Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: lighter on November 08, 2011, 03:27:16 PM
-
I'm wondering how you, and Tayana, are lately.
Lighter
-
thank you so much for asking. I have a new job. I have a new apartment, had to move. There is a new man interested in me, I donot know what to think because he is too nice and I am not used to nice people. My job is very difficult but I am paid and make a living. So, can't complain.
Thank you for asking.
Sometimes I think that nobody cares.
-
HI sweet Lup!
I care! I'm sorry the job is hard. That's so draining.
(And thank you, Lighter...for reaching out to Lup....)
xo
Hops
-
(((((Hi Lupita)))))
I care!
I think about you often. How is your son?
Would love to hear more.
Love you,
Peace
-
Hi Lup,
You know whats the greatest thing about being friends? You may not speak all the time, for a long time but when you do ...You pick up like it was yesterday!!
I care and think about you and all often.
Deb
-
Hey Lup:
Tell us about the new man.
What are the nice behaviors and things he does that stand out?
How does it make you feel?
I suppose it's not much in your comfort zone to have someone be kind, but you just might have to get over that: )
Lighter
-
He took me to a chines restaurant, he paid, the fortune cookie said: "unexpected relationship will become permanent". He said then, keep this paper. Save it. He has not said anything ugly or done anything to make me feel bad. He is very considerate. He does not want to tango. Nice opportunity to get out of tango and have good company. I feel very relaxed with him. He says he has a masters degree in education and he behaves very respectful. I have not been in his house yet. I will know more about him when I am at his house.
-
Lupita:
It sounds like he's a gentleman, and you enjoy being treated well.
Just try to stay relaxed, know you're moving slowly, don't dismiss the red flags, and don't blow the little quirks out of proportion.
Maybe it would be a good idea to journal, so you can re visit your thoughts about him later on.
Boundaries up! Fun-field down: )
Lighter
-
Well, I went to his house and found out he is married. But, he is a very nice person. He just never said he was married after 11 days of friendship. Now, I do not want anything to do with him, but strict friendship, and distant friendship. He is still a very nice person and I do not blame him for wanting to have something to do with me, even though he had to lie about it. That means I am growing up and I do not feel like a victim. Yipy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had a lot of fun with this man who plays acordion and we played tangos together, piano and accordion, and he dances too and he speaks several languages like I do. I am sorry he is married but I trust in the Lord that somebody will appear for me some day.
Do the best you can with what you have from where you are and your ship will find you.
The universe is powerful; and I feel very content.
-
I'm sorry he can't be a comfortable friend, Lupe, but it does sound like you're experiencing growth.
My favorite prayer is to ask the Lord to help me help myself, and to help me see the truth more clearly. What do you pray for?
If you remember to find pleasure in your daily abolutions...... creating sacred space in your home............ caring for yourself....... continuing to do things that bring you pleasure......
you will meet new people, and be in a good place to make decisions about them.
Coming from a position of want, not need.
Understanding what a boundary is, having them in place, and defending them appropriately.....
consitently, means you'll continue growing.
It means you'll be able to stop learning the same lessons over and over, and move on to new ones.
Life is a learning jouney. We never stop growing (((Lupita.)))
Lighter
-
If you remember to find pleasure in your daily abolutions...... creating sacred space in your home............ caring for yourself....... continuing to do things that bring you pleasure......
I feel pleasure in piano, dancing, and resting peacefully at home. But the most pleasure I have is being with a man, either sitting at a beach observing the sunset, or walking, or talking, just the company of men makes me feel complete. God made me that way. I am trying to feel different but it is hard.
you will meet new people, and be in a good place to make decisions about them.
To decide not to fall in love? is that a decision or comes from your needs? or from your what? if you are full you do not feel like eating, but I am so hungry of love!!!!!
Coming from a position of want, not need.
Understanding what a boundary is, having them in place, and defending them appropriately.....
consitently, means you'll continue growing.
Boundary? if you are wishing the human contact, how do you put a boundary in place? Hope I become an iceberg and do not feel any need.
It means you'll be able to stop learning the same lessons over and over, and move on to new ones.
I disagree in this because I am in better posiition, do not feel devastated, I understand what happens and do not get depressed. So, the lesson is learned, but I donot give up, I keep trying and hope that the Lord will provide a good man for my dreams.
A man wanted to come and practice with me ay my home and I said, there is no place in my house we have to plractice ina studio. Even though I am desiring the opposite. Is that learning?
