OCD? Schizophrenia? Eccentric? Immature? What do you think?

[Genevieve]

Hello everyone - many blessings to all of you.
I've been dating someone (a male) for 4 months. He is a VERY nice man. 53 years old (I'm 54). I was in an abusive difficult STARVED relationship for 20 years.  I've been "out" for 4 years.  I am thankful that I remained  true to myself and after much soul-searching, self work, working with others- like you - I feel that I am doing pretty darn good. (smile)
"Anyway" -I met a very nice man. However, there just seems like "something is not right". Can't pin point it.  Maybe I am just dense.  After burning the candle at both ends for 4 months (seeing him every night and working full time) - I have been taking a break and I am "seeing" things different.
I just want to make sure that I am interacting with someone who has "all the cards on the table."  I have put mine on the table.  I have nothing to hide. I read the true meaning of intimacy -is literally standing naked - with everything. Emotions, etc.
I understand we dont' have to "tell all" but we should be honest and share the important things -things that may hurt the person if they are not told and found out later.
I wonder if he is schizophrenic or has some other mental issues that I should be aware of and he's not telling.
Like I said -he is EXTREMELY nice - kind - tender - the intimacy with him is great.  But maybe this is what I needed.  Maybe this as far as it goes. 
His brother has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenic and so was his mother.  When he told me this - both times he said "I  don't have that."  I didn't doubt it or think about it.  Later- he told me that he realized at a young age that he was "wired incorrectly" and he smokes ALOT of pot because it takes the edge off, slows down his mind, and it makes him feel better.
His father was an extremely intelligent man and an alcholic.
My "friend" - tends to do things in excess.  In the past it was drugs (he says he has quit for 20 years) but he was drinking in excess till he met me.  He does  smoke marijuana in excess but told me he has cut it back.
He has a thing  about flashlights.  Is this a collection or OCD?  he has 100  flashlights and keeps buying more. And if he likes something - he buys it in 2s.
He is handyman - makes very little money - and is not advertising for work.  Says he wants to work more - do better - but he sleeps until 11:00 - putters around - and doesn't get out to work  until 1:00 p.m.  Then works for a few hours and that's it.
He has all these  tools.  Tools  that someone could use - and make a great income at. But it looks like  these tools are "more to have" than to use. 
He's extremely intelligent - yet he is childlike many times.  Talks about his childhooda lot.  We would take drives and he would say "that's a good place to hunt for snakes."
I thought he was reflecting on his past - till last night he called me and said "I caught a lizard."
I was dumbfounded and puzzled - why he would want to catch a lizard and keep it.  I'm sorry - I can't - not at this age.  Not when he's supposedly trying to find a better job - and he is catching lizards?
Also, the paranoid thing seems to pop up.  Example:  I met him at a place where people go to dance.  Several times - he said the man dancing next to him was pushing him.  Pushing him on purpose. 
If  something of his is missing "than someone stole it". 
He told me the other day that he likes to Jinx himself sometimes.  That if he wants something to happen - then he'll do this or say that - to  jinx it - then it will happen.
This just seems like something childlike. 
***I can appreciate this man's kindness, goodness, and even some of his child-like ways.  However, I am looking for a partner that I can build a life with.  Build a life together.
Although he says this is what he wants - and it will happen in time - instead of looking for the jobs like he says he wants to do - he works on his gas-powered scooter.   He told me the other day he wants to buy another (that would make it 2. Once again, that would make  2 of a kind of something he likes).
  **I'm not knocking the man.  C'est la vie.  I think if he is happy - he should continue on the way he is. But it's not going to be with me.  I want a partner that we can "build a life" together - not look for lizards together. It's okay if that's what a person wants.
I think I will be talking with him - and encouraging us to be friends instead of the lovers that we have been.  I will always wish him the best.
It'll be hard, too, because he is so sweet.  But I think it would get "old" for me.  I want a partner.
What do you think? Eccentric? OCD?  Immature?
Thanks,
Genevieve

[Amelia Rose]

