Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on April 12, 2011, 10:40:07 PM
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Hi PR--
You okay? What's the latest?
It's hard to fathom that all of these older folks, including the most problematic one, are keeling over nearly all at once in your life. That's got to be really rough on you.
How are you coping? I hope no triggers are set off and if they are, they're just wee shadows given your hard-won and very real boundary-ability.
Strength to you, woman.
love,
Hops
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huh... I'm just fine Hops. No triggers... nothing untoward... I just decided to see if any solar rays could make it thru the thick clouds of pollen to my skin yesterday. Because I "got things I gotta do" and I'm really tired of waiting for other people to be ready - I can't get anyone to commit... make a decision... and it might be my only chance to indulge the Cherokee genes and brown up my body for awhile.
My mom is better; she has a C-Difficile infection - which is now being treated but her kidneys weren't responding too well, so she started dialysis yesterday. I talked to her - and she complained of how the nurses have re-injured the knee she fell on over the winter and hasn't done anything about yet. Bro's priorities have been re-organized for him - at least temporarily. And I do feel for him...
his FIL died while wife/kids were on spring break; at the funeral he hears that his best friend died of a heart attack over the weekend... and then he ends up standing there at home, looking at mom on the sofa where she'd been all weekend (because he travelled with his team)... not responding to his wife's statements that he needs to take her to the ER NOW; she finally called 911. He still hasn't fully processed my Dad's death... and I know my mom intended to talk to him about getting around to setting up his own documents; making those decisions... last week. I don't know if she did - but she might remember while she's recovering. He keeps avoiding making any decisions that will create changes in his life - or even acknowledge the changes that have already occurred. And he's doing the best he can not to completely dissociate for long periods of time, right now. That is his reflex to emotional pain. And yes, I know he feels pain - even being GC and all - Mr. Entitlement - it's just his empathy and fairness feelings that are gathering dust and cobwebs. He won't take my advice about therapy.
I offered to go out & stay with my mom, because his team has a big meet on the coast and he was supposed to leave today. But even yesterday, he could only go as far as saying he didn't "think" he was going to go. I'm waiting to hear how the dialysis goes before I make a decision. And I already know I don't want to go. I HAVE to deal with my old house and get it on the market, since my bro-business partner is that in name only - and only says NO to every suggestion I make about how to manage cashflow (those old unused feelings of empathy and fairness, you know?). And I have a deadline for this; it's not openended anymore.
So I'm feeling a really selfish angry tantrum coming on... since it still feels "wicked" and I get these waves of guilt... for taking care of myself first and not letting someone else's crises interrupt me nor my life... and there is ALWAYS another crisis... that "only Amber" can take care of.... I wanna know when the hell it's my turn to be taken care of? And why is it, that I have to do it myself AND take care of the "others"??? And why is it my self-interest isn't as important as someone else's? And why am I not "supposed" to take care of myself - despite what someone else thinks about that????? Who CARES what they think?
Somethings' gotta give you know? So... this time, I think I'm thinking "me first".
Thanks for asking Hops.
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Well, I hope you do put yourself first, Amber.
Let us know how that works out.
Lighter
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It's a balancing act - highwire - you know, Lighter?
There is a very real limit I have, about how much I can effectively "do" - before resentment starts to increase; sort of like blood pressure. I have found that if I do take care of myself first - and that takes many forms - my capacity to "do" and give increases with no ill effects or consequences. (It has no effect whatsoever on Nism, btw - it only determines whether the inevitable Nism affects me in negative ways... and if I get sucked into participating in those negative effects.)
Boundaries between people remind me a lot of push-hands... and I used to be pretty good at push-hands, for a beginner. Boundaries within myself - like the idea of taking care of myself first - are still much fuzzier. There's still a lot diplomatic communique's going back & forth between my rational self & Twigs... especially where FOO is concerned. Negotiations, compromise, and yes, sometimes tantrums... unless I take care of Twigs first. She's still easily freaked out and very, very wary. Can't say as I blame her, either!!
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So, Hops... an update on me... and maybe clearer expressions of my opinion about expecting help over on your self-doubt thread. It will help me to try to write this out.
