Heartfelt sympathies about Boris and how all that affects you and son, Tupp. I'm crushed for you and the short-sighted U.K. voters. I can't fathom how a country that could be part of a united Europe thinks its people will be happy without that robust partnership, warts and all.
Then again, it's unfathomable over here, too. Nationalism and isolationism are naive and very scary substitutes for belonging to something bigger than oneself. The answer has become fake news and confused notions about patriotism, when it should be community and belonging. Anyway, no more politics (here) from me.
Just like "Keep calm and carry on" I am inspired by the one-way you deal with it:
ONWARD.
Thanks, Tupp. As ever, you inspire me.
Hugs
Hops
Dear, dear (((((Tupp)))).
Hurts my heart to think of you bursting into tears of loneliness. I do think that's what it is.
Remember once not too long ago, you mentioned that you may be mildly on the spectrum? Do you think it's possible that when you interact, you are logical about it in a way that folks without that "superpower" are not? And that doing things "right" socially (according to much mental effort and rehearsal) is difficult at times? It MIGHT be that you are reacting to people according to an internal script that leaves you detached a bit, from the little cues that might guide you in the present moment with people?
This is all speculation and may be way off the mark. "They" always talk about "social cues" for folks who are not completely neurotypical. And it often strikes me as heartbreaking that some of the best people in the world (Tupp, go look in mirror) don't necessarily interact socially with ease and relaxation though NO fault of their own, and who, if one gets to know them, can be the most honest, caring, loyal and reliable friends in one's world.
As much of an extroverted blabbermouth as I am, it is still difficult for me to form close friendships, particularly with women. I'm not on the spectrum, but in the past I've been so driven to heal inner damage from bullying by girls (think: packs of wolves at a beagle) ... that I've been too "desperate." I've lost a few female friends over the years and it hurt me more than romantic breakups with men did. But graaaaaaaaaaaadaully, I learned what I was doing/feeling/and why.
The only thing that made things better for me was finding friends in a benign context (like my uber-liberal church that loves agnostics, atheists, humanists, atypical/disabled, whatever one is). Once there, and once I'd gotten to know a few people through group activities, some real friendships did grow that are the light of my life now. A handfull is enough and I am so grateful for them.
The other thing that made things better was just toughing it out during many years when I felt that acute loneliness and continuing to read and go to T and struggle (it WAS a struggle) to experience what self-love felt like. Plonking myself down at church each week (even though the place is kind of messed up right now), actually did build me a sense of phamily. The truth is, it took several years to get started. One-offs or start-and-stop involvements just never did it. Do you sing? Choir practice is one "phamily" people in it seem to love. They get close for years....
One day I had an epiphany about reciprocity in friendship that I mentioned here before. I wound up telling a woman I'd been feeling quite hurt about (she was always friendly and affectionate to me when we saw each other for "group" things and came to visit a couple times when I was so stressed over family) but she lived far out of town. Then moved five minutes from me, and I was so excited that of course we'd be "regular friends" now. She never called. Never invited me up the hill to see her new place. But I liked her. So one day when she arrived early for the covenant group, I just said, You know, I've always had a hard time forming friendships with women because of childhood baggage, and I realized recently that with you, I've been carrying around some hurt because I wanted to be friend-friends and not just group-activity friends. I think what happened was that I wanted a closer friendship and was feeling hurt about it, because I made it up in my head. You are wonderful and very kind to me, but I wasn't basing my friendship fantasy on something reciprocal. You have a stable group of friends and I think I've realized you're just not looking for another close one. She was a little startled but not offended, listened to me, and just accepted what I said about myself. Because I didn't ask for or expect her to do anything, I'd just wanted to tell her about a growth process I'd been through inside. I was telling her: I'm okay with this reality. And oddly enough, even though we still don't see each other one-on-one outside of that group, I think we feel more comfortable around each other than we ever did before. I'm still very fond of her; I just realize that she has emotional limits of her own.
Only thing I can say from knowing you in writing, is that perhaps you try so hard that it's absolutely crushing when it doesn't manifest. I have been there. For a long time, the social GROUP things I'd do were just all I had...because all the wishing in the world for close phamily didn't make it so. I even used group things for a time as a kind of anesthetic, or bandage over the wound of isolation. It didn't fix everything to sit in the sanctuary and watch dust motes in a sunbeam. But eventually it did feel that the pew itself, and the light, and the piano and choir, were friends in an odd way. Because I went repeatedly for long enough that it became a home-extension, another place in my life that was home...just from the repetition of it.
I can't imagine how difficult it may be for you to get out regularly to something like that if son isn't able to sit quietly through a service (would he be able to, with the headphones)? But that's just my own experience.
The other thing that crosses my mind (I have no idea about its existence or availability) might be, (because if you are neuro-atypical it's surely mildly so) would be to wonder whether there's any kind of organization for families of neuro-atypical kids like your son. Surely, some of those parents your own age might understand and respond to you as they understand how to read the "code" of someone who's somewhere on the spectrum, and friendships might form. One never knows but you know I always think of you in accepting group settings....
I can imagine that parents of younger kids than your son would be awed and pleased to get to know you, because your sanity and wisdom about all you've battled through for him would give them courage for their own situations. I dunno, but I can see you being a valuable friend to parents of such kids.
Back to my first point, though, is to never ever stop the process of learning to genuinely love and respect yourself.
This blast of loneliness is so understandable and don't forget, IT'S THE FREAKING HOLIDAYS. That's when absence of family or phamily is more acute than any other time of year. And it's NOT your "fault."
It's like weather, and this is the worst. If I were so lucky as to live nearby, I'd be in your flat right now with the chamomile. But I'd bring the rum, goes well...
This too shall pass, good Tupp.
With love to you, hon, and a huge hug (if you like hugs),
Hops
Tupp:
About the files, and making sense of them. I get that. I've kept my own.... and I'm not sure why. The interesting thing, for me now, is I'm seeing possibilities I couldn't see before. Not good or bad, just new and more creative. It feels like working through some of the hardest stuff opened up space for.....
more. More creativity. More options.
More means less focus on all the unprocessed things tapping us on the shoulder, asking for attention. We tend to them, they process, and get filed in historic files. It frees up space in the brain, our ability to process improves, and starts firing on all cylinders. I hope you keep a journal, Tupp.
To your question.... starting with the easier files makes sense to me. Once you begin processing you might find you're less reactive, or not reacting at all when you get to them.
I sent you an IM, bc I couldn't STOP responding to your other questions. There's lots of information, but the important bit is... the answers aren't outside you. The T wil help you remember who you are... whole just as you are. No need for changing or doing or fearing. All the crud others installed over your lovely newborn self will fall away..... however that looks for you.... it's going to happen.
I so believe in you, ((Tupp.))
Lighter
Imagine how it will feel to touch and look at the files, as you finish dealing with them, and feel absolutely nothing, Tupp: )
Wouldn't that be amazing?
Lighter
Tupp, I think I need to send you a paper shredder. Shreds are useful compost, as those crosscut snibbles of things that are no longer relevant to your life; the things that you do NOT need to keep around anymore as they can never be important again.
The past decade of my life has generated a gigantic amount of paper - estates, sale documents, taxes, etc. Boxes & boxes of this crap. Haven't done it lately, but I'll put on some relaxing music, make sure I have lubricant sheets, and then have a massive shredding session. Empty the bin into a trash bag (you'll still never contain the mess) and repeat. Until the boxes are empty and the stacks are gone, leaving ONLY the things you might conceivably need in the future.
It's amazing how therapeutic this simple task is. For me, at least, it opens up so much more emotional space and the side benefit of more physical space helps too.
That spiral is SO familiar, Tupp.
Stop judging yourself. THIS is a physical thing.... you can move yourself out of it, but you have to address your hijacked biology.
Push on a doorjamb for a few minutes, as hard as you possibly can, and breeaaaathe from the bottom of your lungs... filling them through your nose.... pooch out your tummy, then breath out slowly.... FOCUS on the pushing and breathing.
Check your pain/discomfort... where is it? What exactly does it feel like? Put a number on it 1-10. Focus on that discomfort and breathe some more... maybe waver your hand in front of your face 10 times(one back and forth is ONE time).. about 18 inches out, and breathe while focusing on those physical sensations.
Check the feelings... have they improved? 1-10? If it's getting better, continue till it's a zero.
If it stops getting better, focus on a place of ease in your body, and breathe some more.
You're getting dragged BACK into the moments you were in danger, under fire, in crisis and battling for your survival.
Your survival brain is in charge when you're spiraling like this. It's OK. You can sneak up under it with breathwork and nonjudgmental focus and unhook your survival brain.
Once you've done it enough the brain calms enough tp process the memories and sensations AROUND THE MAIL, and phone calls, IME.
That the same triggers keep setting you off seems daunting, I know.
It will get better. You don't have to live this way forever.
When we're under stress we do what we've always done, and that's just not working anymore. Try the breathing, pushing on doorjambs, or cross your arms over your chest and pat your shoulders gently, one at a time, like a mother comforting a baby.... and breathe, Tupp.
Give attention to the anxiety..... find it in your body. Put your hand on it. Name it. Describe it. Give it a number 1-10. Breathe into it, and really focus on it. Add the EMDR waving your hand in front of your vision if you remember. 10 times.
Check your distress. You can move yourself OUT of that spiral, ((((Tupp.))))
Lighter
Any time you need someone to even begin to comprehend your life, Tupp, I hope you'll have this article to share.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2019/12/12/she-was-arrested-leaving-her-special-needs-son-hospital-now-moms-are-rallying-behind-her/ (https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2019/12/12/she-was-arrested-leaving-her-special-needs-son-hospital-now-moms-are-rallying-behind-her/)
Consider us among that crowd of mothers who appeared to support her.
Hugs
Hops
I think perhaps it would be good to mention it Tupp. It would be necessary to forming a good working relationship with the new T. Having those cards out on the table.
The other thing to think about, is that sometimes, people take a break from therapy - when they come up against something as intense as I imagine your stepdad work would be. Maybe that T was just suggesting a break until you were ready to tackle it and not rejecting you at all. Even though you really felt it that way.
I get what you're saying about paying someone to listen to you. I felt that too, a lot of times. Even though it was the only T I worked with. I'd kinda talk about daily stuff, complain about the same things, etc. There wasn't anything in what I was giving her, to really work on. For me, that was my smokescreen wall, proclaiming absolute control that we weren't going to go any deeper or further than that; that I wasn't yet ready to dive in.
Later on, it was more like we'd sifted things so finely and fully processed the kitchen scraps into fertile black compost that there wasn't any more she could do to help me; I had to step up and do those things myself. Otherwise, I'd become dependent instead of INdependent.
Hmmmmm. Now that I think of it, that's a story I need to tell Hol.
Tupp:
It sounds like your T let her ego overtake her, IMO. A good T shouldn't push a client into something they aren't ready for, IME. I'm gobsmacked she did that, truly.
HOpefully the new EMDR gal will have a better handle on herself.
I'd definitely discuss what happened with the last T.
Lighter
Hi, Tupp:
I was thinking about college, and how your son really wants to visit with his friends, not attend class.
When my girls were homeschooling we visited their old school and the girls participated in class... usually several days in a row, monthly. It was nice to keep the social contact, and everyone enjoyed it.
You might find you're welcome to bring your son to visit his old class and it works out well for everyone, depending on the framework. Maybe set up an hour for something like show and tell once a week where everyone has something to share with the class? Maybe it could be during lunch if it doesn't seem the teachers are open to it?
Lighter
(((((Tupp)))))
Nearly brought tears to think of you waking in the morning without anxiety surging through you. Anxiety which does NOTHING for you, ever, changes nothing, advances nothing, protects nothing.
I will personally make a statue of your new T and erect it anywhere you and she chooses. I just need the heroic pose.
Nahhh. Actually, I would prefer to make a hero-statue of YOU. You are so brave, and persistent, and determined, and you overcame your resistance to seeking T-help and now....help is here.
Happy dancing...big hugs,
Hops
Ah... college 2 days only. Seems reasonable, but I wouldn't blame you for taking a complete break for a while.
Believe it's permanent, tupp..... the ease and calm in your brain and body. Believe 100% it's here to stay and know there's more to come. Your brain just needs a chance to calm down, finish processing the stuck stuff and get on with functioning properly again. It's easy. It happens in a millisecond.
Lighter
Wow.....
Well before I said anything about where I'm at......
I wish everyone lots of love....whether you have someone in your life or not.....
Feel good about yourself even it you were never showed that....
Make it the way you can.....feel good about yourself....I know it depends where you're at!!!!!!!
I had so much negativity in my life as a kid...but I read this today so here goes..
I didn't grow up having role models.
I grew up having people I didn't want to be like and seeing situation I didn't want to be in.
Not all of us are dealt the right cards, but that doesn't mean we can't reshuffle the deck
for a better outcome.
I like reading this....because for sure I agree with it.....
My dear husband has cancer and all I can do is pray and hope for the best...
I saw my dad have cancer and I saw my NM take his pain medicine and replace it with sugar.....yes your read that right
SUGAR....he was dying...a sweet good man...but I learned I would never do that.....NEVER ever....
Lots of Love and good things......in the days ahead for your all
Bettyanne
Tupp, I'm following your journey with such interest. You are in such a different system than we are here--for us, college doesnt start till 18 and it sounds like your son is younger than that?
I identify with so much of your soul searching because we chose to homeschool our kids and there comes a point where transitioning them to a conventional school is a mammoth undertaking. Many years I would research schools starting in April because it just seemed too much to continue with all six of them in different grades, and every year I vowed to continue for "one more year". And, of course, I ended up finishing the whole thing with all of them that way!
Then, too, was all the health issues that began to crop up and it felt like it would be just one more job to tackle to get them all in places that would take those into account. And the mental health issues that started in their 20s had probably been brewing for awhile as well. I just wished I could have some respite and there wasnt any--so I read your posts with much compassion. If I could wish anything for you, its just that you could have breaks. I hope that him returning to college part time will give you that.
I think your plan of doing the real work of schooling your son and allowing college to be a place where he socializes and gets some outside input is a great idea. It's possible that even the differences between the way you do things and the way others do (in a safe environment) will give him some practice in resiliancy. I dont know how much he is able to internalize that, but I know that I often worried when we were on the farm that they needed an input that I couldnt give them. I felt deeply the weight of responsibility to provide so much.
That weight affects YOU too, and you get all in your head, as I did. It's exhausting. I'm so glad that you are finding ways of addressing that. For me, it was connecting in some way with the bigger world--reading, classes (I took online college classes, and I still find that learning something new takes me out of myself), something artistic, even if small. In a way, parenting myself.
Anyway, just wanted to say that I am rooting for you on the sidelines.
CB
I hadn't realised I had a constant heaviness in my chest until it went away for a few days last week, and I hadn't realised how constantly my inner voice criticises every little thing that I do....
I hadn't realised the power of it until it stopped
QuoteI hadn't realised I had a constant heaviness in my chest until it went away for a few days last week, and I hadn't realised how constantly my inner voice criticises every little thing that I do....
I hadn't realised the power of it until it stopped
Those are such BEAUTIFUL, POWERFUL realizations, Tupp. I'm so glad for you. Even respite, ups and downs, two steps forward plus one step back = FORWARD ... it's just all so much more hopeful and life begins to contain possibility, peace.
It's like it's as human to relax as to fear, to smile as to weep, to enjoy sunshine as to shiver. But when the latter are happening (too much or too relentlessly) the nervous system forgets it has a repertoire!
It sounds to me as though you've rediscovered a repertoire that's innate and lovely and the real birthright of everyone.
I'm singing along....
hugs
Hops
Just AMAZING.
You're like a pioneer in your own essential self, in your own body.
Exploring, discovering.
I am awed.
hugs
Hops
Hi, Tupp:
I'm glad you made a connection with your new T.
DD found one this week too! Yay!
Having things explained, the way your T is explaining to you, helps move forward much faster and more easily, IME. It helps bring lasting change and teach us to help ourselves, which is amazing.
:nodding::
Keep us updated. Very exciting!
lighter
Your IT idea is a good one, Tupp. I think you and your son could really make an impact on your community with that and it sounds like he would enjoy it for its own sake as well.
I know this kind of work is slow and painstaking, but I do see a correlation between this idea that you have and the work you are doing. Be patient! I think some breakthroughs are coming!
CB
Hi, Tupp:
I'm glad you made a connection with your new T.
DD found one this week too! Yay!
Having things explained, the way your T is explaining to you, helps move forward much faster and more easily, IME. It helps bring lasting change and teach us to help ourselves, which is amazing.
:nodding::
Keep us updated. Very exciting!
lighter
Thanks, Lighter :) Glad DD has found someone as well. It does help to have people explain things, as you say. I find it much easier to concentrate on what I'm doing if I understand why I'm doing it. It makes more sense to me and cuts down on my 'what if' questions. Yup yup yup.
Yesterday was a tough day. I have to admit I was a bit disappointed - because I'd felt so good after the session last week I'd kind of assumed that I'd come bouncing out each time and eventually just bounce constantly. So I did feel a little bit disappointed that wasn't the case, but I'm aware that I need to be realistic and acknowledge that it isn't magic, we're still working through tough stuff, just (hopefully) in a quicker and more productive way.
My view of T, at this point, is.... we use one appointment to identify something that needs attention, then the next appointment to work through it, which feels AMAZING every time. I used to spend time wishing every appointment could be magic, but sometimes we go places that surprise and amaze me... lead to something I didn't know was there. Just very productive on the whole, even if they can't all be processing really difficult problematic emotions that pop up consistently in my life, kwim? I decided to just go with it and barely moved off the sofa all day, apart from a little walk with son in the afternoon. I struggle with days like that, because I know not getting things done stresses me out. My T would say ego and judgment are involved.... I think.
She'd ask me to be super compassionate and pay close nonjudgmental attention to what's going on in and around me. But equally I think I need to learn to listen to my body more and not force myself through things so much, so I let it go and did very little. And that's what you needed to be doing. Tending to yourself in the way you needed to be tended to. No good or right way, particularly based on old standards and voices in our heads, right? Just paying attention and noticing.... holding ourselves with deep compassion. It goes in and out of focus for me, but I notice gets easier.
The sense of loss and the ache for my dad was very real and very present, and when I closed my eyes I was literally back in our house when we were kids, at the bottom of the stairs with his arms around me on the day he left. I could feel him and smell him and I just felt so numb. ((((Tupp)))) What struck me is that I've never felt the same sense of loss with my mum. That's understandable, IMO. Completely. I've missed having a family, but more the idea of a family, not the one I actually had. I haven't looked back and wished I could recreate a moment with her, without it meaning a huge change in her behavior. I don't have that with my dad, and I feel very lucky to have those good memories of him, few that they are.
I wonder if it would be helpful to go back and recreate some touching memories with your mother for little Tupp.... she so deserved a less broken mother and I've found changing and replacing memories to be a very helpful tool for my journey. I don't know. Maybe my wanting that for you is the wrong thing for your journey, but I want to say share what comes up for me.
Little things have started making sense. I feel a sense of panic if there is little food in the house. I think this stems from the time the police reported me to social services after I'd reported my step-dad to them. There wasn't much in the fridge as I shopped day to day (still do most of the time) and it was one of the things they flagged up. I feel anxious every time I open the fridge door and see there's not much in there. Grrrrrrr.... I feel so helpless for you, having had people poking around in my fridge too. There doesn't need to be; we've three shops within a ten minute walk and about another twenty within a ten minute bus ride, so shopping day to day gives son practise at life skills, gives us a bit of exercise and cuts down on wasted food. It's sensible, yet that anxiety crops up and I think that's where it's from. And that's SO unfair, makes zero sense and couldn't be farther from the stupid things people assume when directed by harmful PD individuals who want to do us harm. Good Lord, Tupp.... that was so unfair. Similarly, the paralysis that I experience (like yesterday, when I barely moved) stems, I think, from the first time my step dad assaulted me. We were on holiday at a caravan park at the time, and I remember that every time we went on holiday after that, I never used to clean my teeth for the whole time we were there. I suppose, sub consciously, I was trying to put him off kissing me. Isn't it weird how we do things and have behaviours for years and don't realise why? I think it stems from that, almost that sense of 'If I keep completely still, no-one can see me'. If I don't move off the sofa, nothing bad can happen (I did clean my teeth yesterday, though :) ). You're so strong to have brought those charges against him.... report his crimes.... TELL on him. Even though the system's broken, you did everything you could do and that's enough (((Tupp.)))That's all you can do and I'm in awe of your perseverance and resilience.
