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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: When it's SHAME
« Last post by sKePTiKal on August 02, 2020, 04:47:23 PM »
Idea that comes via Hol and her thrifting friends:
They get together a couple times a year to bring those donation bags of things they haven't worn in years, that don't fit or whatever... and have a casual party exchanging clothes. Social interaction/wardrobe updates.

Glad we could help you not get stuck in that Hops. One of the things that I'm finding with the combo of uproar (with Hol prepping to move out) and my current physical lethargy (thanks heat)... is that even though Hol invited some homesteading type friends to visit - and show off the hut & what we're doing here - and I KNOW there is a layer of dust, dust bunnies, and tracked in dirt from dog paws & shoes - is I'm not at ALL concerned about my housekeeping habits right now. Daily, I police the kitchen; and check the bathrooms weekly... and beyond that - there are stacks of things I want to put somewhere else... building materials for various projects... Hol's accumulated furnishings & housewares & art for the hut piled up everywhere including the guest room... and I just don't care right now.

I know; this isn't like me at all. I just don't consider it a priority. I'm doing a ton of inner work right now; and had to stop myself (again) from over-thinking the whole A&B situation based on me accepting what my real feelings are right now (impatient for him to just BE here). The physical discomfort from the heat is EXHAUSTING to me. I try not to complain about it all day long - but that's the fact of the matter. Even Buck can work in this heat, while I simply can't.

I suspect that the uncertainty of our times, waiting for the next outrageous event in the country... and the virus numbers to level off & go back down, the election, and Buck moving... are all part of that exhaustion. It was good to talk to Hol's friends about their work/projects in the homesteading realm... but that interaction was ALSO exhausting even though it was pleasant and useful.

I think maybe we can expect each of us to have these kinds of things pop up as the current jumble of life drags on without any resolution. IMO, it just means it's time to take a cocoon timeout until we're revived again.

Hugs kiddo. Make some nice tabouli - bulger, onion & garlic, cucumber, tomato, and black olives in a basalmic vingaigrette... cool meal, filling, and tasty.
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: When it's SHAME
« Last post by lighter on August 02, 2020, 04:22:44 PM »
So much... accomplished?

Well... my bed is half buried under things I still have to deal with AND there's to full baskets of bags of clothing I need to drop off at Goodwill after mentally wresting with dropping them off to people I know or not,  who might use some of the things, or not.   

For reasons around zero drama policy and simplifying my life....I choose Goodwill, and it's OK I haven't finished to task, bc I feel good about it and am moving in the right direction.  I don't think I could have felt that way about it, at this stage of the task, last year. 

My room is actually lined with mostly clothing I need to deal with...and some bedding.   It's all good stuff.  It all needs dealt with.   

It's OK.

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: When it's SHAME
« Last post by Twoapenny on August 02, 2020, 03:33:07 PM »
Hopsie, I think I've said this before but when I used to clean people's houses for a living I liked the untidy ones.  My worst ones were the ones were I spent three hours dusting and hoovering a house that didn't need dusting or hoovering.  Perhaps look at it this way - if you were tidying up and cleaning effortlessly then your lady wouldn't have a job!  You're giving her a wage, which she will surely be appreciative of, particularly at the moment.  Maybe look at the amount you're paying her and know that you're the reason she can buy food this week, or pay for electric, the petrol for the car, whatever it might be.  It might help if you get a pang like that again the next time she's coming.

And re the ADD and the impact that has with regard to 'adulting' - I think maybe look at that like any other healthcare problem.  It means there are things you can't do (or can't do easily).  So in just the same way you might need glasses, or that thingy they put in your chest, or your therapy sessions - you might need a nice lady to come in and do your tidying for you so you can get on with everything else.  It's a healthcare requirement.  No different to healthy eating or taking your vitamins or getting your shots at the doctor :) xx
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: When it's SHAME
« Last post by Hopalong on August 02, 2020, 03:19:32 PM »
Thanks, Lighter.

It must feel good to have been so productive.


Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: What's New for 2020?
« Last post by Hopalong on August 02, 2020, 03:18:17 PM »
YESSSSS to a Tupp blog!

This is in so many ways, in my opinion, an incredibly positive idea. (No judgment if you choose to abandon it, it just is making me really happy for you NOW.)

You are such a great writer, so verrrry attuned. You notice details and nuances and more. I think it'd be absolutely a fabulous place to put those great talents that you haven't had the chance to attend to respectfully before.


Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: When it's SHAME
« Last post by lighter on August 02, 2020, 03:06:03 PM »
I have similar issues with organization and clutter, Hops.  I've just accepted that and it's OK.  When  I'm ready to work my through it, I'll have to ask for help and that's OK too.  There are levels and layers to it... some of it's super complicated.

