Really fed up.

[Twoapenny]

Hi everyone,

Sorry, I just want to have a moan and let off some steam

My sister recently left her husband (hooray!  He's an a**hole).  She packed a bag and walked out and I said she could stay with me until she sorted out a new place to live.

Obviously these things take time but since she moved in she seems to have done nothing but go shopping and go out with her new boyfriend.  I fully appreciate she wants to let off some steam and let her hair down a bit but there are some things that need to take priority.  She's not saving any money toward getting a new place and hadn't done anything about getting the money she has tied up in the house they own together, or started divorce proceedings.  No-one is supposed to know about the new man (because it would cause so many problems with her kids and soon to be ex husband) so I've been having to be 'evasive' when the kids have called round asking where she is (they're all over 18 but obviously still want to see their mum and whilst I haven't lied exactly, I haven't been able to tell the truth either).

I was starting to feel like nothing was going to change and she might not sort herself out without a nudge so I put a time limit of six weeks on her staying.  I felt this was a reasonable amount of time for her to get things organised.  She got really upset but after she calmed down she said okay and was alright about it.

Since then her husband has been hassling her more and more.  I kept saying to her she needed to speak to a solicitor and possibly get an injunction taken out against him but she still didn't do anything.  Last night he caused a big scene fairly late at night and was threatening to kill her.  Then her daughter arrived an hour or so later sobbing hysterically saying he had just tried to kill her.

I've had a lot of problems with social services and other agencies over the years because my mum has made repeated accusations against me.  Although they've always been proven to be false it still looks really bad on paper and I've found the approach the agencies take to be 'guilty until you prove yourself innocent'.  It's very hard to prove you didn't do something!  I am therefore very scared of anything like that happening again.  I felt that last night my sister and her daughter should have reported the husband to the police, but as it counts as domestic violence and my sister is currently living with me, the police will automatically refer to social services because there is a child in the house.  This is standard procedure in our area.  I do not want to have to cope with the stress of another investigation, nor do I want my son to see/hear things like that.

It was late when all this happened last night and neither of us slept very well.  When I got up I told her I was really sorry but I needed her to move out as I didn't want to risk the police or any other agencies getting involved again.  I told her I feel that she should be reporting him when he does these things and getting an injunction, but that I didn't want it linked to my address.  She has other friends she can stay with and I told her I'm happy for her to keep her stuff here and to spend as much time here as she wants to, as long as she is sleeping somewhere else.  If she is able to get an injunction taken out and sorts the other stuff out I don't mind her coming back here for a couple of weeks if she wants to.

I didn't hear from her all day after this and I sent a couple of texts that she didn't reply to.  I then got a message this evening asking if it was okay to stay tonight, to which I said no.  She then said she had nowhere else to go and I said I was really sorry but I didn't want to risk the same thing happening again tonight.  I also know of at least two other people who offered her a bed a week or so ago, so I don't see any reason why that offer wouldn't still be open now.

I feel really bad about the whole situation and I don't want to see her miserable or unhappy.  I know it is really tough for her but equally I don't want all of this around my son and I don't want to risk things getting nasty and him being involved in that.  My guess would be that the husband will just escalate his behaviour until someone puts a stop to it, which again I assume is only possible through an injunction.  I feel like I've done the 'right' thing but I just feel so wrong about it, if you know what I mean?

Sorry.  I know it's really long.  Just needed to get it off my chest before I go to bed tonight.  Thank you for reading.

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi Two...

You did the right thing, as the right thing is what is best for you, under the circumstances. You look after YOU first, then when you are needed you are supposedly 'together' enough to handle any crisis that comes along.

So SiS left A*H, and it is now up to her to get her new life in order. Thanks to you, she had a place to go, temporarily, as we all likely have done in our time, and one must not wear out one's welcome. Get down to business and find her own place, so she can continue getting down to her own business.

With your history, as you say, you don't need the police there because of her squabbles. It's difficult to say what would happen if your address popped up again and family feuds.

Yes. You did the right thing....and stick to it!

xx
Izzy

[Hopalong]

I think you did right, too, TT...

you are keeping home safe for your son.

That's job one, your top responsibility. The rest of the world has to come second.

She will understand, and you have held all the space for her that you can.

The sleeping boundary, and injunction address...is fair and necessary.

xo
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hi Izzy, Hi Hops,

Thank you for your replies. I know it was the sensible thing to do, it just feels bad.  If I hadn't had so many problems with different agencies in the past I'd have gone out there and kicked his a** myself - plus even if there was a referral we may get someone normal who sees the situation for what it is and helps us deal with it.  But somehow I've always attracted professionals like my mum!  And like her, they've seen what they want to and sided with her rather than me.  I know it's a bit paranoid but it scares me so much.  I've been doing well with all my 'stuff' yesterday, but all day yesterday I was panicky and jumpy and back to the old me.

