Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on May 29, 2022, 05:05:49 PM

Title: Board season and usage...your take?
Post by: Hopalong on May 29, 2022, 05:05:49 PM
Hi y'all,
I've had a valuable pause to contemplate my Board life here. What with spring, people trying to roar back into life like freed zoo animals after caging, I'm not surprised most of us have gone quiet. Or gone outside!

The hiatus has also allowed me to think about several things that personally impact me about this place, where I've healed and learned SO much over the years:

1) Dependency that startled me. When Tupp went away for her own good reasons, I grieved. Partly because I miss Tupp -- her remarkable narratives/writing, her kindness, bravery, and regular engagement. The other part (less recognized by me of course) was how much I'd knit daily Board dialogue into my sense of safety. And purpose. Y'all have truly filled a void in my life, and have been my first and only online "phamily." Additionally, my own yearning to support and make a difference to a young woman not that much older than my D, probably needs little explanation. Likewise, things I've learned from each of you are uncountable. Sister teachers.

2) A desire to be positive and productive if the Board changes or ends, and not be shaken to the core by it. If it's a new "release the outcome" lesson then I can learn it and will be always grateful.

Anyway, the recent quiet here as everyone goes about their own meaningful business, has helped me wake up to my need to create more meaningful business in my 3D. I can do it. I'm reaching out for more connection and new activities (I've just been dubbed VP of the board for a local effort to start the Village concept here.)

That doesn't mean I want to give up on this precious place. I don't! I'll be hanging onto its ankles when Doc G gently makes a change one day.

Meanwhile, I ask a favor. Simply to help me wean myself more sturdily of going to the bookmark a couple times a day, would anyone be willing when you/they come back to post for your own timing/reasons (we might need each other more in winter)...to PM me: There's talk again on VESMB!

That would help me loosen my bony clutch to a more comfortable grip. Thanks if you do, and if you don't, not to worry. I'll check in anyway now and then. Couldn't NOT!

Love to all of you,

PS Given covid's new rise (2 friends are down) and this article: https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/2022/05/28/covid-memorial-day-surge/ (https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/2022/05/28/covid-memorial-day-surge/)-- I've been trying to think of life going forward as having two seasons:

--About six months of gentle or not-worse-than-firepit weather reframed as Visit Season, when I can see friends and have safe visits, and soak that into my bones

--Another six months mostly indoors alone, which I can reframe as Contemplative Season. A time to reflect, read, write, and work on caring for and enjoying home.
Title: Re: Board season and usage...your take?
Post by: sKePTiKal on May 29, 2022, 08:44:43 PM
I hear you Hopsie, m'dear.

Everyone I know - whether online or not - is "going thru it", including me. I've shut up, because I can't even post a positive "But! this is also going on". So, I know my lens on things is biased by how I feel. And I'm not feeling secure or good these days. Even though I've tried to make my posts hopeful - I've also worried maybe that is eliciting people's negative comparisons. Maybe I was able to take Tupp's decision more in stride because of it. I understand (I think) her choice and why she chose this way. She and son have to be her priority. She doesn't need to hear my "good news".

I don't think I've ever experienced such a time with so little hope or belief in the average person's ability to persevere and carry on. "Disheartened" doesn't really begin to describe it. I find myself apologizing more often, for my gloomy take on the "horror of the situation" we all find ourselves in, even though I KNOW I'm not personally responsible.

So, maybe we all go through tough times together this time. I'm still not giving up. I'm still going to extend kindness when/where I can. It can absolutely make all the difference even if we don't know that ahead of time. I refuse to believe our efforts - such as they are - are futile. It ALL matters. Hol seems to agree with me on these points and she is helping as she can.

My energy levels are depleted. It costs to give now, even if just compassionate listening. And it would be excellent if I knew just what it was I needed. But I don't even have that right now. It's like everything - in every realm: thought, intuition, a flash of insight - is all shrouded in fog. Because what's happening isn't in my control, it's not my responsibility, I can't "do anything" about it. All I can do is adapt & adjust; I can't promise overcome even. Just trying to survive.

I've heard, maybe, too many people's tales of what they're facing. I read between the lines of the propaganda-media. And I'm tired. It's hard to have enough ass behind me to make even simple things happen. That used to be my superpower. B helps sometimes too. But he expects me to hold down the fort - and not be dependent on him. And I'm trying my damndest to not be, too. My independence was hard won. Yet it's Hol doing all the manual labor, and thriving on it.

