2019 Farm Life

[sKePTiKal]

They don't share any space at all, Lighter. DD does visit; and the ex will also visit her at Buck's. But there have not been any overnights; no shared custody. Mom's lifestyle prohibits her from such things. But she inserts herself where ever she wants anyway; "no" notwithstanding.

He will sell house; and then give her the percentage agreed upon in the divorce decree. Of course, she'll have to be at the closing as she's on the deed. That's actually pretty common practice.

[lighter]

I think Buck can arrange to NOT be at the closing if he chooses. 

Or maybe sign his part of the deal ahead, and trust the Attorney to do what needs doing without B.

When that house is gone.... when that check's written to the ex..... what, beside their dd, ties them?

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Absolutely nothing will tie them then, Lighter. He's planning to put it on the market next spring.

It appears we're going to get a little rain from the coastal low that's moving up the Atlantic. Big smile on my face! We really need it. I only have a little bit of hand "prettying up" to do at the barn drainage I've been trying to finish for a year. Materials are continuing to arrive for the Hut today. Solar package came yesterday. Stored in barn. I hear today's trucks starting to come up the road already.

Hol & I are headed over the mountain today for errands and appointments.

The day time temps are dipping down; going to have one night in the 30s too. Hol & Matthew finished the wood at the house. They'll work to fill the racks at the garage too - but that will end up being "back up", and available for Hol to use too. Since it appears they are going to get the Hut closed in by the end of the year.

I've screwed up my tv/receiver system somehow. I don't know what I did... but I think it's the receiver that's the problem. Can't watch streaming tv or discs; I did get the CD player to work though. She's reading a new book, that she's going to share - "The Art of Empathy". Most of our conversation this "Matthew" trip was balancing empathy & boundaries. Hol wants to obsess on something and think it straight through, without let up. I don't have the stamina for that and much prefer to digest things at a slower pace. I think I get the book first; then Matthew. He's real aware that she's kinda "stuck" in something that she needs to work through too. He's been a good sounding board for me; and one thing I know he knows, is the big differences between Hol & me. Those are at the root of some of our disagreements - a difference in age and experience; and my continued work since therapy - without letting that become the only way I see the world.

ETA: it's like grand central station here on my road & driveway today. Contractors even got a tractor-trailer in here - a feat I have always considered impossible. Good thing we're not leaving till about noon.

[lighter]

Just pray everyone stays safe,  and don't sweat the small stuff, Amber.

Glad to hear Buck is OUT when the house sells.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I'm confused about who Matthew is and why he's in on intimate revelations
about your family relationships...but he must be a mature and trusted person for that to happen.

I wonder, do you feel the boundaries are okay there?

I'm just hunching over my laptop imagining insights...

BIG hugs to you. You've had a really hard couple months, emotionally, hon.

xxxooo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

LOL... there's a whole cast of characters around here these days Hops. Matthew is the former house guest; the one we took to the hospital and helped stake to restart his life. He is on "intimate terms" because he's spent so much time here... we've been his "group support" and he's been vulnerable and open about his stuff he's dealing with and working on... and because Hol is tackling a new thing or level - it's good for her to have someone with his experience in addition to mine, with actual therapy. We also laugh a LOT when he's around. He doesn't have any family nearby; so we're kind of his PHamily.

Yah, it's been an eventful year - but stuff is MOSTLY to the upside for everyone; the sunshine side. Some hard things to process take a long time; come back over & over; and you get one more bit of treasure to put into the "keeper" trunk. Matthew and I were talking about that a lot this last visit.

The idea that you grow up - and then life is permanently good. Or you go thru therapy and you're instantly permanently "fixed" and nothing bad will ever happen again. IME, that's NOT the way it works. LOL. We keep learning, seeing something new, maybe even revising what we initially thought was "the end of all that".

[sKePTiKal]

I think I'm starting to go into my winter time Rip Van Winkle mode. That's where I step way back from "doing" and try to see what I'm always looking at, more objectively, in a bigger timeframe or overall landscape composition, get outside of my self and imagine & dream.

Yeah, there are holidays on the horizon. Starting with Halloween. LOL. But because I go so quiet, it's usually more welcome than not. I no longer do things for the holidays that make for exhaustion or being stressed out. For anyone. It's either casual and fun, or I'm not doing it! LOL.

