Guilt

[angrygirl]

Does anyone have guilt?  I have an incredible amount of guilt when it comes to my family, Nmom.  She has the ability to still make me feel like if anything ever happened to her/stepdad/grandmom I would never be able to forgive myself for not being in contact with them.  (I am in contact with my grandmother, only she will not attend any family function at my house unless my mom goes, and since we are not talking that means she will never come over.)

[Anonymous]

Hello Angry girl,
I read all of your posts and can relate just by the name you've given yourself.

I have a similar situation with my Nmother and her family. I don't have children, but anytime that something noteworthy has happened in my life (mortgate got approved, dealt with clinical depression, had to put my dog to sleep, bought myself a horse, etc., etc.) my Nmother is not there and if I mention anything of note to her about my life, I get a very blase' attitude and vague comment about it. She has also alienated her family against me as well and because of it, my grandmother and uncles have nothing to do with me either, and it's not for a lack of trying on my part.

I can tell you not to feel guilty, but you have to work on that yourself. It's a hard pill to swallow, but why should you feel guilty about people who do not care to contact you? And what kind of mother doesn't even acknowledge the birth of her own grandchild? I could totally see my Nmother doing the same if I had a child. I haven't talked to my nmother in close to a year and it has been the healthiest year so far in my 35 years. Don't let these people get to you like this. I can only tell you to stay away from them and most everyone will too, but only you can make those decisions. As far as having your child know his grandparents, sure in a normal family you would encourage that. Do you really want your child exposed to the same BS you've been exposed to all your life?

[lori]

My ex-N used yo say, Guilt is a self inflicted emotion.  His way of saying it's your problem not mine.  Every time I feel guilty I remind myself that I surely am bringing it on.  After all, who else is doing it?  

I believe everything happens for a reason and that everything is in some kind of perfect cosmic order.  So, with this in mind, I find it easier to remove myself from the guilt downer.  It takes some time but if I believe I am in the right place at the right time and that I am ok no matter what, (because we all are) well than why allow the emotion to hurt me.

It's a choice!

[bunny]

All my mother has to do is make a sour face or talk in a sullen tone of voice and I feel almost suicidally guilty. BUT! I now get over it very quickly. I give myself reality checks and pep talks about how I'm not responsible for her feelings. I also know if I cater to her sulks it just reinforces the behavior.

bunny

[jamie]

I have to comment on this because I have the same issue with guilt and I am not sure what or how to deal with it. I am seeing a doctor of course- and suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder. I have seen lots of doctors in my life- this one is actually good, however we are working on guilt...and I feel guilty even when my mom hasn't even done anything to make me feel guilty if that makes sense. I am sure it doesn't. I have a wonderful family- honestly. A absolutley wonderful husband and a beautiful 15 month old son and I am so tired of feeling guilty and being scared. I say scared because I bottle all my emotions up and then when it comes to surface (because you can only hold so much in) I have a huge anxiety attack because I don't know how to show my emotions balanced. Does anyone else feel this way?
Jamie

[Firebird]

I think what's hiding behind your anxiety attacks is huge murderous rage.  It's ok to feel rage!!!  Healthy in fact.  But it's the guilt that stops us feeling it - we must be such bad people to feel rage against such lovely people - a lovely husband, lovely child, a mother who has done so much for us...

Even 'lovely' people can use us up, exhaust us and place demands on us beyond our capacity to cope. Especially babies! That's when we feel rage, squash it down and it bursts out.

Feel the rage - acknowledge it - and it'll simmer down. Then you won't be afraid of it any more.  Easier said than done, of course.    and it's a huge circle - where do you start?!  There's probably a huge dose of shame in there, too.  Anger - guilt - shame - anxiety - panic - acting out - easing of feelings - until the next time the cycle starts again.  

Maybe you could grab hold of the anxiety next time it starts and try to work back to what you might have felt angry about - doesn't matter if it was totally unreasonable to get angry over it (more than likely your judgement about what's reasonable is out of kilter if you've had one of 'those' kinds of mothers!!!!).  Good luck!