This and That

[lighter]

We came home today after holiday travel.  The first thing I thought was "What died?"

Surely there's a dead mouse somewhere in the garage, if only I can find it.  That didn't bother me much, surprisingly.  Not long ago it would have set me very on edge, but not today.

I think part of that is stepping back from trying to do more than I can possibly do.  I have to admit I PLANNED holiday that way, then pulled back at the end, and just stopped. 

This put us back home early afternoon with plenty of time to catch up, and prepare for the week... a really good thing.

Turned out something in the re cycle bin was dodgy.... the garage is still mouse free.  Yay.

I feel great about making 4 different soups for my step father, and convalescing friend.  There are frozen single serve portions in freezer bags in four flavors.  Baked potato soup, broccoli cauliflower chicken soup, beef vegetable, and chicken corn chowder... oh my, here comes fall!  I love soup in the fall, and esp mommy made soup.

My house feels less stressed as I drive up to, and enter it.  Not sure if it's that I'm getting ahead on my to do list OR I'm feeling better in my skin.  Has to be both, I'm thinking.

We played a lot of cards over holiday.  It's now an accepted fact that one can determine their own outcome with the cards through muscle testing, and has been labeled "cheating" by my youngest dd if detected or suspected. For the most part, I don't think about it, and find amusement at youngest dd's intense feelings around it.

 She was very upset when one of our friends learned to muscle test herself last night while playing cards. This was done to help the friend figure out her true YES and NO.  Often a forward lean is YES, and a backwards lean is NO, but that's not always the case.  My friend has been frustrated for years at not being able to do this for herself, esp at the grocery store.

At first my friend was sure it wouldn't work for her at all, and it seemed it wouldn't.  After an hour of trying..... calming herself down, and changing from seated to standing position, there was a shift.  She found her YES was forward leaning, and NO was backwards.  Soon other card players were trying it, and DD's zen was tested  once again.  I think she'll be working on her own YES and NO soon, and I'll be glad of it.

I don't know if it's really cheating, but it's a super great way to experience concrete results from different leanings, IME.  Everyone can see the results to boot.  I rate this an A++ fun way to learn to muscle test yourself.

My girls are making their own lunches for school.  I don't worry about it.  I used to worry about it a lot.  Oldest dd is figuring out her new schedule with the cleanse.... only 7 days left, 5 of them at school so I'm happy she's being proactive.  She's on board with this 100%, and driving her own boat which is how it has to be.  She'll figure out her own eating plan when it's done, and I'll try to keep my nose in my own business.

I'm looking to purchase a used infra red sauna for the house for detoxing purposes.  It would be good to have a wooden one, but that entails putting in a dedicated circuit.  The easier way is to get a fold up soft model we can travel with, but I worry about off gassing.  Hmmmm. Anyone have information about this?

::taking time to appreciate the things in front of me now that I enjoy::

Using the Nescafe coffee maker.  I got a great deal on it, almost free, and it makes good enough espresso I've decided, though purchasing the pods isn't easy.  They have to be ordered and arrive via snail mail.  I particularly like drinking espresso from the little child's mug, with spring green polka dots, made by the lovely nun who raises bunnies. My sister gave me that mug 15 years ago, and we never used it much.   

::nodding::.

It has a lamb on it too.

::nodding again::.

And is just the right size.

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[lighter]

I forgot to write that I've started a new project around the hardest of the hard things I've yet to finish dealing with.  The hours go by like seconds, and my hand cramps as I NEED to push past it, and write write write more more more.  In red.

It's the right time, and the right way.

I 'll destroy it with paint and pen then turn it into something else.

Lighter

[lighter]

More work on the project, and it comes quickly, and without trouble.  Sort of like barfing on paper, IMO. 

More work on the yard... and it's still very easy, and enjoyable.  I see clearly what I'll do in some areas.  No thinking. 

I have to remember not to ruin the clothes I'm enjoying now.  I tend to see work, and drop into it without thinking about what I'm wearing.  All my previously favorite clothing ended up in the painting clothing pile.  I'm trying to think before I begin.  Gloves?  Hat?  Long sleeves?  Good boots for the job?   I'd like to look put together when I'm not working.... maybe sometime soon I'll care about how I look when I am working. This is becoming my life.  It's new.

I've noticed I allow myself to become overwhelmed quite a bit around the news lately.

To overcome it, I'll go back to what I learned from prior struggles....

do everything I can to positively impact the outcome, then get on with myself.

