Other-Directed

[OnlyMe]

Hi everyone,
Well, the last of my two toxic NParents died a few years ago, and it has taken me years to somewhat recover from what is usually called 'caregiver burnout', but having NParents takes 'caregiver burnout' to an entirely different level!  Since I was the only living relative, i took care of them to the end of their days.  Thankfully I have a very kind and supportive DearHusband.  Whew.  Now, life is peaceful in our home, all things considered.

This is my latest revelation in the healing process.  While I now have time and freedom to pursue the things that are important to me, and I am thankful for the Peace, I am also realizing that, having lived an entire life being "other-directed", that I am having difficulty moving forward.   This has baffled me lately - and this week I have realized that my Role was always to look after the needs of the NP or anyone else who 'needed' me.  I seem to have become hardwired to wait for who 'needs' me, and then I leap into action.
And I have realized that this is yet another layer of healing - to let go of the 'need to be needed', and embrace my Freedom. 
Oddly, it seems easier said than done.  And, truthfully, that part is really exasperating, after all these years.
Just sharing this, my most recent revelation along the lifelong journey of healing while surviving NParents.
Thankful for this group.

[Hopalong]

Wow.
That sounds really clear and insightful, OnlyMe.

You really have come to know and understand yourself (and your limits). Bravo!

Wishing you much engagement in the deeply rewarding process of discovery...of exploring what feels creative and stimulating and satisfying for YOU. So outstanding that you perceive the hesitation but aren't bashing yourself for it (because given the caregiver grooming, it made perfect sense).

It just doesn't make sense for you any more. The trip may be bumpy but the views will be beautiful!

Happy New Year,
Hops

[OnlyMe]

Thank you for the kind words of encouragement. 
As we all know only too well, there are so many layers to surviving N.  It seems to be an ongoing process, moving forward, one baby step at a time. Moving forward, nonetheless. 

[Twoapenny]

Thank you for the kind words of encouragement. 
As we all know only too well, there are so many layers to surviving N.  It seems to be an ongoing process, moving forward, one baby step at a time. Moving forward, nonetheless. 

Hi, OnlyMe,

I'd be really interested in how this goes for you.  I'm in a sort of similarish position; it's been so long since I made a decision for myself that I've kind of forgotten how to do it.  So I'd be really interested to hear what sort of things you start trying out and how you find it all, if you feel like sharing x

[lighter]

OnlyMe:

I'm glad you have a supportive, and caring husband.

It seems like many, on these boards, are caring people who do too much for other people, feeling guilty when considering alternatives.

I'm glad you're able to notice what comes up for you now.  I always found journaling was helpful to hold on to important pieces.  The really tough stuff goes in and out of focus for me.  It helps to give myself touch stones.   

Good luck,

Lighter