Truly. Good job connecting dots and SEEING the truth.
Phew. Hard work. Revelations. I didn't sleep too well last night but feel better than I did yesterday so will try to crack on a bit through the day. Son and I have a book date! They've started a scheme at the local library where you can book an appointment with the librarian and discuss books over tea and cake :) My girls and I loved spending time in the stacks too! It's an adventure, a quiet respite, a chance to explore and adding tea and cake, whoo hoo! That's an outing I'd love to attend.I tried to book son on to it but they were fully booked, so we've arranged our own outing today to discuss books over cake and hot chocolate and then go book shopping. So I will have to leave the house for that and I'll enjoy it. ::Swooning over that outint::. Again, you make your son's life so much more fulfilling and rich and you're always thinking things through to create growth and learning opportunities. You're an amazing human being. I hope you believe that. I imagine you creating these kinds of experiences for others.... your son can share, teach and engage in them too, as with the IT idea below. Yes: )
I also suggested to son yesterday that we both learn as much as we can about computers and IT and then, when we know enough, we can teach other people. I've an idea at the back of my mind that, once I've got son's at-home, tech based programme up and running, we could extend it and start teaching small groups of adults with learning disabilities useful tech skills, and things like digital photography and short film making, as an alternative or addition to the gardening and car washing that they all seem to be expected to do at the moment. He thinks it's a great idea so I feel better about offering him an alternative to college that he'll enjoy and do well at.
That's all for today! Will report back later :) xx BIG days, Tupp.
And when they feeeeel small, remember there are discoveries in the quiet still moments you'll learn from. SElf compassion, nonjudgmental focus... leaning into curiosity about everything inside and around you. Again, yes: )
Lighter
My view of T, at this point, is.... we use one appointment to identify something that needs attention, then the next appointment to work through it, which feels AMAZING every time. I used to spend time wishing every appointment could be magic, but sometimes we go places that surprise and amaze me... lead to something I didn't know was there. Just very productive on the whole, even if they can't all be processing really difficult problematic emotions that pop up consistently in my life, kwim?
Yes, I think that desire for a magic ending to it all is very strong and soooo desirable! I was amazed about how much of my dad leaving was still in there, almost forty years later. But it does feel productive, it sounds strange but I've always felt like there are holes inside me, empty spaces that need filling and it feels like it's filled a couple of them in. I just feel a little bit more secure, a little bit more grounded, a little bit less empty and rootless. Which I think can only be a good thing. Little Lighter wants Little Tupp's daddy to beat the living crap out of PD Stepdad! Maybe worse, but that's little L's rageful desire when she thinks about her best and highest outcome for Little Tupp's situation.
To be rescued by a trusted, powerful, caring spirit who appeared to protect and save her from the monsters. I wonder if your T will go to a place where you're asked how you'd change the sitation... how you'd resolve it if you could cast a spell and change anything and everything about the situation, top to bottom.
My T would say ego and judgment are involved.... I think.
Yes, I think that's right, we must be perfect, we must get it right, we must be better than others. That's always a thing with me, not putting myself in a position where I can be criticised, which I think is ego? I did a lot yesterday, to make up for doing nothing the day before, and I've left myself very tired today. I need to work on balancing that out, so that even when I do feel good, I don't overdo things. Do you really need to? Maybe you just invite yourself to visit that topic, with compassion and patience. WHen you're ready it will happen.
I wonder if it would be helpful to go back and recreate some touching memories with your mother for little Tupp.... she so deserved a less broken mother and I've found changing and replacing memories to be a very helpful tool for my journey. I don't know. Maybe my wanting that for you is the wrong thing for your journey, but I want to say share what comes up for me.
I think that would be helpful, Lighter. I was thinking about it today, and my mum did do nice things for us, but she didn't do nice things with us. And I think that's the difference, my dad did things with us - there was warmth and interaction. My mum cleaned, cooked, paid bills, all of which are nice things that kids are only aware of if they don't happen, so we were lucky in that respect. She made a fuss on birthdays and at Christmas, we got lots of presents and treats. And she did things like book concert tickets as a surprise, or just something little like bringing us a cake home when she went shopping sometimes. All of which are nice things and I do appreciate and am grateful for them, but I can't remember a single thing she did with us - read a story, watch a cartoon, play a game, even just ask about school or want to know what our homework was or anything like that. So perhaps I should just make some interactions up and see what that does. It's a good suggestion, thank you :) It breaks my heart that your mother was so broken she couldn't connect with her children, or SEE she was missing out on important connection. She was so broken. I wonder what her childhood was like. I wonder if her parenting efforts were much better than the parenting she received. I've experienced that from extended family members who were abused and couldn't connect ANY dots regarding their own pretty abusive parenting, bc it was 90% better than what they'd received. They couldn't see it. Would never be able to see it. It was a blind spot.... nothing at all to do with their beautiful children. Personal brokeness they carried with them despite available love and possibility for connection.
Yep, the police thing was a real kick in the teeth. Grrrrrr. The wrong teeth.They didn't even question him. They said they wanted to check the house because I'd told them about my mum's false allegations in the past and they said they would check so they could say everything was alright if she reported me again. And then they reported me. GRRRR.Their list of concerns was - my son was wearing pyjamas (no word of a lie, it's in the report. I understand this kind of nutsy koo crazy thinking intimately, Tupp. He was wearing his pyjamas and it was daytime. Seriously.). grrr The food thing - there was food in the house, just not masses of it but enough for a couple of days and in this day and age when you can order everything to be delivered there just isn't a need to keep a fully stocked pantry - we don't generally have the kind of weather here where you're housebound for three months over the winter. She claimed we didn't have a single book in the house although he was home educated. Broken, disordered bat. I counted his books when I found out that's what she'd claimed - he had 326. I hadn't washed the breakfast dishes up (two bowls and cups on the side by the sink). And the sofa cushions didn't have any covers on them (they were in the washing machine because my son had spilt his drink on them that morning). Those were her concerns - when she'd been given a report of a man who sexually abused a girl from the age of twelve. Some people's priorities are just messed up. Phew. Feels both good and disgusting to write that down. You write away, Tupp. Your story is relevant and important and I believe every syllable. I also believe the PDs manipulated, bought off and lied their way through the police questions. It's a recurring thing, IME, but on some level THEY KNOW. I think they worry they'll go to hell. I think they might should worry.
Ah, the book adventure was great, we went to the second-hand bookshops first just for a look, then to the computer game shops just to look at what's there and then on to his favorite book shop where he bought a new Lego book. Then we headed to a new cafe for tea and cake, it was lovely, although to be fair not too much book discussion as he was too busy eating his cake :) One of those moments where we don't get what we want... but we get what we need; ) It was nice, though, and he'll hopefully be doing the proper one at the library next month. I'm excited for him. What fun!
Thanks, Lighter. It's really helpful having you doing the EMDR, it's good to be able to compare notes :) I'm looking forward to the next appointment, it feels like the right thing to be working on now and I'm looking forward to seeing where we go with it. I think I'm about done shaking my fist at ghosts and unresolved emotions for a bit. I lost a bit of ground, but have perspective and deeper understanding around old processes and new. Watching myself make choices I would rather not choose.... is interesting if I drop all judgment around it and get very curious. Stop telling myself what I NEED to do, bc I'll do what I need when the time's right. I'm just fine as I am and I'm giving my brain a chance to feel safe, calm down and do what it does best. To pull my face off the glass even as I'm noticing my face is UP against glass.... and that's not where I want to be. I know how to get off that glass. I'll do it when I'm ready and that will be the right time. It's OK.
I feel fortunate to walk this path with you. To see how you're processing and interpreting your EMDR sessions. What you gain and learn is helpful to me too. Lighter
Awwwww, sorry you're suffering with "the cold" as youngest dd used to say when she was 5yo.
"I have....
the cold."
SO.
Cute.
Yup, we have Vicks too. I'd do more than open and sniff it if my mucous membranes trusted me enough to handle it. Sadly, they can't.
I hope you feel better soon. My guilty pleasure is Nyquil for sleeping through miserable nights.
I'm sending you protection, feelings of safety and intestinal fortitude to do good work with your T.
I think we are safe now, Tupp.
Lighter
We have dance church here too, TUPP! I was just talking to my aunt about all the different kinds of church she chould attend, as she's very sure she'd hate them all.
Celtic candlelit services. Very small afternoon widows only services. DANCE church!
Lots to choose from. Tell me what you like about it. Sometimes I hear people lean on you too much. Do you guys bounce off each other or stay in your own properly British spaces?
I'm glad "the cold" is loosening it's grip on you. I try to take those xylitol nose drops to head off a secondary infection, but I'm usually too pitiful to remember them when really sick. They were the difference in getting over a terrible sinus infection that lasted FOREVER in 2014, I'll say that. I was a believer. I have them. I should use them.
You heal up and think about what you want to talk to the T about next week.
Fartsneezcough away. You're on the mend! Maybe enjoy an epson salt bath.
::feeling Tupp's brow and bringing her broth with rice and fresh parsley flakes::
Self care, ((Tupp))
Lighter
Tupp,
As usual, I so identify with the long period of time where you have always had your son's welfare in the back of your mind, and have lost touch with complete relaxation. I have experienced that as well, and I'm not sure I'm past it yet myself!
So nice to see you out having fun with him though! Don't worry too much if you couldnt get into the wrestling stuff. It may not be your thing. Not being able to fully enter into the mood of the crowd isnt necessarily a symptom of your ability to have fun. I would rather be home with a cup of tea and book too!
CB
Hi again Tupp--
Wanted to add that your description of "dance church" reminded me of the side of the 60s that felt so good at the time...amid the stupidities of war and too many drugs....there were so many gatherings where the prevailing feeling really was love and acceptance. It was joyful at a time when joy was hard to find.
I hope that feeling will come back as people gather together to push back against the social and political darkness that has re-risen. Dance church reminds me it may not prevail.
Flower power!
Hugs,
Hops (on tenterhooks waiting for caucus results)
That is absolutely astonishing!
Extraordinary!
Wonderful!
I am blown away.
And yay for son! It's wonderful to think
of him feeling love.
(Does he have condoms? I know, AAACCK!)
But if you make sure that's in place, that teaching
(or find someone who's good at teaching it to young
men like him), then you can relax
More importantly, I'm dancing with you about the dead ogre's
disappearance into truly pointless particles.
Yay for you, Tupp. Way beyond yay.
hugs
Hops
Hi, Tup: )
Some of your post, around your EMDR sessions, was familiar. I'm thrilled you're able to work through so much so quickly and not surprised at all to see it. You're very focused and motivated so BRAVA to you and your T. Woo hoo! I hope you believe this is permanent. I think it is. I always get instructions to not think about whatever we worked on for a while. To let it sit.
Having the list of identified things to work on is so smart, IME. You can just get on with the work from the moment you walk in... no matter how you're feeling. Once that lists gone, maybe make another.
Can you share a bit about what you're doing in session? It's the T waving her hand in front of you... about 18", rather fast, with you following with your eyes, yes? Is it difficult to keep up with her hand? Do you sometimes really struggle? Is it easy other times? Sounds like you're doing some memory reconsolidation. I found it as amazing as you did: ) Can you ask her if she uses a particular template from a particular practitioner... or not. Just wondering and very excited for you.
About son's interests in a girl.... let us know what you think after you've digested for a bit.
I hope that internal spaciousness continues and grows. You know how to create it now.
Lighter
Tup, that was one of the things I noticed too.....
being about done with a task I was usually dreading or at least not looking forward to... and find it was done and over without anything but surprise it was done with zero angst or procrastination or ANY feelings of I HAVE TO DO THIS.
It just happens.... and timing improves..... very often now I stand up and take the garbage out just before the truck's coming. Never the same exact time, mind you. Maybe I'm able to hear the truck NOW, bc my mind has less chatter and imperatives and angst, kwim? Maybe.... my intuition is ON. Who knows.
It's amazing to realize I'm putting Baby Girl Pug's leash away after walking a couple miles and not noticing I'd made the decision to do it. I just stand up and GO, and maybe that's part of living in the moment. It's ALL IN THAT MOMENT. Zero thought to the past or future.. what I SHOULD do, what I MUST do... what I haven't been doing.... guilt, shame, judgment.... it's all brutal and life without it is different. It's a rare thing, in the beginning, IME. JUST being present in the moment is light and feels as though time is lubricated... movement is lubricated... there's no drag and no weighted down feel..... just ease and forward motion without.... drag. Yup yup yup.
This feeling was particularly noticeable after BIG T sessions. I think we can backslide, or feel as though we are when something particularly upsetting creates reactivity. Maybe it's just another opportunity to finish processing something that's been stuck and needs finishing up. Maybe we adjust to feeling better and forget how much better life is, but it's all hope and joy and forward movement, IME.
I feel the big strides have been permanent.
And I DO think ds benefits when you clear trauma, absolutely.
Your T uses some instruments we used in Brain Integration. It's all intertwined and understanding the science behind it helps me internalize the information too: )
I'm so happy for you!
Lighter
Oh
my
LORD
Tupp
(sed the agnostic).
That all took my breath away.
(As you got yours back. The right
to breathe.)
I am gobsmacked. So happy to read this.
hugs
Hops
Ya... that feeling of moving on rails... without drag.... no chatter going on around us.... just IN the moment... flowing. It's wonderful, Tupp and I'm so happy to read your update.
Remember you can always sit with the pain when it pops up, breathe and pay attention to it. Maybe do some EMDR around it yourself, give it a number.... breathe spaciousness INTO the pain.... check it and so forth till it's gone OR stops improving.
I'll be interested to hear how you and your neck are doing today!
The LEGOS made me so happy TOO!
And the physical release you're experiencing... I'm guessing you've been dealing with the pain since you were under so much stress as a child. I didn't have that kind of stress till I was in my 40's and I NOTICED all over the place. On this board. How stress just wrecked my body, in new and unexpected ways... once I was stuck on the bathroom floor unable to get up... my back and neck.... the floor was 105 degrees and I FELT NOTHING.
It's amazing you're free from pain and crunching in your neck after a bit of trauma work. I guess you're dealing with the cause and removing it rather than dealing with and treating symptoms.... all the difference, IME. And it makes complete sense when you have someone explaining the WHY of the process.
Very very happy for you, Tupp! And very happy for DS too: )
I can't get this smile off my face.
Lighter
I honestly feel now that I am constructively working my way through all of this. For the first time I feel like I can lean in to the process and it's alright, because I feel safe.
Tupp, if I could be any more gobsmacked I'd have to be gobhammered.
My lonely little-Hops heart went DIRECTLY to your terrible loneliness as a wee one.
I understand that awful feeling into my cells.
To hear how you allowed it, faced the story, recognized and validated little Tupp, released the heartbreak of her past-present and then guided her to a new story in your actual present....moved me very much.
May we never stop reaching out to other human beings, trusting that we can choose better and and choose the right people enough of the time, and believing in the possibility of good things also happening, for as long as we live!
Mega hugs,
Hops
Oh Tupp... I can soooo relate to what you experienced!! Even though my therapy was different (methods) - I had the very same experience of seeing my little self alone and so very bereft and sad. And yes, I know how we store trauma in our bodies.
The weird internalization of continuing to deny yourself pleasure bears more looking at over time; LOL - for me too. I was trying to explain it to Buck last night. In my case, it was directly about spending money in ways that I will ultimately benefit - the master bed/bath remodel, the Holly Hut... buying a plow for the garden.
If I can be ruthlessly honest a minute, I believe that feeling I have won't go completely away because I heard a sneaky Wormtongue voice in my head, telling me I was being SOOOOOO selfish. But if I use my "big girl brain" - and look at those 3 expenditures, other people will directly benefit too: Buck & obviously Holly & Steve. They'll have their very OWN house - to their liking even; and Buck won't hurt himself trying to step over the super-tall tub walls of that old jacuzzi tub (which is now in pieces on the "trash" trailer. The plow will let me FINALLY feed all these people REALLY fresh, good food.
In your case - feeling better is benefiting DS too. And you're able to relax around new people, and help them a bit too. I don't think I'll EVER become a spendthrift... but I do need to ease up on my self, when that reflex emotional aversion or worry about spending a little (to get a lasting benefit) comes up.
Maybe the last "reinforcement" of worrying about money comes from a Jimmy Buffett song that Mike was particularly fond of because for him it was true: In "A Pirate Looks at 40", there's a line - "made enough money to buy Miami and pissed it all away again". And Mike revelled in that mindset - which is why I was in control of finances - LOL.
Buck is like me; with the mindset of Scarlett O'Hara in Gone with the Wind (right before Intermission) when she vows she'll never be hungry again. LOL.
I remember what it felt like to go through what you just did Tupp; I'm smiling ear to ear for ya! I just wanna hug ya! That's such freedom... and I will tell you - even though the "old stuff" will return JUST in an echo of before... the freedom LASTS. You can trust it.
LOL... You'll get used to saying things are good, I think. Just takes practice. :D
I've been aware for a long time, that emotional seesawing is my nemesis. Dealing with mine, his, hers, theirs... the expectations that we can do something magical to help those we would, if we COULD... LOL. Navigating those boundaries, with kindness - but firmness...
oh... Calgon take me away... LOL.
I've been reading about your gale, Tupp...holy moly! So glad it didn't blow you over.
And what a delicious, peaceful, happy thing to read today. Your simple day with other humans. And the human in your head at peace.
Easy = happy.
I am SO loving seeing you have more happy.
Inexpressibly glad to read it....
Hugs
Hops
I'm so pleased to read your update, Tupp!
Not good or bad. Just comfortable.
Yes; )
Lighter
(((((Tupp)))))
What's extraordinary to me is that your healing is leading to the most important thing of all....experiencing the ordinary, in peace. Simple, beautiful peace.
It's extraordinary to me, too, Hops! I really didn't expect this to happen. I kind of hoped that this experience wouldn't be a bad one and that maybe I just could get to a point where I didn't feel so horrendously ill all the time. I really didn't dream that things could become easy :)
I know how amazing that is. The adrenalin has resumed its proper place, if you need it to avoid being hit by a bus or something. Very handy. But not needed for your daily life. I'm so so so glad.
It has, Hops, it's gone back in its box :) I was saying to the T yesterday that what's amazed me the most is that the changes I'm experiencing are very profound, but also very subtle. The years of childhood neglect that came up last week were so deeply ingrained in me I didn't even realise they were there. They were as much a part of me as my skin or my eyes (or any other body part :) ). Yet that deep change shifted so completely that all my self denial and neglect has evaporated, but in a very quiet and non-obvious way. It's a subtle change on the outside but it's because something huge happened inside. And it happened without me doing anything. I literally just sit there and watch a light go back and forth. Mind blowing.
I loved the image of your son stretching by the road. How his own stress is rolling off of him. It's beautiful. You both deserve this and you absolutely awe me by how determinedly you never gave up, you kept working at it and working at it and then took the risk of trusting the new T.
She was a good T to take a chance on, Hops, I'm really glad I was willing to give it one more go :) And yes, son seems to be experiencing positive benefits from it as well. He's wearing his ear defenders far less as well - just saying that his ears don't hurt as much. It will be amazing if this helps both of us :)
That was an enormously bold, brave and mature act. I am so thrilled for you. And I hope the peaceful ordinary just goes on and on. If there are days out of sync I have no fear whatsoever that you'll get right back to it again. It's in you now and your body and mind won't forget how peace feels.
