PR's new saga...

[debkor]

Oh PR 😭😭😭😭...I just logged on...😭😭😭😭.  I'm so very sorry. I'm shocked. Lots of love and hugs in these difficult times to you and your family. Thinking of you and yours. xoxoxoxo

[sKePTiKal]

So, all the business side of things needs to conform to the rules & regulations of the day. There is a set procedure. Piece o' cake.

The personal side of things, not so much. I find that my choices of things I might like to do now, are so wide open and cover a spectrum of things I like... that it's daunting to know which way to go. I can fully appreciate why the stock advice is to not make any major decisions for at least 6 months. What if you choose unwisely? (Not saying I'll follow it, because I've had a long time to think about this.)

There is a lot of rapid change, in self, occurring. I guess when one is in a relationship - there is a certain amount of reliquishing decision-making control to accommodate the other person and their preferences. When that commitment is completed with finality, then what I'm finding isn't so much that he's left a big hole... but that I am becoming whole-ly "me". Albeit, I get to keep all the lessons learned from growing together with him and how we interacted. Does that make any sense?

We usually see being "co-dependent" in a really bad light. But to truly be in a loving relationship - there does have to be some "co-existing"; and a trusting reliance on the other; an "us space" - where compromises are made, irritations and quirks and personal struggles are tolerated, and we give up a part of our autonomy for the coziness of having another human in our "inner court". When it works, the other person understands it basically the same way.

Once again, I'm faced with a strange set of challenges - the ability to choose almost any future I want, where ever I want - only this time I don't really have to consider the welfare or opinions of any other person. That's not to say that I'm not HEARING all those opinions about "what I should do now" - LOL - far from it. It's kind of interesting to see what they value, expressed in that advice. And also their fears about potentially being in my shoes themselves.

I'm still cussing him, you know. As I clear away all the stacks of paper and ticky-tacky that he wouldn't let me get rid of. I'm putting furniture where I want it. Finally upgrading the tech stuff and organizing the office, to be functional. Watching what I want to watch on the boob tube instead of the normal stuff -- or turning the damn thing off. My rotating shift of visitors have remarked how odd it is to get up in the morning and there's no sound of tv. Yeah. FINALLY. That thing is like a huge pacifier and makes people completely passive. Great for a soporific - not so much, for "having a life" and being fully engaged in it.

[sKePTiKal]

So, I find that clearing out all the "stuff" I've whined about for years is aggravating anger (at being left to deal with it), that overwhelming sense of loss, and some sense of new freedom/wholeness. It gives me great joy to find the stacks of crap he hid from me (mostly junk mail) and recycle it - FINALLY. There is a brand new "sense of order" settling into the spaces here.

I had started asking myself what I "wanted" to do, after he died - long before it looked like it was going to be a reality. I still hoped he hadn't waited too long. And I had a super-strong pull in a direction that is still a viable option. But now I'm "stuck" -- still "taking care of him & his stuff" -- and not able to do something as simple as schedule myself a massage; things just for me. Y'all can suggest as many practical options as you want, but until I feel just as important to take care of - as it is working through hubs' pile o' crap... I simply won't do anything. Found myself procrastinating about my eye checkup; then a screw came loose on my glasses... and the lens popped out. I was able to fix them in a few minutes... but TALK ABOUT A SIGN.

I just started getting outside to tackle the immense amount of yardwork, that I couldn't do while "on duty" with hubs. Feels good to be moving again, but that massage sounds better & better. All I have to do - is PICK UP THE PHONE. It's not that I have so much on my mind - au contraire. I've known for a long, long time what I would different around here. Just haven't been able to do so - because hubs got in the way, one way or another and stopped me from dealing with it. His hang-up was, love him - love his "stuff". He claimed at least the baggage he brought to this relationship was just "stuff"... while mine was emotional baggage. So, he died with the most toys. Great - I wish he HAD been able to take them with him. It's him I miss -- and his "stuff" just ain't a good substitute. And I feel compelled to deal with HIS stuff - before I deal with mine.

Ain't that dumb? I do fight against it, some. I know it's just a neural pattern; a groove in a vinyl record album.

But I can see myself becoming my mother - who for 50 years has been trying to let go of all her "stuff" and is continually sorting & reorganizing it. Unless I just get mad and find someone to come get it all. They're gonna need a big truck.

No way am I going to let a habit take over and make me as crazy as my mother.

[Twoapenny]

So, I find that clearing out all the "stuff" I've whined about for years is aggravating anger (at being left to deal with it), that overwhelming sense of loss, and some sense of new freedom/wholeness. It gives me great joy to find the stacks of crap he hid from me (mostly junk mail) and recycle it - FINALLY. There is a brand new "sense of order" settling into the spaces here.

I had started asking myself what I "wanted" to do, after he died - long before it looked like it was going to be a reality. I still hoped he hadn't waited too long. And I had a super-strong pull in a direction that is still a viable option. But now I'm "stuck" -- still "taking care of him & his stuff" -- and not able to do something as simple as schedule myself a massage; things just for me. Y'all can suggest as many practical options as you want, but until I feel just as important to take care of - as it is working through hubs' pile o' crap... I simply won't do anything. Found myself procrastinating about my eye checkup; then a screw came loose on my glasses... and the lens popped out. I was able to fix them in a few minutes... but TALK ABOUT A SIGN.

