Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: OnlyMe on November 08, 2004, 08:48:36 PM
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It might just be me, or it might be the result of having NParents, but whenever someone is kind to me, my eyes puddle and I want to cry.
I am usually strong, which goes without saying because I have survived, and am still surviving, being the only child of NParents! However, an example is : today I was at the dr to renew a bland Rx, and when I saw him, my eyes puddled. He is kind, supportive and believes me about the N's, and I am so grateful that I want to burst into tears. The other day, a friend was painting little Christmas ornament angel, and when I commented on it, she gave me one to take home and paint, and my eyes puddled. I'm very tired way down inside, because of my dad's dying, looking after NM, etc, so maybe my emotions are still close to the surface.
But the thing is this : I can stand tough for just about anything that the world wants to hurl my way - but just be kind to me, and here come the tears.
Today, I wondered if maybe it has something to do with being an ACON? :?: Maybe it has something to do with NP's never being kind, except if they wanted or needed something :?: Or, maybe I just need a holiday! :lol:
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Thanks for your post OnlyMe,
I don't know why you tear up but it makes sense to me that you feel like crying when someone is kind to you.
Wish I had a doctor like yours.
I know I need a holiday. :!:
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Are any of these familiar?
I feel like I don't deserve to get kindness.
I dismiss compliments.
I argue back when someone tells me a job well done; I put it off to someone else.
I don't know how to take compliments.
Typical behavior of kids from Nparents. I guess I avoid being in a position to accept kind acts - but I would probably burst into tears.
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Hi OM,
I've done some reading on the board and your posts stand out to me. I just love reading them even though I don't have the same exact situation as you. As far as this being kind thing goes I can relate. It has been very hard in my life to accept kindness, it's like I had to be hard to survive. I started getting teary when I made my first steps in this journey. It's like the floodgate opened and years and years of stuff just came out. Every time I experienced kindness or even saw it on TV, there I was...snotty nose, crying and my H thought I had gone mad.
The beginning of the journey was years ago. Now I've accepted that my Nmom should have had her parent card revoked and I am a lot less teary eyed. It gets better with time I think. It sounds like you are just starting your journey. So take heart.
Nony
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OM,
Several years ago I had alot on my plate and ended up at Emergency fearful that something was terribly wrong with me. I was thinking things like MS, I was truly scared. My body was going numb.
Well, on top of that I hate hospitals, fear doctors, so the whole ordeal was terrifying.
The doctor was so kind, so gentle, and when he stooped down and looked me in the eyes, actually connected with my humanness, I keeled over and sobbed and sobbed. He was alarmed. He asked, "Are you suicidal?" Again the care and concern touched me and I cried harder. Finally I got myself together. He talked some about what was going on in my life, and told me that what I was suffering from was anxiety. My nervous system was having a blow out of sorts.
I went home, and just knowing now what was happening, having the unknown of my physical symptoms explained, the numbness started going away. But the greatest part of the experience was that doctor's kindness. And I had a generous nieghbor slip me some of her anxiety pills. Nice.
Things like kittens make me tear , too. :D Phoenix
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Hi OM,
I can relate a lot. I think this can be the case for very sensitive people, and you sound like a lovely, caring, sensitive soul.
I am a very sensitive person, and I get *so* grateful & appreciative when anyone does something even remotely kind, that I worry that I might be overreacting, so I stifle the outward response to what I think is socially "normal".
Inwardly though, I'm so touched and depending on what it was that was done for me, I might have a good cry about it later on.
Like with the ornament example you gave, I feel these things really actually directly touch my spirit/soul and show me something about life, humanity, etc. Whereas it might not register beyond the mere surface "that was nice & move on" level with less sensitive people.
I think sensitive people are very, very deep thinkers and see in things, deeper and more personal meanings than the average person does.
It's really a great and special quality to have, but it can also be very painful because sensitive people also take in more aspects of troubling/hurtful situations than non-sensitives as well.
But I'm with you all the way on that one... I'm crying (and postulating on the meaning of life & universal concepts-LOL!) over certain tv. commercials, things I hear, read about or witness indirect or direct that are very kind human acts...
(whoops, I just sighed my real name out of habit!) er... BT, that is :)
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I also get very emotional and deeply moved by kindness and compliments. But I can feel very uncomfortable about people doing things for me, that I could have done for myself; even little things like making a cup of tea! I really regret the effect this has had on my dear, sweet, caring, thoughtful Husband. I found I had virtually 'trained' him not to do so much for me! I've only recently found out about NPD, and at last I can put a name to the problem and begin to understand. Let me try to explain what I think has happened and please tell me if it rings true.
My Dad did so much for my NMum, who of course was never satisfied; nothing was ever right. He tried so hard to please her, and all he got was a constant bombardment of criticism and put-downs. I hated to see such a lovely, loving man treated this way and in my efforts not to do the same to my own H, I've gone too far. I panic when he does some little thoughtful thing for me; 'Oh no! I'm taking him for granted and abusing his love.'
