Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Izzy_*now* on October 21, 2011, 02:40:55 AM
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..that the dead car batteries are because back in January, 2009, a positive terminal clamp was finagled into a 'smaller' clamp for the negative terminal, which is somewhat smaller so the screw remained loose and drained the battery, and that is why my batteries have been draining and dying up until today! I hope that is the end of that.
--that I am Schizoid PD (but always ignored that because I knew I was not schizophrenic. ) Imagine my surprise, all this liking to live alone, not wanted to be a part of my family and ever so many 'qualifications'.....some with variations, not 4/7, but 7/7. I think I am happy!
Childhood
"Retrospective assessment suggests that patients with schizoid personality disorder often have histories of grossly inadequate, cold, or neglectful early parenting, which often began early in life. Psychodynamic theories suggest that these traumatic experiences create an expectation that relationships will not be gratifying and a subsequent defensive withdrawal from others" (Gunderson & Philips, pg. 1445). "
"A child born with an introverted, shy temperament may be constitutionally predisposed to developing this disorder, especially if the earliest parenting is cold, neglectful, insensitive, or hostile to the infant's disposition. Some psychodynamic theorists believe that individuals with this disorder remain completely unattached to people because they gave up early on any hope of gratification from others. Following their inborn temperamental style, perhaps they adapted to their unsatisfying environment by turning inward, away from any attachment to anyone" (Oldham, pp. 291-92).
Intrusive mothering, detached fathering
(I could scarcely believe my eyes. Damn therapists are just after the money and never listen. I've been talking that since I was 19. I might still have a life and a daughter if I had been listened to.)
...that my daughter wants NO MORE correspondence from me, but by cracky...I can hack it and Will
...that the medication for pain, was FOR pain. I stopped the medication, Saturday, and stopped the pain. WTF! (Why That's Fanastic!)
...that the medication for pain was putting on weight--in 6 days already I can see a difference!
... the local police said that I will be immune from setting fire to Canadian Tire
can be refunded fees for therapy
& can twist every psychiatrist
who never listened to me
from age 19 to almost 73.
...but I'll survive anyway and that must mean what being schizoid is all about...............SURVIVAL!
Love♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
Izzy
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oh Iz.... if you believe you have a PD, I have a bridge I wanna sell ya! LOL.... not everyone who goes through that kind of early upbringing is permanently affected THAT particular way. It's with some satisfaction, that I can say that the experts still can't figure out why that is. (I don't think I want the human condition or how people are, completely explained - that would be boring!) Even when SOME of the traits/affects line up - it's the degree to which you are that way that makes/breaks a solid diagnosis... and whether or not a slight nudge can help you change it. It's always helpful to find these things however... things that completely "fit" and say concisely what we've tried to explain (unsuccessfully) so many times before. Validating.
On the other hand, I absolutely think you've hit the nail on the head with that description as to WHY a lot of us struggle, still. The kind of parenting one experiences early on, resonates all the way through one's life - in sooooo many ways. Each of us, reacted and grew through those experiences we have in common, just a bit differently - we're not all identical twins, for lack of the word for "many" identicals - we learned to cope and survive just a bit differently.
That's actually one of the main strengths of a group like ours, here. Every time someone talks about a part of their story and how they survived, and how/what their change process is now... I always learn something new, that I hadn't thought of in quite that way before. And that helps me more than even my own explanations of "me"...
I'm glad to know your pain is lessening! My word, how many months - years - have you been living with this 24/7? It is quite interesting to know that stopping the pain meds, stopped the pain. Almost as if the act of taking the pill triggered that part of your brain to experience "pain" (perhaps phantom pain that nevertheless really hurts anyway???). That's exactly why I believe it's a false assumption of modern medicine, that people must always take a med their whole life... instead of recognizing that the med just helps adjust the body/brain to a new balance... and the drug can be useful for this - then slowly stopped. (For the record, this idea brands me as a certified wacko to most of the medical profession...).
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Hi Iz,
So many problems solved or on the way to being solved. You're good!
