Struggling

[Twoapenny]

Hi everyone,

I'm sorry I haven't posted much recently.  I've really been struggling.  I've been trying to keep my head clear by avoiding forums - partly because I wanted to concentrate on my own thoughts and not be influenced by others, partly because I know one of my coping mechanisms is to ignore my own problems and fix other people's.

My head's a bit jumbled so this post may well be, too! Forgive me.

I am coming to the conclusion that I have many aspects to my personality, as I'm sure most of us do.  Some is the real me - the deep down inside, this is who I am, this is what makes my heart sing stuff.  Some is the me that we all have to be day to day - getting on with the chores, doing the stuff we don't like doing but have to in order to keep the house running and put food on the table.  Some is the damaged me - the bits that I'm aware of,  that I work on, the bits that I have to stop and think about when I'm deciding what to do, what to say and how to say it.  Some of it is the fake me, the part that had to smile, cheer and just make out that nothing bad had ever happened.  Some is the numb it all out me, drugs of choice these days being caffeine, sugar and keeping busy.  Some of it is the utterly terrified, oh so scared part of me that is so deep down inside that I do wonder if she'll ever be able to come out and, if she does, I wonder if I'll be able to help her?  Some of it is the part that desperately needs outside validation but that keeps going to the wrong people for it!  Some of it is the me that has given up hope and doesn't think life has a lot to offer.

A really big part of me is being a mum, and, although there is a lot that I think I've done well, I am very aware that there is a huge hole in his life because I CAN'T DO RELATIONSHIPS!  I can do it with him - mum/son is fine - but I haven't modelled any adult to adult relationships with him, because I simply don't have any.  The most interaction he sees me have with another human being are odd nights when a friend comes over and we sit in the kitchen chatting.

It's a crossroads, I think.  I've been saving hard and working hard, and this year we should be able to move to a better area.  The paperwork - that enormous legacy bequeathed by my mum - will finally be finished this year and, whatever happens, that huge destructive chunk will be filed under the 'storage' tag and I won't need to keep looking at it.  I am starting to look at ways of getting back to work as my son gets older and I can start having a life of my own to some extent.  And I suspect all of that is part of what's making everything else rear up again.  I always panic and run for the hills when life is on a good curve.  I realised this week that I've left myself in a sort of limbo.  Whatever I did was criticised - do badly and get slagged off for that, do well and you're up yourself/snobby/who does she think she is.  And I realised I still spend so much of my time trying to be good - but not too good.  It's maddening.

I'm really, really tired.  I'm trying to eat well but keep falling off the wagon.  I have done a bit in the garden and it looks nice now.  Things are moving in the right direction, but I feel like I'm pushing up a really steep hill and the top's a long way off.

Thank you for reading and letting me get it all out xx

[BonesMS]

((((((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Meh]

Heya yousy twosy, read it...     Sigh...yeah.  Sometimes one just needs to get stuff wrote on down and out in plain view.

[Hopalong]

Scared + tired. Of course you are.
And you have a move coming up, which is challenging but WONDERFUL.
You will be in a better area and NOT across the street from your meanest critic!
(I remember being stunned when I realized she was...Right...There....)

But moving is also stressful and you see the clock ticking, and change/growth
in your son, etc.

Do you have any sense of what his adult life circumstances will be?
Is there any way there can be a different picture, other than you living
alone with your son forever? You love him enough to do that, of course.
But if he could live in a positive, well run adult group home, it might be
better for him (and for you--so this isolation you drift into wouldn't become
permanent). I don't know what your community or personal options are.

Once you're away from there, I bet the daily effort of
wearing a "good" mask will be less stressful. You might even sit back
in a cozy armchair by your sunny window and it might occur to you....
Huh. My face feels better. Or... I guess I've been "good" all along.
Or, if you're thinking of some critical remark, just... Too bad they think
that way. But it's not about me. Provincialism is nasty sometimes.

