Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Redhead Erin on November 12, 2011, 11:11:06 AM
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Lets start a thread to ask all those ridiculous questions we cannot ask anyone else, and get feedback. That is the worst part about searching for info on the internet, IMO. You can get good advice but if you can't make the advice work for you, it can be hard to get feedback or clarification. For example, in my question about mopping the floor, (I haven't tried Hops advice yet) what if I can 't make it work out for me? Or what if I have additional questions? I owuld not want to admit on ah uge message board that I cant figure out how to follow simple instructions--but I would tell you guys here! :lol: :lol:
So I have another house cleaning question: Why is it, after I mop, there is still stuff on the floor? Why didnt all the sweeping/mopping/vacuuming gfet it all? I used to think it was something wrong with the house, but we moved and I have the same problem in this house! I swear I am very careful, because I know I have this issue, but it still seems as soon as I am done, there si stuff on my floor--just sitting there! What is up with it?
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Guesses:
Dirty mop?
Using too much detergent/cleaner?
Old house?
Dust coming out of ductwork?
I am no Heloise, but I think if that's a big problem, perhaps you want to choose a room and clean it from the top down. Bigger job, but perhaps there's dust falling from top edges as the air moves.
And remember, even if a mopped floor seems to have "stuff on it" afterward -- it's still a floor that's a whole lot cleaner than it was!
Perfection is the enemy of the good.
Make the goal to do an adequate job. That's all. And then to do it again every couple weeks. Just adequately.
(fwiw, when I clean a floor, I do tend to use a SMALL bucket or plastic basin, and I get up and rinse out the mop very thoroughly and wring it dry at least 4 times during the job for a small kitchen. Change the water each time, too. I use a very little "Simple Green" kind of stuff and add a cup of white vinegar. So nice to clean without those crappy fumes from those stupid expensive unecessary specialized cleaners that poison us and profit companies who spend most of it on marketing...all that hypnotic stuff about hygiene that taps into fear...). Google "home made cleaners" and you'll have a blast. SO easy. Vinegar and simple detergent. That's it!
xo
Hops
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Thank you so much Erin for starting this thread...
I wish I could help with the floor-mopping question, but I'm hopeless at cleaning the house too. I can't seem to figure out why it takes me so long, never looks clean enough, etc.
I have loads of questions, mostly financial that I wish I could ask my folks. But NM would just rejoice too much in my present poverty... Mainly, can anyone out there tell me:
- Can you buy oil for the house on credit? Or with some kind of payment plan?
- What's the best way to scare up a few thousand dollars until a delayed paycheck comes? Will def. be able to pay it off by February. Just bought our house, so don't think I have enough equity for a home equity loan...
Also, on a beauty/personal care note: How the hell do you do eye make-up?
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Hi Erin,
I don't know I have the same problem. I even thought about bringing in the leaf blower 220mph out the door.....but I can tell you....
For your stainless steel sink not shiny any longer (little pledge spray will do ya)
For your inbetween (yuk) on faucets) ...Hello toothbrush...Works great (including) a little pledge spray to make shiny
For carpet stains (if your brave enough) and what carpet ......In my sons room before I would replace it I painted borders within borders. It looked great!!
Tape and paint from the arts and crafts in any wall mart.
Boring, boring, doors in my bedroom entrance to my bathroom....A curtain rod above, nice set of curtains, pull them back ..leave doors open and WOW.....bottom cabinet doors of sink Boring again a single white topper (with a ruffle) tacked.and wha la!
The best bathroom cleaner (IMO) Ka Boom!
The best way when I want to really get in there and Clean, Clean , Do it really Clean......for floor is on my hands and knees. For the pergo kind of wood floors and a neighbor that installs them told me that Windex is the best way. So far I agree.
The dust bunnies arghhhh.....Even when I empty my laundry from dryer I have to vacum again!!!!!!!!
Oh yeah and I take my vacum apart every now and them and clean that too. And then sometimes I don't!!
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Hi KZ,
I love answering questions about living life -- how odd, considering my performance. Ah well. I love flapping my jaw, giving advice. And I like the domestic realities of things that people don't discuss much. And looking up stuff about questions I have no clue about (which is most of them). Thanks for sharing these.
$$ -- the most enormous help to me even though I have a long way to go has been taking this class: http://www.daveramsey.com/fpu (http://www.daveramsey.com/fpu). I don't agree with him politically and am very far from where he is religiously. But he GETS IT about financial ignorance and how people get overwhelmed and confused and breaks it down into specific steps anyone can understand. If you take the class once, you can return to it as many times as you like, forever. I am so glad I did it and would like nothing better than to persuade others to.
Few thousand? Be brutal about your automobiles, is one thing Dave Ramsey would say. (My 4-person family NEVER owned more than one car. And I've never purchased a new one in my life.) Here's a column he did:
Dear Dave: What's your rule of thumb about how much your car should be worth in comparison with your income?
-- Madea
Dear Madea,
Great question. My rule of thumb is that all of your vehicles - I'm talking about cars, trucks, boats and their Sea-Doo sisters, motorcycles and anything else like this - should not total more than half your annual income.
Why? It's because all of these kinds of things go down in value. You never want half of your income going into things whose value is dropping like a rock. You don't need a $20,000 car if you're making $30,000 a year. That's just stupid. Think about it this way. If you're making that kind of money, and I walk up and tell you I've got an investment opportunity that will turn $20,000 of your hard-earned income into $12,000 in just three or four years, are you going to take me up on the offer? If you've got a brain in your head, the answer's no!
Read more: http://www.tri-cityherald.com/2010/10/01/1192812/daves-guidelines-on-buying-vehicles.html#ixzz1dVpZk95U
FUEL OIL:
Call your oil company and ask them if they have a budget plan. Most have special funds to help people who're having trouble paying for heating in hard times. Beyond that...read sites like this: http://tlc.howstuffworks.com/home/how-to-conserve-energy-at-home.htm (http://tlc.howstuffworks.com/home/how-to-conserve-energy-at-home.htm) And do searches like this: http://www.google.com/#sclient=psy-ab&hl=en&source=hp&q=buying+heating+oil+on+credit&pbx=1&oq=buying+heating+oil+on+credit&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&gs_sm=e&gs_upl=903l6805l0l7499l40l24l4l6l6l3l265l4542l0.16.8l33l0&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.,cf.osb&fp=606bb3eb2961e332&biw=1155&bih=579 (http://www.google.com/#sclient=psy-ab&hl=en&source=hp&q=buying+heating+oil+on+credit&pbx=1&oq=buying+heating+oil+on+credit&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&gs_sm=e&gs_upl=903l6805l0l7499l40l24l4l6l6l3l265l4542l0.16.8l33l0&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.,cf.osb&fp=606bb3eb2961e332&biw=1155&bih=579)
INSULATE LIKE A CRAZY PERSON. Then add plastic sheeting over the windows with Velcro tape during winter, draft stoppers you can make out of old tights stuffed with newspaper. I retreat basically to one room during the winter and use a space heater. I have a housemate so have to keep it at at least 62 overnight, but if she's not here, it's down to 55 and I'm snug in the one bedroom. For a family, dictate "winter indoor downsizing" and turn off the registers in rooms that aren't vital...retreat to a cozy family zone...hang blankets over the doors to those unused rooms. Make like pioneers. Are you in the North?
I'm sure some of these thoughts veered way off the mark, but it was fun. Used to earn my living researching answers.
Eye makeup? Blow it off, you're gorgeous. Or--use light blush in one sweep over your lids and the cheapest eyeliner I've heard of is granulated charcoal. You buy capsules in a bottle at a drugstore. Dampen a fine brush, dip, and there ya go. I can't wear mascara and the heck with it. I'm adding a little brow powder since one's half white.
If it's more elaborate than that or magazine-image based, you're wasting your time. And being mean to yourself. And buying into somebody else's idea of what beauty is... (in my never-opinionated opinion). Our culture is sick-sick-SICK about the female body. It feels so good to make your own choices about it. Draw an invisible line in your head about simplicity, enjoy whatever beauty ritual you actually enjoy and tell the rest of the conjured-up stuff to go sit on a tack. ANYTHING you feel anxious about is something to stop.
Boy i'm on a roll. Would be nice if I was doing my paperwork instead of bloviating....
Hops
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OMG Hops! THANK YOU!! I can't tell you how grateful I am for all the above advice.
Like I said, horrible to ask anyone in my FOO anything like the above questions. You know that classroom wisdom: there's no such thing as a stupid question? Well, to NM, every question is a stupid question!
That's been one of the hardest obstacles in my recovery: learning to ask for help. Even learning to express curiosity. I've always been one of those people who make a mental note when someone says something I don't understand, and try to remember to look it up later. That's because NM always shamed me anytime I asked a question, asked for help, looked confused. Classic NM: "What? You mean you didn't know THAT? Who doesn't know THAT? You really are clueless, naive, hopeless, etc. You're sooo lucky you have ME here to show you the light. Where would you be without ME?" Ugh, nauseating.
I try not to let on to FOO about financial/work hardships especially. As they pass the gossip around, feeding on my misfortunes like a pack of hungry wolves. God, I really hate them. That's so socially unacceptable to say. But it's true.
Anyway, thank you a million times over for the encouragement and advice. Yes, we're in the northeast. But we will find a way to tough it out this winter! I just want to keep my little babies warm. Very hard not to beat myself up over the finances (I'm the sole breadwinner), doin' my damndest to provide for everyone :(
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Hi Hops and Kay,
I put the plastic on the outside of windows and inside. My house is kinda antiqued or old comfy looking so under my nice (silky curtins) I put another curtain rod. I hang blankets (quilted designs) so it's nice to the eye also.
I use space heaters also. I took a chance and bought an infrared heater (endorsed by Bob Vila) said it worked more like a portable furnace. Did 1,000 feet wall to wall and floor to ceiling. Cost 450 to buy and if on for 24/7 about 40 bucks a month. Then found them other places 1/2 the price. That's for the 1000 sq feet. They also have personal ones (smaller area). And mine works to where (my house is not large) I don't have to use my oil (pretty much at all).
