11
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Developing A Personality
« Last post by Hopalong on January 07, 2025, 03:09:01 PM »I vote for definition number 3.
News:
With over 100,000 posts and 2 million pageviews, the Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board has become a valuable resource for people learning about and dealing with narcissistic spouses/partners, boyfriends/girlfriends, parents, siblings, adult children, bosses, and co-workers--as well as other sources of "voicelessness."
Recent Posts
12
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Developing A Personality
« Last post by sKePTiKal on January 07, 2025, 07:27:31 AM »A little OT here, but I got to wondering about the actual definition of personality. Recognizing that we might all mean something slightly different (and it IS used extremely variably) about what a "personality" consists of. So... still believing the dictionary is my "friend" because it has given me clues from time to time...
here's what Merriam-Webster has regarding the definition and meaning of "personality":
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/personality
here's what Merriam-Webster has regarding the definition and meaning of "personality":
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/personality
13
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Developing A Personality
« Last post by Hopalong on January 06, 2025, 05:45:37 PM »You mAke so much sense, Tupp, and it's no accident. Your mind is your treasure.
I felt chilled and sickened by your biomothrr's voice and mean, reflexive criticism AND, especially, that she's shaming you TO OTHERS.
It wasn't just demeaning and dismissive, it was so destructive. IT's beautiful, however, how clearly you see it now. I believe you DO have a lot more distance now. Not just geographically. She was so unkind to you at your most vulnerable, and she is SUCH "an N". All about her. You as sexual competition, my god. You as threat do her grand self image, how does Marvellous Me have a neurodivergent grandchild with othe problems? Since everything in her universe is always about her, her, her...ugh.
I'm so happy you and Son are tucked up cozily in Scotland and hope that as you continue your remarkable, really remarkable healing and growth, you will meet a few folks who become your friends.
My prickly neighbor and I are actual friends, once I came to understand her better. We can't have deep and perceptive conversations but we'll help each out in real practical ways. She broke her wrist and wanted to make shepherds pie and asked me to come peel and cut the potatoes. I enjoyed it. Poet has her own limits and diminished insight, as do I, but we continue to support each other despite the distance. HOllywood-adjacent friend has been nothing but much nicer since the time I came close to discarding the friendship. Oldest friend, dog lady who lives in a town 45 minutes away is loyal and devoted to maintaining our connection, is very valuable to me even though I "bore" too easily, ADHD style.
It's taken me a very very long time to realize I do have people who care about me. They can't grout over the cracks in me, I have to do that. But they do make things look better once some time goes by.
Here's to the new year bringing us, if not perfect security, at least more internal stability and peace.
Many hugs
Hops
I felt chilled and sickened by your biomothrr's voice and mean, reflexive criticism AND, especially, that she's shaming you TO OTHERS.
It wasn't just demeaning and dismissive, it was so destructive. IT's beautiful, however, how clearly you see it now. I believe you DO have a lot more distance now. Not just geographically. She was so unkind to you at your most vulnerable, and she is SUCH "an N". All about her. You as sexual competition, my god. You as threat do her grand self image, how does Marvellous Me have a neurodivergent grandchild with othe problems? Since everything in her universe is always about her, her, her...ugh.
I'm so happy you and Son are tucked up cozily in Scotland and hope that as you continue your remarkable, really remarkable healing and growth, you will meet a few folks who become your friends.
My prickly neighbor and I are actual friends, once I came to understand her better. We can't have deep and perceptive conversations but we'll help each out in real practical ways. She broke her wrist and wanted to make shepherds pie and asked me to come peel and cut the potatoes. I enjoyed it. Poet has her own limits and diminished insight, as do I, but we continue to support each other despite the distance. HOllywood-adjacent friend has been nothing but much nicer since the time I came close to discarding the friendship. Oldest friend, dog lady who lives in a town 45 minutes away is loyal and devoted to maintaining our connection, is very valuable to me even though I "bore" too easily, ADHD style.
It's taken me a very very long time to realize I do have people who care about me. They can't grout over the cracks in me, I have to do that. But they do make things look better once some time goes by.
Here's to the new year bringing us, if not perfect security, at least more internal stability and peace.
Many hugs
Hops
14
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Developing A Personality
« Last post by lighter on January 05, 2025, 09:00:24 PM »You guys cold, Tupp?
🥶
🥶
15
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Developing A Personality
« Last post by lighter on January 05, 2025, 08:05:20 AM »Makes sense to me, ((Tupp.))
