of a complete dismissal of the other person as an intelligent functioning mind.
Me too, Silver, GS...the exact pattern.
My mother, my brother, my Nboss.
(And disagreement being taken as insulting rather than just...a different way of thinking about something.)
They are so isolated in their limitations.
I don't envy them.
Sorry I have to recover from them, but better a healing person with strength in the scarred places, than being so walled off myself.
Hops
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GS - not only has my mom tried to tell me what I thought/felt in the past, she went right on ahead and tried this in a present moment, too. My dad was very ill; and ill-tempered about it and my brother was asking me to come visit my dad, as it might be "the last time" (i.e, relieve him of responsibility for my dad's care).
So, my mom tells me "I know what you're thinking; I know you feel like you have to come up here". I was still in the awkward, gawky Twiggy-anger-acceptance stage of recovering... so I screamed at her that there was no possible way she could know what I was thinking and she sure as hell didn't know what I was feeling. Not very pretty or appropriate; not one of my better moments - but actually doing & saying this, felt great!! :D
What I call this, because there just isn't a single word for it - is boundary intrusion. What I mean, is that my mom simply walks right across the fact (reality of a "self" boundary) that I am a separate, unique human being from her and she's not a psychic, definitely not an empath, so there is no way she can determine what I think/feel - unless I tell her. What usually happens when I tell her, is that she immediately denies it and tries to "make it go away" with something like "you don't mean that", or she just changes the subject.
This is one of her characteristics that makes me think she's more BPD than N. Maybe it is a central feature of N... these days I'm less sure of the definition, than ever. What makes this so crazy-making for me, is that she doesn't just trepass into my "self" - she always leaves some nasty litter behind, in the form of a feeling I have, of being invaded by force and the consequent emotional reactions to that, that I have to "clean up" after. And I have absolutely no recall of any time that she ever waltzed across that boundary with acceptance of who I am, comfort, or caring. If I fell and skinned a knee... it was my own fault for being stupid & klutzy... and why was I crying about it???
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I agree it's a boundary violation. I'd call it verbal bullying, with a big dose of projection: They tell you what you think.
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Oh Silverlining, this point of yours is very interesting. There is much packed into this sentence. Would you be willing to write more about this? Does your father have Asperger's? How does that inability manifest itself? .........
Hi GS.
My father has never been officially diagnosed with Asperger's (as far as I know). But AS is one of the main ideas I have used in coming up with my own understanding of his mind and behavior. AS seems to fit pretty well, but there are still complications, such as his tendency toward constant oppositionality. His ability to come up with and express the opposite of any opinion or statement is absolutely amazing. My brother has described him as a "social and emotional idiot" which may be as good a diagnosis as any.
He did get some counseling many years ago, during a period of extreme depression. I don't have any real knowledge of what he learned, but it may have involved the "N" word since he abruptly quit the counseling, claiming he could figure out his situation better on his own.
The major symptom of his personality problem is the trail of social/emotional wreckage he has left everywhere he has been. As far as I know, he has only had a couple of non-problematic social relationships in his life. He doesn't have any friends or any real connection to a community. He has no religion or much interest in any kind of social activity. His major activity is reading, and he loves to regale others with the "knowledge" he has memorized. He seems to almost purposely ruin every relationship he has. If things are going good with anybody, he'll find a way wreck it.
He treats others as sort of one dimensional and inferior, without intelligence or emotional depth. I'm 49 years old with 2 college degrees and he still talks at (not with) me, as if I'm an 8 year old. I'm come to realize he only has a few tools in his social/emotional repertoire; explaining, debating, and lecturing, which he applies in every situation. He is almost completely incapable of listening, mirroring, validating, or any other reciprocal process. His attention span for anything outside himself is only a couple of seconds, after which he'll say something to flip the conversation back to himself and his interests.
I do believe (or have chosen to believe) that he tries his best with the cards he was dealt. But because he is simply unable to perceive others as equally intelligent people with valid thought processes of their own, he comes across as arrogant, insulting, disrespectful. It's still a near constant challenge, but I think I have gotten better at dealing with his behaviors.
Like your father, mine seems to have his more "relational" phases, when he is calling all the time. For me the last was Spring of 2009, when all of a sudden I was getting calls every week with explanations of my problems and what I needed to do to solve them. It was really irritating, since I have never mentioned any of these supposed problems to him. He makes up a problem and comes up with his own simplistic diagnosis, then thinks he is doing me a favor by dumping it on me. I have no "voice" whatsoever in the process. When he doesn't get the results he wants, he simply withdraws and I may not hear from him for months.
Then when my father withdraws, my mother gets even more self absorbed than usual, and starts calling me with her stuff. The FOO is a constant trial..
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I'm 49 years old with 2 college degrees and he still talks at (not with) me, as if I'm an 8 year old. I'm come to realize he only has a few tools in his social/emotional repertoire; explaining, debating, and lecturing, which he applies in every situation. He is almost completely incapable of listening, mirroring, validating, or any other reciprocal process.
Could have written this myself. These very characteristics continue to make my skin crawl even though I am very, very seldom in contact with him.
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Could have written this myself. These very characteristics continue to make my skin crawl even though I am very, very seldom in contact with him.
Yeah it can be really hard to deal with. I've had better reciprocal relationships with people I met on a bus for a few hours than I've ever had with my father. After the official formal handshake when I received my Masters degree, he went right back to "business as usual". There's never the slightest acknowledgement of any knowledge or expertise I might have gained in school. Or in more general terms, there is no acknowledgement of "me" as an independent mind. I'm just a foil for his internal process of propping up his own ego.
