Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: flower on November 05, 2004, 08:25:02 PM
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Hi everyone,
I got all the housework done that was going to get done. Well, I did have dreams about Nmom while taking a break from posting. I'll pick the "letter dream" to relate.
This was a very short dream. There was a letter addressed to me in beautiful script from my mother. It read: To the truly happy [my name].
That was all. That was all the dream.
This dream so symbolizes her attitude. - full of denial, doubt, dismissiveness, domination, diversion. (lots of "d" words there - Hi Les)
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Last Friday night I had a very strange dream. I was half in and out of the dream state, and I couldn’t get my body to wake up. I remember the feel of my face. It was heavy and unresponsive, like a thick rubber mask. I could sense its heavy weight as it lay on my pillow. My mouth was slack and drooling into my pillow. I could not connect with my face, I could not wake myself up. Eventually I was able to wake up, only to fall back asleep.
Several hours later in the early am - my mother called alarmed- my aunt was in the hospital in a coma. An aneurism in her brain had burst. She was on life support, with only 5% chance of waking up..
We got ourselves together and took the two hour drive to the hospital. Even though they had her on a 72 hour wait before they unplugged her from life support, I knew when I saw her she was gone. She had been diagnosed with this aneurism two years previous. She opted at the outset to not have surgery; the risks of brain damage of some sort were pretty certain, as well as the possibility of not surviving at all. She lived her life never knowing when or if this time bomb would go off
I know my dream was letting me know of her condition, of how the body is no more than a glove, that we are really not it at all. We give expression to it. I felt it helped me let my cousin know she wanted to be free, she wouldn't want to come back to a body paralyzed or with likely brain damage.She could let her go and not feel guilty. She had been sick a lot with various other ailments. She had everything in order for her potential death. She had instructed “no heroic measures”, and she had written out her obituary. Her liver and heart and kidneys were donated.
I didn’t get to know my aunt until just a few years ago. She was so kind to me, she showed such caring and interest in my life; I told my mom (hint, hint) that I felt that she had understood me more than anyone in my family.
I know my aunt is in peace now. My thoughts now are to my cousin and her loss. She had a dream herself: Her mother had woke up in her hospital bed and turning to her daughter, said “ ________, I love you.
And love her as well, and am grateful for the short amount of time I had her in my life.
Phoenix
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Flower writes-This was a very short dream. There was a letter addressed to me in beautiful script from my mother. It read: To the truly happy [my name].
That was all. That was all the dream.
Does your mom usually address letters in this "beautiful script"?
Moonflower- I was struck that you were on all fours. What does that signify for you? Any feelings?
Phoenix
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This was a very short dream. There was a letter addressed to me in beautiful script from my mother. It read: To the truly happy [my name].
That was all. That was all the dream.
Flower,
Thanks for this topic. It's fascinating how the unconscious works, isn't it? I wish I could remember a dream right now but I can't.
Your dream is so compelling, here are some thoughts that come to me off the bat:
-- Letters in a dream are messages from your unconscious. I think this letter is written from some hidden part of yourself, possibly a happy part of yourself...that it's in beautiful script and glowing leads me to believe this.
-- In dream the letter came from your mother and this may mean (I'm stretching here) that you have a kind internal parent who is reassuring and loving. Also that you have a strong yearning for your real-life mother to be this kind of mother.
However, I don't know whether in the dream you were creeped out by the letter or happy to get it. I'm assuming the latter.
bunny
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I had a dream this last week that my daughter was given a little house that was supposed to be for her. It seems that the house was from my Nmom and Ndad. It looked like a cute cottage on the outside but once a person went inside and looked around past the livingroom it became very shabby and broken down. Then when went into the basement it became room after room of broken down partially finished rooms with junk in them and the basement extended for a long while underground. There was a tunnel connecting the underground series of rooms to a large scary looking mansion in the distance. It seems like the mansion was owned by my parents. This dream seems so symbolic for my daughter was emotionally abused by my mom.
Wow - what imagery. Wasn't there also a house that your parents offered to you?
bunny
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Hi Flower,
I had the same response as Bunny to your dream. If I had this dream, it would have been a very positive one. How intriguing that you took it as a warning. Is that how you felt while dreaming or when you woke up and remembered Real Mom and Real Letters with dread? Perhaps you are afraid of your family's reaction to your own happiness, like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Have you been punished for showing happiness in the past? If so, this would be pretty hard to get past, the feeling ok to be happy. To feel joy. (I was supposed to happy all the same, not allowed to feel sad...)
Another thought was perhaps all the inner work you are doing is transforming the internal Nmom into a fairy godmother looking out for your wellbeing. Just a hope for you :D .
Hugs, Seeker
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Flower,
I think maybe the beautiful golden writing was not from your biological mother, but maybe from your internal mother, you nurturing and loving yourself, wishing yourself happiness.
