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91

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by sKePTiKal on July 02, 2026, 07:12:46 AM »

I've always resisted the social pressure "to be social"; it's just another "should" applied to everyone when "one size doesn't fit all". Apparently, inclusivity doesn't accept that some people are introverted and that some of us are more introverted than others. Who sez I have to like everyone as well?

I really can't stand being "encouraged" cajoled or pressured into social activities when all I want to do is sit on my front porch and wait for the hummingbirds to visit... and chat with B, as things occur to us - not just fill the space with noise. About nothing in particular.

But that's me. I know a lot of people enjoy social stuff; Hol is one of those. She will just wither up and get bitter if she doesn't go places & hang with people. I CAN have fun in groups - but not on a frequent or regular basis. And generally, I'm selective about the people in the group. I just don't care or have opinions about stuff most people talk about. So I'm a wallflower. Looking for a real one on one conversation about the universal themes of humanity or their personal observations/thoughts about things.

And at my age - why CAN'T I just be left alone to have peace & quiet and do just as like?

Sorry Hippy; this is all about me. But your experience pinged a complicated chord over here in me.

92

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on July 02, 2026, 01:06:50 AM »

Went out this evening and was running late because I had to eat and bad timing etc. It was a little art get-together thing. It's the second time I have gone to it and it feels like the dregs including me I suppose. Yes I am being "judgemental" though it's a real observation.

There was nobody sitting across from me at first & they had fewer rando supplies this time. Eventually same woman shows up again. On one hand it's nice that this is the same person that showed up before on the other hand she stressed me out again being around her strange frantic energy. And as I am sitting there even though I have GAD I am thinking wow so I guess I am the calm one here. The lady to my direct left who I had been talking to earlier says to the frantic woman that she seemed really "stressed" directly to her and the comment seems like a bird that flew right past her.

At some point I am hoping I can't get a disease if she accidentally spits in my eye. (I know weird though but hey it's the public and the dregs)

I'm glad that I am not the only person who noticed this woman's strange frantic energy. She wouldn't stop talking and she seemed to not make any progress on her project while being constantly frustrated and undecided about how to make the thing that was her idea to make. She asked me for reassurance and I said "only you have the vision in your head I have no idea." I guess I am not helpful but I am sort of liking my not helpful self these days.

In the end I was glad I showed up about 40 minutes late.

I talked to four new people that I hadn't talked to the previous time.

This thing, these people, this event, it can not be my chosen family. Fact is the two people that talked about family there already have one and are not needing friends as far as I can tell.

Oh well. At least I went out that was sort of the point.

Everybody who has pretty good social skills they don't think about it and they just have a life somehow.

Then there is whatever this social event is.

I would rather be doing something else. Whatever my evening was sort of wasted.

93

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on July 01, 2026, 03:44:15 PM »

Wrote a response. Website or internet did not save it.

Had written that I think I disagree and why etc.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Hopalong on June 30, 2026, 04:53:29 PM »

Hippy,
Imo, there's no such thing as "immature" feelings (another way to criticize yourself). They are just feelings that every human experiences, a lot or a little, at different times and in different situations in life.

Identifying what a feeling is, is valuable. Judging it, less so, imo.

I also respect your recognition of the "emotional labor" component in any relationship, and how you need/want to keep it more balanced. Big bravo!

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 30, 2026, 12:30:33 AM »

Hops, I felt some twitchy nerves of drama inside me related to the ex-friend. I had an internal battle with myself over it.

It's just that I've gotten so old and I think I don't take friendship for granted anymore.

I had immature feelings. I had disappointment. I had some shock. I asked myself am I over-reacting.

The choices seemed to be
- keep going act like everything is okay
- be mad and tell her
- say nothing and fizzle
- be medium chill if I have to

I think the acting like everything is okay is not okay right now. Being mad at her is pointless. I think the not responding say nothing and fizzle and medium chill if I have to is the way to go.

Not being mad at her and trying to tell her my thoughts or feelings would be too much emotional labor on my part. At some point she will realize she only has two friends she hasn't seen since her college years and maybe they text a couple times a year. Not my problem. I feel like friends really have to make effort once in a while. And I also should make some effort. 

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 30, 2026, 12:22:06 AM »

Well yes Hops I suppose gentle self-talking is a good thing.

I'm always frustrated with myself I suppose.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Hopalong on June 29, 2026, 01:32:03 PM »

The biggest change to my sense of self, which took years to see, was when I made one decision: To pay attention, intentionally, to how I talk to "myself."

I was lacerating myself with every failure I could think of. Critical thoughts would hit me first thing in the morning.

I tried one day to intentionally visualize a kind, sort of maternal inner friend. I'd push thoughts like: compassionate voice, you're better at this than you were before, you're doing the best you can with what you've got, etc etc. Everything passes, this is weather. After a while I started to "feel" the company of that kind presence and worrying about identity started to fade.

hugs
Hops

PS  -- After my Poet drama, I was particularly impressed with how gently and undramatically you made your choice to release an unsupportive friendship. I wound up telling myself: Don't count them, just be with the ones who leave me with some good feelings. I can find more in time.