Thanks, Hops :) One of the things I was thinking about yesterday is the feeling now that, if something hideous happens in the future (which of course it might, none of us are immune to that), I can just go for a few sessions to sort it out. I felt that I had completely lost my resilience to any kind of setback over this last year or so and that really scared me - how do you get through life if you can't cope with anything negative happening? And that had worried me a lot. But now I feel that (a) things will affect me less because I don't have as much baggage to carry around anyway, and (b), I've got a way of dealing with things now if they are too big for me to manage on my own.
I'm so happy this is happening in your life. What's even more amazing to me is that you are such a fine writer that when you share these accounts, I can see/feel/imagine it so vividly, and it becomes even more real.
Thanks, Hops :) I am having to write it all down because it doesn't feel real :) I want to be able to remember it and make sense of it. I'm finding it really difficult to get my head around how it's working. It's like she's rubbing out all the bad experiences and giving me a clean slate to start working from.
Your honesty, your talent for storytelling, and your courage...have added up to these moments. I don't know when I've ever heard anything more inspiring. Thank you.
Thank you! All of you, you all help me so much through so many things and I don't think anyone else would understand how much this therapy is helping because I don't think anyone in the real world actually knows how much has gone on over the years?
I've shared far more on here than I ever have anywhere else. I'm really glad that you're all here for me to share good news with!
And I hope there's more to share in the future, too :)
hugs
Hops
It's like flipping a switch, isn't it, Tupp?
I'm very glad to read your updates as I'm not as the island presents many opportunities to practice being present. I've pushed on walls, breathed my lungs out for 4 hours today, noticed when I'm living in my amygdala.....lots and lots if practice.
Lighter
Sweet dreams, proud Mama Tupp!
Over the mooooooooooon about what's happening for you.
Huge hugs,
Hops
I'm so happy for you, Tupp. You sound content to be in the kitchen, editing and cleaning the house...... finishing up files, making decisions that please ONLY YOU, wooo hoo!
I think this is what they call.....
flow?
::nodding happily::.
The lack of chatter...
lack of dread....
lack of reactivity is noticeable in my life too. I've stopped waiting for the other shoe to fall. It believe it won't be back.
Sleep is healing and it's wonderful to read you're sleeping better. YAY! YAY!
Congrats on canceling the meeting that gained you nothing. I'd love to hear more about how you might have handled that in the past and how things have changed around that decision making process.
You sound like you're surfin real good: )
Lighter
I'm jotting down my observations as they come up and trying to just notice things and not attach blame or anything else to them. It feels like you're getting the very most from every second of T, Tupp. Taking notes and planning ahead for sessions. THIS is paying attention to your internal world..... this is what you're leaning and DOING. YES.A lot came up about my step-dad this week. A few other things have niggled - doctor's form coming through, same doc hasn't sent me some information I requested but has found the time to send me stuff I didn't request. Unnecessary meeting with college (and everything behind that), son's birthday - still waiting for responses from two people which is starting to cause him anxiety. All of these kids have similar problems so it does bug me that other parents don't get on and deal with things when they know it might be causing one of the others problems. No word from friends over half term - all waiting for me to visit them. And so on. It's been fine, none of these things are affecting me anywhere near as much as they have before and I'm just seeing them ping up and getting on with what I was doing anyway. But I did wake up early hours of the morning and I could feel his weight crushing me. A whole load of very intense physical flashbacks came then and it was very horrible and unpleasant. I got up, made up my nest on the sofa and got in it and cried. I'm going to ask T if we can work on all those physical things at the next session and I'm scheduling myself a week off afterwards because I think letting all of that lot out might have a big impact. I invite you to make a list of the horrible things that come up.... little sentences you can hand the T for next session so you get on with the session and not explaining what needs attention... maybe. Not sure, but it seems you've identified the next issue. Honestly, it feels like your T moves with economy of motion and gets to the issues without frittering any time away.
It's an amazing shift to understand leaning into the pain of our past leads to immediate lasting relief. You're doing a splendid job with this, TUPP!
In other news - bumped into a friend yesterday who is one of the ones I've hardly seen since we moved down and who hasn't been very supportive of the horrible situation I was in last year. She has cancer - second time for her and she's having chemo. I'm sorry to read that, Tupp.
I've noticed that I've been able to detach myself from the situation and look at things objectively and just accept my feelings for what they are and not need to justify them to myself, which is good. She's looking in to alternative treatments and general health and wellbeing type stuff and I offered to get information together for her. We met up after lunch and talked. I noticed how much freer some people are with talking very openly about their personal information in public spaces. I would only feel comfortable talking about things like that indoors, with no-one else around, or very quietly in a public space, but even then I would be very selective about what I say. She was nicer to my son than she was the last time we saw her. Last time we visited her (and it's been one of the reasons I haven't been back over) she walked away from him mid sentence, as he was telling her about something. He was absolutely crushed. Things like that really upset him. I realised this morning that I should have said something about that at the time. I won't bring it up now as I don't feel it's appropriate given what else is going on but it made me make a little note to myself that I do need to be more willing to speak at the moment something happens, or very soon afterwards. I've noticed I can speak up with compassion and without anxiety some of the time, but not all of the time. Sometimes it correlates with BIG stress happening without rumination. Rumination seems to build reactivity or reactivity builds rumination?
Staying out of the amygdala is likely the trick... I guess. Things like that catch me out and my priority is always to protect son so I focus on him first, and then the moment passes. So I will need to work on that. I can picture you handling that moment..... without drama or conflict.... something like...."You know, ds is telling you a story.... Lets allow him to finish before moving on."
Then you smile with expectation and compassion for everyone in the room.
I also woke up this morning feeling sad because I don't really feel like we are friends anymore. Too much time has passed without any contact and I don't feel the connection that I used to. I'll help her out, of course, but I just have an awareness again of being the one that helps, rather than the one that socialises or the one whose company is desired. Not attaching any blame or reasoning to it, it's just how I feel and I'm acknowledging it and letting it go. It's OK to be sad. It's human to process loss and make peace with it.
Weekend is here :) I've been making a list of nice things I want to do at home - sewing projects, photos I want to rearrange, furniture I want to upcycle and so on. I'm planning on spending the weekend doing those jobs and will probably make more brownies as well (they were delicious, quick to make and they're good to put in your bag for a snack later in the day). Brownies are comforting and lovely to share, IME. I really want to start enjoying my life again. Thank you all for being there and listening, it means a lot :) xx
It's amazing... and hard to believe sometimes, isn't it? How different it is to look forward to life again. To have joy and be excited about tomorrow... isn't it?
You're strong and smart and I can't wait to read about your creative projects: ) Is anything planned for the garden?
Lighter
Tupp, I'm amazed and so happy for you about the honest sharing from your sister. Healing that relationship, if it continues, could heal a lot about the past.
It also sounds to me as though you took it on (her revelations) without taking it IN (making it your problem). And that is brilliant. So important.
Be aware of taking care of yourself, even while this unfolds....
Wow. Your life is like a blooming crocus. It's as though you had winter for years and real spring is arriving.
hugs
Hops
Well done, Tupp!
Life is easier when co-dependant habits drop away. So much nicer to offer help, when it's asked for. Nice to pitch in IF we have time and energy and not out of reactivity and need to fix things for other people. To help without sacrificing or needing a certain outcome. Nice: )
I like reading about you relaxing into your life, without worry.... trusting you'll do what needs doing when you get to it. I notice that in my life too.
I danced in the kitchen and sang LOW with youngest dd today. Even though we have tons of laundry and cleaning to do.... there's time for joy, and honestly... joy is an imperative. Cleaning is..... necessary.
Apple Bottom jeans... boots with the fur... the whole club was looking at her... she hit the floor... next thing you know, Shorty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low....
SO MUCH FUN!
Lighter
Oh, Tupp.... I believe you'll have many more days like this.
You're puzzling out the code for your life.
I don't think you'll ever go back to the way things were. You're growing and changing.... there's an amazing upward trajectory of understanding....
shedding reactivity. Recognizing reactivity.
Sure, negative stuff's going to pop up every once and again, but that's just something asking for attention. You're learning how to tend to yourself with a T and on your own.
There's just no way you'll go backward, IME.
::nodding::.
I'm stopping for a moment to celebrate what you've achieved in this short time, Tupp.
Really....
fantastik work.
::clapping happily for sister Tupp!::.
Lighter
Hello my lovely friends, well, this week is not going quite so well. The sexual abuse stuff is coming up thick and fast and my T is away at the moment, back next week (appointment already booked). My anxiety has been high due to son going back to college (he's been in one day and is already exhausted) and trying to sort out his birthday has been stressful and busy. My uncle passed as I mentioned and I'm not able to go to the funeral as mum and step-dad will be there. This has made me feel sad as it's another way my mum's tentacles still control aspects of my life but I'll go and visit my aunty another time;Yes, you will. And you can write a letter to your Uncle, or make a collage and build a fire and the Amazons will meet you there and help you grieve and find closure with your Uncle. Whatever you need to do, you can do without going to the service. I have explained it to her and she understands. I'm sure that feels comforting for you both. I've run out of my cannabis oil which had been helping a lot; it's a few weeks now since I had some and I am really feeling the difference, plus I am pre-menstrual so that usual things are going on there. All in all it's been a difficult few days but I am just putting one foot in front of the other and keeping on moving. How do you get more oil? I had a feeling my mum was going to get in touch and I was right. She has sent my son a birthday card which I've opened (he doesn't know and I won't be showing it to him). It's an endlessly gushing card about what a wonderful grandson he is and in it she's enclosed a photograph of her favourite photo of him, a photo of a star that someone has bought him (she doesn't say who, of course) and has written him a letter where she talks about how much she loves and missed him, talks to his photo Holy F. every day and that she has photo albums of him from when he was little which she will give to me if I arrange for someone to collect them and if not, she will give them to his Dad. Crazy wench. It is just full of little digs at me and this is how she manipulates - who gave her my address (again?). I've found it's really difficult to stay off the grid, Tupp. Maybe she found you on the internet somehow. Through one of the . employees in an agency with that information? And... does it matter at this point how, or if she has it? I'm posing that question seriously.Why is she in contact with my son's dad when I (and he) are not? Because she has very little ways to reach out and touch you now, Tupp. That man is one way and as you can tell.... she's got your attention. Who bought him a star and gave it to her? And so on. It's not that I care - I really don't anymore, they can all coexist in their mad little cesspit and carry on being arseholes And they will.- it's just that I can see the way her mind works and how she gaslights and triangulates and deceives people, herself included. Some things never change, unfortunately. But they will end. My sister spoke to her yesterday about the huge drama that blew up over the weekend between them (my mum's brother in law has died so of course all attention has to be on mum, she can't have anyone focus too much on his widow). My sister left it for a couple of days and then tried to talk to my mum and she said she just shape shifts. She denies saying or doing anything and then when presented with other people who heard her say it claims they misheard or they're lying. Once she sees she can't convince anyone of anything else she goes in to victim mode and it's all about how awful everyone is to her, how she'd be better off never speaking because everyone misunderstands her and she always seems to put her foot in it and so on. That seems to be catching up to her now. I do find myself wondering again if she might be autistic (as I wonder the same thing about myself as well) but that aside, I think there is still a lot of other stuff going on there (the kind of deceit and gaslighting that goes on is so much more than misunderstanding conversation or misreading body language, for example). She really is just batty. Yup.
I am trying to ignore but I can feel it rising up in my chest and I wonder, again, why on earth she keeps doing this, but more than that, why other people keep feeding her and helping her do it. That's the more frustrating question, IMO too. Disordered people do disordered things, bc they're disordered.
The enablers have more complicated reasons, IME and we won't figure either out, IME. Getting to the point where we don't need or want to figure it out is a relief of grand proportions, IME. I'm just going to get on with my day but honestly, my lovely friends, right now I feel like I want to be sitting on a tropical beach with my son with no phone, no internet and no way on or off the beach so that she just can't bloody get to us. I think you're on your beach now, Tupp. I think you have the power to find your beach if you lose it. Your family sometimes walks onto your beach, but I think you have the power to limit or barr them permanently when it's time. Stupid, silly, pointless woman. I am deep breathing and carrying on with getting things ready for tomorrow xx you're doing such a great job of noticing this stuff as it comes up and naming it. Your mother's been in contact with son's f before. I think it speaks to her inability to reach you in other ways. I think these are her final negative gasps in your life and inner world... considering the work you're doing and material you're working through with new T.
Keep breathing, ((Tupp)) I'm looking forward to update after next T appointment, should you choose to share: )
Lighter
I can see the way her mind works and how she gaslights and triangulates and deceives people, herself included.
My sister spoke to her yesterday about the huge drama[....]
I think you're crushing it, Tupp. You keep doing what you neeed to do. You honor yourself and your instincts. Rest when you can and need to.
I'm guessing the next appt with T will be an amazing exorcism of Mum/SF issues. Yup yup yup.
((Tupp))
Happy Birthday to darling boy. Pizza and cake, yum!
Lighter
((((Tuppp))))))
I thought I had posted this reply to you yesterday, dunno what happened. Two facts popped up for me from your earlier post:QuoteI can see the way her mind works and how she gaslights and triangulates and deceives people, herself included.
Yes. That is just so clear, and has been for so long. It's who she is, you are no longer yearning for her to be something else, because you've accepted this reality. And, you're no longer welcoming it into your mind or heart or home. Annoying to get a card periodically, but you can quickly dispose of it. And she's getting too old to intimidate with visits, imo. You really have moved into a new chapter, Tupp, don't forget.
ANDQuoteMy sister spoke to her yesterday about the huge drama[....]
Though it may be healing and wonderful to have understanding and new connection with your sister, Tupp, I hope you'll forgive some unsolicited advice just now. I think this is a really important juncture for you. What you might consider if you're open to doing this is reminding yourself that despite loving your sister and being glad you've reconnected, your ongoing commitment to your own well-being is going to mean boundaries with her, too. She will be full of need to express HER stuff about your mum. But that's HER work on HER timetable. You are way way way farther along and don't need to go back to square one.
My point is, here's a great opportunity to practice simple assertiveness. No anger or fear needed, just that you could practice assertive statements with sis, because it's good for you to remember you are not a human sponge. Even though it feels natural in a moment to absorb a lot of mum-info...in fact it does still impact you if there's too much of it. That's all I'm saying. Not a phobic never-speak-her-name thing, but just....Tupp to self: how much of this is good for me to do today, kind of thing.
Statements such as:
"I'm glad you called, it means a lot to me that we talk. I'm just up for about 10-minutes of Mum-stuff today though."
"I understand, you know I do. But that's it for me on Mum for this time. How is [something else in Sis' life] going?"
OR...
"Hey, it's good to hear your voice! But today I'm not into talking about Mum. Let's catch up about [whatever] though....blah and blah."
"Been thinking of you and hope things are going better. Have a few minutes?"
These are not brilliant "scripts" (those links I plonked somewhere a day or two ago, with assertiveness techniques, are full of ideas)...but the gist is, YOU can stay aware of how much detail about your Mum you want to take in at any given moment. You can take care of yourself in that moment without forgetting it. It's okay to do that, in fact it's wise to.
Still celebrate the healing potential of connecting with your sister. I just hope you'll hang on to the boundaries and assertiveness tools as simple self protection, because you deserve to continue your healing work with the T while not upending it during contacts with your sister. And those contacts with sis are a great opportunity to experience how you can do it. If you find you can't, you have that right, too.
I believe you can do this. It's really just a dance of self-care, self-love. Nobody else has to approve of it and your sis doesn't have to fully understand it either. When assertiveness becomes natural and calm (it's never about anger, as that's just fear) and routine...it's just a serene new way of taking care of ourselves and interacting with others. And this could be a great opportunity to practice it. Or so it sounds so far to me.
I'm happy for you, Tupp.
Hugs
Hops
Particularly bc your sister is processing that now, sharing her pain..... sharing how she'd feel if you came back into mum's life as the golden child again. That's very sad, but it's your sister's work to do.
It is, but it's a weird one because I didn't want to be the Golden Child and it wasn't actually nice being that. I only got that role because I conformed, did what she wanted, kept quiet about step dad abusing me and so on. It was probably as bad for me as it was for my sis, but in a different way, and it feels funny because it probably looked to everyone else like I was in a favourable position. But I really wasn't. I understand that and it's very frustrating to have your reality viewed so completely upside down by people, who really SHOULD know better, but just don't.
I think your sister's abusive treatment colors everything for her. Maybe as she moves through this she'll be able to really SEE the entire FOO, and the truth. Maybe it will be super healing for you both.
And I definitely do not, in a million years, want the mad bat anywhere near me (or my son!) now. So it's one of those funny, entirely theoretical situations that doesn't make any sense, isn't relevant in any real way anymore, but still causes problems. It's so weird. I think it's your sister's inner child mourning and hoping and struggling with what happened to her.
I'm just hoping my sis gets a decent T and not one that doesn't get it (and as she's being treated on the NHS the chances of getting a decent one are very slim). A trauma informed T.... those are important buzz words, IME.It's funny listening to my sister re-telling the rows because she and my mum really go at it and my sister doesn't hold back, she says it like it is. I bent over backwards trying to talk to my mum in a way that was non-confrontational, didn't place blame on her, used lots of "I feel" statements and so on. I think I only blew my stack at her twice. It's interesting that neither way works with her :) I think your sister has unrealistic expectations for your mum.... to somehow get mum to SEE, understand, do better. I think sis tries very hard and cares very much what mum thinks. Lol. I'm looking forward to the next T appointment. I feel like the step-dad stuffYou is stuck in my chest - I literally can feel something sitting there. I wonder if you can shift it yourself... breathing into the stuck energy..... breathing space around it. Nothing more than that. Just noticing the way it feels, and giving it attention..... creating space around it. Give it a number first if you're going to try so you can see if there's a shift. So I'm looking forward to getting rid of that and I think it will probably take some other stuff with it as well xxThe way you've responded with this T and the EMDR I have zero doubt you'll move through this, process it OUT of your body and brain. When I have time I want to go back and re read about your first sessions!
Amazing; ) Light
there will be no letter, of any kind, sent to mum.
Isn't it nice to know you're processing your childhood and your sis plans to process also.
It's leading to feeling better, and that's all good, IME, (((Tupp))).
Yes yes yes to unsent letters.
Lighter
Quotethere will be no letter, of any kind, sent to mum.
WHEW. I was so relieved to read that, Tupp. I was gearing up to write you all the ways I think that could be a step backward, into the sticky web. I imagine that the new contact with Sis, which is meaning a lot to you, is double-edged. And how much care and strength it's going to take to fight off the seductive magnetism of getting back into the situation (again) and somehow, in some way, even just with a letter, unconsciously trying to fix it (again).
So I'm cheering on everything you do to protect your new serenity and continue to learn the new tools and allow that strength and self-care skill to build until self-love is automatic. As you have been doing so very successfully in recent weeks. Just remember, these revelations and new skills are NEW, and worthy of protecting.
It just might be a little early to take a new emotional risk or rock the emotional boat, is what I mean. It was great to read you'd already come to the same conclusion about not sending the letter. Sure needs no justification at ALL. It's very wise, imo.
Just as you couldn't fix your Mum, you can't fix Sis either. You CAN love and care, as long as you can do it without letting yourself yield to that primal pull of re-involvement. That's getting a little more difficult, it sounds like.
Consider not just your time on the phone, but the time and emotional effort it also takes you to process all that's getting brought up during those calls. Count it all, as you measure the impact on you. (Not saying don't talk to Sis. Just saying, evaluate it with dedication, every time. Until the right No's feel effortless, and come out like anything else that's true and sane.)
I hope you'll feel clear and firm and calm about treating your boundaries there like the treasure they are.
Hugs
Hops
Hey, friend,
You were ready to come over here and kick M's arse when I was having a rough time with him, so the LEAST I could do is pull you back from a cliff edge if I see you wobbling!
Never fear, we'll all be here.
