Hello. It appears that there are a number of perceptive people here so I'd like to describe what has happened to me over the last year and a half or so and get your honest opinions - about the people involved, the situations, my actions, etc. I suppose I'm looking for more affirmation but if I appear to be a loon, please don't restrain yourselves! I'll try to limit this to the "highlights" since there's no way to give all the details.
I'm now 48 years old. I've had a male friend (I'll call him "B") since sixth grade (we were 12), so we've known each other for at least 35 years. Some would say that we were more like long "acquaintances" because we did not do things together, visit each other's homes, etc. There was no sexuality involved.
I married (someone else) when I was 16, moved far away, divorced 4 years later and returned to my parents' home. B left home shortly after I did, joined the military, married a girl from another nation and came back home to work in his father's small retail business. That's where I saw B again and we renewed our friendship. Over the years, I was a steady customer (as was my mother) and B was always working in the business, though there were two other "clerks" as well, both female. I went in at least once every week for years. We spent many an hour (at the business) talking about everything under the sun; I enjoyed his company and he enjoyed mine. There was no sexuality involved; he was married and had a child. I had committed adultery in my first marriage, realized how wrong it was and had sworn to never do such a thing again.
I've always been a very open, honest-to-the-bone person. Over the years, I revealed my soul to B during our talks. I didn't realize that he was not (for the most part) revealing his soul to me (but he was a very good listener).
In time, I remarried (at 26) and remained married for 15 years to a wonderful man. Meantime, B's marriage had fallen apart, mainly due to his repeated infidelity (NOT with me)! He once had asked me if I thought God "really" meant that adultery commandment! One day when I stopped by to visit (and shop), he told me he was remarrying - first I'd heard of it! It was planned for the day his divorce was final. I asked, "Aren't you jumping from the frying pan into the fire?" but he was giddy and so...he married again.
During B's second marriage, my own disintegrated. Unfortunately, my husband and I were not compatible sexually, no one's fault, just the way it was. I still think the world of him but wanted something more for him as well as myself, so we divorced amicably. B was still married. I left to live in another state with a man I had only known for a short time, probably as a product of feeling starved for physical affection. I readily admit that this was a case of temporary insanity! That man was an alcoholic, something I'd never dealt with before: what a mistake! I came home after 6 months.
I was living with a girlfriend of mine until I found a place to live (my ex-husband had kept our home, as we agreed). One night, B called me there (over the years, we always had a contact number for each other though we didn't use them often) and told me he and his "new" wife were fighting. It sounded serious; he said she had hit him with the telephone. He was upset and needed to talk. I told him I would come and get him if he wanted (I was about 30 miles away, one way). He said no, insisted no. I didn't hear anything further for some time; to tell the truth, I can't remember the next time we saw each other (though I'm sure it wasn't too long). Apparently, as far as I knew, the problem "blew over." Over a few years, B and his second wife had a baby, his father died, the business closed and B went to work elsewhere.
This is getting too long! ... I found work and a place to live and a new boyfriend, who moved in with me. B met him at least once, when we shopped in a business where B now worked. B told me then that his second marriage had ended and when I expressed sympathy, he said, "Oh, no! I'm happier than I've been in a long time."
My "new boyfriend" relationship lasted four years, until I realized that I was being used monetarily (the divorce settlement was generous). I was very hurt and confused and needed to talk about what had happened so I called B. He told me he'd been waiting for my call for years. I guess I must have wanted to hear that. We talked for hours and hours. He told me he was living with his mom, who provided child care for his then-four year old daughter. He asked me to come over to see him. I thought about all of this for several days, called him back and went to see him. When I arrived, he was waiting in the driveway as though he couldn't wait for me to get out. The first thing he said to me was, "Just because I live with my mom doesn't mean I'm a mama's boy." BIG CLUE! He walked me into the garage (which he's made into his own private pool hall, more or less) and began kissing me. In those several days I spent thinking about all that he had said to me, I became more and more excited about this new aspect of our friendship. I thought that, for once, here was someone I knew had no "hidden agenda," who knew me, warts and all.