There's joy in noticing achievements and lovely old collected things without comparing to anything. Just noticing what's been overcome, brings joy and is possible in the moment.
The rest is old ballast. Cumbersome. Ready to be acknowledged, thanked and retired.
Floating to the surface, free and much lighter, seems a fine idea just now.
Lighter
There's joy in noticing achievements and lovely old collected things without comparing to anything. Just noticing what's been overcome, brings joy and is possible in the moment.
The rest is old ballast. Cumbersome. Ready to be acknowledged, thanked and retired.
Floating to the surface, free and much lighter, seems a fine idea just now.
Lighter
16
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: The island
« Last post by lighter on January 05, 2025, 08:00:38 AM »The boys changed out the 2 external doors, though old door handles and locks are a tad off and can't be retrofitted, unfortunately.
Hardware store not open today, so not sure how that will go.
Five of us trekked to shark lab, the ferry North then cage diving with huge Bull Sharks. Tbh, standing on the dock, looking down at them, was scarier than being in the water with them, though the current occasionally pinned us to the back of the cage, which was terrifying.....there was a bar to hang on to in front.
I went with DD22 and we danced in the cage and made each other laugh, which was a mistake, bc salt water in sinuses. Sometimes the sharks hit or swam against the cage, and my hand auto reached to touch them, as with the rays and nurse sharks. Almost felt like a forcefield in place, combination of strong tide and survival instincts.
Today is lobster diving with cool air hose on boat.....I think. We, DD and I, have a couple days till the group leaves. Lots to cook!
It's chilly here. I think a bonfire, chili dogs, chili spaghetti and fish tacos would be good.
I'm up first. In and out of bathroom. Thinking about coffee.
Lighter
Hardware store not open today, so not sure how that will go.
Five of us trekked to shark lab, the ferry North then cage diving with huge Bull Sharks. Tbh, standing on the dock, looking down at them, was scarier than being in the water with them, though the current occasionally pinned us to the back of the cage, which was terrifying.....there was a bar to hang on to in front.
I went with DD22 and we danced in the cage and made each other laugh, which was a mistake, bc salt water in sinuses. Sometimes the sharks hit or swam against the cage, and my hand auto reached to touch them, as with the rays and nurse sharks. Almost felt like a forcefield in place, combination of strong tide and survival instincts.
Today is lobster diving with cool air hose on boat.....I think. We, DD and I, have a couple days till the group leaves. Lots to cook!
It's chilly here. I think a bonfire, chili dogs, chili spaghetti and fish tacos would be good.
I'm up first. In and out of bathroom. Thinking about coffee.
Lighter
17
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Developing A Personality
« Last post by Twoapenny on January 04, 2025, 03:51:23 AM »Wow. A huge waterfall of insight and solid progress, Tupp!
Dying to write reams but later....must must must get the
Laptop sorted. The amount of backpedaling to fix typos I make on this tablet is insane.
More later, PUp has over shared what he ate yesterday...in several places. Ugh, gross, goodmorning.
Aaaaarggghggh, hugs
Hops
PS, your last para sounds to me like an epiphany of the HIGHEST order. Seriously.
Good luck with the laptop, Hops (and the puppy vomit!). I'm clueless with tech but we have a lovely man in town who has that great ability to fix, sort and deal with the problem without making me feel like a moron for not understanding it, plus he'll always go through various options according to price so you know he isn't just suggesting whatever will make him the most money. Lovely chap, he's a real help to a lot of people.
I'm still thinking/pondering my mind and trying to observe what's going on and pick out what works and what isn't helpful. I know I have always, always, lived in a future version of my life because the present is always unacceptable to me. I know it doesn't make sense, but it's how I've always been. But I was thinking today, if our parents (or whoever it is closest to us in childhood) don't accept us for who we are, how can we accept ourselves? And if I accept my present day situation or circumstances, I would also need to accept myself - and I am unacceptable. Does that make sense? Kind of makes sense in my head.
I always look at my situation (any situation) for a point of what I haven't done yet. So if I look at my home presently, it is kind of shabby. The furniture is old and mismatched, I always have grand plans to upcycle furniture and make beautiful curtains but I never get round to it. I've still got stacks of paperwork I need to get rid of, boxes of photos I need to put into albums, bits and pieces of my son's that I want to put into memory boxes. I could easily write a two page list of things that need doing.