Since finding out about NPD and realising that this fits my Mum like a glove, I have at last begun to make sense of my past and present experiences. My H readily agrees that she is N and tries to reassure me that I am not! Now we can talk about it and are beginning to heal some wounds. It'll take a long time though.
Incidentally, I have also found an ally in my doctor. I went to see her shortly after I first learnt of NPD, as I was feeling dreadful at the time and thought I needed to go back on antidepressants. I mentioned my dawning suspicions that maybe M had a personality disorder. She attends the same practice, so I was wary of talking about it, but my Dr was incredibly supportive and even went so far as to advise me to limit time spent with NM, as it was clearly damaging my own mental health! Having that 'permission' and 'medical advice' has meant so much to me and helped me to look after myself and protect myself.
Getting rambly now! Love to all. Avril
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OM,
I hope you puddle up all over this board :)
You are so very, very special.
I think I know what you mean about the sentimental feelings brought on by acts of kindness (particularly unexpected, random ones, especially from a stranger). When this happens to me, it literally causes me to gasp in amazement, disbelief and gratitude. I don't worry though that someone may be "up to something," I just take it and smile or blink back tears. Sometimes I wonder if we "expected" more kindness out of others, would we get it? You know, self-fulfilling, etc.
I must admit to feeling jealous when I have seen women being treated kindly by their families, of course, especially by their parents. I once worked with a woman whose mother would take her own coffee break (she worked and lived close) and run home and make a fresh glass of ice tea and then bring it to my friend where I worked. It would just blow me away. I also have friends whose mothers came and helped them out after the birth of their children or after an illness or surgery, etc. -- I think that would be so great. But, then I think of all that I do for my children because it is the "natural way," so perhaps there are some out there watching and wishing they had a mother like me. Who knows.
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Well, my eyes are just puddling away over here!
Thank you all for the wonderful ideas you have written - and it has brought so many buried thoughts bubbling to the surface. I love this Board, for it helps us sort out so much of why we react the way we do to various situations. I am learning so much about myself through you.
This is what I have learned about my boohoos, so far, thanks to you all :
DG, yes, I think I am so accustomed to being invisible and voiceless, that when someone acknowledges me with kindness, or manages to see the 'good' in me, I probably become overwhelmed with emotions.
Avril, I, too, find it hard to let anyone do anything for me, even my kind, dearH.
BT, yes, I am very sensitive - extremely sensitive. When someone is kind, I feel as though they have really seen my soul. I rarely watch movies, because I even cry when there is a happy ending! Good grief.
And Phoenix, maybe my emotional system is having a bit of a blow-out at the moment - what a great expression. I've been having trouble sleeping for months, etc...... must get some little blue tabs!
Nony, you also have a good point - I have only been aware of NPD for a few years, but the depth of the craziness is always unfolding, and I am still on the rollercoaster ride of learning how it has affected the very core of who I am, and I am working so very hard to be strong, healthy and invincible! But sometimes, the whole situation is just tooo much to bear.
Ellie, yes, familiar : I feel like I don't deserve to get kindness.....good one. and I don't know how to take complements. Yes, familiar. Thanks. (I was riding my motorcycle on Sunday, too - it helps, doesn't it?!)
flower, thanks for understanding.
All your voices have helped me understand myself better, and thank you for taking the time to help me. Next time it happens, at least I'll have a better understanding of why, and that in itself will help me grow stronger.
(((( All ))))
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OM,
You may want to check into GABA and niacinimide from the health food store. It is natural; GABA is an amino acid. I don't have the side effects and I have a more natural sleep than with pills, & wake up with less grogginess. Also, GABA by itself is great for calming your nerves in the waking hours. :D Phoenix
Oh yeah,it will stimulate dreams.
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Phoenix,
Okie dokie!! I'll check into it.
Thanks for the info. I feel better already!
and thnx for the warning about dreams!
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I'm like that to. I actually like it! Because its just so nice to feel for a change! I do tend to be able to hold back tears most times, but I'm still in the process of 'thawing out' anyway (but theres an argument that says emotions can be 'managed' to a degree possibly, if we learn how (I think?)) without having to compromise our sensitivity) , but at least am beginning to feel moved/feel whats moving me. Despite the fact I've spent years being a cold person, (in that I cut my feelings off/went numb a great deal long ago), I think deep down I'm a very sensitive person. I mean I always knew, I just forgot, due to cutting my feelings off, and whatnot, not realising I was (i.e. feelings not being validated as I grew up, other than 'stop being stupid/don't start that again!' if I expressed upset that (in my mothers eyes, of course!) seemed 'silly'. (Well mother, ever wonder how I got to being so easily upset/unnerved????) Its funny, but possibly the reason i became so not sensitive is because I really am very sensitive.