Situation with my mom, is that she's improved enough that hospital wants to release her... however her immune system has been severely compromised. She's still being treated for 2 infections and will need to continue dialysis - at this point, indefinitely - and she'll be frequently assessed. I sat with her yesterday and we babbled. On the one hand, she knows she's really sick and she's starting to slide into that child-like state: take care of me, make me feel better, why do I feel so yucky? On the other, she's challenging and fighting the treatment she's getting... because she's been too disoriented to understand what she was being told. So I prompted the Dr. to explain the connection between the kidney failure and the infections yesterday. He told her she almost died - and why.
Remember CB's son and the struggle to get him to understand what he needed to do to care for himself? Despite my mother's age and how long she's been dealing with diabetes - she still doesn't get it; doesn't accept that there are things she needs to watch out for... and with the additional mental confusion caused by these infections... she doesn't take good care of herself; she can't. The fact is - she was too sick to realize she needed help and my brother didn't realize it, either. That would've involved making a decision... sigh... being an adult... and adjusting his day's schedule and begging off other things that, in his mind, were equally important to him. (I do understand the conflict; he wasn't making it up or inflating it... and I do know what the "piling on" effect is; I know that's exactly what he was experiencing emotionally and that's partly responsible for his decision-paralysis - in that moment. But it is also a character trait; more than that with him.)
That leads me into the topic of bro, but that's going to require a whole 'nother thread! LOL... but, truly - he is mystifying the doctors and frustrating me - with his complete avoidance of responsibility, diversion into the competing things he's dealing with, and expecting me to walk into the picture - become his mommy - and fix everything; make it all better. Makes it that much easier to blame me later, you know? Justify himself and his obstructionist and avoidant behavior. So, I talked with SIL... because of my mom's wish to be released to home care. It will need to be 24/7 for a couple of weeks; at least. It will affect her and the kids... and my bro... but he hasn't thought that through yet. A couple of complications with this plan, though. My mom intends to sleep on the couch on the main floor. And the house is right out of an episode of hoarders. SIL and I made a dent in it yesterday afternoon... but there are still trip hazards... and any home health worker is going to feel completely in the way and not able to function... because there is simply no place for them. My SIL agrees with me 100% - but she is completely resigned to not even saying a thing; not even stating her self-interest or that of the kids. She's given up trying to fight the joined at the hip duo of Bro & Mom. She feels very much that he's married to mom and that she doesn't matter. Boy - does that sound familiar, huh?
So I'm expecting a difficult scene when bro and I meet with the Dr. today and make a final decision. He wanted to release her today - but nothing's been set up for her... and may not even be able to be accomplished on Monday. I am not able... since I don't live here, don't have POA. And bro had other fish to fry. I was able to get mom to understand that the nursing home was temporary and soften up her resistance to that idea. I'm expecting that I'm going to finally get pissed and ugly and say a lot of things that have been bottled up for years. Just because he doesn't communicate, doesn't hear, doesn't decide; and is effectively "not there"... yet insists on having the final say in any decision. I have no idea how the Dr. will respond to that situation, but yesterday one of the docs asked me if I was the organized one and gave me the responsibility of reminding everyone about a followup appt in a few months. Does that indicate what their impression of my bro is? Or am I reading into that?
My expectations - all of them, including how I myself will behave - is built on a fear. My expectations aren't reality; they aren't predictive with any degree of statistical probability; and none of what I fear may actually happen. So that weak in the knees & flipflop stomach - "I'm gonna get it now" feeling - can just go away. It's not helpful. Whether it's a fear that I'll piss someone off, or be completely discounted and dismissed and not taken seriously, whether my bro will decide that he doesn't give a rat's ass what I want for the best interests of my mom - and acknowledges the consideration I'm allowing for him and his family - whether I'm breaking some kind of taboo ---
I have a realistic, justified, rational self-interest in this situation. She's my mom too. I am a day's travel away and it takes such a toll on me to travel like this; not to mention deal with all the dysfunction and try to find a way through it... that I have to protect myself. I also have a life and can't just travel at the drop of a hat. Believe it or not - I can't afford it; thanks again to my bro and poor communications from advisors. I'm getting on a plane Monday and flying home - no matter WHERE the situation stands...
... and I'm SO TIRED of WHINING about my brother and how unfair all this is; how unreasonable, inflexible, un-adult he is. How he's in his own world - which is obvious to almost everyone who gets to know him. She almost died because he didn't recognize how seriously ill she was and he left her completely alone for 3 days. It does happen - we're not all doctors or nurses - and she was responsive on Sat last week. I don't blame him... but then, there's reality. The one the rest of the world inhabits.
