Holiday Wars Starting

[sunblue]

Greetings Everyone:

Just when I think I'm getting to a place of acceptance, something happens to change that.  Holidays are always really difficult in my N family.  I have an N mother who spends most of the Christmas holiday with my N sister but who deigns to spend Christmas Eve with me and my brother and his family.  My brother has all but walked away from my mom and me and basically exercises low contact throughout the year.  While I have never done anything to him, he has all but told me he long ago "adopted" his wife's extended family for whom he will do anything.  While my N family has always had lots of problems to wade through, the one tradition we held onto was doing Christmas "big".  Beginning in childhood, I was always the one who focused on making Christmas a big event.  I tend to be very generous and I always made a big deal of the gift giving which I very much enjoy and plan for.  Everyone in my family knows this is "my thing".  To their credit, my N mom and co-dependent dad (now passed) always made gift giving a big part of Christmas.  I guess my feeling has always been that gift giving is a way to express affection for loved ones and choosing nice presents is an acknowledgement that we care about and really know these family members.

Anyway, this week my brother dropped his email bomb on me.  He has done similar things before where he basically disrespects me.  In this email, he says he and his wife have been talking about the holidays and they have decided that they are changing the gift giving process this year and that we are all to supply a list of 1-3 items and rather than my generous gift giving practices, I am to supply my own list and gift others only 1-3 gifts.  He gives this ridiculous explanation of how I can donate to charities or gift members of his wife's extended family (who invite me to spend Christmas Day with since I have nowhere else to go), etc.

Naturally, I was extremely angry and hurt.  He acknowledged that he knows generous gift gifting is important to me but essentially "too bad, so sad".  It's hurtful to me because not only did he make this unilateral change and not even discuss it with me, just expecting to go along and that he ignored my wishes or needs....but because it's just another indication he can't be bothered to think of gift ideas for his "two" biological family members.

I know this all sounds silly.  It's really not about the presents.  It's about his dictatorial attitude, his disrespect for him, his blatant behavior demonstrating once again that he cares nothing about his biological family.  In the email, he goes on and on about all the details about Thanksgiving and Christmas Day (hosted by his wife's extended family and my brother himself on Xmas and how great it will be to see all of his wife's extended family)......as if I, too, should be looking forward to this and valuing this.

I sent him emails back saying I completely disagree with his "plan", that I never expected him to purchase lots of presents for me, that I never gift someone with the expectation of receiving something in return and that this is really hurtful.  He responds angrily saying I have no right to feel hurt and that his plan just makes sense (because of course he doesn't want to be bothered).

I have already decided I won't be attending Thanksgiving hosted by his wife's extended family or Christmas Day hosted by my brother...but now I don't know what to do about Christmas Eve, the one holiday a year which my N mom and I attend with him and his family.  Basically, in my mind, he has destroyed the holiday and I'm not even sure how I can continue to have even a low contact relationship with him anymore.  I mean, isn't he basically saying that he thinks so little of my mom and I that he can't even be bothered? 

Since my last email to him there has been no further communication.  I know he is angry since he thinks I should just go along with whatever he says.  I've come to learn that although I don't believe he is N like my mom and sister, he is extremely controlling.  He is used to making every decision in his own family and treats me as if I am his child who should just go along with whatever he wants...regardless of my own wishes and needs.

The other thing is that he went beyond my back to talk to my mom about this.  Now my mom loves to shop...and enjoys the gift giving part too...but ultimately she doesn't care enough about me or him and will just go along with him.  All she cares about is my N sister who she spends most of the holiday with.

Can anyone offer me any advice?  I know this may sound stupid to others......Of course, this is part of a much bigger issue---which is that he has willingly abandoned his biological family.  He was not there when my dad was sick and we needed help.  He has even told me that when the time comes that my mom passes, he won't help at all in resolving the house (getting it ready for sale, etc.) because he won't put himself or his family in a position of having to deal with my N sister.  He also said he has already contacted a lawyer so that when she passes the lawyer will represent him   regarding the will (my mom has made my N sister executor of everything).  Basically, he let me know that I am entirely on my own.

At my core, I guess, I still have a hard time accepting this is who my brother turned into.  It's bad enough I have to content with an extreme N mother and N sister, a co-dependent dad who I loved very much who is now gone and no family or friends of my own, but now I have to deal with this slap in the face yet again.

I apologize for the rant.  But any advice of how I might handle this would be helpful.  Do I attend the Xmas Eve celebration with him and just go along with what he wants....do I boycott it or do I just stick to my guns and say everyone just does what they want?

Thanks!

[Hopalong]

Sunblue, I wish I could help, but I am truly useless for this one.

I have taken a metaphysical/mental sledgehammer to the holidays (of all sorts--anything where families have expectations of each other) ... I no longer have family. So for me, after quite a few years of feeling sad at every holiday trigger ... it's slowly passing into something I can view from a bit more of a distance.

I don't WANT Christmas any more. It's way too painful. I hunker down and grit my teeth and wait for it to be over. I do have a warm Thanksgiving with friends. But I avoid the rest of it.

