Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: sKePTiKal on September 16, 2011, 07:06:59 AM
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So, a month or so ago I finally had my "aha moment" about how/why/where in my feelings - and why again... I was one of those people who was OCD about self-harm and self-sabotage. After all those years picking up and looking under rocks... and moving on to the next rock... it was like a switch had finally started to shift. And while I had (and still have) my tredipations about the unknown... I knew I was finally entering into the time when I could finally "do" something different and still be me.
Well, go figure! There are side effects.
I'm one of those who express feelings that weren't allowed to be voiced, physically, with psychosomatic symptoms. Since this "phase" began I've had a lot of pain in an ankle (but recall no injury)... and an ugly, itchy rash that's just loads of fun in extreme heat. I've been actively treating both of these issues at home and making progress. Finding what works for relief and healing.
The other side effect might just be beyond me right now. For a week, I've been processing something in my dreams - and I've been waking up feeling as if I've just spent 8 hours struggling to survive; fighting tooth and nail and not always winning. I've dreamt horrible images of physical medical torture; continuous bullying and browbeating cruelty; of being surrounded by a person(s) whose mission in life is to make every conscious moment of my life sheer mental, emotional and physical agony. As if I were a donor for Dr. Frankenstein (or Frawnkensteen... if you prefer!) or thown into a group of people, who've decided I'd make a wonderful sacrifice to some particularly nasty god.
I've woken up hubs, talking in my sleep. My dream memory was of screaming at myself... or some representation of myself or maybe those people around me, hurting me, in my dreams. I don't know. For once in my life, my ability to remember whole sequences of dreams isn't working right now. I can only remember snippets - single images - and some of those are so gory I can't inflict them on you all. There are gross things; lots and lots and lots of "symbols" - both societal and personal symbols - and here's the really ODD thing: I don't wake up emotionally upset or with any "feeling" other than being tired of the subject matter; maybe emotional exhaustion - like "oh THAT again..."
Perhaps I'm a little unsettled; my "normal" reaction is to worry about things like this and pick it apart until I derive what's going on with me. But with this I'm not sure where to start - nor do I "feel" that there's anything to be "done" about it... more that it's a temporary phase that I sort of have to pass through; put up with and then, when it's over - I'll feel like my work is finished; done.
Anyway, I wondered if anyone else had ever had an experience like this during their work/journey. I guess part of my brain is telling me I feel kind like a weirdo for going through this... but ultimately, I am strangely sure that it's all part of a "good thing".
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((((((((((PR))))))))))
The thing that comes to mind is when a trusted writing professor said to us: "There is no such thing as a 'bad' dream. A nightmare is a safety valve for your psyche. Your subconscious needs to process something, and the dream state is how it can do that..."
It's not psychosis, but it sounds disturbing and hard.
I'm glad you have such faith in the journey, and trust in your own processing.
A hurricane blowing hard in your mind. And this weather will pass.
So many physical things, maybe your body is calling you for you to be IN it.
Maybe the intense brain activity is out of balance, and the thinking is racing, almost?
Gentle swimming, an hour twice a day? Might not help the rash but probably everything else?
Just thoughts, gently...
Hops
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I'm also experiencing similar stuff with dreams and, IMO, I think it is the psyche working out all the old issues of being trapped in a Hell-Hole with the Rage-aholic NWombdonor for years. What I started doing was writing down the images I saw then going back to sleep. I've found it helps taking all of those notes and writing a story where the abused person WINS in spite of the abusers.
Does that make sense?
Bones
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Had a couple of dreams a week or so ago which made some sense; wandering around a luxury house of criminals, CCTV in every room and hallway, I was trying to 'save' someone or something, got caught up with them temporarily, somehow it all worked out and I had my opportunity to tear a strip off them for their criminal ways. I think some were criminals, others were 'not realising what they were doing' and were therefore innocent. Made some sense at the time. I felt pretty much in control (of myself) which is a lot different to dreams of years ago. Thankfully I don't talk in my sleep, except to argue that I am, in fact not snoring (quite vigorous arguing, apparently).
I don't have nightmares any more. Vivid, sometimes violent dreams, but not those where you wake up drenched with a racing heart wondering where the predator is. But then I did give up cheese before bedtime. As for psychosomatic symptoms, I've had atopic eczema on my calves and feet for maybe a year or so now, but then it does move about the body. I've not been completely free of it, as though it has to come out somewhere. I used to get shower hives; still do sometimes. I guess my skin is sensitive. Insects love me. Maybe that's why I don't like too much close contact? I was reading that sometimes people can get hives from vibrations. That amazed me. Sorry PR, off topic, so:
Yeah, oh that again, I recognise that. And:
more that it's a temporary phase that I sort of have to pass through; put up with
Most things are temporary (and feel like it to me).
and then, when it's over - I'll feel like my work is finished; done.