Big hugs,
Hops
Well I am just going to update the latest session of awesomness with the EMDR lady before I park myself on the sofa for a nap :)
The day did not start well. We had to walk home from the cinema last night in the dark and the pouring rain (missed the bus by one minute, next one due an hour later, nowhere warm to wait so tried to get a taxi but everyone else had the same idea so after twenty minutes of trying for a cab we walked. It's only about half an hour to walk and on a sunny day it's nice, but in the cold and the rain at the end of a long day - not so much). Anyway, it was still raining this morning and my coat hadn't dried completely from the night before so I was stood at the bus stop in a damp coat, in the wind and the rain - and the bus didn't turn up. By the time the next one arrived we'd missed our connecting bus so we were late to college (and it was still raining). I usually pick up a few groceries, catch the bus home, potter around for an hour and a half and then catch the bus back for my appointment, (THAT sounds like a nice ritual, Tupp. I'm sorry you had such a rough night and morning ((((Tupp and son.)))but due to everything being late there was no point going home as I'd have only been in half an hour before needing to go out again. And if that bus didn't arrive then I'd have to walk back to town, in the rain, and I just didn't want to. Sound's like a very reasonable choice. So I was not having the best time by the time I got there :) Lol Well, you can still laugh about it. There's that. I guess it it makes snuggling into warm blankets feel really really good, huh?
Anyway, I said that I'd been having these physical flashbacks and that I'd like to work through that. What I like about the sessions is that she doesn't question anything I say. There's an immediate acceptance - this is what Tupp wants to work on. We're working on it. And we just crack on. I'm always mesmerized by your written experience with your T, Tupp. She seems like a really good fit for you, whoo hoo.
She asked me what physical sensations I had right at that moment, in the here and now. I said a terrible tightness across my chest that spreads up across my shoulders, neck and head and makes me feel like the whole top section is being compressed. She asked me, on a scale of 1 to 10, how comfortable I felt with what we were going to deal with. I said 8 - pretty confident we could do it, but slightly concerned that it might be so big we didn't get through it in the session and I had to take it home, unleashed. And also just a little scared of, once it's gone, what then? I do think the things that happen in your formative years become part of who you are, and it kind of worries me that you're taking a chunk of yourself out and what might happen then? ((Tupp))
So we started with that and as I watched the little light go back and forth I became aware of feeling utterly, utterly terrified and feeling like I was in my bedroom at home and that he was standing outside the door.
We worked with that and I started to get terrible pains in my groin area, like period pain. I felt as if I couldn't breathe through my nose or mouth and the pain across my shoulders was excrutiating. We paused again - she varies the pace, some things we work through quite fast, other things we pause, breath, welcome the sensation and so on. I like the mixture.
I started to get intense pain in my wrists and then my entire left side felt as if it died. I couldn't feel anything there at all. That subsided and then I just felt numb. There was nothing in my head, I couldn't focus on anything, couldn't sense what was going on. She said she thought it was possible that I'd disassociated during the rape and that was the next part of the memory. We worked through it and I started to feel like the two side of my body were knitting together (I have always felt like my body is in two distinct halves. It's very odd, I can even feel it when I do yoga, I have to really concentrate to get both sides to do something at the same time - I have to move my focus from one side to the other to feel it. It's very odd). There was a tension in my groin area and I just kind of felt it pop. And then this relief washed through me and I've just never felt anything like it.
Emotions were coming up as well - I wanted my mum to come and save me, but equally knew she wouldn't because she'd seen him do other things and never did anything. I do think men like him can sense the kind of mums that won't protect their kids. It's very scary. We worked through it. I felt responsible for the attack, guilty, bewildered. I felt a need to protect my mum from knowing what had happened. We had to kind of chase the pain up and down through my body. At one point my jaw felt like it would shatter, it was so tight, and then it just started to relax. We chased it round and around and eventually I could only feel pain in two of my teeth. And then it was gone.
She told me to imagine him outside the door again, and I could see a faint outline of him as he was back then - a huge man, very strong, very physically fit, very intimidating. But I could only see that man faintly. In front of him was a very frail, pathetic old man who just kept getting smaller and smaller until he wasn't there at all. She asked me if he was still there and I said, he is, very faintly, but I feel like if I went out there now and he really was there, I wouldn't give him a second thought. We worked on that some more. Then she asked if I still felt responsible for what he did. I said absolutely not. She asked if I felt afraid of him and for the first time in 35 years the answer was no. I genuinely didn't feel scared of him anymore. I can't even describe how I felt because it was just kind of nothing. I just felt like I was sitting in a chair, in a room, holding a couple of buzzy things in my hands watching a light go back and forth. There just wasn't anything else there.
So - we're home. I'm exhausted and will definitely be having a lazy evening. But I feel exhausted in a good way and I am once again flabbergasted at what this is doing for me. Your bravery and willingness to dig deep is heroic, Tupp. I think you squeeze the absolute optimum out of every appointment. Thank you so much for sharing. It's nap time my lovelies, I will let you know how I sleep! xx
Hear! Hear! Memory reconsolidation rocks! Your brain is ready and up for doing the work. I'm not surprised, I'm just.... so..... happy for you!
Nap, replenish..... know you're safe, dear, Tupp. So happy for you: )
Lighter
Stunning.
Absolutely stunning, Tupp.
I'm so happy to read this.
It's amazing and wonderful and gentle and extraordinarily hopeful.
Enjoy normal. Enjoy not surging with adrenaline all day. Enjoy your naps, shows, moments, kitty visits, and peace.
Hugs
Hops
Tupp:
How's it going over the pond?
You guys OK?
Lighter
There you are, Tupp.
I'm frustrated too, but happy you and ds are doing OK.
And.... do you see yourself as being negative? How else were you going to respond? Is there a positive way to speak that kind of truth? Please don't apologize. Not here.
I'm glad you ordered in cold meds and are being proactive with staying healthy, as is your way. Have schools closed there yet?
Lighter
Tupp:
I nodded through your entire post. Particularly the wake-up call to the West... identifying causes and addressing them instead of finger-pointing and fear-mongering so everyone loses.
You've done so much work with your T. I found myself thinking I should've taken a break Jan and Feb from T. A break sounds timely to me too.
Our medical system will be swamped too. We don't have the ability to deal with the outbreak either.... not enough ventilators or beds... IC or anything.
My friend and her husband have been released from the hospital... but have to quarantine themselves in their home for 2 weeks: 0
People aren't going to be able to just stay home, IME.
Lighter
I guess it's time to start carrying little bottles of handsoap in our bags, Tupp. And maybe our own hand drying towels. Certainly we need to stop touching doorknobs and faucets with our hands. They're germy when CV19 isn't going around.
I updated friend's story on the other thread.
Wanna hear a weird story? I got gas today in the truck, which I haven't driven in a while so.... just to start and keep fluids moving. When I got back IN the truck the ding ding ding would not shut up. I mean... I checked EVERYTHING and still... just on and on and on.
I turned off engine. Started it again and it just kept on. About the time I considered finding the fuse for that I just stopped and breathed for a minute. Hmmm... what if?
What if I'm supposed to use sanitizer and what if I had some in the truth? I went through the console and there was an old bottle... I picked it up. DING DING DING...
I thought... what if I open this lid and the DING stops?
I just looked at the bottle for a bit....
then opened it and what do you think happened the very second I did?
Yup.
The DING stopped.
That sent me sanitizing everything I'd touched, steering wheel... keys, etc.
Prolly just a coincidence.
::nodding::.
Lighter
Is there a good chance your mum has neighbors or nearby friends and is having the same conversations everyone is about how to keep safe?
I know you're yearning for contact and torn about it, but consider that you don't have to be the one responsible for conveying the info to her.
Only you can decide, but I'd just hate for sudden contact with her to set you back when you've worked SO hard for your tranquility. One of the dangers of cabin fever would be rumination on the past. (My D has crossed my mind a lot lately, but I'm sticking to the silence as I know she always has people in her life. And if she is deteriorated in some way she's beyond my capacity to help her regardless. If I got the virus and were deteriorating myself, I'd leave a voicemail goodbye. But unless that's happening, I'll leave it be.)
But you know best what you can handle. Just sit with the impulse a bit first, is all I mean. That's part of taking care of yourself. Then you'll know whether to yield to it.
Big hugs
Hops
Thanks, ((((((Tupp)))))).
I probably should be washing my hands more but I haven't been out much for a week (my last contact was Wednesday for a quick dr. appt--no physical contact with anyone there nor in fact did I see anyone else--and she disinfects everything between clients, and has a sign requiring people to go wash hands before entering her office). Self-isolation otherwise had begun Monday evening. Since then, nobody in my house, no touching, etc.--social distancing.
I did get a lovely dinner from a neighbor who is not quite as vigorous about self isolation as I am. It's tricky; she handed it to me in a plastic bag, so best I could do was discard the bag and wash hands after pouring the stew out of her container into my own bowl and putting her container in the dishwasher. Awkward. But I think okay.
She and I may take some walks together but I'm not sure she'll be comfortable sticking to six feet apart. I took a walk with Pooch yesterday evening and though our street is usually full of walkers, I only saw one young couple with a stroller. Called to them (across the street), how are you enjoying your quarantine? And they said fine, but it's only been one day! M and I are on the phone and email each day to catch up; so far, he's having an actually happy time, working on his book with no distractions.
This neighborhood is pretty good; caring people posting offers on a neighborhood website to fetch food or Rx, call and offer listening or just comfort if anyone's feeling isolated. We just had our first confirmed case reported this morning in the city.
I think it'll come here slowly and in general, we MIGHT get off easy. It's a very educated population who take science seriously and events have been cancelled right and left. I worry about the hospital if it takes off too fast, but worry is useless.
We'll see how isolation affects folks over time. I'm stunned by the UK recommendation that older people self-isolate for four months. That's wise but astonishing. It'll be so hard for many to do. I hope the good character of most people comes out in this.
Hugs,
Hops
I see it as you see it, Tupp.
Class.
It's still about privilege, power, money and class.
And it shouldn't be.
But it is.
Hops
Over here, they just expanded Medicare coverage to include telemedicine.
So if you are seeing a T, you can do it with Skype, FaceTime, etc.
I'm glad about this. Hate tech and don't enjoy video meetings generally,
but the T sessions should work okay this way.
Is that possible for you, Tupp? Or something similar?
hugs
Hops
SIX feet apart not "next to."
Even if it's embarrassing.
I've found here that people are benevolent about when you cross to the other side of a path or stand back six feet. There are understanding smiles. Even if there aren't, it's right to do this and those who do it are helping everyone else, whether they recognize it or not.
I'm happy for you, Tupp. I don't think it matters to draw a thick firm line under "finishing" with T...the lovely thing is you've done amazing work and it's worked amazingly for you, and you have decided you will keep that door open for yourself and walk back through it without shame if more things come up that need that kind of brilliant attention.
With that assurance, Pope Hops gives you her blessing to take a break!
I'm really glad you're seeing the GP kick into gear. Things must feel less inhumane with those steps going on. Screw the politicians. It's the actual bureaucrats who are caring about us now!
Big hugs,
Hops
(((((Tupp)))))
I wish there were a way for you to stockpile enough basics to stay home entirely for three weeks (except for walks).
It worries me about you regularly shopping.
Disabuse me!
Hugs
Hops
Don't forget music....
and dancing: )
When I read your thread, Tupp....
it feels like the air thins out and cools down....
in my lungs.
Fresh and joyful and new.
How did dance church go?
Lighter
Good for you, (((((Tupp))))).
I think grounding is something that is there like earth and gravity, and sometimes we lose track a little and then get it back. You've been doing an amazing job, creative as always. I would love to enjoy your squeaky-clean home with the scent of incense. Is there any puttering in the dirt you could do in the garden? Does garden mean a patch of earth in front of your place, or is it out back? Does it get any sun?
I woke up today thinking: enjoy your home and love your friends. I just kept thinking it. Maybe it represented the same thing...reminding myself to be present, enjoy the moment, enjoy love, and try not to pick up on all the anxiety in the air.
I don't often think of it but the famous prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr also occurred to me, which have always struck me as wonderful even though I'm not a believer:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Big hugs, you're not alone...and I am so happy you're here.
Hops
I'm happy to have you here too, Tupp.
I loved reading about your alter.... I can almost smell the essential oils.... I took a bath with an orange-scented candle in the bathroom.
Little things bring pleasure if we find the focus.
Lighter
I'm appreciating every drop of water I run, Tupp.
Every lovely bath.
Every lovely candle and scented oil... and Epson salts too.
I have peppermint soaps.... I'm not the flowery scented type. Give me citrus and medicinal please: )
Lighter
I love the image of doing simple productive things, at your own pace, with music and sunlight, Tupp. What a contrast to frenetic survival. I'm so glad ... it's as though ironically, quarantine is a welcoming respite. I get it.
And here's to avoiding supermarkets, for the duration.
I'm glad you have a back yard, too. Even small puttering in dirt can bring happiness. Growing a couple flowers or herbs in a pot. Any old pot, plastic jug, whatever. Doesn't matter when you can see beauty.
I am "ready" to garden again. One thing during my depressed springs was, I never stopped composting. I don't turn or work the pile, just add to it, and let nature water. So though it's super sloooow, it's there. Mostly leaves, tea bags minus the tags, produce trimmings. I forgot to do toilet roll cores but will start tearing them up and adding them too. Makes me happy to take my kitchen bowl of scraps out there once a week. No oils or animal anything keeps it clear of visitors.
"Here, earth. I'm a lazy, crap gardener but I give you this."
hugs,
Hops
I love making soups and stocks, Tupp. It's very comforting.
::nodding::
Lighter
I'm glad you got through the EMDR too. What an amazing time frame. Seems like it was meant to be.
It's warm here.... bees everywhere. I found one in the house today. Are you guys experiencing a burst of spring life in your neighborhood?
Lighter
It got HOT here yesterday. This morning was mild and nice to work in the moss and yard. I have to get the garden ready for planting. I think I'm excited about it?
Lighter
I'm sorry, Tupp.
I hope you can find your serenity again soon.
Lighter
I really get it, Tupp. I hit the wall yesterday. Just felt weighted down with all of it and our county extended our shelter in place to May 20th unless something miraculous happens which means we're not half way through. I really do enjoy the peace and solitude--my son and I are doing remarkably well and it helps so much that he is still working full time from home.
But! nights are hard. Sometimes awful. I turn on the radio at night and it is BBC and your news is so painful. Ours too--its like watching a movie where the music is getting ominous but nothing has happened yet. I typically pause the movie at that point and go then take a break and come back later (I'm no good with suspense!) but for this I just want it to be over. One son that I would like to stop going to the grocery store. One son who is still working in ICU. Everyone else is in, but the solitude can be wearing on mental health and that's another thing.
I'm so glad about your son. I can just see him puttering around and happy. I really get it, how happy and comforted that makes you. Yesterday my son (who lives with me) and my son (who lives 5 hours away, alone) played a multiplayer online game for hours and it just made me feel SO GOOD to know that they were happy and laughing even though I was having a hard day in the other part of the house. No use all of us having a bad day at the same time!
Today is better--a little more sun than we've been having. I got all my groceries that were "resting" in the foyer put away and got a good look at what I have and what is getting low. Probably won't be able to replenish the things that are getting low like eggs, since everyone else is low as well. I think if I went into the store, I could find eggs, but I'm just not going to. I figure if I were on the farm, there were parts of the year where there were no eggs--although not THIS time of year. This time of year we were swimming in them.
I have found that the things that I am low on will come back around to being available on a different day, so if you can substitute and get by for a couple of days, Tupp, check on those that are scarce right now and see if they are more plentiful then . It might be worth it above going out. They are saying in the States that our next 2 weeks will be the worst so I'm just not going to do any more shopping.
I was so sad to hear that your PM was hospitalized since that's generally not a good sign. He's not my favorite world leader, but its still so sad to see someone become that ill. I listened to your Queen's address the other day and it was really encouraging--we have so little encouragement from our leaders that it made me cry to hear her.
I think that a couple more weeks and we will be turning a corner--at least I hope so.
CB
Smart idea about the early walks, Tupp.
Nature is still here, the planet is serene, and I find it helps so much to just be one of their creatures sometimes, taking advantage of fresh air and a spot of sunlight.
CB, I'm glad you're weathering it so well. I've decided on a news shutdown in the evenings, as that's when my psyche is least well defended from the global pain. Instead I'm doing silly things like watching young black male musicians on YouTube who are doing what is called "reaction" videos...taking in some of the music from the sixties and seventies they had no clue about. Watching their faces melt listening to the Righteous Brothers has been magical.
I've decided I'm ready to shelter (except for M's house) until 2021! It's simpler in my case since I'm not working. But the quiet is good for me. I feel extremely lucky to even be able to do this. And I keep casting back to the great depression my mother's family survived, on gardens, chickens and skim milk donated from a farmer. She made it. They mostly made it. And in my pleasant circumstances with my back yard, even if I have to hire helpers, I can make it too.
I think I'm just going to take this as a new life chapter that is going to have gifts within it. Try to be helpful where I can and the rest of the time, just grateful.
Hugs both,
Hops
Tupp,
I have noticed the exact same thing: 2 very good upbeat days, followed by a down day (or two). There doesnt seem a rhyme or reason to it. Glad for the upbeat days, that's for sure.
CB
My moss friend showed up this afternoon. Her energy was down for the first time....so I took a sled, a bucket, a laundry basket and her on a moss hunt.
We filled every container quickly. I found a lovely moss covered stump....nice and light. She was like a happy child. I went behind her, replanting and tidying up. Eventually she began paying attention....learning how to keep the moss patches beautiful and healthy.
She's done EMDR and wondered why she didn't remember to use it. I hope all that free gold ( moss, flowers and vines she loved) lifted her day. We walked for miles, jumped creeks and didn't pick up heavy things.....a very good hunt.
I have to say....Im a bit obsessed with her garden. It grows everything....lush and alive. In my yard I killed so many of the mosses she has growing wild in hers. Colony after colony.....big and healthy. Very different from what grows in my yard, which is thick and healthy too. She has upright growers. I don't. I think it's that she's in a pretty steep high property and I'm on a low spot...pretty flat. Her drainage must be perfect.
::shaking head::.
Perfect.
I don't think she understood how amazing her garden is. She does now.
We're all having our ups and downs.
Lighter
Lighter,
I'm enjoying your moss stories too! I am known at the store for digging around for sticks and rocks, etc and "saving" them for something I am working on. I love moss so much and we just don't have much around here. We get big boxes of it for our use, but most of it is so sad. I wish I could see what you are working on--I know I would love it. Hard to explain how it makes you feel to look at something like that.
Tupp, I had an experience like that the other night--I was putting away dinner leftovers and noticed that the freezer was warmer than it should be and the fridge thermometer was registered a bit to high. Moment of panic. I have lost whole refrigerators full of food before, and this is not the time to do that. I realized that the intake air was a bit blocked because I cut up all that ham and stacked it in front of it. So I pulled it back and gave it some space, closed the door and crossed my fingers. Sure enough! Everything is okay and I didnt come unwound like I usually would.
Wonder if we will get to the end of this and wonder if we have found a better way to live life?
CB
Wow.
CB AND Tupp, the not-freaking-out over things not working correctly stories are so meaningful. Profound even. What that signals really is, to me, the culmination of Don't Sweat the Small Stuff.
This pandemic, its accompanying terror and present-focus, is also bringing those changes. I could find hope in wondering if people will retain this...a sense of relief, pleasure and especially PROPORTION as we navigate life.
I'm leading a Zoom discussion this Sunday on exactly that. Looking forward to it.
Thank you both for being an eternal inspiration to me.
Hugs
Hops
I didn't do a lot of mossing today, but I did pick up hundreds of sticks knocked down by the wind.
The washing machine was out of order this morning..... and all day. That was upsetting, on and off. I have an appointment with the repair guy next week.... his business is very busy. I guess he's considered an essential worker.
He'll look at the washer and my stovetop too.
You guys are right, it's not a BIG deal, but it's easy to feel out of control if we have to deal with food rotting or clothes souring while locked in the washer with no way to get them out. I'm spoiled. I don't want to wash blankets by hand. I don't think I could, frankly. So spoiled.