Following their inborn temperamental style, perhaps they adapted to their unsatisfying environment by turning inward, away from any attachment to anyone" (Oldham, pp. 291-92).
I've wondered about this. I think having a bent for living in one's mind could very well shield one from attachments. I have the bent. Had the hostile, aggressive, icy environment. Was terribly withdrawn until I hit my stride in my middle to late 20's. I looked at the statistics and figured that out of the 3 billion souls plus or minus on the planet, (at the time) our paths would cross and bingo, our lives would become interwoven as in a tapestry. I think having an open mind about it (my personality type can hardly be any other way) facilitates my attachments. I have a handful of friends. I have a bunch of relationships and I love people.
tt
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Hi tt
and you too PR
I remember being withdrawn and shy from as far back as I can remember, of feeling not a part of the family and not liked by anyone, but to go off on my own, even at 2-3 and hide, and sit quietly was the only peace I knew. I would climb to the top of the granary bins and just sit, and into the raspberry patch (and didn't even eat the berries, against the law) and just hide and sit, and climb the maple tree at the side gate as High as I could and just sit, maybe chew on some gristle (which would last forever)
I recall the beatings from Dad and mom's being quiet: the fights with 4 siblings because I was not a red head and I did not belong, so I was told. None of this went away because I believe it was ingrained too young.
I was always changing best friends in public and high schools, and was afaid of a relationship with boys, because I didn't know what to do, because I was "different".
After I finished school and went to the city to work, I had a big job ahead of me to get on with my co-workers and boss, but I usually ended up, without realising it, with a job I could do on my own and have one supervisor. So I was alone in a crowd and always very careful to never make mistakes and I tried to follow the pattern that life was taking everyone, into a relationship and marriage.
Throughout life I could tell "who was to blame" for whatever went wrong, but even if I could not see the part I played, I expected it was something unknown to me, as I was "different". No one taught me the rules of life, so I made up my own .
I have often said that I live inside my head, therefore am an enigma to some people who "don't know who I am". I don't know who I am. When my inner self is invaded, I am "hït where I live", I become angry, like the hammering upstairs this morning, when I need my sleep for my therapist (in 2 hours now.) They don't know I've been awake most of the night, not falling asleep until 3:00, but I have tried to see the other person's side and there is no fault to be laid here, just my thoughts.
My best freind is Karla, my therapist, as I have been saying, since July, 2009, and we have but 1½ hours together, at a spell, during which I am the best patient, and she is the best therapist. we laugh, and vent with each other---yet as time went on, I wondered why I felt that if this was every day and all day, that it just wouldn't last.
I do very well with store clerks, as we 'pass in the night' and in all cases, if I pay a bill, I can afford to be expected to be treated well, to be able to crack a joke, but I don't invite them for Sunday dinner.
My lawyer "adores" me and calls be 'awesome', 'beautiful' so I rather built a non-existent? personality/character out of nothing and it works as long as I don't live with the people.
I wouldn't doubt now that whatever emptiness was inside me, and filled with things to make me appear normal, emanated to my daughter, and she might have felt phoney feelings from me. I don't know but I blame myself underneath but not as harshly as she has treated me, because I knew I was 'different.
Now I am alone and content, as I've said before, and had gone through 2 serious accidents and have pulled myself up by the bootstraps, with the professionals and have all in order, even to prepaying my funeral.
Yes, I am disordered, and anything I do that appears normal was my invention from very young as a means of survival in a world where I have been 'different' for 72½ years.
xx
Izzy
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....so PR
See post to tt, as well....
How much do you want for the Bridge? LOL
Wait until my settlement comes through. I see now (always did) why a Higher Power looked after me financially, because I'd never be supported by a live person, just Hertz and ICBC, yet have suffered for the "free money".
March 27, 2009 =2 years and 7 months but a grand total of June 7, 1969 = 42 years< 5months
If you're a certified whacko, I will soon have a bridge to sell you!
XX
Izzy
PS--just passed my 11 months of no-smoking. One success in my life is pretty good!
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Iz,
I only know what you tell us here. Even with the limitations of electronics, I don't think I could count the successes you've had as you've told us your story.
