Me Ranting:
My Truth:
"Our energies and aspirations are now fragmented as adults." (Excerpt from article)
For me personally I think this is a main void/struggle.
I was taking an antidepressant (buproprion), and it did seem to make me more focused in a way, sort of, about daily mundane things. I don't know, maybe the antidepressant just helps with that "anxiety" that is described in the article:
"Worst of all, we gradually became numb to our feelings in order to cope with our anxiety" (Excerpt from article)
That anxiety right there, that pinpointed anxiety described in the article, the anxiety that arises as a consequence of our family of origin.
That anxiety is REAL.
I believe this is why I started asking for antidepressants when I was a teenager.....not that I had an inherent genetic defect that made me depressed as the professionals wanted to tell me. I have needed to say this and explain this for so long.
NOT an amorphous, vague anxiety, an anxiety drifting through the air as doctors would almost have me think, doctors would have me think my anxiety was a magical fog drifting in from no-where. Like a fairybook fog that materializes unicorns and monsters. As if it was all so mysterious. It's simple in some ways isn't it? Not that mysterious. Not mysterious enough that someone who has a Ph D... doesn't get it. The Ph D's go along with what they are taught and they do not question it either because they get their paycheck... they amass a list of diagnosis's and then send that off to the insurance companies and bing back comes their paycheck. It's like the doctors agree to allow part of their thinking include a tooth-fairy explanation of "mental illness".
I'm angry when I think about this. I want to kick those doctors. Kick them out of their bland "content to get their paychecks", write you a prescription world.
When I was a teenager, I didn't need the antidepressant drugs, I needed understanding and I needed someone to care about me. I have needed someone to understand this about me for SO long... that I am not depressed because of my brain or my nucleic acid/DNA.
I have needed to be understood to the point that part of me wants to cry about it.
That nature did not write the directions for me to be depressed. Nature did not intend for me to be depressed.
Doctors should know this. IT is hard having doctors/"authorities" trying to say this to me. It's a medical/drug industry lie.
Take people who are neglected/abused, tell them it is their fault, lie to them and then have them dish out lots of money for the CURE.
Well it wasn't a cure was it...... I mean I have taken antidepressants of varying kinds for so long... and I am not cured or fixed.... It was just on a crutch.. that cost me $140. 00 every time I filled the prescription.
I mean even mistreated/isolated monkeys get depressed for crying out loud!!! ---ITS NORMAL TO GET DEPRESSED UNDER BAD CIRCUMSTANCES!!
I never believed it 100% but I took the antidepressants out of total desperation.
IT was hard....I mean... we could not go to our families for help.....we couldn't really go to our friends for help...some friends DO understand but they were the minority... we couldn't even really go to most healthcare professionals and get real help from them.
I mean what else could a person do besides get stuck and depressed.... We found outlets... to cope... that is part of the reason why I put so much energy into my crafty stuff... some people use music or sports or something. I did use sports for a while.
I'm not sure at least that is how I explain it to myself.
I guess I could go back through this and edit it down to a paragraph. It's sort a long rant...
My family of origin created an anxiety and disfunction in my emotional health and perceptions and as a teenager/young adult my attempts at rectifying it or being understood only resulted in a lack of undertanding from others outside of my FOO which increased the anxiety and frustration.
I'm sorry but I am going to blame my family for a moment, I am going to metaphorically vomit up all the antidepressants that I took- back onto my family- because that is what I visualize-- me vomiting and all of these pills, pink and purple flooding my family's happy warm cozy homes. Go clean that mess up family!! The bupropion pills really were pink and purple. Hum interesting. They must have been intended for WOMEN. I don't see anything marketed for men that is colored pink or purple.
Now I digress into a verbal rant about vomiting pink and purple pills... that no longer makes sense.
Ok....enough already... I'm stopping here.
The disfunction/sickness/avoidance/ is like a little air bubble in a sealed plastic bag, can squeeze it, keep on pushing it around and it just moves to another corner, can try to hide it but it is still there. That is how I see the pills and family's way of handling things. The problems have never been healed or gone away. Rather then a cure, the pills now seem to me like another expression of the main FOO issues. The pills seem like concentrated lies to me. Condensed dried powder made of dirt and lies and avoidance and denial.
Puke!
Should I tell me relatives that? You guys make me want to puke!!-- oh never mind...
I think back about when I was sick as a kid and as an adult I would be shocked if I saw that today.
My mother doesn't deserve any respect from me. The best I can do is act like she is dead or she is an annoying sales person that I ignore, NO thank you, I don't want what you are selling, you are selling some rigor-mortis really? What a novel product line, good luck with selling your rigor-mortis. Nope, I'm sure I don't need it and I dont want to try it for free..no really mom, I am absolutely sure I will never have a use for a sample of your free rigor mortis. ....Good bye...mom... Hang up....
Because that is what the Nar-people are selling us "rigor mortis" of the spirit....where our "real selves" are frozen and stiff and suspended.
