Recent Posts

31

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Gratitude

« Last post by sKePTiKal on November 29, 2024, 08:44:38 AM »

Well, B & I salvaged about half the brisket - and we managed to eat yesterday after all! I finished the meat in the oven. We played original episodes of early Twilight Zone on tv... and I didn't need Hol's help to cook. She even further removed S's presence from her house. New BF C, who is much nicer and truly does care about her... enjoyed pumpkin pie last night.

Today's chore is reclaiming my kitchen from the food orgy... splitting up leftovers for the Hut, too.

32

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Developing A Personality

« Last post by sKePTiKal on November 29, 2024, 08:37:48 AM »

Cold here too Tupp!

It sounds like you're adjusting things so your path/efforts are better directed to taking care of you both. I can relate to the need to over-achieve just to get crumbs of approval! And it's a good sign, that you finally feel safe enough to wallow in the grief of what you feel. It WILL slack off and go away... leaving you less tense trying to keep it all pushed down.

I wish it would snow here.

33

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Developing A Personality

« Last post by Twoapenny on November 29, 2024, 02:28:17 AM »

Thanks, Lighter.  I've been trying to find and focus on some sort of business son and I can run from home, something that involves him, is flexible enough to fit around our different needs during the day and that brings in a bit of money (truthfully the most important bit!).  I've been reading books about money in general, practical stuff about making it and increasing it, as well as the more fundamental stuff about our beliefs regarding it and how they shape us.

Different things have come up for me doing it.  I do have a negative view of money.  I see the pursuit of it as exploitative and am aware that, unless you produce everything yourself from scratch, something or someone along the line wasn't treated well.  I know that's problematic for me, it stems, of course, from watching my mum berate, humiliate and ultimately divorce my father after he lost his money, she horded large amounts of wealth in the form of jewellery and antiques whilst pleading poverty and sending us to school in second hand uniforms and cheap and nasty school shoes, there was never enough money for school trips but she always had enough for booze, and then when stepfather moved in he got to do whatever he wanted, including assaulting her own kids, as long as the cash rolled in.  So my anti-money stance is understandable, I think, but it isn't helpful.

So I've been trying to work through that and for me, it's doing things like yoga and meditating that help, I just don't find affirmations or 'change your mindset' useful for me.  Various things have come up, unpleasant memories, head shaking at my own stupidity at times, very intense loneliness.  I've picked and plodded through, sometimes it's very frustrating, other times it feels fairly easy.  Yesterday I realised how much I've focused on changing and improving myself, in the hope that 'the life I want' will happen and everything will change (you are faulty, Tupp, fix yourself and everything else will get better).  The need to do that lifted and I realised I should put my energy into making money and setting us up for the future, and forget the self improvement (I've never had a moment in my life of feeling like I shouldn't be doing better in myself).  Late last night I found myself sobbing in bed; no-one has ever loved me.  Truly, my whole life, I've not had a person in my life who just loved me and accepted me.  I've always had to work so hard to get scraps from toxic people and I've never been able to bring anything about that involved emotionally healthy people and solid relationships.  Don't get me wrong, I've got friends, lots of people have been very kind and very nice to me over the years, but I look at the way I feel about my son, the life I've strived to create for and with him, and the fact that he's solid enough in his feelings to be a little git at times and not worry about it, and I've never had anyone feel like that about me.  It was hugely painful, I couldn't stop crying and I did do that thing of more or less crying myself to sleep.  But I woke up this morning less foggy headed than usual, my jaw doesn't feel like someone's stamped on it (it's usually very painful in the mornings) and that feeling like I need to do something extraordinary in the hope that someone will find me tolerable just doesn't seem to be there.  I've got my money book and notepad to hand ready for my morning reading session, I've done my list of things to do before we head out for the day and the meal for this evening is ready and just needs to go in the oven when we get home.  Tea has been drunk, incense burned, water is poured ready to drink and I just don't feel like I've got that 'thing' looking over my shoulder all the time.   I don't know if it will last!  Sometimes these feeling are fleeting.  But I hope it does, it certainly feels easier than my normal state.  We'll see.  It's cold lol.