I don't know if we're ever finished. I'll let you know if that happens!
Oh wait:
thown into a group of people, who've decided I'd make a wonderful sacrifice to some particularly nasty god.
I had those dreams years ago. I remember one dream too, about my mother sacrificing me, which was spot on, this was years ago too. I don't dream about her any more. Interesting.
Maybe I have administration rights over my own dreams these days. :lol:
8) Frawnkensteen, for sure. 8)
edit I am strangely sure that it's all part of a "good thing".
Once I got past that stage, it didn't matter. It's passing time. What's important to me is to know the difference between what helps and what hurts. So long as it doesn't hurt, oh I don't know. My base line for 'bad thing' is so damn low, most things seem not too bad. I don't know, but I don't mind that I don't know. Such crap happens in the world. People are so awful. Anyway.
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Thanks all. I'm not emotionally affected by the dreams - they've been going on for awhile now. Not a lot of old anxiety symptoms, either... or at least none I don't recognize before I go rolling off down the slippery slope. I immediately just STOP and sit the energy out... or like Hops suggests - go get some exercise and move my body. I have been very much more in my body - thanks to the itching (damn it!) and hobbling around with my ankle. I've also been connecting a lot with people - more than ever, it seems - just for the pleasure of it.
I guess I wondered if this might be sort of the "end of the journey"... where "the work" shifts from daily awareness to the unconscious, and the processing there is only noticeable to me like this... dreams, physical symptoms. And I suppose the overall tenor of helplessness, powerlessness against the "torture" is something I've unconsciously been clinging to - attachment and all that. And now, I'm unconsciously going through the "story" again... while my unconscious self decides: cling or let go. Hmmm. Guess I won't try to influence its decision - as if that were possible!! Perhaps just wait it out. See what happens next.
Hives from vibrations, FW? Like negative vibrations causing hives? That sounds a lot like my hive reaction to overwhelming anxiety -- which was brought on, you know by massive negative vibrations in my Greek FOO Tragedy. My mom told me at the time, I was allergic to chocolate. LOL.... funny, because when I would go on a chocolate binge... it never brought on hives. But any time I went through any kind of HUGE life change (and there have been successive ones)... yup; I'd break out. Especially, when I "dared" to do something that was just for "me, myself and I"... and there was a good probability someone else (like mom) would make me pay an emotional price for it.
As far as I know - I'm not involved in anything like that at the moment. I've even put the brakes on pursuing getting untangled from my bro for the time being -- giving myself a break from pressure of making that huge a decision/taking that huge a risk. Checking off things elsewhere on the list - LOTS of things.
Maybe I'm just being TOO NICE to myself!!!! LOL...... actually, that's not bad as a theory. If I'm not allowing myself to feel guilty about resting my ankle - instead of slaving in the yard and then needing hours of ice & elevation - maybe my unconscious is all freaked out about "breaking the rules", you know? Maybe my unconscious is having an anxiety attack... or -- maybe I have no friggin' clue what's going on with me!
LOL. I just wondered if anyone else had a long stretch of these awful dreams... processing out something toxic in one's system. That's what I really think is happening - dreams and body sloughing off poisons.
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Yes, I've had the stretch of dreams, in the past. And yes, it's processing. Now I don't know what I might dream, or if!
Vibratory angioedema, apparently. Do check out the "Wikipedia" scratched into the skin of someone with dermographism on this page. Who needs tattoos?! :? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Urticaria
I wish my body was sloughing off poisons, but I've had this all my life. It can go in 7 year cycles too, oddly. With me I guess it moves around the body every 7 years or so.
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I "think" - my skin crap is more associated with voicelessness - and curing it. I noted the reference in one of the wikipedia citations to the parasympathetic system. Except for the childhood episodes brought on by extreme stress, trauma and it's buddy anxiety (and the blatant lack of acknowledgement thereof)... I didn't start experiencing skin issues, until my body forced me to start looking for emotional/psychological causes of my lifelong conflicts. A few years back, I had horrible psoriasis symptoms on my palms and the soles of my feet. Except for white spots left behind - a lack of pigmentation in scar tissue, I guess - there's no trace of it now. Hasn't been for years.
It's difficult to say, whether there is an actual physical cause -- something medically treatable. I really have no desire to become a mystery patient who is passed around the system and a guinea pig for people's "educated guesses". Been there, done that. There are a few possibilities in that line of inquiry. Nerve issues, neuro issues, Lyme disease, allergies, etc. OR... if my body-brain connection is such that there is a stronger "expression" avenue from something internal to external via my body when I'm not able to verbalize what's really bothering me... or when I'm sure it's dangerous to say a thing... or when I'm highly discomfited - as in the case of "breaking taboos" when something is right for me... but was against the "rules" of who I was "allowed" to be.
