Winter Stuff

[Hopalong]

I thought perhaps this should go on Tupp's dark side thread, but realized in naming this one for the current season, I can just put whatever's happening here. Topic's anchored in time but not mood.

Mood's my problem at the moment. A week ago I felt energized, excited, motivated by the New Year (watching all of the Marie Kondo special helped). I did domestic things I hadn't bothered with in ages. I began in an ebullient mood; lasted days. Got my "new" couch back and got a shoe rack.

Then we had this snowstorm. Not a big deal, but it took days for sun to return. And by the third day, I had the dark kind of cabin fever (not restless but shut down, getting depressed). I didn't do any of the projects I could've been using that quiet time to work on. Reverted to immobility and feel weak.

I have something nice coming up...a date with a WRITER I have met online. Don't wanna get too worked up in anticipation, as my commitment to reality and avoiding fantasy is key for me to enjoy meeting anyone. But even though that's coming soon, my mood has kind of sunk.

Sometimes when I notice such a contrast, I wonder if my D's bipolar gene came down through me. I wouldn't be surprised though I've never had that diagnosis--just depression or grief. But it really is what I'd call a "swing." The up was great and this down isn't devastating, but the contrast is clear.

Another factor is the huge change in the social contract. Most people do not telephone any more. A few text but I can't do that for an hour the way some can. I literally dislike the cell phone. And more people connect through Facebook or texting than by email (which I like a lot). Alone at home in snow, with nobody checking in, feels sad. Not that I don't have friends, just...they don't call often.

Anyway, in an effort not to be discouraged and remind myself that all things change, including moods, I thought I'd dump this here. It'll be good to report something different in a few days.

(Doc G, sorry I haven't responded to your book yet. I will.)

Love y'all,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hops, I'm sorry to read this.  People don't use the phone any more and it's been one of the hardest for me to deal with so I do get where you're coming from with that.  And yes, several days trapped indoors with no-one calling to check you're okay or just to have a chat can be soul destroying.  For me it highlights that I'm not top of anyone else's list.  I've got good friends, I've got you guys on here, my neighbours are friendly - but I'm not anyone's special someone and I think it's hard when you don't have a significant other in your life (and I don't mean that in a romantic way, it's lack of family as well).  It is hard, as are those big mood drops.  It's so nice feeling good!  Everything feels so much easier.  Then it goes dark again and all those easy things suddenly feel so difficult.

Your writer chap sounds nice, though, and possibly an interesting contact/guide with your book, even if there turns out not to be a romantic spark.  I hope you start to feel a bit better soon, Hops.  Has the snow cleared now or are you still stomping through it? xx

[Hopalong]

Thanks, ((((Tupp)))). You're spot on about phones, etc. Feeling better this morning, probably because I got decent sleep and have multiple activities today. My issue is so obvious it's embarrassing. I just have to connect with people every day or two at most, or I start to slide back into depression. I hope this isn't the case the rest of my life -- I've lived alone in an Appalachian holler, on the Eastern Shore, many places. I guess in this chapter of my life it's just not doable any more. Isolation's not good for me. Anyway, I work for four hours, then have a friend coming to walk and my group meets here tonight. I'll be wiped out but feeling much better after all that, I know.

As to the writer, I'm really looking forward to intelligent talk but that's it. No fantasies of him being a guide with my book...more the obverse. It works best not to share your work before you're ready, or unless it's a context you choose (like my fiction workshop group). I wouldn't want to share drafts or work in progress with someone close unless there's a moment where I realize they'd be the right sort of critic. Too easy to be shut down by well-intentioned but distracting criticism which, if it's insensitive or presumes too much, could undermine a relationship. My group has done well so far but in a new relationship I wouldn't introduce my ongoing work. Once I had a solid complete draft, sure, but not in the early, most vulnerable stages.

Fortunately I have a life's worth of poetry I can feed him one at a time! 

