Recent Posts

91

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Hello Amazons

« Last post by cats paw on July 28, 2020, 02:15:39 PM »

Thanks everyone!

 I had a difficult relationship with my ill mom, and she passed away. Some of the other people on the board at the time were GS, TT, Storm and Izzy, plus many others. I know Izzy passed away quite some time ago.

Hops- I don't know if you still have them, but we PM'd a couple of times. I haven't explored enough to know if it is still available to review old messages.  It seems from what I've read that few would feel the need to use it now. Drama appears to be absent, and communication of differences respectful.

CB- I still carry the comfort of your words in my heart from that difficult time.

Amber- I remember when your initials were PR, and all the work with Twiggy. I didn't "talk" to you very much. I was a wee bit intimidated as to having anything to say to you, and I was in awe of you.  Still am, but not so intimidated now lol.  BTW, I'm an Outlander fan, too.

Tupp- Thanks for the welcome back. You have been such a devoted mom, and I'm so glad for you that you are experiencing that feeling called "Happy".

 As to the shape of my present life, I have health issues and so does my husband.  Covid just makes things incredibly difficult to accomplish. Thank goodness for being early retired.  In that respect, we're fortunate.  Our most immediate worry is that the next treatment they try for my husband will
be stabilizing, at a minimum.  Our next worry is that the ACA remains in effect, as we can only COBRA for a while longer. We also hope they will lower the Medicare age to 60 IF the election goes the way we hope. S (my husband) and I are on the same political page.

 I have lots of anxiety and sadness; who doesn't these days?  Oh wait- those who believe Covid is a hoax.  I also have gratitude and contentment. 

Cat

92

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Coronavirus

« Last post by lighter on July 28, 2020, 01:54:38 PM »

School will be on line the first 3 months here.  It's official.

Youngest needs more social interaction than that.  She had a terrific spend the night birthday party with a school chum last night.  DD just lights up.  There's so much joy for her..... will have to figure out some way to get one or two other kids together for school, I think. 

Lighter

93

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by lighter on July 28, 2020, 01:51:53 PM »

Thanks, Tupp.

The last time I spoke with T she said "secure attachment" .... almost under her breathe.

  Like THAT's what we've been slogging towards this entire time.
And that made sense to me.  Forming a secure attachment with myself.... MY adult self.... my Mommy self, as a valuable resource.

My mother was very young when she had me.  The age of the mother, at the time of her first child, is the primary indicator for how well the children will do..... I'm paraphrasing here, but mom was 19... right out of highschool.  The only one in her friend group to make it OUT before getting pregnant.  Just very young. 

I feel as though the T COULD have explained all this up front, but it wouldn't have helped and might have slowed things down even.  I feel as though she set a course, for a place I couldn't really comprehend in the headspace I was in.  I feel like she took me up dell and down dell to get there.... showing me many different aspects of the same thing to drive home  lessons in different ways... adding to understanding and depth of internalization.   Beefing up important aspects of healing and driving home lessons, over and over again, which I appreciate and find helpful. 

There were many AHA! moments where she took me round to the back side of something I'd seen before.... and recognized them without them pointing it out.  Allowing me to pick up, examine and drop or keep things in my own time.  No rush.  Only acceptance and fellowship... always overtly kind and understanding.... willing to take me around the other path when I stiffened up, which happened less and less as we went on.

And I do find most Ts, in my experience, get impatient or have expectations of their own.... they get in the way.  Shut down communication, it's about them OR they're just overwhelmed and look to feel helpless.... I've seen 3 cry and that was the case with the Nurse Practitioner who tried Therapeutic Yoga with me.... then referred me to current T, who wasn't frightened or overwhelmed or in upset in any way.... just calmly went about resolving issues... never ever ever did anything outside that..... consistent.... competent... super informed.

I do feel all her skills pressed in and made the difference, for me, bc I am a fighter.  Justice, the idea of justice, MY idea of justice has never been a gray area, in any way.... she had to teach me to SEE it, and accept all the injustice and make peace with it so I could see the rest of the lessons, which wasn't easy.

The joy attached to being fully present is less like a light switch now. It's not mysterious.  The  toughest part isn't doubting or trying to believe.  The toughest part is remaining very kind with myself, and going back to being present after my thoughts have danced off into past/future, which happens
all
the
time.

And that's OK. 

Yesterday I spent the day attempting to SEE the world through the eyes of a child.  I did very well with it, then noticed when I didn't. 

I'm going to a new creek today, with niece's bf, and that's my goal.  TO BE A CHILD with his child, and he's absolutely immersed in being present...in nature....in finding joy exactly where he is. It's one of the things that brings so much joy right now. 

Yesterday he caught a crawfish and let the toads and millipedes go.  He wants 2 more crawfish, and that's the mission today.  I think his orange salamander got away....it was very active.  Maybe it scaled the glass walls.  I feel good about it if it did.  The snails were out in a matter of minutes, lol.