Genevieve,
Maybe it's  like  you said - it's what you needed.  Sounded like he filled a very large void - and it also sounds like you "think a lot of this person".
We all have what we think is a plan in life.  If this man does not fit into your plan and  you not into his - be thankful for the kindness, love and intimacy you shared.  Be happy you aren't  leaving for ugly reasons. Reasons are reasons, tho. 
I, too, had a similar relationship.  After years in an abusive relationship - I met someone.  He was very sweet - very loving - tender.  I enjoyed the time we had together immensely.  However, we had different goals - different needs.  I felt selfish saying good bye. Was I saying good by because this man didn't make enough money?
No.   It wasn't that at all.  We all know that "money isn't everything".  And I could have loved him and stayed with him - if we could have shared something more than the wonderful intimacy we had.
He asked me what I wanted in a partner.  I told him that I wanted to be with someone to Build a Life With. He told me he wanted that, too.
But this man was not going to be a partner in life with me. I could see it. 
He had a low maintenance life style and even tho he said he didnt' like his working life - I think he did.  He had become comfortable.  It fit his needs.
He lived with his disabled sister.  She wasn't a lot of work, however, she needed someone to manage her money and she was not able to hold down a job.  So - he received income from being her caretaker.  They received money to assist with the rent.   He was very frugal - he had leftovers for 4 days.
So even tho the intimacy was great- all the other stuff  catches up to a person. It got OLD. 
I went to work for 40 plus hours a week - he'd be getting out of bed at noon.
He considered going out to dinner a waste of money. I called it a celebration.
All in all, I wish him the best.  I truly hope we can  stay friends  because - what I had with him for those  short 6 months - was more intimate and wonderful than the 20 years I spent with my former husband.
So don't feel  badly. Enjoy the friendship.  Enjoy the man. Appreciate  the goodness and if it doesn't work- leave him in tact.  Be happy for the wonderful time you had.
Good luck.

[Hopalong]

Hi Genevieve,
I agree wwith Amelia. Leave him, but leave him intact.

I think when we need to make a decision like that...to pull away from or decide not to make a commtment to...someone who is actually very NICE, we often can't face it.

Face it. It's an important part of growing up. He may feel hurt and disappointed, but that does not mean that your intention is to hurt and disappoint him. It is just one of those things that happens in every life...and considering his lifestyle, it is not unreasonable that a young woman who wants a more solid life partner would have to make this decision. (On some level, he will not be suprised.)

My advice is not to worry about how to diagnose or describe him. What matters most is your own awareness that he will not be an appropriate long-term partner for you. It's okay for that to be the truth.

Keeping it simple and explaining that it's YOUR choice, because you realize "it's not working" for YOU, is the best way to break up. Too many times people get into, "I don't want to stay with you because of this-and-that-about-YOU..."which can be hurtful.

(That said, he does sound a bit irrational and not very grounded, imho. Nice person, I'm sure. But just respect your realization and act on it soon, so as not to lead him on.)

Best of luck,
Hopalong

[pennyplant]

Hi Genevieve,

I'm with the others.  Best to stop now.  The longer it goes on with you as a couple, the more hope he will have that you really are a couple.  Then it will hurt him even worse when the end comes, and there will be an end from the sound of it.

I don't know enough about symptoms and conditions people can have to say what the cause of the behavior is.  He sounds "off" in some way or another.  And he's not really done with drugs if he is still smoking pot.

Pennyplant

[Brigid]

Genevieve,
No matter what other issues this man may have going on, it is clear that he has an addictive personality.  He has been addicted to a number of substances and he may give up on one, but he will just move to another without significant intervention.  I don't think that is a lifestyle you would choose to buy into.  I think you would be wise to move on and look for someone whose goals and aspirations are more in sync with your own.

Best of luck,

Brigid

[Hopalong]

Good catch, Bean. Very attentive reading!
You spotted a subtle piece of denial clothed in rationalization.

Funny, I know it's not the exact same thing...but reminds me of the Ns I knew who were so SPECIAL that "normal" limits didn't apply to them. Hmm...now that you mention it, one was alcoholic.

Good luck to you Genevieve....let us know how it goes.

