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81

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2026

« Last post by Hopalong on April 08, 2026, 04:55:32 PM »

I've been hijacking thread topics right and left, sorry, so thought I'd respond to your last post on Friendship Moments thread here instead:

I Googled "best native tree species for steep rocky soil in [your state]. Fun! Then I thought, if anybody's ever done this type of search Amber did it years ago. LOL.

Otherwise, your gardens sound so appetizing, though my next suggestion wouldn't perhaps quite suit that theme: ever thought of safe composting of humanure from composting toilets? I'm a sustainability nerd even though I can't do much of anything interesting because of my back, and it fascinates me because of global ecological implications. It CAN be safely processed in a separate compost set of bins and damn, maybe those hungry gardens would go nuts with that kind of nourishment? After two years of proper composting, it's as safe as any other compost and dramatically more powerful for soil.

[NO offense will be taken should this inspire a recoiling smackdown....lol.]

On the home front, my miracle helper came for an hour today to help (well, to DO nearly all of it) a big unload of the glass-door kitchen floor cabinet my grandfather made around 1900. She stacked all the contents on the big teak table in the back room (otherwise known as the laundry sorting precinct) so the installers can move the cabinet back there while they work on the new floor.

So tomorrow Pup and I vacate the premises at the crack of dawn (845am) and he gets dropped at the play camp and dog spa place for all day or until they're done. I will be wandering like a homeless wraith from friend to friend and will need two heating pads when I get home. BUT THE WILD MARMOLEUM WILL BE THERE! I'm very excited about it. It was a forced renovation but gives me a chance to re-experience a home improvement to my quirky heart's content.

Back to dreaming of Amber's gardens. I could take a road trip and come poo in them if you'd like, just to show how it's done. Oh har har. Hops is losing it.

hugs
Hops

82

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.

« Last post by Hopalong on April 08, 2026, 02:47:44 PM »

Congratulations, Meh. I think you've taken a very important step. (I wrote you a big post but couldn't post it.)

I remember. You'd asked what to focus on and I had a bunch of suggestions: yes to negativity volume, depression, and sharing just how much research and reading you've done as you focused on Nism. One thing I resisted most with a previous (excellent) T was when I'd go and THIS is N right and THIS is N right?

He would kind of "bat" the N label aside as helpful but not important which often freaked me out a little, and guide me into examining my own pain, disappointment and damage or reflexes that resulted from my mother (and others) having that personality disorder. But the reason MY butt was in the chair was really to examine myself and different things I could choose or try in order to heal from the pain of it all.

I feel so hopeful for you. You deserve to give therapy a chance to help.
There's almost nothing in my life I'm more grateful than the chances to heal myself that therapy helped me discover. (And about the temptation to spend the first year picking apart everything the T said, forgot to say, or said because they weren't perfectly insightful or had a tone-deaf moment. Been there, done that and got the Tshirt.)

hugs
Hops

83

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by sKePTiKal on April 08, 2026, 08:20:07 AM »

I don't have many cedars around. There are young redbuds down to the Hut, but I seem to have very few up here on the cliff. It's too rocky I think. But I do have witchazel - IF they survived the winter. And have started some American Elder, for berries to make syrup from. We're going to plant those this spring.. they're in a "holding bed" right now... I'm starting a couple non-traditional (ie herby) hedgerows where the grass doesn't grow - it's all weeds and tree stumps. Making green "outdoor rooms". Witchy circles around my house and fire pit.

Some things just don't grow here. Some things will struggle - my grosso lavender, for instance. It's due to the fact that topsoil is very thin here. I've been trying to add topsoil/compost to every new "bed" I make between boulders. And this year, I need to top dress with compost. The yarrow I started last year is doing well; St. John's Wort; Valerian, Wormwood. My horehound and hyssop don't like where they are. And I'm worried about the comfrey. Anyone want some lamb's ear?? I have it coming out my ears!! (note to self - maybe move it into the path of the hedgerow with the lilacs and elders and if I get them ordered - rosa rugosa.

Potatoes might could go in this weekend in veggie bed. It was 19 degrees last night and the kitty's water bowl froze. Maybe some spinach in the close raised bed. Then it's on to seeds.

B leaves the 21st to come home and get his pre-surgery tests done. Plenty of time for garden tilling.

84

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.

