Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Twoapenny on May 04, 2011, 07:18:46 AM
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Well people, true to form, my mum has decided to make sure people don't forget about her or what she's like!
My step-sister's mum died yesterday morning (my mum is married to her ex husband). My step--sister was badly beaten by her mum as a child and has had no contact with her for many years now. She has an older brother who has learning difficulties and he rang and said he wanted her there and wanted her to be involved in the funeral arrangements and so on. She has gone for his sake and, as you can imagine, is feeling very mixed up and emotional right now.
When they got to the hospital they were informed that my mum was making all the arrangements - she had called them and told them that the son was not mentally competent so everything had to go through her and the hospital were to call her and no-one else. There was a meeting with social workers planned for this morning, which my mum had declared she would be attending as it was in the son's 'best interests'. My sister and I looked at each other and thought "here we go again".
He said he wanted his sister there, not my mum, so we told him to call my mum and tell her that she didn't need to come because the sister would be there. She was miffed! As I'm sure you can imagine. I offered to go along to write things down as my sister is dyslexic so we got there this morning to find the brother very upset because my mum had called him this morning to warn him to watch his back as his sister would try and push him out, take over and make his life a misery - no mum, I think that's your job!!
She's since called him again to tell him she had received a call from the hospital but conveniently she didn't have a name, number or a message to pass on. The guy has learning difficulties, his mum's just died, and Mrs Narcissist is determined to make sure no-one forgets about her in the meantime.
Fortunately we have spoken to the social workers involved and explained the situation to them; they are going to sort out an advocate for him who will deal with everything so that my mother will not be able to weave her spell over people.
Jesus!! I have no time for my step-sister's mum because I know how badly she hurt her, but I can still understand it's a difficult and confusing time and I know when it's best just to say polite things and not start dragging out the family crap. Sadly my mother does not.
Anyway just wanted to have a moan - you'd think one day she'd stop doing this but no, she just keeps on going. Of course I should add that they live a five minute walk away from the son, but have yet to visit him to see how he is and have told him that they are away over the weekend and he's not to call them because they need a break. Makes your heart sing, doesn't it?
I think I can honestly say that once she finally dies I will just feel the biggest sense of relief that I will not have to hear about this kind of thing going on within my family anymore.
Thank you for reading! :)
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(((((((((((((((((((TwoAPenny)))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((Step-sister and Step-brother)))))))))))))))))))
Just want to let you know that y'all are NOT alone! Been there!!!!
Bones
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Poor guy sounds like he needs an advocate who's a tall rugby player... to be able to simply call mum up, tell her to butt out and mind her own business and basically put her in her place.
Also, I noticed a whole litany of things in your short explanation that are identical behavior to some of the medical sabotage she tried on you... you might be able to "mine" the overlaps in these two situations and really pinpoint for yourself, some of the strategies she employs. I saw projection there a few times... the same kind of slander - I guess to make herself look good... and perhaps under both of these behaviors what she's really trying to do is take some "shame" that she can't bear to feel herself and tag someone else with it.
maybe??
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Thank you both, I did post a reply earlier but it's not here so I must have pressed a wrong button! Anyway, she has worked her magic, the neighbours have been told to butt out, the coroner, hospital and social workers are all now dealing with her apparently and my sister has been ordered to attend the house and 'clear the air'. My sister's response is too rude to repeat :) I feel bad for the brother, his life is going to get really screwy now, but the social workers were told and seem to have ignored it all so neither of us feel there is anything else we can do. I really feel like the only way it will truly end is when she dies. So sad. Not to have a proper mum. I've seen my T today, we were talking about stuff from when I was a kid and sometimes it still shocks me when I tell her something I think is NORMAL and then she starts to explain to me really patiently that, no, this isn't what normal people do. What a bloody mess.
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aaaarrrrrrggggghhhh!!! There. I said it, just for you.