One thought about what you've modeled for your son....you know,
seeing a parent peaceably chatting at the kitchen table with another
adult. That's modeling. And isn't it better to model something simple?
Some people model screaming/drinking/violence/gambling/addiction
for their children. You're mad at yourself for modeling mild introversion?

Feh. He's smart and watching the world. Be good to get him into whatever
activities DO help kids with special needs learn to relate, I think. But how
is that all on you?

It's like you have a list of ways in which you are not perfect or don't
have control. Not a kind way to design your self-talk but believe me,
I know what a massive struggle it is to learn to just ease up on yourself.

You do know everybody has dark thoughts at times, and most of us
have a shadow side, and it's not abnormal to feel conflict between
public and private selves? And a whole lot of culture and childhood religion
teach us to mistrust, loathe, judgejudgejudgejudge ourselves and everybody
else?

Lastly...what sort of work do you think you'll likely do? I think work is
a great idea for you. Even part time. It's a gift to focus outward more.
And if you ever had your own small business, I believe you'd do extremely
well and lift yourself right out.

I think about the British class system, still, now and then. It's here in
small-town America. But a small business changes everything because anyone
who can make, create, write, do math...can these days earn money at it.
You write and communicate SO well I could see you with a nice website,
selling something straightforward but in a charming way....

The running-scared staying-busy could turn into more of building-something,
planning-a-life kind of thing.

love
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Penny dear, you're in a better place than you realize, I think.
All of those "yous" are aspects of "you"... all equally important "ingredients" to the final YOU.

As you continue validating the parts that are healing - they'll pop out on their own, just because they're feeling emboldened; and FREE.

AND NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN. No one will run shrieking away, no one but you will notice that the "voice" came from a different part of you; one that's been silent for a long, long time.

AND NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN.

As you start building a new "nest" and meeting new people and trusting "this much" with them until you get to know them better... it will be OK now and you're ALLOWED to have pretties, and flowers, and friends NOW...

AND NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN.

And eventually, you'll stop expecting it to.

BIG HUGS... and happy first day of spring!... bring on the BUNNIES!!!

[lighter]

Hi  Tupp:

The self reflection stuff, peeled down to the bone, is hard.

Just.

So.

Hard.

We're normally surrounded, as you say, keeping busy, being moms, and doing paperwork.....

then we get to the point where we can have outside contact, and, again....

it's hard..... it's change. 

Choices. 

Doing things imperfectly, which is sort'a tough, IMO.  Esp the social, for introverts.

I've noticed, every hard place, leads to a better place, if that helps any.

The self reflection part, which I'm very familiar with RIGHT NOW, is a good thing, IMO.

I count it as a good sign, and aim to journal more. 

I think it might help you put your thoughts in order, and file them away like your paperwork, too.

Going back, looking at where we were, seeing how far we've come, and officially putting things to bed after visiting it enough times, is easier when it's somewhere we can find it, without having to recall it when we think of it, or need it.  To make sense of it, and put it in order.

Well, that's my two cents worth, but I will say.....

it makes me very hopeful to picture you gardening, and moving to a better place, away from your mum.

It sometimes feels empty when the pd's fall away,  IME. 

Change is just hard, even if it's good change, IME.

You're going to be fine, (((Tupp.)))

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

((((((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Bonesie, you give the best cyber hugs in the world!!!!  Thank you   (((((((((((((((((((((Bones)))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Twoapenny]

Heya yousy twosy, read it...     Sigh...yeah.  Sometimes one just needs to get stuff wrote on down and out in plain view.

Thanks, G, yes, I know you get it.  A lot of what I read in your thread about your brother really resonates with me, it's tough and lonely path to tread sometimes.  Thank you xx

[Twoapenny]

Scared + tired. Of course you are.
And you have a move coming up, which is challenging but WONDERFUL.
You will be in a better area and NOT across the street from your meanest critic!
(I remember being stunned when I realized she was...Right...There....)

But moving is also stressful and you see the clock ticking, and change/growth
in your son, etc.