-
Lupe:
You do sound like you're in a better space, and if you can turn your attention to enjoying what you DO have, you'll find company when you least expect it.
Happiness is a magnet.
As for not letting the guy come to your home, I guess you want to make sure he's a good guy, get to know him better, and make good decisions based on facts, not your need to be with someone. This is a good thing, right?
lighter
-
How do you suppress the need and magnify the want?
I have many wants but have more needs that wants, I know that. But it does not go away by it self. Even though I do affirmations, mirror work, posters, etc. Practice meditation, think about detachment, etc.
Still, the needs are there.
I think it is like diabetes, a disease that will be controlled but never cured. I will always have the need of a man or a love even if it is a woman mothering me. With just that I think I might be fixed. But I am not wrong, and there is nothng wrong with me. I am OK as I am and will be OK anyway. So, I dont make any sense.
-
Lupe:
It's human to have needs, wants and desires.
We all do, but we must keep in mind boundaries, and skills (such as the ability to put off gratification) so we can make better choices.
Learning is a lifelong journey. We never stop. Growth goes on, and unfortunately, discomfort and pain is usually the catalyst.
As they say in AA, replace replace replace old habits with new habits...... they get less alien, and eventually become pleasures if we stick with them.
We can accept and love ourselves as human beings, while mindfully changing habits, or behaviors that don't serve us well.
I think I've you've grown a lot through the years, Lupita.
Don't you?
Lighter
-
He called me and wrote me today. He says he is coming back and he wants to pursuit a relationship with me. He says that he does not want to be married to his wife anymore. Of course, I dream of a man by my side and somebody to love to. But I do not want to be hurt again. He is handsome like very handsome. plays the accordion, loves to hear me play the piano, likes to dance, he has all attributes that I like. I do not want to suffer. I do not want to lose the few acquaintances that I have now like I did with M. I want to give him a chance, but I am afraid that God will punish me ofr that. He has been separated from his wife for eleven years, he said, they have been married many years but the last eleven they have not been living together and he was having a single life but now she wants him back and that triggered that he wants the divorce. So, it is not my fault that they might divorce, God knows that.
Anyway, I have a prospective dance partenr that is potentially very good and dont want to lose him becuase of G. His nams is G. Need to work on detachment.
-
How do I know he is not a predator? He seems like a good person. But I start feeling uncomfortable since he lied to me before he might do it again. But I don't know what to do. He said he is coming back next week just to be with me he says to stay here for me and finish his nonexistent marriage with a legal divorce. But how do I know he is telling the truth? I guess I don't know. I will not know. Just time will tell. If in a few days he says, "this is not working. I am going back to my ex" that means he was just playing me.
What can I do? How can I give him a chance without me getting hurt?
-
Hey Lupe:
Set some boundaries to keep yourself safe.
Did this guy tell you he wasn't married, then turn around and admit he is, then turn around and say he's going to get a divorce, but you have to BE with him first?
I'm not following entirely here, but it's perfectly reasonable that you would keep him at a safe distance while he's going through a divorce.
Also perfectly reasonable that you would enjoy your new dance partner, and have the time of your life dancing, no matter what's going on.
It sounds like G's wife wants him back, and he's using that as a reason to finally get divorced...... you aren't the reason, and you don't want to be.
Keep busy. Let him know you aren't an apple to be picked off a tree just bc he's reaching. You can put boundaries in place, and defend them. That's what healthy people do, Lupe.
I wouldn't date a married man, and it's reasonable that you wouldn't either. If he puts a lot of pressure on you to change your mind, THAT's a red flag. If he can't respect your feelings when they go against his desires, then he's more interested in controlling you than having a relationship.
Pay attention to what he says and does. If he gives you a voice, and wants you to be happy, then he'll keep his distance, respect your request and come back when he's a single man. HOpefully he'll find you dancing and happy and in a place to want a relationship, not NEED one.
Protect yourself, cause no one else will.
BTW, what's going on with your son?
Is he doing OK?
Lighter
-
Hi Lupita,
I think the most important thing is to set your own boundaries for yourself. My suggestion would be:
Don't date or sleep with a married man, or a man who is confusingly "semi attached' or "not quite free yet" or anything like that...
Recipe for heartache, disaster, and much much pain later...no matter how pleasant the desire is now.
love,
Hops