My friend uses plastic (clear) bathroom tub/bath/shower liners behind her curtains instead of the costly insulated curtains
My electric bill vs oil and electric bill is about 334 a month. I know it sounds alot but with the oil delivery (and old house) and electric it would cost me about 220 to 230 for electric and anywhere from 460 to 600 every five weeks for oil. So I actually save. A lot.
This year will be more saving because I insulated to my eyeballs. I use the kids electric sockets that has no opening unless you twist because believe it or not ....if you put your hand near the plug opening Cold Air comes out.
I even found a heating unit that looks and blows air like a coal stove (fake fire going) that is infront of my fireplace (that I don't use) due to allergies and a big source of heat loss (when not in use) which cost me elect anyway if it is because it is an electric Blower. That I also plastic up.
I do love the space heaters but I'm carefull about them for some plugs got way to hot to the touch. The ones I have now...None. Nor do they get hot to the touch (good for little ones).
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My mama never told me that you could not get pregnant by holding a boys hand
Yes, I was that naive and I guess I inherited it from her? Can that be passed genetically? :lol:
tt
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Deb that's a great thought about the toddler plugs for electric sockets blocking air leaks. Thank you.
And also the blankets or quilts beneath window curtains--thank you for reminding me about this. One thing that bugs me about plastic is the chemical offgassing from that stuff--even when you can't smell it anymore. But a blanket's better than no subcurtains. Really glad you got me thinking about it again.
Because of all the illusion, it's awkward to cover the windows with plastic while the house is for sale...but sheesh.
hugs
Hops
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Something I've found out on my own.....women who wear reading glasses might like to wear them when cleaning, if you want to see the dirt you've been missing! *drats* :lol:
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What is it like to buy a car? You go in, choose a car, and apply. Then, what? Do they give you the car and the key right away once everything is approved?
Can anyone give me useful tips on car insurance? I'm sticking with the car insurance that my parents recommend, but I hate it! It's too expensive.
How do you find affordable car insurance?
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NLS..
I can't answer the first part of your question about buying a car in a dealership. I just bought my car (my first) used from a private seller.
But, in terms of auto insurance, I had really good luck going to a local insurance agency. Just the kind of mom and pop insurance agency that you'd find in your local phone book. They tend to call around to loads of bigger companies (like All-State, etc) in an effort to find you the lowest rate. I found this was cheaper than GEICO or Nationwide, and provided much better coverage in the event of an accident. Also, further down the road, if you find yourself thinking about home insurance, life insurance, etc. a local insurance company could help you bundle some of these and save further $$.
Hope this helps! love, Kay
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How to iron ANYTHING. I was expected to know how without being taught and, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do it PERFECT ENOUGH! Nowadays, I look for clothes that don't need ironing or just stick to T-shirts and blue jeans.
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NLS - some dealerships use their own finance companies; your alternative is to check with your bank about a car loan and what's required. Even if you don't buy one - going into the bank and asking, as if you WERE - will help you understand the process and what's good/bad about it for you. What you want to pay attention to, are the differences in the length of the loan, the interest rate, late fees, grace periods, etc. Hyundai is now guaranteeing buyers a dollar amount for what the car will be worth in trade-in after a certain period of time. I'm not sure how they can do this (nor how long it will be offered) or what the details are... but it's worth checking out. This company also has a very good warranty on their cars.
These days, you can actually shop online... CarMax, comes to mind... and be sure you read all the fine print in the warranties!! The online sites let you compare size, mpg, features etc... and this saves so much time (and pressure from salesmen who live on their commissions!). Still, I'm old-school - I have to get in the car and drive it before I know for sure how it fits me... what will bug me every time I'm in the car; what I can get used to. Also - understand, that as a woman going to buy a car the salespeople - even other women - are going to make a whole lot of stereotypical assumptions about your knowledge of cars. Educating yourself on the differences between between say, a 4-liter engine and a V6 is your best consumer protection mechanism. You don't have to let the salespeople know YOU know. ;)
Car insurance companies also have websites. I would spend some time reading there, first. Then perhaps you'll find a premium calculator... and can preview what their rates might be. I would do as much as I can online, before talking to a local rep; after all - they are salesmen. The good ones will always work in your best interest - to support customer loyalty. Some of the bargain rate companies - don't care about loyalty. Wikipedia has been a great source for me, when I don't understand some the legalese, or specialized terms used and need a definition. You will find a lot of those terms, in insurance literature and conversations.
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How to iron ANYTHING. I was expected to know how without being taught and, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do it PERFECT ENOUGH! Nowadays, I look for clothes that don't need ironing or just stick to T-shirts and blue jeans.
Well, to start... you need an ironing board and iron, though in a pinch - any flat surface that you can lay towels on to absorb the heat and won't be damaged by heat or steam, will do. 2-3 towel thicknesses should give you enough cushion to avoid hard creases and protect your counter top or table (NOTE - see below; never set down a hot iron on an unprotected surface!). A spray bottle with water can substitute for a steam iron, too... and actually, with some fabrics, I prefer this to steam. You don't want to soak the fabric; just dampen.
I learned by starting with hankerchiefs - but a placemat or any other flat item will work. Spread the item out, hand smooth it as best you can. It's OK if part of the item drapes over the side... you'll change it's position as you iron. You want to iron only 1 thickness of fabric, when it comes to say, pillowcases or garments - otherwise you'll be ironing in creases on the other side of the garment. For instance, shirts - you'll want to lay one side of the front on the board at a time while you iron. With a pillowcase or skirt, slide one thickness over the pointy part of the board and then reposition, as needed.
Heat up the iron to the setting that's designed for your fabric. Too hot an iron will cause delicate fabric to immediately curl up into wrinkles that will never iron out (ruined) or even scorch in the pattern of the iron. Things like nylon, chiffon, some silks... require a very low setting. Cotton settings are hotter and I always use this most often. Some irons will have a wool setting, too. Linen is usually the hottest setting. At first - don't even mess with the steam option; if your iron is a steam iron, it most likely has a "dry iron" setting.
Use the spritz bottle to lightly dampen the fabric. With one hand, hold the item at one edge... with the other, lower the iron close to the opposite side of the fabric. Hold the iron however it's most comfortable for you - point toward the holding hand or the side of the iron. It doesn't matter, except for what will fit in the area you are ironing. You'll keep a light tension on the fabric with one hand and glide the iron over the fabric with the other, toward the hand that's holding... be careful of how close you get to the other hand. I still burn myself from time to time. Usually, the iron will be hot enough that simply gliding in a constant motion is all you need to do. Sometimes, you'll want to hold the iron in place - but never more than a few seconds, unless you have heavy fabric and really stubborn wrinkles.
IF you iron a wrinkle or crease into the fabric, use the spritz bottle again on the crease and let it relax the fabric before pressing it out again. Sometimes, if the crease is too "hard"... only rewashing will get it out. When you've ironed over the flat surface of the board, set the iron down and reposition the item if it is larger than the board. NOTE: when you set the iron down, set it vertically - set it up either on the board or face down on the new silicone iron mats, so you don't leave a burn mark.
Then, practice until it starts to feel natural. Move up through simple garments... then shirts with collars, sleeves & cuffs. You'll figure out what works best for you. I learned to iron shirts on the pointy end of the board, but in college someone did a how-to iron demo in public speaking, and she suggested ironing the more square back of shirts on the other end of the board. There isn't any one "right" way to do this... however you get satisfactory results is just fine!! I find that most of the process of ironing is just figuring out how to hold things, hand smoothing, and keeping enough tension on the fabric, so that the iron doesn't roll the fabric over into a crease. Everything else, is just practice and experience.
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OK - my eyeliner question: does a brush help get a cleaner line than the pencils? Is there some trick to applying this? Are there some eye shapes where liner is just "too much"... or doesn't work... or worse, looks like clown makeup? I have what's called "hooded eyelids" - the upper portion between lid & brow overlaps the lid itself - so there's hardly room to even put shadow. I been thinkin' that just mascara & liner would be enough, since I don't wear any foundation - just tinted moisturizer & some blush - anyway.
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Phoenix-I never heard of there being such an eye where eye makeup looks bad. I'm confused at what you mean by an eyeliner brush? Are you talking about liquid eyeliner?
I'm also confused at the car post, but thanks. :) I don't need a car now, but it's good to know if I need to buy one again in the future. When it comes to used cars, how do you know you're not being sold a piece of junk? Do you buy the car and then have a mechanic look at it? Or do you get a mechanic to look at it before you buy the car? Can you even return the car if the mechanic finds something wrong with it?
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this one!
you get a mechanic to look at it before you buy the car
You also:
-- order a Carfax report on that vehicle (if from an individual...most dealers today will give you the Carfax if you ask)
--go to www.kellybluebook.com and enter all the info you have
--base your offer on that price.
Also, especially--read Consumer Reports' Used Cars to Buy and Used Cars to Avoid latest.
With all this info, you can make a solid choice.
Hops
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So, you ask the mechanic to come at the car dealership to look at the car? Wouldn't that be weird?
How likely are you able to make car monthly payments at 100 dollar or so? My cars have been a good $230 a month.
A long time ago, I tried to buy my own car because I was mad that the car I was driving was in my parents' name. My parents refused to take their name off of it and put it in mine (I was driving this car in a different state that they live in). The car salesman definitely thought I was naive and eager to get commission, but I didn't follow through on anything.
In the end, I finally got my parents' car in my name...which took MONTHS, but it finally happened.
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Yes, you tell a dealer you want to take it to an independent mechanic, and they let you take it off the lot for a few hours.
If you buy a dealer-certified used vehicle, though, the independent mechanic's check isn't as critical.
The best price is what you get from a private seller and in those cases it is critical to have a mechanic go over it carefully.
And then use that information, balanced with the KellyBlueBook value, to offer the price you'll pay.
In my case, I've been lucky. Two years ago I had to sell my nice newish car (it was used but lovely, an Accord) to pay the lawyer. i was in dire need of a cheap car. A friend had an aging but high-end minivan he offered, and I bought it from him at $1800. I've had no problems with it and have taken it on a few trips. It's silly (imagine long white=haired "soccer mom") but it's very comfortable.,
Financially, the very very best way to buy a car, especially if you have some time to plan for it, is to save very aggressively and buy it for cash. No car payment at all...
