Recent Posts

81

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Nothing much really

« Last post by lighter on August 03, 2025, 01:31:28 PM »

Your mother has her limits, as far as how far she'll escalate to gain your compliance, goes, IME.

You likely have an idea how far that is.  I find getting slapped around in Court dulls a PD's energy......so don't fear the hearing.  Might be a big surprise.

Focus on your evidence, like .....
1.Texts from mother and her flying monkeys.
2. Notes
3. Calendar of her unhinged calls, actions, etc.
4. Your calm responses.

Best not to mention anything you can't back up with evidence, IME.  Just talking about PD behavior can make us appear unhinged IF we aren't backing it up with evidence, IME.

Your facts will inform the theory of your case/ your story, future actions, bc you're documenting, in case you get dragged back into court again.

Remember, when you put the negative stories on a shelf (fig.) you're able to pick up joyful things instead.

I find focus, on one thing, is a joyful activity.  Doing dishes, putting a bird feeder out, discovering a happy bathing ritual....can all be walking meditation, IME.  Doing that, often requires I pretend to put the negative stories on an actual, imagined shelf. 

Whatever works for ya, is right for you, ((Meh.))

Lighter

82

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Nothing much really

« Last post by Meh on August 03, 2025, 12:51:35 PM »

"it's easy to ramble when an unhinged person is involved, IME.

No rambling.  The court will have a very narrow focus, and you'll do well to figure it out, and address ONLY that, IME."

Thanks Lighter. I'm reading your thoughts. I appreciate it.

I went from asking WHY to feeling dismayed and asking HOW DID THINGS GET SO BAD which is probably just another version of asking WHY do N's do what they do. Now I am just rather tired. Had breakfast. Going to do personal work today I guess. Try to be organized. Try to be proactive and take action steps instead of laying in bed all day. I will get some stuff done. And I will feel slightly better for getting some stuff done.

83

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by sKePTiKal on August 03, 2025, 09:20:14 AM »

Well I finally got a BREAK from the 'piling on' of things needing done... and drama. AFTER I had one of those nuclear explosion type of wielding the power of my "station in life". I was watching one situation quietly with intuition & observation fully engaged for months - and I had to stop it before it got completely out of control.

There is a list of things that this Mercury Retrograde dropped on us - all of us. Big and little. I just finallly reached the "Make it STOP" point.

Knuckles suddenly got ill; spent the night at Emergency Vet for extensive testing. He has Addison's Disease. It's an extreme hormonal imbalance. Left untreated it can be fatal.

Hol was already beside herself upset, because contractor friend was working on a purely cosmetic "fun" project he'd been asked to help with. There were problems with every aspect of this project, from the get-go. Starting with: he'd spec'd incredibly heavy beams, that he was going to timberframe (with no experience and only 1 very young and inexperienced helper) WITHOUT any communication at all with Hol ('coz she is a "bitch") except to make her his go-fer for tools, supplies, etc that he didn't/couldn't bring to do the job.

Friend also brought along his 6 yo son, because Mom was about to deliver little sibling and expected me to entertain, and watch him. (Note that I'm paying him for his work and not getting paid for "childcare"). He wouldn't eat any foods at meals; not hotdogs; not pizza, not more than 3 bites of yogurt for breakfast. Dad said he could eat any snack from the box, throughout the day. Kid never left their room all week. Stayed on his computer the whole time, except to grab a snack. Despite having an en suite room, had an accident one day. OH, and he would only demand my attention if there was a bug in his room - which he was so terrified of bugs, he'd have screaming meltdowns over moths swarming the porchlight. Kid would NOT interact with me, didn't ask questions, and would look away when I asked him.

I'd heard suspicions that kid had suffered neglect & abuse - at Mom's. I didn't press him, just kept trying to offer foods he liked: watermelon & strawberries - and then he didn't eat them. By Thursday I was DONE. Beyond frustrated; fielding Hol's complaints about friend not even keeping her in the loop about dog management, trips to go-fer, or even how things were going. Friend's complaints about Hol. And his worst sin, was running B ragged trying to find the kinds of tools needed and using him all day long without ASKING or appreciating B's limitations.