I dunno what this is Hops. I understand the silence. If we start talking & open the floodgates - it's going to be heavy. Everyone has challenges and are facing the same kinds of obstacles. I get pretty vulgar & plain-speaking if I get started... and I know that some people are intimidated by that. So........ self-censoring. I haven't even let myself say this stuff to Hol or Buck. And they both speak very plainly and to the point.
Title: Re: Board season and usage...your take?
Post by: CB123 on May 30, 2022, 02:01:20 PM
This is what's happening in Britain right now. It's horrifying. I hope that the situation is not the same in Scotland, since it's not mentioned in the article I have hope for Tupp. She was truly caught in a nightmare.

This board was an important part of my life during some dark times. A lot of important social supports were being pulled out from under me. But, like Tupp, when I was having to spend time repairing the wreckage, I had a harder time keeping up here. I have sure treasured watching everyone's journey--we sure havent stayed where we were! I tend to be a glass full kind of person, and I have learned from my kids how annoying that is sometimes. I dont know why I'm wired that way, but I've learned to keep it to myself and just sit quietly with them when they are upset. I know that's what Tupp needs most right now, but if you only know each other on a chat board--dont even know each other names--sitting quietly with someone looks like total absence. I hope that Tupp knows that I am sitting quietly with her during this time.

By the same token, I dont know how to share my own circumstances without accentuating the positive, even some dark humor (my favorite kind), but that is a real insult to some people and you never know who they are until you've offended them. The older I get the less I talk and that is, again, an impossible position on a chat board. In real life, you could watch a movie together or go for a walk, but when your only interaction is writing, with no ability to communicate with body language (or see it), there's just so much room for misunderstanding. (I'm from the south--we use our hands a lot and roll our eyes a lot!)

The last 15 years has been a journey of letting go of everything that made up my identity, belief system and church family, political beliefs, work and partner, being settled into a home, being a mother and a caretaker, a wage earner and independent. Even my grandkids moved away. I feel like I am suspended a bit in the space that is left, coming to grips with how transitory those things are and how lucky I am to realize that in spite of the profound grief of letting them go. And there it is--my weird-ass optimism that is too annoying to express to people who are actively grieving their losses.

So, I dont have many comments any more, but I enjoy lurking and following the journeys of old friends and celebrating how far we've come!
Everything changes, especially the internet! I really enjoy how much easier it is to stay up on world events, learn a new gardening technique or enjoy music or art from all over the world. We really live in amazing times for readers. Right now I'm watching a group of lectures on the history of Eastern Europe. Amazing and makes what's happening in the world today seem so much less random. Did you know Kyiv celebrated its 1540th year anniversary yesterday? Its almost a thousand years older than Moscow and has been taken over numerous times by numerous countries in history. I am fascinated.

Much love

Title: Re: Board season and usage...your take?
Post by: Hopalong on June 01, 2022, 12:59:16 PM
Amber, I understand fog on the mountain. I hope the mountain can help ground you as this country (and world) grinds through such a tragic time. Wish I knew whether it's an end or a new beginning; it'll be both I guess, and both hard.

I'm always glad to read your narratives because they're so evocative. I hope Buck does get his butt moved to you soon and stays put a while.

I don't fear your opinions and always always learn from you. I feel a little lost too but am managing so far to bat away despair. Only thing that works is to focus in the present and in my place. And also (for me) to maintain and cherish all the connections I can.

Title: Re: Board season and usage...your take?
Post by: Hopalong on June 01, 2022, 01:01:08 PM
You're thoughtful, perceptive and sound so grounded in reality. I really admire how you embrace optimism and whatever's positive in your chapter, space and time.

And your endlessly-curious mind, probably the greatest companion of all.

Title: Re: Board season and usage...your take?
Post by: Hopalong on June 01, 2022, 01:04:56 PM
During a quiet period here, you've been such good company: fierce, persistent, determined and kind. I've really appreciated your narrative, even about properties.

Phyll, Mouse, who'm I missing? Doc G, how's managing the board working for you these days?

I'll keep popping in.

Title: Re: Board season and usage...your take?
Post by: sKePTiKal on June 02, 2022, 08:40:15 AM
Hops, you know how many different hats I wear. Usually, it's possible only because those roles aren't active all at the same time. Recently, I DID have to deal with months of that situation. And the DD, that I'm teaching all about the company and how to keep it viable, while also plodding along developing the farm... and I have developed a dynamic that is an added burden. She doesn't mean to; it's just that we're the ones holding down the fort and turn to each other a lot as a result.

Eventually, even the strongest & most determined get all used up. And that's where I am. Finally swimming back to the surface again - but there's still a ways to go.

All the things I was dealing with, were extremely important personal crap... in this brave new world we're in. It's been years now, that I've weaned myself back from the FOMO induced search for answers from any news source or forum of personal opinion. I live in a world of mostly silence, save the natural sounds of my environment. It at least gives that part of my brain a rest. But, resolution was like trying to pull a steak from a lion's teeth. So, of course I made a few stumbles and mistakes. And of course, I doubted myself. And of course, in the process of trying to help, Hol kept suggesting I be/do like she does. And that's NOT ME. It doesn't work for me as a strategy. Just not my path. I wonder where she learned that was how to help? LOLOLOLOLOLOL. It's not a point of contention; just a recognition.

