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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.
« Last post by Meh on March 13, 2026, 03:37:37 PM »- I will probably come back to this and edit it.
1) Yesterday I called my crap health insurance and asked for some phone numbers to try to make appt to see a therapist. One of the phone numbers they gave me is for a male out of state which is not what I was looking for. One of the phone numbers they gave me was incorrect. One of the phone numbers they gave me was for a place that has over a month waiting list to get in and that is not for a therapy appoint it's to establish care with a PCP which is not really what I want to do. So today no progress on that. People always say "just go see a therapist." Sinking too much energy into the frustration is somewhat not going to help me but also I kinda have to go through this stupid process.
The incorrect phone number I did get the correct phone number and then I left a message yesterday and never heard back and then I left a message again today and never heard back. I guess these are small businesses not a large business. I miss having good insurance which I haven't had for a long long time. In the past I would call and someone would answer right away and I could get an appointment in maybe two weeks.
2) Time online. Sometimes something useful comes out of it sometimes not.
3) Christian Realism -- I've been interested in it this week although I am deeply an atheist. Perhaps it's just the realism part that appeals to me.
4) Loneliness - I was reflecting on how when people use the word lonely it can mean more than ten things.
5) Unwellness - thinking about how emotional unwellness can feel like a gross subtle feeling not necessarily in the stomach but also like someone has the flu and is weak and wants to puke. I don't have a term for this feeling and "disturbed" is too vague and too stigma.
6) I'm really freaking tired.
7) My hair is wet and when it's dry I am going out today. And it's snowing. Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired.
Online resources (I'm not referencing voicelessness here) - there are online communities related to mental health stuff and I find that sometimes the distraction feels a) useful psychologically but also b) a time waste and c) an addiction - it amazes how many people get online and all they say over and over is "I'm bored." -- I'm not bored. I feel stuck. Maybe I am stuck maybe it's not a sensation.
9) tired
10) tired
11) tired
blah blah blah...
Maybe it looks like I am complaining but I can't manage my thoughts. If things bounce around in my synaptic nerves I can't deal with it. I need to write it out. I need to look at it. I need to see it and reflect what is important here. What is not important. The (5) unwellness feeling is speaking to me.
I'm not hungry. I am still going to put food in me and drink more water. And get ready slowly go do departure mode aka packing crap up so I can go out the door.
I made it outside and.
And... what I will add here is that I was reading how covert-collapsed narcissism does have an element that goes along with it of paranoia. And I think I've had a bit of an ahha moment with this. Rarely but occasionally I guess one gets a weird window into the narcissist... and a couple times when we are outside/outdoors in public.. the narcissist said some really strange things both times. One time they acted like it was a joke but they were starting to talk weird about like undercover FBI agent type stuff. Also the other time the narcissist sorta zoned in on a random guy who was waiting for a woman but the random guy was standing on the sidewalk. It was daylight. There was really nothing sketchy about it at all but the narcissist was creepy-obsessed with this guy all of a sudden becausee the narcissist "didn't like the guy" or whatever and it was just the weirdest thing to me. Like there is no drug dealing going on, there is no car theft happening it's very public, there was no REAL reality legit reason for the N to focus on this guy in such a strange paranoid way.
The ah-ha moment I have had is how really REALLY sick narcissists actually are. Demented. Very weird inside their own minds. And I think this is part of the reason why I am just so uncomfortable being around N. Also there is the forced-engagement over fake pretenses. There are the stupid unwanted "gifts" which are actually demands for attention. There is the very angry lashing out at a person for very pathetic petty basic things etc. I've been monitored by a paranoid covert narcissist for a massive portion of my upbringing.. and it makes sense I think to me that someone as a young person would be maybe "unformed" personality wise or psychologically OR have some emotional regulation issues at times maybe. I am tired. I do not know. The paranoia that a covert narcissist has is just so freaking weird.
1) Yesterday I called my crap health insurance and asked for some phone numbers to try to make appt to see a therapist. One of the phone numbers they gave me is for a male out of state which is not what I was looking for. One of the phone numbers they gave me was incorrect. One of the phone numbers they gave me was for a place that has over a month waiting list to get in and that is not for a therapy appoint it's to establish care with a PCP which is not really what I want to do. So today no progress on that. People always say "just go see a therapist." Sinking too much energy into the frustration is somewhat not going to help me but also I kinda have to go through this stupid process.
The incorrect phone number I did get the correct phone number and then I left a message yesterday and never heard back and then I left a message again today and never heard back. I guess these are small businesses not a large business. I miss having good insurance which I haven't had for a long long time. In the past I would call and someone would answer right away and I could get an appointment in maybe two weeks.
2) Time online. Sometimes something useful comes out of it sometimes not.
3) Christian Realism -- I've been interested in it this week although I am deeply an atheist. Perhaps it's just the realism part that appeals to me.
4) Loneliness - I was reflecting on how when people use the word lonely it can mean more than ten things.
5) Unwellness - thinking about how emotional unwellness can feel like a gross subtle feeling not necessarily in the stomach but also like someone has the flu and is weak and wants to puke. I don't have a term for this feeling and "disturbed" is too vague and too stigma.
6) I'm really freaking tired.
7) My hair is wet and when it's dry I am going out today. And it's snowing. Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired.
Online resources (I'm not referencing voicelessness here) - there are online communities related to mental health stuff and I find that sometimes the distraction feels a) useful psychologically but also b) a time waste and c) an addiction - it amazes how many people get online and all they say over and over is "I'm bored." -- I'm not bored. I feel stuck. Maybe I am stuck maybe it's not a sensation. 9) tired
10) tired
11) tired
blah blah blah...
Maybe it looks like I am complaining but I can't manage my thoughts. If things bounce around in my synaptic nerves I can't deal with it. I need to write it out. I need to look at it. I need to see it and reflect what is important here. What is not important. The (5) unwellness feeling is speaking to me.
I'm not hungry. I am still going to put food in me and drink more water. And get ready slowly go do departure mode aka packing crap up so I can go out the door.
I made it outside and.
And... what I will add here is that I was reading how covert-collapsed narcissism does have an element that goes along with it of paranoia. And I think I've had a bit of an ahha moment with this. Rarely but occasionally I guess one gets a weird window into the narcissist... and a couple times when we are outside/outdoors in public.. the narcissist said some really strange things both times. One time they acted like it was a joke but they were starting to talk weird about like undercover FBI agent type stuff. Also the other time the narcissist sorta zoned in on a random guy who was waiting for a woman but the random guy was standing on the sidewalk. It was daylight. There was really nothing sketchy about it at all but the narcissist was creepy-obsessed with this guy all of a sudden becausee the narcissist "didn't like the guy" or whatever and it was just the weirdest thing to me. Like there is no drug dealing going on, there is no car theft happening it's very public, there was no REAL reality legit reason for the N to focus on this guy in such a strange paranoid way.
The ah-ha moment I have had is how really REALLY sick narcissists actually are. Demented. Very weird inside their own minds. And I think this is part of the reason why I am just so uncomfortable being around N. Also there is the forced-engagement over fake pretenses. There are the stupid unwanted "gifts" which are actually demands for attention. There is the very angry lashing out at a person for very pathetic petty basic things etc. I've been monitored by a paranoid covert narcissist for a massive portion of my upbringing.. and it makes sense I think to me that someone as a young person would be maybe "unformed" personality wise or psychologically OR have some emotional regulation issues at times maybe. I am tired. I do not know. The paranoia that a covert narcissist has is just so freaking weird.