I told SIL yesterday that I'd given up all hope of being able to get through; to open a window or door from the common reality into his - but on the other hand, for some unknown reason - I can't stop trying. Like the lottery: if you don't play you can't win, you know? My expectations could be all wrong...miracles DO happen... or so I believe... I mean hey - the earth really did shift on it's axis so many inches, after the Japan earthquake... I've been wrong before and I'll be wrong again and have made an informal study of expecting the unexpected and realizing that it's not possible to "know" everything; plan for everything.
And besides, it feels a whole lot better than being afraid someone's going to be offended or oppose me, to look at what I want - my mom settled in good care so I can go home without worrying - and believe and trust that it's perfectly OK and acceptable to want this. DESPITE all the vengeance and venom I've spewed about my mom here over the years and in my journals - I think I'm finally at the "she did the best she could given who she is" place - thanks to what Lighter wrote last week and just the effect of time & working through... I have been working on letting her go for years... and the reality is, that in her current state the reality of her death is down to a matter of time - and the level of care she gets, which she can no longer do on her own reliably...
... but for that better feeling, to manifest itself in the "common reality"... I have allow myself to not fear... via scary expectations... to trust myself and my judgement... to make a decision... communicate it... and do it showing my "big girl panties"... not whining, arguing, or otherwise playing the old roles. To be kind, considerate, gentle and FAIR... and not budge an inch.
Wish me luck.
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Amber,
So sorry to hear about all this.
In your last post, 2 key lines struck me:
"I have to protect myself"
and
"to look at what I want - my mom settled in good care so I can go home without worrying"
I think when someone is seriously ill, these 2 things are what matters most: First: that we take care of ourselves, otherwise, we can't help them to the best of our abilities and Second: that they get the best care available. So, you know what needs to be done, but the question is how hard will bro fight you? When facing those battles, refer to #1: "I have to protect myself". Your view of the situation sounds very logical & reasonable, but you are dealing with 2 wild cards: your mother & brother.
I agree that if her house is like Hoarders, there's no place for a home attendant to stay and it's not a safe environment for your mother, either.
For your own peace of mind, could you please acknowledge to yourself that you are dealing with two very dysfunctional, illogical & unreasonable people: Mother & brother. Do the best you can do, but don't sacrifice yourself because you cannot fix them. Hold on to whatever happiness & good feelings you have in your life & don't let this situation destroy that.
Good luck, Amber.
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Good luck, Amber and hear hear to putting on the big girl panties.
Don't give up, don't give an inch and don't let anyone trample your boundaries.
Lighter
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Dear PR,
The option to succomb to the wishes of everyone else in these circumstances will be ever present, threatening and annoying. That part won't change and it's the part that is most likely to trip you up. It keeps a person locked into guerilla warfare mode - it all feels like there's no way out except to walk through the mine field to the other side. But there is! You've a plan in place - trust it. I think you summed it up when you said, ... but for that better feeling, to manifest itself in the "common reality"... I have allow myself to not fear... via scary expectations... to trust myself and my judgement... to make a decision... communicate it... and do it showing my "big girl panties"... not whining, arguing, or otherwise playing the old roles. To be kind, considerate, gentle and FAIR... and not budge an inch.
You've got it girl! Set your face like a flint. Stick with your plan.
tt
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Thanks, Phamily...
it helps to know where I think the "middle ground" is... and then not give more than that. I'll have more to say about Bro's behavior when I get home. It's irritating, yes... but I think I'm also past letting it get under my skin and make me angry, too. I'm walking my path and he either comes along or I'm going without him. His choice. He knows what I will/won't do at this point - I think.
What I won't do is wait around for him any longer to remember to call, or meet me... or whatever. Control me and waste my time, in other words. I have my path, such as it is... and how I let his crap affect me... whether or not I deviate; make an exception for him... which amounts to a form of "caretaking"... is all up to me. I make those rules - for me - and if he misses an opportunity; so be it. I'm so done with passive-aggressiveness and the toll that takes on me trying to always accommodate it.
Take care of me first. And I know what my limits are, I think - and when to let go, now. That really, really helps.