So, I've started to really REST. And that includes not really having anything to say. I don't even want to be heard. It's the only way I'll have brain space & energy to dream again. I don't have to completely drain my fuel tank of life force, getting things done - where's the race? where's the yardstick... and what is it measuring? My value? I stopped measuring value that way a decade or more ago. The only person who thinks to even ask if I'm OK, is Buck.

Silence and rest are where I repair myself. It's different than simply calling a "vacation day or weekend"; with no schedule and no rules. It's an intentional time/space to let me catch up to me again, breathe, sense and feel, and do what I need to do, on my own timeline. So I become a ghost for a bit.

Still haven't addressed my toilet issues around here, as a result. The redundancy is over the top; I can be down 2 toilets and not have an issue. Because my energy has gone into cleaning up and tying loose ends of one of the big things that got me here in the first place. I dogsit Knuckles tomorrow, so S can get to work and Hol probably has a location night shoot on Friday, so won't be back till Saturday. My kitties are going to all want to be outside.

Title: Re: Board season and usage...your take?
Post by: lighter on June 02, 2022, 11:50:03 PM
Hi, Hops:

Youngest dd and I have yet another virus..... something making us terribly weak and involves lungs, unlike the Covid in my case, and I think my arm is healing... doc has me in a compression sleave with ice and I think I've overdone the antinflammatories bc I have itchy rashes and  suspect my liver and kidneys are sucking huge great winds, so....... I've been peeking in on the board, but otherwise feeling very vulberable an unwell, which I suck at.  I tend to turn inward and go quiet...... it's difficult to  ask for.... diffcult to accept help.

I'm enjoying the new season of Alone....... sipping fresh bone broth, drinking tons of water and unable to find the Milk Thistle my brother threw into the trash when I bought it for his poor fatty liver....... he actually asked if I'd bought it for him, I said Yes I had, then he said "Well....then" and threw them in the trash forcefully... sneering at me......and I wish I had them for myself, but can't find them, darnit.  I hope whatever is up with my brother, many other things right now, is just a tough patch, but he reminds me so much of our father.  His words.... his cadence..... his view of women...... his perception of our worth and I'm not sure he's aware of it, himself.  I suspect the company he keeps impacts these changes, but it's very sad bc he was so amazing.  I really saw growth and maturity and he was being so respectful.

And I don't feel at the mercy of.... I don't feel victimized.... I recognize my part in this an I realize brother is responsible for behaving like an adult and managing to be civil.... or not.  I've released expectations and it's better.... now.

I'm not taking it personal, just try9ing to heal and pay attention to my inner world.  Sippin bone brother...... drinking my water....
I saw and tried a way to braid the very front triangle of my hair..... at the hairline, then puff it up a bit and pull it back through a ponytail behind it..... it's ME and it woild be very simple if I don't braid it all the way down, which is too far.  Next time will be easier.

I'm not gone, Hops.... just resting in awareness.... trying to strengthen up and finish healing this body I must take better care of.... same goes for my mind and spirit.

Amber.... you take care of yourself and keep returnin to believing in yourself.  I love the sound of you being in nature.... wtih quiet enough to find your center and trust it.

Hops, how are you doing?


Title: Re: Board season and usage...your take?
Post by: sKePTiKal on June 03, 2022, 08:39:07 AM
Thanks Lighter. I have been absolutely resting. Feeding myself & the kitties, trying to knock off the home maintenance items one at a time - and just dealing with the new stuff my investigations turn up. My tax situation this year is almost resolved and I think this was the biggest elephant vulture weighing me down... I think it probably magnified the importance of the rest of the stuff. Kind of a responsibility panic attack. Low level - but persistent.

Had a good visit with Deb. I think she's pegged Hol's reaction to "world affairs" accurately... and will try sussing that out over time. Hol came home early from work (no idea why yet) but the timing was fortuitous.

So eventually, no matter how strong & determined one is... you just have to put it down every so often before you use up all your life force. Or you'll get sick and be FORCED to.

Sorry to hear you're under the weather again. I like NOW for my herbal supplements; pretty sure they have milk thistle. Lately I've been using Woodland Essence (out in California, but they ship fast) due to their stock of the rare herbs I'm using for B, as an antibiotic enhancer/substitute. Both are easily found online.

Hops, why am I getting the impression that you're getting really bored and feeling lonely?
Title: Re: Board season and usage...your take?
Post by: Dr. Richard Grossman on June 03, 2022, 01:39:15 PM
"... Doc G, how's managing the board working for you these days?"