Then he asked to get paid a day early, so he could get to the bank and go shopping for more drill bits he insisted were required. Hol & I had that afternoon to compare notes. That was the evening I became 10 ft. tall, and ballistic. It was late & the guys were proceeding to make a rowdy porch evening of it after I THOUGHT he'd put the kid to bed; I'd gone to bed - and they were THAT loud. Told him he was DONE; and I expected him to leave in the morning. Did.

He will NOT be back. Until he actually talks to Hol and explains himself; apologies aren't accepted as sincere.

I understood the scope of the project. I understood the heat & humidity was brutal. I understood he had no clear plan from the beginning, much less the tools to accomplish it. It was a total shitshow and the icing on the cake was his entitled bossy attitude with Hol, B and I the whole time. I am still angry over the dishonesty. There is SOMETHING going on with him, that was never brought up.

That was the biggest thing. Then B and I started working on the rest of the list - only to be informed on one of Hol's trips to the vet, that the sirens I'd heard early that morning was from an accident taking out ALL our mailboxes at the end of the road, at the highway. SIGH. MORE stuff to "do".

On our necessary errand trip and to pick up mail at PO, my phone rang 4 times; one after the other. Because I just don't drive and talk, I pulled over and called Hol back. She was hysterical and crying. She'd been string trimming at her place and sliced into a yellow jacket nest. In 15 mins she was swollen & covered in hives; severe allergic reaction. I was still 10 mins from home. She said she couldn't wait; was dropping Knuckles at my house and driving to ER. Yes, it was anaphylaxis. She now has 2 epipens. B needs some too - but we're very careful of his allergies. This was the first time she's ever reacted this severely; but we probably should've known after her poison ivy reaction the month before. 911 not an option; it would've taken 20 mins to get here and another 20 to get to hospital. Brave lass is determined to survive.

The close call endeth (I fervently HOPE) our litany of woes for awhile. It has certainly impacted her way of just diving in on things and being more careful; not pressing her luck. This week, we've just been lazy and enjoying the cooler weather. Recovering. Resting.

The necessary consultations have begun on the elevator project. It's going to be slow-moving thing until I'm comfortable with the contractors, then things should move right along. I've been just luxuriating in not having any "have tos" hanging over our heads. Whew!

84

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Nothing much really

« Last post by lighter on August 02, 2025, 07:19:12 PM »

Oh.....such a familiar cadence to the PD legal dance.  Forcing one to disprove negatives, with no consequences, for making false allegations.

And, for what?  Her actions are nonsensical.... bc they make no sense.

As Brother Mud said to me ..... it's a waste of time trying to make sense of something that will never make any sense.

It's good you stopped trying.....
stopped needing it to make sense, Meh. That's a big step towards healing, IME.

About the legal documents.....you have to answer, bc I've seen TROs granted when the Defendant didn't show.  No one needs a restraining order on their permanent record.

I will say this, about representing yourself at any hearing......if the Judge seems perplexed at your mother's actions towards you.....
don't be afraid to ask that Judge for a TRO barring further harassment from your mother.  Judges can, and have, granted TROs, in my affairs, without my filing a thing.....I didn't even have to ask.  The Judge clearly understood what needed to happen.  He granted a TRO. It was in the record. 

Your mother might well suffer a consequence for her actions.  Maybe this hearing will be a needless bother.  Maybe it'l won't.

In any case, there are rules to speaking in Court and to Court officers.

1.  Speak like you're talking to a very young child you want to understand you.

2.  Do not tell your listener what to think, feel or do.  Instead,refer to your evidence, before hand, then state your strongest documented facts, without expectation.  You want your listener to come to their own opinions, that way, they might punish your mother for you.
3.  If anyone says something ignorant or profoundly stupid about you, treat it as an opportunity to educate your listeners....as though you're helping them.