I have to turn the TV off now.

Lighter

   

[lighter]

I had a consult with a moss expert yesterday.  The good news is I have a lot of moss, and every part of my yard will grow it without trouble.  I thought I had spots that were struggling BUT those areas simply have ugly brown green moss growing on them.  I just have to sew handfuls of the lovely fluffy bright green moss on top of it.... it looks like tiny little ferns.  SO.  Lovely.

I started pulling weeds around the mailbox.  I want to complete the first feature in that area, but man.... So.  Many.  Weeds.  So many to pull by hand.  I'm about to scrape it, put in sheets of moss, then use what I scraped up to crumble over the ugly green brown stuff.   

::nodding::.

I just know I enjoy thinking about it. I enjoy DOING this.  I can't wait to go rock hunting, and forest driftwood hunting.  This is as much fun as shell seeking, which I haven't done in years, but used to love too.

I enjoy feeling like my younger self. 

Remembering I was loved by Bill so much.  It felt really good to be someone's moon and stars.  That was real.  It's part of who I am, and I'll carry it with me always.  Just bc something ended doesn't mean it's gone. 

I think I'm through mourning.  I think I'm ready to embrace what I had, and lean into the future with hope again. 

When I was driving the girls to school Monday, after the storm blew through.... I was unhappy about having to drive with all the trees down.  Our school was one of the only schools open, bc that area didn't get much damage.  Our area had the most damage.  The BlueRidge Pkw, which I love driving the kids to and from school on, is still closed.  I digress... I noticed I had a wheedling whiny voice when I talked to a buddy about the drive.  He was going to have to drive to school to, later that day, and I really felt it was unfair to keep the school open when most schools closed, and the ones that didn't had a 2 hour delay.  It was sort of nuts to have everyone out on the roads before all the power lines and trees could be cleared, IMO. 

I really hated the whiny victimized tone I found myself using, and I decided right there I was going to stop.  I recognize it in my oldest child's tone at times.  I don't like it on either of us.   

Eventually I lightened up on that drive, and could laugh and joke about it.  This was better in every single way that can be described, IME.  I want more light and less whining in my life.   

I've noticed in the past that my oldest dd lights up like a light bulb when I laugh and feel joy.  Lately I've been going out of my way to let the small stuff go, and seek out joy whenever I possibly can.  For her.  For me.  For all of us.  That Monday drive was a gift wrapped in a challenge.  I need reminders.  It's so hard to GET and internalize lessons, but I really want to.

I don't put on news radio anymore.  I have a few great radio stations we love.  We sing together, and chat.  We talk about good things, and I've noticed things FEEL better.

Our kitchen feels and looks great right now.  We hang out and cook together there.  My kids are asking to play cards again... it's not just me asking.  Things are coming back into focus... sort of.  It's not something that can be forced, IME.  It's in focus or it's not, and there are things that still haven't righted themselves.  Plenty.  This is a work in progress.  I think I can enjoy the ride again. 

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I was busy all day with a friend, and his parents, who live in Florida, but have sheltered with him.  They were lucky, bc they didn't lose anything... not a window.  Not a tree.  Their area did very well.

It was a lovely day too.  Perfect for working in the yard.  I really want to nail down basic designs, and went out just before dark to snap pictures to work from this evening.  God help me, I think I want to put stone down on the path everyone takes to the forest entrance and line it with moss.  I don't know anything about putting in a stone walkway. 

Yet; )

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

There are a couple ways to make that walkway Lighter. But since you want to plant moss, you're going to want to use the easiest way.

So, first step is outlining your path. Landscapers use a kind of spray paint to do this - but you can just layout length of hose, rope or even string. Then, you'll want to clear the sod off... and if you like, you can go down a couple or 3 inches, so the stone wil bel "sunk" in the dirt and the moss will grow up over the edges. I used to do this with creeping thyme.

So, you can either go gather stones (easy for me)... or have a pallet of "paver stone" delivered. The commercial stones will be more uniform in depth, even though there will be some variations. Then just lay them out in your own personal "puzzle" pattern. For moss growing, I'd use a mix of topsoil and peat moss (to hold moisture)... scoop it on top of the stones and then broom it in between. Wet it down really good - wait a few days - wet it again and plant your moss. I think you can also "feed" moss old milk... maybe it's buttermilk.

[lighter]

Ahhhh, thanks for that, Amber.  I'm wondering if I can find enough rocks to complete a path.  I think I'll have to have pavers delivered.