I haven't gotten a Christmas or birthday gift from family in years now (though a couple times I've been treated to a birthday meal by friends). I don't feel pitiful about it any more. I just don't want to give ONE MORE IOTA of my precious life energy or happiness-capacity to the freakin' HUMAN HOLIDAYS...

....Which I've almost come to believe are not for people on their own. They're lovely in ways, I adore the sacred music and one candle lit and trying to remember what it's all really about. Peace on Earth. The Child in All. Other than that, I'm long done with it all.

I'm sorry you're going through the loss of what you want from family versus what is. I know how hard that can be.

Hops

[Meh]

Holidays are meant to be religious or time together or celebrating. Since they don't seem to get or appreciate your efforts why not just send them dumb cards and take yourself to the spa...

Honestly on Thanksgiving and Christmas I will probably be watching Netflix by myself. Not that it's desirable. I don't really have any family or friends, it's probably where a lot of people find themselves. You are not alone. 

It doesn't sound like you are going to make any amends or repairs with him. Do whatever you want, I personally think you should just pamper yourself because when your family has moved on and busied themselves with their re-marriages or whatever, there isn't much you can really do. They have carved out their lives and their independence.

Well it's my opinion.

As much as you don't like the idea of donating to charity/church at least you know those people otherwise might receive nothing at all. They probably really enjoy getting some sort of gift. It's dumb but when I had nothing someone gave me a little bag of mary kay make up and I really liked the lipstick they gave me.

So yeah that is my opinion, buy yourself fancy chocolate, fancy alcohol, go to a spa and then go home and watch movies and get drunk.

The less I think about it the better it is well sort of. I mean there is like a gap of loneliness that relatives don't fill.

Maybe distractions are the key, exercise, entertainment and some personal extravagance.

Christmas is something like 65 days away still. I don't look forward to it and not having anything to look forward to I guess makes me feel sad if I think about it too much.

[sunblue]

Thank you Hopalong and Garbanzo.  I know there is no good answer to this situation as it's all about being hurt by a sibling who ultimately cares nothing about me, who disrespects me and is focused only on his own needs or that of his "real family"---his wife and daughter and his wife's extended family.

By the way, I do generously give to charities during the holiday season.....but despite what my brother suggests, one has nothing to do with another.  I have always been a great gift giver because I tend to think of others first and want to make them feel special on the holiday.  While I never have expected anything in return....I just find joy in giving and planning for the gift giving.....is it incredibly hurtful to me that my only brother feels so "burdened" by having to buy a Christmas gift for his mother and sister that he needs to dictate changes in our decades-long family tradition.

And because this is not really about the gifts, but rather the total lack of value and affection my brother has for me and my mother, I feel like he really has destroyed Christmas for me now for good.  How can I just "go with the flow" and then attend his holiday gathering surrounded by his wife's extended family when I know he has no respect for me and no interest in investing any time or effort in me?

Ultimately, what he has done now has altered any hope of having a relationship with him.  I am alone while neither my mom and my brother are not.  In past years when the dysfunction kept me from being with what little family I have left, I found things to occupy me on the holiday like going to a movie.  However, as I am also currently unemployed and living with my N mom, I am kind of stuck since the Christmas Eve celebration (and I use that term lightly since it is literally only the 5 of us) will be at my mom's house.

When my loving dad was alive, he always so appreciated all my efforts in making the holiday special.  Of course, that is all gone now.  I guess I'm just having trouble accepting that this is really the end....and that I have no family whatsoever.

Thanks for listening.

[Meh]

  It sucks

[sKePTiKal]

Well, since I learned to give up EXPECTING anything different from my family, than what they are (no matter the pain that causes me) things are easier. Sounds like, you've built this Christmas tradition as a life-line to the kind of the family you wish you had.

That sounds hard & cold, but there it is.   

I'm at the age (and circumstances) where my kids are expecting me to come visit them, instead of the other way around. And their SO's extended "family" too. So, I'm tossing that around in my head trying to decide what my resistance to that idea is. Driving in weather? Driving at all? Being in a city again? What??? And when it comes right down to it, what it is - is I'm used to the way things HAVE BEEN; it's comfortable (for me) and to contemplate doing anything different than that means I have to change my expectations... give up a little of what I want to try something different & new... because it obviously means something important to the family members I want to be with.

Christmas was a big deal in my family too. And we used to go overboard - I'd work a 40 hr week and still burn the midnight oil to bake ungodly amounts of cookies and treats, shop, wrap presents, decorate, etc. But the past few years, I've been simplifying a lot of that - it was just too much work, that I really only felt OBLIGATED to carry through on; I didn't really enjoy it anymore.

Just this morning, I made a decision about 2 holiday bears I've not packed yet (I'm moving). One is a Santa, and the other is a simple white bear in a hat & scarf. I'm donating Santa and keeping the Holly-day bear. There are so many traditions around Christmas... and lately, I've decided I don't like the "commercial version" nearly as much. Everyone has too much "stuff" already. I like the really old druidic, norse & germanic traditions... the Catholic midnight mass on Christmas Eve... the light in the darkness symbolism.

