My Stepdaughter the Narcissist

[bean2]

LOL hops,

let's see I'm already doing 1, 2, 3, 4 and 7 which I believe are genious.  LOL.  If I had a friend to call i would call one! 

I also found relief in knowing we are continuing No Contact with the BPD'd/NPD'd younger daughter.
no contact.  It is the space I need to reflect, stretch my mind and heart and learn the value of the present moment.

No contact, at least for the time-being.  Allows me to get off the Karpman drama triangle train I am unwittingly on (i fear I may be the conductor, in the rescuer role of course).  I need to move to center.

Just admitting all this makes me feel better, like I'm just human.


Thanks for listening hops.  nite nite

bean

[Twoapenny]

((((((((((((((((((Bean))))))))))))))))))))

Something that I found helped me a lot with my 'little girl' stuff was doing things with my son that no-one had done with me - reading stories, snuggling up, doing finger painting, craft, jigsaw puzzles, sprinkling glitter over everything, baking, you know the kind of activities.  I didn't do them with my son because I thought it would help me, I just noticed how much I enjoyed doing it and having a young child gave me an easy excuse   I don't think you need a young child to do it?  Maybe you could try just having a kid's afternoon at some point and doing the kind of things you'd have liked someone to do with you when you were little, whatever they may have been?  For a long time it did kind of tear me up, I have to say - I'd see someone doing something loving with their child, particularly if it was a dad just doing something kind and having fun, and I'd feel so left out of that.  But over time something did heal inside and I think it was doing that little kid stuff with my boy.  And now I just do it, I kick leaves and make sandcastles at the beach; he kind of raises his eyebrows at me these days   But maybe you could try just doing some stuff that you'd have liked when you were little and see how it feels to practise being a little girl, but one that's safe now and who can just be herself? xx

[bean2]

Hmmm that is an excellent idea Twoapenny.  thank you for suggesting it.

i will go kick some cacti...wait, maybe not a great idea   ha ha


I guess every cloud has a silver lining...because something that I did that was sort of miraculous (to me anyway), I asked my husband to go talk to his daugther, and specifically to defend me.  I pushed too, which is so not like me to be assertive and ask for a need.  He did it too.  I told him this morning that my great fear, first was the ask, and then in the letting go of the outcome (would he really do it?) and then when he did and told me her reaction, and that he reinforced it (because she had attitude and tried to change his mind)...also, he said it was the first topic of conversation with his daughter, he point blank addressed it with her and said that I did nothing wrong, I literally felt my little girl self back. I was small and had tiny hands and was wearing little Keds and I could feel an adult presence surrounding me, enveloping me, and making me feel safe.  I said to him "thank you for doing that, because you didn't even know I had this tremendous fear, and after you did that, I realized no one ever did this for me before, no adult when I needed them to."  I said "no one ever stuck up for me."

The tears just turned on then, like a faucet then, and he held me and that was a moment for us.

I do truly think that another person can help you heal, not that it's their job, but so much validation that I never got and he he can do that for me....and now I want to try to find an opportunity to do the same for him.

While this year has been incredibly difficult, and I have been in a huge amount of pain, we are closer than ever, so I am thankful for that.

Just trying to think of the positive here.

bean

[Hopalong]

Oh that's a BEAUTIFUL moment in marriage, Bean.

Thank you so much for sharing it.
I'm so happy for you and your husband for this Real Intimacy.

Wow.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Amazing posts Bean, Hops and Tupp. 

Be so very kind and protective of young Bean.  You're her wise advocate now, Bean.  Let her know you'll take care of her from now on.

Look what you did with your husband!  You thought of that.  You asked for that protection: )

You advocated for young Bean....and it happened.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

That brought a tear to my eye, Bean.  I so resonated with you saying 'no-one stuck up for me'.  That has been a huge thing for me in my adult life, that feeling that I didn't matter enough?  I'm guessing that's similar for you?  I'm so glad that your hubby was able to do that, and that you were able to ask him to.  What a great moment.  And maybe his D (two daughters?  I can't remember if you were having problems with one or both?) will start seeing this kind of constructive, useful behaviour modeled in you two and think about her own way of dealing with things (maybe - maybe not but I'm looking for positives as well lol).  Well done Bean and Mr Bean xx