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I've had better reciprocal relationships with people I met on a bus for a few hours than I've ever had with my father.
LOL!!!!! And I thought I was really weird, because it was always easier for me to "be myself" with people I absolutely didn't know... this is one of those (could be sad) ironically funny truths about our relationships with parents like this, huh?
And those people who are our parents: they only know the illusion that they've mangled up in their brains about who we are (like a form of alzheimers)... and it doesn't even occur to them that we might grow, change, or be any different than that image. Because of course, "they" haven't changed at all since their brain was set in that pattern.
Once upon a time, I believed that my mom's "version" of me was the real one. And sure 'nuff - I did find a buried version of me that would support and validate that - and uh..... I mothered that me back into health and integration with the me that I am now - which is a lot different than my mom will ever know.
Her loss, I think. Nothing I can do about her delusions - except not reinforce them! :D
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GS - I agree with PR about letting "the yuck" out. I was replying to Lup about the hole I always felt in my gut which was only banished after I got in touch with all the pain that made up the hole. Doing that (with a good terapist in safety) was the turning point to making me feel more complete. I am glad you are giving yourself permission to focus on yourself here.
towrite
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And those people who are our parents: they only know the illusion that they've mangled up in their brains about who we are (like a form of alzheimers)... and it doesn't even occur to them that we might grow, change, or be any different than that image. Because of course, "they" haven't changed at all since their brain was set in that pattern.
Hi Phoenix. These lines really say a lot. It seems the images they hold of us in their weird little brains might have been formed before we even appeared on the scene. We are bent and twisted to fit something they need. I've wondered if I have been made to pay the price for abuses my father suffered at the hands of HIS father. He couldn't get away with talking back to his father, but he could force me to listen to his monologues and contradict everything I say. I have played the role of father, friend, whatever in reference to what my father needs. But I didn't get to play the role of myself.
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Silver,
I think this is extremely perceptive:
I do believe (or have chosen to believe) that he tries his best with the cards he was dealt. But because he is simply unable to perceive others as equally intelligent people with valid thought processes of their own, he comes across as arrogant, insulting, disrespectful.
And even compassionate.
I admire you.
Hops
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Maybe SL... maybe. But I do think you might be on to something about their images of us - even before we're born. It's like they've already written the part we're to play... and gee, if I'm not gifted in math like the role calls for... well, it's awkward as best, isn't it?
But then - that is one of the functional delusions - that people can make other people BE what they want them to be, without any regard to who/what they are, in reality. It's as if they've never looked into a newborn's eyes with curiosity about who the new "kid on the block" might be! Because babies are already becoming "their own person" even at that age. Maybe they think a child is like a doll - and use the fantasy-play-pretend parts of their brains to relate to children... but OOOOYUCK!!!! I just creeped myself out!
That's too freaky to think about...
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It is cold here - really cold. My heater is broken (gas turned off really.) And I can feel the depression starting to creep in.
Slightly overwhelmed with the mess of life that has been waiting patiently to be dealt with. I wish the collision of circumstances occured in the warmth of summer.
My little boy turned 10 today.
He is so happy and I am so happy for him
and yet
the full impact of the memories of all the horrors that happened those first few years of his life are hitting without any warning - as though I am watching it all on a screen in a darkened theatre, replaying in time-lapsed, jerky motion. It is all too much emotionally. I feel the loneliness, the aloneness as though I am trapped under the weight of a boulder out in the wilderness with noone who would care even if I could summon them.
I know why I am feeling all of this but I had not foreseen any of this AT ALL, not an inkling, not last night nor even first thing this morning but now it is hitting hard and I am alone and lonely.
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Hi Strength,
Get out of the house today. Now.
Go somewhere warm, that feels welcoming, cozy. The public library might be a good choice. Spend the day somewhere warm so you can tackle the problem at home tonight.
Are you safe at home with the heat off? I havent turned my heat on yet and we are having to wrap up, but I am not in the North where cold would be life threatening at this time of year. If it wasnt so sunny here, I would take my own advice because the lack of heat and the dark day would be very depressing to me as well.
Do you have a fireplace? A space heater? A way to make yourself more comfortable tonight?
I know you are struggling right now...I wish I could fix it....you feel so far away and out of reach. Do you have anything planned for your little one's birthday? Maybe one of the silly movies that are out at the theater right now? Maybe the dollar movies?
Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing to day.
CB
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(((((((((((GS)))))))))))))
Sending warmth and a blast of sunlight. And a hug. To you and to your boy.
I so wish you had a job, any job.
Much as I loathe mine at times, the work keeps my mind off things (unless Nboss has done a fresh slicing, but that's not every day).
Is there a utilities-assistance program in your community?
Or are the accounts in your parents' names?
love to you, I'm so sorry you're having this kind of day--
Hops
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Hot tea or chocolate
Read selected sections of a favorite book - revisit an "old friend"
Throw a blanket over top as you curl up in a big chair or sofa
This is one of my favorite "ways to be" when it's cold and gloomy.
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And I can feel the depression starting to creep in.
Hi GS. It creeps in for me too about this time of the year. It's a tough time. The days keep getting shorter and colder. It seems the sun is just barely up before it starts going down again. The change in the time kicks off a phase of insomnia. I try to keep in mind there is a springtime, and it's not too far away. It's one more test, and we come out better for it in the end. Getting some outdoor air and sun everyday is a great help for me.