I cleared all the weeds from the bottom of a giant oak tree today and planted more moss around it.  Some of the round lovely moss from the nursery, and a big rock went in too.

A neighbor with a German Shepherd, I'd never met before, came round while I was pulling weeds.  Another neighbor gave advice, and was giddy as a child wondering how my yard would turn out.  I love his big black slow gentle dog.

I transplanted a lot of moss today.  The girls owe me several hours in the yard, and I'm looking forward to that.

My youngest dd has a friend over.  He's a boy, but not a "boyfriend."  Of course he's very funny, and makes her laugh.  She likes what we call "giggle boys."  They're nerds together.  Later on two more friends joined them, and stayed overnight.  They're so nice.  This morning they got up, and made brunch.  DD cooked apple bottom pancakes, and the giggle boy cooked jalapeno, onion, and garlic scrambled eggs topped with cheese, hot sauce optional.  I LOVE THIS KID.  It's odd when the kids all the sudden grow up, yet aren't.

My oldest enjoyed being around her sister and friends.  She played piano,  did homework, cooked dinner tonight, and folds clothes as I write this.  She has her school photo tomorrow so showered, and will have clothes picked out before bed, bc she thinks it's a good idea.  If this doesn't sound wonderful, let me just tell you.... it is. 

I can hear in her voice that she's paying attention to her tone, and words when she speaks to me.  And it's a good thing, bc I feel like I have her back.  I've really missed her.

 Lighter

[lighter]

Yesterday morning I woke up from a nightmare involving my late husband.  Since his death I've had many dreams about him, but they were always of him alive, with me trying to solve everything peacefully.  Sometimes there was kissing, of all things.

THIS dream was about his hunting me down, with various minions, and trying to kill me.  I was running and hiding and being chased by him, new people he'd just found and convinced to help him so I wouldn't know their faces, etc.  On and on it went.

I used to have running and hiding dreams about him during the divorce, but not for a long time have I had them. 

At one point in the nightmare I was trying to find a hidey hole, and found my sister hiding behind a chair.  She looked alarmed that she'd been outed, then offered to let me hide with her.  I tried, but that meant we were both exposed.  Two women, and one chair.. it didn't work.  They found us.

I was exhausted all day after this dream.

Anyway, towards the end of the dream a devil-ish fellow came up to me and said....
"You know....you know."  and it was assumed that I was being told there was a stalemate, and my husband had decided to let me live. 

I was then in my Mother's entrance hall, in the house she lived in before she died, and my husband was coming to drop the kids off. I could hear the Pug's nails scratching on the drive.

And then husband walked up, put a pistol to my forehead and grinned at me.  He'd tricked me, of course, and I fell for it, again.  I reacted quickly, my head went left, my right hand up, and he blew one of my fingers off, but missed my head.

He looked upset and pulled the gun back down, and tried again.  Same thing happened.  He then handed me the gun, turned and walked away.

At this point, where I had the gun, and the choice to shoot him, I woke up.  I wonder why I couldn't have woken up earlier, during the terrifying running and hiding stuff.  Why did I wake up at that point?

I'm not used to this kind of dreaming.  I think it's a new level of processing I haven't been able to deal with.

This morning I was driving home from school drop off and thought about a friend who passed away 3 years ago.  My heart hurts to think of her.  Just makes it hard to breath.  I let myself go to that sad place, forced myself really.  Eventually it felt like she curled up inside my chest, for comfort and safety, like she once curled up in my bed for comfort, like a child.

That's the way everything seems to be going lately.  I force myself to face whatever is vexing me, and it leads to feeling better.

The front yard is almost clear of the larger weeds.  I haven't been perfectly pulling everything at all times, but pulling will be easier from this point.  I'm proud of myself.  I think the neighbors can finally see what it's supposed to be.  What I'll make of it: )

This weekend is Nana's birthday, and I have work to do on the farm, along with filling 3 or 4 underbed tupperwares with moss for my yard.  WHOO HOO.  Can't wait.

Lighter





 

[sKePTiKal]

ugh.... what an awful dream lighter.

[lighter]

Ya, it really was terrible, Amber. 

[Hopalong]

I am hoping that the subconscious was throwing up that awful scene in order to get it one layer higher and closer to floating free from your being, and far away. That's how I see nightmares. Release valves....

(((((Lighter)))))

Hops

[lighter]

Well, it's official.

