Don't know who to trust right now

[Nonameanymore]

Hi All,

I am going through some tough s**t since mid december. I am really at the end of my tether.
There is a lot of confusion and insincerity in my life right now. There is a very bad climate at work, since someone returned from maternity leave after 5 months of peace and calm and she has followed the 'diviide and conquer' motto. I have heard from others saying that they don't know where to place their trust either. I don't think I had this experience before in my life - except of course when I was living with NM and I clearly couldn't trust her. But there were lots of people around who I trusted and who trusted me. Maybe I am not to be trusted right now either because trying to protect myself from this woman, I have seeked some sort of stupid revenge, something I don't think I've done before (there is always the first time for everything right?). I can't live in suspicion like this. I hope to at least be able to change jobs as soon because I am really messed up - for lack of better word.
Sorry if this doesn't make any sense - I realised I started the thread on the inner compass that confused some of you but I am not really avoiding to talk clearly, these are just thoughts and because I feel the way I do, I am not really sure of anything right now.

Thanks for reading
P.

[Worn]

(((((((Persephone)))))))

The workplace is such a confusing mess for me too.  People playing games when all I want to do is get some freakin' work done.  I hope things get better for you.  Worn

[swimmer]

Hi P-

I know all too well about this, so you are not alone.  It's very difficult to not take on one of the roles of the dysfunctional workplace, so don't blame yourself.  Often people are assigned roles without even knowing it, especially if your not into gossip.   

Hang in there, I have no golden advice.  I'm there too in a job now.... I'm just focusing on tasks, and waiting for the truth to surface someday.  For several reasons I'm not able to switch jobs now.  In the grand scheme of things I'm trying to practice faith, a long lifelong lesson with no immediate rewards, and forgive myself for not being perfect.

[Portia]

Hi P
trust yourself, if you did something you don't like, put it 'right' in a way which suits you. Also sometimes the end can justify the means. Sometimes we have to do things that achieve an objective,even though the means may be against our basic nature (I'd sometimes kill to protect my family etc).  You have to trust you.  x

[Nonameanymore]

Thanks Swimmer. I trust that the truth will eventually be revealed too. Going about my business would be my best bet.
Thanks Portia. I really wish I hadn't been involved in the gossip in the first place.
You know what I really miss? I used to be a doormat, but I was a happy doormat. How can that be?
Honestly, I wish there was a way I could lead a simple life, trusting in God, the Universe etc, that things will turn out well. I used to believe this and they did. Now I lost all faith, and they don't. How could I possibly go back to who I was? Why did I change?
I don't like the new me. I really don't.

[Twoapenny]

P, you know those times when you start some sort of major clear out at home - the garage or the attic or the spare room or some place full of loads of old junk that doesn't get used very often?  You know how you get to that point with it where you wish you hadn't started - everything's out all over the place, you can't decide what to keep and what to chuck, you can't figure out where to put back the stuff you do want, it's all taking loads longer than you thought it would and it's just a complete mess?  And then slowly it clears, somehow it works out and you get to the other side and finish the job?  I think that life is like that sometimes.  I've had points in my life where I have messed up soooooo completely that there really was little else I could screw up.  I remember one time I'd been away for a few days and I drove home really wishing that when I got back I'd found the house had been burnt to the ground, because starting completely fresh with a cheque from the insurance company felt so much easier than having to deal with all my mess.

It's so tough, but it does clear eventually.  I think one of the hardest things when you stop being a doormat is that you start to realise you are surrounded by arse-holes and you have to start making a whole new circle of contacts who will treat you well.  It's hard starting over, at any time in your life, but it does clear in the end.  I've made some really good friends now, and I've resurrected some friendships that I thought were lost just by being a bit clearer about what I wanted and what I was able to offer.