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I have been so angry with my mother today.
Really - absurdly angry about things she has done all of my life.
I hope this is somehow a part of the healing process - like some kind of chopper, grinder that is getting all wound up about "normal" stuff as a prelude to dealing with it in a healing way.
I had some stuff to pick up at her house today, little, adorable Curious George boots that once belonged to my little boy. I am sending them to a little 4 year old whom we adopted from an angel tree at church. I was trying to get everything in order: the X-mas gifts and the hand-me-downs. I had to get it all stright and delivered in time to get to school to pick up my boy. She folllowed me around on her walker from room to room (the hallway is not far from the kitchen but connected by a narrow space which is completely clogged by her walker). I felt myself getting angrier and angrier crossing over into rage. She was asking inane questions like "What are you going to do at the church?" Why are you going to the church? What is that? Was it X's? That is dirty. and on and on and on.
I snapped at her, "You have an uncanny ability to sniff out stress and plop yourself in the middle to make certain that you impede progress and then cry foul when your interference is not met with adoration." She indignantly responds, "well I'm sorr-ee. I was just asking!"
I move from the kitchen back to the hallway and so does she. "PLEASE let me move away from you and get done." "I'm just trying to be nice and I'm coming in here (the hallway) because I'm leaving."
Tonight she quizzed me about what my son and I were doing for dinner. I told here we were having dinner with my father. "And her too? (My parents were divorced 22 years ago. He married for the third time a couple of years ago. Noone in their right mind would want to be married to my father and yet my mother cannot bear for anyone else to be married to him. WHY????
Dinner with my father took forever because he was almost 2 hours late. My mother asked me what took so long. What's it to her? I am feeling hatred of both of them. I haven't felt such fierce feelings for a long time. I do so hope that this rage being stirred up is some preliminary to yet another layer of healing. Heavens knows I cannot afford to go back into the yuck I've lived in for so long.
Oh if only I could trade them in and how I hope that my little one does not feel that way when he is my age. If he doesn't then I will count my life successful.
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Thank you all for your support and encouragement.
Shortly after I posted a friend called and asked me to meet her at a knit shop and we followed that up at Starbucks. It was just the jumpstart I needed.
I have a great fireplace and tomorrow will have to area heaters that will make it all great. I did splurge on two electric blankets from target a month ago but those things are basically worthless. The hardly heat. I need to take them back and try for a different brand.
CB, last night I had some cousins and a God-father over for dinner (my mother paid for the food). It was great fun. Tonight my father and his wife took us out for dinner. So we have had fun celebrating.
Hops, I am working on the job thing. No doubt work makes a difference on so many levels. I don't know what or how but I know it won't be too long now. Thanks for the encouragement.
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Plenty more where that came from ((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))
xo
Hops
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Bad day - really bad day. Definitely hitting low, low, low.
Tolerance dropping precipitously.
Provocations multiplying.
Triggers increasing in occurrence.
My father - NPD - is also diagnosed with a myriad other mental health issues including Bi-polar and OCD. As his OCD flairs up, he becomes incapable of taking medication for his physical ailments, as they increase his mental health issues plummet.
He has moved into a significant raging, untreated mania and I have become front and center in his sites. His triggering obsession is the cemetery. This time of year he puts 3 live wreathes on the graves of his parents and grandparents and each year he obsesses about it. He called me over 9 times about picking up his wreathes on Wednesday. I did and delivered them to his home, offering all along to put them up at the cemetery.
His physical health is deteriorating. (honestly I have no clue how in the world he is still living. His is well into his tenth year with significant congestive heart failure. OCD precludes his taking the important diuretics, consequently his legs weep profusely with adema and he is unable to walk and on and on and on.) I set aside the hours of 11-1 on Friday to go with him to take the wreaths to the cemetery. (Being perfectionistic, he would not dane for me to do it for him.) He was not well enough to go on Friday. So I set aside time from noon until 2pm today. He did not make it. He called me at 1pm and said he had spoken to people in the cemetery office and needed me to go with him right that minute to meet with them and discuss the plots available to me and my now 10 year old son.
I told him that I would like to but would not be able to do so today. He raged, "Not today, not yesterday and not the day before. You NEVER take the time." "I set aside 2 hours yesterday and 2 hours today but I have appointments this afternoon." "YOU NEED TO CANCEL THEM!!!!! THIS IS IMPORTANT!!!!!" "My activities were planned months in advance and cannot be altered. I'll be glad to go on Monday." "YOU NEED TO GO NOW" "I'm not able to. My son has a piano lesson at 2 and " "YOUR SON SHOULD BE PLAYING OUTSIDE NOT PLAYING THE G** D*** SISSY PIANO!!!!!! Blam!
OK. I know this is bi-polar mania. I know his OCD is flaring and I know that that man has NPD. Rationally this should be just a tick off of life with a father with these disorders. - check - But it is such a low blow - even though I know what it all is. WHY is it a low blow. why has it knocked me over. I know part of it is the trigger of what happened all my life when i had no clue it was a disordered brain and mind and believed that I had something to do with it because I was not somehow good enough. I know better now but that does not seem to mitigate the horrendous pain, the raging agony, the torment, the aloneness the ............ and the ............ and the........... and all that other sh*t that I have no words for.
I could fall one way off of the razor's edge and smash cars and windshields and store front windows - urban riots of 1 or I could fall another direction into an anhilistic nadir.
I AM SO ANGRY!!!!!
and I am sooooooooooooo depressed
and I am so l-o-n-e-l-y and a-l-o-n-e with this all.