In my opinion, everyone would do well to have a little of the Izzy spunk and smarts.
tt
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Hi TT
Oh ya!
Maybe I thought all that was a means of survival so I could hide in a crowd?
xx
Iz
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In my opinion, everyone would do well to have a little of the Izzy spunk and smarts.
tt
Hear, hear, what she said! And your lawyer, too.
The description sounds like one of those "sane crazy" things, meaning, a perfectly LOGICAL adaptation to the kind of loneliness and abandonment and cold and abuse you suffered as a child. You sitting in raspberry bushes but knowing you were not humanly welcome enough to eat a berry? In a tree chewing gristle for sustenance? Beaten by your father?
Enough for me. I'm "schizo" at the thought.
I have a good friend whose child has acute schizophrenia...the full tilt real disease....and is currently in jail pending incarceration in a federal mental health correctional facility. The poor kid is so ill, and the secret service agent assigned to him (for threatening the prez) became almost like a caseworker. They genuinely are trying to save him from himself, and nobody in his family could manage him (adult male now, deeply paranoid and violent tendencies, and naturally--amazing hallucinations) -- so he's been placed into the federal correctional system because that's the only institution powerful enough to get him the complex Rx protocols he needs. The family's HMO was giving him half of what he needed to save costs. His poor Mom had been locking the kitchen knives in the trunk of the car.
Nobody. No kid, no parent, no person -- can bear up under unreasonable stresses without being made and marked by it.
You, Izz? Much less your accident, abandonment by family, and pain...
You amaze me. Wear any acronym you like.
love to you,
Hops
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Thanks Hopsy, and others.......................
Have you read about schizoid?
It is not schizophrenia................................but I had the idea they were so close that I always skipped over schizoid!
"Schizoid" redirects here. For the game, see Schizoid (video game).
Not to be confused with Schizophrenia, Schizotypal personality disorder, or Schizoaffective disorder.
Schizoid personality disorder (SPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a lack of interest in social relationships, a tendency towards a solitary lifestyle, secretiveness, emotional coldness and sometimes (sexual) apathy, with a simultaneous rich, elaborate and exclusively internal fantasy world.[1] SPD is not the same as schizophrenia, although they share some similar characteristics such as detachment or blunted affect; there is increased prevalence of the disorder in families with schizophrenia.[2]
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder)
Remember my "secret" of stopping smoking? I posted it under My Story but not on here so I could read about it online and before people might pummel me with questions and I might fail----like my brother is now (his wife cannot stop) and he keeps asking, so my paranoia tells me that he is trying to sabotage me, so in my last email I said that next month was one year, I was sure I had it licked, and now the less said the better, as it is old news.
I keep secrets like that pending success or thoughts of who might approve....whatever reason.
I have said how I don't cry. Sex? Well I could care less after being with 2 drunks and am now in pain...........
.........but I laugh a lot, really a lot and mostly at my own original jokes and they crack up Karla as well.
xx
Izzy
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You're welcome, ((((Izz)))).
Sorry for the rambling off to my friend's story (just heard about her son's latest escapades yesterday).
I know it's just the word root "schizo" that's the same. I imagine many people don't get the distinction.
I know schizotypal PD isn't anywhere near the same thing as the brain disease, schizophrenia.
Just felt like reassuring you that any acronym ("PD" is not a character thing, it's a descriptor) that helps you understand and accept yourself with compassion is a good thing, imo!
xo
Hops
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Oh thanks (((((((Hops)))))))))))) Ever notice how seldom I use the (Hugs), even though they are inside, somewhere.
I'm sorry. I didn't get your meaning about any acronym.
Different sites have different 'qualifications'
Some say, "not wanting to be part of a family"
Well, I don't think my FOO deserves me, so I am 2000 miles away.
I've always felt like a very 'deep' person, but haven't known if the depth was worth anything.
I'm sorry I didn't mention your friend's troubles because that can sound like a movie you saw, like many realities of life that are away out of whack-----in which category I put myself, as feeling so unreal...............too unreal to be understood by the 'common man'...yet I'm not worth a book or movie--even if it were fiction.
