Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Phyll on September 09, 2021, 08:10:55 PM
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I use a CPAP machine when I sleep. I got a new unit in June. Data including the hours of usage and number of apneas (non-breathing events) is automatically uploaded using cell phone towers. I got e-mail alerts in August for having too many events, as many as 21 to 25 events per hour. I reported the spikes to the respiratory therapist. He reviewed the data and said many of the increased number of events were identified as central apneas. He went on to explain the pauses in breathing are not because of an obstruction in my upper airway., and he could not identify a possible cause for this from my records. We agreed to monitor over the next month.
The reports I can view on the computer do not differentiate the central apneas, but the unit itself will show me that data each day, so I have been keeping track. The number of events have steadily decreased since the end of August .
I met with my psychiatrist today and went over the events that happened since we last met (mid June), including the Lyme's disease and issues with W's lack of empathy. I also told her about the central apneas - which I understood it to mean that my brain was not telling my body to breath for some reason. She explained the same part of the brain is impacted by fear, and wondered if I was feeling unsafe due to the situation with W. We discussed doing some routine breath work and meditation.
What is interesting is I noticed things have been pretty calm around here with W for over a week now, with very few arguments vs. 3 to 5 explosions of anger per day. Perhaps there is a measurable correlation between how well I sleep and how well I am coping with W's fluctuating moods.
I have considered getting into a routine of meditation for quite some time but keep putting it off. My book club (we call ourselves spirit sisters) have read a number of books on the subjects of meditation, mindfulness such as - 10% Happier by Dan Harris, The Book of Joy by the Dalai Lama, Minfulness and the 12 Steps... When I first got sober I used to attend sessions with a woman using breath relaxation techniques and guided imagery. I am somewhat familiar with an app called "Insight Timer" for guided meditation. Are there any you use or find helpful?
Perhaps this is the kick start I needed.
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I used to use the blue ball app..... not the actual name, but the ball got larger and smaller and I could speed it up or slow it down and breathe with it.
I prefer walking meditations like kissing the earth with my feet, but you do what you do, Phil.
Whatever works for you is what's best.
I'm glad you have a T you trust.
Lighter
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I think there is a direct connection between the stressful things you encounter during your day and how well one sleeps. I agree with your T. The thing is, you may not be consciously aware of being afraid or threatened... it may happen at deeper levels and your mind/emotions will still react.
Anything that helps you feel more confident and in control (if possible) of your environment will improve your sleep.
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If you scroll down and read the CAUSES section here, it helps make sense of central sleep apnea.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/central-sleep-apnea/symptoms-causes/syc-20352109 (https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/central-sleep-apnea/symptoms-causes/syc-20352109)
Stress never helps anything, and I'm very sorry you've been living with so much of it. I'm imagining any physical health issues that you have that are mostly behavioral would be a good place to focus. (Talking --shouting-- to myself, here....) Lots of emotional support and therapy can free up more strength so it's available to you for sorting out your personal situation or coping with it with more peace of mind.
You deserve a serene and peaceful life, Phyll. Do you have a sense of a step by step way to make that more possible? I'm wondering if something written up -- dunno, like a goal timeline, or a priorities list, could help you as you go forward.
hugs
Hops
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There's an interesting documentary called HEAL on tv.....Hulu, I think.
Lighter
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I will look for the HEAL documentary. Step by step and goals? I am so good at that... for other people. For myself- at a loss. Very good idea. Thinking it will start with physical and emotional self care approaches, and tracking my responses through journaling. Okay, there is a start :) Thanks.
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For me, P, I moved through what I see as a process of internalizing new information........ habits........ self care through experiencing different pieces of information and education I needed in order to wrap my head around what meditation was and what it was supposed to do FOR me.
I couldn't just sit and meditate during BIG struggle in my life. I tried. I had help.I was directed and instructed and....I just got angry at what seemed like elite people meditating while refusing to share important inforamation making it possible for me to meditate too.
I hope you can avoid the frustrating layer of anger I THEN had to work through, on top of not understanding.
When I studied how the brain works..... how it process.... shuts down when in danger and switches to survival fight or flight reptilian brain..... I applied that and it helped me understand WHY meditation can shift us OUT of survival mode.
Reading how to approach meditation through books like Peace Is Every Step, by Thich Nhat Hanh..... I could see another piece of the puzzle, what it was and why it could work for me. Everyone sees their own path. Everyone will find what makes sense to them.
Understanding human survival depends on shutting down access to higher thinking...
we die wondering what THAT IS if we see a bit of tiger stripe in the jungle and fail to just MOVE out of harms way. Looks like a stripe to me... hmmm....lets look a little closer then CHOMP! The tiger eats well.