Buck had disappointing news from his meeting with home infusion (who fills the pain pump with meds) last Friday. Guy said things are more likely than not infected and therefore he can't take a chance of contaminating meds (by piercing the skin to reach pump port). That would give Buck another round of meningitis. (which he is, god forbid, USED TO by now) But the catch, in the catch-22, is now the Infectious Disease docs - who give him 2 ibuprofen for the fever he runs from the infection and send him home. No antibiotics; no tests or samples to see if he's infected or if it's the same (or different) infection. If he goes back to his doc - who is the surgeon - the only thing he'll suggest is taking ALL the medical devices out; and that would be forever. Buck refuses to do that.

[Today's news: Infectious Disease absolutely refuses to take a sample; Pain Management is trying to qualify him for a 2nd opinion. It's been 3 months since the surgeon put the devices back in. And 3 months that he hasn't been getting his full dose and it DOES impair him functionally to not have the level of painkiller this device system is designed to provide.]

Because the infection is AB resistant, he is very concerned about how contagious it might be. The Infect Disease people haven't even given him guidelines about that. So he's not eager to get together and possibly give me the infection, even though the research I've done (using reliable med sources) indicates that as long I'm not immune suppressed there is nothing to worry about. Just the normal precautions; don't share toothbrushes or towels, etc. So beach trip isn't going to happen until something changes with this situation. (I am currently in "not reacting emotionally" mode with all of this... just sticking with functional/rational thinking for awhile.) HOWEVER, I have also learned that this infection, given it's totally internal can also become life threatening if left untreated - in several ways.

Therein lies my main concern. He knows this; he was on the edge of sepsis before when they gave him the same runaround. He is frustrated (I wonder why?) and getting very angry about this. As he puts it, it's as they're TRYING to kill him. But without VA approval to go elsewhere, he's stuck with the same people who infected him in the first place.

Maybe this needs to go on Lighter's accountability thread.

Someone who was injured on combat duty should NOT have to have a lawyer to access treatment or avoid facing a neglectful death from our health"care" system. With treatment of the infection - on a maintenance schedule - it CAN be managed; my ICU nurse DIL has already told me that it's common practice. With pain management, Buck's quality of life will be fully functional again. Even through the pain, he's functional. These people seem to want him to become an invalid and wither away in a nursing home. Fully functional, he's in better physical shape than many people much younger than he is.

Should our soldiers have to go to war with the system, to get treatment for injuries they incurred while serving the country? (whether you agree with the civilian political branch or not, about whether we had any business sending military "there" in the first place.) It's not just Buck either. I've heard the same kinds of things from other former soldiers. There are a LOT of degrees of "helpfulness" in different parts of the country from the VA. In the end, it's just another "all powerful" bureaucracy that doesn't care about the people they're intended to help.

/rant for the day

Now, I really need that "get quiet" time to try to find some creative solutions. In spite of the "system".

[lighter]

I am actually vibrating as I read your post, Amber.

And wondering if Buck can seek VA services elsewhere.... somewhere they're not trying to kill him.

Their refusal to do any testing is mind boggling in a situation that could lead to serious or lethal consequences. 

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE MAKING DECISIONS WITHOUT ANY CARE ABOUT CONSEQUENCES?  And.....
they're screwing with soldiers... 
people of action.....
people who know how to kill people too.  Soldiers with PTSD, and the knowledge they deserve the care they're being denied. 

 I'm absolutely gobsmacked there aren't more vets delivering justice of their own.

 SHOCKED.

And I'm really really ashamed this is happening to our Vets.  They deserve so much better.

Lighter
 

[sKePTiKal]

I could stand accused of being upset, merely because this is happening to MY guy, Lighter - but there are so many more. Here's the deal - you CAN'T just shop around for another VA or hospital. Against "the rules". There's been talk of changing that - but it's still a 16 form process, and months wait just to get a second opinion. It was explained to me, that when the gov't "owns" you - you are at their mercy, and have to be tough to survive them too... I tend to choke on that word "owns"; to me, that reeks of slavery. No one's "patriotism" can balance that, IMO.

I did see an interesting article yesterday; criticizing the last Dem debate participants for barely mentioning the VA. But also proposing some changes which would CERTAINLY help a lot of former service members. Primarily, allowing them access to telemedicine - contacting an actual doc or nurse from a distance. One guy I know lives in rural S. Dakota. It is a 3 hr drive (one way) for him to be at the closest VA hospital to him. Fortunately he's an experienced doctor himself.

I went off to the studio myself; the plan was to start working on a sewing project to replicate a WWII jacket for Buck but I ran into issues trying to find the proper authentic notions: zippers, button, etc. Olive drab velcro. Next thing I knew, I was checking out websites for support of military wives. Mostly managed and offered by other military wives.
DOD itself, mentions "injuries" and caregiving for returning injured service members; the catch is the ONLY thing discussed is PTSD. I understand how important that is; but golly gee guys... these soldiers get shot, blown up, and even run over by equipment. Why no discussion of physical disabilities?