I cannot take it and I know not why - as though the work done here and reflected here has been for naught or has been folly or imaginary.
AGONY and RAGE
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I'm sorry, GS.
It must be really hard to separate his illness from his personhood. Being raged at is awful, especially when it's someone whose approval you've yearned for.
I hope this anguish is just a spell, a wave...that recedes faster than it used to.
Soon--clean sweet air after a storm.
Hops
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Thanks for responding Hops - thanks for hearing me and for listening. That is so healing, it is a gift that means so much.
The voicelessness of it is exactly, precisely what invokes the rage.
It makes me remember that when I found this place what I was focused on was narcissism. It actually took me a couple of years to even notice that the name of this place was VOICELESSNESS and then it took a few months for me to understand the connection between narcissitic victim and voicelessness. THAT alone was an opening to a new universe - that the narcissistic parents and my FOO kept me voiceless for decades. It helped explained why ALL of my nightmares were explicitily about voicelessness - screaming to people who won't listen, talking about an imminent disaster that can be prevented but which I'm the only one who can see and noone will listen to me and on and on.
It is voicelessness but there is so much more. I hope to find the time tomorrow to write about what I have figured out.
My heart is unfeignly thankful for your friendship across these years.
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And mine for yours, ((((GS)))).
Thank you.
Crisis brings change (my favorite I-Ching quote) -- don't despair, don't get stuck there.
The season, like it or not, lights candles everywhere, and in Nfamilies, a lot of them are rockets.
Find your peace, your own small light of hope in the lovely darkness, hear some sacred music, see your babe.
It will pass, hon, and you and he will be all right. Soon -- a new year will be here.
love
Hops
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GS,
But your not voiceless they are deaf. You heard your voice loud and clear. You heard your anger. Your son was called names because you didn't Approve or Comply with your father's demands (and what a pain in the ass he was being).
You were angry with your father and what he said. If it helps you any So would I. Who wouldn't be mad? I doubt there is any one on here that wouldn't have been livid (for thier child) or even for self.
Sometimes actions speak louder then words. He heard you GS. Your actions said :: this is the time I have and No to your time.
His hissy fit (was because he heard you) through your actions.
You were just mad because he was such (a pain) and name caller...so what's not normal about being mad? You can be ya know.
Even with his mental illness.
Your not going backwards.
And this shall pass.
Love
Deb
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Can't take mother's continuing BS, passive aggressive, controlling BS. Lost my temper with her and told her I had had it. She waits until she thinks I am out of ear shot and starts in with my son. Reached my limit. Have been feeling hatred towards her for some time Hatred hurts noone but me. Still can't help it.
Why are these feelings intensifying?????????????????
Want healing but feel sucked in by the raging.
What in the hell is going on???????????????////
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Deb - thank you. I hear you. I get it. You cannot know how long I have longed to hear what you wrote. I didn't even know that I needed to hear those words. What a relief! What a gift! Thank you. (Those words only point to but do not come close to quantifying the gratitude I want to express to you.)
Have you any idea how being heard heals?
I thought it would - but to experience it is amazing. thank you again - and - again.
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GS,
Your welcome.
Big Hugs!!
Love to you
Deb
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My sweet (and righteously ticked off!) friend -
I'm sorry I was gone during this, though it seems there's always someone here to hear us and comfort us in those never planned crises. I want to take what Deb said one step further - not only did your father hear you - he recognized that you are finally aware of your own boundaries and defending them. Same with your mother and you reacting - now - for all the times that you wanted to say something - and didn't. You just told them "I know what you've done to me all this time and you can't do it anymore". They will freak out. LET THEM.
It is something that needed to happen - for you. It is, to my way of thinking a huge, huge breakthrough. And yes, it feels absolutely awful while it's ongoing. Like you have no right to be angry - like you are way out of line - and no, anger isn't an enjoyable emotion at all (even without the layers of crap associated with it). When I say "anger is our best friend" it's precisely because it's the gatekeeper of boundaries - not because I like being angry.
I wasn't allowed to be angry - ever - no matter what anyone said or did to me; no matter what position they put me in. That taboo was the the very ball & chain that kept me constantly locked into playing my mom's game. I finally heard myself one day exclaim: how come it's OK for everyone else to be angry - but not me?????
Your anger and defense of boundaries, makes it unquestionably clear (and not open to interpretation)
that you won't be treated like a servant - or a child
that you won't accept being a "target" for whatever nastiness your parents want to dump on you
that you will not tolerate them treating your child this way - either and especially
And the reason being angry about their nastiness and feeling uncomfortable defending your boundaries feels so wretched -
is because you've broken the taboo, the spell they had over you, and you've clearly stated that:
YOU ARE FREE
They may not have heard that, and from my experience with my mom, I can say that you'll have to repeat this more times than your patience will understand. But the anger will diminish now. And along with the anger goes a lot of the things that sapped your energy... the obstacles that used to be in your way will gradually become insubstantial... etc joy, blessings, and all good things will become so much EASIER now.
You too, are allowed to be angry when you are treated unfairly. You know and can validate for yourself that you tried to be accommodating to your Dad's physical issues. The fact that he had a meltdown because you are no longer "commandable" - is solely his problem. YOU didn't make him have a meltdown - it's his illness. All you did, was state the facts of your boundary.