I think all this is why I have taken such abuse from my daughter, who I think deserved a real mother.
nightie nightie, but
no nightie tonightie
(they are all in the laundry)
xx
Izzy
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Izz:
It would have been nice if a therapist had listened to you.
Just once.
All those years ago.
Things didn't have to be so hard, did they?
Lighter
(No nightie, hee: )
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Thanks lighter
It's just 4:46 AM and I have been writing emails, because one friend in Alberta swore she would telephone me, and I don't do well on the phone, all doped up with pills and sleeping, yet that has just changed, but no proof, and maybe email will do it for everyone.
It seems to me, yes, that a loner, not wanting her family, would be a good sign to head for the schizoid file, but I never seemed to be able to make anyone understand.
I've always wanted answers and am the happiest now with the answers I have found-----if I can believe these so-called experts! but that Wiki page was me all the way with a few variations on the theme from Paginini in the 9th---oops I used to play that! Ha! sleepy....or something close to that!
I can live with this all now...no matter the answers, I have suitable ones.
At least daughter is well grown, has a partner and the 3 litte kids, while my grandkids seem to have 'vanished'. We'll all do fine without each other.
You are right. My life didn't have to be this hard, but I guess I am one tough broad and that has held me in good stead with many people and never allowed me to falter.
I was just writing this to my sister......:
A picture I see often, in my mind, when I think of young years and betrayal, is a Christmas morning, when I was likely 3¾ and I can see my knees pumping up and down to get down the stairs as we headed for the Christmas tree at the bottom, by the front door. I had so wanted a doll. My next oldest sister was not interested in dolls, but she arrived at the tree first and I saw her take a doll from a pile of things and move it to a pile in front of her.
Our gifts were not wrapped, just piled into individual groups and a scrap of paper, with a name scribbled on it, was placed upon the top. Whatever was under the scrap named “Izzy” was for me from Santa. That was the pile from where the doll was removed then placed by my sister onto her pile.
I looked up at my mother and said, something like, “..but Mom: I was the only one who asked for a doll.”
Mom had the most screwed up face of “what do I do now?” and changed the subject to a nice new coat for Dad that was on a hanger, and had a package in its pocket. The coat was for Dad and the package was a grouping of dusty blue “heavy” plastic animals, elephant, giraffe, lion, tiger etc. (if I remember correctly) and were for Mom. I really remember them and liked them and in my teens was still dusting them.
--and I never was given a brand new doll until I was 12 and in Grade 9 in high school.
Whatever that meant, it was too late!
The stories I can remember mainly ALL lead to that anyone ought to be able to understand about this little kid not wanting to belong to this family.
Merry Christmas, lighter ♂☺♥♦♣♠•◘○◙♂♀♪♫☼►◄↕‼¶§▬↨↑↓
Oops fell asleep!
:lol:
Love
Izzy
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Hi Izzy,
A while ago I took an online test that gives you a percentage of pd tendencies and I always scored a bit higher on the schizoid level.
Let me tell you something though. I recently listened to a series of lectures. In one of the lectures the lecturer was talking about this need we have (and very valid) to know why things are the way we are, why do certain things happen etc. It has been a series of eye-opening experiences for me, especially with NM -- she is like this because she suffers from NPD, I am not unlovable because she couldn't love me etc. And the lecturer kept on, saying that there are very many valid reasons why things are the way they are but that's not the important part: it's what we do with the situation at hand. It really had me thinking because for a good many years now I have tried to find answers to so many questions and I now realise that it's best really to spend time working out what can be done about all the different situations in my life. I thought I'd share with you, again without discounting your precious discoveries. Hope this will spark something for you too.
Much love
Rania
(I took the test again and again I got average scores at schizoid and schizotypal but here what the author says:
Author Note:I don't think Schizoid personality is a valid disorder (read), some of the smartest people in history were schizoid because they occupied a remote end of the intelligence bell curve. Schizotypal personality can encompass highly original thinkers as well as totally insane people so I think it's a flawed type. I think the remaining eight disorders are generally valid.)