98

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 28, 2026, 12:35:39 PM »

- adult children of immature parents starts to get new age at the point it talks about the real true self

AI summary:

The actual research breaks down into two main conclusions:

The True Self is a Cognitive Illusion: Empirical research confirms that the concept of a hidden, objective "true self" is a psychological fiction rather than a measurable biological or neurological entity. Data shows the "true self" is actually a cognitive shortcut—a belief system people use to make sense of social identity, rather than an underlying factual structure. 

The "Goodness" Bias: Studies by researchers like Nina Strohminger and colleagues demonstrate that people only claim to see a "true self" when a person's behavior changes for the better. When a person acts negatively or destructively, observers attribute it to external factors or a "surface self"; when they act positively, it is labeled as their "essence". This reveals the true self concept is simply a moral projection used by the brain to track cooperative social partners, not an objective reality. 
Greater Good Science Center - University of California, Berkeley

Origin of the Theory: The distinction between a "true self" and a "false self" originated with mid-20th-century psychoanalysts, primarily Donald Winnicott. Winnicott did not define the true self as a mystical entity, but rather as a child's spontaneous, unconditioned physical and emotional reactions. The "false self" develops purely as a defensive, highly compliant survival strategy to appease erratic, emotionally unavailable, or demanding parents. 
Psychological Scales & Instruments Database

The Modern Scientific View (Cognitive Load): Modern cognitive science reframes this dynamic away from hidden essences and views it through the lens of cognitive expenditure:

Role Self (High Load): A state of high mental exhaustion where you are actively monitoring, filtering, and performing to maintain safety or manage impressions in an unstable environment.

True Self (Low Load): A state of low friction that occurs simply when an individual feels safe enough to drop the defensive performance and stop actively managing their environment.

References:

Strohminger, N., Knobe, J., & Newman, G. (2017). The True Self: A Psychological Concept Distinct From the Self. Perspectives on Psychological Science.

Strohminger, N., & Nichols, S. (2014). The Essential Moral Self. Cognition.

Winnicott, D. W. (1960). Ego Distortion in Terms of True and False Self. The Maturational Processes and the Facilitating Environment.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 25, 2026, 01:14:21 PM »

So i've tried to go out and meet people. Been trying for a few months.

The "chosen family" thing seems to be a myth.

I did make one new friend.

But I've also come to realize I have to end my friendship with a different old ex-friend.

This process I had to think about a while. When I was younger I didn't think about friendships they just came or went like the ocean tide.

Being that I now see how difficult it is to meet new people and not just meet people but turn that into potential friendship it's not an easy thing. It takes a lot of time, routine, effort.

Well being that I am reading more about "emotional maturity" etc. and after an old friend flaked on me a few times. I've realized I've put more time into that particular friendship than I should have. She also did something recently which was sort of a hurtful betrayal in a way. I thought about it a lot. I decided to not say anything to her about it as that would also be more emotional labor and she wouldn't understand or likely not even care what I am talking about anyways.

So so far after months of trying to go out more I made one friend and lost one friend.

People my age are really not making a big effort to make friends because they're busy they have careers and families.

And then there are the people who are hyper social. And I'm not sure they are looking for friends maybe they are looking for entertainments. idk.

I guess I learned that investing too much in a friendship can be a bad thing if it's one sided effort. And it's okay to just move on. Said ex-friend probably will not miss me anyhow.

100

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2026

« Last post by sKePTiKal on June 25, 2026, 08:00:43 AM »

Well, you yell at your back and I'll yell at my calves & feet, Hops! LOL

New contractor making my deck safe again, starts by delivering materials this afternoon. I've got some outside clean up to do, some more herb garden work, and have to finish up a few inside the house things today/tomorrow. Next really hot or rainy day - I've got studio work to do: Hol is going to a "house warming" party that is also a "surprise wedding" for a friend of hers. The wedding took place some time ago, but they didn't tell their friends... it's 20s themed... so Hol wants to wear her 20 year wedding dress, which needs some altering. Starting with removing a couple of hip darts... and possibly shortening the shoulder seam. The fabric is a very drapey crimson red satin.

But I dunno if she's even going now. Sunday, she and C were supposed to leave to deliver a car to help out my grandsons in SC. Another friend was going to stay here to dogsit. Well, C flipped his switch again shortly after he got here and left. After keeping Hol up most of the night. So she wasn't leaving Sunday morning. The dogitter friend left with her Tuesday; they took the dogs with them and are hitting one of the beaches on the way back. C was supposed to be Hol's "plus one" at this wedding event... but I seriously doubt she'll want to be stood up so dramatically again. I haven't talked to her - or rather, heard her empty the contents of her head yet.

She often rants about how she "has to" regulate her partner's emotions for them and she's sick & tired of doing that with no reciprocation of any kind. Yet she expects me to devote hours to helping her regulate her own... so I refused this time. I've already heard this tale of woe - with 3 different partners. (The ex-husband isn't on the list. He was a completely different sort of guy.) MAYBE she'll see my point; maybe she won't and I will have to explain. But there will be a "debrief" session - the timing was just wrong for me, before she left. And then she tried to guilt me with "I need my mommy" to try to get what she wanted. She's 48, FFS.

Friend Deb will be here next weekend. We're going to try to just have FUN... maybe fireworks. Standard American 4th of July fare: burgers, hotdogs, potato salad... and MAYBE I'll make a Key Lime Pie. (NOT the margarita version!!) We're not going to let Hol dominate that whole time, either. Deb's not into it.