Heist on Something....

[Hopalong]

And ((((((((((Amber))))))))))))))....

I think it is a Very Good Sign when a baby chicken-Viking announces her presence.

Without her peeps, all the grown-Viking braying and boasting and besieging would be irrelevant.

We all house an inner baby chick.

She is worthy. She is the real marvel. Without her no Viking ever hatches.
She is the miracle of it all. And that's in her vulnerability.

Even because of it.

love
Hops
PS- I have been drinking bourbon, passing this remarkable no-B evening. It's actually been pretty awesome. Talked to a few friends. Went to a publishing workshop today and though that wasn't very helpful (I knew most of it since I was in publishing) I made a friend. This woman just chatted and we went for a salad and she knew a man who'd taught at my college, and he's one of her closest friends, and suddenly I remembered that he was the most amazing professor I'd ever had and recalled for her a time when he and I walked across the campus together, both in tears because of the material we were covering in an intensive he taught on Native Americans. She brought back an extraordinary memory that really had an impact on my life, in how I think of humanity. And she is emailing him tonight that she met me, and sharing my memory with him! (He wasn't that much older than his students as a young professor.) What an unexpected gift this was today. xxoo

[sKePTiKal]

Well, duh..... Hops...

the bourbon is flowing here as well. Baby chicken Viking - LOL - LOL -LOL. Yeah you pegged it.
I've been a little more "bold" online with the tentative suitors. Flirting a little. Scared to death if anyone responds. I'll go run & hide.

And tears running the whole time... I so miss Mike. No he wasn't "perfect"... he was human just like me... laughing, crying all at the same time. And just breathing.

After all this time, we need to talk to each other -like over the phone. I don't know what I'd do without my Hopsie. (Having a bit of a moment here tonight...)

[Hopalong]

Off to see my T and the timing is good, as B returns today sometime.
I've emailed him asking if he'd like to catch up on Sat. or Sunday evening.
Hope so.

If he avoids or ghosts I'll have his answer.
I'm still mulling mine, but the plan is, to talk honestly. All the anger/upset is gone now, thankfully, so I'll be able to just tell him what I experienced when he did what he did, and see what he has to say.

I'm kind of in a neutral mood where I'm disposed to be curious, pay attention, and accept what is in calm. I think in some ways I've felt relief at his absence the past week, and have focused within again, thinking about my own life.

Just acquired a new old customer, who'll not just replace but add a couple hours to what I lost when Nlady stepped off my calendar. Ngent struggles on but I'm doing more hours for him too. All that's just reminded me that I can keep working a few years and saving every bit I can.

I'd let the house go to POT this week, caught up in the internal labor of trying to assess (the first A is the hardest, Lighter!). Literally a week's worth of dishes piled up in the kitchen. Laundry got done but not put away. This morning I woke at 6:00 and got the kitchen all cleared up and am feeling focused and glad about the day ahead.

Yesterday was a marathon for the oldies and I felt good-tired at the end of the day.

Will report more later...just wanted to say Good Morning, Amazons!

love
Hops

[lighter]

So glad you see your T before speaking with B.

You sound really good, Hops.

Let us know how the rest of your day goes.

::sending energy for the week's worth of dishes marathon to come::..

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thank you, (((Lighter))) and everyone.

I'm heading out in 5 minutes to his house, we'll go to dinner.
Tonight is the time to Have The Talk. About The Tone. And how it felt to be to be talked to like a subordinate, and have him abruptly change a plan that affected me quite a lot, and inform me of it the way an executive would update an employee. Not an intimate or equal or respected partner.

My understanding (I'm so grateful he was away for a week so I could THINK) is that he has spent his entire 70 years in various situations that were about"
Power
Rank
Winning
Competing
Authority

And he's bringing that mindset (unconsciously) into his relationship to woman. Wife. Girlfriend.

And this girlfriend is going to share her insight. And leave if he's not able or not willing to step right up to this new information about himself.

I am confident that I've perceived this accurately. And I'm going to tell him what I see compassionately.

And then....wait. Just listen. See what it's all about for him. And then, I'll know whether we continue.

Big night! Just wanted to tell my Amazons before I go out and climb in the car and head out.
Will fill y'all in later.

love youse,
Hops

[lighter]

:: sending calm peace of mind for any conversation to come::..
Light

[sKePTiKal]

Oh that you'll see with the eyes of the universe Hops... all you need to see.

[Hopalong]

Well I dunno how exactly, but B passed the test. I really was ready to let him go if he didn't hear me. But he did. He listened intently. I talked out ALL of how I felt about The Tone and all the rest, and he just listened.

He didn't intend to come across as horrid executive, he'd just had a hard time booking his flight right before calling me. (He was oblivious to how it sounded.) He too felt upset that I didn't obey his request to come out and resolve everything before he left, but that clued him that I was pretty seriously upset. And he apologized.

He was SO worried and so vulnerable and sweet that I just kind of caved.

We're okay. This could/probably will happen again but if it does, I'll let him know. I won't let The Tone become a thing. But I'm less freaked out that it happened.