Hops
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Yes, you tell a dealer you want to take it to an independent mechanic, and they let you take it off the lot for a few hours.
If you buy a dealer-certified used vehicle, though, the independent mechanic's check isn't as critical.
The best price is what you get from a private seller and in those cases it is critical to have a mechanic go over it carefully.
And then use that information, balanced with the KellyBlueBook value, to offer the price you'll pay.
In my case, I've been lucky. Two years ago I had to sell my nice newish car (it was used but lovely, an Accord) to pay the lawyer. i was in dire need of a cheap car. A friend had an aging but high-end minivan he offered, and I bought it from him at $1800. I've had no problems with it and have taken it on a few trips. It's silly (imagine long white=haired "soccer mom") but it's very comfortable.,
Financially, the very very best way to buy a car, especially if you have some time to plan for it, is to save very aggressively and buy it for cash. No car payment at all...
Hops
How long have you had the car? I drive my cars a LOT from work to the city to see friends. Luckily, this car of mine is paid off now...but in the future, you never know.
Thanks a bunch of the information Hopalong. I think we learn much more when put ourselves out there and risk looking like we don't it all. The car salesman a few years ago even asked me "Are you sure you want to buy your own car? Your parents are paying for this one." ;)
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Hi NLS...
Well, you know how an eye socket is a concave depression in a face? From the brow, to the crease in the lid... and then it curves back out to the eye and the cheek below? Right at the crease in my eyelid.. there is a saggy bump that droops; it's most obvious at the outside of my eye. Looks like my upper lid is swollen or something. It sticks out rather than curves back in & then up to the brow. It's always been this way - it's not a product of aging. Not quite like a neanderthal forehead - it's just the flesh there - like my skull's eyesockets are too small to support that much flesh & skin.
Liquid eyeliner I haven't tried yet. I'm not overly confident that I can see what I'm doing well enough (this year I broke down and bought a magnifying mirror) nor that my hand won't shake & I'll end up poking myself in the eye. I don't know whether I should try to apply it with my eye open... or closed... or stretch it down a little with the other hand?? I used to be pretty good with a brush & linework... on a flat surface.
I was talking about applying powdered eyeliner with a brush; it gives a softer line I think? And then there are pencils... but the pencils are too hard to leave a mark on me; like the difference between a #2 pencil lead and a soft pastel or charcoal pencil.
It's funny; I feel like this isn't all that important! I really don't wear makeup that much - because I don't dress up that much. And it seems way silly to put makeup on to say... rake leaves or scrub floors. If I'm going out on the water or to the beach... why wear makeup? If I'm just running to the grocery store... or the post office... or playing with boys, with their boy-toys... makeup just doesn't "count" as being important.
On the other hand, I'm another 300 miles south... and I've been noticing that women here have DO have makeup on daily - even for doing chores. It's a cultural thing... and a women's social thing... that is foreign to me. I completely don't understand the women who can't be "seen" - even by husbands - without their "face" on. I'm trying to understand... I'm trying it all out to see if it fits me because I finally have time to practice - experiment - that I didn't have before. It's more for that stifled fashionista that got re-directed into other things at 13 and never had the chance to hang out with girlfriends, and make each other up. It's a side of me that got locked up and not indulged... because she was supposed to be "bad" for caring about things like that, according to the usual suspect.
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Hi NLAS...
I've had it for 2 years; it has 181,000 miles on it...it was very consistently maintained before
I got it and he gave me all the records.
I drive about 12 miles a day, average.
Highway mileage is less wear on a car than commuting or going around town, though.
Hops
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Phoenix--
About the eye makeup. You are probably about my age--40 or so, right?
First, you need a moisturizer whit sunscreen. The higher SPF the better. Put it on and let is settle in f r at least 10 minutes.
You want to start with a base like this one. Put it on your eyelid and pat it in with your pinkie finger. http://www.drugstore.com/search/search_results.asp?N=0&Ntx=mode%2Bmatchallpartial&Ntk=All&srchtree=5&Ntt=loreal+decrease&Go.x=0&Go.y=0
Then you will need a concealer like this one--light weight, liquid. It will come in a little tube, and the lid will screw off and there will be a long stem with a sponge on it, inside the tube. choose a color that is just barely lighter than your skin. No too much, or you will look like a reverse raccoon. Put it under your eyses and in that dark shadowy place between your eye and nose. Pat it in with your pinkie and blend carefully. http://www.drugstore.com/maybelline-fit-me-concealer-makeup-medium-25/qxp339106?catid=183547&fromsrch=consealor (http://www.drugstore.com/maybelline-fit-me-concealer-makeup-medium-25/qxp339106?catid=183547&fromsrch=consealor)
Then Put your powder on.
For eye shadow, the name if the game is to bring light into you eyes. Start with a simple pre-mixed color pallate, like this one: http://www.drugstore.com/physicians-formula-eyebrightener-multi-colored-eyelighter-hint-of-berries-2770/qxp198590?catid=183538&fromsrch=physicain+formula+mineral+eye+shadow. (http://www.drugstore.com/physicians-formula-eyebrightener-multi-colored-eyelighter-hint-of-berries-2770/qxp198590?catid=183538&fromsrch=physicain+formula+mineral+eye+shadow.)
Throw out the stupid little brush they give you and get one that is about 1/2 inch wide, round, with a dome-shaped tip. You can get one at the art supply store, or try this: http://www.drugstore.com/covergirl-make-up-masters-eyeshadow-brush/qxp18968?catid=183638&fromsrch=eye+shadow+brush (http://www.drugstore.com/covergirl-make-up-masters-eyeshadow-brush/qxp18968?catid=183638&fromsrch=eye+shadow+brush).
Load up the brush with eye shadow and then hold it with the bristles pointing up, and dab it over the lid and brow bone area, working form the outside corners to the inside. You want to get just some subtle shading that is darker on the outside corners. When you get used to the one color, you can add a highlight and a contour.
Now abut that eyeliner: Whether you choose a liquid, a pencil, or some other form depends on the look you want. I like to use a liquid because it gives a very definite line, and you can make it very fine or build it up very wide, depending on your taste. This picture is one where I used the technique I am explaining now, with a bronze shadow and a heavy liquid line http://photos.modelmayhem.com/photos/110915/14/4e726e74d7735.jpg (http://photos.modelmayhem.com/photos/110915/14/4e726e74d7735.jpg)
Pencil is easier to use, but you have to invest in a good one. The cheap ones are too hard. Loreal is a good brand. Some pencils are self-sahrpening and osme are wood, which you have to sharpen. If you get the wood one, also get a sharpener. You can adjust whether you get a fine line or a thicker one by how wide you keep your tip. You can also choose to put liner on just your top lid, or on both.
To put the liner on, look straight at the mirror. Tilt your head back and close your eye about half way. (Think Maralyn Monroe). Then pull slightly on the corner of the lid, until all the little creases are out. Apply the liner from the inside corner to the outside. Get it as close to the lash line as you can. If you want to put a little under the lower lashes, start at the outside and work in. In this picture, I used a grey pencil on the top lids and very lightly on the lower ones, from the outside corner to about halfway in. If you look closely, you can see where it stops. http://photos.modelmayhem.com/photos/110915/14/4e726c745e2c7.jpg (http://photos.modelmayhem.com/photos/110915/14/4e726c745e2c7.jpg)
Now for the final step-mascara! you have to have it, or your eyes will not stand out. There are about a million different choices, but for startes you can choose something sort of relaxed and natural. Because our lashes tend to grow shorter as we get older, a lightening mascara is a good choice. This one claims its safe for contact lens wearers. http://www.drugstore.com/loreal-bare-naturale-lengthening-mascara-black-800/qxp195611?catid=183541&fromsrch=loreal+mascara. I like loreal mascaras and liners. The only ones I like better are Avon.
So there you have a basic eyes lesson. If your brows are light, you may want to add some pencil or my favorite trick, brown shadow applied with a slant brush. Otherwise, add some lipstick or gloss and some blush if you want, and you are done.
With practice, you should be able to put this on in 10 minutes.
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This may sound dumb but it created a LOT of problems when I was old enough to start noticing stuff......sex education. Her Royal Queen !@#$ness REFUSED to discuss ANYTHING. She handed me one of my late father's anthropology books and told me to read THAT! I was no older than about eight years of age and MUCH of the scientific vocabulary in that textbook was WA-A-A-Y over my head! When I asked what this word meant or that word meant, I was simply told to SHUT UP AND READ or called "RETARD" because I was struggling to understand a textbook that was originally written for professional anthropologists! As a result, the "sex education" I got instead was at the hands of her pedophile boyfriend who even had the NERVE to pull some crap IN FRONT OF HER!! All she did was laugh and egg him on, basically giving him permission to do whatever he wanted. She never told me that I had a right to say NO as a very young child while I was being touched inappropriately. In fact, I was beaten on for resisting and continuing to resist until I was old enough to call the cops on my own! As far as she was concerned, I was nothing but HER PROPERTY to be USED for her self-gratification!
Hell of a way to get educated!
Bones
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Ha-Ha.... Erin... I WISH I was 40-ish!! Try 55. However... for whatever reason, both hubs & I look youngish for our age. In my case, I'm tall enough to carry my middle-age spread reasonably well (tho I want it gone) and the freckles just automatically remind people of a mischievious little kid.
After I replied to NLS, I experimented with liquid liner (once) and tried to take a better look at my eye lid shape. It's not as easy as it sounds to get a thin line! (even though one of things I was really good at as an artist was linework...) I only heard the "hooded eyelid" description last year, when I went to a new eye doctor for glasses. So... artists study anatomy in about as much detail as medical students. The detail I omitted in my last description is that my upper eyelid bulges & droops - so much so that in the center of my eye, the lower lid - below the crease - is covered up. My eyes weren't always this way; when I look at pictures of myself pre-trauma, the eye structure was normal... this showed up after the trauma... for whatever reason. Maybe it would have as I got older anyway and the trauma was irrelevant; so that's beside the point.