The role of the parasympathetic system is calming, smoothly flowing energy that is soothing to mind, body and spirit. I have been in an internal negotiation with myself about reviving my tai chi practice - just for me, a type of "wellness" practice to counter just such crap as I'm dealing with physically. Just for the proven benefits I know I experience. My inner "slave driver" has so far thwarted beginning this... with the usual types of distractions that are tagged with artificially inflated "importance". I haven't acknowledged to my teacher yet, that I am involved in this kind of rediculous struggle with myself; it's highly embarrassing as I was a potentially really good student and I know she's a bit disappointed in me. There is an easy way out of the dilemma - just start practicing again... but... (???? but WHAT???)
If I can just "spit it out" (!!!!!).... I have a concurrent TERROR response joined to doing anything that "feels good" (or is supposed to feel good or is good "for" me). Like the saying: Love hurts. That's been engraved on my brain through repeated experience. And yet I know that it's the perversion of the truth - if it is love, it doesn't hurt. ETC examples... all connected to the progress I've been making on self-harm/sabotage. It's as though my brain won't accept the reality of an unconditional GIFT - here is a cookie, and no, there is no conjoined "price to pay" for accepting the kindness of a simple sweet. And then there's the awareness of damn, if it's really is TRUE... no awful price ALWAYS associated with the good stuff in life... oh, what a loss I've imposed on myself.
I have been able to "push through" and actually do/experience a different equation lately. Breaking the Taboo. In lots of little, insignificant ways... and a few bigger ones. And I wonder... if my unconscious (via my body connection) is trying get me to "pay the price"... the old pattern of trying to ward off even worse pain/abuse, by hurting myself FIRST. Some things remain intractable struggles of "will".
Perhaps, that also explains the odd awful dreams, too.
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((((((((PR))))))))
I felt, reading that, that I was suddenly understanding the difference between self-love as defiant and self-love as natural.
Feeling the struggle you go through as you get from one to another.
It's not easy and natural yet.
Mine, neither.
But even if it's never ALL-natural, it's still the thing to do. Self-love, self-care. Not the same as selfishness. It's like taking care of our bodies (I'm doing a crap job this month) paves the way for everything else good. Skip that, all of it's undermined or off focus.
Preaching to myself,
Hops
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Maybe that is so - the nature of the struggle - Hops. Maybe it is an attempt to get to "natural" self-love.
As many words that now seem to be spewing out about it, I'm a long ways yet from being able to peg it that simply... I need to let it play out, willy-nilly, and see what does "make sense" looking back at it. You could very well be right. I'm not ready to "tag it" yet, though.
I'm learning a whole bunch of new things, for sure. New approaches based on other things that worked for other purposes. Like, it's OK Hops if you couldn't keep to your chosen self-care for awhile. Acknowledge it. Pat it on the head and hug it. Tell it that it's OK and you'll try again starting tomorrow. That works way better for me than determined, fierce insistence on some draconian idea of "instant change". For me, the "old ways" have something nostalgic - akin to a security blanket - about them. You know how hard it is to take a 2 yr old's security blanket away to wash it? uh-huh... that's what I'm dealing with. I have to trade it not just A cookie... but something to keep it occupied longer than that.
It's also like trying to gentle a feral cat... gently break a horse to ride... gain the trust of an abused dog - that kind of thing. Even that kind of approach can set up waves of "threat" and fear, at least initially. I'm just not scared off from my approach anymore by the nasty growls, superfast swipes of a paw or the ears laid back. I just slow it down even more.
Overall the progress is forward for me - even with these moments of resistance; maybe over time they'll become more half-hearted; maybe I'll win my unconscious self over... patience, repetition, and acknowledging that this part of me has damn good reason to be wary based on the past; but it's no longer "the past" and much has changed. And when weird things like the dreams and physical stuff come up... it doesn't permanently derail forward motion.
Try again tomorrow (((Hops))).
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So, it's tomorrow:
and progress is S-L-O-O-O-O-O-W. The dreams took a couple days off... and came back again. I have the sense that I'm being taunted, teased by them - dared even... to get emotionally upset one way or another, through outrage, fear or anger. YAWN.... I've already seen Clockwork Orange & a couple versions of Alice in Wonderland... this plot isn't original or interesting and isn't making any relevant points about anything.
Thankfully, there are plenty of things to "do" today in 3-D. And some of them are fun even.
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Chopping wood is always fun?
this plot isn't original or interesting and isn't making any relevant points about anything.
PR, does there come a point where nothing, OR, everything, is relevant?