Hol and her friend John gave me a couple options for buying those notions; one is a Hollywood costume/wardrobe expert and the other was a maker's web forum. Lots of re-enacters there. I'm using an actual authentic jacket as my reference; I considered pulling it apart to scavenge pockets and such, but on closer inspection there are a LOT of pockets. So Buck will get both of them for Christmas. (He likes it when I make him things; not so much me buying him gifts - but he IS letting me send him non-traditional, herbal medicines that I thoroughly research and offer as a substitute. Always with the caveat that it may not do a blessed thing to help; and how to take it so as to avoid any allergies or severe side effects.)

So, last night, we addressed the mortality rate of people with these kinds of injuries and medical devices. And his frustration over needing the one thing left on the list to be fully functional again (AFTER getting his infection under control). The way I see things (and Hol too) is that anyone can pass at any time or age; and that I can accept the hardships of his situation... with the one condition, that we squeeze every single ounce of happiness and joy and dancing out whatever time we have together. He complains a lot; is easily frustrated by all the obstacles - and refusals - to treat the infection. That's expected. Also, his focus on it too. But he can STILL choose to be happy and have fun NOW - because he is NOT an INVALID. I sometimes believe that this asinine VA system actually CREATES more PTSD for people. Definitely triggers people. But I'm comfortable dealing with that, with him. He is very considerate about not dumping emotionally on me. So, to help, I have to be very direct with my questions - even when all I can do is make him laugh or smile.

And as a result of that input, he actually slept longer than 2 hrs at a time last night. He won't use sleep medicines; they trigger all kinds of things he'd rather not dream about or act out in his sleep. I might suggest melatonin, because the sleepytime tea - camomile & valerian - isn't effective. He's trying to solve his dilemmas by thinking his way through it obsessively; and that keeps him awake at night. He NEEDS sleep to rectify the balance of his immune system (which is very strong in spite of the bacterial infection). That's my next workaround to outsmart the docs and help him hang in there - until he moves here, and has access to a better hospital system.

I keep checking in with myself on this decision; to get involved with him in the first place. Making sure I'm not over-extending myself or setting myself up to get blindsided by something. We're starting to discuss logistics of the future move, too. And that's helpful; we learn how to work together. Even as set in our ways as any two people our age will be. And it's VERY INTERRRRESTING (cue: Arte Johnson voice...) that after the initial smashing of intense emotion with him that I can see how we are weaving into an "us"... and that takes time...

the same way there was an unweaving of the us I shared with Michael. He is very understanding, when I mention Mike... and talk about some things. He lets me process, the way I need to. And he is very good at cheering me up, when I go to my "dark places" too. Very gently & kindly for such a big, badass tough guy.

[Hopalong]

So complex and so painful.
If I follow...a provider believes B does not have a bacterial infection.
You and B are certain he does.
But only that provider has access to confirming lab tests which he cannot order cause of medical risk to B.
Am I following?
Don't want to head too far into the weeds without checking...

I'm so sorry that B is suffering so, and you by affiliation.

Could anyone have a deep and detailed discussion with an MD on B's behalf who might consider treating B pro bono?

Would it help for him to show up at a regional trama center ER?

Hops

[lighter]

I can't think of anything nice, or helpful, to write on this thread, Amber.

It's a hopeless dreadful feeling when white voting men find themselves in the same boat with children, who have no power, or vote.  They share the status of "property."  They're owned, and there's no duty to care for them.  No duty to ensure they're safe.  No duty to provide medical care, testing, procedures or medications required to keep them well, and/or alive.  They're at the mercy of little people in positions of authority, lacking accountability.

At the mercy of. 

How did this happen?

Screw the rules.  He needs to see a real doctor, get tested to discover what bacteria he's suffering from, and get his damned anitibiotics, IMO.

Once that's under control he can go back to the clowns at the VA, and see about finishing up his spinal device to get his pain under control.


If he doesn't survive this, or if he loses the device that provides a normal life, what good is the bit of money it will cost to figure out that infection?

Lord, Amber.  Get that man healed.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Sigh. Yes ladies. I agree with both of you.

Hops, VA patients don't have that kind of freedom to just go to another doctor; ERs can refuse treatment if the symptoms they present with are due to old injuries. Or so I've been told. That just makes no damn sense to me and I've been through the frustration and anger phase several times.

