(((((Dandylife)))))
It is so good to hear from you!! I hope the move is all done and all went well (as well as can be expected with an H accusing you of all sorts of nefarious activities instead of packing
)
Were they big drinkers or were they somehow impaired? It just sounds so freaking NOT thinking. This is not how responsible parents act.
Got a chuckle out of the somehow impaired part (dark humor) - I am beginning to realize the full extent of their impairment - and they were
really, really impaired. Both drank a lot but alcohol wasn't a factor when this went on.
I just wonder if shown that videotape of the past, would they defend their own actions - or would they be ashamed?
Nope – been there, done that (not a videotape more discussions of the past). They would always defend their actions to the death and never, ever an apology, and definitely no shame on their part.
In this case, I was told it was my fault because I could fight with words – he couldn’t keep up verbally – so he had to hit me. This is the part that is really starting to bother me more and more. This just excused his bad behavior. Excuse after excuse after excuse. Had I hit him with a stick – I would have been severely punished (no excuses allowed for me – in my case it was had to beat the devil out of that child.)
I bet that would have felt good to yell it, scream it as loud as possible when it was happening. But you probably kept it inside as the abuse happened. Right?
I did. For years upon years upon years. I snapped a few times as a child but the punishment for that was pretty severe so learned never to do it again. I snapped again in my 20's. My mother lied to my father about something and he started in on me - I asked him to please leave me alone. That was all it took. He clenched his fists and started coming towards me - eyes narrowed slits of rage, face purple, pulling his arm back to hit me. I completely, insanely lost it. I got right in his face, finger pointing, and screamed – go ahead, go ahead you crazy f***. How about right here (pointing at my chin), I can tell you want to hit me, go ahead, but you better kill me this time, because if you lay one finger on me ever again I will call the cops and have you’re a** thrown in jail. Shockingly – he backed down (now anyone out their reading this – I would NOT recommend taking this kind of action with a violent person). I was at that point where I had had enough and I wanted it over, one way or the other. I was at that point where I would rather be dead than live for one more minute with his physical violence a threat over my head. I think he realized that I was at the point of no return and would call the cops in a heartbeat.
And yes, it felt really good!Sad thing is, he never raised a hand to me again, but the fear that he would never went away. He had no impulse control at all.
Thank you also for the following…you are sooo right about the learning to express the anger appropriately and awakening to the realization that I do have the power to say never again. I need to work through my fear of anger – and part of that is realizing that I am not that little girl anymore.
You deserve to be angry. You have a lot to be angry about. Loving folks don't hit each other with sticks, humiliate each other and force them to be violent and out of control. You kept your dignity through it all and that's alot. I would say that the only thing you need to do is learn to express your anger appropriately to the appropriate individuals as it's happening and you will have less bad dreams!
Remember, this happened to you as a child and you had no resources to help you through it. Now you have your kind, wise, protective, loving adult self to say NO WAY will these FU*&#ERS ever do this to me AGAIN!!!!!!!
((((((Much love to you Dandylife)))))
Peace