He said something odd. He's not sure I see the relationship the way he does, and truthfully, to him I am an "imposing" personality. And all of a sudden I realized that he's probably more scared of me than I'm scared of him. (I'm so freaking verbally fast that he barely keeps pace but he looks at me like I'm the North Star and talks about how beautiful I am. I tell him he just wants to get in my pants and he laughs. He said he was "ecstatic" that we were okay again. I realized he really meant it. Then I relaxed more and realized it's just...stuff. He really is very deeply invested in our relationship. (And he plans to go to the class with me again.)

I think we can work through it. I know the talk went really well, we had a nice meal and I got to listen to more stories about his life and work, and we were really affectionate with each other. WEIRD relationship since I think we're from different planets, but for now, we're still okay.

He was so nervous before I came I think he'd had a bourbon or two and he NEVER does that. So his vulnerability truly affected me and I didn't feel so "imposing" about everything.

Hmmm. Who the hell knows. It is nice to be wanted. And my dog adores him.

Hops still dunno but I can say I feel way better.

Thank you, Amazons. You'll never know just how much you've done for me. Here's a 67 y/o acting like a terrified teenager and y'all just help me re-ground. I know whether I'm announcing something big or a new tough chapter, you'll be here.

Lots of love,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hopsie, I honestly have to say that I am happy with a capital H

I could see exactly where you were coming from with regards to 'The Tone' and agreed entirely that yes, it's not a good sound and it quite clearly set off a huge alarm bell for you instead of the smaller 'I can deal with this' alarms that had gone previously.  But I really am truly delighted that B has responded the way that he has.  The fact that he listens is so valuable, and the fact that you are strong enough (and courageous enough) to be so honest even though you felt it would probably mean this was the last time you see him suggests to me a really strong foundation.  I'm so excited!

I think it's so great that he's human, and struggles a bit, and doesn't always feel like he knows what he's doing and that you do two - just two normal people willing to put the time and effort in to grow something that's fun and, most importantly, full of mutual respect.  I'm so glad that he adores you, so deserve that so much and I'm really truly happy that this enormous bump has been aired, cleared and minded.  I think being able to deal with the hiccups is what makes a relationship work and I think you both just proved you can do that   I'm really happy for you, Hopsie xx

[lighter]

Hops:

You seem to be working out a relationship recipe that has value for you and B.

I'm sorry you were knocked so far off balance, and for so long, but that's where serious work and understanding take place, IME.

As long as he's not conning you....as long as you're being heard.....as long as he's speaking his truth.....there is hope for B and Hops together.

You don't have to always agree, but there needs to be a baseline of honorable conduct, and mutual care which won't ever be exactly equal, btw.  People who can be kind, even when they don't get their way or hear what they'd like, indicates they care as much about you as they care about themselves.  That's pretty important in a relationship, esp for those if us with allergies to interpersonal terrorists, and conflict in general, I suppose.

I'm proud of you for forging ahead bravely with B, esp when you were uncertain how the conversation would go.  It's just a discussion, and remaining curious, not tied to outcome, helps.

Brava, Hops.  B is lucky to have a quick, bright, very interesting woman, with her own mind, in his life.  It appears he's aware of this truth too.

This is the difficult stuff that grows sturdy relationships, IME.  You and B seem to be doing the work.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

This is good news Hops. NOW, will you relax some? LOL. Enjoy yourself without looking at things that are said and go on, with such a microscope? Yeah, you still will want to follow your intuition about things; listen to your feelings... but it sounds to me like you can start lowering the drawbridge a little more. And trust that it's going to be OK; that you two can work and talk things out.

[Hopalong]

Well, sometimes it's anxiety, sometimes it's spidey sense, and sometimes it's just neurosis.

We really have gotten to a better place. There have been moments, however, that needed dealing with. Like the incident in the car when he expressed frustration with physical aggression. Nothing dire, but I know what I felt and wasn't making it up. I have zero expectation he'll ever try that again, but the truth is I was sad to discover the capacity. Then again, if that never resurfaces, we're good. And his recent response did make me feel that something in him truly values me and doesn't want to blow it.

Meanwhile, we ARE in a happy place right now and I do plan to enjoy it as long as it lasts. I'm taking him to my church's potluck thing this week -- he surprised me by being quite eager to go. And I'm looking forward to it.

One challenge I have is sorting out in reality, what is a meaningful fear and what's just old stuff retriggered. My second husband did a Jekyll-Hyde thing on our wedding night that left me shattered. I avoid thinking about it and tell myself I'm over it, but knowing how serious B and I could become, I wonder if that's been playing beneath the surface of my mind. If it has, I will work with my T to become confident that I can judge a different man in a different time without that distortion. A close friend congratulated me for hanging in with Bob, and she said, "I know your flight instinct is strong." That was perceptive; I'd never thought of it that way. Hmm.

Lighter's three As...I'm not too concerned about Accept and Act, as I trust I could do those. But the first A, Assess...is the stage I'm still in. I want to do it with deep awareness. I guess more fun and affection and time will make the difference. Right now, that seems like a possibility.