I ain't in a relationship anyway. Just going to meet him for the first time tomorrow evening. I have enjoyed his emails so far, so do hope it goes well.

Hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Sorry you're feeling low, Hops.

My only suggestion is.....
 go with the flow.. try to stay in observer mode.This will pass. 

Why assign judgement?

Lighter
ps  Do you find you avoid feeling joy in small things?  The smell of coffee in the morning?  Cuddles with your pooch?  If so, what do you think that's about?

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Light.

Just as predicted, low mood lifted.
Work (being useful), poet friend visit (deep talk as usual and strong mutual support) and a wonderful Covenant Group here--despite weather 5 of the 8 made it. Topic was hope. Great insights.

I don't avoid joy. When depression seeps in it's more like smoke curling under a doorjamb. Mercifully, I no longer believe there's a raging fire about to burst through. I just needed to break my isolation from the storm sooner than I did. Doing that with better consistency is my fire prevention. And I'm okay. Thanks for checking.

Wooden Rack Happiness, Part 2: To chalk up another silly but satisfying faintly-Kondo moment, my new wooden (bamboo) shoe rack arrived. I am deeply enthused. My closet floor is clear, my shoes are purged to 10 pairs, and its simplicity and beauty make me happy every time I open the door.

Hugs,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Ha... shoes! I purged mine when I moved and still have shoes that haven't seen the outside of my closet since they were unpacked. Hats too. I could stand to have fewer "hats" that I wear... the metaphorical kind. Only have one head... can only wear one at a time.


Tell ya what, this is kind of a difficult winter for me too. Different reasons, but the lowering skies and lack of sunshine remind me to take extra vitamin D3. It helps, as a preventative.

[Hopalong]

Ahhh. Well, having a 1955 bedroom closet, about 3-4 feet wide, is very helpful for the simplicity-frugality minded. I actually love the limit. I don't want a lot of clothes and stuff! Don't need "storage" that ordinary furniture (a few things underneath) can't cover. I'm not attracted to the asceticism of minimalism, but looooooove what "Voluntary Simplicity" sorta sums up. (It's for the fortunate but dwindling, middle+ economic class who have the luxury of pondering that...not for folks living hand to mouth in REALLY TOUGH circumstances, like Tupp, who listens and loves and supports everybody here with amazing spiritual generosity despite an enormous difference in resources....) I digress. (With love.) Just...sometimes I feel sad that Boat (Bean, etc) disappeared, because supporting a VESMB member who had been homeless was very meaningful to me. I sensed it was perhaps a tiny bit of class despair, the reason she left? Plus her depression, working at a freaking call center. Could be wrong though. (Half my life and half my thoughts are/were wrong, which I'm mostly at peace with now. Might not be a bad average? She said, hopefully?)

Where am I. Right, SHOES! Oh, I was gonna write you to save me your shoe boxes because they'll help me Kondo! And hats! (Except I think you'll be talking flamboyant amazing artistic hats, whereas I'm more interested in knitted cap-hats that are cute enough to confuse the onlooker as to whether they're for warmth or sun protection versus trying to hide rampant glimpses of scalp up top.) Found one on Etsy and now have a go-to source, since she'll make one as needed!

I am absolutely babbling stream-of-consciousness here. (Or unconsciousness.) What's really happening is that I'm quite excited about meeting the WRITER man for our date tonight. He is the first man, ever, I've met online, whose emails I have unequivocally enjoyed. My best attitude will be Lighter's observation mode, but I can tell I'm a bit nervous because I'm planning to suck it in (belly) all night long. And The Hair freshly washed is disguised enough. I still get the odd "Your hair is..." compliment, and the old heart/ego purrs.

okay okay okay breaaaaathe

Tell you one thing. Knowing that I can come home from this first date, however it goes, and tell you patient VESMBers the blow by blow, is beyond comforting. And I am beyond grateful.

love y'all,
Hops

[lighter]

OK..... suck it in.  I know you must, so have at.