« Last post by sKePTiKal on April 08, 2026, 08:01:18 AM »

Meh, of course you're tired! This kind of work takes a lot of energy - and it's a different kind of energy than what got used when developing your current coping-with-Ns strategy.

Getting some distance from Nism is always step one. It gives a person a chance to relax, which allows seeing different things; thinking different things. Start taking care of yourself - which may feel "fake" along with "who you are" in social/work interactions. (I know work for me, always seemed like a different hat I was wearing, role I was assuming - but in the end, it is one of the "skills" I can wield.)

Therapy seems to work very slowly in the beginning. You do have to give it a fair chance. Best of luck!

85

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by Meh on April 07, 2026, 11:34:44 PM »

Rarely see redbuds here on west coast. Have seen them and wondered what they are because interesting. There are a very very few like one or two. Apparently they don't like the type of cold and wet here.

86

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.

« Last post by Meh on April 07, 2026, 11:30:08 PM »

-- I talked to the person and it went okay. I do wish I was near enough to the person that it could be an in-person counseling session.

-- Had anticipated talking to this therapist person so much that I kept stressing about it as if the perfect magical words could unlock the right therapy.

-- I am tired tonight.

87

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.

« Last post by Meh on April 07, 2026, 03:21:08 PM »

- It feels like a can of worms.
- Like everything is a "trauma response" --- confusion is a "trauma response" to cognitive dissonance etc.

88

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.

« Last post by Meh on April 07, 2026, 03:15:41 PM »

Today I have a pre-phone appointment to talk to a therapist who specializes in narcissism.

They want to know what my goals are I think.

- I know working on awareness about personal agency is one of them
- I know that I want to be more aware about the things I can do to be like "higher-functioning" whatever that means
- I know like larger goals are quality of life though I feel I can only work on small goals right now
- I have social anxiety which I am ashamed of
- Sometimes I get stuck and I don't make decisions fast enough and it because a self-sabotage maybe
- Life kind of demands constant pivots and big decisions and I just feel like I can only manage small things
- I do not know if I am being REAL in life or if I am sticking a lot of energy into being fake -- and maybe I just feel this way because last job was high-customer contact and one IS EXPECTED to put on a shell-face.
- Oh the GAD
- The possible ADD
- The big bugaboo -- the covert N has never been diagnosed with Covert N -- I am the only witness in the family -- brother dead and nobody else cares -- The Covert N is basically now starving themselves to death. I have been shoving plates of food into their gross claw hands without making eye contact or saying anything -- they are so pathetic.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

??? 

What are your opinions?  -- What should I talk to the therapist about.
- my rumination....
- my negativity?  -- criticism --

I don't know honestly I think the big things for me are -- agency and learning how to build a 3-D group of friends and support etc.

89

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by Hopalong on April 07, 2026, 10:36:36 AM »

What a beautiful metaphor about the redbuds, Amber.
I'm not surprised you've got poetry skill along with the rest of your creativity!

They're (redbuds) up and down my street and make my heart happy.
I have a smaller one out back that's coming along happily.

I keep telling myself I've got to sacrifice the fungus-riddled dogwood out
front but now it's in full pink bloom and oof, it's too hard to "pull the trigger."

Lately, also been thinking that maybe I don't have to time it perfectly and
I can just let it live until the wilt and gray patches leave me no choice.

Back to serviceberry dreams. The flame one would also be amazing in fall.
I also looked up whether it's vulnerable to the same fungus attacking dogwoods,
and it's not. Whew! But watch out if there are nearby cedars, which
host a rust fungus that does attack serviceberries.

I think some plants need to get into therapy, do you? LOL.

hugs
Hops

90

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by sKePTiKal on April 07, 2026, 08:03:34 AM »

I'm not fussed about the eye situation. It can take months for light sensitivity floaters to diminish. Cheap sunglasses!

There is no escaping pollen when your work is outdoors! But opening windows invites it INTO the house. (Learned not to do that at the beach). Some years are worse than others, so we'll see what this spring brings. It doesn't last too long. Local wildflower honey in tea is effective - but it's not a quick fix.

I really don't like the springs where its 80+ for a week and then back in the 20s at night for a week. I have to have base layers AND shorts/tank tops at hand depending on the day. But everything is SOOO pretty right now. Trees leafing out/blooming - redbuds are like sparks of fire in the green.