Father's Day when you have a Co-Father

[JustKathy]

Father’s Day is as hard to deal with as Mother’s Day, at least it is for me.

I used to send a card or make a phone call, but I’ve now been NC for six years. He put me in a position that left me no choice, but still, it eats at me. I shouldn’t feel guilty, but I do. He should feel guilty, but never will.

Maybe I feel so guilty because I don’t think he has a clue as to what he did wrong, or how deeply he hurt me. Then again, maybe he does. As with an N-Mother, a Co-Father is very hard to read.

My Co-F is still alive, now 86, probably at home puzzled and/or angry that one of his children has blown off Father’s Day. I really, REALLY tried to make him understand the reason for my going NC. There was a lifetime of cruelty, but the final straw was the act of disinheriting me out of spite, to please his dying queen, while rubbing it in my face as the punishment I deserved for “hurting” her. He thought I was mad because I wasn’t getting any money (to my knowledge, he doesn’t even have any). I told him straight up that I didn’t want his money, I only wanted his love, and that what he did screamed I DON’T LOVE YOU. He just couldn’t grasp what I was saying. Like being spanked when I was a child, I was supposed to accept this "punishment" and move on.

Several therapists have told me the same thing: Co-F did the best he could. That may have been true when NM was alive, but what’s his excuse now, four years after her death? He used underhanded tactics to track down my address and send me cards, not to apologize, but to guilt me into having a relationship, like I somehow owed him one. What on earth would I say to him if I had the chance? How do you have a relationship with someone who did something horribly malicious and shrugged it off as “Oh well, she deserved it.”

I liken this to an abusive ex-boyfriend who shoots a woman in the back and leaves her unable to walk, then phones her up a year later and asks to get together as if nothing ever happened.

Ugh!

Kathy

[Twoapenny]

Aw Kathy, it is hard, I think these public holidays really rub salt into the wounds, particularly as we only tend to see and hear about happy families and obviously that makes it feel even worse.

I do understand the guilt.  I remember sitting in a session with my T, in the days when I was still in contact with my mum, and I told her that every time I stood up to my mum (or just refused to do what she wanted or play the game) I felt like I was kicking a puppy.  Even now I am aware that I'm really hoping she dies before my step dad because I know if he goes first I will find it very difficult not to reach out to her knowing she's on her own and grieving.

I don't know where the guilt comes from or how it gets there (or how to make it go away!).  I've just done my best to ignore it and it has lessened over the years, but it still feels weird at Christmas, birthdays etc.

I do know what you mean about them not getting what it is you are trying to say.  I spent years explaining to my mum how I felt about the things she did, how her behaviour made me feel, the effect all the things she did had on me and she just couldn't see it or accept it.  Again, I don't know how, or why, but I do get what you mean about the frustration and disappointment when you try so hard to have a relationship with them and they just can't (or won't) change their behaviour to make that possible.  It is soul destroying.

I don't know if manipulation is the only way they know how to communicate?  They can't be direct and say "I'm sorry this has happened.  I'd really like to try and have a relationship again.  What do you think?"  So instead they try and guilt trip you into doing things - indirect force, I suppose.  My mum's sisters both think I should just forgive and forget, but what they don't seem to realise is that, even if I am able to forgive and forget (and I am getting there, slowly), I still don't want my mum in my life, because she hasn't changed and she will just keep doing the same damage.  Other people don't seem to see that and it's hard to understand why.

I wish I had words of advice, it's kind of funny that after all of this stuff it's still impossible to put together a formula for recovery - do this, that and something else and you'll be fine.  It's such a long and lonely road and I think things like Father's Day, Mother's Day, Christmas and so on bring up more problems to have to deal with and it's so exhausting.  Perhaps we need an 'Argh!  I don't want to celebrate my family!' Day or something like that

Anyway, Kathy, I do understand how you feel, it's a tough one to deal with, it's hard to watch people refuse to change even when you tell them clearly what they do hurts you. x

[JustKathy]

I don't know where the guilt comes from or how it gets there (or how to make it go away!).

Thanks Tup. I wish I understood the guilty feelings too. I've talked to so many Ts who always try to lift me up and tell me that it wasn't my fault, but as soon as I leave the office their words fall away. The guilt is always there. It won't go away. Maybe we were just conditioned to feel guilty as children, and there's nothing we can do about it. Most things that were planted in my brain as a child seem to be there permanently. When I became an adult, I was able to make my own decisions about things like politics and religion, but emotions are beyond my control. Guilt, sensitivity, and low self-esteem are things we can work on, but probably never completely overcome.

A friend on Facebook actually had the guts to post a comment yesterday saying that her father was an abusive monster, and that she was spending her Father's Day feeling glad that he was dead and unable to hurt her any more. I hated reading about her painful experience, but the post helped a lot of other people who had suffered the same way. I really respect her bravery in speaking out. I sure couldn't have done it.

[Twoapenny]

I don't know where the guilt comes from or how it gets there (or how to make it go away!).

Thanks Tup. I wish I understood the guilty feelings too. I've talked to so many Ts who always try to lift me up and tell me that it wasn't my fault, but as soon as I leave the office their words fall away. The guilt is always there. It won't go away. Maybe we were just conditioned to feel guilty as children, and there's nothing we can do about it. Most things that were planted in my brain as a child seem to be there permanently. When I became an adult, I was able to make my own decisions about things like politics and religion, but emotions are beyond my control. Guilt, sensitivity, and low self-esteem are things we can work on, but probably never completely overcome.

A friend on Facebook actually had the guts to post a comment yesterday saying that her father was an abusive monster, and that she was spending her Father's Day feeling glad that he was dead and unable to hurt her any more. I hated reading about her painful experience, but the post helped a lot of other people who had suffered the same way. I really respect her bravery in speaking out. I sure couldn't have done it.

Yes good on your friend for that, I think that the reality is a lot of people have had abusive experiences with family but it isn't widely talked about, partly perhaps because it's too painful, partly because I think a lot of people don't feel it's 'right' to mention it.  I Know I spent years not talking about my stepdad because I don't have any proof of what he did.  I care less about that now but it's still a topic that I find opens up old wounds and I'm careful who I talk to and what I say.

Yes guilt is a really odd emotion and I don't know how we take so much of it on as kids, maybe because our parents make us feel we are responsible for them in some way and everything is indeed our fault.  It's taken me many years to accept that it really was down to my parents because they were the adults and we weren't, but even saying that now another part of my head is running through their own abusive childhoods, the fact that parenting does change over time and things that were considered essential at one point - corporal punishment, for example - are now considered abusive.  And of course they were abusive back then but not treated as such, if that makes sense.  I think all we can do is keep striving for greater contentment in our lives, although I have to say I did accept a while back that I will always have niggles and I don't think I'll ever be 'over' it, I just find different ways of coping with it.  Lots of love xx