We choose what interests us, by being interested, or not.
And then we die! :D
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Interesting, FW...
the question of whether it's all or never relevant at a given point. I don't know. Never asked that question!
Also don't know, about how much intention there is in what interests me. Maybe I'm OCD curious or something like that. I can be fascinated and engrossed in observing, studying, watching things without ever making a conscious choice about whether I will do that. I think that's kinda connected to a habit that SL mentioned over on Overcomer's thread: being programmed to always be conscious of other's well-being -- even if it's at my own expense. I never ask myself: self, is this something I really want to give attention to? I just do. There's a lot to be interested in, in this life.
And it's possible, that I could frame some of the aspects of this phase in terms of intentionally choosing what I will spend time, energy, and attention on... and setting some limits - boundaries - on that for myself. And that would be totally abandoning the "rules" of my zombie-foo... disregarding the "natural FOO order of things"... blatantly transgressing those perverse "laws of nature"...
... I can see where that might freak out my poor unconscious self who is probably waiting to be struck by a lightning bolt for even daring... to think... much less DO something so against the "rules". As if I'm not allowed to determine who the hell I think I am... or want to be interested in or do.
As if other people's idea of "who I am" is way more important than my own idea or definition...and I'm not allowed to deviate from THEIR idea.
Hmmmm. That kinda makes everything relevant, doesn't it? And irrelevant at the same time? [oooops! Zen Koan time again!!]
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Hi PR
well, I bet there are lots of things that don't interest you, without you noticing? I like the idea of OCD curious, but think that would be pretty unfocussed, monkey-brained-curious. I'm not always programmed for others' well-being, just when I pay attention. I guess that's a decision I make, yeah, I do (there's control freakery in there, watching other people do stuff and thinking...I can see the pitfalls, you can't, I will take notice because I choose to make you important to me).
Would it be nice to get the point where you don't have to think about setting boundaries (they are simply there). Esp if it's something you want to do.
Ah lightning bolts: they don't happen, or they happen randomly, and probably not to the 'right' people! As for the rules...you can only rely on your own. I know what you mean though.
Hmmmm. That kinda makes everything relevant, doesn't it? And irrelevant at the same time? [oooops! Zen Koan time again!!]
Yup. Easy 8)
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Oh God Phoenix, it me again. YES, I went through somethin rediculously similar.
You talk about this as if its ok, not really troubling you and that could be right. When I was going trho that is WAS troubling me. The dreams were so laced with horror. No other way to put it.
But maybe yours IS different. You could be getting something called 'the triad'. Its like when you move forward, the disorder counter attacks. Once you understand whats going on, its easier to deal with it.
Mine was so the same that I also had exzema. It sooo complicated to explain it all here, and sort of intricate.
I have a suggestion, ... or 6. You're v. intelligent, I could suggest what to read that'll give you loads of knowledge and insight into the disorders/ mine/ yours theirs and etc.
Sorry, again, I just read the first post, really should be doing other stuff, but love to talk with you.
r.x
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Thank you so much, river! It's comforting to know others deal with some of the same things.
I am resolved at this point, that there is really only 1 way (for me) to approach this "problem". Problem is in quotes, because really I've been dealing with this since I was 12... I have done all the emotional forensics and memory archeology... I've read a ton about attachment difficulties and how that affects neuro development... experienced ways to deal with and influence that mind-body connection... (sort of like a serial dieter who never really loses the weight... until they stop dieting)
and this new place I'm in, is one of accepting that: hey - this is who I am and I understand why and it's not "bad", just embarrassingly inconvenient some times but it will get better over time, if I pursue this one single-minded and concentrated approach:
which is to love the part of me that's so fearful it's either fleeing or fighting or trying to harm itself... until it stops. Hug it till it it's not in panic-mode... it's relaxed... and it finally hears me saying that "it's OK, it's all right - I understand". That "other" part of me which has a form of will of it's own and feels separate from me... only needs mothering to stop. A "good enough" mother.
This works... and I can't really explain why or how... but it works. So, I'm rolling with it! After having so many other approaches start out so well... and eventually lose effectiveness or fail flamboyantly... this seems to be different. And it solves the one main functional problem in my attempts to sustain "changes"... which is that intense and uncontrollable resistance.
My goal isn't to "get rid" of that part of me... my goal is to heal it and integrate it back in a whole me. This part of me isn't the prettiest part, or the smartest... but it's fierce, determined, shrewd and calculating and very, very, very good at surviving... and that can and should co-exist with the daydreamer, the playful imagination, and the "marshmallow" sweet, sticky and gooey self that wants to adopt every puppy and kitty in the world. I guess that makes me complicated, but we'll just blame that on Mother Nature's way... or the Force... the Tao... whatever.
