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91

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by lighter on September 27, 2025, 11:10:49 AM »

Early morning walk with baby girl pug.  She's pretty calm these days.  Listens most of the time. People, who knows her, seem surprised, but she's 11yo now.  12?

Passed nice neighbor's house.....had feelings about leaving her, sweeping her driveway, with a broom, as DD23 and I drove off to an amazing free Indian lunch downtown. The restaurant's way if showing gratitude to locals for supporting them through Covid and Helene.  I didn't invite nice neighbor, bc DD was tired and wanted it to just be us. My heart wanted to invite her.  I'm auto choosing my girls now.

Passed retired nurse's house ....feelings popped up around 2 bothersome truths.  I let it go....thought about the bats flying through streetlight around 8pm hour lately, which I adore.....as I walked by cowboy's house.  Felt nothing about them.....just knew...... they're lives are too complicated to brush against.  I have an invisible barrier, these days.

Walked by elderly neighbor's nice blue house....they really cared about, and worked on their yard....tried so hard.  Not anymore.  The SonIL flies around, on their riding mower.....you can tell he hates it.....is screaming through it....just getting it over with, bc his FIL is in hospice....MIL has Alzheimer's.....is like a child.  I think an unkind thought about retired nurse....her gossiping..... pettiness. 

I walk by cowboy's son and DIL's house....their son is now 2yo.  I haven't spent any time with her.  Not really.  There's some regret, bc...I....am confused about the why, truthfully.  What would we talk about?  I picture her sharing suspicions about her dh's sexuality.....and am reminded.... I'm a terrible liar.  I don't want to see her face, look in her eyes, see that confusion.  For me, it's straightforward reality.  This or that or compromise.  Ignore/pretend, blow everything up or stay, knowing the truth.  I don't want to know her mind on this.  I don't want to share mine. I'm unwilling to subject myself to her beliefs around such things.  I'm impatient with people's prejudices....and lying.......and with repeated mistakes, I'm way too familiar with, myself.  It feels completed for me.  One learns the hard way.  That's the way of these things.  Not my rule.


We pass the rental house..... who's elderly owners sold without putting a for sale sign up.  My father pops up, behind my eyes, and says "rat fockers." True, but prefer to say they were terrible neighbors who were not capable of being friends....to anyone.

Another street light....thinking about bats and bugs again.....think unkind thought about retired nurse's eventual funeral....."she wan enabler if creepy men to stalk her female neighbors.

:: immediately spill coffee on poop bag::.

I don't like being sticky or wasteful.  I keep, and use the bag, getting sticky in both hands.

Back towards home and I imagine the gentle cadence of the morning with a loved one in hospice......
with a 2yo.....and how every interaction, with my girls, now feels like reaching back and touching lost moments from their childhoods...connecting.....filling in blanks.  Not sure what the cost will be ....if any, but it's a sacred thing.... I view it with curiosity. 

Yesterday morning, I made a yummy chicken salad samich for DD24...she had an early exam.  She planned to have breakfast with her bf, but instead chose my sandwich.  Hugged me from behind and said "I love you" first.  It's always me....always been me, saying it first. It brought tears to my eyes.....
I held that moment....so precious.

I'll take that moment.....and DD24....DD at all ages, to the tomato garden...the bonfire, the swing set and dance with all the younger Lighters....the Amazons.........and Aunty P....loving us.......herself.....joining.....delighting in the joyful chatter and celebration of being in this world....awake and curious about what comes next.

Therapist leans towards my teaching/advocating.....still....
  I remind her.... I'm not as saintly or, perhaps resilient as she is.  She shared a bit about the struggle of facing so much darkness....guarding her self energy.

I can feel my DIM layers falling away.  Or maybe I'm rising up. Leaving them below?  They're going. Is all I know.  I'm not more brittle, surprisingly.  I'm standing in clarity....feels more .  Trusting what I see without denial, ignorance and minimization....well.  With much less....sometimes zero. 

I step around so many things.... automatically.....I used to step into.

I have less time.  I have more understanding of what I see.  It's an easy thing. Comparatively speaking.....
clarity.....
knowing.

Right now.....the mission is healing and teaching my girls.....in this short window remaining......while they're exploring, choosing, learning, considering, trying on adulthood, inhabiting it ....losing their footing, gaining it back, etc.

When family is here....after Halloween....during..... I'll hunker down on the lake project.  Not worrying about it.

Ungenerous thoughts cross my mind about familial interpersonal terrorists.....I choose compassion and hope karma didn't notice the bobble.