B told me he wanted to "be honest" for once in his life in a relationship with a woman. He told me that he had been having a long-term sexual relationship with a friend but that he had no interest in her other than as a sexual partner. She saw it differently and wanted more. Now that I was "in the picture" he wanted to end their physical relationship but he didn't want to hurt her, he wanted to keep her as a "friend." He asked my advice on how to do it. I told him it was impossible. She was going to be hurt no matter what words he used. He simply needed to tell her the truth. I didn't ask who it was; it didn't matter. To make a long story shorter (I hope!), it turned out that she was one of the clerks who worked with him for years in his father's business. I had become friends with her, too, and accidently discovered the truth when I ran into her in town and told her I was "dating" B, had been for several weeks. She was shocked; she had no idea. This should have been a clue to me! She began to cry, asked me if I realized they'd been "seeing each other" for 16 years and did I realize "how many other women" there had been? I told her I didn't know specifically but I was aware of what a "ladies man" he had been.
She called me that night, asked if I would repeat what I had told her, was it true that B and I were "dating" because "that's not what he's telling me." This time it was MY turn to be shocked. Many thoughts ran through my head and the one I rationalized with was that she was telling me this as a "scorned woman." I told her that yes, I was "dating" B. She said that she had talked to him and he was making it sound as though we were simply seeing each other as "friends." (That wasn't true.) When I talked to B, he insisted that he had told her the truth but that she "didn't want to hear it" because of her desire to have a relationship with him beyond the physical.
This was my first experience with such an accomplished liar as B. At the time, I wondered why he simply didn't get the "other woman" and myself together and tell her the truth. I suggested that to him - that way she couldn't rationalize it, as he was saying she was doing, and both of us would know where we stood. He said he was "tired' of explaining himself to "everyone" and that he didn't "owe her" and explanation. End of story. Like an idiot, I accepted it.
That was the beginning and it started only a couple of weeks into our relationship. I discovered just how "moody" he was. (His mother always told me to "ignore him when he's that way.") He had no friends. He was an alcoholic. Over time, it evolved into his calling me names (like "liar" - I have always prided myself on honesty and he knows it; "slut" - this to a woman who had NO SEX AT ALL during 7 years of her marriage and yet remained faithful and B knew it; "bitch" - well, sometimes my honesty does hurt; "f'in c**t" - I don't remember what precipitated that one) and otherwise emotionally abusing me. During a period of time when I had no home (I was having an old manufactured home replaced on land I owned; he and his mom invited me to stay with them until it was finished), he got into a bad mood for some unknown reason. He followed me around their house shouting, "LEAVE! I DON'T WANT YOU HERE!" When I went into "my" bedroom to get away, he followed me there, opened the door and shouted, "Why don't you just get out?!" He did this because I was spending time on my land moving plants and topsoil in order to save it from the movers...while the movers were there. The land had been my parents', now deceased, and I wanted to keep what I could. He imagined that I was there to flirt with every man I saw - and he constantly accused me of this, everywhere I went. I am a VERY loyal person. I didn't even look at other men (though I was constantly accused of that, too). I wasn't interested in other men! When I'm happy, why should I?!!!?? I couldn't get this through his head. He did the same whenever I had to hire someone to do work for me: building the decks on my house, repairing the microwave, etc. It was so bad, I wished I could have found women repair"men"!! Once I had to call a plumber to stop a major leak at the meter. B "ended" our relationship because the man had the same last name as my ex-boyfriend! (I didn't know the man.)
He constantly told me he knew it "would never work." He liked to claim he believed this because he was sure his daughter would be a problem, or his ex-wife would be a problem. Reality was, I couldn't take the rollercoaster emotions he displayed. I was either a Madonna or a whore; I was perfect or a bitch; I was good for him or I drove him crazy. He constantly looked for imagined slights - and, of course, he found them everywhere. If I wiped the kitchen counter with a sponge, it was a slap in his face because he had poured something to drink earlier so I must be doing it because he wasn't "good enough." He was hypervigilant about everything.
He always did his best to distract me to miss television programs or activities I enjoy; any attention paid to anything other than him was viewed as "stealing" from him. He was jealous of my cat.
He constantly brought up things I'd talked to him about over the years or things he knew about from school. He knew a man I'd dated, who had been in our class with us. B had stayed in touch with him over the years. He told me that this man had told him I had beautiful breasts so B always referred to them as my "famous" breasts. I told him he was insulting me but he never stopped the reference. Every hurtful thing I'd ever told him for 35 years, he remembered and used to hurt me again. I had been raped by a schoolmate at 12 when I first moved to the area; B told me (for the first time in 35 years!) that he didn't believe I was raped. He didn't believe any woman could be raped by anyone she KNEW (by the way: I DIDN'T know him but after school started, found that he went to our school). It certainly made me feel that if I should ever be in such a situation again, I'd better be beaten up badly - or killed - or else my "significant other" would blame me. And even then, he might just blame me anyway.
