Developing A Personality

[Twoapenny]

Ah you got back in, Hops!  Well done on your re-entry to the online world lol.

Thank you, both.  I'm staying on my own path but the similarities between her and my mum are blowing my brain; it does make me wonder how much of this is genetic and if I just got lucky that particular gene isn't too strong in me.

I cancelled a get together we had planned; I won't go through all the details but it had been arranged so that I could spend time with the kids, lots of calls back and forth due to school holiday dates, access visits with their dad, hospital appointments (them and us) and so on, plus the distance to travel and so on.  So has taken quite some time to arrange, finally got it all organised and was then told oh actually, child one has this on that day, child two has so and so, etc.  This is exactly the sort of thing my mum would do.  So I've cancelled that altogether.

Contacted all the kids last night separately, just day to day chat, how was school, do you still have to sit next to that annoying girl, have you started thinking about Easter yet, those sort of everyday questions.  Woke up this morning to very nice message from my sis with some links to things she thought I might like (summer clothes etc).  She rarely contacts me and if she does it's usually because she wants something and never considers anything I might like/want (in the form of sending links) and again, this is exactly what my mum would do - she's not the centre of attention (because I've contacted the kids independently) and more importantly, not in control, so its a charm offensive to get me back to asking her how the kids are instead of asking them myself.

I've realised I've made the same excuses for her that I always did for my mum - she had an abusive childhood, she doesn't have support, there's not a lot of money.  But all of those apply to me, too, and I've worked my bits and pieces off to try to break the cycle and stop all of that affecting my son as well.  So it's kids only from now on.

I was thinking yesterday about trying to shift my mindset away from 'dealing with my problems', and to think more about people who inspire me.  Ordinary people, not famous ones, but people I've known who've done something really good with their situations - started a business with their redundancy money, moved abroad to give their kids a better life, someone I know who's battled addiction for years is working as an addiction counsellor now.  And I realised that I still keep focusing on people who don't inspire me.  I focus on people who frustrate me because they don't work to solve their own problems.  Isn't that silly?  Anyway, it was just another thing I noticed.  Something else to move the mind in a different direction.

[sKePTiKal]

I'll bet you've run across a lot of inspiring people Tupp. I've had a lot of teachers in that category, that went the little bit extra mile - either in understanding me, kindness, or encouragement (coaching). The odd stranger that made an immediate impact on what I was feeling at that time (I still kinda smile & think those might some kind of apprentice angels). There are more!

A stranger who bought a lot of crafty items from me, who encouraged me to pursue art school.

My stepdad who taught me a LOT of mechanical & historical/political history... coz he had roles in it... even though I was a "girl"

A whole coven of strong women who gave me examples (counter to society) to emulate.

You're right; we should tell those stories and celebrate them.

[Twoapenny]

There have been people, Skep, and a lot of them very 'ordinary', but they do/did those little things that make a difference.  Sometimes not till a lot later on, when you look back and realise how valuable a conversation was or a favour that someone did you.  I've had so many bad things that they've obliterated the good bits so I'm trying to rejig that in my mind now and focus on people who do problem solve and/or make the best of what they've got.  I feel like my life has been derailed by others and I need to pull myself on to my own track now.

Days are getting longer which is a real blessing so I want to make the most of that over the next few months.  Bulbs starting to come up in the garden, buds on the trees.  Still lots to do indoors but even that is easier during daylight hours.

[sKePTiKal]

Do you grow your own cooking herbs? Most of them will do well (with just watering) in 6 inch pots. If you do, think about adding 2-3 chamomile plants. Chamomile tea is an excellent calming tea and very gentle. It's also good for stomach upsets. Just harvest the flowers (a large fork is useful) and dry them.

A low oven, 125-200 degrees F, will dry them quickly. Honey & lemon are good additions to the tea.

With delicate things, like parsley, I just spread the harvest on a paper towel out of direct sun and let it air dry. Paper bags over woody stems (like lavender - another aromatherapy calming herb) then hung out of the light with flowers down, will dry in about 6-8 weeks. And lavender just smells so good fresh or dried anyway! It's a bit of sensory joy to run you hands over the flowers.