Do not get angry, exasperated, or react in any way.  You remain calm, steady and self assured....you understand what's happening with your mother.  You'll help the court understand too.
Don't interrupt, or say negative things about anyone.  Always address your mother/everyone, in and out of the room, respectfully and with compassion. 

Keep your statements super short.  Always.  Eye on the ball..... it's easy to ramble when an unhinged person is involved, IME.

No rambling.  The court will have a very narrow focus, and you'll do well to figure it out, and address ONLY that, IME.

Once it's over, it's over.  Your mother will try to muddy the water.  You'll stay focused.  The Judge will not be pleased with nonsensical behavior in their court.

As you said....this shall pass.

Lighter

85

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Nothing much really

« Last post by Meh on August 02, 2025, 04:01:22 PM »

It's Saturday and I am just now scrolling through this restraining order court document thing. I thought the judge had denied it. I have no idea. What is written on there is really awful. It's very weird. And she is using the phrase "our family" in a way that intentionally excludes me entirely from everything. She is really bat shit crazy. Well if I have to do a hearing I am attempting to do it by phone first thing in the morning so I can get it over with and go to work. She listed anxiety and depression on the form like these are character flaws that I have. This is just a very weird situation. But like everything it will pass. I just don't see why I have to defend myself against her accusations. I think she is asking for a court ordered mental evaluation.

Lighter "I'm curious, if the thought of having a TRO, on your mom, creates feelings of comfort, dread or something else, for you."

It all just stresses me out and it feels like a negative distraction. The way I think and feel about the courts is that I don't really want to participate in this stuff. I just want to move on. I don't want to THINK about it that much. I want the hearing to be by phone and I want it over with. I don't have any legal stuff on my permanent record and I don't want anything on my record. I think it's gross that she filed these papers to begin with.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out the "WHY" of stuff but I don't even want to do any of that anymore.

I've got other things I have to do today. I don't see why I have to prove my mental health in court because she is forcing me to do that?? I've got other things going on in my life it all feels like it's piling on.

86

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by lighter on August 02, 2025, 11:27:29 AM »

Trigger warning for parents.  There's generational trauma.... reckonings?, for some of my favorite people, ongoing, but coming to a most painful point, right now.  Does any parent escape dreaded reckonings? I don't know any....well....

Yup.  At least one of the likely BPD/Ns in my life has.  Skinnied right through it, while finger pointing, and spewing terrible, egregiously untrue lies about those who knew who they truly are.  What they've done....will always do.

Peck's book, People Of The Lie, comes to mind.....people with powerful and destructive narratives they pathologically can't see beyond, or even fathom, IME. 

All that energy, spent destroying/trying to destroy truth tellers and their  credibility....when it would have taken a fraction of time, to self reflect, and apologize, but....
was never an option.

Acceptance......some people are pathologically unable to self reflect and/or apologize.  Unable to consider their part in ANYTHING at all. That's a really hard pill to swallow, when children/FOO are involved ...in any direction. 

One adopts the PD'svnarrative, to remain in that chaotic orbit, or one detonates a bomb/series of escalating bombs, and that can feel like a never ending abyss, IME. 

Ack, thinking about that flipped my stomach, and took my breath away.  Esp for a child/grown child to face.  So so so sad.  For a parent to face. That bond, as it is, as it was dreamed of, and all the points in between.

My youngest still yanks me around....a bit.  Reminding me of all the times I had no resources to consider her opinions, so she made herself small and helpful and no trouble, as long as she could. I know when it's connected to that trauma, bc she's reactive, with overblown opposing opinions and judments......reminding me to be so very proactive....to gently consider her and her feelings, well ahead, of decisions involving her.  We're catching up, and it's been so painful, but healing. Worth the pain, definitely.

Therapy, for me, means I'm less reactive, more responsive....able to see what's really there. Self reflect, ouch, and take ownership.

I can't imagine, facing that abyss, without a trusted T's guidance.  Avoiding dead ends and scenic routes, IME.  Keeping things moving......keeping focus.