But when I think back to when we moved in here - with nothing - having gone through an awful experience with the drug dealer, having to start over, having also dealt with a pandemic, years of abuse from my mum and all the disability related experiences - then what we've achieved here is pretty phenomenal. I think part of the problem is that I see things through a superficial glaze, because that's what can be criticised (what can be seen). It's protective, I suppose. I spend two hours cleaning the house because people can see that. I could spend that two hours putting photos into albums and creating beautiful reference points for my son in the future, but that would be criticised as being indulgent (and lord, I can hear that actual words in my head: "Hmm. Alright for some, having nothing better to do all day, I don't suppose bothering to clean your house would be too much to ask?" I can hear every nuance, I can see the sneering look on her face and I can feel myself withering inside to avoid the way it makes me feel. Okay, this is making sense now. She would even relay that to other people: "Get this one. Spends half a day fannying about with photo albums instead of bothering to clean the house, heaven forbid that child actually had a clean house to live in". Feel sick just hearing it in my head. Starting to understand why so much of it stays buried.
I also need to focus more on all the good people and experiences we meet, hear about and are affected by. I don't, because they don't pose a risk. I focus on all the ones that can do me harm and cause problems, even if that problem is a throwaway comment about me (insert negative or unhelpful comment here). Need to change that focus as well.
I think I need to reframe my head into - what I have done rather than what I ought to have done. What I want or need to do, rather than what will avoid criticism or keep me safe (from mad people, I'm not about to start challenging huge men to fights, I'm talking more about that sort of passive aggression and gaslighting that's such a problem). What my achievements are, within the context of my life, rather than held up against the societal norms of (generally speaking) - job - money - house etc. Perhaps husband is part of that as well. I still don't want one lol.
Okay. That's probably enough for now. Does it make sense? I think I've melted my own brain x
18
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Developing A Personality
« Last post by Hopalong on January 03, 2025, 08:11:19 AM »Wow. A huge waterfall of insight and solid progress, Tupp!
Dying to write reams but later....must must must get the
Laptop sorted. The amount of backpedaling to fix typos I make on this tablet is insane.
More later, PUp has over shared what he ate yesterday...in several places. Ugh, gross, goodmorning.
Aaaaarggghggh, hugs
Hops
PS, your last para sounds to me like an epiphany of the HIGHEST order. Seriously.
Dying to write reams but later....must must must get the
Laptop sorted. The amount of backpedaling to fix typos I make on this tablet is insane.
More later, PUp has over shared what he ate yesterday...in several places. Ugh, gross, goodmorning.
Aaaaarggghggh, hugs
Hops
PS, your last para sounds to me like an epiphany of the HIGHEST order. Seriously.
19
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Captain's Log - 2024
« Last post by Hopalong on January 03, 2025, 08:00:57 AM »I feel for you both. Few weeks ago I mentioned to the cardiologist that, as usual, I prefer to be very conservative with number of prescribed drugs and dosages. Reminded him gently that my initial 3-dose/day of isisorbide had taken my BP down to 60/40 At the rehab gym, and he said three? That couldn't be, and went into a whole thing casting doubt on the accuracy of the staff's readings....though they'd taken it three times and sent me home, as I did feel faint. He said 60/40 isn't compatible with life outside an ICU, and I just thought to myself well, you over-prescribed and it was dangerous for me since as I told you, my BP always runs low....
I think he was beginning to hear me or a trickle was getting through. But that's why I can so easily imagine how maddening its been for you and B. We have to fight so persistently to get through and be taken seriously. And poor B, to have not only the mental stress of the medical and insurance bureaucracies but the constant nagging and serious pain....I don't know how he manages.
And that you manage your own stresses and health at the same time is really something, Amber. I hope itll all get easier in some ways this year.
Hugs
Hops
I think he was beginning to hear me or a trickle was getting through. But that's why I can so easily imagine how maddening its been for you and B. We have to fight so persistently to get through and be taken seriously. And poor B, to have not only the mental stress of the medical and insurance bureaucracies but the constant nagging and serious pain....I don't know how he manages.
And that you manage your own stresses and health at the same time is really something, Amber. I hope itll all get easier in some ways this year.
Hugs
Hops
20
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: The island
« Last post by Hopalong on January 03, 2025, 07:46:23 AM »I loved "overtly competent men."
I married one competent philosopher and one very competent sculptor. Both lousy husbands.
Something was wrong with my picker.
Maybe there's a competent fisherman rowing your way, Lighter!
Hugs
Hops
I married one competent philosopher and one very competent sculptor. Both lousy husbands.
Something was wrong with my picker.
Maybe there's a competent fisherman rowing your way, Lighter!
Hugs
Hops