I'll bet you probably have local herbalists around your area, too. They'll know what grows well locally. Scotland is probably more damp & rainier (on a regular basis) than my area is so the herbs won't take much watering. And herbs in general, aren't picky about soil or need fertilizer.

Pick a few for cooking that you'll use all next winter & a few for teas, sachets, etc. A hobby like this can be ALL about "self care".

[Twoapenny]

Do you grow your own cooking herbs? Most of them will do well (with just watering) in 6 inch pots. If you do, think about adding 2-3 chamomile plants. Chamomile tea is an excellent calming tea and very gentle. It's also good for stomach upsets. Just harvest the flowers (a large fork is useful) and dry them.

A low oven, 125-200 degrees F, will dry them quickly. Honey & lemon are good additions to the tea.

With delicate things, like parsley, I just spread the harvest on a paper towel out of direct sun and let it air dry. Paper bags over woody stems (like lavender - another aromatherapy calming herb) then hung out of the light with flowers down, will dry in about 6-8 weeks. And lavender just smells so good fresh or dried anyway! It's a bit of sensory joy to run you hands over the flowers.

I'll bet you probably have local herbalists around your area, too. They'll know what grows well locally. Scotland is probably more damp & rainier (on a regular basis) than my area is so the herbs won't take much watering. And herbs in general, aren't picky about soil or need fertilizer.

Pick a few for cooking that you'll use all next winter & a few for teas, sachets, etc. A hobby like this can be ALL about "self care".

All good tips, Skep, not doing too much of that sort of thing just now as other things taking priority but do like to pick up what I can when we're wandering about - nettles, dandelion leaves, hawthorns, rosehips, wild garlic and so on.  We get loads of Fireweed growing out the back of ours - do you have that in your neck of the woods?  I've read you can dry the leaves and make tea but haven't tried that yet.  Love drying lavender around the house; one of my 'things' I want for the bathroom once everything's done is one of those old apothecary chests with various home made potions and dried 'things' for adding to the bath once in a while   Always more plans than action with me lol.  Not grown parsley before, I find I do well with things like basil and rosemary, will add more over time.

In other news, am on the waiting list for a private therapist but have had another appointment through from the charity (free therapy) with a different therapist.  From her blurb online she seems more up my street and the appointment's quite soon so will give that a try and see how it goes.

Have a feeling my sister's kids have been told not to correspond.  Suddenly gone very quiet and replies have gone from easy and chatty to one or two word answers or emojis.  May be reading too much in to it but anyway, I will try to keep lines of communication open with them if possible but I'm keeping my distance from my sister.  Unrelated news, but do feel the regular swimming and abstinence from caffeine has helped with my PMT/period misery.  Definitely easier this month and less disruptive so hopefully on the right track with that.

Weather has been alternating between glorious sunshine one day and crazy storm weather the next.  Gotta love the Scottish weather.  Went to the beach on a wet and windy day to blow the cobwebs out.  Vet has said big lazy cat is getting too big and lazy so instructions to cut portion sizes and play more.  He's happy with the play, not with the smaller meals!

[sKePTiKal]

For some reason, I find the herbs are more about pleasure than work. (The usefulness is a plus!) Which is probably why my veggie garden is a dreaded chore (in my attitude). And knowing I can make medicines from the herbs appeals to my "mad scientist" inner child.

There is still something "not right" with my dirt or the location of my garden. B has been really helpful keeping it tilled up and soft; knocking down the waist high weeds, too! I think I might change up how I lay out the plants this year; see how that goes. And I'm adding a couple raised beds (closer to the house) for carrots & salad stuff - I still have to watch for/chase deer but it's easier.

[lighter]

Our weather has been stormy then, then freezing, then windy, then sunny and warm, then snow again yesterday morning, then sunny and whatever it is today.  I hope warm!!!  Crazy, and fires too.

[Hopalong]

I feel the urge to be in everyone's garden, smelling turned soil and vicariously thrilled at your plans!