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::handing Izzy a beautiful brown haired doll::
Merry Christmas, Izz.
Lighter
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hi Hountini
Thank you for stopping by and talking to an insane person. I appreciate it, and even for taking another test just for me. I knew there was a Disorder just for extra special, great thinking people, and hoped it was this one, when I made my discovery the other day. :D :lol: :shock:
I just took another one, today, and it was True of False. I came out of that as an intermediate schizoid. There is no doubt in my mind that that is where my special slot in life has been all along, in my quest to find out why I've always been one step off the beat all my life....50 years of searching. I finally feel "fulfilled" ha! ....need a word...vindicated?...but it's like sliding that last piece of a jigsaw puzzle into place before the whole picture can be seen.
♫ I can see clearly now....♫
This explains my failed relationships and only those two poor men, who turned into drunks, know what it was like to live with me ..;0) and two were Ns which really screwed up the works for who was worse, my last relationship and my ex son-in-law. (I was just out of my league, following the crowd, looking for a husband found one, someone else's though, ©¿©] for everlasting happiness. Now I know I didn't see him for 7 years before his completed suicide, so that might have been just his choice, without my involvement. This revelation is making me happy that I'm 72 and in a wheelchair (AHA! God! I see now!) and no one else's life will be in danger, as no one will be chasing after me.
your precious discoveries
:? :lol: Did you mean preCious preVious----as they both fit!!
Yes, I seriously always wanted answers and just the answer itself might not make me happy, but the fact I had the answer always did! :?:
Thanks again
Izzy
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::handing Izzy a beautiful brown haired doll::
Merry Christmas, Izz.
Lighter
Awww lighter!
You are just so sweet, and she has just the teeniest amount of gray, I see. Just like I have
Merry christmas back
love
Izzy
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(((((Izzy)))))
Just the teeniest amount of gray: )
Light
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Hi Izzy,
I wasn't flippant about what you wrote. I do too score an intermediate schizoid and schizotypical and I use to score intermediate histrionic too but somehow in the meantime I gave up the romantic fantasies... So I am more a basketcase than you are
The comments I wrote were copied and pasted from the test site - there were too, one of them with true or false too.
I am sorry if I sounded flippant again.
I guess what I really meant was don't just stay at labeling yourself...
Rania
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hi Rania,
Oh no. I never once thought you were being flippant! I laugh at myself a lot, if people feed me the right straight lines.
Oh wow! You are schizoid, too?
I didn't pick up on that, as I took one test where Paranoid is (always?) at the top of the list and the rest followed in average percentages, and with my percentages. For the first time I noticed schzoid was high ranking, but left it alone--never knew it was me, 'til now and (it's been a long time) but Paranoid was at the top of the list, not rank ... last time too, so...well I have my share of paranoia... and took it to be my answer and dismissed it.
This is best I've felt about myself since....well, forget the since!
Thanks
♥ ♥
Izzy
...just another 2 hour nighttime nap and up again.
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Ya, those kinds of answers help don't they Iz?
If a person knows there's a name for something... that just might really apply to them... it helps point a person in a better direction of "what can I do about it now", right? The thing is, to remember that the description of tendencies and habits isn't a life sentence - and we're waaaaaaay more complex and able to change over our lifetimes - and of course, that's never included in these tests or descriptions.
I just read, by way of example, that a lot of $$$ was spent on a study that determined that teenagers could actually raise their IQ by actively studying and taking tests on their understanding of the material. In other words - educating themselves made them smarter. Well DUH... I thought this was basic assumption behind all educational theory!! Time on task & all that. Practice makes perfect... Yeah, I know it was also assumed that people had one range of IQ the duration of their lives, too. But it's like folks missed the neuroscience connection between those two assumptions, to me: when a part of the brain is exercised repeatedly... the skill-level gets better and more automatic and will eventually impact other related brain tasks... which is generally described as "smarter".