I have some amazing tadpole pictures to share: )

Lighter

94

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Hello Amazons

« Last post by lighter on July 28, 2020, 01:31:20 PM »

Hi cats paw:

Welcome back.  I hope you'll update us soon.  You're right, the board is much calmer these days. 

Lighter

95

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Relationship

« Last post by lighter on July 28, 2020, 01:27:55 PM »

Really good news, Hops.

I have more connection, now with COVID, than I have in the last 15 years before.  People are reaching out more on neighborhood boards, as your new friend did.  We have chances to encounter more people, and people seem to be posting about smaller things they're interested in.  I just learned my new moss friend moved into the neighborhood the same year I did.... we've been a mile apart for FIVE years!  Just crazy it took COVID to find each other. 

And... of course this gentleman was impressed with your recommendation. You're a wonderful, thoughtful writer.  He's likely enchanted.  Have fun!

Another bright spot in quarantine, IME.

Lighter

96

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: What's New for 2020?

« Last post by lighter on July 28, 2020, 01:21:21 PM »

Yes, FLOW!  It's interesting to see how ideas around it have moved on.

For a while it felt like flipping a switch.... or mysterious alchemy that came and went.

Now... it feels like lack of flow means I'm projecting into the future or ruminating on the past.

Being present turns out to be what flow is, for me.  At first I was bouncing in and out of feeling present... like a plane coming in too hot. 

Forgiving myself, being gentle with myself, pulling attention back to the where my feet are means I have more of it, and all the worry and fear and doubt recede, which brings more feeling present and flow. 

I'l post more about it on my mindfulness thread. 

I'm happy to read you're feeling grounded and happy, CB and Tupp.

the stillness of quarantine has it's gifts.

Lighter

97

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Hello Amazons

« Last post by Hopalong on July 28, 2020, 11:59:28 AM »

Hi Kitty,
I too would benefit a lot from a brief digest of your story. I do remember "Kitty" but not the what and why.

Please come back and update us.
Or just start with where you are right now and the shape of your present life.

WELCOME!

Hops

98

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: What's New for 2020?

« Last post by CB123 on July 28, 2020, 10:34:06 AM »

I feel EXACTLY the same, Tupp. In addition to it just being SO NICE to feel this way, I am asking myself what it tells me about me that this is so pleasant.

Biggest thing I came away with is how much of an introvert I am. I'm more and more aware how much of my life has been a marathon of effort. Of course, no one made me have six kids and homeschool. That's on me. But I can see that I chose a challenging life for my natural temperament.

I'm with you about the house. I definitely have major neglected areas, but I am more aware now how clutter effects me and I am being more intentional about some everyday maintenance as a form of self care, rather than a chore. And, like you, its a pleasure to just say "oh well, I'll get to it tomorrow" on some things, knowing that I can. Yesterday, I ended up in my pjs all day and not really getting much done, so I got up and popped that laundry in the washer this morning instead.

I was thinking yesterday about how fast the days go by. Literally, its disturbing that it can be 4 pm and I havent even noticed time at all. I'm doing a lot of reading and writing and it suddenly occurred to me that I could be tapping into "flow"--the idea that you get so much energy and focus by being wrapped up in something that you enjoy that you have no sense of time. I remember doing it when I was oil painting a lot in school, but its amazing that I am doing it now.

I love love love that you are not worried about son. What an emotional rest that must be! It is such a great feeling when you know your kids are content.  It frees up so much energy to focus on things that you are interested in. It also helps that you are comfortable in your home. I have found that being out of the places that were so uncomfortable helped a lot with my emotional calm.

Love hearing your stories, Tupp.
CB

99

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: What's New for 2020?

« Last post by Twoapenny on July 28, 2020, 09:59:25 AM »

Guys - I think I'm happy?  I'm not entirely sure - it's not a state I'm used to so I might be mislabeling.  But I just feel 'fine'.  Relaxed, content, thinking about future plans but it doesn't feel desperate?  I don't feel like I have to get out of this situation right now or I'm not going to make it, which is how I've felt for a long time now.  I'm pottering about but like the fact I can have a rest if I want to and it doesn't matter.  I like getting up to a tidy house in the morning because I had enough energy to tidy up before I went to bed the night before.  I don't feel endless concern about son; he's fine and that's okay.  I'm not sure if the lockdown/Covid situation just means I've switched everything off but I don't feel dead or numb, just - fine.  I do need to push myself to do more exercise at home because I've put on so much weight I've only two pairs of trousers that fit now.  But that feels alright too.  It doesn't feel like another thing I have to shoehorn into my day.  It just all feels alright? xx

100

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Hello Amazons

« Last post by CB123 on July 28, 2020, 09:53:14 AM »

Awwww Kitty, I remember you! So good to "see" you again!

I hope you come back and post. You are such an encourager.

Love
CB