People go from one distraction to another, avoiding their pain.  It's how humans are wired. 

My avoidance informs how difficult it must be for those, with coping strategies, denying any and all fault, ime.

 I believed everything is my fault.....so ...a more expedient path through dark nights of the soul, IME.   Increases the amount of information coming in, and possibility to internalize, at least pieces, IME.

Lighter



 

87

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Nothing much really

« Last post by lighter on August 02, 2025, 10:01:27 AM »

What Hops said, Meh.

All that, and.....
there can be comfort in pd's showing everyone what they are.....
what they do.....
what they've been doing, to others, all this time...escalate, till they gain compliance.

I'm curious, if the thought of having a TRO, on your mom, creates feelings of comfort, dread or something else, for you.

That's more involvement....more fodder....more time stolen from your serenity.

Escaping, her orbit, is better.

As I read your posts, I picture you pulling yourself, from a very sticky swamp, Meh.....
and you're mostly out.

Lighter

88

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Nothing much really

« Last post by Hopalong on August 02, 2025, 01:16:25 AM »

I'm sorry, Meh.
A toxic family survival dance.

I hope you can keep your balance and dance out of her orbit.

I do think reading it all carefully including any fine print is a good idea, even if on a quick glance it sounds like the judge didn't buy it. Just be sure.

Using the legal system to bully someone is really wrong; my brother did it to me and tore my life up for several years. It was hell. I hope this one goes nowhere.

What a shock. Breathe, be well anyway.

hang in there,
Hops

89

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Nothing much really

« Last post by Meh on July 31, 2025, 03:55:35 PM »

for F sake... I'm at work opened my personal laptop on my lunch break for a quick personal task ... and of course I see court documents about my mother ATTEMPTING TO get a restraining order against me and looking at it for 60 seconds looks like the judge denied it as not criminal and not a legal issue

I am going to close it go back to my personal tasks and try to do some deep breathing. This is a new level of messed up even for my N mom. I wonder if it's also related to aging but I don't care.

And I will have to look at it closer tonight. Have never seen one of these before.

90

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Adventures in renovations... again

« Last post by lighter on July 31, 2025, 08:17:59 AM »

Shower door went in.....and it's beautiful.  I finished black grout the day before.  Looks really good.  Sealed grout. Will giv a second seal today.

Will get to caulking with the white, and clear then pour bar top.  Exterior door will put a bow on that bathroom in the 6th, I hope.

Upstairs 72":black granite bathroom hotel vanity waiting for pick up....and requires one bathroom entrance door be closed off.  Will make storage in what's left of doorway.  Japanese style soaker tub waiting under house for 10 years.  Ordering new stainless steel straps for it ....will be beautiful.

Can't decide between wall mural, wood or bark and tile to finish, but will be traditional set up with handheld shower and no shower door. 

I'm on the fence with replacing tiny/fixed 16" window......such a pain, but imperative, I think.

Picked up black granite vanity countertop.  Will be replacing the cabinet with a dresser or drawer packs.  Nothing much decided for this bathroom.

Bought a full glass 90" x 42" door for shed.  Will use big window I purchased, but didn't use. As door to outdoor shower.  The manufacturer pushed door delivery back 2 weeks, grrr.

Half the poorly installed gutters are fixed and back up.....working well.  Siding repairs happened yesterday. 

Shed will get framed up for new door and window today.  Porch electric ceiling boxes go in for fans and outlets.  I'll be very glad to put extension cords away.

Guest bedroom looks like a main bedroom now that the sewing tables moved to the loft.  I luck led out at Habitat and found 2 pairs of gorgeous mirrors for behind bedside tables in main bedroom, downstairs, and the guest room.  New matching lamps for guestroom too.

Ex h sending 200ft of wire, for the shed.  He hasn't seen the lake house, or this house, since renovations began.  It's exciting to catch up on the families and projects.  We always worked well together.  Our first house was the beginning of many projects for both of us. 

The journey continues.

Lighter