So part of the reason liner doesn't "look right" to me is that it's not a continuous line; it's interrupted by this upper eyelid. I think I'm going to have to try some trompe l'oeill - faking it - or something. Thanks for all your links!! I need all the references I can get while I think about this. I never heard of lightening mascasa - it goes on dark at the root & gets lighter at the end of the lashes? Hmm... that by itself might give me the emphasis I need at the edge of my beady little, deep set eyes. Since coloring my hair, I've lost some of the sharp contrast on my face - not a bad thing, really; I look "softer" than before. But my eyes really get lost behind glasses, which I guess is why I'm obsessing on this. That and I'm really kinda excited about having the time & permission (self) to play with "girly" things again! Thanks a LOT Erin!
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I meant lengtheningmascara--to make your lashes longer!
Maybe you should skip the liner entirely and just use mascara, which will not be interrupted like liner would. You might also try to get a little depth on the outer 1/3 of the lid, by using 2 shadows--pink and rose, gold and bronze, etc. Put the lighter one on all over then use a smaller brush (flat, 1/2 inch wide, with a rounded edge) to put the darker one on the outer 1/3 of the lid. You can put an extra cost on the outer corner of your lashes too, to emphasize the outer corner of the eye.
Also, if you are lacking definition in your face, try using some eyebrow pencil. Get one that is just a little darker than your hair, and apply it in little sketch-lines from the inside of the brow out.
I should have told you, as an artist you know brushes are everything. I use artists brushes. The ones I like best have a clear handle and a little white rubber thing to grip them with, and white bristles. They are very common--you know the kind. If you want, I can tell you the exact size and shape of all of them. They are FAR better than most makeup brushes you can buy at the drugstore and also less expensive and easier to manage.
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Ladies, I've enjoyed reading the make up tips!
I hope you can access this link: http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/nov/18/sali-hughes-red-lipstick?newsfeed=true
I spent a happy 15 minutes the other day watching the video in this article all about how to wear red lipstick. What a treat.
Guess what's on my shopping list... :D
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Auto Insurance - USAA Insurance https://www.usaa.com/inet/pages/insurance_main_page?adid=icgsch39892842
tt
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Mop the floor:
Well I'm too lazy to make a big stink about my communal floor cleaning duties. I sweep it. I don't mop it but I see other people sweep first and then mop and that looks like it does a pretty darn good job. Do you sweep first?
I think damn that floor is clean what is the secret? Maybe some women have some special kung-fu ability to magnetize the dirt through sheer will and make it attach itself onto the cleaning implement.
Paint particles of martial art masters sumi drawings are molecularly alligned all in the same way opposed to non-martial art masters molecules are not aligned when looked at under a microscope. It might just be possible that some women's cleaning skills are at the level of a martial art masters skills and the dirt literally lines up to connect positive dirt molecule with the negative end of the mop molecules.
My cleaning kung-fu is not that strong personally.
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This may sound dumb but it created a LOT of problems when I was old enough to start noticing stuff......sex education.
.....Hell of a way to get educated!
Bones
Well sex education in school mostly scared the piss out of me. I wish that in addition to the scare-them-straight style sex ed that was in school...my family would have said anything pleasant at all about having significant others and relationships or something.
I do the same thing with ironing-- (don't do it) I pick out clothes that don't need to be ironed.
I don't know why BUT I LOVE THIS THREAD AND JUST ABOUT EVERY thing you guys have written is making me smile.
The way you all are describing the shape of your eyelids to each other. It's like a bunch of girlfriends. :)
What about cooking with salad dressing??? I don't get it. I see some people put salad dressing on steak or put it on shrimp but it always freaked me out. How do you know what kind of salad dressing to cook with what meat combo?????
Wait never mind the salad dressing. I have always been really shy and not very good at flirting.
So um...what is your flirting advice? When I was younger guys seem to think I am a tease or hard to get, because mostly I would avoid. Now I am older and still am not confident at all. Often I just get mainly petrified when flirted with. I usually put a blank expression on my face and wait for them to go away regardless of if I think they are attractive or not...because I feel like it takes me about ten hours to figure out what is going on. I just don't seem to get it until after the fact that there is a flirtation. After the first 10 hours of realizing I have been flirted with it takes me another 10-24 hours to decide what I even think about it. Flirting is often overwhelming to me. Unless it is like a neighbor that I see all the time that I'm not attracted to, then I can banter something back to them. I don't know. Flirting sometimes is like this public spectacle and I feel like I'm in a circus act so I don't take it seriously it is like a passing anomaly of life.
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Bones & Boat...
THANKS for your comments on this. It's not just me, then, that's all tangled up in what I think, how I feel... etc crap. I've wanted to open up some on this topic for awhile... but still hesitating... feeling like a two-headed circus side-show freak about this topic. Yeah, me... Ms. Know-it-All...
Mama never told us that sex and flirting and being close to someone, was supposed to FEEL GOOD and be FUN. Add to that the risk and danger of trusting someone new, and even someone you know well (I'm thinking my hubs of 11 years now) and fold in some whipped-up to merangue freak-out thought-feeling patterns of enmeshed mamas... boundary confusioned parents of either gender who were possessive, controlling, tried to make us think we were "just like them"... or bad for being ourselves.... and god forbid, we dared to have our own feelings; and be accepted by someone OTHER than the queen-goddess-bitch herself (who, I'm 100% sure has a genuine HATE for men)...
... and seriously, it's no wonder I'm a ball of clustered - tangled - knotted, anxious about the whole thing, crazy lady. My hubs doesn't understand; and I can't find a way to talk to him about it - and that sucks, because we can talk about everything and anything. I haven't "scared him off"... or even pissed him off... he's stuck to me like glue... and that's deeply unsettling because of how my mom treated me. Rationally I understand: he's not her... despite a few things that he is that remind me of her. It just pushes some button that I haven't located & disabled yet, when it comes to him.
Maybe... just maybe... the underlying "issue" goes beyond the sex-topic. Maybe it's "play" itself... feeling good... deserving of and allowing oneself to have fun... feel good without the fear of something "bad" happening as a consequence of it. I think boundaries are big part of the fear... why we pull back, withdraw, "stop", or shutdown & avoid. Trust, too. I think the abject "failure" of the mother-child relationship stands like some monument warning us, warning our unconscious anxiety & terror about that ONE relationship that failed... that "it could happen again".
NOTE that this is what I see in myself; don't know 'bout y'all... but I have been trying to untangle this cluster for awhile now. Too long, really.
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Boat! It is cleaning kung-fu! One centers, drops the chi, and utilizes all the senses (quieting the mind) and then - just do.
Yes, sweep then mop. And... I will even vacumn/sweep again after mopping, which will sometimes loosen bits of gunk from the floor. But that's way anal... and pointless - because it a.) never gets "perfect" and b.) gets dirty within 5 minutes again anyway. I have had to teach myself to use different levels/definitions of "clean", otherwise I'd never do anything else: there's the "I'm in a hurry, take care of the top-layer only, and declutter" clean. Like when someone calls and plans to drop in unexpectedly in 15 minutes, and I haven't gotten out of my pajamas yet.
Salad dressing is used like a marinade; some labels even mention that. The idea is that citrusy, or acidic juices help tenderize the meat. Some combinations are pretty common: lemon pepper or lemon & herb for chicken... soy, sesame, ginger - chicken or pork... apple cider and pork... the easy tip I just saw: use a gal baggie and add meat & marinade, put a plate under & refrigerate - some things are OK overnight; some just take an hour or so. Fish I think is shorter time frame. You shouldn't reuse the marinade; toss instead - because of the cross-contamination risk of raw meat. Oh yeah - I think I just saw a recipe for a bruschetta that uses salad dressing, too... or something else...
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Thanks, Boat.
I never could figure out the flirting stuff. Most likely because of my Aspergers. I tend to ask off-the-wall questions when I find myself dealing with unfamiliar territory so I just gave up on that department. Now if you ask me about my favorite topics i.e. Star Trek or genealogy, I'll keep talking until people's eyes glaze over long before I realize I've done another faux pas. (If you've ever watched "BONES" or "The Big Bang Theory", you'll see some of my many quirks there.)
As for salad dressing in cooking, I tend to experiment with different flavor combinations, out of curiosity, just to see what would happen. Sometimes it tastes good and sometimes it's YUCK! Oh well.....
Bones
========================================================================================================
This may sound dumb but it created a LOT of problems when I was old enough to start noticing stuff......sex education.
.....Hell of a way to get educated!
Bones
Well sex education in school mostly scared the piss out of me. I wish that in addition to the scare-them-straight style sex ed that was in school...my family would have said anything pleasant at all about having significant others and relationships or something.
I do the same thing with ironing-- (don't do it) I pick out clothes that don't need to be ironed.
I don't know why BUT I LOVE THIS THREAD AND JUST ABOUT EVERY thing you guys have written is making me smile.
The way you all are describing the shape of your eyelids to each other. It's like a bunch of girlfriends. :)
What about cooking with salad dressing??? I don't get it. I see some people put salad dressing on steak or put it on shrimp but it always freaked me out. How do you know what kind of salad dressing to cook with what meat combo?????
Wait never mind the salad dressing. I have always been really shy and not very good at flirting.
So um...what is your flirting advice? When I was younger guys seem to think I am a tease or hard to get, because mostly I would avoid. Now I am older and still am not confident at all. Often I just get mainly petrified when flirted with. I usually put a blank expression on my face and wait for them to go away regardless of if I think they are attractive or not...because I feel like it takes me about ten hours to figure out what is going on. I just don't seem to get it until after the fact that there is a flirtation. After the first 10 hours of realizing I have been flirted with it takes me another 10-24 hours to decide what I even think about it. Flirting is often overwhelming to me. Unless it is like a neighbor that I see all the time that I'm not attracted to, then I can banter something back to them. I don't know. Flirting sometimes is like this public spectacle and I feel like I'm in a circus act so I don't take it seriously it is like a passing anomaly of life.
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Bones & Boat...