Anyway, I'm rambling/repeating myself, point being, feelings are always gonna be more intense if they've been repressed. Happy things make me cry as well as sad, incidentally.
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Just another point (and it's one I have said before, so please bare with me, I cannot control my fingers :) ) -- there are most probably lots and lots and lots of ACON's out there who were able to shrug it off or who have never realized it yet or who said "yeah, I got a raw deal, but I'm going to go on with my life and forget about all that horrible stuff." (lucky them) -- we on this forum fall into another category (I think) and we are only here because of our sensitive minds. I would dare say we would be individuals finely attumed to life's ways whether we were ACON's or not. So, for all of you ACON's out there who have just put a period to it and gone on, I bow to you. You know, I read that Descartes said sort of -- I am paraphrasing as much as I can remember, "a sensitive mind begats a depressed mind begats a sensitive mind." I think most of us do not have (or are missing) whatever internal mechanism is required to be unkind. Personally, I am very happy for that quality.
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I've been wanting to say, me too, me too, but I'm not quite there yet. I think most of my responses get stuck in my throat. My story, briefly - about 2 years ago I felt like there was a lump in my throat all the time. It felt just like when you stifle your tears and you get a lump in your throat and I guess that's really what it was. Long story short - I actually had throat surgery for what throat specialists now tell me was/ is just very tight throat muscles. I still have the same symptoms but am somewhat more aware of why I hold everything in. I wish I could move the tears out of my throat and up to my eyes. Amazingly to me, as I make progress with N issues, my throat relaxes.
My husband tears up all the time. He is embarrassed by it but I always tell him it was precisely that sensitivity that attracted me to him.
Les
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Moonflower,
Melatonin sure helps me sleep, but I wake up puffy and groggy.
GABA has been great for me. I would suggest experimenting to find the right amount for you. I think anything that induces sleep can make you feel groggy in too great a quantity. GABA is still my first choice.
KAVA KAVA also is great for occasional use - occasional because it is hard on the kidneys. But if you only have a few hours to sleep and need to wake up refreshed-Kava Kava is amazing. It brings on heavy colorful dreams. I like this myself as I often look to my dreams to work things out.
Twin labs has a mix that is 200mg GABA with 400mg niacinimide. I don't like the niacinimide for day use, so I like to buy the two seperate. I buy NOW brand of GABA (500 mg in powder capsules), and supplement with 200 mg niacinimide.
I find the capsules more useful, as they can be pulled apart for lower dosage. Sometimes I use just a 4th of a capsule. If I am having a low day, I pour a capsule in water to drink throughout the day.
Here is info and a caution:
GABA
GAMA-AMINOBUTYRIC ACID, commonly known as GABA, is a non-essential amino acid formed from glutamic acid with the help of Vitamin B6. GABA functions as a neurotransmitter in the central nervous system, decreasing neuron activity thus preventing them from overfiring. With niacinamide (B3) and inositol, GABA prevents anxiety and stress-related messages from reaching the motor centers of the brain, and is essential for brain metabolism.
GABA can be taken to calm the body in much the same way as valium, librium, and other tranquilizers without the fear of addiction. It is increasingly being recommended in place of many of these drugs. GABA has been used in the treatment of epilepsy and hypertension. In addition, some research has shown that it may also be helpful in reducing enlarged prostates through stimulating the release of the hormone prolactin by the pituitary. Too much, however, can produce unpleasant symptoms like anxiety, shortness of breath, numbness around the mouth, and tingling in the extremeties. In addition, abnormal levels will interfere with the brain's message system, causing seizures.
http://www.innvista.com/health/nutrition/amino/gaba.htm
I hope this works for you as well as it does for me. I hate being with out it, although I don't use it on a daily basis. Phoenix
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Long story short - I actually had throat surgery for what throat specialists now tell me was/ is just very tight throat muscles. I still have the same symptoms but am somewhat more aware of why I hold everything in. I wish I could move the tears out of my throat and up to my eyes. Amazingly to me, as I make progress with N issues, my throat relaxes.
On top of the emotional abuse we suffer as a result of our NParents, we also have physical manifestations of it as well. As I read this, Les, I am sitting here with huge knots in my shoulders - I have had them for as long as I can remember, and I am sure they are caused by living in the 'fight or flight' mode my entire life. And, like you, as I make progress with my N issues, my knots are not quite as painful, but they never go away. A few years ago, when I was having a massage, I suddenly started to cry, for no apparent reason. The massage therapist explained that when a muscle knot starts to loosen, the emotion that caused it initially, years ago, is released, and that my tears were the release of that emotion.
