Recent Posts

91

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by Hopalong on December 12, 2025, 10:28:01 AM »

I hear that!

For me, loyalty is a hard thing to unseat. So, if a present friendship goes sour, which a few have done over time, I have to teach myself that peeling gently away from it is not unkind to either person. I often ponder medical metaphors...if one needs lifesaving surgery, the incision and recovery pain are good and necessary things. I can fear the change in my self-perception (More Alooooone!) or loss of a source of support, but ultimately, my Poet trials have taught me a lot. We'll see how it goes; I know I'm different with her and her radar is pinging.

You taught me a lot. And dogs. And neighbors. And women's groups. And men. And nature. And aging. And and and and and....

Today, speaking of friendship, I'm meeting a writer pal for lunch at a diner and Pup is spending the afternoon at Dog Camp while my house gets cleaned by the angel I worry about (undocumented immigrant, expecting her fourth child). I love E and worry about her and her family. I'm also having irrational grandma fantasies about her child. I'll tell her she can bring the baby here to work whenever she needs to. Have also asked my church if she might be included on a "giving tree" we do during the holidays. Today I pay her quadruple for the holidays, because she deserves it. If that dents the savings, so be it.

hugs
Hops

92

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by sKePTiKal on December 12, 2025, 09:54:56 AM »

Well, I think it's going around. Seems a lot of people are dealing with the realization that some of their "friends" take more than they give. And if a relationship isn't nourishing, but instead is depleting one... maybe that person isn't really a "friend". And maybe people's definition of a "friend" is changing.

93

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by lighter on December 11, 2025, 04:08:11 PM »

And thank you, Lighter, for "Normal, healthy noticings."

That really set off a glow in me.

hugs,
Hops

No problem, Hops.  I've been wrestling with similar noticings, and questions too.

It's not really about others dismissing my needs. 

It's about my needing them to change..... it's about accepting their disdain for what it is, without needing it to be anything else.

Now.....
what IS it? 

It feels confuuuuuusing......
 before the fog clears, yup yup yup.

There's clarity coming, Hops. 
For us both.

Lighter

94

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by Hopalong on December 10, 2025, 05:29:13 PM »

And thank you, Lighter, for "Normal, healthy noticings."

That really set off a glow in me.

hugs,
Hops

95

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by Hopalong on December 10, 2025, 03:28:16 PM »

LOL. I definitely need a resident Amber. Got to go buy a shed to put her in....

Interesting question you posed, about telling Poet my true feelings about her eagerness to pull me into her project. I think the simplest thing will be the most comfortable... though I'm not terrified of confrontation, I don't seek it out, either. With her, it'd be painful. And there's nothing much needed other than to say, "My own writing projects are way behind, so I don't want to get involved in another one right now." The boundary is just "No, thanks."

My writerly opinions, I'd keep to myself. She does have some inspiring visions about the world, but I honestly find that her positioning of herself, that authoritative and somewhat condescending voice, makes my little poems run for the hills on their little paper legs.

I like my poems. Not all of them, some are clunkers, but there's where my brain wants to be. That and the long-neglected novel. THIS is the motivation I need to get control of my home.

hugs
Hops

96

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by lighter on December 10, 2025, 01:16:53 PM »

Lol, Hops.  You're apologizing for your refusal to be used..... refusal to make nice, regardless of your boundaries being trampled.....
apologizing for expressing your "poisonous" mental gymnastics, which are just normal, healthy noticings, IME.

As I told my nice neighbor.....
It's time you enter your villain era. 
That means you'll practice self care and enforce boundaries, which feels like being "the bad guy," but's just about "normal" behavior (for a man.)

And, what if you shared your true feeling with poet?  I'm not saying ng you bottled them up.  I'm just saying.....what if?

What would it look like?

What would it mean?

If it's uncomfortable.....why do you think that is?

Is there an opportunity here?

So happy to see your update, Hops. 

If your printer is still in the box.....get it out and we'll have tea while contemplating the directions and extra parts, and wishing Amber was here.

Lighter

97

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by Hopalong on December 09, 2025, 05:12:48 PM »

So, Poet invited me to be a presenter at a Detroit Poetry Vespers (online). Just another Zoom. Hah!