I just started getting outside to tackle the immense amount of yardwork, that I couldn't do while "on duty" with hubs. Feels good to be moving again, but that massage sounds better & better. All I have to do - is PICK UP THE PHONE. It's not that I have so much on my mind - au contraire. I've known for a long, long time what I would different around here. Just haven't been able to do so - because hubs got in the way, one way or another and stopped me from dealing with it. His hang-up was, love him - love his "stuff". He claimed at least the baggage he brought to this relationship was just "stuff"... while mine was emotional baggage. So, he died with the most toys. Great - I wish he HAD been able to take them with him. It's him I miss -- and his "stuff" just ain't a good substitute. And I feel compelled to deal with HIS stuff - before I deal with mine.

Ain't that dumb? I do fight against it, some. I know it's just a neural pattern; a groove in a vinyl record album.

But I can see myself becoming my mother - who for 50 years has been trying to let go of all her "stuff" and is continually sorting & reorganizing it. Unless I just get mad and find someone to come get it all. They're gonna need a big truck.

No way am I going to let a habit take over and make me as crazy as my mother.

Phoenix, I often find that when I keep putting off the self care stuff, like booking up a massage, it's because doing that will make me relax and then I'll let go.  And if I've got a shed load of stuff to get through I just can't let go and go all floppy in the middle of it because then it's too much and I can't cope.  I am with you in spirit - I love clearing stuff out - and I do think that a practical, physical clear out is every bit as beneficial and useful as a swim or a massage or whatever else it might be that is needed.  So I say go with the flow, get on with the practical stuff and when the time is right for that massage you can go and do it and if that means you spend the next three days curled up on the sofa watching films or needing to get out and hike up mountains then there will be no reason for you not to.  Sending love and strength to you, you're amazing xx

[lighter]

sKeP:

If you get angry, and call a truck to cart stuff way........

it might be a pretty great option, IMO.
 
Once it's done, I think you'd have few regrets. 

All that clear sunny space will be a balm to soul and creativity.

::Hoping you make an eye appointment... hoping you get that massage soon::

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Lighter.

My mood just went 180 degrees into sadness last night. The yacht club posted their most recent pictures of hubs on facebook and I was happily scrolling along, when WHAM: there he was. I wasn't expecting it and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Great pictures - but OMG - he's not coming back and looking at his picture and realizing that is like shoving a sharp stick in my eye. And I'm bawling again. Dammit. I am so tired of having pockets full of wet kleenex.

So, I'm taking the "day off". Just having a "me" day. I may not do anything except sit around cry. Just because I can and just because sooner or later, I'm going to run out of tears. Saw a post from a professor on FB this morning that I used to work with. Her hubs died 8 yrs ago, about this time of year. She is just now moving -- and still crying. 8 years is a long time. I would be staring at 70 yrs old, if I waited that long to get on with my life. The things that remind me of him - in a good way - are what make me sad. Maybe in a self-pitying sort of way even. I do feel sorry for me.

And the "stuff" -- well, I'm liking that truck idea a lot. Just a one fell swoop - clear the decks of the last 15 years. Finish grieving in MY space, not surrounded by his stuff; or left to keep running into either grief or anger at the sheer amount of stuff left to me, to deal with.

I need that clear space, to figure out how to be ME. And what my life is going to be like NOW. And where I want to BE... and figure out what in the world I'm going to do with myself now. I don't want to spend years sorting through the past.

[ann3]

PR,
I can relate to so much to what you're describing.  I lost my significant other about 12 years ago.  I went to Grief Counseling, where I sat & cried. It was very helpful & wet kleenex was the norm there.

I'm no expert, but, IMO, please don't worry about whether you're "self-pitying".  Just feel what you feel.  IMO, best to feel it & get it out now, so that you don't suppress those "self-pitying" feelings & wind up holding them in for years & years.

I too had those 180 degree turns, when the harsh reality hit.  It's a new life & a new reality.  Give yourself time.  Try to be kind to yourself.  Take as many "days off" & "me" days as you need.  IME, you will figure out the new "you" over a period of time.  

Re: clearing out the "stuff", I like the idea of a truck too.  The truck will disappear the "stuff" fast(er) & then you'll have your space.  You get to call the shots now, so if this is what you want, go for it.

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Ann. Your posts are always like beacon cutting through the fog. Right to the point. I like that.

I guess it's easy to expect too much from myself. After all the years spent working through a bunch of "old" grief, I think I should be an expert by now. LOL. There are just so many ways we can be unfair to ourselves.

Maybe I'll start a new thread; about the process of reinvention. A looking forward, dreaming, defining... exercise.

[Hopalong]

Big truck. Oh YES.

He is not in his stuff. You could keep just three, or six, or ten things.
It is enough.

What a massive relief. Or if it works, hire those professional estate people...they'll have it sorted/tidied/sold before you know it.

Thank you, dear, for the reminder not to wait years to live one's life.
My T said the same to me today ... I am running out of time.

Have been so STUCK in the quotidian and my escapism. I do want to move forward.

Your forced necessity to do that, and sharing it here...has really helped.

So even in your grief you've inadvertently helped a friend. Funny how that happens.

love to you, and much comfort,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Hops.
We DO have to go on living; it's something his Mom used to tell me; something he believed too.

So, I choose to see this as a windfall opportunity to intentionally design a life for me. Some of the stuff I've talked about here before will come back up - my skills, how I want to spend my time and where. It'll be some months before I'll be free to decide and execute any plans. So that should be enough time to spin the compass, throw the darts, and explore my "druthers".

No matter what - I don't have a comfort zone right now. But, I also know it's going to be necessary to take some risks. More than I would normally consider. No risks; no growth. Hubs enabled a "safe" life for me... and it was centered on him. Neither of us ventured too far outside that safe zone. Feels pretty vulnerable - exposed. But I don't get to pick the feelings right now.