Contractor will be here soon.....maybe. If it's not raining, at his house, where a transmission awaits his attention.

He's waiting for his luck to change.  One vehicle needs a transmission.  He hit a yearling bear, lightly, but at the expense if their other truck, which is in the shop.....wondering, out loud, what he did to deserve his karma. And I can tell ....he believes. 

Lighter

92

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Thought slams: sudden insights that surprise

« Last post by lighter on September 26, 2025, 04:48:28 PM »

With so much research/information available, now, it makes sense connections and dots start lining up, Hops.

I'm so glad it clarified and brought relief.

Lighter

93

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Thought slams: sudden insights that surprise

« Last post by sKePTiKal on September 26, 2025, 09:04:29 AM »

So.... maybe the universe responded & sent you the thought JUST WHEN the time was most conducive to you having the revelation.  <big shrug> I dunno... where these come from or how they happen. I just know they DO happen.

Glad this opens a new perspective for you Hops.

94

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Thought slams: sudden insights that surprise

« Last post by Hopalong on September 25, 2025, 09:57:28 AM »

 A revelation just hit me this morning and I literally cannot comprehend for the life of me why I never thought of this before. But it felt so real and instantly fit.

I now believe my Nmom was also on the spectrum. This belief arrived in an instant with great conviction. I'd guess she was on the low end, which used to be called Asperger's. I was thinking of her gaze and my D's gaze, and they were/are the same. How she never gave a warm or connecting eye contact, how she was unaffectionate -- not because she was intentionally withholding affection but because that behavior wasn't natural or comfortable for her. Or maybe she didn't recognize it. Her early life was about survival and suppression of many things.

Wow. It feels like a gift when a thought appears that has a loud ring of truth and also reveals or clarifies something you didn't even know needed more clarification.

Really am shocked it never occurred to me before. I thought N-ism was the ENTIRE explanation for her nature. I feel grateful that this thought arrived ("slammed" because it was such a surprise) and instantly added to understanding and peace.

hugs
Hops

95

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by Hopalong on September 24, 2025, 12:02:07 AM »

Amber. I soaked a lot of the wisdom in your post,
and will be reading it again.

Thank you for your insights.

hugs
Hops

96

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by sKePTiKal on September 22, 2025, 09:00:10 AM »

I'll second Hops' observation of the proliferation of darkness right now.

I don't have any theories; yet. But some symptoms are heightened anxiety of all stripes, fear that everything is spinning out of control. Some of it is people off their meds or the meds are no longer having the desired effect. Some are in the midst of a major relevalation of cognitive dissonance - what they perceive as reality in direct conflict with what they are TOLD is reality by some media source or another. The sense of alienation and betrayal when a previously "trusted" institution is presented in a not so worthy light.

Oh yes, there is the unlimited outrage, sheer rage against anyone/thing, and maximum confusion.

This is a good time to be a hermit and extremely selective about what information one consumes or allows into one's brain. Be as polite and civil as we've been programmed to be; and keep your head on a swivel - don't hang out in large groups of people any longer than neccesary. When you must interact with "society" - do so with clear purpose and don't be distracted.

Hol of course, thinks that's just self-defeating but she doesn't appreciate how slowness, developing physical frailties, or even perceptual limitations can be actual vulnerabilities to predators for us oldsters. (Intinctively, she does; she just doesn't get the intellectual side of it yet; still thinks everything is "fixable".) Yet she is also quietly retreating from a high level of contact with the "external world" - even tho she has a multi-state trip planned end of this week.

The astrology of this time is unusual - in that it doesn't happen often. I see mention frequently, of something big ending; something big beginning. I don't understand enough of the relationships/celestial bodies - or just simply don't believe it enough - but there are multiple things occuring in the "other realms" right now. I've been sensitive to some of them, all my life and have not seen the activity at this level before - it's quite high.

We're going through a drought after a soggy spring/early summer. Temps are cooler (overall) than normal. And bigger swings. However, it IS still within the normal cycles over decades. Earthquake/volcano activity is up - as is solar impacts.

So, while I don't have any conclusions yet, it's clear this is a time of huge uncertainty in the collective consciousness. Nothing's totally predictable (except taxes and possibly inflation). That's a fear that can present as huge, present and dangerous... or receded to a "back of the mind" awareness anxiety that spills out sometimes. Some people trend to the darkness - others seek out communal support and conviviality; caring and light. Some oscillate between the two. Overall - I feel the impact of negative emotions when I'm out in public; reading all the cues too. And yet, I'm also finding little bubbles of authentically kind and caring people, who aren't afraid to show themselves when acknowleded.

