Thanks, Amber. This is exceedingly smart. Thank you for the reminder, and for teasing out that thing I was doing. Gluing the politics onto the person. I do think compassion or its lack is part of policy but also think I was billboardizing B...he doesn't behave as though he craves political debate and it's unfair to us both to let that be a big focus. And to project onto him my fears of his political "type."
And Tupp, I have to say I wish there was no ocean between us, because your generosity of spirit just blows me away. There is so much kindness and validation in what you wrote that it brought tears to my eyes. I so hope a few new people will appear in your life who can appreciate who you really are because they'll be very lucky to enjoy your friendship. (And I liked hearing that the man friend makes you laugh! Nobody deserves it more.) I also appreciate how much you understand fear and tease out how it can weave in and out of otherwise rational thinking. You're really deft in that, seeing the threads in the weave very clearly. Thanks.
Okay, team. So here's a new one. I may have mentioned that B and I were attending a "life stories" workshop. B felt out of his comfort zone but gamely attended the first session. It's a 5-class thing with "homework" (led by a university psychologist recently retired from ministry, with a very good reputation as a teacher) about life overviews, weaving in the insights of key developments in psychology. I have been pretty excited about how it could be a unique way for us to get to know each other on a deeper level. B also for the first time met a close friend of mine there.
He had asked when I first told him about it if he could drop out if he didn't like it, and made a remark afterward -- "Well, I could tell I didn't attend a liberal arts college." But nothing else negative. (Forgot...he also said afterward he felt some "apprehension" about telling personal stories in the small-group sessions planned. I reassured him he was welcome and would be liked and it was fine to "just be B." That doesn't mean my reassurance worked, of course....) He was referring with the "liberal arts" remark to how so many of the 16 people were nodding in recognition of major psychology names, like Brenae whatsit (vulnerability TED talk fame), Bettleheim, Rollo May, etc.
Anyway, we were committed to doing it together and though we forgot, had even talked about filling in our "timeline" charts last weekend. He's my partner as the structure is to tell your stories, get them down in a thematic way, divided by major transitions in your life, to your class partner.
Next session's this Monday. So, last night he calls and in a very Executive Tone I've heard him use and always been baffled by, as it's just kind of cold and detached, informed me that he has an opportunity to go to Florida and play golf with a friend and he's leaving Monday, has already booked his flight. And that he realizes that means he'll miss the second class but that's okay, I can take notes. And he's all kind of crisp and cold about it. When it sank in I realized I felt very disappointed. It's not that I couldn't come around to the outcome (say, if he'd said, I hate to do this but it's a special friend I haven't seen in forever and a really major chance that would mean a lot to me, do you think we could still benefit from the workshop if I miss the second session and would you forgive me for wanting to go?). I know for a fact that if he'd asked me about it that way, or even consulted me as though my feelings about it mattered, I'd probably have said...of course. It's not ideal to miss it but I can hear how much this getaway would mean to you. Please go.
But. The Tone. And the sense that it was like an executive handing down a decision to an employee or someone down the hierarchy, really really did not sit well.
I called him back. Didn't address The Tone but said in honesty, I'm disappointed. I'm thinking if you don't go I probably won't continue myself, because without my partner, there's not a lot of point for me. (I've done similar classes before.) But I do hope you have a good time. Asked him a couple generic questions just to express interest and his replies were, It's just a friend. It's in the Orlando area. Obviously didn't want to share anything about it other than that he is going.
I was hurt and angry about The Tone more than the outcome. It's not the end of the world if we don't do this workshop. But the way he announced it and the coldness (maybe because he knew he was breaking a commitment casually, and for...golf), really got me.
I was feeling pretty melty after our Valentine's evening but have whiplash from the next day. He's called since asking me to come out Saturday (I initially said yes) and then this morning, because of weather predictions, left a message to change it to tonight.
I just left him a message that I'd rather talk next week when he got back and to have a good trip. I mean that sincerely...I do want him to relax and enjoy his favorite sport. And I know I need some more time to evaluate this.
What's going on in my mind is the sudden recognition that this is A Pattern. Of making unilateral decisions about things that affect us both without talking to me about it. (Overriding or not considering or including me.) One example was our battles over our own trip. He offers 7 days away, I say (in December) not ready for that but would love a long weekend, two rooms, would that work?. He says Yes, I'm in! Then calls to tell me it's the 7-day thing and we need to do it because the availability changed and he'd be "very disappointed" if we don't go. Sorry, I'm not ready for that and it's not what we agreed to, and he backs down and when we go, we have a great time on our overnight. (But in there was also his unilateral decision to book ONE room instead of the two we'd agreed to, which he also had to "undo." And that caused me similar feelings and tension, the sense of being again over-ridden by a unilateral decision he made because that's what he wanted and I was just supposed to go along with it. I didn't and yay for me, but it is tiring to have to be so assertive All the Damn Time.)
while back I asked B to share if he felt okay doing so, what were the fights with his wife about. (He'd referred to them fighting a lot, and it sounded intense.) The answer he gave me was that he always put work first, and as one example, he would promise repeatedly to be home by a particular time for a dinner she'd made, and just not do it...part of it was his compulsion to do more work or a feeling he just needed to do one more thing, etc. (Maybe part OCD stuff.) But the effect, I gathered, was that over and over he broke his promises to her. And it really messed them up.
That's why I'm thinking this is a flag. Mainly because of The Tone (which I think has to do with discomfort with what he's doing, as far as the relationship goes...he's retreating into a "cold executive" mode because he doesn't want to be challenged). It's a very dominant, detached and not pleasant thing to listen to.
It hurt my feelings and I also felt angry. I don't want to be talked to like an employee or an underling. And now I think I see that this is a place he'll go and a way he'll talk to the woman in his life.
I'm not into that. If I'm going to establish an intimate relationship or marriage at this chapter of life I'm damn well going to be an equal partner. And you know I've been worrying about power issues anyway, as they may relate to money. So I've got a new feeling of concern about The Executive.
Thanks for listening, y'all, so much. I will be on tenterhooks 'til I get your perspectives, which are so freaking valuable to me.
love,
Hops