THANKS for your comments on this. It's not just me, then, that's all tangled up in what I think, how I feel... etc crap. I've wanted to open up some on this topic for awhile... but still hesitating... feeling like a two-headed circus side-show freak about this topic. Yeah, me... Ms. Know-it-All...
Mama never told us that sex and flirting and being close to someone, was supposed to FEEL GOOD and be FUN.
... and seriously, it's no wonder I'm a ball of clustered - tangled - knotted, anxious about the whole thing, crazy lady. My hubs what I see in myself; don't know 'bout y'all... but I have been trying to untangle this cluster for awhile now. Too long, really.
Hey Phoenix,
.....SAVE..(bouncing screen thing)
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Hey...Phoenix: No, it's not just you, seems that it is at least both true for me and Bones also so that is at least three of us. Aspergers would make it even more confusing in Bones case..
I'm a little surprised that this comes up for you Phoenix, for some reason I would think that being married really difuses this stuff especially since he has stayed around.
What is this circus show thing for you? I mean does intimacy or romance or even love or whatever..put us into these hazes of psychological tornado storms? That's what it feels and sounds like to me. Really with all of the problems that we collectively have on this board maybe the significant other etc. is the event that causes the perfect storm in our own beings? Now that I am writing this out and reading what you have written it's becoming a little more clear to me how much emotional chaos there is around this area.
For me it is all of a sudden there is attention on me and sometimes it's like a strange overwhelming attention like I am all of a sudden so self aware..and I think it's also the feeling of being unlovable. Then also maybe not having the great interpersonal skills to play or flirt back. I think that is the combo for me and shame also. I feel shame when people flirt with me I think. But also since it doesn't happen that often or it's not a way of life for me I am also stunned by it. It's not really suppose to be that hard, for some people it is just a simple uncomplicated thing I think. I guess in someways like you when you say "untangle" I think I do have a desire for some life experiences to be more smooth, there is a need for ease in there somewhere so that little things are not these like psychodrama events. Really I am always slightly hiding in my mind...and when someone starts to flirt metaphorically it's like being a fish under a beach rock that has just been turned over...there is like an uncomfortable feeling of being seen and wanting to emotionally hide maybe. I'm not really totally sure. For me there is also a lot of fear because I have confusion over what version of MY SELF are they seeing. I feel like I have good versions and bad versions of SELF and I have anxiety that the person is going to see this bad version of SELF.
Have you ever noticed that some mothers basically flirt a lot with their children. I don't mean in a sexual wrong way or anything. I'm thinking of an old friend who just absolutely adored children and the best way I could describe the way she interacted with them was flirtation?
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I never could figure out the flirting stuff. Most likely because of my Aspergers. I tend to ask off-the-wall questions when I find myself dealing with unfamiliar territory so I just gave up on that department. Now if you ask me about my favorite topics i.e. Star Trek or genealogy, I'll keep talking until people's eyes glaze over long before I realize I've done another faux pas. (If you've ever watched "BONES" or "The Big Bang Theory", you'll see some of my many quirks there.)
Bones
So you ask off the wall questions as an attempt to flirt? For example?
(That is better then me, I keep my mouth shut and usually don't say anything and stare at them with an incredulous look)
Do you think that asking the right questions is important in flirting? Some people can just flirt from across a room. I have a nephew who is a total flirt, isn't it funny how some little kids are flirty and it is a totally innocent thing? It makes me wonder what exactly flirting is. If it's something that children do then I don't think it has to be like this highly sexualized thing, I think maybe like Phoenix pointed out maybe it is more a qualty of playfulness.
I once was on a road trip with someone who had Aspergers, he was super smart working on finishing his PhD in Physics. I never picked up on his Aspergers but other people around him did seem to notice and were not sure what to think about him.
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Well my measure of how clean the floor (linoleum) should be after finishing mopping (a string mop) was that it should be clean enough to dry the dishes with once you're finished mopping. If not, start over. I never used the mop to dry the dishes, bult the goal was that it end up being clean enough that one could.
I have a different house now and I can never reach that goal. I get it as clean as I can using my old method (two to three tiny drops of dish detergent to a pail of water), but the mop couldn't be used to dry the dishes afterwards. This house has different dirt around it, more ways for dirt to get into it, plus my husband must wear his shoes in and out the house because of medical problem with right leg. So I've learned to redefine what constitutes clean. I mop and rinse, mop and rinse then take the head off my mop and put it through the washer. That makes it clean enough to dry the dishes but the minute I mop the floor the dream is lost. Flexible - we must be flexible.
tt
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The other thing about flirting is that I NEVER initiate it EVER. It never occurs to me to actually PICK someone out and then flirt with them. Sort of bugs me in a weird way that other people are okay with picking me to flirt with because sometimes I really don't want to be flirted with by some people--but I feel like I can't initiate a flirt myself. It's a pretty passive role to not pick the person you will flirt with. Often the men that do flirt with me are older then I approve of but not always. I had a paramedic flirt with me a while ago and it was in a grocery store, I was dressed sort of nice because I was going to a volunteer thing and it's an excuse to get a little dolled up. I sort of guess that if someone flirts with me it should be a little more secret and clandestine. In a grocery store I feel like looking around and seeing what other people around me think and that is exactly what is going though my head...."What are bystanders thinking" My psyche expects that there is a disapproving bystander that says "You can't do that"....Or maybe that is the part of me that controls and monitors everything.
So I guess on top of the above feeling of shame etc. I also feel like I am being judged. But maybe that doesnt really exist. Maybe I am not being judged in the way that I imagine I am. I don't know.
I feel like I am not allowed to.
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I never could figure out the flirting stuff. Most likely because of my Aspergers. I tend to ask off-the-wall questions when I find myself dealing with unfamiliar territory so I just gave up on that department. Now if you ask me about my favorite topics i.e. Star Trek or genealogy, I'll keep talking until people's eyes glaze over long before I realize I've done another faux pas. (If you've ever watched "BONES" or "The Big Bang Theory", you'll see some of my many quirks there.)
Bones
So you ask off the wall questions as an attempt to flirt? For example?
(That is better then me, I keep my mouth shut and usually don't say anything and stare at them with an incredulous look)
Do you think that asking the right questions is important in flirting? Some people can just flirt from across a room. I have a nephew who is a total flirt, isn't it funny how some little kids are flirty and it is a totally innocent thing? It makes me wonder what exactly flirting is. If it's something that children do then I don't think it has to be like this highly sexualized thing, I think maybe like Phoenix pointed out maybe it is more a qualty of playfulness.
I once was on a road trip with someone who had Aspergers, he was super smart working on finishing his PhD in Physics. I never picked up on his Aspergers but other people around him did seem to notice and were not sure what to think about him.
Thanks, Boat.
The questions I tend to ask aren't considered flirty. One time, a guy tried some pick-up line on me, (can't remember exactly what he said), and I got confused. I simply blurted, "Why are you asking me? There are better looking women than me around here!" I just didn't understand what he was trying to do. :? (I didn't know about Aspergers back then.)
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Bones & Boat...
THANKS for your comments on this. It's not just me, then, that's all tangled up in what I think, how I feel... etc crap. I've wanted to open up some on this topic for awhile... but still hesitating... feeling like a two-headed circus side-show freak about this topic. Yeah, me... Ms. Know-it-All...
Mama never told us that sex and flirting and being close to someone, was supposed to FEEL GOOD and be FUN. Add to that the risk and danger of trusting someone new, and even someone you know well (I'm thinking my hubs of 11 years now) and fold in some whipped-up to merangue freak-out thought-feeling patterns of enmeshed mamas... boundary confusioned parents of either gender who were possessive, controlling, tried to make us think we were "just like them"... or bad for being ourselves.... and god forbid, we dared to have our own feelings; and be accepted by someone OTHER than the queen-goddess-bitch herself (who, I'm 100% sure has a genuine HATE for men)...
... and seriously, it's no wonder I'm a ball of clustered - tangled - knotted, anxious about the whole thing, crazy lady. My hubs doesn't understand; and I can't find a way to talk to him about it - and that sucks, because we can talk about everything and anything. I haven't "scared him off"... or even pissed him off... he's stuck to me like glue... and that's deeply unsettling because of how my mom treated me. Rationally I understand: he's not her... despite a few things that he is that remind me of her. It just pushes some button that I haven't located & disabled yet, when it comes to him.
Maybe... just maybe... the underlying "issue" goes beyond the sex-topic. Maybe it's "play" itself... feeling good... deserving of and allowing oneself to have fun... feel good without the fear of something "bad" happening as a consequence of it. I think boundaries are big part of the fear... why we pull back, withdraw, "stop", or shutdown & avoid. Trust, too. I think the abject "failure" of the mother-child relationship stands like some monument warning us, warning our unconscious anxiety & terror about that ONE relationship that failed... that "it could happen again".
NOTE that this is what I see in myself; don't know 'bout y'all... but I have been trying to untangle this cluster for awhile now. Too long, really.
Thanks, P.R.
Trying to figure stuff out on my own, with a differently-wired brain, is VERY confusing!
Bones
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How about this: "Just stick your butt out and blow kisses to everyone"
I was looking on youtube for some sort of psychological study on flirting and body language etc.
I look up flirting and the results that come up are talking sexy, how to strip and how to fake sex. To me that isn't really flirting is it?
All seems rather contrived.
Just wondering.
I mean socially we went from reciting poetry and writing letters...to strip-aerobics at the local gym. I guess I'm sort of tired of the hyper erotic.
Does anyone else feel like your average woman is constantly auditioning for a porn job? Even at work...in front of the male boss.
When I think about this stuff it doesn't seem fun or playful to me, it seems like competitive porn auditions...
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I had a bunch of ceramic floor tiles left over....Wow makes some really great hot plates.
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I'm sort of tired of the hyper erotic.
Oh me too, Boat, me too.
This culture's craziness in a nutshell...
Hops
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I had a bunch of ceramic floor tiles left over....Wow makes some really great hot plates.