So, you know my process by now. If I can't get through obstacles I look for ways to go around. Fortunately I've spent decades studying medicinal herbs. So that's how I'm trying to help. And I'm delving a lot deeper these days. There is finally some scientific research on antibacterials and antivirals. Mugwort - which most of us consider a weed - is actually useful so I made tincture for him. Now we're going to bump it a notch with Echinacea Augustifolia - which is a native variety different from the one used for colds (that's Purpurea). The Echinacea acts like a catalyst for the mugwort... and it's very good at moving the "medicine" to the infection and defeating it's resistance defenses. So, fingers crossed. I know herbal remedies aren't as strong and don't have as immediate an effect as today's pharmaceuticals; and Buck knows that too.

My plan of attack after that, is to boost his immune system enough that it over-balances the infection and eventually wins the struggle. He eats very well so that's already covered; and he puts in a full day when the pain is managed that would put a younger man to shame. So he's getting plenty of exercise too. He already takes vitamin C on a regular basis, and that should help healthy cell growth. And ya know, the fact that other than the back injury - and crap that has developed as a result of the docs messing around with that - he IS in such good shape for his age is the source of both our frustration over this refusal to treat the infection, so the pump can be filled.

It FEELS very much that they WANT him to be an invalid. And that's just nutz & evil to me. How is that "care" again?

Eh. It's good I can vent all that here. But it is kinda boring. I'd so much rather like to be telling you all about our lovely fun trip to the beach; or Scotland; or taking tango lessons in Argentina. Or the latest hair-brained project we're collaborating on.

[sKePTiKal]

Well, never ever think a situation can't get worse. It can and does. Sigh. He was in intense pain and dark emotional places last night. And I had Hol purging her latest ponderings in my other ear too. LOL.

This amazon might be dragging out ye olde superhero uniform and making the necessary alterations (corset?) in order to take drastic action before the weather here turns icky and impassible. I need to put my plan together, and vet it with the gentleman in question... and seek approval before venturing forth - THIS TIME.

The recent rain we've had has really amped up the fall color out here. Hops when you & M get back, you might take a weekend in the mountains. It's glorious right now.

Our "have to" chores are done - except for tilling the garden for next year. But I have some research to do first. More equipment - LOL. It needs to be exposed for the winter and then the real work will happen in the spring.

Holly Hut is coming along quickly. She finally made an absolute decision on the windows yesterday so they can get ordered and not hold things up. Guys have the first floor walkout forms up and almost done. They'll pour and cure the walls first - then work on the slab. Floor joists for the 2nd (main) floor which is ground level from the entrance actually are set into the forms for the pour for that next level.  Her whole house will have concrete exterior walls - and then will be sided with something (TBD by the mistress of aesthetics) and finished inside; she's thinking about removing the the inside foam insulation and finishing the concrete. I think the contractor and I can talk her out of that. She'll want that extra insulation. It can be covered with cement board and then spread a thin layer of concrete "plaster" on the walls.

Then, she has to think about appliances, settle on her master bath layout, and woodstove. Once the roof is on, solar will go in and the "equipment room" needs to be set up. The contractor was asking me; and I have no idea what she wants. Plus she's distracted with a bunch of things. I need to get her on track again paying attention to these details before her court date.

[CB123]

Hi Skep,
Following your story, and I know I'm not completely up on the background history. With all the medical issues we have had in the last decade, I really get what you are dealing with.

It will cost you extra money, but can you go to an independent lab and have just the lab tests in question done. Then you can present the incontrovertible facts to the doctor in the form of an actual lab report. And maybe start pulling together the steps to contact the office of your congressman for help. Used to be, congresspeople had offices in the VA so they could be petitioned easily by their constituents. My understanding is that the current president is ending that access, but a sympathetic representative might have something in place to replace that. Or perhaps the offices have not yet been closed, or perhaps there is a court judgement against it.

So many in the VA system are getting this kind of treatment. It is beyond infuriating. Think of you and yours as I head out to work today. Glad you are there to help him.

CB

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks CB. He's tried that route - even writing directly his state senator & the president himself. We have exhausted every possibility except lawyers and the media.

Tell ya what though - this man keeps amazing me with his resilience. Both emotionally and physically. Knock him down, and it'll take a day for him to ruminate and face it... and with only the littlest kindness, encouragement or help... he gets back up again and accomplishes more than the "experts" believe is possible. Even if he pays for it in pain.

It's kinda hard not to admire that characteristic. I'm impressed. Even if he's just showing off, like guys do. LOL.