One thing I've noticed lately, is that this resistance has a knee-jerk reflex when another person tries to tell me "don't be like that"... "don't phrase it that way"... as if they are trying to define me and mold my expression of my feelings and self into something that THEY prefer me to be or want me to act like. Well, duh: that's kinda the most basic boundary, isn't it? I'm me... and you're you. And we ARE different, feel different, and act differently. End of explanation. And it's perfectly fine if people are uncomfortable with some of those expressions of me; if they don't like that. I'm generally more complicated than that; I'm not just that one thing 100% of the time... I can be happy... then I might be sad; angry... analytical... or passionately ranting. It isn't possible... it's an unrealistic expectation of others... that they are going to be exactly what you want them to be at all times. [Within certain socially agreed upon limits, of course! I'm not describing the rageaholic, sociopathic, rampant ego thing here - just the individual self.]
If that were the way people and relationships worked, my hubs would be an immaculate housekeeper, chef, landscaper and building maintenance man! LOL... he reserves the right to disappoint those expectations of mine a lot of the time, you know? And I still love him anyway. So... why can't the same thing apply to that feral cat part of me?
I guess, in a round about way, I've talked through to what "this" phase is all about.
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One thing I've noticed lately, is that this resistance has a knee-jerk reflex when another person tries to tell me "don't be like that"... "don't phrase it that way"... as if they are trying to define me and mold my expression of my feelings and self into something that THEY prefer me to be
........ and people often do say that one way or other dont they? .........
Your way of healing, that hug sort of bit didnt really work for me. In fact nothing did. Lots nearly did. And I always felt that theres something which will work for people like me, if it could be put together.
r
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Glad it's working for you PR.
I get a bit bored with 'me' sometimes, know what I mean?
edit: that may have sounded trite, so I'll add some more words. Hmmm...choose something to talk about:
it's an unrealistic expectation of others... that they are going to be exactly what you want them to be at all times.
It's more than unrealistic!
I don't know PR. Where are you going? When will you 'get there'? Will you ever 'get there'? What's wrong with 'here'? Nobody's perfect. If a person aims for perfect, who are they going to converse with?
It's like the 100 year old in an old folks' home whose kids and peers have all died. Okay it depends on attitude, but realistically, that's not going to be top of most peoples' lists of 'what I want in life'. I'd imagine.
So what's the next phase? What number is 'death' on the list? Seriously.
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Yes, FW... I agree about it getting boring after awhile! In an odd way, tho... it's also very comforting and self-soothing. But, this duality of self means I'm not comfortable in my own skin -- STILL -- much of the time. So I'm making smaller and more delicate "refinements"... and yes, I'm that detail-oriented; I used to do stippling pen & ink drawings... and loved drypoint.
River, I don't know that this will work for me either. But it feels right, I have an intuition that it'll work. Or heck, maybe I'm really going off the deep end into wacko-land! Like FW reminds me... no one makes it to the "goal" (and no one who proclaims they have can live up to it)... somewhere along that path we deal with mortality and what does that mean for people who have been or are, split? That's on my to-do list, too... I've been working through those legal documents and trying to make choices; hopefully we'll finalize that soon. The experience itself... well, that'll be something REALLY different, I think! LOL...
I guess I'm creating a way for myself to measure "progress" - a personal definition. I'm doing "good" when I'm being open to people and actively being with people, in a social setting... and not squirming in discomfort about whether my last comment was TMI, really stupid... when I don't have that much focus me at all... when I can simply be me, with other people and not be afraid at the same time... that the shame-shoe is going to drop on my head. When I'm not "hiding in plain sight".
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PR
and not squirming in discomfort about whether my last comment was TMI, really stupid.
what is it called if you turn that around? I mean, not about oneself. Is there such a thing as paying too much attention to others? And I don't mean in a caring way; I mean in focus terms. Ha! I guess that might look like a Psycho Therapist. That's a joke. Not a bad one, either. :D
edit: I mean my paying attention. I reckon that needed clarifying for understanding by others. I think that probably makes my point?
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Psycho Therapist... ha ha!
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Glad you saw that it was a joke. I bet somewhere though it isn't a joke, sadly. Gee! Don't call on me today, I'm in a great mood! :x Hmm. Feeling somewhat better already... :P
Last night I dreamed. My father called me from inside a building, like a church, he was standing high up. He said come up, I want you to meet someone. I went up. I saw a small girl standing some way from him, she'd be about four. I said hello and she, and he, started to speak to me but both of their voices were broken up, like a bad phone line. I bent down to her and saw her mouth moving but i couldn't hear any words at all. Then, like a link restored, I could hear everything she was saying, she was talking fast, burbling about her stuff, animated and so I picked her up and carried her to him, her balanced on my hip. And he seemed happy and I carried her out, still talking. I woke up and knew who she was. It was very simple. And I feel very sad.