I know I sound like Eeyore but it does feel good. I just don't know whether I'll ever feel full emotional abandon in love again. But even if I always hold my own center with care, I think I could be happy.

love
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Well, sometimes it's anxiety, sometimes it's spidey sense, and sometimes it's just neurosis.

We really have gotten to a better place. There have been moments, however, that needed dealing with. Like the incident in the car when he expressed frustration with physical aggression. Nothing dire, but I know what I felt and wasn't making it up. I have zero expectation he'll ever try that again, but the truth is I was sad to discover the capacity. Then again, if that never resurfaces, we're good. And his recent response did make me feel that something in him truly values me and doesn't want to blow it.

Meanwhile, we ARE in a happy place right now and I do plan to enjoy it as long as it lasts. I'm taking him to my church's potluck thing this week -- he surprised me by being quite eager to go. And I'm looking forward to it.

One challenge I have is sorting out in reality, what is a meaningful fear and what's just old stuff retriggered. My second husband did a Jekyll-Hyde thing on our wedding night that left me shattered. I avoid thinking about it and tell myself I'm over it, but knowing how serious B and I could become, I wonder if that's been playing beneath the surface of my mind. If it has, I will work with my T to become confident that I can judge a different man in a different time without that distortion. A close friend congratulated me for hanging in with Bob, and she said, "I know your flight instinct is strong." That was perceptive; I'd never thought of it that way. Hmm.

Lighter's three As...I'm not too concerned about Accept and Act, as I trust I could do those. But the first A, Assess...is the stage I'm still in. I want to do it with deep awareness. I guess more fun and affection and time will make the difference. Right now, that seems like a possibility.

I know I sound like Eeyore but it does feel good. I just don't know whether I'll ever feel full emotional abandon in love again. But even if I always hold my own center with care, I think I could be happy.

love
Hops

Hopsie, I think the thing to keep in mind is that it's okay not to feel full emotional abandon.  If you need to keep a little bit back, then do.  It isn't a bad thing, or wrong, it's just how it is and who you are, which is because of things that have happened in the past.  I find I react to almost everything a man does, because over the years almost every kind of thing that someone can do has been done.  I think that when we have that damaged part of ourselves it makes sense to take care of it.  If you had a problematic ankle that caused pain if you walked too far you'd take care to limit your walking, to avoid the pain.  I don't think our hearts are any different.  You're enjoying the good stuff, you're aware that things aren't perfect (but are dealing with them perfectly, in my opinion). 

I think a bad wedding night experience would play on your mind if you have the possibility of a wedding night happening at some point in the future.  Perfectly normal.  Your T will help you through, so will we - in time you might even feel up to telling B about it so he knows it wasn't good before.  You don't have to weather every storm without a mark showing.  It's alright to have a few dents xx

[sKePTiKal]

One of the things I see in profiles all the time online, is "no baggage" as a requirement.

C'mon... no one gets to our age, without some kind of "baggage". I can understand the "no drama" requirement - but our own emotions are quite capable of inventing that drama; I know mine do.

So, I've got things that trigger me too and that flight response. And one of the things that triggers my flight response is any inkling of that emotional abandon. That's the danger zone, where I'm seeing things only the way I HOPE they're going to be; and not as they are.

So, Hops... the same thing happens with fear too. Every single time you've held up your figurative hand, and clearly stated your feelings... B has stopped; apologized; and corrected his behavior to be able to continue being with you and making you comfortable around him. He hasn't steamrolled you or taken advantage of your attraction to him. That's what IS. So far. And that's what I'm basing my suggestion that he's earned a little bit of trust from you (in the form of you relaxing some) on. (ooooo dangling participle time)

Yes, we do have to face those old triggers, and reduce their power over of us another notch if we can. Sometimes that requires actual experience with a new partner - that is very different from the past. And it might just take you - me - and others a little more time to get there than people who haven't experienced that.

[Hopalong]

Wow. These insights are so extremely helpful. I mean REALLY, how does one explain the value of this kind of close observation and well expressed insight, from people who've been reading your internal monologues for literally years? Yegoshes. If every person everywhere had a claque of Amazons like you...oh this world would be better.

Tupp, thanks for pointing out there's nothing wrong in protecting a bruise. That it's even right. Of course. Duh. Healing one's bruises doesn't involve poking or pounding them.

Amber, what you said about fear was really an illumination of something for me. What IS, instead of what's FEARED. I really do need to try to keep my focus on what is. What's revealing, what's happening (and not happening). His real listening, more than my incessant filtering of invisibles, is a really really good thing that should be neutralizing a lot of my stuff. But I have to help.

I do feel calmer now. One little development during/after the Big Talk was teasing. We hadn't done much. And suddenly there was warm laughter and a silly flirty banter we hadn't fallen into before. (Hard to flirt when one is scared. And from the get-go we'd both been very clear how serious our intentions were, what we were looking for--so that got in the way of relaxing too.) The light banter tells me my threat level got lowered.

Evidence: We're going to visit old friends of his and though I'll have my own bed, I agreed to share a space with him where I walk through his sleep space to get to the bathroom! IOW, it's virtually a shared room....

How 'bout that.
Hops