34

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Gratitude

« Last post by Hopalong on November 28, 2024, 02:03:10 PM »

Can't believe I forgot to mention

DOC G!!!!!!

Thank you, dear Doc G, for this VESMB.

love
Hops

35

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Gratitude

« Last post by lighter on November 28, 2024, 11:36:19 AM »

I can see everything you're describing, dear Poet Hops.  The moss and I are appreciating the same wet, overcast day. 

I noticed your list didn't include donuts. Mine, fortunately or unfortunately, does..... favorite neighbors enjoyed Apple fritters too. 

That part of the holiday....sharing....is the better part of the day, IME.

Our friends feed us.....in many different ways.

I'm grateful for the voices on this board.....
grateful for Doc G.

Lighter

36

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by lighter on November 28, 2024, 11:16:48 AM »

I'm grateful for Doc G, this forum and it's members. 

Happy Thanksgiving, guys🕯️🙏🍂🦉🐝🐕

"Gratitude is the wine for the soul.  Go  on. Get drunk."

 - Rumi

37

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by Twoapenny on November 28, 2024, 09:39:15 AM »

Lots to unpack, Lighter.  Definitely sounds like focusing yourself and your immediate family is the way forward.  Which we all know anyway, but sometimes we all need that reminder xx

38

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by Hopalong on November 28, 2024, 08:13:59 AM »

Yikes, y'all are salivating through the screen!
(I need to clean my monitor anyway, LOL.)

So glad you averted disaster, leapt into action like Supergirl, saved the food.

I ate chicken intentionally. Didn't feel happy but did notice a subtle good change.
I know I am not getting enough protein. I have to learn my Instapot, which so intimidates me with its diggggggitalness that I haven't used it yet.

Lighter's lentils are calling and it's about darn time I made some. It shouldn't hurt my back much. That was the whole point of getting the thing.

hugs
Hops

39

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Gratitude

« Last post by Hopalong on November 28, 2024, 08:10:28 AM »

Your loyal, familiar, honest voices. Every morning.
Pup learning, however slowly, simple things. (Leaping into car on his own.)
The quiet streets.
My favorite weather today (gray and damp).
The way my yard doesn't care about politics.
The way the crows have returned to give me another chance. (Pup pisses them off.)
Being nicer to myself.
My cleaner's kindness, patience and gentle spirit.
The green glow of my "SAD" light. The Canadian one affects me all day, every time.https://www.sunnexbiotech.com/
Discovering a good show online that gives me a happy binge.
Realizing more directly how much difference it makes just to love people. Over fear.
Working on trust and finding it helps.
Seeing daily how simplicity helps everything, from food to daily details.
Acceptance of what is and who is and how it is.
The wonder of life, in a puppy and on a planet.
Being invited again to the novelist's home, giving my other novelist friend a ride.
Pup's absolutely insane leaping joy when the neighbor "walkers" & dogs arrive.
Anybody, anywhere, with a great sense of humor. Even now.

love and heart-full thanks to all of you, and Happy Thanksgiving!

hugs
Hops

40

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by sKePTiKal on November 28, 2024, 08:09:44 AM »

OOOOO that's interesting Lighter. You noticing when the vertigo "reminds you" what you're doing otherwise that you're not really paying attention to.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

We were beginning to grill/smoke brisket last night. Finally sat down together on porch for a catch-up & smoke when we both heard a POP. What was that? He put it down to grill heating up. Then the smoke was obvious; grill was on fire. He ran the outside steps; I ran inside & grabbed downstairs extinguisher. He'd already pulled propane bottle off (had welding gloves outside). Then he pulled the meat off (Amber runs upstairs for pan big enough to hold it & back down)... without propane, the grill quickly extinguished itself, although closer examination waits for light of day (glass in lid shattered; temp gauge probably gone; grill is toast).

Never felt dizzy at all in that "action-moment". Dinner is salvaged I think. He went to bed when I got up at 6:30. It's sauced & rubbed and back in a slow oven already... after he trimmed the char off last night.