CB... there's beauty all around us if we look. Special sticks, and rocks and little stumps..... little ferns, beautiful weeds..... and moss. I do love moss.
Tupp, I'm glad you have time to really enjoy your son and what he's up to lately. What exactly is tea? Do you prepare a meal, or just tea and biscuits?
I'm relaxing into the quiet and peace. Getting things done around the house feels good. Cooking comfort food smells and feels good, but I'm gaining a bit of weight. Oh well. I wish it would rain.
Hops: Thanks for reminder.... it's all small stuff. Have fun at your Zoom discussion Sunday: )
Lighter
Thanks, Lighter.
Here's how I described it to the group:
------------------------------------
Covid-19: Silver Linings.
For background, I'd like to propose we start by stipulating we're all lin touch with: great shock, grief, anger and loss. Our topic isn't about side-stepping the wrenching realities of what our own culture (much less the often-class-based global suffering) is experiencing during this pandemic.
The bad news is everywhere and easily available. What's a little more ephemeral are some nuanced things we can explore together: Moments of serenity, perspective, calm, change of pace, energy, connection, awareness, priority shifting, rebalancing, simplicity, sustainability, etc. My interest in this topic is based in hope that a scalding global threat like this might ultimately produce cascading forms of cultural or personal realignment or rebirth. I'm influenced by the Dust Bowl and Great Depression experiences of one side of my family and qualities they developed as a result.
Here are two specific questions to help focus your thoughts:
1) Have you experienced any unexpected positive moments during this time of worry and isolation?
2) If you ponder such a moment, does it seem to represent any deeper realization or possibility?
--------------------------
I look forward to what they have to say....it really is a comfort to see faces and hear their voices again. It's an interesting group of people, diverse and from many walks of life.
Hugs
Hops
Hops,
My unexpected positive moment is how very deeply I am enjoying this solitude and isolation. I do live with one son, although he is still working full time and socializing on line with his friends so we dont spend a lot of time together other than supper. Most of the day, I am alone with my thoughts or my reading--no background retail type music on an endless loop in the background. No multi tasking. Naps. Sitting and looking out the window and thinking. I am reveling in it, even after a month.
The deeper realization or possibility is that maybe I don't want to continue working. It would mean living very simply and there would be no more shopping for Christmas or splurging on a new plant. I dont know what conclusion I will come to, but I am willing to look at it.
CB
Tupp, I love the positives that are flooding you. You posted something a while back that I've shared with people: "It took the world slowing down for me to feel like part of it."
I really get that. Despite extroversion, I'm actually an "introverted extrovert" and the world's sudden slowdown is like receiving permission to be what I already am. I still struggle with too much inactivity, but feel oddly more comfortable about taking my time, and doing whatever I want at my own pace. Slooooowly, I'm doing more things.
It's also just delightful to read about the changes in your son. Peacefully doing his own thing in his room, yet managing five minutes in the garden, normally too busy or noisy for him.
I also really connected with you being spared the racket of people passing outdoors. If there's not enough front yard to serve as a sound cushion, that would affect me a lot too.
I'm very sorry for the feelings about the disabled being disregarded. That sucks and I can understand how it's hitting you. Governments are making some brutal choices during all this, and it's hard not to resent them, especially when we know the 1% will have all the care and comfort they'd like. (In my case, though I'm just 70 in a couple weeks, if I have the courage I'd choose to stay home, get drunk with some stashed pills, and go on my own. I just dread the idea of an ICU. Hope I never get it or if I do, I can sleep through it and go bye-bye. That may be unrealistic, as not being able to breathe induces panic. But it's best I just keep on seriously social distancing and disinfecting and not ever face that choice. That's my plan.)
Back to happier stuff.
CB--I DO hope you'll be able to not return to work! Or if you need to earn something, that Etsy or private cooking at your own schedule, or even babysitting unless that's nightmarish, might bring you enough PT extra income to make the difference. There might be a family in your own complex who'd be grateful to pay you for a few hours baby care a couple times a week. I'd gladly take on ONE baby under two for a couple times, judiciously.) Being on your feet day after day in a corporate environment, despite the gorgeous flowers, must be exhausting.
You've earned better, and if a quiet puttering retirement is possible for you, I hope you can do it.
My pleasure in all the silver linings are increasing and I sense these forced changes are bringing me awareness of ways I can resuscitate happiness and remember that for me, the biggest goal in life is loving connections, and nature. I can still have those.
BABY BEETS! Since out of depression I quit gardening for years, having managed to set up the veggie beds (with a helper for a few hours to prepare the soil and M's help planting the seeds), and now seeing tiny plants pop through...is ridiculously wonderful. I am grateful the pandemic has pushed me to remember how satisfying dirt is, how good I feel growing anything. The 15 minutes I spend watering every evening are the loveliest of the day.
I remember that simple pleasures, and earth, and friends, really are all there is to it. Despite some anxiety and brief asthma yesterday, today feels good again. I'm even grateful for Zoom.
hugs
Hops
I know, Tupp. I don't watch scarey films, but it feels like we are in one sometimes.
One of my sons is taking only minor precautions, still doing some socializing with his partners (large) family, still shopping in stores instead of deliveries. He has a lot of health issues, so my main feeling is grief. I also know that if he stayed home the way I am, he would probably have a flare up of his illness unless he medicated to the point of non functioning. In spite of how this life suits me, the realities outside my door are enough to bring me to my knees.
Yesterday I walked outside (because the weather was finally clear!) and, like you, sorting and planning meals does help. Did some baking and although I had to push myself to do it, it was surprisingly cathartic. I am forcing myself to not put off little household chores since "they aren't going anywhere", the rhythm helps. I have a couple of big projects, sorting photos and sorting genealogy work, that I'm finally organized enough to begin.
Hope you have a peaceful day today!
CB
Hope this isn't indelicate, but I was fascinated at college when I learned that remarkable fact that it would be common for many girls in a dormitory building (or on the same floor, can't remember) to gradually become synchronized to the same menstrual cycle. True! (I don't recall synchronized cramps, thank heaven, but we prolly had them.) Nature is so amazing.
I was just laughing (sort of) to myself...how is it that sometimes some of us seem to get blue at the same time?
I had a big wave of it last night. No new or external reason, just that I connected to the big losses and perhaps-permanent social change in a deeper way. Will this ever be eradicated or just continue to sweep merrily through humanity until all is changed? Felt quite lonely and aware of being alone. Even though I'd had dinner with M, we only see each other 2-3 times a week these days. He's still doing academic stuff at a great clip.
What I miss most acutely is my women friends. Oh the days when everyone could come over easily, not angst about life and death in the process, hang out indoors OR out, and just do that. We had a big storm last night. BTW, I'm very grateful we can visit or take walks outdoors now, but am already a bit anxious about a second wave in fall/winter. If THAT happens, when it's cold outdoors, I'll have a tougher time, I think. Then again, I always fear winter depression and always seem to weather it somehow, and it's normally not as bad as I fear. Dunno how it'll be in pandemic times.
My plan is as soon as things dry enough, to start reaching out to get more friends "booked" for backyard visits. I will continue to social distance very seriously but if it's unsafe sitting apart at 8 feet outdoors, I just may take that risk anyway. Could add wearing a mask, which I haven't done so far. That's how much I need the contact. Articles paint variations of what's safe to do. Hermetically seal yourself off on the one hand, stay 25 masked feet apart on walks on the other. I guess all we can do is what seems rational but humane and based on the majority of reliable sources, averaged?
I'm sure this mood will lift and shift and soon I'll be raving about baby kale. But it helped to vent it here (sorry for the hijack, Tupp).
HUGS. Dammnit. I miss hugs!
Hops
Hops:
I feel out of sync with everyone else's down moods, fwiw.
Tupp..... I'm sorry the system is so focused on dollars. I wonder if there's really karma attached to the choices we make. I assume there is. I feel there is. I personally have instant karma. Always have.
I assume some people have very slow karma. Are there people who escape karma, I wonder?
Sorry you're feeling down, Hops. We had a storm last night too. It's breezy, warm and sunny today. I'm going outside to see what I can get into. I have a nasty case of poison ivy on my right wrist.
Lighter
Ahhhh, Facebook.
I really loathe it and am very glad I boycotted.
Nothing superior in that, I would've gotten sucked in daily, I'm positive.
But I do loathe it, and think we CAN live without it.
I know it's a good engine for multiple people to talk at once, basically.
And I know it's been a facilitator for good things too. But there it is.
Rant over.
So glad you're seeing that getting pulled in to pointless FB activities
is a time suck and not rewarding. Bravo to you on this!
There's been so much social science evidence that in the aggregate,
FB increases loneliness and undermines community. I know people who
react as though something was organized on FB, it's somehow going to
be the coolest and most effective activity going. Yet so many times...
Meanwhile, other social justice/improvement organizations are doing
their thing, often in a much deeper way.
I know it's never going away but I wouldn't mind if it did.
Grumpily,
Hops
Tupp:
My poison Ivy is better bc of a prescribed med my sister brought last year....Fluocinonide ointment. The bumps went right down. Now there's a patch on left hand. This med works great but will prolly give me whiskers or something worse.
Lighter
Absolooooootly, Tupp!
I think you're doing a brilliant job of noticing things, tuning into your own intuition and your own body, and reacting very very appropriately here. Bravo!
Your question to her was the adult question. SO spot on. And refusing to join her invisible cadre of slaves, I mean volunteers, was SO wise.
I have a hunch, fwiw. As you describe her she reminds me of many bright, charming, oh-so-kind women who wind up heading nonprofits. It's a generalization....but I think in the same way that some ego issues and some yearnings to control others, can often surface in charitable settings.
Because how could anyone resist a request, much less look candidly at someone so eager to lead where there is a need? So....most people just feel a little shove in the back to cooperate, and go along, and give that inestimable person whatever they want.
I think you are very acute in what you see...and it doesn't mean she's any kind of monster at all (she's likely unaware of her own process or what drives it, and does still intend well)....but there's a WHIFF, quite detectable by the observant, of something toxic there.
I'm so delighted for you! You scented it, thought about it, spoke up like an adult about it, and backed away from it.
BRAVO! You amaze me. You learn things so deeply and act on them.
Hugs
Hops
I never noticed she has dreadlocks. Or how slender her hubby is. I didn't warm to the playdate.
Tupp:
They say help is the sunny side of control.
I'm sure this woman organizing help is like the rest of us. Stress making things harder....ego popping up.....living in the future.....that's her problem. Not yours. I'm glad you recognized her imaginary make work of worrying.....and declined to drawn in.
Hops:
I look forward to a patio and garden update. Pots are a joy to plant and care for if you're in that headspace.
Today my new moss friend called and invited herself and lovely husband over. I wasn't really in the mood but thought that would change when they got here.
I never noticed she has dreadlocks. Or how slender her hubby is. I didn't warm to the playdate. I was relieved to see them go.
That's what I remember about the visit.....and that I gave her a half tub of amazing roof moss....so pretty and happily full of sporophytes from recent rains.
There was a day last week I would have enjoyed planting that very special moss with her. It didn't cross my mind today.
Lighter
Tupp,
I get you.
I use facebook a lot--I keep track of a lot of things going on in the floral industry, other art (including some rather obscure artists that I love), books, music, news sites from all over the world,and--oh,yeah--friends and family! I dont have a lot of people on my friends list, and I have just a few pages that I follow that are member only. Less all the time. When people start getting annoying on those pages, I just unfollow. Sometimes its the moderator and sometimes the posters. It's like the old days of VESMB where we had a mix of really interesting, articulate posters and some real doozies.
I left 2 pages this week--one that I had just joined and saw immediately that it wasnt going to be a good fit, and one that I've been on for years that talks about succulents and there was some kind of kerfuffle about 2 people identifying the succulent differently (good grief! we are in the middle of a pandemic, for gods sake) and I just unfollowed. Life's too short.
So, take it all with a grain of salt and see if you can figure out why this particular interaction unnerved you. It's a safe place to dissect those feelings--you dont ever have to interact with the person again and they dont matter anyway. But the feelings are real and they are important to look at and see why you feel derailed.
Its funny to think that I have known you all for all these years and we dont know each other's names, or what we look like, or until recently, where anyone lives.
CB
Hey Tupp,
Do you think these feelings have anything to do with saying (or deciding) No?
I don't know. Just a thought that popped up.
Hugs and comfort,
Hops
Hmmm.
Maybe some part of your psyche was feeling almost "groomed" by the kind lady (who may be absolutely unaware she is somewhat manipulative, or using others to play out some unrecognized inner need of her own).
If that's something like it, it would make perfect sense to me that the exchange could set off old bells of anxiety.
So happy you found a yoga thing to help you get the feelings up and out, even if the thoughts or analysis doesn't fully bloom until later (if it's even worth using your time on). Doesn't matter, as long as you know you are still safe. And still capable of comforting and kind-ing yourself through surprise shakings.
They'll still happen now and then, or they sure do to me. But you're still competent, and growing moreso all the time.
Two steps forward + one step back = FORWARD.
Hugs,
Hops
Hey Tupp,
Do you think these feelings have anything to do with saying (or deciding) No?
I don't know. Just a thought that popped up.
Hugs and comfort,
Hops
I don't know, Hops, it might be, I'm just not getting that lightbulb moment with it, it feels like a real mystery. I will have to get Scooby Doo on the case :) Lol. I have been thinking that I feel a bit like she manipulates the situation, very subtly, so I didn't really notice it until I was well inside - that analogy of putting the frog in cold water and then it doesn't notice you heating it up, you know? For me, it's a matter of making peace with rejecting a part of the situation or relationship with the lady or her mission vs the mission you feel called to..... helping people with the group to help parents.... but then having a reaction to the manipulation.... and when we're upset it's difficult to separate things with clarity, IME. Rejecting the woman and the way she operates maybe feels like you're rejecting the group and it's goals, but it's not the same thing, IME.
Radical acceptance, when it can be managed, is the cure for me in these confusing, upsetting moments. Sometimes it's SO hard.
You can help other parents in ways that make more sense to you. I think you posted about it on another thread and I'm super excited about that, btw.
I'm snuggled in the loft, catching up on the board, thinking about stretching and doing a bit of yoga, Tupp. I so want to cultivate a good routine... like I had with martial arts. I had appointments and kept them always. You're modeling good habits for me! Lighter
Makes sense to me, Tupp.
I think you've made total sense throughout your telling of this situation.
Total.
Writing a guide as you suggest is a wonderful idea.
From life in publishing I'm not sure it will make you a living but it can surely make you find purpose and meaning, and a great way to fulfill your desire to help others without draining your liveliness.
Champ job, you!
hugs
Hops
Hey Tupp,
Do you think these feelings have anything to do with saying (or deciding) No?
I don't know. Just a thought that popped up.
Hugs and comfort,
Hops
I don't know, Hops, it might be, I'm just not getting that lightbulb moment with it, it feels like a real mystery. I will have to get Scooby Doo on the case :) Lol. I have been thinking that I feel a bit like she manipulates the situation, very subtly, so I didn't really notice it until I was well inside - that analogy of putting the frog in cold water and then it doesn't notice you heating it up, you know? For me, it's a matter of making peace with rejecting a part of the situation or relationship with the lady or her mission vs the mission you feel called to..... helping people with the group to help parents.... but then having a reaction to the manipulation.... and when we're upset it's difficult to separate things with clarity, IME. Rejecting the woman and the way she operates maybe feels like you're rejecting the group and it's goals, but it's not the same thing, IME.
Radical acceptance, when it can be managed, is the cure for me in these confusing, upsetting moments. Sometimes it's SO hard.
You can help other parents in ways that make more sense to you. I think you posted about it on another thread and I'm super excited about that, btw.
I'm snuggled in the loft, catching up on the board, thinking about stretching and doing a bit of yoga, Tupp. I so want to cultivate a good routine... like I had with martial arts. I had appointments and kept them always. You're modeling good habits for me! Lighter
I'm so glad you're thinking about what saying No triggers for you, Tupp. Bravo. Getting comfortable with that so it isn't anxiety producing is Assertiveness 101, and you can
practice it as effectively as all the other ways you've embraced caring for yourself, and the remarkable healing you've done.
Loved your description of the super-kind lady begging for attention and emotional rewards online, but still, unaccountably, not honoring your request to be removed from her admin notifications. Hmmmm. Odd, that.
I also loved your ACTION, of simply muting those. I suppose you COULD contact her one more time with a minimalist message: Just a reminder to please remove me from admin notifications. Thanks. Or not. Might not be worth the bother.
You're weighing decisions against your serenity and picking the latter! So whatever protects and enhances your serenity is a beautiful daily formula. BRAVO, bravo.
Hugs
Hops
Ooo, the woman does have tentacles, doesn't she? Good for you for snipping them off.
I hear you about the suggestion of extending it all six months. I know there are big-picture issues, but personally, I think our Western culture went nuts and toxic a long time ago, so if there's a prayer of a chance that this pandemic will turn into the Great Reset, historically anyway, that's the best spin I can put on it.
I've been so surprised how much of an introvert I truly am. Though I chatter like a magpie when I see people. It's the mysterious subtype: Introverted Extrovert.
hugs
Hops
Tupp:
Reacting to discomfort with negative coping strategies .......yup. Hard to change for good. We forget to stop, breathe, get centered then select a better response. So.etimes we just can't do it.
Yesterday I had a moment, but breathed comically through what had to be done....it calmed me down quickly....the breathing and the laughing at myself.
I fixed the problem and noticed I wasn't upset by the end of it, like I would have been a year ago.
Something about DOING something helpful, while forcing myself to breathe even though I was teetering on fight or flight hijack for a day or days.....worked.
Or did it woked? To see with nose off the Pebble.
Finding a way to gain perspective....I think that's a big part. Like hitting a curb and bouncing off or rolling up and over.
Bouncing off is tv and biscuits, ime. Bouncing up and over is creating sacred space to live a mindful life.
There's going to be a bump either way, ime. Trusting the breathing and giving ourselves a moment before reacting....so we SEE choice. So we have the ability to respond.
Reactivity is about short term relief that creates more distress.
Responding is about creating spaciousness and more joy, not less.
Learning to let others have their own business....like you're doing....is HUGE. I think it gets easier as we go. At least thats6 the plan ; )
Lighter
I understand that so much, Tupp.
Dealing with rejection or indifference from a former friend can be excruciating.
You might remember how I wrote for a very long time, over and over, about one friend, A., whose intense interest faded into such a blank that I had to go tell her I was withdrawing from the friendship one day. For me, it was the only way to reclaim my sense of self.
I didn't blame her for it, so it wasn't a confrontation. But in that particular case, I felt the need for transparency, to no longer go along and pretend we still had a friendship when the reciprocity had vanished. I felt better after that, but I think in many/most cases, healthier people would release their grip and let a relationship like that go without comment or stating things openly. I guess different responses make sense under different circumstances.
I also realized in hindsight that she was groomed to be charming and doting and warm in your presence, but those were personality things that helped her make her way through her life. They weren't promises to anyone. They were coping mechanisms. At one point she just found a new couple across the street who fit that slot absolutely perfectly for her, and she just dropped me. (Kept up the warm gushy promises of "we must get together" and "I miss you" which confused my little brain for ages, since she never followed through.) Anyway, when I eventually "released" her (in my own head, as she wasn't feeling any obligation in hers) I released ME. In hindsight, I didn't want an "obligation" connection anyway.
My reactions to rejection, particularly from females, have been heavy to process for my entire life. Goes in my case directly back to two things: 1) An N mother who never saw nor comforted me, because she couldn't, so I had a lifelong hunger for female connection, and 2) being bullied all day at school by girls, in a pack. It's one reason I love this Board so much!
So every time a friendship failed or ended it was all those things reactivating, all over again.
