Conflict for me, personally

[Hopalong]

Hey Bean,
Thanks for explaining this ... can't believe I let your experiences slip from my mind. I think you're being extremely brave here, actually. Very. I suddenly understand the red sirens in your brain. I want to offer this, too -- it is very much easier for me to work on my unfinished childhood business here on this board with certain issues than it would be face to face. There have been ftf times when I have responded to being presented with opinions such as who's good/bad, right/wrong, saved/unsaved with serious panic attacks. And I do understand the teeth in the smile. (Now, I seem to be at a place where I don't panic anymore, so I'm engaging the question in a new way when it appears. But I was damaged by it all. Now, pretty healed from that one, and just looking for the present.)

I am horribly sorry that you've been the victim of violence. I have not (childhood brother-bullying excepted). I do not know how that changes a person. But given how much I was screwed up by plain old bullying I can't imagine who I'd be if there had been violence. If you want to talk about it, I would be glad to listen. (But don't if it re-traumatizes you, Bean. I'm so sorry you experienced that, all of it.)

Ms. Portia,
Did you mean "I am a hurt person and therefore dangerous sometimes" in the metaphorical sense? Or put another way, in what exact way have you ever been dangerous? (I'm trying to picture a pistol-packing' Portia, and it's just not computing...)

I persuaded my boss to let me work at home this morning. Ummm...I fell back asleep.

BAD Hops! Bad, bad!

Hops

[portia scooting out...]

Hiya Hops must dash but I will answer that one more fully later. Yes I've been 'dangerous' to myself and others...but not that much on the big scale. Just enough for me to scare myself. I had to face that one, thank goodness. Faced it, owned up to it, and the 'need' to do it went away. Dangerous no more. That was Jac's thread yes? Just checking I'm not going bananas. For a change Naughty Hops I bet you'll do twice as much at home as you would get done at work. It happens!

[Hopalong]

I'm sorry I disappointed you, Bean.
I do have "blank brain" moments.

I don't mean to dominate the board when I post a lot.
It's an important space for me as I'm fairly isolated right now and have a lot I'm worrying about.
I have always figured there's room for the more talkative as well as the quiet...the space seems to expand to fit the energy people have for it. I have a lot at times, other times I'm too tired to be really active.

I certainly should not forget essential things about what people experience here. I have other memory issues that recur in my life, so it wasn't just here, and wasn't intentional.

Anyway, I'm embarrassed. Especially about being thought of as a gullible June Cleaver voice hog!

Hops

[moonlight52]

What Hops said about the Shiites and Sunnis and other Faiths of the world that are the one only true believer's way it got me thinking.
If they the true believers can get along why can't we.I ask is it by simple accident RM is here on a board of the voiceless ?
Rm you have returned with a different softer voice.Can we trust your softer voice?
Of course I did see behaviors Laura that were not acceptable.
RM you did call bean a N over and over and would not let it go when clearly bean wanted you to.
The question is how to live without fear, do we risk it?
    Moonlight
 

[Portia]

Bean, I’m sorry for upsetting you in PM. I wish you’d asked me what I was talking about. I wish I knew about it then. If I upset you again, please tell me then I have a chance to clarify or apologise at the time. Apologies also for being a control-freak re getting you talking to RM.

Sugarre, please take no notice of me. Sorry if I stopped you speaking. It’s not okay to do what I did.

[Portia]

Bean just call me 'fixer' when/if (more likely 'when') i do it okay? please? Well if you want to.

i don't feel alienated at all. Good going with that fear factor feel good?

[Hop guest]

Thanks, Bean. I like you too.

Back when I was in support groups, one thing we went by was when a person took a turn to share what was going on, if they did not want advice, they would mention that up front...even if they just didn't want it from a particular person. That was a good thing, because without that, the listeners would be forced to guess whether it was okay to speak.

I think what I'd like to do for a while is stop commenting on your posts--give you a break from my voice and hopefully relieve your discomfort about weirdness. (I hope I don't go brain-foggy and forget, but if I do pipe up and it's not comfortable for you, please feel free to ask me not to. I care about your comfort level here.) Meanwhile, if you ever want to know what I think, just ask.

I will keep posting and opinionating in general though, unless someone has the same issue and would like me to refrain. Participating here is one of my major sources of strength right now.

I'll give more thought to why I want to fix things. I think part of it is my nature...I play a role in some situations (such as church) as a facilitator/mediator. The flip side, is I'm sure I do it sometimes because conflict makes me anxious. I feel strong distress when people are at odds--not a great deal of detachment, unfortunately. I think I'm afraid sometimes that the whole thing will go poof. (That's not rational, but I think that might be why I overdo "helping" sometimes.)

I hope you and anyone else will feel free to tell me, Hops, don't need help right now.

Thanks,
Hops