You've fought long and hard to define what your boundaries are; who you are. Don't cave now out of a misplaced feeling that somehow you were wrong; you weren't wrong. The meltdowns and nastiness are exactly how they keep you on that razor's edge or tightrope of self-doubt. You dad acted like a jackass. Your mom's more subtle - but her nastiness and judging can be just as lethal. And the anger you feel can be spent and exercised and moved past, in a fantasy anger-room where you allow yourself to engage that one-woman riot and even direct it at the real cause. So that the intensity dies down...
but I'll second the motion, that you are fully justified in being nuclear-meltdown angry! And it's your right as a human being to be this angry over the years and years of this crap. It is how you claim your own freedom to be you and that "you" is good and allowed to set your own standards for what is/isn't acceptable to YOU.
Soon, you'll able to just say: nyah-nyah-----nyah-nyah!
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HOO-ahh! (To quote Al Pacino from Scent of a Woman).
The only mite I would add is in addition to owning the legitimacy of your own anger...be sure, sure, sure to protect M. from explosions.
(IOW, find a safe neutral place to VENT it, so he won't internalize it, be afraid of it, and perpetuate the cycle by believing it's somehow his fault if you are feeling enraged. The way kids naturally do.)
xo
Hops
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Slipping into some kind of a dark hole. Not depression but rage. Set off by small accummalate.
End of rope. no help.
part of it I can see comes from the history of demands and expectations from my parents that started at birth. NC isn't the issue, my "hop-to sense of over responsibility" comes from that and it is killing me. This is a kind of boundary issue that I have been aware of and have been chipping away at, making progress but now am on my knees. Can't take any more.
for instance: my mother called last night - her cleaning crew was coming today - she needed me to come and pick up a toy that my son left on the floor. I said ok. This morning my child who has insomnia was still exhausted from a night of no sleep on Sunday and so I let him sleep. I heard the phone ringing. Knew it was my mother. The pressure between her demands and my son's schools refusal to understand that the letter from his doctor about insomnia stands for something caused me to snap. Guess who got the brunt? my child.
I am so angry. Truly at my low.
(even feeling overwhelmed about not being able to read and respond to those of you who need and deserve encouragement as well. My sincerest apologies.)
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Sweetie - you're allowed to "need" too; you're allowed to be at the center of the nurturing amazons until you're ready to get up again, on your own.
DO NOT make the same mistake of beating yourself up about perceived "lack of progress" or about being angry (MY GOODNESS - who wouldn't be angry at such rediculous demands as your mother made??), or even about being volatile and near explosion for little, piled on, irritations. What are you? A stoic saint? Rant, kick and scream into a journal - here - in a mental, imaginary "anger room"... until it subsides and dissapates. Until you get the fire out of your veins. Find your angry voice. You're allowed to have one, even if you don't use it very often.
I'm gonna say it again: you're ALLOWED to be angry. Because you don't have a lot of practice with anger - you might be a bit awkward about dealing with it. I was, for sure. You simply can't expect yourself to be the master of an emotion you were prohibited from expressing or feeling. Trial and error - finding what works for you - will give you more control over this and pretty quickly. Apologize to your son - but, you probably already thought of and did that. That will help.
This kind of anger is a pretty intense emotion, especially when it's been bottled up for so long - it also gets stale & rancid (I'm on a food kick, can ya tell?) - but IT WASHES OFF. The important thing is that you are able to feel deeply and develop strategies for managing ALL of the emotions - not just the ones you've been limited to all this time. The full rainbow of emotions...
and not have a secondary reaction kick in about whether it's "appropriate" to feel this or not. You're as human as I am and at different times, we humans will feel all the emotions... some may be unpleasant, but there are no inherently "good" or "bad" emotions. They are just feelings - our hearts and souls and psyches - speaking to the universe and being in relationship with life - and feelings rise up and fade away, all the time - without "doing" anything about them.
Sometimes anger IS appropriate. Sometimes anger is NECESSARY.
But the other piece - the voice that puts oneself down for being angry - is the internalized voice of an incompetent parent who denies you the right to feel your feelings. Feelings aren't the same as behavior. Behavior can be good or bad... but not feelings... not who you ARE.
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Just want to be sure I didn't come across as suggesting you shouldn't feel, respect, or release your anger, GS...
I don't recommend that at ALL.
I think going out to the woods and beating a tree into splinters is right.
I think finding a secluded spot and screaming is right.
Drawing or painting explosive Pollocky art is right.
Exercising yourself into exhaustion is right.
Naming it and claiming it without shame, with M or anybody else, is right.
There are many "rights" in terms of how to respect, and release, your feelings.
My only caveat is that I believe witnessing rage is harmful and frightening to children.
I do believe that.
My only point about that is to take care of yourself, and M, when your anger feels like RAGE and is about your own childhood and your parents, not your son's...then you could go without M to safe and protective spaces
where you can release all you need to, without concern about its effect on him.
Mama will come home drained afterward, and much more relaxed. And that will be good for you both!
It's also excellent to teach him that anger is one of our human feelings and there's nothing whatsoever wrong with feeling angry. That mirroring language: I feel angry when ___, etc.
You can also teach him what are good ideas for getting rid of anger safely without harming yourself or anyone else. He may have some great suggestions. He's going to need the same skills in order to grow up whole and know how to negotiate his way successfully in relationships, jobs, etc.
love,
Hops
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Hops' point about anger & children makes sense - and it also provides you an opportunity to learn while teaching.
