Perception is an odd thing in the combustible feelings around here.
My perceived right to expect some participation in the ongoing chores around here, along with being aware of what others are doing on my property (which have large impacts)... is seen as "OCD, being controlling" by the people in question. (talking about Steve & indirectly Hol who excuses him and tries to cover for him)
Uh.... no it's not. And I'm not wearing that label, either. Sorry.
Even if I do express my requirements and wishes in a sort of heavy-handed fashion.
Another issue, that is functionally difficult, is that I'm not allowed to finish my thoughts. I speak very slowly, when I'm carefully choosing my words so as not trip one of the combustible fuses... and most of the time, I'm being interrupted and talked over, before I can even finish a sentence. I've tried the "talking stick" method. Take the stick - and only you can talk until the stick is passed on. She talked over me, and I wacked her with it. LOL. (enforcing boundaries, anyone? LOL) (This is Hol.)
She almost always talks over me. And refuses to allow me my own perception and definition of situations. And yet - I know this is the furthest thing from what she really wants. It feels very much like she is processing out what she experienced in a bad, one-way relationship... by switching roles and doing the same thing she suffered, to me. Lately, I've just been walking away from that. Because my other (old) ways of coping with that kind of thing are terrible for me.
She isn't really hearing my more subtle observations that perhaps this is an extension of her old temper tantrum behavior, because (at that time) she wasn't talking yet. Now she's extremely verbal - but sees herself as unable to access the language of emotions. We have discussed that some, calmly. I think she does really well; but then, for almost 10 years, when she talked about her feelings - she wasn't heard or believed and/or the feelings were dismissed as unimportant or "crazy". She sees that as an inability on her part to express herself. Sigh.
As I talk about H and describe what's going on, it's important to remember that she really doesn't want to be this way. This isn't her motivation, at heart. She is trying to untangle her own ball of yarn, like we have years ago, and figure out how to change herself. And she flails a good bit in the process - hitting extremes and slowly settling back to a more steady space. I think there is a huge characteristic of her current relationship which is fueling a lot of this. But her excuse is: that's just the way he is. She's using his mother's death - 10+ years ago - as a "trauma" excuse for his way of being self-absorbed, entitled to his own agendas and not participating actively in the life here on the farm. Beyond work - he doesn't involve himself in sharing ideas, discussing ours, or anything else. His basic needs are met here and everything else he just goes his own way and does his thing. His body is here - but he is not. At all. Ever.
THAT, IMO, is the real problem here. And maybe that's just because I'm on the outside looking at only the surface of things. But my intuition and deeper observations are rather more validating that opinion. I also see her taking on some of his attitudes and habits -- that are decidedly not healthy for her. (While assuming blame/responsibility for feeling the anxious, negative things she feels in the relationship - as "her problem". My reaction to that, is now wait just a damn minute... you're not allowed to believe in your own perceptions/feelings about being "left out" because he just does his own thing?? How is that YOUR problem?)
Mom is currently persona non grata about observations, knowledge & wisdom. Experience in relationships and with different types of them. Right. But her friends are pointing out exactly the same things to her... and she is listening to them, more than me. IMO, that's because I'm defending my rights as property owner - and that's a power-trip in her mind; perhaps power struggle too. When I've brought up that I feel like a prisoner in my own home - and that this isn't how I envisioned things going when I invited her to stay (when she didn't have a live-in SO; it WASN'T) - she does hear me and I think is simply confused about how to go about either making things work better - or what she WANTS in the way of change.
Buck's explanation of what's going on with her, is rather more negative about Steve. He admits he doesn't have a high opinion of a lot younger guys these days, though. (He works with a lot of them, through the VA programs, trying to teach them skills.)
So I'm giving her space. I'm glad her friend John is here - because even though I'm leaving her be, she still needs that external stimulation of other people and this is my time to just chop wood, carry water and sleep. I'm trying to make some decisions about the holidays; depending on how Hol's DUI court date goes, I could be left here at home with the house guests & two dogs while she serves her jail sentence for the duration and through her birthday. We won't know until the court date. I'm not at all sure I want to do much of anything unless Buck can be around - and he's not religious either. I did have lunch with my friend Deb, over the mountain for birthdays. To catch up; it's been months since I could guarantee her a guest room here - that's how many people have been in/out here. My space has been full of her friends. And only John is good about keeping me updated as to his plans and helping out around here.