Deb, I use tiles that way too. I put little 'feet' on the corners with my glue gun. It lifts them off the counter top and keeps them from slipping. The glue needs to cure for a day or so before using.
tt
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TT,
I never thought of adding on feet. Thanks!! That would also work with putting my plants on them (stand). Another thing I had done was to buy material (cheap) from walmart in really pretty designs I took two (long strips) and drapped them from one end of ceiling to other over my dining room table. Ceiling decor. I had many compliments. It's so easy. All I did was (pin) the ends in the corner of ceililng and let it drape (a bit). You can also use the same material to make (quick) chair cover to match. That I use the hot glue to fold (seams). I think it cost me 20$ at the most for everything.
Deb
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https://www.google.com/#sclient=psy-ab&hl=en&source=hp&q=how+to+cover+an+old+lampshade&pbx=1&oq=how+to+cover+an+old+lampshade&aq=f&aqi=g1&aql=&gs_sm=e&gs_upl=1879l7525l0l7930l31l20l1l9l10l4l440l3961l0.13.6.0.1l29l0&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.,cf.osb&fp=a805222ab1a5b016&biw=1050&bih=560 (https://www.google.com/#sclient=psy-ab&hl=en&source=hp&q=how+to+cover+an+old+lampshade&pbx=1&oq=how+to+cover+an+old+lampshade&aq=f&aqi=g1&aql=&gs_sm=e&gs_upl=1879l7525l0l7930l31l20l1l9l10l4l440l3961l0.13.6.0.1l29l0&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.,cf.osb&fp=a805222ab1a5b016&biw=1050&bih=560)
dunno if any of these cover flame retardancy, but one mentions a sheet of polypropelene as a base for the fabric...
xo
Hops
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Boat, the cleaning kung-foo is the perfect explanation--Guess I just dont have it! :lol: And PR (I think it was you) I will definitely start vacuuming after I mop--Thanks for permission to do that. I thought there was a rule that the mop had to get all the dirt by itself.
Now flirting. . . there is a great book called Superflirt by Tracy Cox. It was recommended to me my another exotic dancer, and a whole bunch of us on a message board read it and had good results. You can also try this woman's web site http://www.lowndes.com/howtotalk3.php (http://www.lowndes.com/howtotalk3.php).
I cant find who wrote about flirting at the grocery store, but its important to remember, most people are not looking at you. They have their heads too far in the clouds worrying about their own business to go minding yours.
Flirting is a skill you can learn. It involves reading body language and using body language, more than words, to respond. the neat thing about it is, while you are learning, nobody will notice if you get it wrong. When I started dancing, I had no idea about how to flirt. I had to learn everything. Now it is second nature.
Here is an easy technique called "Mirroring and matching." Pretend you are a mirror of the person you are flirting with. Every time he makes a large movement, wait three seconds and make a similar movement. For example, he takes a sip of his drink, count 1...2...3...sip your drink. He scratched his ear ...1..2...3...push some hair behind you ear. You can do this for quite a log time. When you feel like you are getting into a rhythem, you cAN
reverse the process. Sip your drink (or whatever) first, and see if he follows you.
How this works, it establishes a sort of sympathy between two people. It puts you in a space of having something in common and creates a friendly atmosphere in which you can then get into a good conversation.
Another easy thing to do is, make lots of skin and eye contact. When you shake hands with somebody, hold on a second or two longer than necessary, make eye contact, and smile. When sitting in conversation, touch his hand or arm (Skin, not his sleeve) gently when making a point. REst your chin lightly on your hand, open your eyes wide, look in his eyes, and nod in agreement with things he says. You will give him the impression you are truly fascinated.
Remember, flirting is just flirting. Its just for fun. It doesn't mean anything. You can have fun flirting with someone and never have to see him again. It certainly doesnt mean you are going to end up in bed with him (which is what I used to think.)
Also, flirting does not mean being stupidly hyper-slutty. Good flirting (IMO) is very subtle. When you find your own style, you will naturally find other people who match your style. Men who like that slutty-erotic style will not be interested in your subtle flirtations, and will look elsewhere. Men who like a classier type of woman will be turned off by the over-the-top nastiness.
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HOO boy.
This really makes me sound like a concert organ, in terms of my inner-feminazi button pushing.
But I defer to those who are experienced in the art!
This topic was on a TV show I saw yesterday...people were demonstrating a look and a type of walk that would help one flirt in the grocery store.
I've always wished I could simply say, "You seem like a nice person. If you're single, would you like to have coffee?"
I lack the courage.
Hops
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Hops, I too like that direct approach - and since I tend to form (real) friendships with men (not just romantic relationships) I've found guys sorta like this. They too can be confused about this stuff! Like Erin says - it doesn't mean anything other than what it means... let's have coffee and chat.
Where things get dicey, though... is when flirting or simple friendly gestures are misunderstood as an invitation to a whole lot more than that. You know how I say: trust in god but tie your camel?
Maybe "be willing to ask, but here are my boundaries" would work here?
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What makes someone mature? :? I had a few men on another online forum tell me I'm immature and how I need to grow up and suck it up.
I shouldn't have gone back on those lousy forums, but I did.
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What makes someone mature? :? I had a few men on another online forum tell me I'm immature and how I need to grow up and suck it up.
I shouldn't have gone back on those lousy forums, but I did.
Probably would be good to put this question into context by giving a specific example of what you said that the men were responding to when they made that statement. But you know, it's the internet there are a whole lot of people out there just because someone says something doesnt make it true right?
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What makes someone mature? :? I had a few men on another online forum tell me I'm immature and how I need to grow up and suck it up.
I shouldn't have gone back on those lousy forums, but I did.
Probably would be good to put this question into context by giving a specific example of what you said that the men were responding to when they made that statement. But you know, it's the internet there are a whole lot of people out there just because someone says something doesnt make it true right?
They thought it was immature of me to get offended at a comment that a friend made. She made a comment about my weight while knowing about my trauma history and body image issues. I was contemplating over whether a real friend would do this, and they said I was immature.
Most women I've talked to agree that weight is usually off-limits and nobody's business to comment.
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What makes someone mature? :? I had a few men on another online forum tell me I'm immature and how I need to grow up and suck it up.
I shouldn't have gone back on those lousy forums, but I did.
Probably would be good to put this question into context by giving a specific example of what you said that the men were responding to when they made that statement. But you know, it's the internet there are a whole lot of people out there just because someone says something doesnt make it true right?
They thought it was immature of me to get offended at a comment that a friend made. She made a comment about my weight while knowing about my trauma history and body image issues. I was contemplating over whether a real friend would do this, and they said I was immature.
Most women I've talked to agree that weight is usually off-limits and nobody's business to comment.
For someone to accuse you of "being immature" after such an OFFENSIVE comment was made by a so-called "friend", (and I'm using the term "friend" loosely), to me it feels like an N attempt at gas-lighting. I tend to look at N-patterns now. They say/do something that is offensive/abusive, to you, mentally/physically/emotionally/psychologically/etc. then attempt to flip the blame on you because you DARED to set a boundary! Does my concept make sense?
Bones
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Bones, my feelings exactly. There's no use obviously arguing with people online, but these men came off as having no clear concept of boundaries. What's telling about a person is when they say "Suck it up and act like an adult."
Sorry buddy, but sucking it up is why people get health problems, pent-up anger, relationship problems, insomnia, etc. Expressing your feelings, including your negative experiences,
In any case, my friend on fb e-mailed me back and said I looked fine. I explained to her why I was obsessing over her comment. I don't think she meant anything bad. People can be impulsive with their statements. I've done it before too.
I guess what would be more telling is how your "friend" on fb would respond to your latest comment. Let's wait and see.......
Bones
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Bones, my feelings exactly. There's no use obviously arguing with people online, but these men came off as having no clear concept of boundaries. What's telling about a person is when they say "Suck it up and act like an adult."
Sorry buddy, but sucking it up is why people get health problems, pent-up anger, relationship problems, insomnia, etc. Expressing your feelings, including your negative experiences,
In any case, my friend on fb e-mailed me back and said I looked fine. I explained to her why I was obsessing over her comment. I don't think she meant anything bad. People can be impulsive with their statements. I've done it before too.
I guess what would be more telling is how your "friend" on fb would respond to your latest comment. Let's wait and see.......
Bones
Sorry Bones, but I meant that she said "You look fine" in response to my e-mail.
I'm sure there are women that don't mind those comments, but we all have a right to our own personal boundaries. My therapist did give me useful advice to not talk about my weight with others, which can invite unwanted comments. If I don't want people talking about my weight, I shouldn't either.
I'm saying so here because I trust this forum.
Okay, I understand better now.
Bones
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Tough one, because recognizing when you ARE a victim is, I believe, Step #1 in the awakening that can help one start to be one's own advocate and not accept abuse any more.
But maybe it's when the awakening never leads to getting out of bed.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-human-experience/200909/dont-play-the-victim-game (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-human-experience/200909/dont-play-the-victim-game)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victim_playing (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victim_playing)
Hops
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NLS - a couple thoughts that might apply -
1.) Some men are totally freaked out by strong, outspoken women; they'll either run away or think they can "conquer" you... and one way they'll attempt this is verbally - with their "observations" of you. In the online environment, especially, I wouldn't credit much insight or validity to these kinds of statements. They don't know; they weren't there; they don't know you IRL. Don't mistake their comments for "authoritative" or "expert" opinions. Feedback's great, when it comes from someone who knows you well. Not so, from the average passer-by...
2.) Hey - for all you know - they have their own issues and are just trying to stick it on you, instead!! Emotional abuse is more pervasive in society than anyone can statistically measure... if your outspokenness about your experiences made them feel uncomfortable... some people will try to turn it around on you, so they can continue believing it didn't happen to (or was engaged in by) themselves.
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playing the victim to justify their abusive actions.
That sounds about right to me. I think people who quote-unquote "play the victim" dredge up their past misfortunes/traumas any time they need an easy excuse, something that will keep them from being held accountable for their actions. (My NM is great at "playing the victim." She melts into a weepy mess and/or trots out her Dickensian childhood in the very rare moments when people see through her and try to call her bluff.)
Are we playing victim?
I think it's safe to say everyone on this forum is mining their past in an effort to change, heal, be better/happier/more mature/more productive people. And that's about the farthest thing there is from "playing the victim." It's the real deal. It's growth.
lots of love, Kay
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OK - new question!