Moonflower,
I used to dream about tornadoes several times per week, now I only dream them once every few months. I think it represents fear of not being able to stop disaster -- whether it relates specifically to an N, I don't know. I have also dreamed of walking down a street or in a field and jets fly over and drop bombs and I am running trying to dodge them and find somewhere to hide. I used to dream of falling from the car of a roller coaster and hanging on the rails by my hands and people stomping on my fingers, trying to get me to fall. Then the man in the black trench coat and hat always chasing me while I fly around -- he waits for me below while I hide on rooftops. I posted the dream a long time ago of me as a little girl raking leaves with my Dad and as I looked up at the house the NQueenmother was in an upstairs window glaring down at me with hatred in her eyes. I told my Dad about my dream and he told me I should try to get along better with her. I was only about 7 yr old at the time.
Phoenix,
The dream you had must truly have been a connection to your Aunt's situation. She must have been a very special person -- I am struck by her concern for others in the face of a dismal prognosis. She made her own plans and attended to the details -- she loved her daughter so much she wanted to spare her. That is so very wonderful -- love, true and sweet.
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flower,
Are you saying that the dream was about a part of yourself that doesn't give up hope on the parents, trying to seduce the more grownup parts of you?
bunny
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Does this hope in part of us ever subside? I know I feel it less as time goes by. I want to be prepared if I run into her at the regional shopping mall she comes to frequently near my home. I'm taking the dream as a warning that I could still get snookered by my parents. I can be a softy so I better keep my metal petals on.
Yeah the hope subsides once you accept your parents' weaknesses and limitations. Some people don't want to face the sadness, loss and depression that follows. :oops: Okay I now see the dream as a warning about running into your mom and being seduced by her. You have written yourself a message alerting you to the seduction.
bunny
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Flower,
Detaching is taken one memory at a time, one invitation ignored at a time, one missed Holiday at a time... but after awhile, you look back, you see all the debris left behind on the road of your past- and the freedom from all that weight is gone - and it feels great. When I walked away from my dad I walked away from everyone on his side of the family. I am so sorry for that, they have no idea. But then if they wanted they could have reached out to me. My sister after three years is just beginning to make amends with me. It was very hard. But it made me very strong and determined.
A turning point for me came when I observed with horror my mom taking on the eccentricities that come with impending old age – and she wasn’t really that old at the time. The small entitlements, the conceding to old age and taking refuge in pleading her frailty. I had to develop whole new tactics in how to deal with her. It became less how to reach my mom than strategizing new boundaries as we traveled down this new path together. For my dad, step one, total withdrawal from his life. Step two will be negotiated together when and if he sees that I am not coming back to his rule.
For me , the feelings have subsided, and acceptance is possible. It took bearing heavy grief, and feeling at times I would lose my mind as my past reshaped itself with my new understanding. I grew up in a whole different way than I ever thought, going through it.
You have a right and an obligation to find yourself in all this, and the only way is to accept the truth of them. Only in seeing them exactly as they are can you see exactly how you are. It is a tough exchange for someone who is giving, because you may be used to sacrificing yourself in all things, but wow- when you get a glimpse of who you really are apart from all that it is worth it. I am talking to myself here now as well as I crest that hill. Don't ever look back with regret. Lovingly,
Phoenix
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Ellie - not logged in
Phoenix, Flower, Moonflower, Bunny, DG,
This is such a captivating subject. I usually can't remember my dreams, but wake up exhausted from running from the whole lot of them. There are bits and pieces of conversations which are stupid and I'm just aggrevated with them.
Phoenix, you talked about detaching and susided feelings. It brought up quite a lot of thougts for me. With the holidays approaching I realized I no longer miss anything from my family. I'm very happy to not have to deal with them. In fact I have reached the point where I really can't imagine me, my H and kids interacting with Nparents anymore. We are so different that it would be like spending the holiday with a complete stranger. It's been over 8 years since we had a holiday with them and I couldn't be happier.
I guess that means I am detached for the most part now.
There's no denying the feeling of loss and wishing we could have had a better family, but I have lost all desire to spend time around anyone in my family. Nparents have convined my sisters to keep away from all communication so we only get jabs once in a while.
Sorry for the rambling - so many thoughts - so little time...
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Hi Flower,
Too bad about the phone message, ugh! But I do feel so empowered when I delete messages. Beep, gone! :D
You asked about the symbolism of houses and locking things out. Well, my suggestion would be that dreaming of a house you live in stands for your head or container for your thoughts. Unconscious, conscious, all that. Perhaps your daughter is trying to keep uncontrollable thoughts (rep. by the wild animals or dangerous intruders) out of her head. Perhaps she is working on controlling her thoughts and emotions for her own safety...?
