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81
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2026
« Last post by Hopalong on May 18, 2026, 02:00:09 PM »
That's a lot, Amber.

I just want to say (for you this is temporary) that when I realized I Just Can't Garden Now I grieved. Genuinely, it hurts. But that was a year or two back, and this year I'm not pretending about it. I'm not even composting now, same feelings.

But I DO feel good about accepting my current limits, and not letting grief go on forever. If it's a couple pots on the patio plus the yellow wheelbarrow, I will still take joy in lovely plants growing.

My three indoor plants are thriving. The baby begonia is now a beautiful monster. Betty B will go outside when the warmth can be trusted.

Phil O-Dendron is showing his muscle on a pedestal kind of setup. The one that needs transplanting and care is the cyclamen. Blows my mind when it blooms.

Enjoy all you can access without harming yourself, hon. And I am imagining how very much you'll love and use that grand deck.

hugs
Hops
82
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again
« Last post by Hopalong on May 18, 2026, 01:47:04 PM »
From my pathetic physical point of view, you're in AMAZING shape, Hippie! I measure my progress in half-blocks. Small blocks, too.

Bravoooooooo. I'd bet anxiety will continue to settle the more time you spend in nature. Hope you can find happy ways to keep it up. (Preaching to self again....)

Hugs
Hops
83
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Health Updates
« Last post by Hopalong on May 18, 2026, 01:43:52 PM »
Thank you so much, Lighter. You've said all the right things. Except maybe for one part of the secret shame cycle:  I'm intensely uncomfortable inviting in (and paying a good bit) for a stranger, however kind, to come in and help with the ick.

Clearly, no choice but to suck my ego back in and make other appointments... including with laundry and a countertop. You could see it, I felt. Thanks.

Amber, you walking into doors really cheered me up, not that I want it to happen! And you're exactly right about me needing to MOVE. This morning I found myself getting anxious about Birdnerd, who clearly likes me....because given my track record with inappropriate men, I don't trust my own judgement. But we're in friend zone, so I'm going to aim to just enjoy that. Futureizing/fantasizing was always my weakest spot. Reality is still my friend, but I'm not certain what it is, in his case. The extreme introversion I mentioned does make it difficult to know him. No rush and no obligations, my new mantra for this interesting fella.

hugs
Hops
84
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2026
« Last post by sKePTiKal on May 18, 2026, 10:26:09 AM »
Hippy, one more thing about Tai Chi. A lot of students said they were there for the physical benefits; but just as many said they appreciated the style of socializing too. Much of that doesn't involve talking - as the class learns the new positions and collectively performs the whole set of positions. But there are breaks - and gathering/leaving conversations. You get to know people over time.

--------

So B's surgery is scheduled for 7 am in the city on Friday (at least a 2 hr drive for us! Hol is driving because I don't do city rush hour traffic anymore.) We'll be awake at zero dark thirty. Hopefully there won't be any accidents on the way. None of this has been made any easier for us to deal with - because of software upgrades in the doc's office to integrate AI programs. One of which has cancelled his surgery appt 10 times and continues to do so. His Rx's for post surgery are also NOT making it into the pharmacy. The pre-op appt B had to sign all the basic boilerplate permissions again IN HARD COPY. I asked the nurse if it was because of the software upgrade - and YES - the IT company didn't carry over the initial paperwork every patient signs when seeking treatment. I rolled my eyes; she rolled hers and let out a huge sigh. They had to collect hard copy sigs from ALL their patients again. Big pain for all of us... and she let slip that yes, they are limited to 15 mins sessions with ALL patients.

Having managed those kinds of upgrades in my previous existence, I am not impressed. B on the other hand - is ballistic. It has to do with trust. He can't trust in people or processes that don't seem to know if they're coming or going. Can't blame him, either. And they take absolutely no time or consideration that after all the horrible things he's experienced at the hands of the medical "professionals" that there MIGHT be everything from suspicion, to distrust to outright PTSD about every little screw up, bureaucratic confusion, and personally inconvenient and painful consequences. He is not a person - just a procedure to perform.

We're dealing with it. Sometimes I have to walk away while he melts down. But he does eventually regulate and we reconnect. Hol and I can meet up at the studio... she'll play music... I'll calm down... and sometimes B joins us to unwind a little. He's been taking it out on dead/down trees. We already have enough wood for next winter.

But, just last week it was cold enough we had a fire in the woodstove again. Yesterday, I turned the AC on for the next few days of 90 degrees. High will only be in the low 50s on Friday. Sigh. Wearing layers that day.

-----------

The garden is probably not going to happen. What with the weather - things breaking around here (front door & garage door having issues) and all this running around... I'm going with cleaning up, adding compost to what is growing... and mulching this year. MIGHT do some herb seeds in a couple weeks for a few plants. Have raspberries ordered too. But not adding this to my to-do list right now.

85
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: The Lake House
« Last post by sKePTiKal on May 18, 2026, 09:13:05 AM »
Yeah. Contractors don't seem to have good communication skills. Over promise and under-deliver is another thing I've noticed.

Never did find anyone to redo my deck this year. And once the tax return hit - realized it was a blessing. Altho I REALLY NEED that deck rebuilt. It's big; 2 levels; all 4 sides of house and 2 sets of steps. Hol found someone to do some tree clearing and brush hogging her field... sposed to start today; but they did call this morning to say they got a late start and would prefer getting a full day in tomorrow instead.
86
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: The Lake House
« Last post by lighter on May 18, 2026, 07:38:27 AM »
The clover did rebound, Meh!!!  But the wedding arch circle has obvious bald patches too....made more obvious next to all the thriving green.

Oh well.  The heat's up to 88 recently...will be today.  And sunny, oy. 

We ended up staying, bc contractor said he'd come, then didn't.

My windowed buddy came up, and we took apart 2 big 100 year old armoires downstairs.....moved them to out building. 

Downstairs looks clean and very large....will try the white marble buSt on that fireplace mantle today.....find another place for the carved wood deer with fragile antlers.

I want coffee.
87
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again
« Last post by lighter on May 18, 2026, 07:28:13 AM »
Sounds like you're walking into new, interesting territory, Meh. 

Exploring a limit.....the outdoors, new friendship, and a church's offerings...... while sitting in nonjudgmental awareness.

It feels solid.

Lighter
88
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again
« Last post by Dirty Hippy on May 17, 2026, 08:49:49 PM »

I'm thinking I need a nap.
Yesterday I walked 6.6 miles
Today I probably did about 6.4 miles
I'm guessing 7 miles would max me out.
I'm not in great shape or bad shape.
New friend is into outdoorsy stuff which is fantastic and we seem to both not know where our limit is at.
I think I need to de-prioritize exercise and then again my anxiety also seems to push me to do it.

Went to church it was nice.
89
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: The Lake House
« Last post by Dirty Hippy on May 17, 2026, 08:44:40 PM »

Surely the clover will rebound fingers cross as long as mother nature thinks so.
💚☘️💚☘️💚☘️💚☘️💚☘️💚
90
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again
« Last post by Dirty Hippy on May 17, 2026, 08:33:26 PM »

That sounds like great community time and also adulting productively.
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