I do think that what we are at birth... and the FOO situation we're born into... is just the basic of box crayolas - raw material - and what we create with that is up to us. Some of us just take longer and fuss over the details more than others.
I didn't always think this, tho.
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Thanks PR
Yes, I needed my label to see that I at least fit in somewhere. :lol: Knowing now that I do, I can see, as my life had progressed, where I was too naive to make changes and kept up the same old, same old, not learning anything.
I can also recognize a "once was me" but was something I fixed. The 'qualifications' just give me a guideline of why, and YAY! my life is written up on the Internet!!
...learning the areas as to where to mother myself (being that who/whyever I was, I thought would be me forever.)
Onward !!
Love
Izzy
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Just a favourable note.
My car is working well now after that "fashioned battery clamp" discovery, by Chrysler, for me. (OH I just want to hug little Vu).
I mentioned to him, the first time that my car was brought out of the shop, that it was parked too close to another on my driver's side to be able to get in on my own. He moved it for me.
This second time he remembered and saw that the mechanic of my car had parked it 'normally' again, and he said he would move it for me....I hadn't even noticed that it was out of the shop!
So today after parking for shopping, I returned to my car to see that a Monster Van (stickered) had taken up about Two Feet of my parking slot's space. I was going to go to Mall Management and have his License plate announced, as being parked intrusively into another's space, but I changed my mind, knowing that if someone held my driver's door open, so it wouldn't annoy the Hell out of me by not being able to 'lock' in an open door position, and keep bouncing off my 'chair all the while I'm getting into the car (which would make me like to rip it off at the hinges) I would feel better about myself and have someone else feel better about "helping ol' Izzy".
Well it worked..stopped a man, of course, thinking he was about my age, and in the process he said something about his 72 year old mother----oh gee, I'm 72....I wonder what she looks like if he looks my age?
Still floatin'
Love ♥ ♥ ☺ ☺
Izzy
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I feel so "UP" that I changed ny name to "Skits"
I am a new person!
Can any of you understand?
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
Skits
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Yep; understand completely! There are transitions - this time, for you - a definition that "fits" and feels right - that just scream out for a whole image revamp, including screen name changes.
I'm taking this a bit further - IRL. I'm slowly but surely losing inches (trying to ignore the weight and just getting my body fit & trim)... getting more energy by eating better... and since, when I look in the mirror all I see is how much I look like my mom and it's mostly that my hair is all a drab not-quite-white, too... Halloween is the last day I'm going to look like that!! I get my hair professionally colored on Tuesday; nothing drastic... just not this stark, albert einstein-ish, wicked witch dirty white color anymore. Besides, times is tough for small businesses... and the guy who's doing my hair is really, really good (and a grandpa - so we have generations of history that we've lived thru together)... so I'm investing in him & myself at the same time.
I'm also trying some new kinds of clothes... new silhouettes...experimenting. Just because I've got an AARP card, doesn't mean I don't care how I look... or don't care how I feel because of how I look!!! (gosh, that sounds kinda feisty... but it does matter to me.)
You know how some folks get all this energy in the spring? Fall is when it hits me. I'm cleaning out, purging, "spring cleaning" my whole house... and when I walk into the rooms that are "done" it feels like I've just given myself a nice present. I might even decorate for Christmas this year - just to enjoy it and change things up a little. AFTER - I clean out that closet and donate some of the decorations for the folks down Hatteras way who lost everything, including for some 2 dozen folks, the house itself.
What are you up to, with all your new energy?
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Well PR,
That was great!
After pegging myself, and choosing a new name (or some before but all mooshed together) I had also found the cause if why my car was draining my battery steadily. Now I can count on my car as I did before. I stopped taking pain pills for pain, as the were for pain, not against pain, and now the pain has receded, but now and again take an Arthritis pill. I sleep 12 hours/24. I did shopping, laundry, therapy, bath, washed hair, cleaned a tall boy's dresser's drawers and had 2 days free before next therapy, which was today. That is some change! .....re energy!
I am 72½ and I attach my brown hair, as of last Christmas, all natural colour---- but my mother was like this at 86 when she died, in 1994.