Hopalong

[gratitude28]

I would put in my vote for letting this relationship go. I am a lizard-catcher myself... but the rest does seem a bit off.
Genevieve (by the way, I love that name), write a list of all of the qualities you seek in a partner. See if he meets most of those... from your description, I am betting he wouldn't. I had a b/f once who smoked pot all day and said he would cut back, but he couldn't. Then, although my initial impression of him had been that he was kind and smart, I started seeing the real person. It's funny, when your mind sets qualities to a person (ones that you appreciate) sometimes it's hard to override them, even when you start to understand that they don't exist. Does this make sense? I am trying to explain but not doing a great job.
Take care and let us know what you decide.
Love, Beth

[Portia]

Genevieve, I’m with everyone else too - and you also! –

I think I will be talking with him - and encouraging us to be friends instead of the lovers that we have been.  I will always wish him the best.

I think you have a kind, compassionate loving nature and to fulfil your potential, you have every right to find someone with whom you can have a reciprocal relationship of equals. It’s your life and I wish you well in living it to the full!

Please let us know how you get on if you want to.

[reallyME]

Geneveive:

***I can appreciate this man's kindness, goodness, and even some of his child-like ways.  However, I am looking for a partner that I can build a life with.  Build a life together.

Right now,  I am visiting my spiritual Mom, who has a son-in-law that is very much the man you described, especially in the childlike ways.  In my viewpoint, it's very dangerous to decide to marry anyone who hasn't grown up yet.  Of course it's fun to do childlike things, but when it keeps the person from living life as the adult that they are, and you are the other person in the situation, relying on them to do their "adult part," well, that just spells a lot of frustration and "GROW UP ALREADY" yelling matches between you both.

I feel you are wise in "looking before you leap."  Again, I will say, when it comes to mental illnesses, chances are pretty high that, when a parent has a disorder, it has and will effect the child/child-adult in some way.  It's highly possible that this man is waiting till he marries you, to let his true colors fully show.  It's also possible that I'm all wet in this...but, I have a feeling, not very likely.

My daughter also dated a "playful, childlike man" for quite a while.  He had a steady job, after going through many jobs...he went to church "just for my daughter" and he loved acting goofy and silly, but came from a dysfunctional family, where his mother left him at an early age.  He now looks for women to "mother" him, and clings to them for dear life, draining them, till they finally act on his "self-fulfilled" prophecy of "women always leave me."

Again, I commend you for not going into this with your eyes closed, but considering it realistically and noting the red flags early on!  BRAVO Geneveive!

RM
Laura

[Jona]

Genevieve

I think you are wise to note these red flags and to take them seriously.  Whatever it is, OCD, immaturity etc., I think this person would make a poor partner for you.  His words and actions do not match.  Anyone can say anything they want about themselves but it is their actions that tell the tale.

[Brigid]

His father was an extremely intelligent man and an alcholic.

My N father was also very bright (graduated at 16) and an alcoholic, and my xnfil was very bright (Phi Bet from Northwestern) and is still an alcoholic at age 86.  My xnh is very childlike at age 50 and I think he believes it makes him lovable, charming, and lots of fun to be around--also makes him unable to take responsibility for the decisions he makes, his inappropriate behaviors, and ability to manage his life.  It also made him view me as a mother substitute and he has never been able to have an adult relationship with his father. 

Trust me, you do not want a relationship with a man like that.  No matter how sweet and kind he may appear, most likely he will be unable to have an intimate relationship--either mentally or physically--once he is in a committed relationship.  I speak from very real experience.

Brigid

[Brigid]

Thanks Bean.  Thankfully, they are all out of my life now (father's dead, fil hasn't spoken a word to me since his son walked out 2 1/2 years ago) except my xh to the extent we need to discuss kid stuff.  I do know that I still have great discomfort when being around people who are drinking to excess.  I have always been a very moderate drinker and my brother never drinks at all.  In my xh's family, each of the kids has some sort of addiction.

I hope you are making good progress sorting out your issues.  I know you have been working hard on it.   

(((((((((((bean)))))))))))))))

Brigid

[Hopalong]

Morning, Genevieve--
Wanted to both congratulate you and apologize. Congratulations for seeming so full of life and energy that I skated right past your accurate age...but then again, can't really be sorry for calling you a young woman! 

(To me you are, anyway, since I'm a snaggletooth of 56!)

Hope things are going okay for you, you're wrestling with a hard decision.
I think it would be especially difficult if you've been feeling lonely, starved, for so many years.

Sometimes these things aren't brisk and easy.
We're with you no matter what you do...should've said that before.

Hang in,

Hopalong