It is weird, when we find out that "normal" actually qualifies for neglect or abuse, isn't it? I went through months of living "everything I know about me... my life... is wrong". (Don't know if you're old enough to recognize Firesign Theatre, but that's where this comes from - sort of a Monty Python group.)
Then I spent about a year, just re-establishing a baseline of what I really could verify in my present life about me. I still find things, too.
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Tupp, she was not a proper mum. :(
You so deserved a proper mum.
It's not too late for a proper mum,
because YOU are one!
Copy yourself, your own patience and affection for your child...
and turn a big serving of that around for you.
Big self-hug, with total kindness and affection...if you'll practice,
I'll practice too. I know it's silly but whenever I really do this,
in that state of kindness for me...there's something warm that
just wakes up.
You deserve lots of gentle love and the instant way to get it,
is to just hug and really love our Tupp.
Here's another....((((((Tupp))))))
love
Hops
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(((Tupp)))
Your brother will have to navigate this for himself.
You've done what you could.
Now all you can do is take care of yourself, validate your brother and sister, and make sure you keep your son on track.
Lighter
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Hi all, thank you for your responses, just a quick update:
I called the social worker this morning as I saw the brother and he told me that my mother has now said she is not doing anything. Have asked the social worker if they can deal with the entire situation and just sort all the money/funeral arrangements etc, which they said they would. My sister then got a call from work saying my sister was up there asking where she was because they need her to sign documents to do with the death so I rang the social worker again and asked her to contact my mother direct and tell her they were dealing with all of it, which she said they would do. Then popped round to the neighbours my mother was so rude to and they have told me that there is a life insurance police which my mother took when she was round there yesterday. How suprising. They've apparently been telling him that he shouldn't talk to social workers - suprise suprise. What a bloody mess. The only good thing is that other people are actually starting to see what's going on and as she's doing the same thing with him as she did with me I think it gives a bit more weight to the things I've said about her in the past.
Thank you all for you responses.
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Hi all, thank you for your responses, just a quick update:
I called the social worker this morning as I saw the brother and he told me that my mother has now said she is not doing anything. Have asked the social worker if they can deal with the entire situation and just sort all the money/funeral arrangements etc, which they said they would. My sister then got a call from work saying my sister was up there asking where she was because they need her to sign documents to do with the death so I rang the social worker again and asked her to contact my mother direct and tell her they were dealing with all of it, which she said they would do. Then popped round to the neighbours my mother was so rude to and they have told me that there is a life insurance policy which my mother took when she was round there yesterday. How surprising. They've apparently been telling him that he shouldn't talk to social workers - surprise surprise. What a bloody mess. The only good thing is that other people are actually starting to see what's going on and as she's doing the same thing with him as she did with me I think it gives a bit more weight to the things I've said about her in the past.
Thank you all for you responses.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((TwoAPenny)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have just had a call from my step-sister, the social workers have told my mum to BUTT OUT!!!!!!!!! They have informed her and step-dad in no uncertain terms that this is nothing to do with them, my step-bro is legal next of kin, social workers are helping him through the process and he wants his sister to help him so they have been told to KEEP THEIR NASTY TOXIC SELVES AWAY!!!!!!!!!
My mum will be spitting bullets!! No-one has ever stood up to her before. Ya hoo!!!!!!! My mum apparently did the whole tears and poor victim thing with them and they didn't give an inch, just told her it was nothing to do with her and she wasn't to intefere with the process again. There is apparently quite a lot of money to be shared between the step-brother and step-sister which is no doubt what my mum was after but now she will not be able to get a penny and will have no control over the situation at all. The step-bro has been told if they say anything that upsets or confuses him he is to ring his social worker and she will deal with it and she has also told my sis if she gets any hassle to ring her straight away and she will sort them out! I'm so happy!!!!!
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
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ah... so justice is finally catching up with her...
it must feel pretty good - that's a LOT o' smileys! LOL...
