Welp, things came to a head with Poet.
Good news to start. She made her annual visit to see me and celebrate my bday, and to reunite with poet friends here. I was very happy she was coming. I planned a "Lazy Women's Open House/Winery" from 2-5 that Sunday, said RSVP appreciated but not required, and 20 dear people came. For me there is nothing, really nothing, happier than seeing people I love meet and enjoy other people I love. That's exactly what happened and it was my PHamily and all holidays I avoid transmogrified into one happy occasion. Several wrote me afterward to say what a wonderful group, etc.
The not good news was that Poet became more irritable with each day and near the end of the week blew up at me after I nicely asked her to use the bathroom fan (steam) and not hang damp towels on the (antique) bed. I think she's unhappy generally, has gained a lot of weight so doesnt feel beautiful, and is struggling to deal with aging vulnerabilities.
I get it. But she can also be controlling and condescending and issues lectures all the time. Errrgh. For me, the thing that hit was being railed at about "not knowing the proper social protocol for how to treat a guest who should be left the fuck alone!" Meaning, don't ask me about wet towels.
I was speechless but got her to the airport graciously. Still, it festered. So I wrote her a letter explaining exactly how I felt about her railing and cursing at me and a few other moments. Maybe it's because she's British but she's very class conscious, so when I introduced her to the immigrant cleaner who is an angel in my life she brushed past her with a grunt.
Anyhow, she wrote back saying we just need "not to dwell" with more manipulative stuff, and I didn't budge. She said she spent a lot of money to come, blah blah. I replied I feel no guilt about what she chose to spend any more than she should feel about my expenditures to host her, get her list of groceries, treat her to meals (she took me out for a nice dinner) or drive her out to her favorite nostalgia places in the country. Because she bailed out of her promise to rent a car, I drove. Then she said she needed to visit a different friend next year and I said that was a good idea.
Later she apologized and after a couple of tries I told her I do love her but not her denial and minimizing. I'm letting it go, but am in no hurry to host her again if ever. The lecture on propriety combined with a nasty verbal attack was the last straw. Last visit it was her blowup over me not having a "normal" lifestyle, etc. I've fforgiven but not forgotten.
So there it is. I'm glad I stood up for myself. She's very sad about it now and I'm sad too. But not half as sad as I'd be if I didn't say anything.
Depending how it goes, I'll find out if I still have a close friend or if it all was an act. Either way I'll be okay. I hope she will be too because I do care about her. But when the T a year or so back said, "I think she takes too much," now I know what she meant.
Hugs
Hops
