Hi Suzan,
I think I know how you feel. My heart goes out to you. My situation is not nearly as bad. I'm not in a position to push anyone to do what I don't feel ready to do, but I can say that after posting things about my H and then saying he wasn't so bad, it was helpful, if embarrassing, to have people point out that the things he had done were actually that bad.
Thank you for your advice - I do want to make sure I will never look back with regret, whichever way this goes.
Maybe the one thing you need to do now is to document what happens, just for you, and even for anyone who needs to know in future. Write down everything, you can do it here, even if it does not seem so bad. Part of being beaten down by Ns is to doubt your own judgement and to minimize harm done to you, then to feel guilty about that tiny little rebellion you were able to mount.
Having it all down in black and white will really help to keep you from changing the past in order to live with yourself today. And coming up to the board to get others' reactions to what he does can help you sort out what is bad and how bad, and what is not. A lot of the advice will be what, deep down, you already know. It never hurts to have validation.
It might be a good idea also to think about how this is impacting your children. How are they behaving? Do they behave differently when your H is not around? Do they have inexplicable reactions to certain things? Are they acting out anywhere? Do they avoid being at home? Do they worry about you? Do they stay to themselves?
It is understandable that you cannot feel anything for anyone now. You sound beaten down, tired, even depressed. Your feelings will come back and you will come alive again. Possibly the first one you feel, will be anger.
Wishing you strength and righteous anger
Plucky
