RESPONSIBILITY & INTO-ME-SEE

[phillip]

There is a concept that I was taught years ago. It is about assuming responsibility for my feelings. Nobody is in control of my emotions but me. So let's say that someone is pushing my buttons, on purpose. I have a choice to let those abuses bounce off of me, or internalize them. I also have another choice and that is to walk away. My mentors used to say that if it sticks to you, you own it.

I suppose there is one more option. I may engage my abuser. This option however, is being in reaction to an external stimulus and is not representative of deliberate control of oneself.

Now let us imagine that a person's abuse that is directed toward me DOES, in fact, push a major button in me. I now have the opportunity to look at this button because I DO own it. This is an opportunity, to grow. Though the abuser is NOT aware of it, he/she is bringing me a gift; a gift of healing, if I choose to capitalize on the insights.

But, this is NOT simply a matter of accepting that there is a possibility here to gain some useful self-awareness. There is always a risk in genuine introspection. One must shift gears, so to speak, and become one's own observer. That is, step out of oneself, and objectively view the self.

The reason this is so risky is because with objectivity comes truth. The good with the bad. It is not about blaming others, or oneself. It is more about objectively viewing one's SHADOW side, as well as that which we derive our self-esteem.

Few of us are adept with this clarity. We spend most of our lives justifying who and what we are. No matter how disfunctional we are, in truth, we are all motivated by self-acceptance.

Abraham Maslow, one of the primary psychologists connected with HUMANISTIC PSYCHOLOGY, created the Hierarchy of Needs. He once stated that unfortunately 80% of humanity would never know the Self-Esteem level on this chart. Love for others comes in above Self-Esteem as does Self-Actualization. His point was, forget about love for another if one does not love oneself. We may call it love, but unless one loves oneself, what we call love for another is truly SOMETHING ELSE. How may one freely love another, when our love is dependent on how good that person makes one feel about oneself? This is living in reaction, is it not?

It has been widely accepted that that which we resist and deny about ourselves gains power. It takes much energy to deny that which we suspect to be true about ourselves. Our behavior becomes skewed, sometimes extremely exaggerated. We create internal truths to hide from our fears, our imagined foibles. Often these personality eccentricities isolate us further and add to the need for more defensive postures. It is a vicious circle, often culminating in institutionalization, need for medication and at the very least, neurosis.

All of this endured in order to NOT face oneself, in all one's glory, in all one's infamy. Then we look back on our failed relationships, and wonder what ever happened to that longed for intimacy. The truth was always that so few of us have an intimacy with even ourselves. How could intimacy with another have ever been possible? We often sell out and settle for safety. The price is isolation. I ask you sincerely, is it worth it?

[mum]

Phillip, wonderful, just wonderful.  You have a gift for summing things up.
In my studies of life, I have found many examples of what you describe.  Buddist teachings describe bservation of ourselves leading us to understand better why we do what we do.  Acceptance of same leads to compassion, first for ourselves in our frial and limited capacity as humans and only then, toward others.
My mom used to quote Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can intimidate you without your consent."
The lessons are everywhere, but you package them beautifully.  Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Yes Phillip.....ditto what Mum said.

My interest in psychology led me to grasp a few basics, one of which is.....

Think   Feel    Do.

What we think....greatly effects what we feel....and eventually what we do.

So..someone pushing our buttons...causes us to think something about that....which then induces a feeling....and might then see us act. (to use your example).

Depending......as you say, on our decisions inbetween (our choices)...we will act accordingly.

Thus..in theory...if we choose to think:

"Oh golly gee that goof is bugging me" (after the button-pusher begins to push)...
we may very well feel......darn ticked off.....and may also, as you say, react and do...something in response, or choose to act a certain way.

And....to carry that further......as you point out...we have further choices....we could decide, after that first thought:

"Naw....phooey on that dork!  Not letting him/her/it wreck my day!"...
so then we may very well feel.....not ticked off at all....and may also do something else, after that, possibly something to be proud of.

The big secret in it all, I think, is.....catching oneself thinking stuff and then...loving oneself (forgiving oneself for thinking whatever unkind thoughts, or doing whatever undesirable actions, or having whatever not so wonderful reactions......to the button-pusher's behaviour), in the first place.  We can then make better choices.  And ultimately....developing the skill to catch oneself...prior to action of any type...and considering all options....making better choices first...is the objective.