Just remember, if your lower back starts seizing, go to the bathroom, put your back against a wall or partition, and perform the dirty dance move.... it's saved me SO many times, and is the only way to stretch those lower back muscles, IME.

Have fun!  Be curious, and release expectation!

Light

[Hopalong]

If only I knew what the DD dance move WAS... 

Didn't matter. He's got a bigger belly than I do (though he's much fitter, tending his 30 acres or whatever portion of that requires tending).

Date Report (pasted from what I sent my poet pal who demanded a quick update):

I just feel drained (wine); but it was fun. He's
smart, likable, verbal, and cute. At 75, he has
ALL his marbles which is a bonus. He's healthy
looking, and fitter than I am. Everybody is.
Not sure he's emotionally available even
though he shared a ton. Bit o' mansplaining.

He has a very tumultuous romantic/marital
history, which he openly shared about. A lot
of it sounded as though he's actually needy of
women but doesn't see/own that, so he was
frequently wounded when things ended. And
then he'd often have an Act 2, getting back
together, on and on. Not sure how reflective or
self aware he is. Good storyteller and chronicler.
I did truly enjoy his company, happy to again.
But I'm not sure he's interested in marriage.
I think he's not and I am.

And...I felt a bit as
though as open as he sounded he's still opaque.
Very content with his own company and doesn't
seem to be affected by loneliness. So...not sure.
Didn't have much of a sense of humor, sigh. But
not as rigid as my engineer-dates, like B. All
in all a pleasant and high-energy evening!

He obviously likes me and wants to do
something together Sunday. I'm thinking.
Dunno if I see red flags but I might. I think
if we just play together, for company, that
would be fine. If I want something serious
though, not sure he's mature enough to talk
that way about what he wants in life (besides
sex). Nice kiss when we said goodbye, and
I realize I could definitely enjoy him that way.

All in all, great date and possible new something.
But I'm going to continue to see what happens
online, because I'm looking for a long term partner
and marriage. No law sez I can't keep my options
open until someone is on the same page as I am.

And there 'tis.

xxoo
Hops

[lighter]

The date sounded lovely, Hops.  Just the thing for getting out, and feeling happy.

Bask in this man's robustness.  Listen to what he has to say.  Listen harder to what your intuition says. Honor your instincts, always. 

About the Dirty dancing move.... it's not comfortable, and it's embarrassing, but it really stretches those lower back muscles, particularly when we've been sucking it in, IME.  DD is lifting your pelvis UP, if your lying flat on your back, toward the ceiling, then relaxing it back into slight arch, then back toward the ceiling.... these are micro movements.... a matter of inches, moving ONLY your pelvis, nothing else.  Repeat as necessary.   It's a very helpful "dance" move; )

Lighter

[Hopalong]

This may not sound like it but is positive news:

Woke up in the midst of tachycardia at 3am and after calming, realized that I was having a panic attack due to: 1) being over-excited about meeting the writer and 2) how it actually felt with him (the red flags that were flapping but that I was trying not to receive).

Not blaming or villainizing him. But...given how I am made and my vulnerabilities, I realized he is too self-absorbed to be present or manifest interest in Real Listening or curiosity in my direction. And I can't do that. Been too "unheard" or unappreciated in too many relationships prior. He had a very tumultuous romantic history which he was willing to narrate for me (glad I invited him to, but it was his choice) for almost four hours. I got to talk a bit, but it was mostly All About Him.

He'd written me immediately without a word about his impression of me, or anything warm...just with an invite to spend 3 hours with him Sunday.

I pondered. Do not dislike him. Just had a strong intuition that entering into a real relationship with him would leave me starving for tender attention that I don't think he is capable of. So I wrote him an appreciative, gentle, non-blamey...NO, but thank you for the time and delightful storytelling. (Have one of his novels in my purse).

He wrote back: Knock me over with a feather, can't believe how much I misread you. And I thought...no...actually you didn't read me. Because you're kinda not seriously interested in anybody else's book.

