Reconciling the past

[Lily_]

Hey all,

As I've mentioned here before, coming to terms with both my parents being Ns is a relatively new thing for me.  It's been really difficult at times, especially since I feel a bit shell-shocked with the onslaught of memories that popup every so often.

What's really surprised me is that what I believed to be true about my childhood and what I now remember is so utterly different.  I can't seem to reconcile the past and I'm floored that I believed everything to have been "okay".  It's not that I supressed certain memories, it's that I remembered them (until now) in a different light.  I don't know if I'm making sense here.  For instance, I've always believed that I was spoiled as a kid - that I had tons of toys and got everything I wanted.  Now that I think about it, I was far from spoiled - I had just a few toys, it was never what I wanted, just random crappy stuff they bought for me.  Now I've realized it was my dad who constantly said that about me, so he could shut me up from asking for anything.  Not a big deal overall, but very much an "a-ha" moment.

Same thing goes with being labelled a problem child by them, or remembering how sad every Thanksgiving actually was...and on and on - the floodgates have opened and I'm pouring over every memory and event I can think of.  In every instance I'm realizing that I was so completely manipulated, lied to and made to hate myself - and it's left me feeling so deeply deeply betrayed.

Thanks for reading,
Lily

[Hopalong]

I am so sorry, lovely Lily.

come bloom with us.

Hopalong

[pennyplant]

Hi (((((Lily)))))

This really is difficult stuff.  And it is a big deal to be lied to by your parents.  Lied to about your very nature.  Parents are the first people a child can trust and I think this trust comes naturally at first.  I sure didn't know just how wrong my parents were about most things they taught me.  With no frame of reference, or way to compare,  how would it occur to a child, in the beginning, to doubt their parents?

One painful insight after another is really hard on the heart.  I hope you can find a way to make it less overwhelming for you.  Just know, though, that you did a really good job with what they gave you to work with.  You are brave enough to look at this stuff.  Tough enough to face it and take it on.  It sounds like they couldn't wreck the real you.

I hope that you find this message board as helpful as so many of us do.

Just keep going, Lily.

Pennyplant

[Certain Hope]

Dear Lily,

 Nobody sets up a brainwashing sort of environment like N does. You are secure now to examine the past and your views, your beliefs about it, free and clear of the lies. You are not an empty shell. You have the truth and the conviction, determination to stand on that, despite the apparent shakiness of the ground beneath you. The thing is, it's N's ground which is quaking, and you don't stand on that parcel of land anymore.

  At times, it feels as though there will be nothing left when all of the illusions are dispersed. That's the fundamental lie. You have great value and worth, neither of which will be found in the rubble. They've been yours all along, by design. Clearing away the debris will allow you to see who you really are. You are not an empty shell and no N can define you.

Hugs,
Hope

[Gaining Strength]

Lily

What's really surprised me is that what I believed to be true about my childhood and what I now remember is so utterly different.

Lily this is one of the most perplexing aspects of growing up with N parents.  My mother and I were actually talking about this last night. 
It makes it difficult to get a grasp on things for me.  I truly thought I had a very special childhood and now I see it as abusive.  How do you justify
that?  Well we really have to and we have to trust our concepts and that's what this place really helps with. 

I have slipped into a dark cave of anxiety which I think could be an expression of the unbearable anxiousness created by my father but which I did not dare
feel as a child.  He used to ask questions that could not be answered and yet he demanded answers and the right answers which only he was privy to. 
It was terifying and yet my mother agrees that none of us knew then how dreadfully terrified we were.  How can that be?  I have no idea, I only know that I am completely rendered functionless by anxiety now.  That's a big price to pay.  Thanks for sharing - GS

[Portia]

Lily, you make perfect sense.

No such thing as a problem child. I used to be one too and it was all lies. Problem parents.

Please keep posting as you want to, memories if you want to, venting if it would help, anything to get it out and in the real world - which is here!

(((((((((((((((((Lily)))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

GS,
Have you read When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron?

Hope you will, I think it might help you.

I am so sorry your father lives on in your body.
I hope you will shove him out soon.

(((((((GS)))))))

Hops

[moonlight52]

LILY WELCOME ,

Such a lovely name and pretty flower.I knew as a child the abuse was bad .But yet I thought I was so bad that's why it happened.

THERE WAS ALSO BEAUTY IN MY CHILDHOOD WHEN I WAS OUTSIDE IN NATURE. I LOOK BACK AND SEE THE BAD AND THE GOOD.

The journey will get easier.

moon

[Lily_]

Thank you to everyone for reading - and big hugs to Hops, Pennyplant, Teartracks, Hope, Gaining Strength, Portia & Moon for your kind words.  It means so much for me to have found such a wonderful group here.

This might be a question for another thread, but since realizing that my parents are Ns, I'm now dealing with boundary setting issues.  I've been the compliant child my whole life and now the moment I suspect someone is trying to take advantage of me I'm ready to cut them out completely.  Have any of you dealt with that in the recovery process?