Oddly, it's nearly a nonexistent issue for me now. Solid friendships exist, two or three in this community I know are permanent. I just greatly enjoy other interesting women when I meet them or they attend the group I lead, or whatever. Some of those might or might not turn into new friends, but I'm okay whether they do or not. It's a relief. Gets me more into the present with people and out of rumination about my past, or trying to fill holes I've slowly learned to fill myself, and in community.
I think it's all about that lifelong work of actually becoming a friend to myself. Thinking of myself lovingly and making choices as best I can that include self-kindness. If someone's silly enough not to see how much loyalty and compassion I offer in friendship, then they need something different that I'm not the right person to give them. (Esp. a completely take it or leave it superficial relationship. I don't have time for those any more, I like substance.) That's a lot of it too, I think. One reason this board is so fantastic is because y'all are very intelligent and never tire of learning.
Like you, I think a great deal, all day long. I love to laugh and be goofy but I also have a very serious side, questioning meaning and culture and encountering the self at pretty deep levels, because that is what makes life engaging and exciting for me. Women who just have only rote channels, particularly superficial ones about things or shopping or appearance or ever...I just run out of interest myself, sometimes. It helped to see that.
I am deeply fascinated by who people are and how they got that way and how they change over time. And people like you who are so brave, doing that deep observation of self and culture under really difficult circumstances at times, blow me away.
Boy, what a ramble.
hugs
Hops
Nope, you're not naughty. You're aware. You've handled Nice Tentacles so very very very well! Not replying is right, imo, because a Tentacled One doesn't stop. It's a huge hunger for attention and support, which you can sympathize with simultaneously with knowing very clearly that YOU are not a person who can be responsible for meeting her endless emotional need.
Nothing naughty about it at all. It may FEEL unusual but it's actually beautiful. It's New You, noticing and taking responsibility for your own needs.
I understand the literal confusion that being mildly spectrumish can bring. I truly do. And it's amazing that you've sussed that out TOO.
You really are incredible, Tupp.
Hugs,
Hops
PS Loved what you said to Lighter about your bath attitude. So perfect, so right.
Wonderful day, Tupp. Dancing with ds.... that's a short cut to joy!
How did the furniture change work out? Did you get to it?
Lighter
Tupp:
I do have paperwork to deal with. It won't be easy or over quickly when I finally get to it.
I wonder why I hang on to it. Just in case I have to fight another suit or 2 or 3 or 4. Just in case a book needs to be written. Just in case I have to produce evidence for my children to show them exactly what's what.
That's the thing about sheltering children from the really tough stuff....
they're so very sheltered. I think mine have a basic understanding, but they haven't had the PDs whispering lies. That could change.
I'm not worried about it. I'm just not in a hurry to burn or otherwise rid myself of the paperwork quite yet. It feels like a talisman. If I have it... I won't need it.
If I burn it....
Lighter
That was a double whammy, ((((Tupp)))). Reaching out to the unreciprocal "friend" and then finding out how shallow her interest was. OW OW OW. To me that's a simple 2 steps forward + 1 step back = FORWARD.
Please don't beat yourself up about it. It's an old pattern, you forgot, you're an optimist. But all the beautiful realizations and self-comforting you've accomplished in recent times are no less real or solid than they were before today. Today you just tested it, stepped back into a familiar groove of reaching out to a person who doesn't really reciprocate, and perhaps email or online messaging leaves out the context that would've helped you take note of that in other times. Like tone of voice on the phone, etc. You did nothing wrong or stupid, you just took a minute to take an old dance step that you momentarily forgot is NOT part of your new routine.
If anything, this can make your new routine of self-respect, reciprocity, and kindness to yourself even more solid. Just keep on with it, and it will transform everything in time. The math is good. That's still reality. You are still FORWARD.
I feel for both you and Lighter facing the paperwork mountains. I wonder what practical ways you could come up with to defuse the triggers ahead of the task? I hope you can both get through with the scanning projects without too much angst. Maybe sunshine, great music, and taking a box outdoors one at a time would help.
Tupp, is there some methodical way your son could help with it?
That said, I have thrown away papers others would shred for many many years without fear of identity theft. No problems ever, happy recycling. (I figure if somebody's interested in my identity, they'll be sorely disappointed.)
hugs
Hops
Tupp,
I know its tempting to try to figure out what you did wrong--it actually makes us feel more in control if we can come up with fault and then change our own behavior.
I think you are doing what you are supposed to do. I read once that the reason liars and cheats get away with what they do is because most people tell the truth. If everyone lied, for example, then there would be no advantage to being a liar.
The same thing with being caring and supportive. That's what we are supposed to do. We shouldnt stop doing it. Its what makes us human. People who aren't being caring are the odd ones, and the reason they are so hurtful is because of how abnormal they are. The only way for us to have continued on this earth for as long as we have is because communities have been built on caring for one another. You are operating on the basis of generations of successful evolution!!!
There can even be a good reason for why she behaved the way she did (the other thing we try to ferret out in these kinds of situations: a reason for the aberrant behavior of other people). But whether she does or doesnt, you did what you were supposed to do as a normal human being. She didnt respond in a normal way. But you were completely normal to check on someone who is fragile healthwise and who might need some help or encouragement.
Be your own best friend. Don't beat yourself up for another person's aberrant behavior. You are a good and kind human being. You didnt do anything wrong. You dont need to learn or heal from your misguided behavior--there wasnt any. I love it that you are finding ways to make your life peaceful and more functional these days with all the "oughts" removed. It has been so encouraging to me to see your journey.
Love,
CB
Two ideas:
1) This isn't art, but one advantage is, you could also pee on it.
Search Term: How to Make Office Paper Mulch
YouTube has loads of easy instructions.
If you can't shred it (too much, no shredder) even torn pieces can work.
2) Can you pick out a bright happy-colored folder, and place that across the face of each page, down a bit from the top? The idea is, you only need to skim a couple lines to figure out what history or toxicity is IN that document, right? You'll remember the gist. So maybe a visual block like that would help you NOT RE-READ it to thus RE-EXPERIENCE it all so fully.
Maybe that could help you be more able to treat them as unwanted pieces of paper to sort for discard.
Hugs
Hops
I completely understand why you'd want to write your own story, Tupp, since others have been doing other narratives about it that drive you mad.
I remember when socio-Nbro came after me with his whole series of utterly false and derogatory accusations. The injustice of the things he said, plus the pure malignancy of what he was doing (to get at Nmom's accounts) was the most upsetting thing I'd ever been through.
At one point I wrote a huge document to my lawyer, putting each of Nbro's deluded and (old fashioned word alert) WICKED accusations in a chart. What He Said. What the Facts Actually Were. I included quotations, proof, documentation. And it was such a fine feeling because not ONE of his ugly, twisted manipulations held up in the slightest. I rebutted each and every single one, and beautifully, if I do say so myself. We (lawyer and I) sent it off to his attorney with a very polite cover letter and never heard a single word about any of them again, and then went on to completely triumph over him in court.
The thing is, though, apart from once or twice in the immediate aftermath, I've never had a single desire to read it again. I'm done. Focusing on assembling that history was grueling and valuable in that moment, and it did help the case. But I'm talking about five pages, in a chart, not boxes and piles and years and years.
I would ask just as debbil's advocate of my dear friend Tupp: Realistically, what you're describing sounds like a labor of years, or at least a couple years. Huge, intense, big, complex, detailed and especially -- draining. Literally, triggering.
Do you REALLY want to use up time from your shiny different positive happier future on correcting every single thing from the past? Even though you're RIGHT, you were MISTREATED and MISUNDERSTOOD and BADLY SERVED by the public system, and all of it? The endless micro and macro affronts to your dignity and sense of self and security? They were real and horrible and you'll never be glad it happened that way.
But I keep looking at what you created instead. The energy and order and calm and pleasure and gentleness of your world. It's beautiful. And it's FORWARD.
Do you really really want to spend huge time (and space, and paperwork) writing it all down, instead of doing something completely new? The thing I'm sticking on is that I literally cannot imagine how doing that project would not be like reliving the experiences that you've left behind. Or are still leaving behind as you heal.
I totally respect and support your own choice about what feels like it will give you agency, and voice, and peace. If writing that memoir/advice book will be it, I'll be cheering you on!
I'm just projecting worry, and that's not always helpful. I just keep thinking of the joys of peeing on mulch, or having a splendid paper-bonfire, or something. Anything. Maybe it's me!
I still have papers under the bed in my office space that have to do with that awful period of my life. There's more purging I can do, and since it all does fit under the bed...I've avoided it. But I have the luxury of storage space. The idea that your space, tight as it is, has to be dominated by reams and reams and reams of the long history you've been through of that kind of struggle, just makes me sad.
Wish I had a fairy wand. Would happily use it to liberate you!
Hugs
Hops
I think a part of me is still afraid of something happening to me (sudden death), son going in to a care home and his whole history being inaccurately recorded in those files. Another nagging feeling is my mother outliving me and getting her tentacles around him again
QuoteI think a part of me is still afraid of something happening to me (sudden death), son going in to a care home and his whole history being inaccurately recorded in those files. Another nagging feeling is my mother outliving me and getting her tentacles around him again
This is absolutely understandable. I'm always amazed at how there's always a kind of EMOTIONAL LOGIC behind our decisions or impulses or plans.
I also agree that it's quite unlikely to turn out that way (and understand why the fall would re-trigger that cycle of thought). If you've set things up legally for him, it sure would seem highly unlikely that an estranged and toxic old alcoholic grandparent could swoop in and take charge.
Do you have a plan for his future documented, and legally secured? I'm sure you do, but if not, that could ease a load of creeping worry.
hugs
Hops
Tupp, you are just so SANE.
And wise, and thoughtful.
I totally believe you, you'll evaluate things and adjust as you go.
Sorry for that unnecessary detour (through my own projections, as usual).
Compost perfume! Ahhhh. What a good reason for a stinky smell.
I'm glad you recognized and respected and described and wrote out
your own feelings...sounds to me as though you've processed them in
a really brilliant way. Difficult but productive at the same time. BRAVO.
Glad you got to talk to a friend, too. I had a couple of those calls lately,
just turned 70, and it was like sunshine through clouds just to connect.
I totally profoundly understand how the fall triggered some dark thoughts.
Mine did for me too.
The thing that turned it around was an absurd moment in my kitchen this
morning when I blended too enthusiastically to make health-promoting
smoothies and my ancient beloved perfect workhorse Vitamix spewed
a rather ugly goo all over everything.
I stood there and actually tuned into my inner dialogue: Oh what a huge
mess. I need to clean that up. I could clean that up later (x4)... and then,
I want to do what adults do. I can clean up my own mess. I like to clean
up the messes I make! I remember how much I adore my old Vitamix with
its dragon sticker. It's my friend! It makes me healthier! Let's give it a good
wash... and on and on, like a batty old lady lunatic, and I was laughing and
feeling joy and so it went. All cleaned up and I had a big realization in the
process, that I just shared with my T (via video).
I approach my ADD and clutter stuff with a very stern inner adult monologue, i.e.:
To do this properly I must follow the classic advice--perfectly--which is: make a list, break tedious things down into small increments, set a timer, plan in rewards, yadda yadda. I know this stuff by heart! But it seldom works.
This time, afloat with happy birthday self-esteem (I always feel joy at being alive on my bday)...I relaxed. And what came up instead was a goofy, playful child who got the work done fine because she indulged aloud in a random, affectionate, companionable free-associating stream of SILLY SELF TALK that was about delighting in the moment, using a ridiculous pretext for acting it out (actually doing the work was acting it out) and it became actually fun. Rather blew my mind. My T was clapping! She wants me to remember this as a significant breakthrough. Huh!
Nope, not a single solitary syllable from socio-Nbro since the day he walked out of court, entirely defeated. I actually felt sad for him as we saw him walk away.
BUT. I have not missed him for one second, and almost never think about him. I don't have one iota of a feeling of unfinished business with him, nor sadly, with his cowed family. His cruelty and evil behavior toward me was wrong, and I can think of no justification whatsoever for having him in my life ever again.
I really did mean it about PHAMILY. Blood relation holds, on its own, absolutely no more meaning for me. It's how people treat you, and that's just it. (I also had decades of conscience-driven care for Nmom, which I regret in some ways but don't regret in others...and in any case, it's over.) I do miss my gentle Dad but had him long enough to build my certainty that just as evil behavior abounds, moreso does kindness and good behavior. Not perfect, but good enough for me.
And since my D imploded and became cruel to me herself, over time, the absence of biofamily has gotten a lot easier. Except for Dad, I just don't associate biofamily with good things. So they're gone, I'm still here, and I still have love in my life. Friends. Mr. M. And a community I feel a part of, even when I'm floating in a very outer circle. It's all in my head, but so is the happy silly child, and so is spring, and green things, and animals...and it's all just a big pond of possibility. Despite it all.
hugs and incoherence,
Hops
I'm sure you will. You've been beyond responsible with all this.
Maybe one perspective to try out is: Writing a honking big memoir about the past is one thing. Focusing on a sensible legal/trust cover document plan (what you can do, not what you can't) for his future, as best you can accomplish, is....FORWARD.
What you can do is what you can do. You're right. It may be tedious and frustrating to research his future scenarios, but it won't be dependent (imo) on you defending/justifying every single past decision you've made, or relitigating your Nmother's sabotage. (If her sabotage were that effective, you wouldn't have won, which you basically HAVE.)
Anyhow. If I knew anyone with a young adult special needs child, and they wondered what to do and how to face it all, I'd think of you. There's one heroine in the U.K. who has triumphed over all of it: family sabotage and lack of support, public system's massive shortcomings, and more.
And you have a son who's charming, confident, and able to amuse himself for incredibly long stretches and still feels purposefully engaged in life. Just AMAZING.
Yay, you.
hugs
Hops
Trying to catch up.
Glad you're writing poetry and smoothing out emotions over lost friendships, Tupp.
I've been thinking a lot about the records and files lately.... like you. My gut tells me it's time to have a bonfire. My head says there's a bit more business before that happens. I want to talk to the girls and make sure they don't have any questions. I want to tell them the big truths and be able to back them up with documents, if necessary.
Once I've done that..... I think I'll know it's time to start the fire.
I think you'll know when it's time to set yours too. ((Tupp.))
Lighter
And I'm thinking about a kind of instruction manual for son, something that breaks down each task so that he and anyone else who looks after him can use that instead of figuring it out as they go along - how to do his meds, how you need to cook his lunch so he'll eat it, how much liquid you need to try to get into him each day, how to arrange his Lego so he can find the right bits quickly. Just all the stuff that I do that helps keep him calm, the main aim being for him to learn to do as much for himself as possible but it can also be used by someone else if I'm not around.
Yay! Homegrown potatoes and all the interesting parts of gardening. Love that idea, Tupp.
I hope your soil arrives soon. I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do when my back calms down. Right now it's a mess.
I'm glad yours is feeling better. Do you have any idea when the next osteopath appointment might happen?
Lighter
QuoteAnd I'm thinking about a kind of instruction manual for son, something that breaks down each task so that he and anyone else who looks after him can use that instead of figuring it out as they go along - how to do his meds, how you need to cook his lunch so he'll eat it, how much liquid you need to try to get into him each day, how to arrange his Lego so he can find the right bits quickly. Just all the stuff that I do that helps keep him calm, the main aim being for him to learn to do as much for himself as possible but it can also be used by someone else if I'm not around.
What a loving, pragmatic legacy that would be for him. Wow, Tupp. It's a very beautiful idea. And in itself, perfect proof of the kind of mother you've been to him.
Much respect,
Hops
So.... what are you going to be doing with all that free time, Tupp?
No drama. No chaos. No battle to prepare for and fight. Growing potatoes. Carrying on with your lovely days preparing food. No schedule. Dancing with ds. But there's a lot more room now.
I hope you experience spaciousness.... the feeling of lightness when you contemplate the space you've opened up for better things. I'm trying to focus on peace and love lately. You might understand that without it coming off as hoo hoo.... I think.
No, working in the moss doesn't hurt my back. I flipped a HUGE stone, or small boulder and that's what upset my back. When I get the stones and sand and dig..... that will upset my back too. I have to be so careful... more careful than I am. After I flipped that boulder I just stopped DOING and started planning. I don't want to keep doing things over and over again. I want to have a plan, execute it ONE more time, and be happy with it.
The Linton roses are beautiful, btw! I adore them in my yard... very woodsy and perfectly suited to the space. YES.
Lighter
What you need is another new hobby: EMBROIDERY! I am positive you need two nice new pillows with the perfect quotes on them:
I shouldn't feel guilty, I'm entitled to a bit of downtime
and
I can't save everyone, I can still enjoy myself
I really love the way you notice, really think about, and take in opportunities so deeply. Despite the sad trajectories of the pandemic and human malfeasance, you are not just avoiding this changed time or pace, or denying it, or railing about it. You are experiencing it in a lovely, open, receptive way. I think it's a wonderful change in your life and hints of possible change for all life. Whether that comes to pass or not (a better evolutionary change) ... it is still FORWARD, in a great way, for your own precious life.
And I love the way you simply solved a phone call for your son. So straightforwardly kind -- to him and to yourself. And you are also giving friend's hubby a chance to tap into how he just made a difference for someone too. Good positivity all around.
Hugs
Hops
It pleases my heart to hear friend's bf called ds and will make it a regular thing. You resolved that for your boy with ease, so it seems.
Tupp... do you find you're accessing more creativity and problem-solving skills at a level you can note and rate?
Yesterday I was in the yard.... trying to figure out things I'll change and keep the same and there was this explosion of creativity I've missed. Things I never considered just came to me.... BIG difference for me.
I upset my back a couple of days ago and have it iced since yesterday. It's so much better, but I'm not jumping back into activity. I'm taking good care and healing completely. Doing what doesn't aggravate as the first day of pain I just didn't do everything I could. Second day I really stopped and did everything I could, as I am today and I don't feel bad about it.
If you need to stay tucked in the covers.... you can do that.
Lighter
Tupp, read the second story here about an evil MIL, and especially read the Comments. (Just click at the bottom on Comment to see them.)
https://slate.com/comments/human-interest/2020/04/fun-parents-during-quarantine-care-and-feeding.html
SO many roars of outrage at how this young mother was treated, and it reminded so much of what you lived through. In part, but still validating, I hope.
hugs
Hops
Two questions, Tupp:
1) How did you get in my house? So glad you came by!
I start without finishing other unfinished projects, or without planning or organising well enough, and then as soon as I run out of time/money/enthusiasm it becomes another unfinished project that sits looking at me all the time.
2) When is the victory parade? I want to enter a float. It'll feature Amazons.
I find myself thinking, "I am coming for you now"
The emoticon keys don't work for me on VESMB any more but consider this a line of all the happy ones! _______________________________
hugs
Hops
Yes, Tupp. Ice packs... sometimes strapped on.
I'm very glad you haven't had to fight Grandparent visitation and Father's rights battles this whole time too.
Lighter
Bird-watching is very very important, imo.
Nature is the sane thing right now, the beautiful thing.
It is sometimes cruel but also joyous and vibrant and all beauty starts there.
(Or, it doesn't care when it's ugly or beautiful...but we humans can take its beauty into our beings and turn it into joy and peace and gratitude.)
Glad you're enjoying it, Tupp!
hugs
Hops
Whew..... yes, my back is easing off, Tupp.
And.... mention of Grandparent rights sent me reacting... I wrote several super long posts. I don't want that energy here, anywhere on the board right now, so I'll just say this.
I'm grateful you didn't have to go through many legal battles over grandparent rights OR legal battles with your son's biodad. That's a blessing bestowed on you..... I'm so grateful that's something we don't have in common. Truly. Blessings.
I'm glad you're feeling better. Watching the birds is communing with joy. You have every right to joy, Tupp. Just relax into it, let it wash over you... notice how it feels, and revel in the warmth.
You've arrived.
You're home.
Lighter
his works of genius which are, and I quote, "too difficult for you to understand, Mum"
Quotehis works of genius which are, and I quote, "too difficult for you to understand, Mum"
Gosh, I'm rolling. He is so spunky and functional and adorable. Psychologically, he seems to me so WELL. Robust, even. Way more than I am!