We did a rehearsal (about 8 poets) a few nights before, and had a script, the link, etc. So on the night, I couldn't get fully onto Zoom! I also was juggling having a split view on my monitor (program/scripts on one side, Zoom gallery on the other), since I've left my new printer in its box due to Fear of Tech. Just have to set it up!!!! So the host wound up reading my first poem for me, though I managed to appear for my second. Still a good experience.

As for the friendship story, I spotted sticking points I haven't made complete peace with about Poet. Critical thinking is not supposed to be just critical of another, right? So, bitch or critical mind engaged, I realized more things I don't like about the personality though I still love the person.

It was like the "Poet show." In rehearsal the poet-cohost asked if she would be able to drop reading one of her multiple poems to make room for another poet, and she objected in her most aristocratic accent. The host caved, so Poet read about 50% more time than others. Her poems are fine, but not traffic-stopping, imo. As a cohost, I think she should've made it more about lifting up other voices. Sigh. I fear using the N-word (not that one) about her, but if ego on display fits....

I wasn't impressed. Maybe she saw it, I dunno. Anyway, she called me the next night just gushing about a new anthology project she wants to do, about visionary obscure poets, and told me fairly ponderously that she'd like to invite me to be part of it. HELL NAAAAAAH. I know what that means: I copyedit it, support her through endless idea sessions, and she floats on her self-image as Sage. I edited her entire damn book a few years ago, gratis, with barely a thank you.

What I'm pleased with, dunno if this is healthy or not, is that I feel utterly clear about it. It was for me verrrrry obvious that she was reaching out to re-connect because she has great radar, and senses I'm just not as available and vibrating to her tunes as I used to be. She's trying to pull me back in and I will not go.

When she called she was near tears, expressing love and appreciation, and I'm sorry but I just view it as a reflex: Don't lose Hops' attention! Keep her focused on MEEEEEEE.

I know that sounds awful and maybe it IS awful. Or awfully ungenerous. But it's how I saw it and how I felt about it. Not my circus, and I don't have to ride around her ring on the back of a pony.

Well, that was kind of poisonous. Sorry, all.

hugs
Hops

98

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Play Hookey

« Last post by lighter on December 06, 2025, 10:07:27 AM »

Meh:
How did your day off go? 

Lighter

99

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by lighter on December 06, 2025, 10:01:42 AM »

Yikes, Amber.....Hol's bf sounds concerning, IME.  I'm sorry he's suffering.....sorry he, IME, needs someone to stand in, as wall (fig.) so he can throw himself against it.  I'm relieved Hol recognizes....she can't fix him, though he likely insists she's part of his solution.  We all know better.

Blech.  Contemplating this.....brings up feelings....of revulsion for me.

Glad you're enjoying the snow.

Hops, about neurodivergent behaviors.....we do a lot of good humored laughing, at ourselves, in this house.  Esp when words lead to songs, lead to blurting movie lines, lead to verbal stims, etc.  There's no stopping it.  Might as well embrace it...... sometimes it feels like a 10 second dance party here.  Passes more quickly if we let it have it's way.  Took a while to get here..... dropping judgement was a balm.

I'll take that suggestion, to watch Rewilding Jude.  He looks so young.  I thought for sure he'd be a big bear of a man with raided beard in a kilt.  Maybe he is in a kilt.  Will see!

BTW, I have a hard time getting posts to go through.

Lighter

100

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by Hopalong on December 05, 2025, 03:00:25 PM »

We got snow! Just a few inches but damn, it's beautiful.
Watching Pup outside is like watching a black tumbleweed on a glacier. (Well-known natural phenomenon....)

Well, I itch for you and Lighter to watch at least ONE episode of Rewilding Jude. He's funny, self-deprecating, wicked smart and...well, dif'rent strokes is true too. I ain't pushy, is I?

I'm wondering if the Italian mountains guy is the one with a stone cottage, and a stone bridge, and all sorts of marvellous restorations/improvements. I was very taken with that.

I hear you on Living Big fatigue, I think because Bryce developed a format that doesn't offer much vision beyond...that. I'd be more interested in equally small homes with foundations, not wheels.

hugs
Hops