I walked on eggshells, always looking for the next landmine. It seemed that I would be emotionally "sucker punched" at least once every few days. One night, I happened to mention during a pertinent conversation having taken a shower with my sister as adults because we were in a hurry to go shopping. He was aghast; you would have thought I'd told him we had sex together! At the same time, he said it was ok for two women to have sex but it wasn't ok for two sisters to innocently shower together!!!!! HUH?! I often found myself thinking he was kidding, only to discover that he was deadly serious.
He called me on the phone constantly, "monitoring" me. It got to the point where I was "afraid" to do any yardwork, go to the grocery store, just go windowshopping, etc., because if I wasn't tethered to the phone, I must be "cheating." It would put him in a mood I didn't want to deal with.
When I got a job, my boss was very strict about not having any personal phone calls at work. B called me often. I told him I was under a lot of stress (the job was totally different than anything I'd ever done) and he simply added to it. I was accused of "wanting" the men who worked there. I ended up quitting the job. That was a year ago and I haven't had another job since.
He broke up with me, in the first 7 or 8 months, at least 60 times. I quit counting at about 60. I started making notes on the calendar, trying to see a pattern - I thought he might be bipolar. He saw it and hit the roof. How dare me try to "figure him out"???
He very, very seldom contributed to the cost of staying at my home ($40 total in 1 year and 9 months). He used my shampoo, my toothpaste, accepted my food, my coffee. Took lunches to work with him. Drank my liquor. (Remember, I don't have a job, I'm living on my life savings!) Always TALKED about "helping" with different things but never could find the time, it seemed. Whenever he wasn't working (and he did work long hours) he had to be "home" to do something his mom wanted done. I have nothing against being good to one's parents (if they are good to you) but his mother is a cold woman. On the exterior, she appears to be so "nice." But once I really got to know her - and I had "known" her for many years before - I discovered what a manipulating martyr she really is. She had a never-ending list of things to be done for her, and he was there to do them. But not for me - and I asked for very little. In fact, I seldom asked for anything! But if I hired someone to do the things I couldn't - and he wouldn't - I caught hell for it. HE could do it!!!! (But he never did.)
I had to go to another state to support my only sibling, my sister, whose husband was dying young and unexpectedly. He called her house, drunk, at 1 a.m. while she was holding a deathbed vigil!! He sent nasty emails to me because I wasn't complying with communicating "on schedule" with him. When I did get the chance to call, he would say things like, "So, you finally called."
When my cousin was dying, he made my life so miserable when I was pondering going to visit that I didn't go. How I regret that!
He was angry that I had pictures of places I had visited during my life. I'm 48 years old! I've had a life! He pitched such a fit that I threw them away and when I told him, he got angry about that!!
He sneered at me, mocked me, patronized me ... and I was the woman he had, he told me for so many years, "respected" more than anyone else.
The absolute worst was when he told me that I had "asked" for it when I was molested as a 5 year old child. I threw him out of the house that night, told him to go home and look at his own 5 year old daughter and tell me that she can somehow "ask for it." He got really pissed off and asked me why I had to bring his child into it. I should have left him then but he weaseled his way back in, somehow. I've never been a weak woman - ever - and I never ever would have let anyone else talk to me or treat me the way I allowed him. I did it because he was such an old friend, someone who needed my help -if only I loved him enough for long enough, he'd relax and "get over" this crazy kind of behavior.
I put up with all of this without ever threatening to leave, though he accused me of doing that, too, when I couldn't possibly have made it plainer to him that it wasn't the case. If I said it was black, he'd claim I said it was white. The last couple of months, I finally did tell him it was over a couple of times and he talked his way back. He's a very good talker, but he doesn't seem to realize that actions speak louder than words (something I've told him innumerable times). Whenever I was fed up, I couldn't help but feel that I was a swimmer in the ocean with a friend - I can swim but if I try to save him, too, he will drag me under and so I must let my friend die. It just crushed me. I could not - and still have trouble with it - believe that my "friend" could do this to me. My FRIEND.
But I finally had to let him go. I simply could not take the drama anymore. It was beginning to make me physically ill. I am a person who deals with stress very, very well but I couldn't take this.
I told him not to call me anymore, that I do not want to talk to him again, two months ago. He called a couple of days later, saying he didn't understand what happened, can't we still be friends like we were before "all this"?? He's still calling, usually not leaving any message, just calling at odd times and hanging up. I screen all my calls now with the answering machine.
SO: what kind of a person is he? What kind of person am I? Opinions?