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Would it help to tell him, in a calm sort of way--
I need to let you know something. I want to count
on you when you say you're going to call me, or you're
going to meet me at a certain time.
If you don't get in touch, or call when you said you would,
or come when you said you would...I have decided not to
get into any arguing or push-pull about it. But I won't hold
up any actions or decisions if you don't make contact. I will
be going ahead.
(If all this is said without anger, then maybe he'll begin to
realize that you are behaving like a grownup, and he is
invited to do the same. But if he chooses not to, you're
going to behave like one anyway.)
Good luck, Amber.
xo
Hops
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Hops - exactly right. P-A types always use anger to amp up their controlling behavior (tho' they completely excuse themselves for lobbing anger bombs - they're the victim, always - you know?)... and to make the angry person feel like somehow it's all their fault, and that they're rediculous/crazy for being angry.
I got it.... I got it.... FINALLY. I just didn't believe that - on the continuum of passive-aggressiveness... both bro & mom are at the almost (if not for real) pathological end of that continuum. I still believed that logic and reason would have some impact.**
As I sat listening to my SILs anger... she was saying there's no point trying to reason with either of them; they think they're right - always - and have already decided to do what they want. And I asked rhetorically, I had no hope of ever changing either one - but why couldn't I stop trying???... hoping for a miracle. You know what? Today I stopped hoping for a miracle. There is LOTS I can do... I am not helpless (keep telling myself this)... and he/she doesn't control me, even if they're under the delusion that they do.
I am not going to get sucked back into the vortex of that horrible, bleak, no-way-out, helpless, powerless world. AT ALL. I do need to upgrade my communication skills for this particular PD... learn a lot more about it and use it when I must interact. Otherwise?
10 foot pole time.
** hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa! If I couldn't laugh at myself and life, I'd really go insane. I didn't say it was a happy laugh, tho!
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Amber:
How is your SIL going to handle caretaking your mother?
Is she capable of taking that on?
I'm assuming your brother will help?
What does your SIL say about her ability to meet your mother's needs?
What about her willingness to try?
Do you think she might put some logical boundaries in place, for herself and your mother's, best interests?
I'm thinking that you might get sucked back into the vortex, should they drop the ball on your mother's care.
Have you thought about how you'll handle that at all?
Lighter
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Yes, Lighter I have thought about the consequences of my brother/mother deciding on a course opposite of the doc's recommendation. My flight was booked to leave on Monday... and I'm now home.
I don't think that it's appropriate for me, now, to raise objections, make demands or even express concerns and wouldn't think of even suggesting to anyone in that household how to manage. Bro won't change his schedule or lifestyle - well, just won't change is more accurate. SIL - has been dealing with this for years; sees the writing on the wall and knows it doesn't matter how angry she gets - she also isn't important enough; doesn't matter enough - to effect any change. She is also walking her own path.
I walked away from the mess. I'll talk to my mom tomorrow to see whether this is still what she wants. It's very, very dangerous for me to be involved f2f - except from a distance where I can see the dynamic better.
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Huge revelation, Amber. Let go & let G-d: We didn't cause it, we can't fix it, so leave it to G-d.
Sounds like your SIL is like a Guardian Angel, confirming to you that you cannot change them.
Sounds like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders.
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Bro has created all the elements of his own perfect storm...
SIL works and is very busy; not home much. She will be home even less now, unless she feels she needs to defend her territory... the small bit that she's allowed in her own house. Bro is hiring home health care - who, once they see and smell the disaster area mom lives in will more than likely be required to report it - oh yeah, and bro is getting ready to rip roof and walls down to reno the house this summer -
Bro is almost NEVER home and even tho' he says he always has a phone with him - simply doesn't answer it; respond to messages, etc. I actually reached him in the office one day and he said he'd call me back that evening. A week later, he decided it was time... he "forgot", you know? Except it's ALWAYS this way with him. People call me, asking if I've heard from him - know how to reach him; and it's only by asking my mom that I ever find out how to get in touch with him. The information he gives me usually turns out to be "wrong" when I need to use it... SIGH.
So, I guess he's going to pay for 24 hr care. I told him I couldn't afford to split that cost with him (and that's another issue between us - but he didn't care enough to even come talk to me about it.) SIL told me - that since both of them work in schools and have two kids in school - that it's not the best situation for someone whose immune-impaired to recover in. She is angry again. PLUS - they now have strangers in their house... and that's SIL's territory; I'm staying out of it.