I'm obsessed with my moss garden.

And.....







it's absolutely wonderful.

I'm the neighborhood yard troll.  Muddy, bug bitten, and always always in the yard, trying to maximize every minute.  Does anyone know about high high water pressure in a house?  It just started about a month ago, and I've blown out 2 hoses, which is uber frustrating.  Another thing slowing me down.  I have so much to do, and I can't say I've been this happy in a very long time. I mean, I'm refusing to worry like I used to and notice when it starts.  I can laugh at it, and turn back to playing in the dirt. 

I really like playing in dirt.

Tomorrow I deliver a bunch of moss to youngest' dd's school chum's mom.   I'll see the space she's planning for her moss garden, which grows thick tree moss and lichen.... sounds perfect.   Moss at the nursery costs 15.00 for a tray... not a large tray either.  I'll be dropping off maybe $700.00 worth, and it makes me so happy! 

Almost all my trees have moss features around them at this point, and I'm working steadily on the front curb area, and mailbox.  For some reason I'm having trouble getting the mailbox area finished. I keep wondering away, and starting something else.  Not sure why.  I think it' bc I want to plant some bulbs, and pansies... cabbages, and it's just too  many steps to wrap my brain around, so I go back to weed, plant, water, carry rubbish, struggle struggle struggle with hose, repeat.


Yes, Hops.  I think my subconscious is barfing up stuff that needs to go.  Writing about it, till I have nothing to write, must bring up, and that's OK.  I just want it over, and behind me.  Finally.

I hope everyone remembers to wiggle toes in the grass with faces turned to the sun. The weather is glorious here.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I just got that weather today Lighter. It is glorious after the oppressive heat & humidity. Now RAIN would be nice... but I still have buildings that will be delivered some time. I need to call today and find out their ETA. I wasn't ready the last time they made a run to WV.

Water pressure... are you on a well? Have a pressure tank? If so, you might want to get that checked out. I have had hoses blow out - and have since replaced them with (pricey) lifetime guarantee hoses. One practice to get into is turning off the water, then opening the nozzle on the hose to the water drain & evaporate. It'll help with the average hose lifespan. Don't forget to disconnect all your hoses from your faucets, when temps get down to freezing, too.

My contractors are DONE. The carpenters will be back soon, to put flashing on top of the garage door trim (something they do special, on log homes that really helps the trim last longer). We did a walk through to make sure they hadn't missed anything and that was the suggestion that was made. Now, everything else is MY JOB. The interior finish work - finding the right furnishings for each space - the small touches.

I'm in a regrouping stage for now. And taking some days off, now that I can go places any day of the week to do some things like get a haircut, get my eyes checked/new glasses, etc. Just piddling. Holly & Matt helped me put together my studio work table (the most important tool I have). I ordered a couple unfinished kitchen cabinet bases; they raised the top, so I can access two big drawers and added casters. That 4x8 tabletop gets used for EVERYTHING. LOL.

Mio-mio's real happy not to be confined to one room anymore. And "Queenie" - my in/out cat - has been determined to be a neutered male by the painters. Queenie's new name is Freddy Mercury. LOL.

[lighter]

Freddy Mercury, lol.  How funny.

You reminded me I have stuff on my indoor list before company arrives.  Trim that still needs another coat of paint.  Some caulking.  Bathroom ceilings need paint.  At this point I paint the floor vinyl flooring in the master bath whenever I expect overnight company... looks fresh... sky blue, until I can replace it.  I want to wash the neutral not bad wallpaper down with white paint, and add something to it.  Not sure what.  I'll know it when I know it.  I have a wall in the kitchen with 2 colors of paint on it.  The cabinet color and wall colors. Time to choose one, and make it so.  Eh, I also have to paint one unfinished cabinet.  Forgot about that.  Just got used to it I guess.

It's nice that you have the contractors gone for now.  Time to rest, and gather strength for the next round.  90% research.  10% execution, and all that.

I spent the entire day ripping out hosta, and tidying borders, pulling weeds from already weeded established moss side yard, which felt SO GOOD.  I blew the leaves off, all dirt and acorns... it looks like fairies frolic in the space when it's tended, which will get easier and easier as the weeds go.

I watered everything with a short light spray after dark.  IF I'd have gotten moss fragments on all the spotty or bald patches they'd be growing right now.  I have a start and stutter thing going with new activities I'm not familiar with.  It's a perfection thing.  I have to just DO, and not think think think about doing it just right. 