If you're unfamiliar, there's a WONDERFUL easy plan for compact, easy-reach veggie gardens (flowers also welcome) called Square Foot Gardening. It's just so SMART.

Happy early spring, y'all.

hugs
Hops

PS Tupp, great news on T progress. I'm elated you're choosing to find an intentional ally IRL, 3-D! I know it can take a while or sometimes a false start or two, all depends on the chemistry. But if anybody can persevere toward an important goal in growth, it's you. Just remember you are the consumer with complete choice.

[Twoapenny]

Hi everybody,

Well, I've started doing EFT on myself at home and I'm finding it tiring but helpful.

I tried it years ago, along with so many other things, and didn't find it useful, so haven't bothered with it since.  However, I was in the charity shop on Monday and a copy of 'Emotional Healing in Minutes' was for sale, so I bought it.  Wasn't really sure why as I knew I wasn't a fan of EFT but something was telling me to take it home so I did.  Woke up in the early hours of the morning unable to sleep again so started reading it and doing some of the exercises.  It's been  helpful; I do feel very tired from so much 'releasing', I think (and I'm pretty sure that stress and pressure is all that keeps me going a lot of the time - take it away and I feel like I will fall over).  But it's been interesting to see how the initial problem changes into something much deeper and it's made me realise (and work on) how sad I feel that I've missed a lot of opportunities in life through being too messed up to take them and how sad I feel that I've not had someone alongside me for so much of the time.  To balance that, though, I do feel glad of being single right now, as I really don't feel I'd have been able to have a healthy relationship with anybody over all these years.  I think any relationship would have been unbalanced and quite dysfunctional, simply down to the fact that I don't think emotionally healthy people are drawn to people who have emotional problems (I think they quite sensibly get out fairly early on) and I've always tended to attract co-dependent types or the sort of men who want to spend money on you and then tell you what to do (neither of which are attractive propositions for me).  So I'm feeling glad it's just me and I'm not stuck with someone that isn't good for me.  Bit random but that's what's come up after this morning's session.  Feel quite nice and relaxed.

Fairly easy day today as well, which is good as I don't feel like charging about.  We're trying a sauna for the first time today, son's never used one before but he's up for giving it a go so we're trying that later.  Weather is nice again although there is snow forecast for next week apparently, and it's still dropping below freezing at night.

Cat has got a girlfriend he's been bringing home with him; not sure if she's owned or not.  Bit skinny and not terribly well groomed but she might just live somewhere where she's not brushed too often.  Have started asking around a bit but if she doesn't appear to have a home then we might end up with two cats

Have kept away from my sister; friend who often drains me seems to be in a different head space now and we had a nice chat so fingers crossed that remains so.  New therapist starts next week so we'll see how that one goes.  Still not sure how comfortable I am with online therapy; think I would prefer to be in an office with someone and leave it all there but we'll see how it goes.  Feel like I could do with a nap before we go out but no time so I'll have to hope that the sauna perks me up a bit instead of making me feel more sleepy

[sKePTiKal]

Hopefully kitty's girlfriend has been spayed - or you'll also get to experience the joy, fascination and total mayhem of kittens!!

[lighter]

Hi, Tupp.....I was disappointed with online therapy too.  Eye contact is important....try to set up so you can see T's eyes, best you can. Lean in....get what you can.

About reflections on being single.....we both understand and appreciate the safety, peace and possibilities for serenity, when limiting possible chaos and worse from what my T calls "first half of life" men. Not all men live in their selfish baby/toddler/teen needs. "Second half of life men" are more evolved and one does well to remember ....
1.  First halfers (FHs) don't honor women or their NOs. There's always red flags, IME, if one honors intuition and the very first signs of a FH.
2.  Boundaries provide safety.  Enforcing them has been more problematic for me.  I'm actively working on that...more on Mindfulness thread🐦

Interestingly, T and I decided to focus on clearing energetic charge around pervasive and generational misogyny.  Will, hopefully, being relief.

It's just time.

Lighter