And to be clear - there is a big difference between that old, putrid anger that has accumulated into a big stinky pile over the years & years and multiple boundary intrusions - and preventions, prohibitions and denials of rights... and just being worn down by multiple little life things going wrong. The anger "tastes" different. Both are very clearly real - but the latter is a lot more "comfortable" to deal with than the former.
So, how're you doing? I'm blathering what feels like platitudes into the cyberworld (even tho' I get reminders of my own old anger still) - and maybe you've already got it squared away, huh?
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CB - minor point but my mother didn't demand that my son pick the toy up she asked me to. The problem is that she is not able. She is on a walker and this was a lego creation on a lego board that was 1 x 3 ft. But really, either my son needed to pick it up or the lovely Peruvian couple who clean for her. The insanity is that I didn't see that until too late.
I know where I get this sense of over-responsibility. Clearly an issue begging for help.
PR and Hops - thanks for giving me permission. It is just yucky to be in this place. I know it will pass. I know it is years of accumulated pus coming to a head, about to burst. But a bursted boil is one way towards a healing boil, so ....
I have this thought that my mother has some brain dysfunction akin to Asperger's. I remember all of my growing up that my father would be exasperated at my mother for not getting something. All these years I have attributed it to his problems but now I am seeing another part to it. If I am frazzled, my mother clearly doesn't get it and she just comes right up as though we are on a stroll in the park and introduces new subjects, completely unaware of what I am doing. Now that I am starting to think in these terms I see that she has never noticed what is going on with me - not my emotional state, not my financial state, not any aspect of what is going on in my life. I have taken it personally and been so angered about it all my life but I'm starting to think that she simply is not capable of being aware of what is going on with me.
I don't know. This concept is so new. Up until now it has been just another aspect of "voicelessness" and being completely ignored but I'm starting to think there is something diagnosably wrong here. Wouldn't that be something!
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Now that I am starting to think in these terms I see that she has never noticed what is going on with me - not my emotional state, not my financial state, not any aspect of what is going on in my life. I have taken it personally and been so angered about it all my life but I'm starting to think that she simply is not capable of being aware of what is going on with me.
It really would be something, and something monumentally freeing for you probably... to be able - if not out & out diagnose her - then at least be able to say "she falls pretty well into this category of symptoms". What you've described, I see in my mom a good bit, too. Like I don't exist as a real person to her, you know? Just some character in her make-believe story - not flesh & blood, and independent thought & emotion. It may be, that this is a result of being in a relationship with an N (for my mom, anyway). You and I know, this isn't the only option or choice... but for my mom, it is the choice she made.
Conversely - I feel as though I'm an orphan; as if "that woman who gave birth to me" is some alien-imposter; not my mother at all. No matter what I say, do, or feel - I simply can't make her into my mother either. So, when I have an opportunity to know and be in a relationship with someone like my MIL... I go a little overboard; I feel like I've been starved for that relationship all my life, you know? In reality, though - I've found lots of willing and caring substitutes.
And those "adopted moms" are all cherished for the simple reason that they cared about me, in some way. That really helps soothe the anger some. But it's the realization - deep down - that there is some lack of capacity; something "not normal" about my mom that acts as a fresh ocean breeze to blow away the anger clouds. It's beyond me to be able diagnose it completely... but it's also indisputable that it's something about her - that I can not change. I can't very well expect a rock to change and to care about me, my life or my needs. But I can change me... and you are changing you, too.
Your process is picking up energy, clarity and momentum, GS. You keep bustin' through the hurdles one after another in rapid succession... difficult, trying hurdles... but ultimately excellent work!! I'm very impressed - but not surprised; I knew you could do this!
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I see the "not about me" concept.
This requires some thought and thinking about.
Still need for grieving the (can't say loss b/c I never had) missing, longing for, need of mother nurturing.
In me is some thing that is so angry that noone cared that i did not have a father nor a mother who cared.
It is interpreted into my bones, my cells - that I did not deserve.
That is part of the core of my rage - everyone else deserved/deserves except me.
I have a splitting headached - sinus infection - took child on boyscout bicycle overnight. Temps dipped below 20 degrees. Just wretched. Paying for it today.
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Yes ((((((GS)))))))...
but
did not have
does not mean
did not deserve.
It just ... was how it happened.
Like weather. A tsunami.
But you survived. You made it onto the beach.
You can go inland, upland, even to another island.
You can relive the tsunami of disappointment over and over and over...
or see pehaps you are becoming bored with it?
love,
Hops
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Chiming in here... at the tail end of what Hops' said, so succinctly...
"not ever having" is most definitely a loss... and your instinct to grieve this... spot on. And (I'm doing a lot of "supposing" here) I think not grieving this leaves a big ole' lump of obstacle that just gets in the way.
There is a layer of pain that surrounds the "not ever having" that appears to have all the characteristics of a black hole - but that layer isn't very thick - if one goes straight through that into looking at the significance of the fact - "I grew up without the benefit of __________." - and begins to place that "fact" into the context of one's self, JUST ONE characteristic of one's self, like freckles or the shape of one's eyes - then that one fact doesn't stand out anymore as insurmountable, as a curse, as a big secret, as something that will inexorably mark one for life. It is only one circumstance or condition of how you became YOU... and there are so many more, you know? As a child, it's easy to forget that today's woe isn't permanent. (yeah, that's one thing parents are for...) But we are sooooooooo much more than the significance of one individual fact about us.