Small, thoughtful gifts tailored to a kindness to the recipient. A remembrance of them and expression of my gratitude. Or simply one gift in the case of the kiddos... who have multiple sets of grandparents and get inundated as it is. (And perhaps a donation to their college fund) Too much "stuff" gets in the way of simply being together, I find.

[sunblue]

Hi Skeptikal. Thank you for your response and sharing your own family experiences as it pertains to the holidays.  I get what you're saying about simplifying the holidays and holding onto old traditions.  My brother is definitely of the "simplifying" mind. My guess is if it were up to him, there would be no gift exchange.  He's never valued the practice.  Unfortunately, what he values the most is spending time with his wife's extended family and a tradition he started when my niece was born many years ago of taking a "special guest" to a Christmas lunch at a well-known city location.  In other words, he values nothing to do with his very limited biological family (my N Mom and I).  That is what is bothering me the most.  By disrespecting me by not discussing this suggestion and by essentially inferring he can't be bothered with spending any time thinking about what might be an appropriate present for my Mom and I, he is throwing in my face again how little he regards us...and how much he regards his "adopted" wife's family.  That is what is hurtful.

As for the Christmas practices of shopping, wrapping, decorating, etc.----I guess is I am one of those truly weird people who have always enjoyed it.  It has always been "my thing".  When my dad was alive, he truly appreciated all my efforts.  No one does now I guess except me.  But still Christmas gift giving is probably one of the only few traditions left in my biological family so I would like to hold onto it.  I don't expect him to duplicate it...or even buy me anything...I just don't think he should try to impose his desires on me.

So like you, I am trying to figure out what to do this holiday.  Even if I went along with his proposal which essentially takes away my traditions and joy, I can't get away from the fact that the reason for the change in "gift giving rules" is not because he can't afford it, not because we have such a "huge" family (only 2 of us) Christmas gift giving is out of hand....but rather that he simply doesn't want to, doesn't want to invest any effort in his biological family.  Knowing that, isn't everything just pretending?  It is a clear indication that there is no love, no affection, no care at all for us...bur rather is reserved only for his extended family.  In fact, he went on and on in the email about how excited he is (and I should be) that additional extended members of his wife's family will be in town for their Thanksgiving and Christmas Day celebration.  Double knife in the gut!!

I think that if I had someone else in my life, it might be more tolerable...but I'm alone.  My N mom has her N daughter (they are two N peas in an N pod!).  My brother, of course, has his wife, daughter and his wife's entire extended family, not to mention friends and neighbors.  He has no problem being very generous with his wife, daughter and wife's family.  For them, he has all the time, energy and money in the world.

I continue to really miss my dad who was such a sweet (albeit co-dependent) soul and had a true heart.  He appreciate all that I did and I loved doing it.

Oh well, just venting a bit.  Sorry.  When you were raised in an N family, there's nothing worse than the dysfunction of Christmas holidays!  And for me, it's starting extra early this year!

Thanks. 

Sunblue

[Twoapenny]

I do feel for you, Sunblue.  I think what I've noticed about our family is that we all deal with what we went through as kids in different ways.  It sounds like you and your brother have developed different ways of coping and things like Christmas invariably mean either someone has to sacrifice their way of doing things, or people do what they want separately.  And I think you're right, being alone makes that time of year much harder, if you had other people in your life you wouldn't feel the situation so acutely, I think (and I say that as someone who is usually very, very alone so I know how hard it is not to notice the aloneness at that time of year).

Personally I've found different ways of coping with Christmas each year and I've got to the point now where it doesn't bother me too much; I tend to just shut the door and wait until it's over.  Which doesn't help you much, I know, but just to try and make the point that I think each year for me has been another turning point in healing, or getting on with life, depending on which way you want to look at it.

I'm also trying more now to focus on building up a fuller life for myself so that I don't feel the aloneness so much.  Getting there slowly but it is hard going at times.

Anyway - no concrete advice really or useful solutions, just want you to know that I think an awful lot of people find Christmas a difficult time of year for many reasons and you know that others on here particularly will have been through similar so understand.  Thinking of you and hoping that things get a bit easier.

Twoapenny

[sunblue]

Thank you so much TwoaPenny.  I agree that it's about acceptance and trying to forge a life that cannot include biological family but perhaps others that might bring some joy to your life.  The sadness emanates from the rejection and abandonment but, at the end of the day, there's nothing we can do to change that. All we can do is move towards acceptance and nurture ourselves as best we can.

You always post such thoughtful insights. Thank you for sharing your experience. 

[Twoapenny]

Thank you so much TwoaPenny.  I agree that it's about acceptance and trying to forge a life that cannot include biological family but perhaps others that might bring some joy to your life.  The sadness emanates from the rejection and abandonment but, at the end of the day, there's nothing we can do to change that. All we can do is move towards acceptance and nurture ourselves as best we can.

I still struggle with rejection and that feeling of abandonment is very strong and difficult to deal with.  I think with me I kept hoping 'someone' would want me so each time they didn't the feeling got bigger.  It is very hard to cope with.  Now I've got to the point where I don't really hope any more and I'm not sure if that's better or worse to be honest!  I think nurturing yourself is a very good idea.  Will you buy yourself a lovely present whilst you're out buying everyone else's?