For instance, in my career I split my time working from home, the office and traveling for my job.  Long hours, but I'm doing exactly what I love.  Until recently, I used to have a pretty good relationship with my MIL, until I told her that I could no longer help her with her search for a new home (they've been looking to retire overseas and I've been handling the internet searches for over a year).  Basically I'd spend an hour to two hours a day searching for their home and would send her the links.  I did this at first thinking it would take only a month or so and I was happy to help.  But things started to pile up with her - she wanted to talk everyday about what I sent her, and then gossip about family - taking time I just didn't have.  On top of that she wanted to meet myself and my DH (her son) almost every weekend for dinner.  Hubby and I set up boundaries until I finally decided that I couldn't devote any more time to her house hunting (this happened around the same time I realized my Nfamily dynamic) - especially since she doesn't work and has her own computer and internet at home, and I ended up getting a promotion and a much heavier workload.  I told her upfront that I was giving the responsibility of searching back to her and set up the links and whatnot on her system.  It wasn't hostile or anything, and she said she agreed that I had spent too much time already.

Two days later she had this mini-crisis, and sent me a rambling email saying "Please don't abandon me!" and went on to say that I was her best friend and she doesn't know why I'm doing this to her.  She continued, saying that since I've already dedicated this much time so far, I clearly have the time to help her.  That burned me right up.  Five minutes after that email I started getting instant messages asking for help with this website and that website, since they weren't "working".  My DH jumped in and said he would handle her and to ignore her (she wants to talk to me but he's a computer engineer - lol).

Anyways, in the end I've walked away from my relationship with her.  She nows says she overreacted and sent me an email apologizing for everything, but since dealing with my own emotions over my parents, I'm just not prepared to have any sort of friendship with her.  I'll reply to the occasional email she sends, but that's pretty much it.  DH has no issue with me doing this, and just wants me to do what I feel is best.

Part of me wonders if I've made a mistake in setting up these big no contact boundaries with her, and maybe my anger with my parents is spilling over in a wrong way.  I just don't want her to weasel her way back in.  Not that I know for certain that she would or wouldn't - I'm just not allowing the possibility of it, which is the crux of the situation.

Again, thanks so much for reading.

Hugs,
Lily

[Plucky]

Hi Lily, and welcome here.
I understand about the vanishing happy childhood.  It happened to me too!
And it also primed you for the clutches of your mil.  What are you asking permission for?  Allow me to cut and paste some Q&A from your post.  I have taken some liberties:

Q: I've been the compliant child my whole life and now the moment I suspect someone is trying to take advantage of me I'm ready to cut them out completely.  Is that ok?

A: Well, since dealing with my own emotions over my parents, I'm just not prepared to have any sort of friendship with her.  I'm going to honour my own feelings on this.

Q: Part of me wonders if I've made a mistake in setting up these big no contact boundaries with her.  Do you think so?

A: Well, after I explained that I had gotten a promotion and all, she agreed that I had spent too much time already....but two days later she sent me a rambling email saying "Please don't abandon me!" and went on to say that I was her best friend and she doesn't know why I'm doing this to her.  She continued, saying that since I've already dedicated this much time so far, I clearly have the time to help her.  That burned me right up.  Five minutes after that email I started getting instant messages asking for help with this website and that website, since they weren't "working".  My DH jumped in and said he would handle her and to ignore her (she wants to talk to me but he's a computer engineer - lol).  So I guess if I hadn't set up those boundaries, I'd be well into my second year of servitude!

Q: I just don't want her to weasel her way back in.  Not that I know for certain that she would or wouldn't.  What do you think?

A:  Let's see.....I remember that until recently, I used to have a pretty good relationship with my MIL, until I told her that I could no longer help her with her search for a new home (I've been handling the internet searches for over a year).  I know she wants me to continue, even though she can do it herself or ask her very own son....weasel, weasel, weasel.

I would go on but I'm too lazy.    Hope my post is not too wierd for you!   Just having a little fun.  You sound like you already know what to do and your H is supporting it.  You go girl!
Plucky 

[Portia]

Hi Lily

Part of me wonders if I've made a mistake in setting up these big no contact boundaries with her, and maybe my anger with my parents is spilling over in a wrong way. 

Do you feel angry with her? No problem if you do. Feelings are free and fine!

Do you think you've shown your anger to her, directed it at her? (it doesn't sound like it to me)

What other feelings do you have about the whole thing (e.g. how your H handles her, how he lets you know you're okay in what you do etc). Any little guilt-bits niggling away? Are they realistic for the situation?

Keep posting if you want to.

[penelope]

hi lily,

welcome.

I do not think you're 'wrong' or 'bad' for wanting what you want.  But, that's it, its the judgement you fear most, correct?  From N parents, we've received this constant inner critic (internalized or introjected N voice) that makes judgements when there is no need!

Seriously.  Not everything is right/wrong, good/bad, some things just Are.

You know what you want.  Try to have things your way and just enjoy them.

It's tough, I know.

hugs,
bean