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Thank you for sharing your dream, FW. Glad you "got it", too...
Sadness for me is always linked to it's opposite emotion - love. We just aren't sad about things we don't care about, you know? (hoo boy... those double negatives...) We are only sad, about what we care about... there, that's better.
These are yin-yang and inextricably linked for me, making sadness a "positive" emotion. The caring comes first and when we experience loss or separation, then there is exquisite sadness that carries that love off to the other, then grief and mourning... which are subtly different to me. Then, one day the sun comes up emotionally... and only the love remains, the loss is accepted and then...
it's chop wood and carry water again.
I'm having dreams like this, too... though I don't remember much of them. Whatever this phase is all about... and I don't even feel motivated to try to define it... it's feeling good - and different. Kinda like my whole internal experience is going through a hard drive defragmentation process; an internal subconscious or unconscious reorganization and consolidation. And physical symptoms are improving; going away. I allowed myself to just "stop" everything for weekend and became a fixture of the couch... not even cooking - just grazing... cocoon and mental vegetable time. It felt pretty good! And I was still able to do all the "have-tos" that needed to get done. Without whipping myself into a frenzy or demanding it be done a certain way or nagging hubs to do something, anything... or much "left brain" stuff at all. My "right brain" self isn't a clueless idiot, after all... just... fuzzy and less focussed on details. It's perfectly OK a lot of the time for me to drift from here to there, seemingly (but not really) aimlessly... I don't have to be "on" all the time.
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Definitely PR, no sadness without attachment.
I don't have to be "on" all the time. - Realising that even when I am 'on', I'm not the same, or so it seems. We'll see.
Had another of 'those' dreams after waking and going back to sleep following the one above. Very different, tells me stuff i don't want to know but have to accept sooner or later. As if i don't already 'know' anyway and hardly surprising. Shrug. It's just stuff in my head, defragging.
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So, a quick summary update (I hope... sometimes the fingers start typing and I find I have way more to say that I thought).
My dreams continue... and I still don't remember much of them; just the feelings linger as I become conscious of my body again in the morning. I could be wrong, but it also seems that the strength and intensity of the resistance is also beginning to wane. The physical symptoms are also lessening and becoming less noticeable; bothersome.
Externally, it doesn't seem like anything is different about me - yet. But internally, it sure is. And it defies description right now. It's rather like how a tree grows. Seems like you just planted it and it was a vulnerable little thing. Needing constant attention: a stake to keep it growing vertically... some fertilizer and mulch... to help it weather the weather... and then one day, you look at it and realize it's becoming a mature tree and can stand on it's own; it's roots are deep and strong; it's canopy spreading dappled shade and providing shelter and food for birds and other critters. Storm resistant, too.
Something old-new has crossed my path again as far as entertaining and educating my busy little brain: social science. I remember, back in the late 60s, just hearing about this in passing. Maybe it was still a rather new field then. It certainly peaked my interest pretty deeply - but then I got pushed off center for 40 some years on all that personal crap. Personal "history" now... dry dusty artifacts that tell a tale... that doesn't matter to anyone but me. I don't know beans about social science, as it is now, so that's my next brain foray... if the rest of the projects that are on the discussion table leave me any time.
Those including building/remodelling/maintenance, landscaping, interior decorating, sewing... and possibly a computer upgrade, carving out a personal, private studio space after the "man cave" is set up and once for all: taming the paper invasion that threatens to consume every single flat surface in the house. Oh, yes - and finding my "place" in my new community where I can be useful again. Somehow my "social calendar" seems to be overflowing... and that's a whole 'nother new development; something I couldn't ever say I experienced before in my life. Finding that balance keeps me busy, too. Tai chi is coming up again, too. Finally!
I guess, that means I'm finally learning to juggle???
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So... got my Kindle fixed and looked through some of the social science titles... and wound up with something that deals with concepts and ideas in psychology related to what's called "adaptive unconscious". Still reading, but already chewing over the proposition that our unconscious selves can/do change; that they don't have one static, distinct personality - per se. So much for my feral cat/Twiggy metaphors, huh? Maybe not; it might be too soon to tell. He does allow that "adaptive unconscious" might not be a single thing or entity; it might consist of multiple "modules"... hmmmm.....
The other idea I gotta admit is more perplexing to me: the idea of "discounting" interest or like in something when a reward is given. The examples presented were explaining the difference in observed behavior and self-reported behavior in young children... trying to determine the age when this behavior related to child development shows up. Like ages 3-4...