Enjoy your pottering about, Tupp. Hoping something you can plant will grow for you too.
hugs
Hops
I celebrate you not wobbling, Tupp!
I think you and son are among the stablizers of society.
Not from doing doing doing, but from keeping your own peace and serenity front and center. I am really glad for you. And I sure hope the groceries issue gets better, soon.
Sorry about your married friend's suffering but it sounds necessary, like surgery, and when she heals her life will be better. She can't see that now.
I hope you'll continue on your serene path, staying safe and sane. Nothing wrong with it whatsoever, and that in its own way is a contribution to the world. You are invaluable, there's no price on happiness and it lifts my heart to hear about it.
And you are SUCH a good writer. Your perspective on U.K. culture in this crisis is just amazing, and you write it so well. Rich with insight and well chosen details.
I love reading your posts.
hugs
Hops
Tupp,
You could be describing what is going on here as well. Nothing makes sense when you hear people arguing about this. I live in Texas and the governor mandated salons to be closed until further notice and a salon owner decided to open anyway. Every time she was made to close it, she would go back and re-open it until finally she was taken to court and told the judge that when she left, she would open again. So he put her in jail.
The governor intervened and said that the mandate was not actually a law and she shouldnt have been put in jail, leaving EVERYONE confused about what the heck was going on--so he opened ALL the salons. It's a mess. And that's just ONE state. Each state is deciding for itself what it is going to do. Some states are opening up for business, so a neighboring state has hundreds of people drive across the state line to shop. And then go home with whatever the bought, and whatever else they picked up in the way of germs.
I am like you--I feel peaceful for the most part, but what's going on around me is crazy making. Like you, I have kids who are dealing with underlying diseases and this is one more thing on top of it. Mostly they do okay, but some days I worry. I guess wobbling would be a good word for those days. I'm so glad you and your son are in such a good place now.
It's 8 pm here and Mother's day is over. The big rush at work is over and this weekend usually heralds the last of the busy time til the holidays in the winter. It's like letting all the air out the tires. But I'm not there, and probably won't be. And I am both okay with that and sad. It's a good reminder that endings are also beginnings.
CB
Get on top of that pain..... focus on it. Give it attention. Ask it what it needs, Tupp.
Lighter
((Tupp))
It seems to me the world is making choices about herd immunity kicking in 2 years down the road. Those at greater risk are going to have to continue being super careful. Those who feel they're not at risk will continue to throw the dice. I don't see you throwing the dice, Tupp.
I'm glad you're finding serenity and peace inside your home, bc it might be something you continue with for a much longer time than expected. If that's the case, how do you feel about it?
I don't fear for you. I think you'll turn it into something deeper, happier, richer than it is now and that's a gift.
The people pushing to open things up... the Swedes who never shut down..... those who vote to get the economy back on track at the expense of spreading COVID 19... they're not evil, IMO. They're scared, and struggling and they're backs are against he wall, IMO. It's not just politicians trying to score points. It's people trying to keep their business and homes. Trying to keep their life style and find normal again.
It's like everything else. Polar opposite opinions and those in between. Tunnel vision for the people living in their limbic systems.... zero perspective, which is frustrating, but when they can't see.... they truly can't see. People do better when they know better.
I go in and out of being OK.... of making sense then reading or seeing something I react to. The ASPDs are mixed in with the fearful people.... they're whipping them up..... and it's hard to stay level when I recognize them... their actions.
Hopefully you can stay level in your space, in the moment. One thing for sure is, this will continue marching on, no matter how you feel about it. \If you accept it, get solid in that acceptance, things should feel better for you.
Lighter
REEEEAAAALLLY timely, Tupp.
I was talking to my T yesterday about noticing the default settings... which is huge and part of figuring them out. You noticed a default setting around the wrong potatoes, managed to stay in observer mode get on with fixing it AND identifying why it's there. WELL DONE, ((Tupp.))
I've been having a cup of tea, instead of reaching for food in the evenings, to stop myself thinking. There's stuff there that needs attention. The tea is comforting and helps delve in and be with it.
Identifying the younger parts of ourselves flailing...... is revelation.
I'm so glad you brought this up now: )
Lighter
Now why have I put the stuff I don't want on the bookshelf where it's easy to get to and the stuff I like and enjoy tucked out of sight and difficult to access?
What an amazing day, Tupp. I really do think of that work as creation of sacred space. Putting the things we love and want to give our time to OUT FRONT, where we can see and reach it.... YES.
As for the paperwork..... I have to tell you I'm bugged to know it's IN your living space, just as I'm unhappy I have my own large stash in mine. At some point, I'm.... confident we'll just let it all go.
On reflection, I feel going through the boxes with a lIVE! DIE! posture.... boxes pulled next to bonfire... one box receiving documents I MUST have, all else going to the fire.... appeals to me right now.
Documents that prove the PDs lied, cheated, stole and manufactured evidence are things the box would hold..... along with FINAL ORDERS. Just having it all in one place would be comforting. Not having to worry about finding it again would be comforting. I think I could get rid of everything else, bc I don't intend to write a book.
What would you keep, Tupp?
I'm so happy to read you have your space cleared up, Tupp. Youngest dd and I just took down heavy drapes on front windows... the room so much larger... so sunny. It's wonderful.
Lighter
(((((((Tupp))))))))
On another thread I posted a quote from a psychiatrist about childhood abuse, to the effect that victims try to make amends for the perpetrators.
I think that almost in some cases can scale up to society-wide abuse or neglect.
I just want to say that given your situation, your deep and individual situation and how very difficult it's been on multiple levels...you might be a person who does NOT need to make amends for society's coldness or indifference to suffering.
You might be a person who has had enough, done enough, and cared enough.
I'm not suggesting you can never advocate or volunteer for change. Of course you can. But right NOW, in these circumstances NOW, maybe you need to trust that good people everywhere are happy to carry you in their hearts and on their shoulders. They're not dependent on you sounding the alarm, writing reams on social media, educating the unreachable, or teaching others what's wrong.
You have MANY silent friends you'll never know about. You are not alone in your moral outrage or pain or shock at the way cultures conduct themselves. You have SO much company, out here, out there, everywhere.
It's just OKAY, when you're okay with it, to step back, not take the bait, not get triggered into desperate attempts to be the little boy with his finger in the dike.
It's not down to you. Our survival or our improvement, as humanity. It's down to ALL of us, and that includes many long and fallow periods when different individuals in different unique circumstances step into the protest tide, and also must step out of it again, to tend their own mental or physical health.
And when you do feel it's time to step out of that tide? It's OKAY. It's natural and necessary and beautiful.
You don't need to make amends for society. You have already spoken and lived and struggled so much that a dozen privileged indifferent folks' efforts (including mine) wouldn't add up to a fraction of your effort.
Give yourself peace. Give yourself permission. Give yourself grace.
You don't have to monitor it, raise the alarm, or broadcast the answers. You are NOT ALONE, and other voices will rise and fill in that space. Not fast enough or well enough but that's how change goes.
Much admiration, and more care...take care of you, our friend, our companion in this precious space. Take care of you.
hugs
Hops
those "random acts of kindness" and gratitude for the little pleasant connections we make with people throughout our day. They build up a body of experiences that's like an antidote and vaccine to past trauma.
an ocean of aloneness
Tupp:
I'm glad you're enjoying your bookshelves and we're enjoying our sunny living room.
Right now I'm on the edge of being sick to death of being sick to death of thinking about those files.
I accept there's never going to be a perfect action.
If I could scan them, in some orderly fashion, I would have already done it. I can't. I think scanning them would be a good option for you. I don't want you to ever ever ever have to find and organize those documents again. You should never have to, and it's necessary to have them, just in case, IME.
I'll have to make peace with imperfect choices around this. Maybe something unexpected will pop up if I stop thinking about it.
Lighter
Quotean ocean of aloneness
I heard this. All the way to the bottom of my heart.
Pisses me off. And I believe it. I know it's real.
I'm so glad you are here, (((((((Tupp)))))).
I do believe all things change and pass, etc. -- but what you've endured humbles me.
Hugs
Hops
Tupp:
You're such a great mother. I felt like I was walking next to you!
Lighter
Oh it would be so GREAT for you to be in a place that has a bit more room and a LOT less damp! Hopefully a better yard, no matter the size, too. Fingers crossed the list moves along. I'm so happy to hear this, Tupp.
As to telling your son about college...do you think it'd help to tell him, well two things could happen -- it might open or after they figure out how the virus is going, they might need to keep it closed for a while? And that way, transfer the "bad news bears" to the system rather than you having to be the messenger entirely?
I hope he won't be too disappointed. I fail to understand the panic over here about kids possibly missing a year or semester of school. I actually think (for fortunate children with safe homes and kindly smart parents) that many kids would benefit from a year off the treadmill. But whaddo I know. (I started school too young and was an absolute mess, including failing a grade from despair, until late high school. Lots of trauma....)
hugs
Hops
I'm not going to do my 'we'll be fine, I'll cope' thing anymore, because I don't want to cope. I want to feel alive and happy and look forward....
My favorite part of your post:QuoteI'm not going to do my 'we'll be fine, I'll cope' thing anymore, because I don't want to cope. I want to feel alive and happy and look forward....
If I understand it right, you are on a general sort of district-wide priority list, which doesn't define the specific town or area, is that it? And you get to choose the specific town or area you wish to move to, and then your position on the general list likewise determines your positioning on a local list for your target town?
Loved reading your list of requirements for your lives in a new place. I also have such massive confidence that your research will be rational and comprehensive and prepare you really well for decision making.
Bravo, Tupp. Hero, role model and more.
hugs
Hops
Tupp:
I know you did research before this move....on college, shops, proximity to the ocean, the place. I know you had lots of balls in the air. I KNOW you needed to put distance between you and the PDs, handle the van, the overnight, the MOVE itself.
You did your very best and you did the research you could do at that distance. You were amazing.
Sure, you learned things on the way. You've determined priorities and preferences and minimum standards for things you've never had to deal with before.
What you didn't do is fail yourself or your son.
You, alone, made preparations and were proactive as you could be, where you could be.
Will you be more proactive this move? Yup. You're wiser, more experienced and ds has matured.... you've had breathing space and opportunity to focus on things you can and can't abide. You've learned how to make space... even if it's just seconds.... to select a response, and hold reactivity in check.
THIS IS AMAZING! This is growth towards a richer, happier life. DS benefits from it.
You'll do what you've always done, this move, Tupp.
You'll just be very much more Tupp when you do it.
I'm honoring the journeys you've already made. Honoring the efforts you put in. The care you took. The things you've packed and loaded and carried and unpacked... all while caring for your ds. I remember, and it wasn't easy for you. You've done amazing things! Please don't discount that.
You did the very best you could with the causes and conditions you were dealing with.
Just bc you can do better, bc you know better and have breathing room and experience with things you didn't before..... Lord, Tupp. You're a giant, and I won't ever forget that. I hope you don't either.
Lighter
"I feel you only call me when you want something and I'd like our friendship to be more reciprocal - I'd like to talk about that before we meet up again"
I'd like our friendship to be more reciprocal - I'd like to talk about that before we meet up again
Tupp:
It's upsetting to have others COME at us..... especially when they're living in their limbic system, activated, emotional, fearful, angry and telling everyone what they MUST do and feel.
Everyone wants to come to their own conclusions. Everyone wants to be communicated with in a respectful manner.
I would be shocked if you didn't have a negative reaction to behavior like this, particularly bc it's similar to how your mother behaves. IME the people repeating what they've heard from charismatic talking heads speak this way. They don't have facts and studies. They lead with this Lord of the Flies bullying behavior.... and I have the same reactivity around it as you do, but with political discussions.
I hope you can breathe your way through it. Maybe you'll discover things beneath the pain that help make sense of it.
Lighter
Tupp,
I have always used facebook, in spite of its negatives, because since I have moved to the big city 6 years ago, I havent had much social life in the external world. I also use it as a kind of directory of different kinds of art, music and places so I probably dont use it in the usual way. It also gives me a window into other people's lives and I am so grateful for it. I know people all over the world on account of it, can you imagine?
Thanks, CB. The whole reply had me nodding all the way through, although I'm not to good at the 'replying within the quote' stuff so we'll see if this is legible at the end! But yes, I'm the same on Facebook, I use it primarily to keep up to date on what's going on locally, disability rights stuff, music I like, Lego related stuff to show my son, cute animal pics! You can't beat a cute animal pic :) And very little for actual people because I still prefer my discussions to be relatively private. And yes, I've connected with some great autism advocacy groups in the states and it's interesting how similar the systems are in some ways and yet very different in others.
But it is DEFINITELY a pain in the ass sometimes. I have literally left plant groups because they were fighting over the name of a plant!
Jeez, yes, I have many groups on mute so that I only look in there if there's something specific I want to know. There have been some spectacular bust ups over the smallest things, I think the internet kind of magnifies everything because it's often out of context?
And people don't always think about the way something might come across; you do need to take more care when you write because you don't have your tone of voice or facial expression to show that you're joking or being sarcastic (or whatever it is). Things can escalate so fast.
Too much time on my hands, I've made a point during this time of looking up old friends on fb to see what they are doing, and many many of them are subscribers to the conspiracy theories you describe. It is grief producing, especially when you couple that with the venom that often goes with it. Makes me want to cocoon, which is I guess what I am doing!
Yes, and this is what is hard, I think, you're reaching out just wanting a friendly chat or to pass a bit of time and you suddenly find you're in this bizarre world - as if the actual world isn't completely mad right now! Why on earth make it crazier? And I must say, I don't mind the conspiracy theory stuff, I love a good conspiracy theory to be honest but it's the personal attacks at anyone who doesn't agree. Plus I feel it's the disregard of your own skill set and knowledge base. I don't know about you but because I've had to read a lot over the years about disability, health problems, human rights (in relation to my son) and so on, I have read a lot of conspiracy theory stuff over the years because it does pop up again and again. I've heard all this before to be honest, it's just rehashed to suit the particular occasion and there are always people who haven't heard it before. It is easy to get sucked in to it. I was very anti vaccinations when my son was younger because his autistic symptoms showed up just after he had the MMR jab and at the time it was being claimed that MMR caused autism. So I completely freaked out and he didn't have any other jabs after that. But as time went on, I did more reading and understood that my son had showed signs of autism from birth, I just didn't realise that's what they were, plus I did more reading around vaccines and yes, they can cause damage but when put into the context of the lives that are saved each year it's a small risk - no comfort if you're the one the damage occurs with but I have a more balanced view about it now. Still believe it should be about good quality information and carrots rather than sticks to get people to do it but seeing the 'Bill Gates is going to use the vaccine to microchip everybody' is just a rehashed version of all the stuff I was reading fifteen years ago.
Internet still forces me to set boundaries. Not letting it in. Not letting it be personal. Not engaging with it, as much as possible. Closing the door on it frequently. You did exactly the right thing letting the moderator know what was going on--he/she is obviously sensitive to that, thus the different groups. Melt downs happen. I actually am less comfortable in groups where the moderator gets all wound up too. Just take down the post and keep moving.
Plus a constant reminder of this truth: that these people are not my friends. They don't really know me or my circumstances--and fb is so interested based, they don't really need to, nor do I want them to. And I don't know them either. There are people on groups that I am in, that I would not care for at all in real life. Not a single bit. But everyone pretties themselves up enough to participate in the plant/music/art discussion. Occasionally someone flames out. That's about them, not me. I think those of us who have been deeply formed by our relationships with narcissists have a hard time with that kind of boundary setting. I know I do.
Sometimes it feels like being assaulted by the words and I force myself to remember how very frightened people really are. People who are drowning grasp at anything to save themselves, even the rescuer--sometimes pulling them down with them. It's a struggle to make myself stay in the truth that these posters are ranting into the wind, not at me. It feels personal. But it couldnt be further from it. The ranters have to make people like us as paper cut-outs to believe the way they do. If it was ever truly personal, they would be forced to look closely at what they are doing. They make individuals as symbols, impersonal and distant, in order to make sense of what they are going through.
Yes, this is what I need to do more - it's about them, not me, calm, don't react etc. I feel they're putting my son at more risk and that's what makes me see red. I'm so used to fighting endless battles for him that I do need to learn to stop and ask myself if this is a battle worth fighting. Much of the time it isn't.
And I have to make myself see them as something more than a symbol as well (also very hard to do--my resistance tells me how easy it is to fall into). My personal choice is to be willing to live at poverty level and to be somewhat isolated in order to keep myself well, and my kids well. I dont know how I would feel if I had children that I believed were being harmed by their inability to go to school or to camp. I think often of the people that used to work for me in the restaurants. They are hurting financially right now--many of them have no income and plenty of time to listen to this stuff and let it ruminate around in them.
I get that completely, although interestingly here, it's more the New Age hippy types who are advocating breaking the lockdown rather than people who're out of work (because quite honestly the supermarkets here hired thousands of extra staff when this all started so a lot of people who couldn't do one job signed up for another instead). And it's their 'human rights' that they're very concerned about, which is basically about them being able to go out when they want to. And as someone who hasn't been able to do that for years and has just had to suck it up I don't feel a lot of sympathy for people who are happy to make us stay in longer so that they don't have to. There's no meet in the middle, if you know what I mean?
Many of the entrepreneurs I've known were very accustomed to working long hours no matter what else is going on--no matter how sick they are, for example. Most of them are a tough bunch of cowboys and they got where they did by ignoring personal risk and discomfort--so they are not sympathetic to those of us "hiding" in our houses! A hair stylist in our country worked for 8 DAYS with covid, not telling anyone, and exposed over 90 people. I used to send home sick waitresses, but I was an anomaly in that business. If you eat in a restaurant, you can count on the fact that someone who has handled your food is not feeling well and your health depends on how carefully they followed sanitary practices on a busy night.
It's the infection rate that's the problem, isn't it? Our beaches have been packed the last few days, no social distancing, nowhere to wash hands, I dread to think how many people have passed it on to one another. If it were a case of knowing you were safe because you didn't go to the beach it wouldn't be such a worry. But it's knowing that any of them can leave those germs in the supermarket, which means they can come into your home on your food and then all the weeks of being so careful just go out of the window. I've always been careful with colds, because I know people whose kids can end up in hospital if they catch a cold. My son's seizure risk goes up if he gets a temperature. So something that's no big deal to some people can be so dangerous to someone else and I think that's the message that isn't coming across in some situations. I waited tables for years and I know you always need to be nice to waiting staff :) Lol
All that's to say, I think that most people create a story to allow them to make sense of what is happening to them, and many times they need a whole cast of characters, including villains and expendable crew men. Even if what they create is horrific, there's something calming about thinking you KNOW what is going on when in fact you dont. I feel as though I force myself not to go there and it is very very uncomfortable to try never to let myself light on a story that makes me a victim. It feels like a daily exercise.
You got this Tupp! You are so self aware and on top of it. You aren't responsible for either the crackpots around you, nor the feelings that they produce. I love to hear your stories of your days and the steadiness of them lately. I can often just picture what it looks like as you let yourself relax out of the run, run, run of the last year and let your days flow naturally. I absolutely love what is happening with your son. From my vantage point, it looks like he is blossoming in ways that he wouldnt have with your past schedule. How much of life to we spend trying to fit into the world and its values? And, it turns out, he is completely occupied during this time when he can focus on what matters to him.
Thanks, CB. It feels very up and down at the moment. My mad menopausal symptoms aren't helping (I am missing my acupuncture! Son is doing well. He's very interested in everything that's going on and reads all the news reports and science stuff that goes with it. Not knowing when it will end is hard for him and having me keep telling him the politicians don't tell the truth is confusing for him - but best he learns it now! Thank you xx
CB
Tupp, loneliness is driving so many people onto forums and FB and rabbit holes online. I understand why. I'm vigorously protective of myself online (this is my only forum but what a trusted one) and I am positive I'd be poisoned by a lot that goes on elsewhere. The only places I participate are Comments sections (under a handle) in the Washington Post and NYTimes, though I read a lot of other media too. Even my "safe spaces" get invaded at times.
