Who me? High Maintenance??

[sKePTiKal]

After this almost 2 years alone, dealing with a laundry list of experiences with myself, trying to take care of myself, I've decided I'm "high maintenance".   

Oh, not in the usual ways. I've never cared a lot about the girly stuff - and still haven't scheduled a massage to use the gift card I got for Christmas. I'm cutting my own bangs and letting the white flag grow out and flow again. LOL. I still dress nicer when I go to town, and comfy at home while I'm working, but I'm not a slob. I'm not overly fussy about things - MOST of the time. I have my OCD moments.

I'm talking about things like: I want to get something done - a chore or project. Well, there's a whole list of things I have to do FIRST, before I'm "ready" to do it.** And sometimes in that process I get distracted and the stalling tactic now puts me into the middle of the day - and I don't want to go start something then. Seems there are all these "conditions" that have to be friggin' perfect before I can just get on with it. Or there will be a really strong "I don't WANT to do that". Not because there's something else I want to do more... just don't want to do THAT.

I'm getting stuck in negotiations with myself over things like this. Debates about the best way to go about it. And I'm not able to overcome the resistance with a "just get it done" intent.

Or there's the old sabotage reflex - like trying to eat differently and shift the balance of my calories from carbs to fats and good veggies. I've had to lay down the law, starting in the grocery store about even buying that bag of potato chips that I absolutely want - and use the excuse that I need the salt. LOL.

I'm a handful to deal with!

And now that I'm starting to be aware of being lonely on top of that, I realize no one else wants to deal with this crap either. I would really like to find a guy again. The feedback I'm getting from friends is that I might be too independent now, to make space for someone else's wants/needs or agendas or even "how to do things".

So anyway, I need to talk this through - out loud. It hasn't been working to just think about it on my own. Y'all feel free to chime in with whatever occurs to you - your own experiences too. I know you well enough to trust your honesty is delivered with the best intentions. (Maybe that will be plenty to cure my current "lonely hearts club" moment.)

It feels really neurotic and it seems inconceivable to me, that with the level of absolute freedom I'm surrounded with and lack of many real "obligations" to others that I'm running through this kind self-torture maze. It's almost as if I'm sending myself the message that I don't matter enough -- to engage in this work or project for myself to enjoy afterward. How ABSURD.

And that's why I've decided I'm high maintenance. I need to figure this crap out and move past it. I ain't getting any younger.

** Just realized, that I used to do this same "stalling" thing before "allowing myself" to do any artwork too. It was so bad, that I never even got started on things... because there were so many OTHER things I thought just HAD TO BE DONE first. Ironing, dishes, vacumning - dusting.

[Twoapenny]

I think there are independent guys out there, Skep, who value their own alone time and would enjoy a relationship with a lady who is capable, independent, fun to be around but who also enjoys their own space and won't feel rejected if guy says he needs to go to his cabin in the woods for a fortnight and he's not taking his phone with him.  They are few and far between, admittedly, and personally I find it hard to meet people who enjoy their solitude - because they're enjoying their solitude!  I would definitely need someone who has their own life and is happy to get on with their thing while I get on with mine and just meet up as and when.  The thing with independence is that you can't really not be independent when you live on your own - or, indeed, when you grow up in a home where independence is something you have to master from a young age because no-one's doing anything for you.  I think friends mean well when they give dating advice but there does seem to be a big focus on women and how they should be.  We are who we are and I know I'm definitely at the point where I'd love to meet someone but most men bore me silly and I'm not one for sitting watching TV every evening so I'm aware the pool is smaller.  Maybe I'll meet one and find he has a cousin in your neck of the woods.  Wouldn't that be fab?

The procrastinating I definitely experience as well.  For me it's part of my 'control' issues - if I do x, y and z then a, b and c will go okay.  I rarely get past x, y and z so a, b and c don't tend to happen.  That's a big part of what I'm working on at the minute.

Something I have noticed - I've no idea if this would apply to you - is that my need to be focused, work through lists, get stuff done before getting other stuff done - is closely linked to my being tired.  I am working on a theory at the moment that being tired makes my body feel like it is in fight or flight mode and that in turn makes me go into defensive territory and makes it difficult for me to walk new paths (like getting on with something without having to do ten other things first).  When I feel rested and relaxed I find it easier to get on with things and to tell myself that doing x, y and z isn't necessary.  So at the moment I'm trying to rest more and when I feel myself getting crotchety in my head I'm trying to switch off and slow down (not always easy!  Old habits ).  But I'm finding I can focus better when I'm rested and cut through the algae that seems to clog up my brain a lot of the time - the chatter and the doubt and all the old messages, blah, blah, blah.

I don't know if any of that chimes but much of what you wrote is familiar to me.  Oddly enough I think of myself as low maintenance because I just plod along without much interaction with the outside world (other than on here!) xx

[sKePTiKal]

I'm still chewing over your suggestions Tupp. I don't THINK it's control. It could be tired - but more mentally tired than physically. Still looking.

Today I didn't have that same difficulty. Went downstairs to fold & retrieve the laundry... and didn't get back upstairs till I'd totally demo'd the three shelves in my mudroom. LOL. No idea where that came from either!

[sKePTiKal]

Hmmmmm.

Ever since I let myself complain about this "problem" it seems to be LESS in my way, than before. That's kinda interesting. I've gotten most of the so-called "yard" around the house mowed down to presentable heights. There is yet more to clean up, but that part of the bank is just too steep to mow. Hello, Mr. battery-powered Weedeater...