Last night I went through 6 bags of clothing from all 3 of our closets.  It wasn't hard or difficult, it was just time. Honestly, there was pleasure in it,  bc I wasn't wrapped around an axel over it, which is how I usually approach these things.     

I'm sure I would have looked at those bags longer if I'd have judged myself or felt any shame.  Anxiety would have mounted.  I've had company and faced the possibility of being judged over the last week,  but resisted going down that rabbit hole.  What a relief.

I'm glad you figured it out.  It makes a lot of sense. 


Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: What's New for 2020?
« Last post by lighter on August 02, 2020, 02:47:57 PM »
Tupp, I LOVE the idea of your writing a blog.  Whether you do or don't, I like it, or whatever comes from the thought.
As I read your post... there was this vision of a fist releasing it's grip... a little at a time.... contracting then loosening again, then, as you begin trusting.....releasing you into your life.  Allowing you to fall forward, then catch yourself.  Maybe you have wings, maybe you have fins?  WHO KNOWS!?!  I so want to SEE!

And you had plenty of reasons to be contracted in survival mode... no choice... you were fighting for your survival, even though that looks dramatic to write and read.  It was your truth.   It's lots of people's truths.   No matter how many dum dums go all DIM about that.... (denial, ignorance, minimization) it's just a truth.   

Wow... I guess what comes next.... what's here and new and different.... is secure attachment and trust in yourself and your abilities.  What you were born with, had stolen  by people who couldn't do better,  then restored for yourself.   


Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: When it's SHAME
« Last post by Hopalong on August 02, 2020, 02:45:53 PM »
(((((Tupp, Lighter, Amber)))))

Thank you all from a very moved and grateful heart.
I think shame (if it persists) is just about the most toxic human emotion,
second maybe to sadism and violence toward the vulnerable.

Having y'all come in so directly and quickly to offer me solace was moving
in the extreme. You got it. And you don't want me to get stuck there.

Even just feeling that support helped lift me out of it. Because I KNOW
it's shit! I don't HAVE to feel shit, even if I'm ADD and lazy and confused
about how to proceed with my "domestic adulting."

You know what I think triggered it?
Knowing the nice housecleaner person was coming for a second time,
and that she'd see how quickly I abandoned the tidiness and order she'd
left me with the last time. How well I messed it up.

Once I read your responses and put two and two together...I'm better.
Way better.

Bless each of you for the effort to ease that painful moment. It worked!


You brought back a lot of memories. After my divorce I went to ONE therapist who said, after I had completed my story, "let's get you on some meds. You can't be okay after an experience like that." The fact is, I WAS okay--well not in the grand scheme of things, but I was in the immediate. Never went back. 

I'm sorry that happened to you, CB.  There's a lot of marginal and bad Ts out there.  I thank God for Doc G and this board.  I'm so grateful for the Ts who help and don't harm. 

Watching movies is hard. So much of the sub plot is this kind of crap that women have to live through(most esp the historical stuff I like to watch). Can't decide if the stories are worth the PTSD.

Youngest dd and I were talking about how there aren't really thaaaaat many plots.  Sometimes I see that SO clearly.  Like a laser. 

Everyone focuses on the symptoms... the conditions.  They don't call out the causes for what they are... common and something the global community should develop zero tolerance policies for.  That's not the way it is, though, and somehow I manage to not feel despair while pondering it.   I used to feel ONLY despair.     
 It's maddening, don't get me wrong, but there's an absence of despair now.   People are entertained... not moved to CHANGE the foundational reasons we're dealing with all this drama, and writing stories and scripts......  and that's OK too.

I just SEE it so clearly.   It's my need for my external world to line up with my internal world... I think.  The INFP in me.  I've passed this intense desire for justice to my youngest dd.  She noted that too, yesterday.   She doesn't see it as a positive attribute.  More of a curse, unfortunately.

When you watch your favorite programs....
I wish you more emotional distance, expanded resilience and less reactivity.  The reactivity... the PTS is devastating.  I hope it transforms into an ability to respond and be responsive in the ways you can be.  The ability to act, and do what we can, is part of healing, IME.

I'm glad you got out too, CB.




Sometimes, I think it can all be (over)simplified down to shifting our thinking, feeling, rumination and obsessions away from we accept we CAN'T do... to accepting and acting on, what we CAN.

Right, Amber.  I think you're right here.  The problem is..... we're usually not wired that way.  We're usually wired all kinds of wrong ways and don't even realize it.  You know the drill; )

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