I think all of my siblings are still waiting for mummy to come look after them.  I think I was like that myself for a long time.  It's very sad.  My sister's been in an abusive relationship with hubby for 26 years, after leaving an abusive home to be with him.  Now she has nothing of her own in her life and isn't able to do the 'adult' stuff and sort out the boring but necessary bits.  Abuse does so much damage beyond what is immediately obvious

Thank you for your kind words.  I'm sure she will be okay, I just know how it feels to feel like no-one cares - and that's probably how she's feeling right now.

Thank you both xx

[lighter]

So sorry to read you're feeling bad.

::sending you strength and resolve::

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Thank you, Lighter.

My sister came round this evening.  We talked, we both cried, we hugged, and things felt okay.  I still feel bad about not being able to have her stay with me, but she is staying with a friend for now and does seem to have realised that she needs to get some proper help with the situation and save the money she needs for a deposit.  So things are better than they were yesterday.  Hopefully a good nights' sleep will help as well.

Thank you for your kind thoughts. xx

[lighter]

She needed to make those realizations, Top.

You're helping her take responsibility, as well as protecting yourself.

It's OK.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Hi Lighter,

I saw my sister again yesterday.  She still has not spoken to a solicitor (or even made an appointment to go and see one).  She has spent her wages and saved no money for a deposit.  She's done nothing about an injunction, so hubby is still hassling her and sending messages, threats etc.

I feel better about asking her to move out.  It would have driven me mad by now!

Thanks for your thoughts xx

[sKePTiKal]

ehhhhhhh - BLECK!!!

Tups, honey, you're allowed to feel badly that your sister is going through all this... and still do what you need to do, to protect yourself & home & son from any collateral damage fallout that might be following her around. Is there any kind of service or agency close by that helps women with domestic violence issues? What you've been telling her she needs to do is spot on, mind you. But the message might hold some more weight or get through more clearly, if it comes from a stranger. And they can help her get organized on the practical things, too.

I imagine she's afraid and overwhelmed - all the while convinced she doesn't deserve to live a safe decent life - and so she's able to "conveniently" avoid saving money and thinking about her next steps. Hear me: that's a bit too much for you to take on right now. You've made some excellent progress and you deserve to enjoy the peace and assurance that comes with it. The absolute best thing you could do - compassionate caring without throwing yourself under the bus - is locate someone to assist her (even check them out for the types of professionals that you know are counterproductive)... and then go with your sister the first time. As a "buddy"... and to make sure the new helpers are aware of the level of threats that are being made. Your sister may not tell them; she may still believe it's not serious. In my opinion, any time threats like this are made - it's serious. You can't afford to be wrong.

Good luck, hon.

[lighter]

That's the think about loving other people.....

we don't have to do it exactly the way others require us to.

We can do it the way we need to, and it can still be OK.

Sure, they'll protest, and try to make things unbearable enough that we give in, but.....

who are we responsible for here?

Them or us?

Us.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Hi Phoenix and Lighter,

She has the number for the local women's charity and has had it for six weeks now.  I've contacted them before about another family member I was worried about - they are very friendly and helpful and supportive but can't do anything unless the person being threatened/abused etc makes the call.  It's that whole thing about the first step being recognising there's a problem and taking responsibility and making that first call.  I've offered to go to any appointments with her that she wants me to (which I would be prepared to do) but she hasn't made any yet!  I kind of feel alright about it.  I feel like I've offered to help (and am still able/prepared to help) without getting too involved and making it all my problem or taking over (which I'm prone to doing).  To be honest I'm viewing it more now as a test to see whether I can be involved with someone without falling into my old habits and patterns.  She's moved into accommodation at her place of work so she is really safe there; there's 24 hour security and only one road in or out so there's no way he could get in there.  The most he could do is make a fuss at the door but they'd just call the police so from that point of view I think she's safe enough.

Something I think I am starting to get now (it's taken long enough!) is that you can have a relationship with someone, love them, care for them, worry about them, but you don't have to agree with everything they do or do everything for them.  I don't think I've ever understood that before.  My relationship with my mum and step-dad was always total agreement and obedience, without question, every time.  I think it's why I find relationships difficult - if someone does something crappy I feel like I can't be around them anymore because they have to be perfect in order to be loved?  It's how I was made to feel.  But I'm starting to get that I can still love my sister even though I'm not happy about the situation at the minute.  Which I think is a good thing!

Thanks to both of you for your replies xx

[sKePTiKal]

Tups, I don't always agree with myself!! Good thing, I've learned I don't really mind being wrong sometimes, huh?  :LOL:

I think your summer has taught you a LOT and that you've made some really tremendous progress.

[Twoapenny]

Hi Phoenix

You weren't wrong at all!  What you said was spot on - and my sister has been talking about doing all of these things for weeks, it's just she talks about it but doesn't do it!  I'm kind of the opposite, I can't get things out of my head until I've dealt with them - which can be difficult because sometimes sitting back and doing nothing is the best thing to do!  Things must be going fine for her because I haven't heard from her - you know that story!  Lol

Thanks for your posts xx