Keep posting!  We all know what you're going through, so you're not alone.  Hugs to you ((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))

[Nonameanymore]

Thank TAP. The thing is that even if my foundation was burned to the bone, there's no insurance cheque waiting for me because I didn't work towards getting an insurance. I live day-to-day, I think I m the most irresponsible person in the world. Sometimes I feel guilty when I come here to post only once in a while and I see everybody being really here, helping others. It's been ages since I've done something for another human being. I feel like a wild animal. I hardly do the bare minimum for myself or others.
I have lost lots of weight, I can't sleep, I am treating myself very badly. I have no self-respect. And I wonder why people treat me the way the do. I think behind what's going on at work and my personal life (ex is unfortunately working there so I am going through helll for two months now - this woman that returned is his secretary, so you can figure out the scenario)is this. Anyway, I can't seem to be able to pick myself up right now. It's been like that since mid december as I wrote that I am going deeper into the pit. I can't afford therapy. What am I going to do? I don't think I can deal with my problems on my own right now.

I was given a few opportunities the last few months but I behaved really badly. I wish I would have behaved differently. Maybe deep down inside I enjoy self-loathing? If so, it's ridiculous. I am really ashamed. It's not that I didn't have good chances. I did. I just blew them one by one.
If I were ok, nothing would shake me like that. Well, not nothing, but you know, when the inside matches the outsde, very little can shake you.

I am just rumbling....

[Nonameanymore]

I will explain how I feel with an example: last week I took a cab for a short distance. Cabbies in Greece take two people at the time. Anyway, this woman came in after me and the driver was listening to the news on the radio, blaming the new government. So the woman asked him why was he complaining about, then said 'Have YOU done the absolute best you could?'. The driver said no. He immediately stopped talking.
That's how I feel. The only person I think I have done my best in my life is NM. I exhausted everything - time, my patience, my personal resources. I have given everything to a person that didn't deserve it. BUt all those people who come to my life and deserve my energy, love, etc. I do far from mybest. Anyway. This incident with the cab really made me think. And yet a week has passed and I still don't try to do something remotely close to what is my best. How ungrateful I am...

[Portia]

Dear P
You used to to believe that things would be well and they were? Are you really sure they were? Is this like me saying "I prefered denial, that way I could remain numb and half-alive, instead of suffering for the risk of living" ?

So this woman who said 'Have YOU done the absolute best you could?' - haha! Who rattled her cage? Maybe she was just a politician having a bad day. But really. No wonder the cabbie stopped talking,with a put-down conversation-stopper like that. I'd have asked her what job she did. I like cabbies more than politicians.

These people who 'deserve' your love etc....I'm wondering, do they do just fine without it? If so, who's missing out here, you or them? Maybe you do your best - your best at any given moment- for yourself, and that's okay. Who's watching, who's rating you?

I don't understand why you think you're ungrateful.?

[Nonameanymore]

Hey Portia,

Yeah, it doesn't make much sense what I wrote... By deserving love (that sounds so N what I wrote btw!lol) I meant people who were there for me when I returned to Greece in July and unfortunately I was unable to see it and appreciate it. I codependently was a bottomless pit and this is why I call myself ungrateful. I think it has to do sometimes with the fact that I crave love and approval from people I get close to, just because I didn't get it from NM. I never thought I would be going back to such basics again after so much therapy.

It's just that the 4 years just before I left Greece, I had a number of amazing things happening to me that I took for granted, and comparing my life now to then makes me quite sad.

Anyway, I realise that I am going in circles the last few months. I was given a number of opportunities (personal and professional) that I didn't handle very well because I feel a little worst for worn and tired.I guess I lost the will to 'work' and fight because of the illusion I keep having that things were supposed to be better as years go by but because of the masses of unresolved issues in me and what has been piling up all those years abroad, turns out it's the opposite that happens. Commitment phobia, sloppiness to name two. Maybe I am lazy, exactly like NM used to say. Maybe I am plaiin tired of going it alone. Maybe I should enjoy having the power back to make choices for myself instead of resenting the fact that I am responsible for myself.

Something I am struggling with is whether I have changed in a way that makes it difficult for me to just be. I don't know. I don't really think I was in denial. I was more open and risked more. I can't bring myself around to risk anymore.
I took what the woman said as abdicating personal responsibility to do one's best for self and others.

