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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Checking In
« Last post by lighter on April 07, 2024, 10:42:40 AM »
Hi, Tupp. I'm so glad you're releasing the fear around your mother and what you'd do/will do if she's ill.

Nobody can sustain that "poor me, all my kids and grandkids abandoned me after I did everything perfect."

There'll be cracks in mum's facade and all will become clear, IME.

It's interesting what washes up in the subconscious shore when left to be what it is.  Releasing what I thought it could be or would be it , God forbid, should be leaves space to relax into clarity, come what may.

I do like the idea of leaving room for just not knowing.  Simple.  It takes up space I usually fill with connecting old dots or fearing into future and I've noticed my intuition is sharper, wiser, quicker.  That part's a very happy shift in how I move in the moment and what I leave much of the past just keeps falling away, like a crust, heavy and old.

I'm hoping all your rain means trees, flowers and shrubs are about to explode into joyful color.  My sister and I are intensely engaged in saving Hemlocks from the forest and we got so many planted the last 3 days!  Joyfully making and covering ourselves in mud so you're in a good group!!!

Maybe all the negative battling thoughts will become familiar friends you notice, comfort and calm into silence?  Seizing all the little joys of cooking and being in nature can be just those things, IME.

The negative thoughts, protective and wounded parts, can't be banished, but they can be noticed and tended to, IME.

Everything belongs, but it's lovely to grow the healthy and uplifting things while letting the other parts know they've done their jobs.... it's ok to rest.

((((Tupp)))) I'm so happy to see you're back!  Even if it's a little visit.

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Health Updates
« Last post by sKePTiKal on April 07, 2024, 07:52:50 AM »
So, Voltaren works, huh? I found it in my search for things to help B but didn't buy it. We just use the usual capsaisin, aspercreme, arnica, etc. I did find a tincture - combo of herbs - that seems to help. It's a nerve tonic that helps the nerves do what they're s'posed to do... so it's more a long term assist. He is still on half doses, once a day WHEN he remembers. Maybe a placebo effect, but he thinks it helps and that's all that matters!
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Health Updates
« Last post by Hopalong on April 07, 2024, 01:03:01 AM »
No recliner here, LOL.
A new couch with a recliner seat at one end would be lovely. No furniture budget.

But the good news is that after finally getting my doc to acknowledge that I take such low doses I don't need to worry about serotonin syndrome, I started the addition Rx from the urgent care doc (1 anti-inflammatory and 1 muscle relaxant) and felt way better this morning. Oh, and I added the Costa Rican version (gift from M) of a gel rub, Voltaren in the US, all over the bruise and that helped a lot.

TMI? Hope not!

During a frugality sprint I started doing this about teeth:

1) Brush my teeth.
2) Before spitting out the last mouthful of foam, I sip or spray in a glug of plain peroxide, let it sit a while until I feel it working (I"ll bend over a laptop or book to get the front teeth well into it), spit again, rinse with water. Done.

My dentist always compliments me on my teeth. They're not Chiclets but not tea bags either.

Could you suck up your dislike of the gropey asshat doc and just call his receptionist and ask the question about his network? If that's all you need, shame to stress over an unncessary extra appt. Unless I missed something. Good luck.

My useful contribution for the night. Hope your dreams go somewhere good.

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Health Updates
« Last post by sKePTiKal on April 06, 2024, 08:01:47 AM »
When B is in a lot of pain, it helps for him to sleep in a recliner. It's enough support for the body to relax, but won't put as much pressure on your back.
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Checking In
« Last post by Twoapenny on April 06, 2024, 04:10:55 AM »
Thanks, Skep :)  It's a weird situation, isn't it?  I was trying to explain to someone yesterday (who was aghast that I wasn't rushing to her side) that she isn't normal.  I hate using the word because we all know there's no such thing, but I know what she's like and a crisis (if indeed there is one at all) isn't something she seeks support in dealing with, it's an opportunity for the victimhood and the puppet making behaviour that she thrives on.  I asked myself if she got in touch, and if she said sorry and if she asked me to go, would I?  And the answer's still no.  In a way I'm relieved because my big worry was that if and when a time did come that she needed me I'd still rush off to her, partly because I just hate the thought of people having to cope alone.  But even that feeling isn't there now.  A relative from overseas has arrived and she tends to fly in when there's a crisis (sometimes the local gossip is a good thing for me) which may mean she really is ill this time.  But I still don't want to go near her.

With regards to the self improvement stuff, I think I'll start to relax a bit when I can see changes in my external environment - when I can start to form healthy relationships, or meet more people who accept disability or even encounter a social worker who can write a factually accurate report.  I think then my feeling that there is some sort of black cloud over me will lift.  But yes, it can become an endless quest and that's just as unhealthy as not trying to figure out anything at all.  Hope all is well on the mountain!  And that B's medical situation is less arduous than it was.