Or, we notice we're 50 feet down a path after seeing a snake. Once we go back and inspect the snake,we see it's a stick appearing to be a snake. We laugh and try to go about our walk..... but our Sympathetic Nervous system has been activated and we've been biochemically hijacked.... we're stuck in fight or flight till it wears off or we move ourselvs OUT of that state.
Trying to think our way out only makes it more difficult, IME. It adds frutration and shame and more fear, IME.
We can't wish and hope and mourne it's loss..... once our amygdala has been activated.... we're in fight or flight and it's a matter of learning how to activate our parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) which is responsible for shutting off the fight or flight mode.
We learn to activate it in many ways...... humming is one thing I find I've done allll my life..... really hummed my way through, but it turned out it's one way to self sooth AND activate the PNS. My body was working to calm itself, even if I didn't consciously understand.
Deep gargling does the same.
Splashing cold water on the face isn't just an old wive's tale in movies..... it works. I try to turn every shower cold and stand in it for 10 seconds, bc it helps.
Pushing on doorjambs with everything we have can help engage our PNS.... esp if we focus on taking deep breaths in and letting them out slowly. I do this when I'm so upset I CAN'T quiet my mind long enough to focus on breathing.... the fight or flight brain NEEDS to ACT NOW. Remember, it believes a threat, as big as a tiger, is chasing us. It's main goal is to get us OUT of danger. It doesn't care if we're harming ourselves with worry chemicals or inability to use our logic, creative problem solving brain...it just cares we don't get eaten by a tiger.
Walking backwards around a trash can helps some people while they focus on breathe. Not me, but some people find it helpful.
Walking slowly, heal to toe, thinking about my foot kissing the earth with every point of contact... is helpful to me. Not some people, but to me, yes.
I pick and choose and find what works and what doesn't.
The meditation part..... sitting and breathing. That wasn't what I thought it would be at all, btw.
It turned out to be something alltogeher different than what I'd built up in my mind.
I was asked to focus on the place in my body where I held the discomfort or pain or pressure inside my body. Usually it was my chest or throat..... I held in my emotions and they were trying to blow themselves OUT of my body...... and I put my hands on that place, named what I felt...... pain? Pressure? Sharp? Dull? Throbbing? I named it and gave it a number from 1-10 and I put my hands on it and breathed into it. For the sake of explanation..... say..... 4 seconds IN breathe, hold for 4 seconds and out 4 seconds. You can find all sorts of breathing and meditating if you look. It;s confusing to me, so having someone lead me through it really helped.
Aftr about 10 breaths I checked my discomfort or pain...... if it was improving I put my hands back over it, closed my eyes and breathed into it another 10 times, then checked it again and repeated till it was GONE, or stopped getting better.
If it was still there, I'd shift my focus to a neutral part of my body... usually the shins for me, then breathe into that for a while, same thing.... long regular breathing. At a point I'd be asked to open my eyes and notice the shapes and colors around me. The noices. The space in front of me.....beside me...... above me.....beneath me. So. Much.Space.
I was invited to breathe that space INTO my pain or discomfort and picture creating spaciousness around the discomfort... say.... with pink cotton candy or whatever you want to picture and use to hold the space you create...breathe in spaciousness around the pain and create more space and more......
then check the discomfort again.
And, to my amazemnt, every time I did this, the space I created HELD..... didn't leave. It remained and I began leaning how to practice the main principles of this without working so hard, or forgetting and beating myself up over it.
The main things were to:
Drop ALL judgement.Just.... STOP assigning judgment to EVERYTHING.
Replace the judgment with curiosity. Just get very curious what was BEHIND whatever came up......let it be what it was and wait to see why it was there, bc there's always something behind it if choose not to react or judge....but lean into what's there and trust we'll keep ourselves safe no matter what.
Most importantly... and this was a struggle......give ourselves unlimited self compassion.....like we're dealing with an infant we wish to protect and care for..... unending self compassion.
This where I learned to feel better and it will be different for you, but I want you to understand it's not just one way for everyone. It wasn't anything like I thought it had to be...... there is no one right way. You will find what works for you.
Finding the place in my body where I held the pain and pressure wasn't about breathing or meditating....but it was how meditation began for me.
NOticing what I was feeling and where...... was the beginning of understanding how stress entered and took up residence in my body...how the dis-ease took root and began growing into poor health, inability to focus or take on new information.
I'd lose my peripheral vision at some point.... and didn't realize it! I realized it during therapy sessions where noticing my peripheral vision came up...... and was restored....and scared me all the time, bc I was startled all the darned time by things I thought I saw every day,but didn't. Driving was a huge fearful thing, till I got my peripheral vision back... my neck stopped getting cranked around and stressed. I stopped fearing what was beside and behind me....and felt normal behind the wheel of the car again.