Do you have any sense of what his adult life circumstances will be?
Is there any way there can be a different picture, other than you living
alone with your son forever? You love him enough to do that, of course.
But if he could live in a positive, well run adult group home, it might be
better for him (and for you--so this isolation you drift into wouldn't become
permanent). I don't know what your community or personal options are.

Once you're away from there, I bet the daily effort of
wearing a "good" mask will be less stressful. You might even sit back
in a cozy armchair by your sunny window and it might occur to you....
Huh. My face feels better. Or... I guess I've been "good" all along.
Or, if you're thinking of some critical remark, just... Too bad they think
that way. But it's not about me. Provincialism is nasty sometimes.

One thought about what you've modeled for your son....you know,
seeing a parent peaceably chatting at the kitchen table with another
adult. That's modeling. And isn't it better to model something simple?
Some people model screaming/drinking/violence/gambling/addiction
for their children. You're mad at yourself for modeling mild introversion?

Feh. He's smart and watching the world. Be good to get him into whatever
activities DO help kids with special needs learn to relate, I think. But how
is that all on you?

It's like you have a list of ways in which you are not perfect or don't
have control. Not a kind way to design your self-talk but believe me,
I know what a massive struggle it is to learn to just ease up on yourself.

You do know everybody has dark thoughts at times, and most of us
have a shadow side, and it's not abnormal to feel conflict between
public and private selves? And a whole lot of culture and childhood religion
teach us to mistrust, loathe, judgejudgejudgejudge ourselves and everybody
else?

Lastly...what sort of work do you think you'll likely do? I think work is
a great idea for you. Even part time. It's a gift to focus outward more.
And if you ever had your own small business, I believe you'd do extremely
well and lift yourself right out.

I think about the British class system, still, now and then. It's here in
small-town America. But a small business changes everything because anyone
who can make, create, write, do math...can these days earn money at it.
You write and communicate SO well I could see you with a nice website,
selling something straightforward but in a charming way....

The running-scared staying-busy could turn into more of building-something,
planning-a-life kind of thing.

love
Hops

Thank you Hops, I know!  Right across the road.  I am like a fly caught in a web.  I've got her, two of my sisters, my step brother and a whole host of people who know them all within five minutes of my home.  There are memories on every corner.  I needed to be here, I think, to do the work - I'm so good at avoiding it all that I really had to have it shoved in my face all the time to deal with it or I don't think I ever would have.  But I am very, very much ready to move on now, I feel sick constantly, I don't want the memories any more, I want nice new fresh ones

I think it might be thinking about my son's future that triggered all this off.  I have found a really good college that runs courses for kids with learning difficulties from the age of 16 to 21.  So we could have five years of him being somewhere that I think he would really like as he grows through that kid to adult stage, and then it would lead quite naturally into some kind of supported living - I don't know what yet but he can't live on his own and I don't think it's right for him to live with me through his adult life.  He needs to be his own person and I need to have some kind of life of my own again.  So the move would take us really close to this college, it's in a lovely part of the country, lots of history and new places to explore, a little nearer a couple of very good friends and it just generally feels like the right thing to do (it's also near enough to here that I can still see the couple of friends here I do like but far enough away that there's no chance of bumping into people I don't!).  But there is, of course, a big stumbling block, and that is the mountain of false information in our records that can just cause so many problems for us and the fact that we don't have any up to date medical reports or information because I've been too scared to go near anyone for years.

I just feel that I have behaved well in this - I've kept away from her, ignored her, done my best to get on with my life and yet I'm still so restricted by her vicious lies and we're like prisoners in an open cage - I feel so hemmed in by what she's done and so scared of what she can do and still be doing.  And I think that's what kicked all of this off this time - I just want to go round there and kick her face off and instead I have to sit for hours typing and filing and hoping that I can find a lawyer that can sort this out, or just accepting that I will have to keep dealing with this.  It's almost like having an illness that restricts you day to day, I feel like I'm still carrying the hideous old bint around with me and I just want to tell her to p**s off!

