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91
Went to another yard sale today out of boredom, stress, procrastination, curiosity.

She had lots and lots of tablecloths. LOTS of them. She sewed so she collected all this vintage fabric.

Again I bought nothing.

Looking at all the "treasures" other people have hoarded that they CAN'T!!! possibly use. It does inspire me a bit.

Perhaps she sewed some great things. I bet she probably did. Still TONS and TONS of tablecloths.

Looking at stuff and thinking yeah that is some great vintage stuff and I don't need it perhaps helps me to know even more that NOTHING I own matters that much. It's a matter of purpose and use and that is it.
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Captain's Log - 2024
« Last post by sKePTiKal on April 18, 2024, 08:32:59 AM »
In this episode of the young(ish) and anxious...

Holly's drama factory has spawned yet another "threat" to worry about. An old friend who's actively turned threatening and refusing to accept her rejection of his persistent advances. Both B and I have offered her practical steps to take to protect herself. She may call another friend of hers, who has strong law enforcement contacts. This is on top of the S issues, trying to maintain a social life and getting things done in the studio, plants in the ground, dogs cared for.

I think she's pushing herself to a breaking point. I haven't seen her actually RELAX in weeks. And she's nitpickingly critical - and desperately clinging to trying to control for every variable in the universe while holding herself blameless. To the point of hurting my feelings pretty intensely a couple days ago. Despite her claims to the contrary, I think she's completely losing her shit. Hopefully, it's just temporary.

I'm hanging in there - but have been VERY busy what with deliveries, swapping items in the studio, planning/ordering and trying to cope with her verbal processing sessions. But my list of to-dos is only growing as the mountain turns green... the house needs to continue getting a spring clean... and I need to remember to eat. New contractor is supposed to start today - he promised; he said he's be here Monday and I have a job that NEEDS to get done that will interfere with his work.

I got a LOVELY assortment of more medicinal herb plants from Richter's (in Canada) again. I really need to get them in the ground and start working outside while Hol finishes the ceiling. First batch of seeds needs tending today, finish laundry... start working on beds & plant the onions/garlic. I'm late getting those in but it's been wet and I even got chilly enough I had a fire going a week ago.

SO busy this time of year! I'm trying to stay focused on the to-dos and NOT navel-gaze over the same ground that HAS solutions but no one seems to want to go there. So, I'm going to carve out my own path and let Hol flail a bit more. FFS, she's old enough to be able to sort all this out and take care of herself better than this. She doesn't need a mommy. She knows this - and despite me shifting out of that mode, to more friend mode of interaction - anything I say or do for her CAN trigger a resentment reaction.

B has his own drama factory "back at the ranch". He said he's packing light and leaving as soon as he can for the next month's appts. We aren't talking as much as either of us likes. But the connection is still strong and clear. He's definitely a rock... with feelings too! LOL. A rare gem.
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Signed up for the "free" state health insurance. They set me up with a doctor who isn't taking anymore patients of course. I was on the phone off and on for 5.5-6 hours today trying to sort out this stupid situation. It took the whole day and I still a) don't have a primary care doc and b) dont have the prescription.

The prescription is NOT Viagra and it is NOT a pain med. It's a lame chronic condition medication. And since they want to make it extra hard it requires an EXTRA authorization step. I already have a written paper prescription from a doctors office but it's not the STATE HEALTH insurance preferred provider blah blah blah...

I'm not going to lie.. at 4:45 I started screaming at the person on the phone.
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I share the UGH, Meh. It hurts to pay for stuff storage.

Something that really really stuck with me from one simple-living book I read is that if you keep something because you MIGHT, in a low-percentage circumstance, be able to find a use for it in an undefined future, means it costs you twice:

--thinking about it is a brain drain
--not really having a clear purpose or regular use for it is a brain drain
--just owning more than you can fit in an easy footprint is a STRESS
--add cost to it? Ugh.

Extra unimportant stuff is like a phantom appliance that just sucks down bits of your energy, even unconsciously. Extra stuff = stress, is what it boiled down to.

I'm still fighting it but completely believe that. I want peace more than convenience.

hang in there
Hops
96

I went for a walk and saw 3 orca whales BUT besides that I pretty much got nothing imperative/important done. Sure getting out is essential, vital, necessary as I feel my being cooped up indoors is BAAAAADDDD. Still I have so much to do and my worry is also really messing with me.
97

Yeah, I felt like journaling this morning and this afternoon but then I ate and had a beer and 100% forgot whatever it was.
98

I went to an estate sale today of someone who I think became elderly and her family had to move her or something to a different location. There were over-priced tresures of hers. Things I should like. Lots of yarn for knitting etc. It's really just the trinkets she amassed.

The estate sale happened to randomly be ON THE WAY to a storage unit I was going to check out. Online the mini-unit said it was $30 a month. When I got there the staff person at the desk told me there was a fee for starting it and an insurance fee etc. and it would be $100 a month in reality. Bleh.

Basically, if you have the PLACE and SPACE for stuff you are using then I guess keep it and use it before you're too old to use it anymore.

I'm just shaking my head. I don't want to de-clutter. Like I just don't want to sort through my stuff one more time and not NOW.

Do I need this? I might.
Next thing. Do I need this? I might.

Okay do I want to pay $100 to store this thing for one month. No, not really. Will I? Ugh. will I though?

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Yard
« Last post by lighter on April 09, 2024, 03:46:50 PM »
Sis and I transplanted maybe 8 Hemlocks and assorted other things recently.  We're planting extensions to the existing Hemlock privacy groves, I guess I'd call them.

Will walk the pug in the rain then do some interior editing. 

Eating healthier , digging, fetching and planting has me sore, but feeling strong.

Lighter
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Checking In
« Last post by lighter on April 09, 2024, 03:43:38 PM »
You're a very kind person, Tupp.  Letting your mum's wounded child go is all you can do, IME.  Her protective parts won't allow anyone to help....most of all you, so You're off the hook.  Ready or not.  She would never let you in, imo.

I'd be likely to research and forward through third parties, myself.  Action  would help me get back to normal.....the act of doing what I could, then turning back to self care joy  is a sort of meditation, I find.  Maybe it's a life skill or healthy coping strategy I never learned, but needed desperately as an empathic child not allowed boundaries.

I limit t screen time too, Tupp or I'd tap out SHE LET GO once again for the board.  I have taped in the bathroom and it's always a comfort and relief.....a touchstone of sorts.

Lighter
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