Sometimes, it's important to hold both darkness and light together (it's the yin/yang principle) and undertand that moments in time (and events within time) change and pass.

97

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by Hopalong on September 21, 2025, 02:25:49 PM »

Lighter, I'll withdraw from following tales of your Q friend further for now. But it's been an education. To learn or imagine much more about his mind wouldn't be salubrious for me at the moment, is all. So much darkness afoot. I channel my own attraction to darkness into crime and mystery shows/documentaries.

The unleashed rage-beast isn't in me. I majored in quailing. I do fear and recoil from others' rage. These days, I normally do that simple self-interview if I feel some anger: What is this feeling covering, hurt or fear? That's really all I need to redirect or get to a productive analysis. Comfort the scared child within and remember, she had her reasons but today is only today. And I'm okay.

Hope you are too. So much action in your life that it's dizzying. Glad things seem to be moving forward, mostly in ways you like.

hugs
Hops

98

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by lighter on September 21, 2025, 09:33:32 AM »

Q friend is sending video on laser beam weapons, or Directed Energy weapons. This, after I asked what can be done to end the child abuse.....he wrote "They have to be taken out."

Then he sent a video claiming the fires in California were set to empty the evil neighborhoods of pedophiles.....military in control, taking ownership of all the property.

He also claims the child trafficking perpetrators in Ukraine have already been "dealt with."

I'm surprised by the chemical dumps, I  experience, as I engage with the videos and information.  It's designer news feed.

Lighter

99

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by lighter on September 20, 2025, 11:45:16 AM »

When I think about these awful feelings (rage, resentment, loathing) about men lately, and then as you remind me, set them in the context of today's politics, they make perfect sense.

But it's not just men, is it, Hops?  It's more common. More threatening.  More obvious and in our faces, but the "political climate" has the same group of bad actors, enablers, DIM thinkers and advocates every group of....every group of misguided people, being lead by a.....naughty strongman, has.  I gave up deciding which group, within the faction, is more maddening.

I'm afraid of the unleashed beast. And continue to love many good men, who don't spend all day searching for validation of their own anger and distress.

I continue to love many good men, also.  Imperfect, but good men.  As for the " unleashed beast" aspect.  Are you speaking of your own appropriate anger response?

I keep thinking back to the primary lesson from the Hoffman research, in which they tracked couples for decades, interviewing and videoing their interactions over time. The finding that settles me most back to my own values when my toxic resentment stirs is that the Number One predictor of divorce is contempt. Things said, facial expressions, eye rolls, etc. Once contempt appears and sticks, we're divorcing. Take a cult, a golden calf, and poor education or low-quality information from isolated, bad-faith people either broadcasting or online who pot stir and add contempt...America is divorcing itself. Heartbreaking. But maybe we can turn aside in time...we have 400 days to steer sane.

Ih, I think about it too.  Particularly when men look at me/speak to me/sneer at me with disdain.  I wonder about it in a spiraling loop of frustration, so far, without resolution.

Lighter, I watched a remarkable interview with Tia Levings and thought you would enjoy it. Tia is remarkably intelligent, understands deconstruction profoundly, and connects it all up in a way I found both exhilarating and comfortingly realistic. I particularly thought you'd like what she says about intuition and healing from trauma. A lot of it is Lighteresque.

Really enjoyed it. Thanks, Hops.

Another I rambled onto is Monte Mader who you (and maybe Amber) really might like--who grew up running cattle on a 4000 acre Wyoming ranch and built a truly powerful, healthy sense of herself in the world.
Will look that up: )

The upside of the internet for me is these positive discoveries, and conversations like the ones we have on this board.
This board's been a powerful touchstone in my life too.  Thanks again, Doc G.
hugs
Hops

PS - Neither of these women TODAY is angry or fearful or anxious.

Lighter, currently angry/fearful and anxious about asbestos flooring in the upstairs bathroom.

100

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: The island

« Last post by lighter on September 20, 2025, 11:29:38 AM »

Oldest DD asked about an island trip, bc her ex roommate wants to go quite badly.

I thought about all the ways to get there. Then the list of "things that can go wrong" popped up, and smacked creative problem solving out of me'brain pan. 

My favorite ex military fly boys' seaplane company is running a 30% off deal on October.  It would be cool if ex roommate's dad bought the airfare this time. 

Lighter



They're building a proper airport, with a major airline company slated to add routes.  This, bc the big hotel/casino isn't doing well....has never done well.  They're trying to bring in more tourists.