But I am coming out the other side now.  I've cut down the caffeine and sugar, I've been forcing myself to rest.  I've been reading John Bradshaw's book about healing shame - I think you might have recommended that to me one time?  But I'm trying to follow the advice, reach out to people, be real, go with it.  So I think we're over the hump.

Thank you so much all for being there, I will reply to everyone else later, I'm all typed out now.  Thank you all so much xxx

[BonesMS]

((((((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Bonesie, you give the best cyber hugs in the world!!!!  Thank you   (((((((((((((((((((((Bones)))))))))))))))))))))))))

You're welcome, ((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

Tupp--
Your description of that college for your son, and of the move for you...sounds PERFECT.
I don't completely, entirely understand what paperwork barriers there are (though I know
it all had to do with false accusations your mother made about you years ago that you've
spent ages trying to correct in the record). But I'm really glad you have someone helping
you sort it through.

Fingers, and all toes crossed that this WORKS.

xo
Hop

[lighter]

Tupp:

I'm thinking of you, and wishing you all the luck in the world for a new move, and wonderful school situation for your son.

lighter

[Twoapenny]

Penny dear, you're in a better place than you realize, I think.
All of those "yous" are aspects of "you"... all equally important "ingredients" to the final YOU.

As you continue validating the parts that are healing - they'll pop out on their own, just because they're feeling emboldened; and FREE.

AND NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN. No one will run shrieking away, no one but you will notice that the "voice" came from a different part of you; one that's been silent for a long, long time.

AND NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN.

As you start building a new "nest" and meeting new people and trusting "this much" with them until you get to know them better... it will be OK now and you're ALLOWED to have pretties, and flowers, and friends NOW...

AND NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN.

And eventually, you'll stop expecting it to.

BIG HUGS... and happy first day of spring!... bring on the BUNNIES!!!

Thank you, Skep, you are right.

It has never been okay for me to have an opinion.  Or a thought, or a feeling or a desire or a need.  I've been criticised for every single thing I've ever done and for some reason the enormity of it all only hit me fairly recently.  Isn't it funny how you can have something in your life for decades without realising it, and then suddenly it's so in your face that you can't figure out how you never saw it before?!

So yes, you are absolutely right.  There are parts of me that are finally sticking their heads out above the sand and saying "Hey!  Do this!  It's fun!"  I feel almost like I've been programmed to feel I don't deserve to have a nice life.  So things happening - positive, proactive, useful things - still feel odd.  But yep, it's clearing, things are settling, I'm feeling stronger and moving in the right direction (although at times that means not actually doing much.  It's funny how much happens when you don't do anything?).

Thank you.  And yes, it's spring!  We have blossom and birds singing and you don't have to put three layers on the minute you get out of bed in the morning.  It's good

[Twoapenny]

Hi  Tupp:

The self reflection stuff, peeled down to the bone, is hard.

Just.

So.

Hard.

We're normally surrounded, as you say, keeping busy, being moms, and doing paperwork.....

then we get to the point where we can have outside contact, and, again....

it's hard..... it's change. 

Choices. 

Doing things imperfectly, which is sort'a tough, IMO.  Esp the social, for introverts.

I've noticed, every hard place, leads to a better place, if that helps any.

The self reflection part, which I'm very familiar with RIGHT NOW, is a good thing, IMO.

I count it as a good sign, and aim to journal more. 

I think it might help you put your thoughts in order, and file them away like your paperwork, too.

Going back, looking at where we were, seeing how far we've come, and officially putting things to bed after visiting it enough times, is easier when it's somewhere we can find it, without having to recall it when we think of it, or need it.  To make sense of it, and put it in order.

Well, that's my two cents worth, but I will say.....

it makes me very hopeful to picture you gardening, and moving to a better place, away from your mum.

It sometimes feels empty when the pd's fall away,  IME. 

Change is just hard, even if it's good change, IME.

You're going to be fine, (((Tupp.)))