It's great stuff and it is a skill I believe we call all learn to apply....at least some of the time.

I was quite surprised, not that long ago, when I took a parenting course...just to see what is being taught these days....to try to hone my skills (so to speak)...and to sort of make sure I was doing the best I could and not missing important new ideas.

The first thing the instructor wrote on the board was:

Think    Feel    Do.

Same stuff.  Different time.  I was a bit shocked but glad to see that what I had embraced, over all of those years, still makes sense and is being taught today for the benefit of these parents and their children.  It was a good experience and I learned some new things too.  And my belief in the good old basics was reinforced.

GFN

[Anonymous]

We often sell out and settle for safety. The price is isolation. I ask you sincerely, is it worth it?

My answer: No.

Were you asking me? Or was your post intended for anyone here in particular? (Honesty is good, courage is good, if used wisely.) Or do you simpy want to know that we 'get it'? Or are you reaching out because you think that not many people do get this?

Please, why do you ask this question?

[phillip]

I believe that at one time or another we all sell out for imagined safety.  I directed the question to everyone, and myself.  No one specific.  As the saying goes, "If the shoe fits, wear it."

[Anonymous]

We may call it love, but unless one loves oneself, what we call love for another is truly SOMETHING ELSE. How may one freely love another, when our love is dependent on how good that person makes one feel about oneself? This is living in reaction, is it not?

Thanks for your reply Phillip. I could talk a lot about your post. I agree with the above. But it's very difficult to love totally unconditionally isn't it? To love the very people who have abused one, to love, whatever. To love and continue loving in the face of rejection, abuse, hurt. I think that's a kind of love that is so evolved, that is so totally giving - it's an ideal. I don't think it's real, I think it's a form of perfection that's unattainable.

We're humans, we eat and drink and sleep or we die. In those basic bodily functions there is selfishness. Even the martyrs must have their motivations questioned. Would they be martyrs if there wasn't a cause to die for, an audience to watch? We do live in reaction, but life is partly like that. We're not in control, as much as we'd like to think we are. Striving for perfection is a problem habit in itself!

Just chatting if you wish to engage. If not, that's okay.

[Anonymous]

Phillip:

I read with interest your post.  Ideally we all try to aspire to "our better angels" if you will.  Unfortunately we live in a world where reactions are part and parcel of life.  Some are good some are bad.  It would really be nice "to step outside ourselves" to be objective about the nature of who and what we are, but alas, the only person able to do this would fall into the catagory of a diety.  Very seldom do I reach conclusions in a total objective way, there will always be subjective material I am unaware of tainting my decisions.  Just my 2c. Patz

[phillip]

I personally think that our attachment to our own drama is a major factor in objectivity.  At some point in my personal "story" or drama I simply choose to disengage my focus and move on to more productive endeavors.  I believe in the end, all must choose, to leave it behind.  Someone posed the question to me years ago, while I was cycling through a bad relationship, over and over again.  She asked me,"Aren't you getting tired of being miserable?"  This is when I realized that, in fact, I was tired of it, the pattern.  Carolyn Myss calls it "Woundology"  Our attachment to our own pain.  We choose to move on, no one else.  Just my thoughts.

[Anonymous]

"Aren't you getting tired of being miserable?"

I'm going to staple this to my visor, so next time, I can't miss it!!!

I'm so glad you're here Phillip!!

GFN

[phillip]

What a nice thing to say.  Thank-you.  You know the old saying, "Take my advice.  I'm not using it anyway."  lol lol.

[Anonymous]

Phillip, you're quite welcome!

How have I missed all of these old sayings?  I really like that one!!

Works for me!!

GFN

[phillip]

Someone private messaged me, and due to my inexperience with some of the functions on this board I accidentally erased the message before I had a chance to read it.  Please re-message me at pvukovi@aol.com.  I am sorry for the hassle.

[mum]

Phillip, always glad to read your posts.  This stuff I know....just don't always do. (does anyone?) Love the way you put things and remind me.
Have a great day.

[phillip]

To the person who private messaged me-I am sorry.  I received your private message, instantly deleted it as a knee-jerk response, then realized it WAS the private message.  I am so very sorry.  Please try once more.  I promise I won't do it again.  lol.  very sorry.