Thanks, Hopsie.  You're right, elder suffering is awful and I really don't like to think of it.  But then, her reactions to this won't be the ones most would have and she's actually in a much better situation than most.  Husband is still there, they have a lovely home, plenty of money, dozens of wonderful friends (according to her) and my two clueless cousins who do her bidding for her as her evil daughters left her to fend for herself.  They might be a bit less keen to involve themselves if they start actually having to do anything other than agree with everything she says.  And if they hadn't both been so vile they'd have four adult children and eight adult grandchildren who would drop what they were doing to go and assist, and who might all be living nearby still if putting hundreds of miles between us all hadn't been the only way to escape.  But she won't see any of that, it will all be about how she's been abandoned after years of selfless devotion.  Yes, I'm steering well clear.  It has been interesting that the last 'release the outcome' has happened without any fanfare, as you say.  I had thought I'd have to do battle with myself if something like this occurred but no, there's no inclination there on my part.  One thing I am grateful for is I do feel I've learnt from my mother's mistakes and that's worth a lot for me.  I don't think my son's been through the same childhood that I did and I'm grateful for that.  I hope your ribs are feeling better soon! xx
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Health Updates
« Last post by Twoapenny on April 06, 2024, 03:57:44 AM »
That sounds grim, Hopsie, nothing worse than unrelenting pain, especially when it prevents sleep.  I hope the doc was able to give you something stronger and that it starts to heal up quickly as well xx

I'm not going to worry about it. If I get a stupid dress-up job then I will just wear the same outfit every single day like a muppet with permanently sewed-on clothing. Like I am really not looking forward to the fakery. I think I once believed the fakery would get me somewhere when the truth was it probably didn't do anything other than help ensure I got good performance reviews or something stupid. Why does it bother me so much. I don't like the performance I guess.. 40 hours plus commuting of something which ultimately is dead-end. idk.

But yeah, I will just wear the same thing every day because I'm lazy and I'm not buying a work wardrobe. All my clothes are probably over five years old because I haven't been shopping in that long. My life really has no purpose at all. Maybe I really should pretend to be a muppet. It's as good as all the other weird stuff people pretend. I'm just so miserably cynical. I'm pretty sure I have a permanent frown on my face AND yellow teeth. So bascially, I'm an old, ugly depressive who needs to get my 16th entry-level job. I'm supposed to like reframe this narrative to make my life sound nicer than it really is. Muppet is fine. Loser-Lilly... Tired Tina...  Fake Fiona ...
There is a big big gap in my "resume" and if I lived in the city I would have just called a staffing agency and taken whatever but I'm NOT in the city. I'm mentally cycling through the ways all the crap puzzle pieces feel like they don't go together at all. I only have very complaining and unhappy things to write. I don't care what job I do... I've had 15 jobs none of them careers or anything. That school joke thing I was doing I never finished it because I'm probably low IQ. It was a massive waste of my time. I could have been wasting my time some other way. It didn't help that I had to take a course from a weirdo Islamist about his political agenda that F-er. That was the caca icing on the caca cake. I can't even think about it.

I guess I am going to aimlessly fill out forms OR something.  I'm not sure. I have to just make a plan like NOW NOW NOW. I have to do something. My brain feels like it's dehydrating into a raisin... I'm just tired of worrying but also I just feel like I am wasting my time.

My previous job where I was at for about 5 or so years.. I sat in a beige or taupe? cubicle and talked on the phone, typed some junk. Sometimes read some books on the weekends. That is mostly all I did with my life.

I don't even feel like I have motivation for getting dressed up for work. Maybe I need a haircut but I feel that isn't going to make much difference. I feel old and I have a pretty bad attitude. I've managed to chip about 5 of my teeth from grinding them at night though I mean maybe it doesn't matter what look like I'm not going to apply for a modeling job. Why am I writing this I don't know. Jobs, interviews, what is the term for it I don't know but it all feels fake. I have to pretend I'm not depressed and old.

I barely look in the mirror. The most I do is pat my hair down and stick some cold water on my eyes. I feel like I've been fake my whole life, quietly hanging out trying to look acceptable enough but also being totally fake. But that is what work is.

I will cross that stupid bridge when I come to it I guess. I'm wasting time worrying about everything.

Not looking forward to moving back into the city where everything smells like exhaust, and there is more crime, more people... anyhow all I have is a long list of unhappy complaints. I don't even know what to do with myself tonight.
Neurotically trying to clean some cheapo junk that will never look good anyhow. There is an unfinished made in Vietnam Ikea type table in here that I tried to bleach (roll eyes). It just needs to be painted but will likely be discarded by the landlady.

Spent like an hour+? on the phone talking to some healthcare customer service nonsense again rolling my eyes. I feel like I get NOTHING accomplished ever. The first person I was talking to said something about them not covering some medications if there were a different medication. I just take meds for asthma. But I got really frustrated talking to her and asked to speak to someone else who claimed the prescriptions would be covered in full by the insurance. I don't know. Why do people have to jump through so many pointless hoops. This is very very boring. I have a written paper prescription from a doctor who I'm confused about if he intentionally groped me or unintentionally. I don't really want to contact that office anymore to find out if that doctor is a preferred provider yada yada. So I guess I have to make a new appointment with some other stupid clinic for them to write a prescription for the exact same medication of ASTHMA. Very exiciting stuff.

I feel very stressed, irritable. I went for a walk and it doesn't help, NOT at all, it's fresh air which is something but no all these ideas of whatever just listen to music and go for a walk it doesn't really fing help much. Yeah, I've got nothing to say. I resent having to make another freaking medical appointment for the SAME freaking thing when all they will do is listen to my lungs and say "well they sound clear right now"... and since asthma comes and goes they will give me some kind of prescription perhaps not for the one that actually works and they will have to do some extra stipulation crap or the pharmacy will to push through the stupid med BECAUSE there is no generic version of it and won't be for eight or more more years idk because the pharmaceutical company has to make more money off of it.

Why do so many people have asthma anyhow? Like it's a lot of people.
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