Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: fraidycat on November 06, 2011, 04:39:54 PM
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Years ago my nsister was taking jabs at me to make me look bad on FB (we have a lot of friends in common who saw her unfair remarks). I was afraid people might believe her but got sick of defending myself so I confronted her in private and asked her to stop. She insisted it was just a joke (she always used lol and lmbo after the remarks) and kept up with the insults and slander so I unfriended and blocked her. Now that she can't use my page to badmouth me she is reaching out to our mutual friends to bad mouth me on their pages. Most recently a friend posted about how special sisters are. My sister responded by saying "Unfortunately I have the worlds worst sisters" The mutual friend sympathised with her as did other friends, she told them that she had tried to talk it out with me but that just made it worse. Bullcrap! She's so twisted. One offered to be her surrogate sister! That made me so sick! I posted a great article about bullying and attention seeking that fit my sister to a tee on my page hoping they would see it. I'm wondering if it would be a good idea to private message these people and explain my reasons for not responding to her remarks, I hate that they might believe her. What do you think?
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www.bullyonline.org/workbully/serial.htm
Interesting article...applies to cyber bulling too, especially the part about "attention seeker"
This is what I put on my wall, I didn't say why. I know it won't do any good to talk to nsister so I wont, but I wonder if bringing this to other peoples attention in private with an explanation in-case the didn't see it would help.
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I'd only talk to those people who I wanted, and judged to be, very good friends of mine. And those friends wouldn't be encouraging the sister like that, so maybe i wouldn't need to talk to them.
As for making the others see your side, I'd forget it, otherwise you're drawing attention to yourself and making yourself available for counter-attacks from sister. It's all a game, and it's best not to play. Unfriend those who side with your sister or think it's 'funny'. They are not friends.
And I wouldn't send anything on a private message that you wouldn't mind the whole world seeing; because it's possible that someone somewhere will stick it on public view.
So no, don't defend your honour on facebook. Get rid of the two-timing so-called friends. Just my opinion.
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Thanks Freshwater, We grew up in the same neighborhood as both girls and I think they were just being nice, I'm not sure if they believe her. It came out of the blue for both of them they were talking about how much they appreciated sisters (I was close friends with 2 of their sisters who aren't on FB and have become friends through FB with both of them and siblings from both familys. I want a connection) Both have been nice to me and everyone else. I don't think they would share a private message but I get what you saying. I hate being portrayed in such a negative way it's not fair to me. Most people don't like my sister they just tolerate her from what I can see.
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Totally agree with every word FW wrote, Fraidy, just to add my 2 cents...
And, I'd suggest taking reflective inventory of how much of your time goes to FB and decide maybe to give more of that time to 3-D friends, even making new ones...
(I spend a lot of time here which could be similar but it feels valuable, always...still a FB holdout but I may cave eventually...)
xo
Hops
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You know, you just helped me realize that I never spent much time on FB until I felt like I had to watch my back. Now I check all the time to see what angle she's going to shoot from next. It use to be fun getting to know people all over again and see what they've been up to and see pictures of them with their familys. I've been able to reconnect with people I have not seen in years and even meet up with quite a few in 3-D because of FB. I don't want to lose those chances, I enjoy that. I'm not sure if ignoring is good enough I've done that for years with my family and lost a lot. I see her game she's tearing away at my reputation to change peoples perseption of me & gain attention for herself. If I do react, it won't be soon but it will be discrete and fair. You've both given me a lot to think about.
Fraidy
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Fraidy, discrete and fair is the way to go, if you're going there!
Re: facebook, when a prime minister does this: http://www.thejournal.ie/berlusconi-takes-to-facebook-to-deny-resignation-rumours-273437-Nov2011/
you know just how desperate a situation is. How bonkers is that?!!
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Now that's desperate!... and cowardly. He has the means for all the media attention he wants but he chose a way to avoid it and just get his side in.
I have not reacted to my sisters remarks and I think its best to wait. If it gets worse I might have to stand up for myself...till then I will just ignore it.
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The article about attention seeking was spot-on! Thanks fo rreminding my my nm's behavior isn't "quirky" --it's SICK! I should start a file of such things so I can refer to it whenever I need to.
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Fraidy
ignoring is good.
If it gets a lot worse, you could threaten, or start posting links about LEGAL ACTION. Eg: articles on 'when is gossip slander or libel in Law and how do I take it to court?'. I'm partly joking, but it depends how bad it could get? Just saying that you are aware of the law is enough to stop some bullies (because they're too stoopid to look up the facts for themselves).
It's best not to play the game though. Better to find another game that you like :D
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Erin I keep a file of articles and websites in favorites on msn. I set up folders (recipes, school, npd, community etc.) to make it easier to find things, I like to go back and reread when the time suits me. And your mom is definitely not just quirky!