Lighter

Thank you, Lighter, I know, change hurts even when it's good and for the right reasons.  I sometimes get to a place where I don't appreciate the good things - I have a roof over my head, food, money, my boy, my health.  Usually I focus on those things and that keeps everything in perspective but sometimes the crappy stuff just screams so loudly that I can't see anything else.  But it's settling down again now.

The garden is starting to look nice!  I'm just waiting on a man to come and fix the fence that got blown down in the storms and then it will really look homely again.  I've put quite a lot of stuff in tubs so I can take it with me when we move.

The thing I find hard about reflection is having to acknowledge my own mistakes.  I find being imperfect tough!  I can see why people become blinded to their faults.  But things are settling again, it feels like that particular storm is calming down for now.  Able to focus on other, more positive things.  How are things going for you now, did you hear any more about your in laws and their 'appeal'?

[Twoapenny]

Tupp--
Your description of that college for your son, and of the move for you...sounds PERFECT.
I don't completely, entirely understand what paperwork barriers there are (though I know
it all had to do with false accusations your mother made about you years ago that you've
spent ages trying to correct in the record). But I'm really glad you have someone helping
you sort it through.

Fingers, and all toes crossed that this WORKS.

xo
Hop

Hopsie, I don't entirely understand the paperwork situation myself!

The situation in the UK (it might be similar in the States) regarding disability is that the local authorities do their best to spend as little as possible on disabled people (adults and children alike).  Having to fight for basic services - health care, education, employment, day care for adults etc - is common place and the most common way for local authorities to avoid paying is to claim that the needs of the person involved aren't as great as the family (or whoever it is representing them) claim them to be.  On that note, it's quite common for someone to claim that x's problems wouldn't be so severe if the family didn't do x, y or z, or if they did a, b and c instead.

So to get what's needed you have to (a) really understand yourself what your child needs, (b) have evidence to support that - doctors, therapists, educational psychologists, whoever might have input, (c) have the energy to fight (the paperwork and beaurocracy are mind numbing and people can fight for years through various layers of appeals and tribunals) and (d) be ready to defend yourself against allegations that it's somehow your fault (child protection action is common when parents and experts don't agree on the best course of action and disabled adults are considered to be vulnerable and the state can intervene if they decide they want to).  It is generally 'known' that starting protection proceedings is a good way of shutting families up and stopping them from fighting.

When my son was little I was still talking to my mum and confiding in her about my concerns about him and all the various doctors we were seeing.  She was, in turn, contacting those doctors, telling them that it had been established that my son's problems were down to my abuse and neglect of him and that I was very good at disguising my illness as well as being an accomplished liar and liable to violence if challenged.  None of this was true and they should have checked but they didn't.  So I was going to appointments, telling the truth about what he could or couldn't do, they were assuming I was lying and there was nothing wrong with him and I had no idea any of it was happening.

Over time things got worse, I found out, etc etc and for the last seven years I've just avoided contact with people as much as possible (people I don't know and trust, that is).

So now we're in a situation where I don't have any up to date, medical information regarding my son so it's difficult to move forward with regards to working out what he'll need as he gets older.  I can go to the relevant people, explain the situation and hope they do a good, objective job, take me at my word and focus on my son, which they may well do.  Equally, they might do what they did last time, believe my mum's version, ignore me and, at best, not give my son a proper assessment and, at worst they might start proceedings to take him away.

So I feel I have to hedge my bets.  If I can go to them armed with a full document that details every untrue thing she's told them and has as much evidence to support me as possible, then I feel I have a better chance of getting what's right for him.  If I can get an injunction against her that would really help, as it means a judge has agreed that she's lying and she's dangerous.  If it turns out my son has a legal case (due to doctors missing things because they didn't assess him properly) that would also help as he'd get compensation and then I can pay for the assessments privately and we just knock the system (and it's associated problems) out of the way.  So I feel like I have to finish going through all those files, even if it ends up being a complete waste of time!  I'm looking at them now, there's six more to go (I started with forty).