Hi Hops (and everyone!),

Even though Iíve played a different ďroleĒ on the message board for over two decades, Iíve read thousands of posts from long-term members, and the people Iíve gotten to know are like family members to me as well.  As a result, itís painful to lose them on the board.  But Iíve felt very lucky to know all of you for so long.  You have each played an important role in my life.

We are all going through such difficult times.  Those of us who are lucky are able to share our experiences with others who understand, ďget itĒ and can ďtake inĒ our own individual perspectives. But Iím afraid those who can do this are very few.  As a result, I hope the message board continues to help in this way, and Iíll keep it running as long as I can.

Take care,


Title: Re: Board season and usage...your take?
Post by: Hopalong on June 03, 2022, 05:11:30 PM
Hi Lighter,
Never heard you sound SO sick.
Sounds like you're doing every right thing to get well, but I know you hate to slow down (which, in circular fashion, could be why you have to?).
I hope you heal fast or if it's slow, that you go with the time it takes....yikes.
Keep us posted when you feel like it.

Your brother's behavior is so petty and spiteful. What a shame he's reverted. I remember once a children's therapist told me a child takes out their anger on the parent they feel safest with. He's not technically a child, but...

I'm doing okay, thanks for asking. Do feel some rough waves, I think because I just don't have that feeling of daily connection that I'd like to. And because I am reeling from a huge estimate to rebuild my sunken patio (that might damage the foundation due to poor drainage) and some other unexpected financial hits.

Everyone's doing their best, as I am, but the country as a whole is heartbreaking.

Amber, you too got smacked with illness, dang. Both you and Lighter always sound like the real Amazons to me so what a bummer. I like hearing you respect your body and also accept your age/changing chapter, regarding your limits with peace and acknowledging what is needed (and not needed) now.

I have far to go in terms of fitness and nap a lot. But I'm gradually getting some more things done, in baby steps.

You're perceptive as ever. I just don't have the energy to do physical things that would take my mind off the sociogeopolitical tragedies that fill my head, and haven't been as disciplined as I need to be to block the inflow of horror and worry. But I'm making progress there too.

Everyone I know seems raw, feeling a lot of pain. So I'm treading lightly. Some friends are coming by and I'm escaping for a couple days in two weeks, to visit my dear old friends in their new place/state. Always painful to drive through my D's city but it's also a beautiful drive. Pooch is coming as I can't afford to splurge on a dog sitter any more. This wee break will be easy though, and she is welcome with them.

I'm hosting the tiny group for the second installment of FFFFF this weekend (funnyfabulousfeministfilmfriday) and laughing will do us all so much good. Second special by Hannah Gadsby. Time after that, we're doing Wanda Sykes.

Even though you've so pinpointed my present frame of mind, I know it gets better.

Doc G -- thank you. Hope you know what a mensch you are. The kind brother or uncle I never had.

Title: Re: Board season and usage...your take?
Post by: Dr. Richard Grossman on June 05, 2022, 08:20:50 AM
Thanks, Hops!  Making a significant difference in the lives of individual people has been the meaning/purpose of life for me, and I have done my best. 

As always,


P.S.  I didnít know Yiddish was spoken in your neck of the woods!
Title: Re: Board season and usage...your take?
Post by: Pseudo Mouse on June 05, 2022, 09:58:35 PM
I've consumed too much political social media this past year. It happened accidentally, so now I think I'm going to try and go back to being a plebeian lumpenproletariat because political consciousness isn't really helping me in my personal life right now.

I've started waking up every morning to a panic attack and a nightmare. Sigh.

Seems there is a general down-tempo to the board from what y'all are saying. So oh well that's fine, it's life right. Everything is life.
Title: Re: Board season and usage...your take?
Post by: lighter on June 08, 2022, 11:15:50 AM
Oh, Hops..... I understand the upset around the news cycle and world events I can't control. 

That your sunken patio reqires time and expenses is unfortunate.  It was a place you enjoyed and now it's problematic. It's the same with my backyard, now full of the dreaded Necrotic Ring Spots..... just not what I needed and is cause to pivot fom the moss....for me.  Not sure what that means, but it's OK. It's going to have to be OK. 

I've missed the board too...... and I'm still here.  No intention to leave, but darn..... I'm trying to build myself back up, sit with the vulnerability and look toward the future with fresh eyes. 

I know I'm growing through the injury and illness.  It's OK to heal and restore and I'm doing my best to make the most of this down time..... trying not to judge it good or bad.... just pay attention to what's here.

Mouse.... I'm sorry you're struggling so much...... it must be very difficult to wake up and go to bed with so much anxiety.  I hope you find a way to cultivate more peace for yourself.  It helps no one when you worry worry worry, about things you can't change, at the expense of your serenity.