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Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have just had a call from my step-sister, the social workers have told my mum to BUTT OUT!!!!!!!!! They have informed her and step-dad in no uncertain terms that this is nothing to do with them, my step-bro is legal next of kin, social workers are helping him through the process and he wants his sister to help him so they have been told to KEEP THEIR NASTY TOXIC SELVES AWAY!!!!!!!!!
My mum will be spitting bullets!! No-one has ever stood up to her before. Ya hoo!!!!!!! My mum apparently did the whole tears and poor victim thing with them and they didn't give an inch, just told her it was nothing to do with her and she wasn't to intefere with the process again. There is apparently quite a lot of money to be shared between the step-brother and step-sister which is no doubt what my mum was after but now she will not be able to get a penny and will have no control over the situation at all. The step-bro has been told if they say anything that upsets or confuses him he is to ring his social worker and she will deal with it and she has also told my sis if she gets any hassle to ring her straight away and she will sort them out! I'm so happy!!!!!
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
WOOOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAAAHHHHHHH-HOOOOOOOOO!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*HAPPY DANCE*!!!!!!!
Bones
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Tupp:
Did Mum get to keep the insurance police, as a souvenir, or did she have to cough it up?
I'm so glad to read that she's undermined herself, finally.
Dealing with social services should be easier for you now?
Lighter
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Hi all :)
It has really made me see just how twisted and dysfunctional they are - how everyone has a role to play and how they are completely unable to see anyone else's point of view or perspective. It's like a nest of narcissists!! Things have been much quieter this week, it's astonishing how much trouble and how many problems these people can cause. It's really making me wonder how I managed to grow up in a house like that? No wonder I've had problems!!
Lighter, as far as I know the social workers have all the paperwork now and are dealing with everything on step-bro's behalf. He was listed as his mum's next of kin so legally, I think, everything falls to him and they are working for him, if that makes sense. I think it will probably help me with social services in the long run, although I am still going to keep ploughing through my paperwork so that I have everything documented and in order, just in case.
Thank you everyone for all your help, as always!!
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((TwoAPenny))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Tupp:
Sounds like you're level, and doing everything possible to protect yourself in the future.
As you guys say....
Stay calm, and carry on: )
(((Tupp)))
Lighter
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Thank you Lighter :) and Bonesie:)
Just thought I would update quickly; step-sister's mum's funeral was yesterday, my sis has coped really well over the last couple of weeks and I am really proud of her. Step-dad asked social workers if he could 'look after' step- brother's money and was told, again, no :) Good! My mum called step-brother the night before funeral crying saying no-one had told her when or where it was. She hated his mum, she used to hide from her if she saw her in the shop, she's never done anything but be vitriolic and abusive about her. She claims to have no idea when the funeral is being held but just happens to ring the night before - coincidence, huh?! And funny how she, step-dad and my sister (GC) were all phoning my sis, her three kids and going to her place of work at the beginning but suddenly none of them can call or send a text to ask about funeral arrangements?
It's weird but I am starting to see my mum as being mentally ill now. I know that sounds silly but in the past I've thought it's 'like' she's got NPD, now it feels like she really genuinely has got it? Maybe I'm just starting to see myself separately to her now, I don't know. Anyway, it's all over now, life should get back to normal and the sun is shining this morning :)
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Hey TaP, Jeez, you are dealing with some pretty weird family dynamics there!
I am glad you're feeling positive that it's all over now, done and dusted and that you can move on
xx
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((TwoAPenny)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Tupp:
Isn't it nice to feel the sun on your face, smell the air and notice you're happy again?
(((())))
BTW, I think we use the term N for lots of different PD's.
It wasn't helpful for me to get stuck on that dx at all.
Better to think in terms of PD, as opposed to N, since we really don't know.
Your mother could be a sociopath with N features, or Borderline Personality Disorder, or N.
I think making assumptions sometimes keeps us confused, in some cases.