I think the intruder in the fact section is a form of TROLL. Some people thrive on bullying and insulting and destabilizing others, and unfortunately the internet is not a classroom where a decent teacher might intervene. There is no serious intervention on the internet, it's like the Wild West. An exciting and interesting and powerful place, but it also has its psychological risks--especially for the lonely. A place like this, which leads with empathy, is extraordinary and rare, ime. One filter for me for any forum would be limited membership and active moderation I trust.
I can't quibble with anyone who's isolated being involved in any way, but I do see it's quicksand in some areas. Expecting empathy or consistency there seems to be Error #1. Any place online can be "emotionally hacked" by someone lacking in conscience or self-regulation.
If you add up incels, the right wing, and cable propaganda channels, to name just a few...the online universe is a risky place. Some folks can thrive there because they are just emotionally unhooked from whatever any stranger will say or do there, however toxic. Other folks need to be wearing their invisible helmets and heart shields. I'm one of those too.
I will be so glad when you can go forth to dance church again, and re-experience what gentle, friendly and unaggressive humans are like in 3-D, and how many are still around you.
Hope you can filter yourself somehow, or set a timer, or remind yourself every time you log on to take EVERYTHING through a filter. Not a filter of paranoia, but a filter of self-love and protection. Being your own Inner Friend, who knows you intimately and loves you and cares about you enough to help redirect you when convincing others to think logically or be compassionate to each other seems impossible.
I think on the internet, it is mostly impossible. When kindness does happen in places and for periods of time, it's just GRACE rising, I believe. Not the rules. Not enforced. It's just human grace taking shape in an online space.
For context, even here some years ago, trolls and cruel and bullying folks showed up and as their cognitive dissonance beset them, some began attacking other posters. At one point the whole place was anxious and suffering and frustrated. Doc G made the choice to make it private then. (It happened even on my church's group FB page, after lofty starting pledges it would never be used for controversy.)
I hope you'll do what you can to remain your own friend and try to lower your expectations, not because of who's good or bad or right or wrong, but because you know YOURSELF and you are the most important person to take care of. Knowing your limits, your triggers, your danger zones (seems to me the theme is other people's bad behavior and injustice, which I certainly understand)...maybe you can still enjoy the good places online and steer clear at the first whiff of toxicity. You don't even have to leave entirely; some places will settle down after a dustup, others morph into something else. You can change your outlets for a while, then check back in. You're entirely free to protect yourself, to come and go as your Inner Friend sits beside you and helps you choose.
You deserve love and company and support and I completely understand how addictive anonymous internet companionship can be and how powerfully loneliness drives involvement. I'm happily addicted to this Board. Dependent. Reliant. Unashamed to be so. But this place is rare.
hugs
Hops
Tupp:
It's upsetting to have others COME at us..... especially when they're living in their limbic system, activated, emotional, fearful, angry and telling everyone what they MUST do and feel.
Everyone wants to come to their own conclusions. Everyone wants to be communicated with in a respectful manner.
I would be shocked if you didn't have a negative reaction to behavior like this, particularly bc it's similar to how your mother behaves. IME the people repeating what they've heard from charismatic talking heads speak this way. They don't have facts and studies. They lead with this Lord of the Flies bullying behavior.... and I have the same reactivity around it as you do, but with political discussions.
I hope you can breathe your way through it. Maybe you'll discover things beneath the pain that help make sense of it.
Lighter
Thanks Lighter. I am the same about political discussions - and disability rights, benefit claimants, asylum seekers, single parents, indigenous populations - you name it, just about any situation. Not because I object to discussion and/or disagreement but I think it's the demonisation of a particular group in order to justify treating them badly in some way? And because I know I'm sensitive to it I do steer clear and ordinarily if I see something's going that way I bail out quickly. I think this one caught me off guard because it's a 'safe' thread on a 'safe' forum and I have chatted with this particular user on there before and she's always seemed quite kind hearted. So I wasn't expecting it and I'd got most of the way through it before my brain caught up and realised what I was reading (early in the morning, coffee hadn't kicked in). I think it's the kind of verbal assault aspect of it - someone putting video up or an article or something and saying, "I thought x, y and z when I saw this, what do others think?" is so different to someone declaring it to be fact and labelling everything else an idiot for not already thinking that as well. It's so bizarre. It's made me feel that I can only get through this by shutting down even more, which I really didn't want to do - I'm reluctant enough to make the effort to connect with people so having to avoid much of the internet now feels like a bad move.
Then avoid away, Tupp. You know yourself better than anyone. You're more than capable of doing what you need to do for yourself.
I will ask some questions my T would ask me if I was having this conversation with her.
Are you safe right now?
Can you act to make you and your son safer in this moment?
I'm sorry you've been pried out of your happy place.
Can you find a way to get back in that headspace?
You're being miserable and shut down isn't going to change anything about your Government's choices right now.
I'm usually railing against acceptance when I'm activated and upset in similar ways, ((Tupp.))
I hope you feel better soon.
Lighter
Hey Tupp,
Pulled this over from Relationship because it activated my inner script editor! Hope this is helpful, please disregard if it ain't.Quote"I feel you only call me when you want something and I'd like our friendship to be more reciprocal - I'd like to talk about that before we meet up again"
I thought I'd parse this (being a compulsive parser):
I feel you only call me when you want something is almost an I-statement. The missing bit is WHAT your feeling is, e.g.:
I feel [a bit hurt, sad, etc] when you don't ask about me in our calls.
Also, one can't use "I feel you....[fill in blank']" to represent a FACT. Many folks who struggle with transitioning to I-statements do the same. They think they're explaining their own emotion but switch right within the sentence to YOU-statements, which are often accusations, even though they may be accurate descriptions. Very natural when feeling hurt, just not helpful to relating differently. And one also has to allow for the possibility that one's over-read or under-read another person's behavior. Or not.
"...you only call me when you want something" may be accurate, but it is also a YOU-statement, which normally puts a listener on the defensive, feeling criticized or judged. That shuts down the chance of better connection and an improved friendship. (If someone said that to me I'd want to withdraw or at least soothe my hurt feelings before I could listen to them or take in what they just told me about their feelings. Who, me? Selfish uncaring friend? Not true! Or, I'm not brave enough to confront myself, I don't want to hear this...etc.)
However, there's a BEAUTIFUL example of a healthy assertion in your quote:QuoteI'd like our friendship to be more reciprocal - I'd like to talk about that before we meet up again
All by itself, it's perfect. And to actually talk about it, if the other person is willing (no guarantee, and I know that triggers fears of losing someone) -- then if you use the I-Statements and NOT the You-Statements... you'll stand a much better chance of being heard.
Nobody knows what the odds are but if even 1 in 10 fre-quaintances responds with interest or willingness, that's somewhere it makes sense to put some energy.
This probably is not as coherent as I was hoping to be, but I hope it helps. I'm sure YouTube has excellent workshop stuff on assertiveness that's much better. Here's one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zbt_9R8GrM (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zbt_9R8GrM) He's good even though he calls a percolater a perculator! LOL
You're doing an amazing job, Tupp. Seriously. I think it's exciting practice. Just remember mistakes ARE learning and don't let yourself get hung up on imperfect execution. You ARE getting it!
hugs
Hops
Tupp,
I was thinking about the individual ways we react when we feel threatened or feel that our loved ones are threatened, when we feel powerless, or confused, or frightened. I talk my way through this process (to myself!) whenever I have some anxiety.
Everyone doesnt react the same way, and whatever way we react, it is often temporary as the initial strong emotion wanes a bit. Some people come out swinging, some burrow in, some avoid, some look for allies. We usually react in a way that reflects our past history. If you were more of a target with Nmom if you were visible during stress, you learned to not be visible. If you bucked the system to no avail, you learned to avoid. If allies were few, you learned to figure out your own safety plan.
I hope you don't get too caught up in whether you are reacting the way you should. You are very self aware and when you are ready to test some other ways of dealing with the stress, you will. Most of us will deal with it the way we are most comfortable, and for some of us, it will be the exact right way to do so. Others will choose their usual way of dealing with stress and it will throw them into harms way. We are sure seeing that on a daily basis in the news.
This is very helpful, CB, thank you. I'm trying not to overthink how I think but it's difficult! Lol. I think you're right, we do revert back to old ways and patterns and mine is always to assume I'm getting it wrong. I'm not finding the lockdown itself difficult to deal with, it is the behaviour of others which I know is going to make our lives harder for longer. That's the bit that bothers me and where I find it difficult to balance being in touch with the outside world and avoiding it all completely. I feel like a midpoint is healthiest but it's hard to find where that is - and maybe because it keeps changing? The conspiracy theory stuff has spilled onto the forums, I think, because Facebook and YouTube shut it down. So those of us who'd moved to a safer space to get away from it suddenly had that safety removed because they followed us across. I've only peeked at the other forum since and didn't look at the actual thread or post but it has a little counter tally on your page where people can show they supported your posts (bit like 'Like' on Facebook) and a lot of the forum members had been supportive of what I wrote. I still don't feel like I can be active on there at the minute but it reassured me that most of them feel the same way I do and would be willing to shuffle those sort of posts of elsewhere, so to speak.
Just a thought about your worries with regard to the plans you haven't completed for son's future care: you didn't complete that in the past because you didn't see a real imminent threat at the time. You might calm yourself by looking at how much of a threat there is right now. I see you being very very careful about when and where you shop. That's going to lessen the risk.
Also, the new studies being reported is that there is less risk of the virus coming in on grocery items than we once thought. Letting paper and plastic sit in place for a day will probably be all you need to do for those items. Anything like a milk carton or egg carton, you can wipe down and leave out to dry for an hour and then put in fridge. Fresh fruits and veggies can be cleaned the way you usually do when you are ready to use them. Wipe off the counters where you are working as you usually do. That's probably ample prep and you are probably already doing it.
That is helpful, we are still being told here it's three days so less time is reassuring. I am being careful washing everything including myself, plus we don't get lots of deliveries, food is once a week and I've bought the odd thing for my son but it all gets left on the step (I think all the delivery drivers here are doing that as standard at the moment). Our risk is relatively low (and the part of the country we're in has had fewer cases than some other parts of the country; we're not as densely populated here as the big cities are). I am trying not to think about 'what if' but I do feel very conscious of not having any back up should we get sick. Although saying that there are people that could at least fetch food and so on. I did decide to buy in more 'ready to cook' food. I don't usually do it because I think cooking from scratch is healthier but I think I'll feel a bit more reassured about being able to feed him if I get ill if I got plenty in that can just go in the microwave. It's little things, isn't it?
In addition, I make a point of having the delivery leave the items on the porch and then going out after they are gone. It's the virus in the air that is most contagious. I usually wear my mask for good measure. You are probably being MORE careful with food and other items than you were in the past--and so are the stores and delivery people.
You have lowered your risk on many other things that might have occurred if you were going about your daily life--you aren't going to get into a car/pedestrian accident, for example. If I'm feeling anxious, these kinds of thoughts can calm.
Yes, our risk of catching it is lower, I think it's knowing he's more likely to be seriously affected by it that worries me (and for myself to be honest - my chest is my weak area, anytime I catch a cold it goes to my chest and I had a really nasty chest infection a few years ago that saw me in bed for a month. If it could only be caught by close contact I'd feel so much more relaxed about it but as you say, it's airbourne. I am avoiding shops though, I've been able to find pretty much everything we need online now and have got myself into enough of a routine to get things delivered at the right time. It's taken a while and a lot of searches and planning!
In the States we have a lot of available options for medical care without going to the doctor's office. You can often have an appointment online and if you need prescriptions renewed that can be done online and they can even be delivered. Do you have that available? If you need blood tests, that would need to be done in a lab at least. Depending on the test, some can also be done at home. My tests came due just as we were entering shelter in place, and I called the dr office and asked if this needed to be done immediately, or could it be put off. They were happy to put it off for a couple of months because there is a range of time within which you can stay current. You may very well still be in that range.
We can get our scripts done, it's the hands on treatments we're missing. We both have acupuncture and osteopathic appointments regularly, mostly for stress related stuff. Son has various joint and muscle problems and my back is terrible so the osteopath puts all the bits back in the right places. Obviously they're all closed now and I've no idea when they might be safe to use again because it is such close contact. I think we're both missing those now, I could see son's legs are starting to point the wrong way when he walks and my back's been really sore. The acupuncture helps with my mad menopause symptoms and oh boy, they were very evident over the last week or so. It will be nice to be able to get back to doing those at some point. I think it's also that feeling of being looked after as well, you just lie down and someone else does all the work. Heaven :)
Anyway, that's how I think when I am anxious the way you are--and I frequently am. I, too, neglected my will and the only one I have that anyone could use is the one that my husband and I made. That needs to be updated and should have been before now. It was just a detail that got lost in all the life I lived between then and now. It was the first thing I worried about when the shelter in place began. This will all be over soon, we have probably been through the most of it and we now know EXACTLY what is a priority to us and we will deal with it as soon as we are able.
There are always more pressing things to deal with than those sort of paperwork issues, aren't there? My will is still okay and there's
a trust set up that my life insurance pays into for him; it's not a fortune but it would help out with things he needs. I'm just going to chip away at setting up the various things that need doing; I'm finding even in lockdown there is still stuff to do that takes priority over the paperwork! Always paperwork to do, it never seems to end.
In some ways, I feel that this time has been ideal for thinking through issues that I just never got around to before because each day was a rush. Things like what you are anxious about were probably a low lying anxiety all along, but now you can look at them clearly, make a plan and be ready to tackle it in a few weeks time. At least that's what I'm feeling. I realized that my son and I are both driving cars that spend 99% of their time parked. I drive 5 min to work and he works from home. We pay over $200 a month in car insurance for our cars, plus all the preventive maintenance each needs. This time has made me realize that we could easily share a car, cut both of our expenses and both of us can save for a future car when that makes more sense. We actually could have done this long before now, but I never had the time to think it through.
That is good, CB, and it's amazing how you can see changes when you've got the time and space to think and you aren't constantly rushing from one thing to another and dealing with feeling poorly as well. Are you still finding that your pain is reduced?
I have had other things like that as well, I'll bet you do too. Even if, at times, you feel overwhelmed, overall you are really using this time well to rethink your priorities. You are an encouragement to me.
Thank you, CB. I really appreciate everything you've written. Phew. We will all get through this together, won't we? Thank you xx
CB
Blurgh indeed. Our local cases are rising fast. I hear you, but have decided to keep my head in the nice warm sand for a few days more. Daily tracking (M does this first thing every morning) really only helps me gauge the intensity of LOCAL risk if there's an urgent errand, like pharmacy or gas, etc. But generally I just Do Not Go Out, which simplifies things. I know you have to, for some foods. I don't get up early enough to take advantage of the super-early hours, but I could.) I don't wear a mask in the car when I drive to M's, nor at his house, nor for backyard-visits, but I have one in the car and others by the door in case there's a pressing need to. And I wear one around my neck on walks I can pull up if someone comes near. The most frustrating possible exposure is runners. They must get on a high that numbs them, because even a middle-aged woman ran within a couple feet of me, breathing hard with no mask...the last time I was on the street.
But the important question is: how did the cat respond?
hugs
Hops
Those things sound so much like
GOOD MENTAL HEALTH!
I'm so happy to read this, Tupp.
I think it's huge.
You really were present, just to the experience of talking to someone.
You had no scorecard but were just being a human talking to a human.
You are doing something wonderful, mentally. Like Voluntary Simplicity for the mind.
KUDOS. I need to copy you right now.
hugs
Hops
Tupp, you've worked very hard to feel better and find ways to stay in the moment.
You didn't do all that to remain mired and I'm not surprised your head's popping up from underwater, though it seems odd during a pandemic. It's occurred to me.... the collective worry might take a smidge of worry off the shoulders of those dealing with years of ongoing worry and struggle. There's focus and worry and discussions, at least. Maybe it works like...
putting Biofreeze on the many nerves in an area of the body where ONE nerve has been spasming.. it takes the pressure off that nerve by activating the rest. I have NO idea, but the thought's popped up while pulling weeds.
You've also gathered helpful tools and put them in your toolbox... even though it's not always easy or possible to remember when or how to use them. They're there.
Lighter
thanks for sharing that Tupp!
I think for some of us the shelter in place may be a life changing moment. I hate what has necessitated it but I am so grateful for the gift of time.
You expressed it so well.
CB
I'm happy to read you're feeling excited about moving forward, ((Tupp.)) I suppose it will come and go as you get used to noticing, and considering, and selecting responses based on what you're learning about yourself.
The mind learning like a crab....
forwards, backwards, sideways thing should always be remembered, IMO. It helps when the feeling of moving backwards comes up, IME. It'sjust the way the brain works.
I spoke to a friend last night about the 2 months she spent in residential group therapy.... it sounded amazing. Horse back riding, massages, nutritionist....but the things she liked most were the EMDR, biochemistry/neurofeedback, and group sessions. We talked into the night sharing everything we learned with each other. I'm amazed at the leaps of understanding and abili8ty to make sense of what's happened, what's going on inside, and how one brings coping strategies into adulthood from childhood.
So, yes.....
to looking forward.
Lighter
Hi, Tupp:
My friend went to the facility for a month. When she came home her son said they didn't fix her, and sent her back for another month. Turned out the Ts said her son wasn't ready to hear what she needed to SAY to him.... his problems were about HIM... not about her. He needed to spend time in T himself.
Friend said she's looking for a trauma informed T.... practicing EMDR for sure. She's having trouble finding one, particularly bc of COVID climate. She's learning to draw and finds joy in it.... therapy too.
About the EMDR T book on autism. Don't you think autism is generally misunderstood and confusing? I do.
I'm trying to draw up, gain some distance on this and SEE what your T sees. It's wrong thinking. It's not informed. It's ignorant...... and it's coming up for you now.
I wonder if it IS a message for you. Maybe you're supposed to put together a consulting service for parents with autistic children or dealing with their own autism. I don't know. Just saying.... get some perspective and spaciousness around it and lean in with curiosity. Nose off that pebble..... drop all judgment... the, IMO, doesn't mean harm. She just doesn't know any better. I learned to treat that kind of situation as an opportunity to educate.
Teaching is the next step in learning, IME. I can imagine you having a career in consulting or writing around this..... not that you have to. Sometimes I feel we're drawn to the parts of our lives we haven't made peace with. That speaks more to unconscious participation than mindful choice. I'm trying very hard to LISTEN to that, for myself. What I'm drawn to. Why? Is it something I see when I'm not mindful, or is it a path I'm drawn to in THIS moment, and not bc I'm still wrestling with past painful moments I need to finish processing.
In any case.... be wide awake, and present. I'd certainly ask the EMDR T WHy she recommended this book... and I'd try to remain neutral and curious about her answer. You'll likely be very surprised by her answer, IMO. Whatever she says, she's only human, has her flaws and is struggling with her own problems, like the rest of us.
I do think a mental health professional holding these outdated views is a sign of sorts... I just don't know where the sign is pointing, my dear: )
Be curious. Hold yourself with tremendous self-compassion..... trust the T has good intentions, even if they're uber misguided. Drop all judgment and remember to bring focus to the things creating somatic responses in your body. Things upsetting you. Things taking away peace. Lean in and see what's behind it.
Lighter
Tupp,
I think you did a great job with the initial shock of being handed something like that. You will know what to do when you get your thoughts sorted out, but I am probably not feeling as charitable as Lighter. If she has been your therapist for awhile, she knows what your triggers are and if she had some other ideas she would like you to consider, doing so as part of a therapy session instead of a book would probably be more helpful.
I just want to give you support if you decide this therapist is not for you. I have found that I have "graduated" to different therapists depending on where I am in my journey. I know I'm not saying anything you don't already know. I have less and less energy to defend against such things. In most of my relationships, I can just move them to a more distant sphere although that would be tough with a therapist.
Just know that, in the mental health field, blaming childhood trauma is a common theme unfortunately.
CB