I have just now realized that I don't have any kind of internal "scheduling" clock... you know the kind where a parent teaches you to wake up, do x, y, and z... as part of your care... which later becomes self-care? When I was working there was the external schedule imposed by my job... and I didn't have to think about it. If I needed time for myself... it was carved out before or after work... regardless of hubs' being "lonely" or hungry or whatever.
So now. This early retiree has luxuriated in being able to spend hours here babbling my nonsense, in the morning... coffee... jammies... and this week one day I realize I came up for air from the computer and it was NOON. I'm usually half-way conscious by 7 at least. We've been eating when we're hungry... or I've been letting hubs "drive" the schedule... and I fill in the space in-between with whatever I feel like.
What I need to know - because there's only so many hours in a day - is what's kinda "normal" for...
how long from the time you open your eyes... until your brain kicks into gear and getting on with your morning? (tt... you're excused! ;) )
how long is it till you - if you do - eat breakfast?
How long till you dress?
Do you walk in the morning? If so, does that mean you get up earlier? how much earlier? Before or after breakfast? What about exercising in the pm? Does that conflict with social life?
Do you eat at specified times of the day - or within an hour of that time - each day... or does that vary?
Do you eat just whatever is handy? or do you plan meals for the week... or at least a few days?
What do you do about the inevitable "monkey wrenches" that life throws into your schedule?
I'm kinda feeling like I have to re-invent the wheel of "how to live" here... because without external schedules and that obligation and commitment... I'm starting to be a bit "floaty"... not really grounded. I knew I really NEEDED that kind of freedom for awhile; I've had it in the past... and these questions simply didn't come up... because I used the time journalling, healing, adjusting to the major life changes I was going through... and busting my butt like a longshoreman, to move... along with being project manager, foreman, and critter wrangler.
Anyway, I realized I don't have clue one what's "normal"... if one's schedule isn't determined by kids, schools, work... or even if "normal" doesn't apply.
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Really?
Everybody just works these things out according to their schedule and their needs. Blood sugar, metabolism, sleep cycles...and whatcha want to do before you croak.
I think some of us get going before our brains kick in because we must.
What do you want to do with your retirement time?
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I think that would be too painful to analyse at the moment , for me...
retirement looks to be at least 14 years away and I'm so tired.
Hops
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I don't know Star.
I have run a lot of possibilities through my head - I could get up, have my coffee, exercise for 3 hours if I wanted to. I could eat a yogurt and go walk 3 miles. I could join a gym. I could start working on all the things on that eternal to-do list, that just get more stuff added on it. I CAN do anything I WANT to do... except... my mindset and how I feel every morning, is that I can't.
So I don't. I come here and try to be useful, or funny or connect with people instead. Hubs doesn't mess with my "morning time"; he got used to that when I was journaling during therapy.
I don't even know for sure what it is my body needs in the way of morning routine. A pot of coffee and free rein on cigarettes while doing nothing except letting my mind wander... heap on tasks on the to-do list... keeps pushing me back to trying to figure out "what's wrong with me"... and trying to fix that.
I don't choose when I'm faced with all those options. I don't crave anything in particular to eat in the morning; I am not hungry until noon or 1 - I haven't eaten breakfast since I was 12. But this is a must, according to diet experts if I want to lose 20 lbs. And I need to lose the weight and get my body moving again... all this sitting around with hubs -- my body is complaining like crazy! It just doesn't feel good. Hubs is another thing - but when I'm ready to get that bit out of my head - I'll put it over on the relationship thread.
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Hi PR,
I so relate to the morning 'thing'. I posted six months or so ago about my mornings, half asleep (and I really can't figure out which part, mind or body, is partially awake), and wasted. But the part of your post that got my attention is that you are not hungry when you wake up. I'm not either. I get hungry about 3 p.m., and even then it's not hunger that makes me eat, it's just that I run out of juice, become lightheaded and weird. Years ago, I started to eat a very small breakfast, maybe 3 crackers with cheese melted over them with 1 sweet cup of coffee. At some point, I understood the ritual was the attractive part of it. It isn't as if nibbling cheesed up water crackers and sweet coffee could be called breakfast. So that's how I consciously got introduced to personal rituals and how important and enjoyable they can be a person's day. My sleep has improved tremendously with medication (very low dose of Wellbutrin combined with Lyrica of all things), but still morning for me is not 7:30 a.m., it's whenever I get up. Sometimes my morning starts at 12 noon. Whatever time it is, early or late, I start my day with that tiny bit of food and 1 cup of coffee. I used to journal a lot during that time. My new life being married, living in a different house with a man who hits the floor running and talking put a monkey wrench in the journalizing. I'm still trying to find that special, quiet spot that will inspire more journaling and meditation. DH has gotten used to and doesn't complain about the hours I sleep or that I'm out of it when I get up. Anyway, all this to ask, have you any enjoyable rituals? I like mine.
tt
PS exercise (it has only been two weeks), has made a tremendous difference in how I feel and move.
A diet for me is not to bring carbs and sugar into the house. If I don't see 'em, I don't eat 'em! actually, my preference red meat and lots of green veggies. I think that's one good thing (well, I think it's good) I brought from the farm. dietitians wouldn't agree with the red meat thing.
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Thanks so much, tt - "personal rituals" is a better way for me to think about things like this than trying to suss out something that fits me, from the plethora of recommendations and advice out there. And it has an aura of self-caring about it that I need, versus the "its for your own good" aura of no-excuses, no-exceptions, "you'll do this because I said so" regimen. I'm thinking about journalling again, too. Whether it's the bug that laid me low, or the current hubs confusion-consternation, or SAD or whatever... I'm "going through" something I don't quite understand... and it isn't easy to pin down, either. I'd register pretty high on a scale of depression, I guess. But it's temporary.
Re: chicken vs red meat - I eat way more red meat (lean) than chicken because chicken gives me such intestinal distress. And with all the back/forth on what foods are good to eat or not... I figure it won't be long before chicken goes on the bad list. A diet to me, is lots of whole grain & veggies... even meatless meals. Not ready to tackle that yet with my meat & potatos & two sides & dessert hubs... he SAYS he will eat more variety and veggies... until I serve it, that is. Maybe I'll pull out my Alice Waters cookbook to read; I'm a big fan of simple, fresh food and not cooking the "good" out of it.
(((((((((HOPSY))))))))))
I understand, really I do. That's why I leaped at what seemed a 1x opportunity. It's more challenging that I anticipated... re-inventing myself and what my life is and consists of... after 50. It's the quieter times that are the hardest.
Star... I need to explain better; lately I haven't been making sense to myself so it's no wonder I'm not communicating what I want to say. The habits I have... are the ones that were imposed on me - by obligations of school/work, back through to the original dealing with, reacting to, & surviving my FOO. Those habits - like breakfast and morning routine - are SO entrenched in that emotional cesspool that every foray I've made to try something different, has failed... to the point where I regularly just say F it... and don't even think about trying or wanting to change anything. And the cycle just rolls around.... I want to change things now, again.
There is some "flushing" happening with ole emotional cesspool lately... along with some rather volatile & ouchy over-sensitivity to things in the here & now... and some new ideas I've been digesting... and some "seeing my way clear" to proceed. So, where I am now... I'm seeing those "Mama never told me" things more clearly. Morning routines, in particular are something I never had a chance to design for myself... because back then, I was "doing" for everyone else, holding down responsibilities for my bro & at school... and any "need" I had - well, it had to wait or didn't exist. There was never coffee in our house, after my Dad was gone - so I smoked instead for the instant, brain-waking rush of nicotine. I needed the rush - because like tt, it took me forever to wake up. Only in my case: I didn't sleep well because of anxiety & hypervigilance & nightmares. I don't have many sleep issues anymore... so why do I need stimulants (in mass quantities) to wake up?
I'm not up to the list-item, where I decide "what I'm gonna do in retirement" yet. Part of me says I'd better have fun & learn to play while I can... another part of me, wants to throw myself into the maw of being of use, practical use to others; some sort of hands-on personal service... and there is one part of me, that would like to try on H.L. Mencken's shoes... be a published curmudgeon... and tell everyone a.) what I think is wrong and b.) how to fix it without being politically correct, mind you. LOL... like THAT'LL happen...
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My perfect morning ritual would look like this: Two hours. Weather like Hawaii, a porch swing looking out over a lovely garden, a gentle breeze (I guess that comes with Hawaii like weather?) Maybe a footstool. A decent side table or chest to store my writing stuff in. My Bible or favorite devotional book. Perfect quiet. No phone calls. No appointments. No talk. Lots of meditation. Dashing off a personal note to my family and friends. Ahhhhh
tt
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That's really good for a while, tt. "A while" being however long one continues to enjoy it and it serves one's goals. My "while" has been about 30 months, give or take the additional few years I actively journalled every day to unravel the knotted ball of my story and suppressed emotional reactions to events in the story... and figure out what "letting go" and "moving on" was; for me personally.
I didn't know how long my while was gonna be, when I gave my Self permission to do this. I purposely didn't look at any "shoulds" or guidelines or advice because I wanted what I wanted and the first time in my life, I could actually let myself have what I wanted.
And now, that I'm feeling restless again... instead of replacing that with some external obligation... I'm trying to design a "personal ritual" for myself that's more intentional - and incorporates some of those goals that have had to wait patiently on the back burner while whatever process or goal was served by that long "down time" finished up... maybe it never completely finishes up, ya know? But it's far enough along now, that I don't think I'll overtax or overwhelm that fragile, vulnerable bit of myself by adding in these other things. And I know better now, than to instantly decree milestones, instant changes, and superimpose the goal I have in mind... for the expectations I have for myself... right from the beginning.
And my original question comes from my ignorance of what other people do, like to do, or ask of themselves in these kinds of rituals. I need plain old info... the raw materials from which to create something.