Lesson learned and time not wasted and insights great. Then I got an email from a nice widowed professor who actually paid close attention to what I'd written in my profile and responded to it with warmth and respect. So...not allowed to pre-fantasize, but I'm looking forward to meeting him next.

I've heard and laughed about this expression more than once, and I swear it's the only mentally-healthy way to approach the ghastly automated mate-hunt online...Keep the line moving.  For now (it only attracts me during winter lonelies)...I'm gonna!

love and thanks for listening to this nonsense--
Hops

[lighter]

How's conversation with the professor going, Hops?

Just ride the waves as they come.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

The professor, who's invited me to go to dinner on the 1st, is a hoot. At first I was annoyed (by email) when he kept demanding to see my poetry and was ready to dive in. I wasn't looking for a poetry coach (or his approval) and was baffled by his assumptions that Of Course I'd send him my writing! Just because he wanted to see it!

I finally sent him two poems (he ain't reading my novel). After he read the second one he freaked out in terms of being over-the-top enthusiastic, so I felt less intimidated (plus flattered, if I'm truthful). He's Costa Rican, a big-cheese scholar but not stuffy. In fact he's VERY intellectual but he expresses it with huge delight and vividness. Truly big, expansive personality. I lost track of how many languages.

I hope we get along in person because he's a breath of fresh air. TBD....! Men. Still fun though.

Today I started my new exercise program and am very happy about it. The atmosphere is like the anti-gym but with terrific, supportive and tuned-in staff. This is such a find for me. I had no idea that without some significant cardiac event one could qualify for a facility/program like this. It's out of pocket but just a little more than a gym membership. So I'll do it for a few months and then perhaps head back to the Y with renewed confidence. And it's literally 5 minutes from me.

Hope all is well,
Hops

[Hopalong]

Buuuuuuuuuuuut...

After a week or so when I was all motivated to stay tidy, feeling those great NY feelings...I slipped back into immobility, sedentariness, slipped off healthy diet, the usual. (Starting next week the exercise sessions are scheduled and that will help. But oy, these weekends.)

I've been sitting with it. I think the triggers were the writer date and aftermath (just ending it, which I am sure was correct)...but maybe some disowned anxiety. IF, say, enthusiastic Perfesser is the same in person, and something began...

I have fears about a man discovering not the "pretty, public" parts of my house, but the two rooms (bedroom and office) where I close the doors and hide my chaos and  really bad ADD evidence. My house is lovely and welcoming in its public parts (I let the kitchen go to chaos periodically but can clean it up...and do, before anybody comes over). I have the nice lady who gave me the upholstery fabric coming over tomorrow afternoon, and will have to do a big kitchen cleanup first. That's okay.

But today I had nothing in-person happening and have spent the ENTIRE day feeling somewhat negative about myself...hiding in media.

Just wanted to say it. It's my weekend MO. And yet next weekend, I'll be meeting someone new. Maybe my fears of that explain this retreat. Probably do.

Thanks for listening,
Hops

[lighter]

Breath, Hops. 

In 100 years, will it matter that there's discord in those two rooms?

::shaking head::.

Nope.

You're harder on yourself than the Professor would be, IMO.  And..... IF YOU REALLY wanted to clean up and organize those spaces, you'd find a way.  I think we don't bc it's SO difficult, and we have other things to do.  Pulling apart our lives, editing, sorting, getting rid of emotionally charged things.... it's a major deal.  Please don't pretend it's not.  It is.  You have other strengths, and the trade off is having weaker points.  You're human. 

You're a great person. 

You're a great writer. 

You care a lot, and you're going to be great company for this fella when you meet.  Just don't overthink it, and stop beating yourself up.  If your body wants to rest, then rest.  Stop looking at it like it's a defeat, or something negative.  It's just relaxing into the cycle.  Have it.  Without judgement.  I swear it has a message for you. 

Let us know how dinner with the Professor goes!

Lighter