2 groups of kids: both given markers to play with... one group given a gold star type certificate for drawing; one without the "reward". When talking later on, at a certain age the kids generally liked drawing with markers more consistently when no reward was given; younger children the opposite - this is the "discounting effect" concept. In reality, the reward made no difference to what they actually did; amount of time using the markers.
So far, I'm seeing an explanation for why the behavior-mod technique of giving myself "rewards" for not smoking backfired every single time. It feels like the theory of discounting a reward/actual like or interest actually "fits" me. And why I've persisted in finding another way through to the end result, than what is typically recommended (and so far, so good - my current pack was opened 3 days ago). Now, that's not the same as saying I understand this! Because it seems backwards to me, from what commonsense logic would expect...
if you want to encourage an interest or "like" in something, a reward should sweeten the deal, right? Like Pavlov's dog training theories...
But this concept is saying that some 3 yr olds and most 4 yr olds, will like something less, if they're rewarded for engaging in it. I guess the author is leading up to explaining this by saying their adaptive unconscious self is already separating/individuating... resisting and demonstrating a separate sense of will. In some respects, there are parallels between this idea of "adaptive unconscious" theory and what I've read before with L-R brain theories... and the 3 or 4-D chess game-like newer neuroscience theories that have demonstrated how much more complex, interdependent and interelated (and adaptable) things are in the brain, compared to the old system of assigning things to L or R brain functioning, solely.
I don't know what I'm doing reading this or what I expect from it. Just reading it and may very well hit the permanent delete button on it later... it's something to read (other than current event - how depressing & boring!) when it's too chilly to go out and I'm just feeling lazy and cozy and hubs is watching TV. I've been busy cleaning house... and purging... trying to make space room by room... for "something" else. Guess I'm deciding later what that is...
Meanwhile, getting a lot of "have-tos" done in the process... and thinking about fun "want-tos" too.
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OK - LOL!!!!!
NOT a good idea to drastically change hair color while reading a book about conscious/unconscious self theories and how that translates into personality/identity!! (If one tends to overthink things...or has an over-busy imagination!)
I like the color itself. It's PRETTY. I just don't know "if it's me" or not yet. Or if I'm any kind of reliable judge of what's "me" or not.
Edit: the picture doesn't do the color justice; it's kinda dull copper-penny with lots of lighter highlights. Not a color my hair has EVER been, quite, before.
Comments?
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Like it. :D Looks pretty natural in the pic too, although I guess it looks darker in real light? The highlights are good. Now I want some highlights!
As for hair colour being me....well I can't see my own hair, so colour isn't that important unless it makes my regular clothes colours look horrendous and hurtful to onlookers. :P
I recently saw a young woman with two-colour hair. She had a white blonde heavy straight fringe, but had dyed the hair on either side bright orange (not hair auburn, but orange) and had curled it. I couldn't stop looking at her. It didn't look good or bad, just very affected, like a clown/circus wig. And she was dressed fairly ordinarily. She was a white European but non-native English-speaker so I'm thinking just maybe there was a cultural 'thing' I wasn't getting. Certainly made me look though.
Remind me PR, your hair was white before? If yes, I LOVE it!
And that was a complete post about hair. 8)
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Yes, FW... my hair was pretty much white before. For some bizarre reason, the back of my head was "hanging on" to more original color than the rest of my head (sort of like inside... LOL!)
For the life of me, I can't figure what the "big deal" about this is, for me... because I consciously just wanted to change the color... because I can, why not?, it's just hair... and yes, you're absolutely right! Hair is a great example something so "outside" that I can't see it (it's not that long yet)... so I'm really not aware of it most of the time. The last time I thought I even cared about "girly" stuff... was right before/right after Twiggy's Day when the Sh_t hit the fan. The before was normal pre-teen fascination with clothes, makeup, growing into female potential... body changes and all that. The after was more OCD obsession, self-consciousness, fear-based - freaked out.
Of course, that's what this thread is really about: a new level or approach of working on that part of me - the one who's been having a hissy-fit for 40 years - weaving "her" back into "me" enough so that there is cooperation more of the time, than there is unconscious resistance, self-harm and sabotage. This book I'm reading about the concept of Adaptive Unconscious seems to be saying that my goal here ain't gonna happen; that we're not built that way... that some of my basic premises and ideas are wrong. Could be! I haven't finished the book yet. And there are almost no descriptions or explanations of this theory in action for people who suffered abuse or trauma... those kinds of life-events where things go wrong with the self, the emotions/mind, the unconscious-conscious relationship. I'm gonna have to think about that some, after I finish the book.