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PR,
I think being mindful of what is soothing, replenishing, restoring, uplifting, and permissible (self has said, yeah, that's a good idea, you have my permission), is what sets ritual apart from other elements of our routines like consciously being aware of what translates as work, social interaction, what is 'have to, because it's the right thing', and what makes us feel drained rather than energized. In other words, being conscious of what is routine and what is personal ritual(s) where we own it (the desirable rituals) and we identify all the elements of our day and how each makes us feel while doing them. If we have rituals that serve no purpose, then toss them. If we're spinning our wheels getting the necessary work related things done, then tweak the method or adopt another method. Make it a challenge.
I'm not forgetting that you are married and that marriage is at the top of things to nurture and keep healthy. It's just that for the latter to work best IMO, the others need to be nurtured, kept healthy and implemented without guilt.
That way, the marriage can be bathed with contentment.
Trying not to talk out of both sides of my mouth here :). It's all a challenge - I know...
tt
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"Mama never told me" could be "Mama never showed me"
Mama never told/showed me that I was somebody. I could have been a lamp perched on a table.
Mama never told/showed me follow through, that is if she said something...she often didn't really mean or do what she said she would do.
Mama did show me a lot of manipulation emotionally.
Mama never did tell me or show me how much serious work life really is AND that life is also supposed to be fun sometimes.
Mama did show me that I should be pleasant and "nice" for her and to her.
Mama never did show me that I should "build a life for myself".
Even at work I dedicated too much into the effort of the job not fully "getting" how it's not about the JOB, its about me.
Just not a solid firm sense of self.
Mama never showed me that I'm a part of "the family".
However, mama did show me what guilt and shame feel like.
Mama did demonstrate a lot of incompetence I don't know why. I struggled with riding a bike, driving a car was strange, she tried to teach me how to sew and gave me a broken sewing machine and then she got mad at me for complaining that she gave me something broken. Swimming-she just dropped me into the water to sink. God she stinks. I still don't fully get this piece of learned helplessness I want to understand this more.
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I am pretty dazzled by your investigations, Boat.
I do not think you are stuck in "learned helplessness."
You are correcting identifying how you learned it.
Once you recover from the anguish, grief and anger over how your mother didn't give you what you needed,
you will be free--as in, inner self actually open and free--to learn to acquire it for yourself. Never mind "belated."
One learns what one learns when one learns it...and if you accept that you have INHERENT worth and dignity
no matter where you are on the learning curve, the process can be a series of happy discoveries, even amid
various miseries.
I have faith in that, anyway.
Hops
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Well there is something I'm noticing that I didn't "Get it" when I was younger. I (probably other people also) can act like everything is okay or try to acheive, or look the part and play the part that one is together and okay. The thing is if there is something in there, inside of me or probably (us) that is not okay, or didn't get worked out somehow the way it should have or didn't grow like it should have that it WILL show up again later in life or it will cause problems or manifest SOMEHOW and SOME WAY. The most invisible, broken hard to see things inside the self might be the most powerful factors that control/limit/shape us in the present and the future.
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You are correct, Starlight! That something inside does show up - in all kinds of ways - even physically, for me. We call it lots of things... inner child, unconscious, higher self, etc. Sometimes, I call it my "evil twin"... but lovingly!! (LOL...)
You could call it - a "broken heart" - too. I used that description for awhile because of what I observed of that "other me"... and how it felt. Broken hearts can self-mend (sometimes wiser), if they're allowed dignity, grieving, and space... the time to heal. A patient, compassionate listener during that time, is a really good thing. Because going through that self-mending - while it's something a person can only do by themselves; they actually do the mending - the process really requires that other person... to HEAR the story of what happened... to say, "Damn right you were pissed! I would've been too"... or "OH MY... how awful!... You need a hug", throwing their arms wide open and if you choose to accept the hug... just surrendering to the comfort, the caring and letting out all the pain that's been hidden away for so long because there WASN'T that "other 3rd person" back then, to do that...
... and as children who were taught to keep secrets to protect someone else, never expect, much less hope and ask for - those kinds of needs to be met for ourselves... we didn't really learn that it's more than just OK to be a blubbering chaotic mess - to actually fall apart emotionally - and be comforted by someone safe, who cares... who isn't going to make fun of us or expect us to just "snap to" and "get over it" and "figure it out" while they walk away. It's what being HUMAN is all about. This kind of "letting go" of pent up, archeological emotion is a kind of emotional-intellect-processing; it's how we think with our emotions -- at least, that's my theory/explanation and it still works for me. This is consistently one of the things that "Mama Never Told Us"***... that I see in my and other people's posts from time to time. It feels as if it's never been OUR turn to be in that position with another person.
Least, that's what I know about me, anyway. And I also know it turned out I wasn't so helpless in relation to my inner self, after all. It takes time, but you can learn to be on the same side and work together. In my case, it was like taming a wild beast... but that was only because she was hurt so deeply and badly. She was really a soft, mushy marshmallow... and only tried to wreak havoc and be so big & scary... to protect herself.
You always amaze me with how clearly you "get something" -- and then dive right into, and out the other side -- with an in-depth understanding. It expands what I learned from my own process - a lot - it ADDS to it, to read what you're seeing, feeling and learning. I have tunnel-vision a lot.
*** Mama can't teach what Mama don't know herself.
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*** Mama can't teach what Mama don't know herself.
Mama is a selfish witch. There are definitely times when she knew better--She has always gotten away with playing dumb. She didn't try.
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Yes, those kinds of mothers exist; they're real; sadists... people who can only feel better if they're making someone else miserable. Even more horrible, is that they are kinda proud of how they are... they aren't embarassed nor do they see/feel any shame for their impact on others.
Momsters.
:shock: They are the real-life army of zombies, I sometimes think.
I am so sorry your mom was one of those, Star. They really don't deserve the kid you were - and adult you are now. Their attempts to pretend to have a relationship are intensely painful.
You are smart, you are sensitive, creative, and there's that bubbly mirth you've shown here and there. You've been able to teach me what play IS. You deserved a better mother than that. You are also persistent, insightful, and caring... there is wisdom in you that I see, too. I have a suspicion that you can learn quickly -- so gaining a specific "skill set" is the least of your worries.
You sound like you're at a pretty hard part on your path. I think I know where/what it is... but it's best if you say it all yourself now. I'm going to sit on my fingers and bite my tongue... because you're telling YOUR story... and I'm on the edge of my seat waiting to hear how it all comes clear for you. Something my T used to tell me kinda fits right now: there is no timetable for getting it, for seeing a certain thing, getting past it... each person is different and has different kinds of "guardians" or "trolls" on the path (fears, upside down/inside out ideas, etc) to deal with; some of those will take more time to get past...
... maybe you need to get some rest first; maybe just break up your routine and do something different... what do you need right now, Star?
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Hey Boat (thanks again for letting me still call you Boat, just feel a lot of affection for that name),
I think even malice, even cruelty, is still a form of "not knowing."
If someone really knew or were capable of knowing with some depth of recognition what a difference it would make in their own lives, much less another's...to forswear malice and cruelty (or at a minimum to apologize and try to make amends when they popped up, since they are in human nature) -- then it's hard to imagine they'd choose the blunted, hurtful, dysfunctional thing.
But whatever they reason they choose it at times, or stumble into it, or hide in it, they're accountable for it. You have to protect yourself from cruelty anyway. It's not going anywhere.
I have a handfull of unique ignorances, and so does everyone else who walks on dirt.
My Nmother showed malice on occasion; usually, emotionally, she was just perky but blank. My brother was malicious as a hobby. My father -- I think in my entire life I heard him make two cutting remarks that hurt my feelings. They weren't pure sarcasm, but they were judgmental. And the rest of the time, he emanated peace. He'd get exasperated and overwhelmed, but when he had a chance to make me smile or create a little peace in the atmosphere, he would.
I know what you mean about a therapist's listening not being enough. It takes a village. A menu. A whole network.
Did either of your parents drink? I was wondering if a ACOA meeting plus a wise sponsor could be like "therapist #2) -- and free.
And/or a UU pastoral care type person.
I am helped, at 61, by finding an OLDER person to talk with. Not instead of a therapist, but in addition to.
Anyhow, I am visualizing a village for you, so your entire hopes aren't set only on the therapy...but on the therapy PLUS.
You are a blogger, or could be.
I don't think I'm helping, a bit blue myself today...but here's a gentle rock (no pun intended)...
Hops
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Thanks guys.
I realize that I'm playing a broken record myself. Some part of me wishes there was super glue, record mending appliance, a new record to use. Problem with these sorts of problems is that not only does my mind speak a broken record track but my life is manifesting a broken record lifestyle. Its complicated and I don't know what the solution is, times in the past when I was doing better included me working hard and presenting myself like a physically fit and professionally together person and someone who had time and money left over to travel or whatever AND I was still broken even with all those things going on- underneath there were things bound to surface again I just didn't see it back then. I tried really hard to add so much positives on top of a broken thing. AND I went to therapy back then also.
I'm tired of people like the housing director and even the therapist insisting that I should come up with a solution.
I've seen this pattern with my brother, times of seeming like things are going relatively okay--and then an emotional dive into a crisis.
Not regular life ups and downs its different.
Maybe it's because all the problems growing up were always ignored. Mother always pretending like the worse events were not events. Narcissism is like psychological Valium maybe. I think my grandmother literally did take Valium. Thinking about the ways in which drugs and alcohol shape a persons interacting style.
What they don't understand is that my common version of a solution for myself is not a real solution at all and my problems will resurface again. I guess I should tell my therapist that. My solutions are very fragile because they are illusions.
Basically I have emotional problems or inadequacies that will "sabotage" whatever "success" I temporarily come up with.
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Hon, I think you're really, really close to getting to a new place.
Keep playing the broken record until you scream to have it shut off.
I know about the "broken things" and crises and the sabotage. It's not just you. ::frantically waving my arms:: me too.
And it will be OK, if you "go there" with your T. We'll be here. I wish I could be THERE... and we could go skip stones across the water as you ease your way into it when you were ready... then I would sit there till we were both shivering with cold, freezing our butts off... and sort of "come to" and run to the nearest place to get warm. I'll buy coffee!
ps - and I'll try to just keep my big mouth shut! (I think my inner child is really a demonic chatty cathy...)