But this particular loss does require being singled out, paid special very gentle and loving attention. I've found that I have to remember to honor my own loss of "not ever having"... so that I don't reflexively shrink away from connecting to other sources of the exact kind of maternal energy and deny myself feeling that now... claiming "I'm OK" - "I'm tough enough" - "I don't need this"... I shrink back, precisely because of that thin, intense membrane of pain that surrounds the loss. When I can let go and go through the pain - and just connect - it's like breathing fresh air for the first time.
Over time, that layer of pain has gotten thinner, less intense, and is fading.
Just go easy with this, GS. Cut yourself some slack - if you're ill it will only magnify the emotions. Give yourself a specific amount of time a day to address it - and don't set an expectation for when you'll be "done with it". Over time, all the different aspects or facets on the "lump of coal" will come up - each one addressed in turn; grieved; accepted; put into a new place - context - and then you'll notice that the coal has transformed into a jewel... that instead of blotting out all light & good, radiates it throughout yourself and your life.
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After all of my time hear the concept of "voicelessness" is becoming clearer and clearer to me. I am corrolating my anger with not being heard more and more. And I am profoundly thankful to know where it is coming from. That will help me eventually to heal from it. At present, for what ever reason, I am fealling the full force brunt over it.
Isn't it odd, how these woundings can lie latent, deep in our psyche, and when tapped, be as forceful as though utterly fresh and new. I do not like feeling the full brute force of it. I want it to be a whisp of a tail swing that is a mere reminder rather than a ripped open gut bare and exposed and raw - especially after all of these years. But I am not surprised. I have learned after these last many years that part of the healing process that seems to need repeated ad infinitum until the massive core has been dealt with, must continue to go through the horrid, horrible, ripping open of the wound all anew in order to heal each tiny aspect bit at a time. And so - again - I find myself in the depths of the darkness with only my experience to give me hope of getting through. Angry, angry, angry. but I believe there is another shore to reach which is within sight when the dawn comes.
PR - thinking about what you said earlier - it is helpful to know, or rather think that perhaps that person who gave birth to me cannot do any better, cannot notice when I am stressed or struggling or anything but at the sametime it enrages me that I have had to go through my entire life orphaned emotionally, raising myself, all the while believing she had some nuggets and love to share, feeling foolish, fooled and so very, very angry that I was duped and left out of what seems a minimal offering from God - a loving, nurutring mother. Not unaware that there are indeed many motherless humans but angry that all along I thought i had one and kept trying to get right be right in order to get the nurturing that seems to come in bounds without effort to most around. I am two now - rageful and angry, hoping, praying to get to four or teen or even adult levels of maturity before my son does or before my death.
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I agree - that "trick" is most cruel.
It is the indigestible, "stuck in my craw", piece of reality that seems to be a constant reminder that "I don't deserve _______." Emotionally, anyway. There is no way around it, no escape from it, no antidote for it... no way to talk myself into rationalizing it away, whitewashing it into something harmless, or eliminating the long-term influence it had on how I created my self. It is small comfort to realize that others have experienced the same thing - and now, I'm thinking of a male, grade-school friend that I'm getting to know again after all these past years. Part of me knew he was gay back then and also knew how dangerous that was for him in those days - and part of me really connected with him anyway and liked him. We were misfits together and had fun; still do. I didn't know then that his mom and my mom had so much in common.
For sure, that piece of reality that choked me into anger, rage and self-destruction [I'm thinking of more than just bad habits with the term "self" destruction] can still be resurrected and new energy blown into it... if I choose. At first, I really didn't have much control at all and I was a walking hair-trigger. That was a lot of fun... ::sarcasm:: I did a lot of apologizing during that phase. And feeling guilty; feeling like I was a basket-case... even with the tools I had been given... because I was still just beginning to learn how to use them. There were hopeless days; I'd come here and babble on & on about as many details of the injustices and outrages I'd suffered... not really realizing that the spewing of awfulness I was embarked on was really still... avoiding just coming out & asking for a hug... or empathy... or frendship. I wasn't at the point yet, where I felt empowered - that I had the right - to ask for anything for myself from others.
It was enough for a time, to simply know I was allowed to be this angry. A lot of it was off-loaded here; but I eventually started to feel that wasn't fair to others... it still had to go somewhere - so I indulged myself freely with pencil and paper. I was able to process - get past - so much of the indigestible emotion's impact on me simply by talking or writing it all out. I still process things better by talking about it - which was one of the things I wasn't allowed to do in the FOO. There really is an end to the anger, rage... even the "self" destruction. Even tho' the piece of reality that evoked it hasn't changed or gone away; I've sort of gotten used to it; resigned might be a better word. I know there's not a chance in hell, that I'll ever be able to change that one piece of reality and with the help of many here who reminded me as many times as I needed reminding (and that still happens!) that I can let it go - or I think I like Hops' phrase better - I release the outcome: I let that one piece of reality be what it is... and move on, direct my attention elsewhere, and no longer force myself to try to digest the indigestible.
The all-out anger phase really wasn't that long, for me. Like a supernova, the anger kind of burned itself out in a form of emotional exhaustion. Sure, current situations would trigger it again - more frequently at first; but then these too started to fade out. And I still have echoes... and the patterns of reaction in my brain are still there... but they are less firmly entrenched with each and every time I am able to respond differently; when I choose to respond differently.
The trickiest situation for me, is still having contact with my brother and my mother. I am the most vulnerable here to being blindsided and triggered back into the same outraged indignation. If my rational brain didn't tell me otherwise, sometimes I think they poke my anger in the eye with a stick just to watch me seethe, steam rolling out my ears in an impotent coniption fit ON PURPOSE. For fun - so they can point and laugh. That's how it feels to me anyway; but I know it's simply them... and whatever is wrong with them. It has absolutely nothing to do with me at all; it's all about them.