FW she knows I have two lawyers on my husbands side that would help me. After I broke off contact with nsister because of her malicious remarks she messaged me to let me know our nmom was slandering me, she was feigning concern and loyalty. I knew she was just trying to suck me back in, I didn't want to hear about it and warned her that if this turns into a law suit I can and will have her subpoenaed to court. That shut her up. When she makes liable remarks she adds lol, jk or lmbo etc... to protect herself from responsibility. I think I'll have to keep a record of this junk just in case.
Fraidy
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Hi fraidy! I don't know whether what she's said constitutes libel or slander... legally... but it sure sounds like online harrassment! At the moment, I don't know how many states have laws about this kind of thing... but since it's a fairly common thing, many sites are taking steps to police this on their own, voluntarily. Why don't you report her to FB?
You might get a form-letter reply, but it puts you on the record with them in case things go downhill from here. Report every instance where you feel you're being targeted. Then, step back and let the "management" handle it.
I do have a few questions for you, tho. Do you really think people are going to buy her brand of BS and believe her? People that know you well? Does it matter if people you don't know well, buy into crazy-talk? Isn't it likely, that she'll "out" herself for the malicious wacko that she is... all by herself? And all you have to do, is resist the temptation to get angry, fight back and defend yourself against sheer made-up crap... because if you enter the "ring" and start to duke it out with her - online or legally or whatever... you only become part of the sick side-show drama, right?
Might be time to give yourself a break from subjecting yourself to FB & her "preferred" method of harassing you. For a few weeks.
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Fraidy,
There are Internet lawyers. I expect Internet laws are being written moment to moment at this stage in cyber world. I like PR's suggestion of going through the FB system before taking other steps. Libel/slander are somewhat defined by whether there is malicious intent. Your story sure sounds like there is malicious intent.
I called down an accuser a few months ago by reminding her that what she had written in an email to me was a clear statement of intent to do bodily harm to me, to harm my property and my reputation. Guess what I got back in her email. Sue me! The nastiness stopped though.
tt
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So do I tt, good idea Phoenix! I blocked her so its just by chance that I catch her in the act. She has made remarks to friends accusing me of terrorizing their siblings in my youth, saying my children don't feel loved, That I'm so selfish and self centered for not asking about her, then crying "I guess some people will never change" just to name a few of the offences that I've caught. It's all projection and lies. (if you knew me better you would laugh at this!) She really revealed herself tonight and got a lot of people mad. She doesn't aim for her friends she pushes their friends buttons. I may not have to do anything just sit back and let her burst into flames. To answer another question it does bother me that people might listen to her crap but maybe thats my problem...something I need to work on. Nobody wants to be treated unfairly but I'm not going to react on FB. I'll just wait for her to reveal herself and document and report if I need to.
Thank you both!
Fraidy.
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Some how I only saw half of your message tt. The n's in my family will back down too if the think they might be held responsible but it never stops them from getting the last word in! ;0) You were smart to get evedence even though you didn't have to use it, sometimes a threat is enough.
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Hi fraidy,
I was under attack by N friend to other friends. I didn't discuss, wasn't angry, pretty much ignored ...the slander (or tried to be slander) from N. My friends know me as much as they know N friend. They know (how she is) for she has exposed herself many of times (although) they don't know (narcissism). These are my friends, my family, my sister's. Everyone else she can knock herself out with and may believe her for a while AND I DON'T CARE for they really Don't Know nor do I care to explain, defend, or even know many of them. I know of them (the same way they know of me) through her (words) same slander against them when things are just not going her way or she is in the Devalue Stage. And yes....some was put on facebook when her b/f ran for the hills (out of state) to get away from her. The only thing that happened is (everyone) thought of her as an ass and childish. The post was quickly removed by N but the message was put out there. The response (was of no response) clearly to be seen and commented on.
It was not (online) but there are some offline (that laughed) thought it was great.........AND THEY WERE THE PEOPLE just like her .......Un aware that they are no different or thought about different from N. She destroyed her relationship all by herself with her Ex, her children, her family, some of her friends, employment, new people, old people, and it never ends but it does Blow Up into Flames (as you wrote). I have even heard people try to explain themselves...I didn't, it's lies, let me explain.........and there is NO NEED to explain anything (really) cause I know what she is, what she does, and what she will continue to do.........if you feed her fire it will be eternal....Ignore her, the comments, the non comments, and eventually she will burn herself out, with most people (not all) but most. You will become boring to her after awhile and there will be
the people (around her) whom she wins over (under the new attack) upon them.
Right out of N's mouth (attack upon her bf) on face book.....I do it because I know it upsets him.........She get's a response. She hates, drives her crazy, if she get's No Response and is Ignored.