It makes me sad and angry at the same time when I see, read and learn about the abuse that so many of us have had to endure at the hands of the very people who are meant to love us unconditionally. When I thought I was the only one going through this pain, I was coping, somehow feeling that I must have deserved it all, but since discovering this Board, I find it an absolute horror to learn that there are so many of us who have been damaged my our NParents, the very people we should be able to trust with our lives.
~onlyme
(Les, i rec'd your pm re personal alarms - thank you for your kind words...same back to you.)
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I know about the lumps in the throat, the dry mouth and the trembling lips -- about the sudden spasm in the stomach that feels as if an invisible foot just kicked me. The tension in my neck and shoulders has given me severe headaches since I was 10 yr old. When I speak to old school chums, they all remember my headaches. I have noticed in the last few years that I don't get as many as I once did, but when I do it is a doozie. I have a little shiatsu massager that provides relief when I cannot get my husband to massage my scalp, neck and shoulders, but your skin can only take so much of that hard rolling, deep massage. I once had a masseuse say "wow, that knot has been there a long time hasn't it." Ah, if she only knew that it was left over from a lifetime of tension -- vigilance for the whammee to come out of nowhere and sleepless nights for a little girl trying to figure out what she had done wrong.
:(
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Ah, if she only knew that it was left over from a lifetime of tension -- vigilance for the whammee to come out of nowhere and sleepless nights for a little girl trying to figure out what she had done wrong.
Here come the tears, for that sentence so eloquently describes me and my life, too. :cry:
I still can hardly believe that I am not the only one who lived that kind of life.
How blessed and thankful I feel to have found this place. There is a hope for healing, here.
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L-tryptophan and OmegaBrite are both seretonin elevators and I have noticed a big difference taking them. For depression take 6 of the Omega
Brite per day. I got this recomendation from a psychiatrist of a friend who was depressed. He took them himself!!! Both can be ordered over the Internet or you can locate the information and call their 800 number. I do not sleep well either and they help.
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I had lots of physical manifestations as well. For years couldn't sleep. Stomach problems, nervousness and above all adrenalin rushing all the time. I wore out my adrenal glands.
I wish any of that sleep stuff worked for me. Melatonin gave me not only dreams but scary ones, so be careful with the right dose. You might want to experiment.
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QUOTE: (DiscountedGirl) '' I once had a masseuse say "wow, that knot has been there a long time hasn't it." Ah, if she only knew that it was left over from a lifetime of tension -- vigilance for the whammee to come out of nowhere and sleepless nights for a little girl trying to figure out what she had done wrong. :( ''
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I hear that. I remember one time I was with a girl during my teens, and she commented I was tense. She said couldn't belive how tense I was (after touching my shoulders). I'm not sure I even knew what 'tense' even meant, as such. I was always tense. How I felt didn't matter anyway (!). So yeah, to me 'tense' was normal. Um...sorry to be depressing, but I have no doubt this s**t has taken a few years of me, being keyed up for so long. Churning, churning churning. Its like you kick into a gear, and stay locked in it, even if its slow burning, and not necessarily panic attacks every day. Can't be good. Maybe I'd get a little more benefit from it now (a good, proper massage), but in the past I would have got one, felt better, then my mind would probably just *spring* back into its 'natural' high wired state afterwards. :S.
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Oh,OM, I wish I could be there to give you a hug and just sit and listen! I feel a special kinship to you since we're both the only children of N parents.
Your stories reminded me of when i was teaching kindergarten and the kids gave me a lovely present, and I broke down and SOBBED! Scared the kids half to death. Geesh remind me not to give presents to grown-ups if this is how they act! Is school over yet?
But the bottom line,OM, is that I was carrying around such pain, and it was right there, just beneath the surface. It was as if my sadness had dwarfed all my other emotions, so that when any event went rumbling through my emtional storeroom, it fell into this huge vat of sadness.
OM, do you have a place where you can vent regularly? That's been such a help to me. All the years of having no refuge,no reality check, have finally been exorcised out of my spirit (at least for the most part). The first couple of times I saw my therapist, I just sat and sobbed. She said she felt she was seeing my soul weeping.
OM, I agree with the other posts that you're probably a very sensitive soul. After all, we grew up with a finger extended in the air, constantly checking to see which way the wind was blowing. But I do think that anytime the narcissism is undiluted by other targets (siblings, for instance), the effect is even more detrimental. The scars go especially deep when you feel YOU are the only one not capable of ever getting it right, YOU alone are not worthy of uncondtional love, and YOU alone don't deserve the air you breathe. We have to rewrite the script for ourselves.
OM, this is a long hard road we've traveled. I often wonder if I had siblings if I'd have realized sooner that it wasn't me. Maybe not. But it's part of what's made us who we are.
What's clear is that the journey has made you sombody special. Do you know the story of the Velveteen Rabbit? You're a real person. Somebody worth taking care of. Make sure you're exorcising your ghosts of the past too!
Stillstanding