If I could go NC - I'd jump at the chance. As it is, I am very selective about how and when I interact with either of them. It's not foolproof - I've still been blindsided and taken my lumps - but it helps. I'm beginning to see that rather then having to protect myself, guard myself, against some awful thing they're going to "do to me"... I can just let them be - and just be ME the way I want to be. I can only control myself. Other people recognize them for what they are; other people recognize the dysfunction or lack of empathy or how difficult they are to deal with - or even converse with. As if they're on some parallel universe wavelength. I don't have to explain... and "what" they are doesn't stick to me... didn't get passed on me in my DNA or whatever. It truly is as if I were a changeling baby, fostered out to the village idiot family.
The difference between us? I care about how I impact other people. I like and want to connect with others. I don't have some fixed idea that relationships are all about who wins and who loses. I love other people... and even tho' that's still inhibited somewhat out of fear... I'm learning that by giving this love and kindness, it doesn't always follow that I'm setting myself up for another "trick" that I can't digest or will trap me.
I've taken up enough space on your thread, GS... hope there's something useful here in what I went through, for you.
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There really is an end to the anger, rage... even the "self" destruction.
whew - what a difference - someone who understands tells me there is an end - and I believe you and have hope.
[I've taken up enough space on your thread, GS... hope there's something useful here in what I went through, for you]
You can't take up too much space on my thread - I gain so much from your posts. You have no idea.
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This is a little something stuck in my craw:
for Christmas, I knitted a scarf for my son's teacher. It was quite pretty, a delicate and slightly intricate pattern made of a beautiful ice blue merino wool. I spent quite some time working on it, beginning in early November (very early fro a last minute person like myself.) Just a week before the last day of school an e-mail came out to the classroom parents that one of the mother's would be collecting $20 for a gift and we could drop it off at her mailbox by the last Monday. I e-mailed back, politely declining explaining that my son and I had made other plans. I have no idea how many parents contributed or didn't. Anyway, the last day of school, I took the scarf, carefully wrapped during the mid-day party. My son was overjoyed and proud. The teacher was kind in her response and put it on and I went on my way. That afternoon, the teacher sent out an e-mail addressed to all the parents that began WOW! Won't we (my husband and I) be having a merry Christmas. Thank you all for your generousity!. I have no idea how much she received nor who participated. It was certainly a nice gesture. But I'm thinking - hmmm - open your wallet and drop the money off - 15 minutes - knit a scarf and carefully wrap it 40+ hours. One gets a WOW acnkowledgement and the other - a wave and a "thanks". Some how it just simply irks me.
I'm thinking about this as I work on yet another scarf - this one for my nephew who is in college on the west coast. I called his father a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving to see if I could get my son and my nephew together for a lunch or a dinner while my nephew was here for 9 days. My brother said he couldn't commit. finally as the week approached, I called my brother again and he explained that my nephew would be too busy. He always is. Last summer his father brought him by for 5 minutes so that he could give my son a t-shirt. they never sat down. They will not be in town for christmas day not the week after because they will be spending it at their beach house - the one they have had for 15 or 20 years - the one I have never been invited to. My nephew has no siblings and only two cousins - my son being one of them. I sent my nephew an e-mail yesterday about a high school student we went on a bicycle trip with this weekend. This young boy is looking at my nephews college and is interested in preceisely the same filed of study - mathmatics and aerospace engineering. I thought they might enjoy getting together. I haven't heard back from him and suspect I won't. This sticks in my craw too. I don't e-mail often. None of my other messages have received a reply. I thought this one might get some interest since it really had nothing to do with me or my son. Who knows.
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awww, GS...
that was such a thoughtful gift you made for your son's teacher. It sounds very pretty! Of all the things I know how to do - crochet & knit are the two I avoided learning like the plague. I guess I was told I was "all thumbs" or something. I still wear a scarf my DIL made for me a few years ago, even though she was just learning to knit then. My "adopted" family - hubs' - has always appreciated and gone out of their way to include handmade gifts. We draw names and make one gift and the competition is fierce and funny! It's a way to be "close" as family, too.... how well do you know the person, what they like to do, what they need. It's one of the things we're going to try to continue... MIL really liked this tradition and we all enjoyed it too. These are presents that get kept, many times.
I see that same motivation in your contact with your brother. It was a gesture of kindness and also a gentle way of expressing your wish to be connected. If I were you, I'd just keep on trying to do this and not let it turn sour, if you can. College age kids are notoriously self-involved and most won't spare a thought for younger relatives, like your son. They don't see the opportunity they're missing - only hear an "obligation". But your kindness and thoughtfulness and desire for connected family can be a present back you and your son - in itself. If more people were like this, the world would be a much better place! There are many things working against this simple, essential need though. And sometimes, it's easier to have this with "Phamily" than the bio-fam; lots of old stuff working there, you know? For everyone.
The way the universe works, I believe, is that like the law of conservation of energy... if you give kindness, openness and a willingness to connect... it WILL find it's way back to you. Maybe not where, when and how you expect it... but it does. And usually when you most need it!
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Hi GS,
I wondered how this is going for you now... how did you do, through the holidays? Has the anger kind of let up & receded some, so that you can work on something else for a bit?
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It has receded somewhat but I am tackling it from another front - magnesium and its calming effect.
Expecting relief in a week or two.
Thank you for asking.