But of course, mom'll be there. And any little thing that SIL says to express her frustration, discomfort and anger will be amplified and interpreted as "abuse" by mom. When I was trying to get her to agree - accept - that a nursing home would be a better place to recover until she was stronger, I actually reminded her of this particular delusional interpretation of reality. Mom says it stresses her out... and she'll use that to blame SIL if she relapses. She doesn't even have her own self-interest of recovering prioritized above the game she & bro play.
I know how this drama all ends. If it doesn't, it's some kind of miracle. But I absolutely did the best I could to influence this; so did the doctor... and there's nothing else he can do and I find myself in the very same position.
So.... phew! I'm outta there. Back to the real world... done processing it all... there are things to do, think about, plan and lots & lots of other people to enjoy.
THANK YOU all for all the all the support, validation, suggestions and atta girls.... Phamily! :D
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I absolutely did the best I could to influence this; so did the doctor... and there's nothing else he can do and I find myself in the very same position.
Whew.
What a boundary.
Good GOING.
It's always hard to pinpoint what is releasing the outcome and what is giving up. I don't think you gave up, Amber.
xxoo
Hops
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I don't think I gave up either, Hops. I just sorta got out of the way. There've been some echos of the old " I'm doing something really bad" feeling... but they've been mild & a little rediculous.... patently absurd. Credit goes to my SIL, and where she is on her path and our ability to talk to each other... I won't go so far as to say we have a relationship; my tendency to NC with that family unit prevented that.
But it was her work, when she said: they're married to each other; I just live here and I know I can't change that.
Something in me felt that; felt the finality of it for her and in the space of hours I came to feel that same acceptance myself. At that point I also knew the finality of it... and yes, I could release the outcome. Yes, my brother's bait & switch still made me angry - though he still doesn't know that - and yes, I've been "hooked" into obsessing over it again. From this perspective, I can finally see that this is the nuclear waste, radioactive emotional toxins of being involved with them. It's never safe for me, you know?
For the past 2 years, running into the same toxins over business topics with my brother, part of me was logically supposing that my brother would've changed; he's 52 for god's sake... he's had a moderately successful coaching career... surely he'd "changed". But no. In the first 6 months, I experienced a full-on "terror of the situation" vision of how little he'd changed and relayed that to the trustee in a lengthy letter (even for me). The trustee has vented his own frustration at the level of P-A that is the controlling & delusional side of my brother to me. Together, we have been patiently trying to wear him down or get past bro's obstructionism. However, trustee does have to maintain a relationship with both of us, so I've contracted with another group of advisors - which trustee repeatedly encouraged me to from the beginning - to help me define the options open to me, which are in my best interest. I am now pursuing those, with due diligence and as much speed as is comfortable without losing the time to thoroughly review and consider.
If my brother doesn't even recognize that she is my mother as well - and that the doctor recommends only what he thinks is in her best interest - how can I engage in the necessary give & take (with any trust) that is required for business? I am terrified - absolutely terrified - that the level of his P-A will eventually interfere with the business. Terror, for me, is a great clarifier and motivator. So while he thinks he "won" this time, I'm busily preparing my own position, doing all the what-ifs, considering as many possible outcomes that are fair and equitable... to avoid a deadlock in the business and still protect myself and all the people who work at the business.
And by the way - the results when you tell a P-A "no" are very, very similar to telling an N no; except they may not have an anger meltdown right then & there... they'll resort to other strategies to pull the rug out from under you... make it abundantly clear that you don't matter and that they are in control. And they have an arm's worth of excuses for that, to back it up too. Because they think - just like Ns - that they're "special" and different and that they can do what they want with no consequences... comfortable within their delusion of control.
And they don't expect someone they think they control to do anything except implode, self-destruct; or give up. SURPRISE.
Yippee-Ki-Yay....
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And they don't expect someone they think they control to do anything except implode, self-destruct; or give up. SURPRISE.
Yes, indeed.
I'll start gathering wood for the fire: )
(((Amber)))
Lighter
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Thanks Lighter! :D
Actually, I need a break from the whole topic for a few days. I scheduled myself a massage to help detox, tomorrow. And I just need to think about something else.