Practicing the little pieces meant I'd have larger epiphanies later....unexpectedly..... and see the pieces and the puzzle and fit things together unexpectedly.
I hope you find your pieces soon, P.
And breathe. Just breathe when you're stressed.
Lighter
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Ooooh, thank you Lighter. Lots of good stuff in your message. I copied, pasted, and printed so I can read it over slowly and consider all that you shared. I agree, the experience is different for everyone, and not always what we expect.
I had another rough night last night. 26 events per hour - 20 were central apneas. There also were thunderstorms going - I was not aware but W kept the dogs comforted. Tilly will hurt herself running up and down steps and trying to jump in and out of the tub. She is 13 years old now. She saw the chiropractor yesterday. W will wake up at the slightest noise, while I could sleep through a freight train. His I think is the amygdala. Not sure if mine is the PNS... will ponder and study on these.
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I had a Belgian Malinois so frightened of thunder he'd give himself cold tail.....which means his tail was paralyzed for a while after all the panic and fear created by the storm. They sell calming tonics and what not to help, but it's just so sad to see them suffer.
Interesting you sleep so soundly, which is good.... except for the apnea. Our bodies heal if they aren't busy digesting food.... enough oxygen seems necessary for the body to carry out normal functions. Do you know what your oxygen levels dip to and for how long?
I don't remember if you said the equipment measures your oxygen levels or not.
I hope you find a meditation practice making sense to you...... hopefully that you enjoy. It's easier to make a date with yourself and not break it, IME. If I give myself choice, it's too easy to put off, IME.
Lighter
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Our Tilly has a naturally docked tail - half aussie/border collie breed. We give her a calming pill which is echinacia by Terry Naturally. It helps.
My machine does not measure O2 stats, but that is a good question. My understanding with central apneas is I fall into such a deep sleep so quickly, then I stop breathing - I wake up just enough to breath, then fall deeply asleep. With this happening 20 or more times an hour, my sleep is not very restful. Last night's sleep had only 6 events per hour, with 2.5 being the central apnea type. I am amazed I survived with a congenital heart defect, alcoholism and sleep apnea! That combination was not good!
I need to make a date with myself for meditation. I tend to resist routine at every corner. I set alarm reminders for other things so I did that just now.
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Meditation has a cumulative effect on...... so many things. Unexpected things. Will different for you things, Phyll.]
Just jump in, doesn't have to be exact and it certainly won't be perfect. In fact, they call it "practice" for a reason. Dedicated monks are still practicing.... moment to moment..... just go back to the practice when you find yourself drifting off course. It's OK. Just notice it and go back to what you inteded to do. You get to be curious about how you proceed with meditatin too! No judgment is good across the board.
Hall passes for everyone!
Hope Tilly didn't suffer too much during the T-storms.
Lighter
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My new approach to meditation is to practice some form of contemplative meditation everyday, be it breath relaxation, a walk alone in the woods, journaling, prayer etc. everyday. I know I get the most out of it if I journal following meditation.
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I got nuthin'.
Or the truth is, I got a squirrel in my head.
I flunked meditation and finally accepted that, but I'm glad it's helping, because I've read the books and studies and know it's real.
Bravo, Phyll!
hugs
Hops
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I like Jason Stephenson's stuff for meditation, Phyll, he has loads on YouTube and often focused on specific things (anxiety, productivity, coping with change etc). I like his voice and his visualisations seem to work for me. I also find it helpful to put on 'music for protection' at night. I guess it's a placebo of some kind but what I find (and I don't know if this is the same for you) is that all my 'stuff' seeps out at night. So when I'm sleeping I get a lot of anxiety which is weird, how do you manage your feelings when you're not even conscious? But I do find I tend to sleep better if I have protection music on, I just leave it on a very low volume (if you put in 'Meditation Music for Protection' on YouTube there are loads, I tend to pick whatever appeals at the time). I also find hang drum music very relaxing and I find that good to have on in the background during the day when I'm doing other stuff.
I've been doing these exercises that were suggested to me on a PTSD forum ' Dropping Anchor'. I've been finding that helpful but it's also been 'releasing' stuff for me, which I have to go easy with. But you might want to have a look:
https://www.actmindfully.com.au/free-stuff/free-audio/
Yoga? I don't know if that's your kind of thing, but I find 'Yoga With Adrienne' very helpful - lots of specific targets (anxiety, sleep, feeling lonely etc) and a range of times so you can do short or long depending on what you feel you need. The problem I have is that I only focus on wellness stuff when I feel really ill. As soon as I start to feel better I start rushing around doing all the things I haven't previously had time to do. I'm trying to change that and get into a routine where I do the wellness stuff as a priority but I do find it hard.