[Nonameanymore]

There's something else that triggered a lot of the old issues for me that I would like to share. I have mentioned that I've written a memoir to be published soon. There is a writer that liked it and helped me find a publisher here. I had the idea to write an article on NMs for a magazine that we both thought it would be a good idea to let people know 'we are coming' to talk about the issues. So I sent this lady a text I found somewhere on the net that describes in detail 24 Nm behaviours. So I told her that I would like to write something like that, a 'clear' text with ways that NMs do things. And so I did. So I started by mentioning the movie Precious and the fact that a lot of people think that this kind of mother is fictitious and doesn't really exist, and spoke about basic NM traits. She told me that the article was 'aggressive' and that I didn't get over the issues (how can I??) and that I should write something a tad softer. I got a little angry. Was I supposed to romanticise NM behaviours? It's easy for someone who has not had to deal with N to say 'soften up, relax, get over it'. That was a month ago.

[Twoapenny]

P, that lady's response to your article is her issue, not yours.  I have to tone done what I really feel toward my mum when I talk to other people about her because I think it's very hard for someone else to 'get' what an N can do to you.  Can you post it on here?  I bet none of us would find it aggressive, because we'd all understand completely what it was all about.

I find that sometimes life is tough and it takes all of my energy to deal with what is under my nose.  There's nothing left for anyone else.  You can't be all things to all people, all of the time.  It's not fair to expect yourself to be.  You have a book coming out - that's a really big deal and a massive success!  Do you think there's a chance you're scared of being successful?  You're very close to becoming a published author now - do you think there's something inside that's saying "you don't deserve good things, lets screw everything else up so that if the book sells well some other part of my life is still crappy"?  I only ask because that's how I've been for years, it's almost like you can't have a good life, it's not allowed.  You're also doing something that you know NM is furious about - is there a part inside you that still doesn't want to displease her, or that longs for a mum that would be really happy about what you are about to achieve right now?  I know those kinds of things still affect me.

I know it doesn't feel like it but you do help by posting, it always raises things for other people that helps them to think through their own stuff, and you've written some really nice replies to me when I've asked questions before.  You always respond to what people write as well, which is always really nice.  Big hugs to you P, I know words don't always help much but we are here and we are thinking of you (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Nonameanymore]

Thanks so much TAP, your reply is really kind and has warmed my heart, honestly. 

The article is in Greek - my whole website is now in Greek except for my poetry. I am not scared of being published - I had minor publishing successes so far - but I am really, really, really scared of NMs lawsuits, so I cannot really enjoy the fact that I will have a book published. Even if I am writing under a pen name and have been calling her NM throughout the book, I am still scared. I posted the article the lady didn't like on my website and I am sure NM saw it (she browses the internet looking for me like crazy) but she can't comment there - she commented on something that I posted on a myspace blog that was utterly humiliating, some lies that I think I have posted here last October.

What you said about pleasing and being a lot of things to a lot of people, I know what you mean and you are absolutely right. But I was thinking last night that I need to learn to be able to sit more still when things around me are going crazy. This darn reactive personality of mine is disastrous. I have been watching DVDs and reading books about not reacting and it's SO HARD for me NOT to react. If I were able to just take a moment every time I am about to blurt out whatever comes in my head, I would have been a happier person.

I did and do reply to your posts because somehow I identify with what you write but most of the time I go through posts - especially lately when I feel so low - and find I have nothing to contribute, and that I am unable to help, have no insight whatsoever because my own life is upside-down right now. What sort of insight could I possibly offer when I see everything as dark as night? And I also don't like to just write  'oh, God, this is a terrible thing that happened to you', although in all honesty, some of the times I post here, all I want is to just talk to people who have been through what I did and understand what I am talking about and have a word of comfort. Maybe that's all it takes... Maybe this is what I will do...

[CB123]

Persephone

You know....when I am in the place that you are in right now, I usually find that I am on the verge of a lot of things falling into place.  There is some truth to the night being darkest before the dawn. 