Lighter
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Lighter makes a good point; I think my mom's closer to BPD than N - sometimes. Maybe it's all under the umbrella of clinically depressed, too. We use N here, overmuch, as a shorthand for - Personality Disorder or just plain old crazy and abusive.
And for me, searching for a diagnosis for mum, means less time, energy and headspace to help you heal and recover! We'll just call her the crazy old rabid bat and be done with it! ;)
I hear ya about the "realness" of her being mentally ill, too. About how that feels. There is absolutely nothing like this kind of validation for instantly evaporating the cobwebs, the uncertainty, the doubt. Somehow, having that validation makes the ground under one's feet feel a hell of a lot more solid... and you can finally feel the earth energy through the soles your feet again; no longer in limbo. It helps the healing process a LOT.
Last week, my main contact with my advisory team observed that my bro's behavior appears to only have the motive of punishing and controlling me (at his own expense, even). I could've kissed him for getting it so clearly!!!! (hee hee! He's a good 25 years younger than me.)
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Last week, my main contact with my advisory team observed that my bro's behavior appears to only have the motive of punishing and controlling me (at his own expense, even). I could've kissed him for getting it so clearly!!!! (hee hee! He's a good 25 years younger than me.)
Wow, Amber.
I bet that felt like opening a dark stinky closet, and letting sunshine in: )
Light
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Yes it did feel like that!
And it also felt like: well, it's ABOUT TIME someone heard me!! (Hubs is still trying to find some rational explanation... for insanity... he'll come around eventually.)
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I so felt the same way re my socioNbro.
Unfortunately, in my case it went so far it had to be a judge's remark. But that moment showed me for the first time that my brother had been unveiled and the lifelong tide had begun to turn. Regardless of the trauma and thousand$ and anguished (uncecessary) massive labor of defensive documentation and frequent mini-PTSD episodes, it was a watershed when I heard the judge say to him in the courtroom: "I see no evidence whatsoever to support your accusations..." and (with an incredulous look): "You mean, you plan to stay in the house against your sister's wishes, even though there is no relationship between you? No. I will not allow it. That is her home."
The second major validating moment, which on bad days I might dismiss as "too little, too late" but which truly I can't dismiss and am massively grateful for because it was THAT healing, was when my mother, at 98, in a lucid moment, acknowledged to me that she knew that my brother had been hurting me throughout my childhood. When she heard my one-minute summary of what he'd been doing currently: "What is WRONG with that boy? You don't DO that to your sister!" (It took the extremis of him trying to have me arrested, accusing me to everyone he could bray to of abusing and defrauding her. She knew utterly that it was completely false. Her denial evaporated and in that moment, I knew there was love for me in her, that she was not truly wishing me ill -- just distorted and confused and jerked around inside herself by forces I could not comprehend firsthand -- and it was over. I forgave her and have a final memory of truth between us.)
I felt some guilt for even telling her, but it had weighed on me so heavily, to keep up the nurturing daily visits to her and keep on tending her and not let her know a word of what I was going through with him...that that day, I just said it. Simply. In hindsight, I am glad. I even said that day, "Mom, I feel guilty for even telling you this has happened." She responded, "I am not sorry you told me! I need to know about these things!" Which I was touched by as well. Within a few days, her dementia suggested that it was gone, but she had been present to me enough to validate me.
She wasn't capable of "needing to know" or protecting me appropriately during her life--for all sorts of reasons she probably didn't understand herself--but at the end of it, she showed the most genuine caring she possibly could have. It literally was the best she had and I took it as such. For me, in the long view, it was enough.
I feel exasperated with her ghost now, now and then, as I go through the uncertainties her choices could have spared me (without his manipulation co-mingling with her own) ... and briefly feel moments of anger. But it's unsustainable.
I can't express how grateful I am for experiencing validation. For having been heard.
I so understand how meaningful it can be.
xo
Hops