The weather cooling off and the humidity lifting has helped that. Whether it's age, or what, I simply can't "do battle" with mother nature when it's that hot & sticky. I don't feel well at all, have no energy, and I don't like it. I don't mind it getting warm or sweating or physically working hard - but not at those extremes.

The mental paralysis, just might be mental exhaustion. Every so often, I get reminded that I've been through the top 5 life stressors, and it does take a toll. There are so many things - and different kinds of things - different categories - to deal with going through those kinds of changes that when the immediacy of dealing with them fades away, I'm still in that mode of being. It's always been hard for me to "stand down", throttle back the adrenalin, and just coast a bit - COMFORTABLY. I keep trying to bounce back with the same level of energy, faster than is reasonable for me, I think.

So I look at the lists, juggle the priorities, try to suss out where I need/want to make progress next, worry about this & that growing into a problem... and basically tie myself up in knots and freeze. It's like being hog-tied by my brain. And of course, I want a bunch of things DONE and DONE NOW. And it seems there is no one around to ask for help, motivation, and there are all kinds of other things I can waste time, distracting myself.

All while I simply REST the old part of the brain that makes good decisions and gets things done in a timely fashion - and faces up to the various difficulties inherent in them. Whether it's dealing with another pile of Mikey-stuff, reminding the contractors that I do pay them, for services rendered, or just beginning to sculpt another corner of my new space into something more functional and attractive. Sometimes, I just can't do any more of that.

And that should be OK. I don't have to operate in the old Type-A ruts anymore. Nothing to prove - even to myself - anymore. Not worried about whether the results are "good enough" - because enough thought & planning went into the decision that the final process should flow fairly smoothly. And if it doesn't, I can handle that.

So: maybe this is some kind of conflict between my confidence levels and the old tapes in my head telling me how I can't do something "right"? [requires more looking at that; paying attention/observation; and absolute honesty with myself]

One thing I've definitely noticed about this experience of extended solitude - and re-entering the world of the living after grieving - is that there is a LOT of space for these kinds of old residual "issues" to pop up and remind me that they're not completely banished from my experience. Trust issues, self-confidence, giving myself permission to just BE myself and enjoy it... all those things have traipsed through my waking days these past 2 years. Like echos or ghosts.

And maybe everyone has these times and it's not weird or something that even NEEDS addressing. Just notice it, notice how little it controls me (most of the time)... and when it does seem to be taking over... notice that and deal with it.

[Hopalong]

I loved reading this, (((((((((((Amber)))))))))))).

I don't have to operate in the old Type-A ruts anymore.

That's .... yuge.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Ask and ye shall receive.

I have pestered Doc enough this week about my personal, mental conflict that he fell back on his military training, and wrote me specific orders - giving me command of my 10-acre "canvas", and direct orders to not engage any further with any current or past experience of anyone who insists on criticizing my choices, substituting their own, or implying I'm not capable of doing anything I want to do. It was cute & funny. Kinda the kinds of things I remember doing as a kid, playing and interacting with other kids in our imaginary "games".

Here's the funny thing though: it seems to work for me. Reading them got a lot of those thoughts & feelings to stop crowding me - get out of my way.

Office of XXXXXXX Command
XXXXXXX BRANCH
2 AUGUST 2017

To All Who Shall See These Presents, Greetings!
You are hereby directed to pay attention to the man behind that curtain in carrying out these orders!

From:  Oz, the Great and All Powerful
            Commander, XXXXXXX Command
To:       Skeptical
 
Subj: Permanent Reinstatement of Self-Confidence and Change of Duty Description


1. When directed by reporting senior, permanent change of duty is directed and authorized on or about this date.

REPORT AS COMMANDING OFFICER, XXXX FARM, [state]:
 
    1. (a) Permanent position and change of attitude is hereby authorized and directed.
    1. (b) Ignoring, disregarding and avoiding any and all persons, both male, and female who behave in demeaning, abusive or jealous manner is authorized and directed.
    1. (c) Reinstatement of permanent self-confidence and self-determination is authorized and directed. 
    1. (d) Exercise of any and all previously acquired skills regarding safety, happiness, and survival including (but not limited to) the following is directed:

<snipped list of skills>


   2. Refusing to tolerate demeaning or belittling language from any person, be they female or male, whether blood relative or not, is hereby authorized and directed.
   3. Consultation with peers is authorized.
   4. Self-determination in all matters of XXXX FARM is authorized and directed.
   5. Command authority of XXXX FARM in all aspects is included.
   6. Acknowledgment of Receipt is directed.

//s// 
Trim (for)
Oz, The Great and All Powerful
Commanding

It's like a permission slip, to just turn off the useless back & forth in my thoughts. But more so -- a direct command to do so. And it's not the kind of "command" that I would immediately resist and fight tooth and nail. On general principle: you can't tell me what to do - kind of thing.

He is certainly turning into a "useful brother".

(His description for the types of relationships I should focus on instead of seeking another one on one, romantic relationship. I haven't actually agreed with him on that point yet. He himself, can let the "command & control" aspect of himself get away from him. But since that seems to be what I've been doing anyway - with my "chaperone", and some others - I'm not challenging that "prescription" yet.)

[lighter]

Hi Amber:

I found the Doc's list very interesting from 2 perspectives.  Struggling to phrase and GIVE advice in the past, and also trying to receive advice with more attention and clarity in the present. 

This guy had no trouble providing clarity..... even though he's speaking to things I've read or heard elsewhere in many cases.... he attacks with economy of motion and phrase.  No excuses or reasons.  Only action. 

I like it.

Lighter