Fragging is making little half inch pieces out of the right mosses for the right spots, and scattering them into wet soil, walking on them, and keeping them moist with 2 spritzes a day.  I've been spraying every day SEEING if I can keep it up with all this dry weather.  At least I fixed hoses today, and I'm on city water.  I don't understand the pressure change, but there's a drip drip drip under the house for outside backyard spicket with a halloween trick or treat bucket under it that needs a plumber's attention, along with the drippy faucets in the master bath.  He can check out the pressure when I call him.  AHHHHH those darned hoses.  I always cut my fingers up when I use those cheap repair kits.  Next time I'm getting the more expensive ones to try. 

 :shock:The woodpecker's back.  I chased him away, and he went to the next door neighbor's house.  I heard them bang, like an interior woodpecker, and then he went to the next house in line.  They weren't home, so he hung out there for a while.  It was impossible to concentrate so I chased him away, and hoped he didn't swing back to my house.  He was in the trees the last time I heard him. 

I wonder if banging like a woodpecker is more effective than one BIG thump.  I the neighbors if that was so,  and they didn't seem to know they were banging JUST like a woodpecker, or they didn't want to discuss.  Hmmm.

I have a broken bird bath to move to front yard.  The top broke in half, so I'll bury it a bit, like a planter, and fill it with lovely round colonies of different mosses in front of the BIG tree.  The moles have been digging around that tree for years, unchecked, so it's all heaped up and mounded in this very attractive way the other trees aren't.  If I don't stomp the mole tunnels down, they harden and take on this organic sculpture mound on mound on mound form.  I hope that made sense.  It truly is gorgeous. 

We don't have rain forecast the next 10 days, but the leaves will begin falling this week so it's frag time NOW, though my mind is still resisting. 

One neighbor is heartbroken I don't intend to moss the entire front yard.  Honestly, I don't believe I can do a good job with it.  The plan is to blow leaves into the middle, and have areas, or features around trees and the trail that are well kept.  That means I don't have to work so hard when the leaves fall, or take so much time blowing.  The neighbor can use that pile too, just easier for both of us.  Right now I have half a hill, and an interesting area mapped out for the pile.  I pulled the weeds there, so I can utilize that moss, put down landscape fabric, and start blowing.  That's where the frags will come from, and it's all waiting for harvest, tearing, spreading and watering.  I guess.

It got chilly today, Amber.  I needed a jacket but didn't want to stop working, which is why the hoses got fixed.  I couldn't bear the spray of the leaky hoses soaking me over and over again, which was how yesterday, a warmer day, went.

Now that I have part of the yard in exactly the shape I want everything in, I feel more peace.  More contented.  More focused. 

::nodding::.

I might not be able to smell the barn, but I know it's there; )

Now, if I can get my hands on some huge wonderful stone from a nearby barn recently torn down.  And the metal roof of a barn near my fathers.  I long to reclaim old things.  I picked up big stones from the woods, and moss covered stumps with character to use.  Somewhere.  At some point.  I really enjoy this work.

Lighter









 

[lighter]

There's been a shift in my world with all the hours spent in the yard.  The neighbors come by regularly, and chat or comment on the progress my sister and I make.  I think everyone thought I was bonkers but now..they can see the Moss turn into a fairy shire day by day.  Patch by patch.  I'm set to rescue Moss from the mailman's yard, on top of rescuing an embarrassment of mossy riches from my own yard where the leaf pile will be located.  We move small sections of sun loving moss with spatulas and forks.  The rain has everything we planted sprouting sporophytes!  ​It's wonderful and I wish I had time to stop and enjoy it.

This neighborhood is shady and Moss is everywhere.,  My neighbors seem excited about what we'll do next.  Some happily chat about Halloween, and I do believe we'll end up with a good sized party with bonfire this year.  I'm glad there are husband's and male friends to tend the fire and coolers while we deal with food, teens and guests. 

The girls have friends coming, and so do I.  My niece is coming. 

It's empowering to have energy and exhilierating to maximize it.   My sister and I whipped the yard in shape, so much getting done, and now I'm contemplating stone mosaics.  I'll switch to indoor projects next week.  Almost all the trees have lovely moss skirts, and finishing the weed barrier will have to be enough for now.

I'm refusing to worry.  I'm embracing joy instead, and that, I feel,is getting out if my own way.  I wish there were more hours in a day.

Yes.

Lighter