And yep, like you say, I find a long walk, clearing out some cupboards, cleaning and rearranging furniture, any of those sort of tasks that you can do while your mind wanders somewhere else, I find all of that helpful. I hope things start to settle down for you a bit soon xx
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Awww Tupp. These are just what I was looking for. Thank you. I tried 2 of the short exercises, and 1 longer meditation on giving up control. I am a bit out of practice, as I came out of the 1/2 hour or so meditation about 25 minutes into it. It was very nice and I feel centered.
As I proceeded in the meditation the small purple / violet healing color I visualized expanded all around me. I found myself swimming, spinning freely within the colored expanse. When suggested to release control I observed the shackles and restraints leaving my body from every angle, at high speeds, and disappearing. And I felt joy.
8)
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I like adult coloring books and coloring mandalas. Yes it seems rather juvenile but it too is a form of meditation for me, as is water coloring, drawing or other modes of artistic expression. At times it teaches me patience because it takes a long time to complete.
At a retreat years ago we did an exercise in which each of us made our own mandala within a circle. The shapes and sizes of shapes drawn within the circle and filled with color were to represent where each of us spent our time and energy. As I neared completion of mine I realized where my life was out of balance, and what was missing that was important to me. The ever- elusive balance.
I have not felt a need to do that exercise since I retired, as I am so much less busy than I used to be. That may be precisely why I could benefit from doing one now. I might discover what is missing and can make adjustments in making good use (I will avoid the word productive) of my time. Not that productivity is a bad thing, especially if it earns a sense of accomplishment. It is just that my values on what I feel is important in my life has shifted. I don't want to feel so driven anymore. Enjoying life.
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So love that conclusion, P...really happy to read it!
A friend and I were visiting today and we kept bringing up various urgencies and worries and we-must-save-the-world-quick distresses, and she kept saying:
NO! I'm RETIRED!
Made me laugh but I took her point. Easing into my 70s, these thoughts are demanding a new balance. Don't give up on the world, but remember to love being in your own little world too.
(Glad W is calming down. May it last!)
hugs
Hops
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Oh, Phyll, I'm really glad you liked those meditations! It does feel like a little escape when you find something that can just take you somewhere else, even if it's just for five minutes. It always makes me feel that there's a door somewhere.
It's interesting what you wrote about the mandalas and working out your balance and what you want to do with your own life (instead of doing what you must/what keeps the wolf from the door/what keeps everyone else happy etc). I keep thinking a lot about what I want out of my life. I've been very focused on my son for a long time, and before that was very focused on my mother (!). Not through choice, I think she liked it that way. I keep thinking about how many bad things happen to us that are really not our fault - a bit like you with your neighbour - you just happened to be living where you are and for some reason you became part of his crazy narrative. Why? That always bothers me and I don't know that it's an answer that is possible to find. I guess if someone else had bought your house he'd have harassed them - location, rather than you or your partner, in the same way that my neighbour has already driven previous tenants away. It's not them personally he's harassing - he's just a clusterf**k and anyone in his path is affected by it. Some people in his life chose that - girlfriend, friends, I guess even the landlord? Others are like us, and just unlucky enough to be nearby when he goes off. I keep feeling like somewhere along the way, my soul got lost. I think it went when I was little, just kind of packed a bag and said "I'll be back once this stuff is over". And it just never came back. Maybe that's where the balance comes into it? We all have to make a living, do our day to day stuff, I think we all get caught in needing to achieve things? It's how we got on in life, isn't it? But maybe all the time we don't nourish our souls (or spirit or essence or inner child or whatever it might be), maybe we don't get happy? It will be interesting to see what your mandalas bring up for you now and whether it's very different to the ones you did in the past? I hope it brings up some interesting stuff, or some fun stuff, at least :) xx
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So love that conclusion, P...really happy to read it!
A friend and I were visiting today and we kept bringing up various urgencies and worries and we-must-save-the-world-quick distresses, and she kept saying:
NO! I'm RETIRED!
Made me laugh but I took her point. Easing into my 70s, these thoughts are demanding a new balance. Don't give up on the world, but remember to love being in your own little world too.
(Glad W is calming down. May it last!)
hugs
Hops
Hopsie, your post made me laugh, it reminded me of the lady who used to look after our cat :) She and her husband had looked forward to retiring for years and not having to do all the 'stuff' that you have to do in your younger years. But she said they'd been retired for three months and they were having coffee one morning when he said to her "are you bored?" and she said, "yes". So they opened up a luxury cattery in their back garden, it meant they could keep busy, be around people and indulge their love of kitty kats. It just always makes me laugh, I think that need to do 'something' is there, just maybe needs to be something different (and how cute! I'd love to look after kitty kats all day, all those cuddles and head scratches :) ) xx