So the changes I'm currently making that seem unimportant, irrelevant and "silly" to my conscious self, are meant to satisfy some of needs & wants of this inner, supposedly unconscious self. Which I'm not supposed to be aware of... much less able to "know" what it's wants & needs are, according to this author. Maybe one of the positive, unintended benefits (silver lining) of what I've survived and the way I tried to work it through - making sense of what happened, chronology, fitting it all together... and accepting as me the parts that were banished for so long... maybe, that gives me a way of "knowing", of accessing that unconscious self. I still don't know yet if that's an accurate description, if it's simply a self-soothing visualization (= sheer fantasy), or if it's sort of an unformed, undesigned motivational goal that I'm not able to consciously control.
I mean - why should the techniques of therapy be limited to only working through the negative things in life?? Why not apply those ideas to figuring out the fun, the happy, the fulfilling, the big existential or spiritual questions, for ourselves too?? If I'd had a "normal" emotional attachment/education I'd already know those things about myself... in reality, I don't have clue one - it's as if I grew up in a parallel universe, really, where "fun" and "happy" didn't exist - and at 55, I've gotta work FAST to remediate that particular oversight in my self-education!! (No, I have no idea why I feel that way... or if I'm still just as NUTZ as I was before... )
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I think it's a very pretty color...kind of like bourbon and water, or diluted peach, or firelight at the edges.
Nice!
The real pleasure is seeing your face.
Hops
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Amber, that's you! 8) I'm with Hops, the best part is seeing your face. The hair doesn't look colored. It looks very natural.
Thanks for the pic.
tt
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PR
why should the techniques of therapy be limited to only working through the negative things in life?
Um! Well I hadn't seen it like that, but then the therapy I've experienced has included a lot of fun. Maybe that's me (and you?), finding out stuff about our heads, while it can be and is painful, can also be huge fun. Massive fun :D
I don't know if people are that different underneath - with our hopes, likes, talents etc etc. I'm sure given an 'optimum' growing environment I could've turned my hand to a variety of meaningful pursuits. I did follow my instincts too, in education, so I wasn't that lost to myself. Finding more about the inner 'me' seems like too much striving: I'm not that different to some others. I guess when I meet the others-who-are-more-like-me, that's fun simply communicating and 'living it'. Am I making sense? (laugh).
Now where did I put that dye?
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Thanks everyone! (bourbon & water - HAHAHAHA! Maybe Fireball Whiskey, too... )
I think I've sort of got a (tentative) grip on what the big deal is - it's more shoulda, coulda, wouldas... that trail all the way back to my mom's crazy idea that things other people do are "bad" and "we don't don't do that". My braver, Twiggy-voice can now retort back: don't knock it, till you've tried it!! How can hair color be morally "bad"?????? Give me a break. It doesn't signify anything; I had no expectations of feeling differently; it's just something new/different to look at when I'm in front of a mirror.
OH YEAH; I forgot! If she doesn't like it, doesn't do it... it MUST be bad and evil.
It's a really good sign, that I'm forgetting this kind of thinking more often, now.
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HUH. The book I've been reading on the Adaptive Unconscious... was tantalizing... so I went ahead and read another one by the same author. He's Dr. Tim Wilson, a prof at UVa... and a social psychologist. After two books describing experimental design in tedious detail, I started skimming. I did find just the "clues" I was looking for, I *think*... even though it wasn't at all what I expected to find in these books.
Wilson's a big believer in personal narratives as an explanation of the "self"... and he's suggesting that even our unconscious self has a narrative... that changes over a lifespan, with experience, etc - even though our earliest attachments may influence some fundamental patterns. I've been assuming that those early attachment styles are engraved so deeply in our brains... that they continue throughout life, a permanent "life sentence" even. Sometimes, they do - but there is data that suggests that this can also change; that our adult attachment styles may be different than those earliest years. The question here is why, how and can it be done intentionally; consciously?
The social science perspective of explaining why people do some of the things they do and how behavior can be changed - and how the person themselves can change in response to their environments and interactions... and how the simple writing of our narratives or "stories" in specific ways can help people change has helped explain a few of my "unresolved" questions about what I've been through... and why I'm still struggling with a few things. Especially, when comparing the social science "assumptions" and "theories" of the 1960s against what's been learned since then.
Of course, new questions have also been raised and I'm still digesting these ideas... and connecting the dots. One of the things I really like about reading "serious" books on the Kindle, is that I can bookmark passages and add my own notes - and then see these "pulled" bits of text all together. Kinda like a bunch of post-it notes stuck to a big section of wall... so that I can begin to see how all these little things that jumped out at me - connect and fit together. I think I have enough of these, to start creating an answer to my own inner "why did I do this?" and start working on the "how to change it".
I'll stop being cryptic and get specific... once I've pondered and worked out just what I think I'm seeing.
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I'll stop being cryptic and get specific... once I've pondered and worked out just what I think I'm seeing.
Looking forward to reading it, Amber.
Lighter