Facebook is a great tool for N's and a great tool to Expose themselves. They always do. Just some people don't get ..An N? They do get (anyone normal) that it's not Normal to Air anything personal on a Wall/Post or thier feelings about another......N or Not. They are sour grapes and something is done for a reason!!!!!!! To Harm!! in N case.
Ignore it. Delete her. You can't shut them up!!! So shut them Out!
Deb
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Dang it. Deb & I must've posted simultaneously... and the server accepted her post... and mine just evaporated.
I was gonna post about our fear that other people will be fooled into believing an N's version of reality and had a long story to tell about it. I probably can't recreate it now... so it's a good thing Deb got all the ideas out that I was gonna say!! LOL...
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Hi Deb and PR @ Pr, I hate when that happens!
I delete her as a friend over a year ago. We are a year apart, grew up in the same neighborhood went to the same school, church etc. We have around one hundred friends in common. I only see what she responds on their posts. I wish I didn't have to see anything from her because she's trying to provoke me through them. I have been ignoring her for a while now but I am sensitive about it. I have four N's in my biological family that have attacked my reputation and integrity. One lies and the others swear to it....story of my life. Four against one is not good odds. After a lot of damage was done I cut them out of my life one by one over the past ten years, it was hard. I isolated myself for years but now I need a jumping off point to get back into socializing and FB has really helped. I think she realized that I was having fun with it and that I had a good rapport with people, was jealous and is just trying to slap me down. She uses religion and strict morals as a weapon but her words and actions don't reflect either one. People are seeing it & getting sick of her. But I feel like I'm being avoided by some to avoid her.
Fraidy
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Fraidy,
I don't know much about how FB works but I was imagining a message you might put up (unless that's nuts):
I want to say how very much it has meant to be to be on FB and come out of some long-term
isolation. Thank you to everyone who posts such positive, friendly, and interesting things. You may not
even know how wonderful this outlet is for me, but I enjoy looking for those messages every day!
Something like that?
Those who are innately "friendly" will get it, and those who haven't really been positive voices, may
either change their ways or fade away. It might even subtly warn them that you've begun to experience
something that might be the opposite of what you mention...but you're just too classy to go there.
??
Hops
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Thanks Hops, I am considering using your words as a guide. I usually don't post anything deep on FB but if this gets worse your suggestion is a graceful way of getting the point across without provoking. I appreciate it.
Fraidy
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IMO, tell the truth once and let the chimps fall where they may.
Those who are fools will not believe you no matter how many times they hear the truth, those who aren't only need to hear it once.
mud
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I believe that to be true, Mud.
Some truths are a bit more difficult though. They need repeating and then they might get heard.
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Mud that was my initial reaction, lay the cards on the table and let them decide for themselves. Good way to weed out the idiots. I wanted to do it privately but then realized I might be putting them in the middle of something that they didn't want any part of so I let it go. Fw I agree.
Fraidy
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Several friends posted that this is national sisters week on FB....lucky me! I don't have time for my sisters pity party this week so I think I'll just focus on Thanksgiving and the people I have to be thankful for.
Fraidy
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"National Sisters Week"??? So that's what Congress is doing between recesses that's keeping them so busy and distracting them from being useful!!
LOL. Who knew there was such a holiday? It's not on any of my calendars!! (And the calendar is the authority, right??) All these "Hallmark Holidays" are getting out of control...
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I just wanted to say, that I've been through this, with my Nmother and Borderline Father. They've slandered me high and low - to every person they come into contact with, and its had a very real cost. I've lost virtually all of the family and friendships I had growing up... except for a couple.
But, though it has been hard, I've learned over time, that if people are so easily swayed - and so easily convinced of the way my parents characterize me, without talking to me or giving me the benefit of the doubt first based on the years they've known me - then so be it. Let them fall away. It hurts, but its better to let it happen now when you understand the variables, then to be surprised later.
I would also say that those couple of friendships I mentioned above - I value them high above all others, because they went through the fire of my N parents - and came out solid and pure. Better one relationship or friendship like that, than hundreds of false ones. ;-)
I know it's hard though. Just meant as encouragement.
SF
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Thanks SF,
Your experiences and mine mirror each other. Sometimes the injustice of loosing people through the unfairness of others makes me want to reclaim what I once had. Life's not always fair and I have learned to move on for the most part. It's always harder for me during the holidays, I reflect on making things right and wonder what it would have been like to have a loving family. I am doing exactly what you described "letting them fall away" If they cant give me the benefit of the doubt or at least look at things from both sides. they don't deserve me...still hurts though. Thanks for your understanding and encouragement, I know I'm not alone.
Fraidy