Stopping the pain pills, has also stopped the weight gain, the all over body-fatigue, plus drowsiness that would find me sleeping at my computer desk!
I'm coming up to my one year of no-smoking, after 54 years of smoking (but just scarfed down a small pizza) and will take everyone as is, but will help those I can, if asked, and not always expect that every "down-face" I see is because of something awful that I have done!
My therapy is paid by the Insurance Co. still or will be after claim settlement, and Karla really needed a shoulder today re her N in-laws, so we did some therapy and then talked for 1½ hrs.
Sometimes it's only ONE best friend we trust and need!
Thanks
PR
Love
Skits
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Man! That's great your hair is still this color. I look like I saw a ghost back when I was 12 and have been haunted by it, ever since! LOL... my first noticeable gray started when I was 17. If it were all consistently that color, I might be able to just roll with it... but the back of my head is still mostly the original color. So it's like a punk-rock hair-color experiment that went really bad when it grew out, you know? And then there's the mom-look-alike issue... that's just mostly more of an annoyance; an irritation and since no one around me where I live now has any idea what my mom looks like... well, I guess I think it shouldn't be a big deal. Some days, it isn't.
But the other thing, is that I used to FEEL old - not caring, giving up, doing my best imitation of being depressed, powerless & helpless (la-la-la... not speculating on whether it was real or not; it was temporary; that's all that matters now) and well, self-limiting. Because, mostly, my kids were grown... or supposedly didn't need a full-time mom anymore... my job was just a substitute for needing to be needed... (tho I still miss a lot of those relationships; I enjoyed the people) and I just didn't feel as if I deserved to really enjoy or "have a life" after being mom. I was sentencing myself to a premature decline, you know? Because I looked older than my real age, for one thing. Because I didn't have any built-in boundaries about self-harm, self-sabotage... because I'd been programmed to think there was something morally and socially "wrong" about immersing myself in "my" life - and finally being able to give it my undivided attention. All those things.
So, changing the hair color for me, is like changing a name. Or getting a tattoo! :shock: It's just a symbol of an inner change. A life milestone. My D still insists that one day, she's going to give me a tattoo... whether I want one or not!! Maybe I should swap her out as my HPOA, after my hubs... she could accomplish this goal while I'm incapacitated... LOL!!!!
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hi PR
There are about 5 different natural colours --close to black underneath, med brown otherwise with highlights of blond and red, plus my gray.
I grew it long because I was in and out of bed so much I would have been styling it all the time. Most 'older women' go for short, but I am being my eccentric self. My mother's hair was also this colour brown with a little gray, when she died at 86, but she wore the "old lady's bob". She seldom smiled so her nouth was an arc downwards on both sides, I decided to wear a smile at all times. However when she had been "arranged" she looked 40.
I still feel young, as I just never 'grew up', I expect, yet I am a responsible adult (I think.)
Skits
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Then, you'll like some of hubs' sayings (we kinda wish he'd published these a long time ago, since we keep hearing them in weird places now!) -
Just because you grow old, doesn't mean you have to "grow up".
You don't have to stop playing... just because you're older; you get "old" when you stop playing.
Which must mean, I'm ancient! LOL... right now, I'm in another "git r done" phase... my "value" based on how much I accomplish... my enjoyment coming from the fruits of my labors. But I have learned - finally - to pace myself better.
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Ah PR! old sayings, GREAT!
I can use all mine and no one has heard them before (well lots of them, not all.)
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Hi Skits,
I like your new name and will try to get used to the change. There is something liberating about changing one's name. Especially if the old name is associated with feeling like an unloved wreckage on the road of life.
On the other hand it seems that you are jumping on the bandwagon and defining yourself as mentally ill. If the description of Schizoid PD is ok with you and helps you navigate your life then that is nice. However, it does seem a tad judgmental. A lot of feminist therapists are suspicious of the PD label as it is usually very wounded women who get labelled this by doctors who don't have the skills or time to deal with the underlying pain and the very real issues.
I must be schizoid too.......... I like to be alone now and I read and read.
Love,
Sea storm