You may be in a place where you need to "make amends" as they say in 12 step.  Maybe the amends will need to be made to real people, maybe to yourself.  It may seem as though that is a mere symbolic gesture--but whether it is or not, it really does work.  There can be tremendous psychic freedom in doing it.

Do you journal?  I find that journalling, especially the free-writing described in The Artists Way, is very helpful in sorting out all the jumbled painful thoughts like you are having now.  Just write and write and write (20 minutes at a time) and let all of it come out without editing.  Dont lift your pen from the page.  Dont even go back and read it--the act of writing will bring to the surface the things you need to address.  You could even write your way through the first few 12 steps to give you a focus...but maybe only after a few days of true free writing.

Your friend who was critical of your writing was really in a different position than those of us here.  When you are writing something for publication, it is not the same exercise as when you are unburdening yourself to friends, or when you are journalling.  There are other things that become paramount--you are writing for the reader now, not for your own understanding.  Sometimes it takes outside people to help you judge if you have accomplished that.  Sometimes you are not ready yet, to have those tender feelings and struggles put out there for publication.  You can take what this woman says and let it help you decide if you are ready for what is to come: significant critique of your writing. 

It seems to me that there are two things happening simultaneously in your life:  One, you are wading through a lot of your pain, trying to make sense of where it has landed you.  Two, you are writing--for publication--about the wounds that created that pain.  The writing of it, and the anticipation of publication, may be bringing up a lot of stuff that is causing you to be self destructive.  I think it would be very, very valuable to journal what may be happening.  I think that the free-writing exercise would help you examine it more closely. 

Publication should be at the time-table that is best for you.  I think that you have some very valuable things to say to the world that will shed a lot of understanding on the subject of narcissism.  But the world can wait until you are ready to handle everything that comes with publication: your mother's reaction, criticism from both publishers and your readers, the probability that you will have to explain yourself over and over.  Publication will be a significant event in your personal life.  It is tempting to think that publishing will be the final chapter in your journey through your wounds, but in many ways it will be much, much closer to the middle chapter.  It will be the part of the story where the hero steps into the dark woods, uncertain of what she will find there. 

Much good luck to you in this venture, Persephone.  I hope you will stop for a moment to give yourself a chance to take a breath and let all the jumbled emotions that you are feeling settle out and let you look at them.

CB

[Nonameanymore]

Hi CB,
I have the book and actually and use to do the morning pages for many years but a recent belief that whatever I put on paper recycles itself, I have stopped doing it and I am ok with that for the time being. My computer is full of morning and night pages full of hatred, anger, resentment and although I never really go back to reading them, like I am not supposed to anyway, when I look for new creative material and drop an eye to see if it's any worth using there, I don't really like what I read.
You mention that I am on the verge of some breakthrough but I think it was (maybe you?) who kindly made this comment two months ago - I am still on the same spot, maybe even a tad deeper.
The article was by far not written from a 'personal' perspective - I think she didn't like the raw characteristics of Ns. I think it had to do with accepting mental illness in Greece and even if this lady is very well-read and educated and, you would think, open-minded, from our talks I understand that she wants me to portray narcissism a bit romanticised. The article was about a/b/c/d/e characteristics. I think what she found aggressive was that maybe I didn't talk so much about the child's emotional responses but that wasn't the goal anyway, nor anything similar was mentioned in the original article in English. Maybe she dropped an eye at the article and not fully read it, and this is why she was expecting something 'different'. She said that people would not understand, like it had psycho-jargon. Maybe it's jargon for some people to hear that a mother is not really wired to love her own child.

And you are spot-on when you talk about having to explain myself over and over again: another thing that scares me is the fact that after publication and if the book has a minor success, during its publicity I will have to talk, and talk, and talk about the things that happened during my childhood. I have thought over and over again that I wish I could just give someone the book and get it over with - not having to do the whole rrevisiting thing that feels to be excruciatingly painful.

I wish I could disappear somwhere for a week, maybe for a holiday, a house by the beach, some books, music and lots of prayer and meditation....