I'm sorry to hear that your daughter is still upset. It's understandable, given the awful betrayal. I still question some of my decisions about my N and the only way I can justify it to myself is to revisit some of the hurts. Wish I didn't have to do that. :(
Hugs, Seeker
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Flower,
Are you familiar with Thomas Moore? I would recommend him to anyone who enjoys mythylogical and philosophical exploration of the meaning of our human lives.
I came across this little tidbit that relates to my daffodil dream. To refresh, in the dream I am riding in my car, there is no one at the wheel, and I am facing backwards (I am looking over the past, my interpretation-I am also Barbara Striesand. Rememer her song "Memories"? lol). I am concerned about how the car is staying on the road. But the car is staying on the road by itself. I am riding around the rim of a volcano. There are storm clouds in the distance. As I turn around to see where I am going, I reach up and pluck a stalk of daffodil out of the air, where it has magically appeared tumbling out of the blue. I have a sense of fate, of crossing paths at some soul appointed time. The daffodil is not quite in full bloom yet.:
When he is born, Narcissus is given this prophecy by Tiresias, "He will live to a ripe old age provided he never comes to know himself." Moore tells us that this is a strange prophecy because "it indicates that the story is about knowing oneself as well as loving oneself and that self-knowledge will lead to death." Clearly we are in the realm of mystery, he adds.
We next meet Narcissus when he is sixteen and so lovely that many young people are attracted to him. He is filled with a "hard pride", however, so no one can get to him. Echo, a nymph, falls in love with him, but she has this problem of her own: she can only repeat what someone has just said. But Narcissus rejects Echo and she loses her body and becomes a mere voice. She has stumbled into Narcissus before he attained self-knowledge.
[page 58] He represents an image of narcissism that has not yet found its mystery. Here we see the symptom: a self-absorption and containment that allows no connections of the heart. It is hard as a rock and repels all approaches of love. Obsessive, but not genuine, self-love leaves no room for intimacy with another. . . . In other words, the narcissist's display of self-love is in itself a sign that he can't find a way adequately to love himself.
Then comes the familiar part, he goes to a still pool and sees this beautiful person in the pool's reflection and falls in love with the form he sees.
[page 59, 60] Ovid describes Narcissus as fascinated by this visage that looks as though it were carved from marble, especially the ivory neck. (Notice the imagery of hardness, a key quality in narcissism.) Like the young people who desired him before, Narcissus feels a great yearning to possess this form. He reaches into the water, but he can't get hold of it. ………….
…………….The story in Ovid ends with a colorful detail. His companions look for his body but cannot find it. In its place they find a flower with a yellow center and white petals. Here we see the hard, rigid marble narcissism transformed into the soft, flexible textures of a daffodil, the narcissus. A Renaissance magus would probably suggest that in moment of narcissism we should place some fresh daffodils around the house, to remind us of the mystery we're in. The story begins with rigid self-containment and ends with the flowering of a personality. Care of the soul requires us to see the myth in the symptom, to know that there is a flower waiting to break through the hard surface of narcissism. Knowing the mythology, we are able to embrace the symptom, glimpsing something of the mysterious rule by which a disease of the psyche can be its own cure.
To read more on Thomas Moore: http://www.doyletics.com/arj/caresoul.htm
Phoenix
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This is a Dream Dictionary -- thought y'all might find it interesting:
http://astrocenter.astrology.msn.com/msn/DreamDictionary.aspx?GT1=5809
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Thanks DG I added that to my Dream Folder.
Here is another site as well: http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/h2.htm
Here is what it had to say about Houses:
House
To see a house in your dream, represents your own soul and self. Specific rooms in the house indicate a specific aspect of your psyche. In general, the attic represents your intellect, the basement represents the unconscious, etc. If the house is empty, then it indicates feelings of insecurity. If the house is shifting, then it suggests that you are going through some personal changes and changing your belief system.
To dream that you are cleaning your house, signifies your need to clear out your thoughts and getting rid of old ways. You are seeking self-improvement.
If you live with others in your waking life, but dream that you are living alone, suggests that you need to take new steps toward independence. You need to accept responsibilities and be more self-reliant.
To see an old, run-down house in your dream, represents your old beliefs, attitudes and how you used to think or feel. A situation in your current life may be bringing about those same old attitudes and feelings. Alternatively, the old house may symbolize your need to update you mode of thinking.
To see a new house in your dream, indicates that you are entering into a new phase or new area in your life.
To dream that your house is broken into, suggests that you are feeling violated. It may refer to a particular relationship or current situation in your life. Alternatively, it indicates that some unconscious material is attempting to make itself known. There are some aspects of yourself that you have denied.
To dream of a haunted house, signifies unfinished emotional business, related to your childhood family, dead relatives, or repressed memories and feelings.
To dream that a house disappeared, indicates that you are not feeling grounded. You feel uprooted by a particular circumstance or relationship in your life.
Phoenix